Geldings

Thursday morning was rough. Despite the feather in my sheath, I'd dribbled a little something sticky against the covers, and it put me in a dour mood from the get-go.

All morning long, I couldn't stop thinking about what Scootaloo had said. Were stallions all monsters, just by default? Were my balls really a ticking time bomb? Mom didn't seem to think so, yet I actually believed her when she said she'd rather cut off a leg than have me become a stallion. Moms always overstate risks to their foals, but if she really felt that way... what kind of son would I be to refuse her wishes for me? All she ever wanted was for me to be happy.

Needless to say, I had an impossible time paying attention in class that day.

I spent time with Scootaloo during recess again. I was glad she was willing to talk to me, because she was the only pony I felt I could trust with my terrible secret.

"So, turns out Mom knows now," I told her, after we met privately by the swings. "Apparently she always knew, but she didn't want to say anything."

"Wait, what?! She didn't take you to get fixed right away? How come?" asked Scootaloo.

I shrugged. "I think she just wants me to make the decision on my own, which is what I wanted to do when I was hiding it anyway. But even after hearing her beg me to do it, I..." I tried my best to hold back the feelings of guilt. "I still don't want to get my balls cut off, Scoot."

Scootaloo shook her head and planted a hoof over her face. "I can't believe she's actually helping you hide this... I mean..." she said, and then her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, yeah. My father, Mom's rape, I know. She trusts me, okay? Is that so hard to believe?" I probably looked a little peeved (pardon my Prench).

"No, it's fine! I'd just think she'd want to help you get this over with so you could stop suffering. You can't possibly enjoy living with this."

I nodded and sighed. "I hate it. I really, really hate it. These past few days have been the worst. I think... I kinda wish I'd been born a filly, you know?" I whispered the words, and my cheeks burned.

"Then why, Featherweight?"

"I don't know! I'm a coward? I'm afraid to grow up? I can't explain it. I really, really don't want to stop being me. And I know it's my balls that change me, not losing them, but it still doesn't feel... natural. It feels wrong."

"It 'feels wrong', against how terrible it could be for you and your mom? That's not a very good argument," said Scootaloo. "I'm worried about your mom now. I wish either one of my real parents cared as much about me as she cares about you. She's breaking the law, and unlike you, she could get in real trouble for it."

"Nah. I don't think she'd get in any real trouble, and she has a good reason to make me wait anyway. Cheerilee wouldn't want it to look like I was being gelded as punishment after what happened with Rumble..."

Suddenly, Rumble and Chipcutter landed next to us. "Hay, speak of the timberwolf and his tail appears," said Rumble, with a grin. "I thought my ears were burning. What are you talking about me for?"

"It's private," said Scootaloo, bristling.

"Scoot, it's okay," I said. "I was just talking about the fight, and the detention I have for the rest of the week."

Rumble pouted. "Ugh. Sorry about that," he said.

"It's not your fault," I insisted. "I deserve it. I'd feel bad if I didn't have to suffer for what I did."

"Eh, it's partly my fault," he said. "I egged you on, and I only had to take one day's detention for what I did. I hope it's not real 'suffering', though. I can tell you've already put yourself through the wringer about this, and I honestly don't care about the fight. Neither does Mom anymore, so we can play together again."

"Guys. It's all in the past now," said Chipcutter. "I mean, except for Featherweight's detention. You're still good friends, right?"

I smiled and clopped hooves with Rumble. "Yeah, we sure are." He smiled back.

"Good," said Chipcutter. "Hay, we were wondering, after detention, if you wanna come flying with us? We want to practice some tricks."

My eyes widened. "Uh, guys, that's kind of rude," I said, gesturing subtly toward Scootaloo.

The filly frowned. "No... it's fine. I have other things to do with the girls, anyway. You should go with your friends, Feather."

"I'm not sure. I don't think I could concentrate on flying with everything that's happened," I mumbled.

"What do you mean?" asked Chip.

"You guys are, um... more aerodynamic, if you catch my drift," I said. "I'd just be thinking about my balls bouncing around the whole time I was up there."

"There's a fix for that, y'know," said Scootaloo, narrowing her eyes.

I felt my pulse quicken. Dammit, Scoot.

"What, you mean get gelded early? My dad told me you can do that, though I didn't do it early," said Chipcutter. "It might not be a bad idea. It's a real pain to always be waiting for that horseshoe to drop. Just get it over with, y'know?"

"Sheesh, no way. You don't have to get cut before your time because of me, okay buddy?" said Rumble, putting his leg around my withers. "You're welcome in the air with us, with or without your balls. We won't judge you. And you might be thinking about them, but we sure won't be."

"Maybe another time. I'm still in a bad mood, but I'm sure I'll be better by the end of the week," I said.

Rumble frowned and gave me a hug. "Spending time with friends is supposed to help your mood, bro," he said, looking me in the eyes. "But we'll give you space. Just don't forget us if you need to talk, or just hang out or whatever."

Chipcutter nodded. "Yeah," he said, then with a nod to me, both colts took wing.

"Sorry about that," I said to Scootaloo, after waiting a moment.

"It's fine," she said, dismissing it with a hoof.

"Um, I mean the flying thing." (I immediately regretted saying that.)

Scootaloo looked uncomfortable. "Eh, I deal with it. Of course I want to be up there with you guys, but... my closest friends are down here anyway." She put on a brave smile. "I'm super lucky to have good friends, and a couple of aunts who love me. So are you, y'know, with your friends and your mom. You and me got nothing to complain about."

"Yeah, I guess... That really does put it in perspective," I said. That was when the recess bell rang.

I wasn't as distracted that afternoon, but once my detention started I ended up ruminating about how blessed my life was. Scootaloo was right, of course. I truly didn't have anything to complain about. I was loved, well cared-for, had great friends, and the incredible disasters that happened to Ponyville every month or so rarely ended in tragedy. I lived a charmed life, and being gelded wasn't going to change any of that. My fear was completely irrational.

I felt sad, but relieved. I'd finally come to the conclusion that losing my nuts was just something I had to do. Screw whether or not it looked like I was being punished—I'd make Mom take me tomorrow. Besides, I'd probably get off the hook for my last day of detention that way.

It was around that time I looked out the window and noticed an earth mare staring at me from across the playground. She was thin, with a blue coat and pink mane. For a moment I wondered why she seemed so familiar. I thought it might be the mare who walked by me yesterday when I accidentally dropped. She kept staring and I started to get a creepy feeling.

Foal molestation is still a thing, even though it's pretty rare. A mare who saw a young colt drop, one who still has his balls? What if she was a pedofoal? What if I was the reason for it—could I have somehow turned a fully-grown mare into a pedofoal? Was this another curse stemming from my wretched cowardice?

I turned my head away, blushing. I saw her walk away in my peripheral vision. A mare who wanted to mate with a colt... not just with any colt, but with me. Mating. Some weird feeling began to stir within my loins, and I had to fight that sensation with all my might. I actually reached down and pinched my balls with one hoof, and really hard. I nearly cried from the pain. Cheerilee must have seen my face react, because she looked very concerned, but I regained my composure and she said nothing.

This was ridiculous. I was imagining terrible, immoral things because my stupid, diseased balls wanted me to imagine them. It was just some mare staring off into space, probably not even the same one from before. I finally wanted to be rid of my gonads for good, the way I should have felt a week ago. I found myself wishing the gelding clinic was open at night so I could go right now.

"Featherweight... are you alright?" asked Cheerilee. I have no idea what my face must have looked like while I was seated there wracked with guilt and self-loathing.

I nodded slowly. "I... I think I want to be a gelding," I said. "I want to be like my friends."

Her face softened. "It will happen in time," said Cheerilee, with a gentle smile. "There's no need to rush it. Your friends still respect you as a colt, don't they?"

I sighed. "Yeah. Sheesh—I guess they're not even colts anymore, are they?" I asked.

Cheerilee shook her head. "No, they're still colts. They might be gelded, but 'gelding' generally implies an adult male, and after getting your mark and being cut you still have a lot of growing left to do. Even after the gelding, you're still a foal, Featherweight. It isn't an instantaneous change to who you are. You're just... different."

"Different," I said, feeling the word awkwardly worm its way out of my muzzle. It tasted foul. "I guess."

"I think I'll end today's detention now," she said. "It's almost time, anyway. Have a nice evening."

I got up and walked slowly out of the room, my head hung low.

Nopony was waiting for me outside the school today. I figured Chip and Rumble decided to respect my wishes, so they were already off flying somewhere. I thought Scootaloo might have stopped by to check on me, but she was nowhere to be seen either. It was just as well. I didn't feel like being around other ponies.

I decided to walk home rather than fly. I hardly noticed the hoofsteps behind me, but I definitely heard the voice. It was a whisper, but it was right over my shoulder.

"Don't lift your wing until you get home," said the mare.

"What?" I said, turning around. It was the mare who had been staring at me! I was frozen in fear. Before I could react, she pushed something under my left wing with her hoof, then continued walking without looking back or saying another word.

Of course, I wanted to lift my wing and see what it was, but I didn't dare. I picked up my pace to a slow trot, eager to get home, but I was too afraid I might drop it along the way to try cantering.

"Welcome home, dear," said Mom as I entered the house. "How was school?"

"It was fine," I said. "I need some alone time though, okay? I'm kind of exhausted."

She nodded with a concerned look on her face, but didn't try to stop me. I went into my room and shut the door.

I closed my windows and leaned with my rump against my door in the off-chance Mom decided to walk into my room unannounced (even though I can't believe she would, given the circumstances). Lifting my wing, a piece of paper dropped to the floor. I caught it in my wingtip, then took it in hoof and unfolded it. It read:

Hello, Featherweight.

We know your secret.

You do not know us, but we are your friends. We want to help you, and to do this we need to talk to you. During our talk, you will be offered a choice: accept our help, or pretend the meeting never happened and continue your life as normal.

However, we will divulge your secret unless you meet with us today.

If you want to keep your secret, come to the Hayburger before Sundown. Enter any stall in the Colt's room, and wait.

Now destroy this letter. Do not share this information with anypony, or there will be negative consequences far beyond the world knowing what you have done.

I couldn't remember my heart ever beating that fast before. My vision tunneled and it felt like there was a gaping hole in my barrel.

"Wet horse apples," I whispered. "Who is this? What have I done?"

I folded the paper and placed it under my pillow (Mom had already made my bed since I was late this morning). I needed time to think, but I didn't have much time.

"Wait a minute. Why do I even care?" I said to myself. "I'm going to get cut tomorrow. Mom already knows what I've done, and even Scootaloo knows. Why would it matter..."

Then I realized. Rumble would know.

No, no. Rumble would forgive me, I reasoned. I mean, maybe not right away, but I could trust him. But, then... if everypony else knew, too, what would they think of me?

I'd be a pariah throughout Ponyville. The other foals would shun me. Adults would look at me with contempt.

"There goes Featherweight, just like his rapist father," they'd say. Mom would find out, and she'd be heartbroken. Worse yet, what if ponies found out my mother knew about it?

"She doesn't care if her colt becomes a stallion? I guess she liked being raped," they might say.

Sweet Celestia. I couldn't handle that. I just couldn't. I would never be able to live with myself. It would be like Mom getting raped all over again. It would be like I raped my own Mom. I felt sick inside, sick enough to...

I opened my door, galloped to the bathroom and vomited directly into the toilet. I'd barely made it in time.

"Feather!" said Mom, rushing in to comfort me. "What happened?"

"I, um..." I said, looking up at her worried face, and then I turned and vomited a second time.

"I'm going to get a nurse," she said.

"No!" I shouted, and wiped the sick from my chin with a fetlock. "Please, don't!"

"Feather, what... what is going on, baby?"

I looked down at the floor, thinking furiously. I didn't want to lie to Mom again, but this time I had to do it. I had to protect her from the consequences of the terrible thing I'd done.

"I, um, I ate something gross at recess because somepony dared me to," I said. "I'm okay now, I just made myself sick thinking about it."

Her brows knitted together in concern. "Feather, sweetie. You don't have to do something just because somepony dares you to!"

"I know, I know," I said. "I've just been worried because of this whole fight with Rumble thing... I know nopony cares about it, but it kinda got to me, and I wanted to impress my friends. I know it was wrong."

Mom picked me up, sat down, and cradled me in her legs. "Featherweight, don't ever do this again," she said, kissing me on the forehead. I could see how worried she looked.

"I promise I won't," I said. "Um, can we go to the Hayburger tonight?"

"Hayburger? You just threw up in the toilet and you want to eat fast food?" she said.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm kinda hungry."

"I'm already cooking dinner. It'll be much better for your stomach than hay burgers and fries," she said.

Oh no.

"I, um, I need to meet my friends there. Can I go by myself? I'll be back before Sundown."

"I'm very concerned about your health, Featherweight..."

"This is really important to me, Mom! It's my first chance to socialize outside of school after what happened, and it's an opportunity to start bringing stuff back to normal." The lies were flying naturally out of my mouth without me even needing to invent them first. Apparently my subconscious was working overtime. This frightened me, but I did everything in my power to keep it from showing in my face.

"I really don't want you going out after being sick..." she said, but my eyes started to water.

"Please?" I whispered, barely holding back tears.

Mom sighed deeply and hugged me again. "Okay, Feather. I'll save your meal in the refrigerator for tomorrow. Just be back by Sundown, like you promised."

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Mom gave me a small bag of bits to pay for my meal. I washed my fetlocks and mouth.

Then I reread the letter, tore it to pieces, and flushed it.

And with that I was off to meet an uncertain destiny.