Princess Celestia doesn't care about the friendship reports anymore

by pasieka17

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 8786

Princess Celestia ignores the friendship reports that the Elements are sending her.

After studying the Magic of Friendship for quite a while, Twilight and her friends try to get another assignment from their supervisor. Unfortunately, their supervisor doesn't give a squat about the letters she gets.

Will the Elements find another mentor?

Published 2012-08-01 12:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-04 20:41:33 UTC

And now I want to study something completely different.

Dear Princess Celestia

It’s been two years since I was delegated to Ponyville to study the Magic of Friendship and I’m slowly coming to conclusion, that there’s not much more for me or my friends to learn on the subject. To be honest, our latest friendship reports were written in an assembly with my friends because nopony on her own learned enough to write a letter all by herself. We pulled straws to determine who writes this letter after Applejack learned that the story in the last letter we sent you was all a lie. I pulled the short one. So, just to clear the air, there was NO incident involving the Everfree’s timber wolves assaulting bunnies (Fluttershy’s idea), and we did NOT give them pretty gems and dresses (Rarity’s idea) and they did NOT settle their differences while watching me doing magic tricks and Rainbow Dash doing aerial stunts (Rainbow’s idea). The only true thing about the story was the party (Pinkie’s idea), where we drank a little bit too much hard apple cider (Applejack’s idea) and after that we wrote the letter (shamefully, my idea).
I sincerely apologize for our behavior and I promise it won’t happen again. With that in mind, I think we can count on your indulgence, as not holding grudges is certainly a lesson in friendship we all want to learn.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

My Dear Student

I thank you for your last report on your research about the Magic of Friendship. Indeed, it was a valuable lesson to learn, and I shall include that report in the archives. I’m waiting for your next report with great eagerness.

Your Friend and Ruler
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia

We were all extremely relieved to get your last letter. Knowing that you forgive our moments of weakness warmed our hearts and we love you even more.
That being said, I noticed that you didn’t make any statement about my concerns regarding our research. We all agree here that our work on the Magic of Friendship can be wrapped up, with occasional reports sent to you if we learn anything more anytime in the future.
As your student, I don’t want to return to Canterlot though, as I’m quite rooted here just as the library I live in. I believe, that there are numerous areas of study where we, the Elements of Harmony, can be of assistance to explore.
If I may, I’d like to suggest an area of knowledge that we are particularilly interested in researching. We mean the Cutie Marks. Through the last couple of years, we developed some doubts about the exact meanings of the marks present on one’s flank. Why some ponies, like my friends’ sisters don’t get their cutie marks despite excelling in some activities such as singing or comedy? Why some cutie marks are basically just a reflection of a pony’s name (to be specific, I’m talking about a filly known as Silver Spoon. Did her parents somehow know what will be her talent, and name her appropriately? What is her talent anyway?) ? Why some of them have nothing to do with one’s job or occupation, and seem so random?
I think there are many questions to answer here, and we would be glad if you assigned us to this project.

Your thankful friend and protégée
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight

Thank you for your latest report on the Magic of Friendship. I’m happily surprised, that your reports appear at increased frequency in the last few days. I’m sure that your’s and your companions’ contribution to pony science is invaluable, and adds further to your legend.
It is vital to all Equestria that you continue your studies on the matter.

Your loving teacher
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia

Did you even read the last letter? If so, please, check again if you didn’t make a mistake. I’m pretty sure the last thing I sent you was NOT a friendship report. Please, assure yourself if you did not accidentally respond to an older letter. If not, I attach a soup recipe with the letter, by my friend Fluttershy. She says it has a lot of zinc in it.

Your worried student
Twilight Sparkle

My Dearest Student

The rate you are sending me your friendship reports lately exceeds my wildest expectations. Now I’m sure that I didn’t make a slightest mistake by choosing you as my personal protégée. The Equestrians will likely laud you and your friends in many songs, and will never forget your names - you have my word on that.
However, I think that your friendship reports are at their best when you give them a little more time and thought. I won’t mind if the letters are lengthy; they are never too long for me, as I pay equal attention to every word you write. I’d appreciate it, if you send me letters once in a week, even if it means sending a few of them at once.

Your Princess
Celestia

“Are you sure you want to send it, Rainbow Dash?”
“Of course I’m sure. Now blow, Spike!”

Hi Celly

Rainbow Dash here. I’m writing to tell you, that you are a complete disaster, speaking of ruling Equestria and stuff. Folks say that I may not be a sharpest tool in the shed (screw them by the way), but it doesn’t take a masters degree to notice how incompetent you are. I mean, I expected you to literally destroy that black pony-insect. She didn’t even have fully developed legs, as I recall it, so it means, that you lost to a handicapped, right?
I guess we, as the bearers of the Elements, are destined to do the dirty job for you for the rest of our lives. Well, better this than letting you do it, I say. Just don’t be surprised if we get bored one day and shoot that rainbow laser cannon at your flank.

Anyway, I’m not writing just to bitch about you being unable or too lazy to get rid of a sleeping dragon. I wanted to share my thoughts about my friends as well. Fluttershy, to be specific. I mean, she practically never leaves her shack in the woods, other than to go to the market or hang out with Rarity to slap some mud and vegetables on her face. As if she didn’t have enough mud out there, in the forest. But I’ll cut to the chase. I think that Shy can have a problem with bestiality. What do you think?

Thanks Princess, I’m glad that I finally got it out of my system. You still have a cool mane though.

Rainbow Manes For The Win
Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia

Unfortunately, we came to a conclusion, that for quite a while you haven’t been reading the reports we sent you. I carefully analysed your responses to the letters and for last six months or so, they are all practically the same. That one day, when Applejack wrote that she didn’t learn anything, you still thanked her for her valuable insight.
I understand that you can be busy ruling Equestria, but I think it is not too much to ask you to at least glance through all the letters you didn’t read, and at least somehow prove that you read them.

Your apparently ignored student
Twilight Sparkle

PS. As I can’t rely on the dragon fax anymore, I’m sending this letter via regular pegasus post, to your hooves only. Maybe this way you will actually read it, rather than throwing it in the trash.

Hey, Sunny Flank

It’s ya fellow prismatic penfriend Dash. I don’t wanna be mean (well, maybe I do), but recently I’ve been WONDERing. See, what I did there? Right. Let’s face it, I’m the best AND the coolest looking flyer out there. I’ve been to more Wonderbolts shows than I can count on my hooves, so that means more than four. And these guys? I belong there. So, they can leave a trail of smoke and lighting. Puh-lease, I leave smoke, lightning and RAINBOWS. I’m the only one who can break the speed of sound. Right now, I can do it without any effort, like on that wedding day (Oh yes, the day when you were outclassed by Twilight’s FOALSITTER. Princess, my ass).

So, why I’m not a Wonderbolt yet? Hell, why I don’t freaking LEAD them? A mare? Nah, Spitfire is a girl (by the way, an extremely lazy one. When we did that hurricane thing, and Fluttershy saved the day, I heard that our little Spitfire just STOOD STILL. Talking about giving a hoof!)
Questioning my loyalty? Nah, I guess not. Although I would move my ass if I was standing in Spitfire’s horseshoes that day. So, maybe it is my age? No, I don’t blame you. If I was such an old fart, probably devouring fillies’ souls to keep my ass delicious, I’d be a little prejudiced too.

Anyway, I was thinking about getting a theme song for my future shows. Right now it’s a work in progress, and it goes like this:

Duh-duh Duh-duh-duh-DASH-DASH! Duh-duh-dun-DASH-DASH-DAAAASH!

Yeah, I know it sucks when you read it. When I read it, I imagine trumpets playing, and it’s freaking rad.

Keep it real
RD

PS. Joking about Fluttershy in the last letter. She’s cool.

"WHAT???" Rainbow's jaw dropped to the ground.

"Just as I said, " Twilight explained. "I sent a letter different way. There's better chance she will read it, and at least take a look at the few last ones. For crying out loud, I think we earned ourselves some respect."

Rainbow Dash ran out of the room. "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHI-"

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned a valuable lesson about friendship. For example, friendship is closely related to trust. So, when I say to you, that I ventured to Everfree forest a couple of days ago, and got poisoned by some mysterious plant which, according to Zecora, may cause writing some lunatic letters to authorities, you know that I'm telling the truth. If, by any chance, you DID receive any letters by me in the last few days, please, keep in mind that they weren't written really by me. If I was in your place, I'd burn them without reading.

Your loyal subject
Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty.

PS. Technically, I'm necessary to fight any evil that appears in Equestria, right?

My Little Ponies

I read your registered letter, and after that, I went through the latest friendship reports you sent. Indeed, they were not friendship reports. Not at all.
Twilight Sparkle, if you really think, that there's not much more that you can learn about friendship, that's fine. You are still free to use the dragon fax to send the friendship reports. As for the area that caught your attention - I'm not condemning your lust for knowledge about the Cutie Marks. But I think that we should establish a second channel for communication, so the mail will be sorted properly. I guess that the pegasus mail will be fine, although the mailmare was quite exhausted this time.
Now on to you, Rainbow Dash. As the creator of Everfree Forest I know that a plant you described does not exist, so drop the act. I would admire your courage if it wasn't born out of the sense of impunity. No matter what, you should pay some respect to your superiors. Other than that, I think you raised some valid points, however I strongly doubt that Fluttershy's relations with woodland creatures cross the boundaries of good taste. You always struck me as a leader type, and an excellent flyer - you should now it from our first encounter - so I perfectly understand that you're annoyed with leading a weather team instead of the Wonderbolts.
As the Princess of the Night, I know the best how my sister's rule can be at times frustrating. I won't be showing her your critique, for I empirically know that she can be overreactive about it.
Last time I enquired my dear sister, about the pile of friendship reports lying in the corner of her chamber, she, being quite straightforward, said that she "does not give a shit". I wouldn't take it personally - she really can be very busy. But, if by any chance, you do have some critical comments on our rule, feel free to send it the regular way. I'll try to translate it to her as discretely as I can.

Your's sincerely
Princess Luna

PS. As for the Cutie Marks, I'm quite puzzled too. The mailmare that delivered the letter didn't strike me as if it was her primary talent, as she confused me with my sister. I don't think we are that similar.

Luna's helpline is the thing everypony needed.

My Little Ponies

I convinced my royal sister, that for some time I will be handling the friendship reports. Although when I approached her and delivered her an oration on how my days are empty without having any true responsibilities and how those dusty letters laying in corner would be such an excellent timekiller, she didn’t raise her eyes from above the latest Royal Stools catalogue, she still mumbled “Sure, whatever”, so I took it as a good sign.
My sister said that the correspondence with you can be a “one hay of a boring mofo” (I certainly hope not!) and she showed me an answering machine she’s been using for last four months. I must admit, that it is the most peculiar device, and it reduces the troubles of writing a letter to adjusting a few switches and pulling a lever. You still have to cast that transportation spell though (maybe that’s why Celestia still was bothered with having to respond to your letters). I’ll use the machine a few times immediately after sending you this letter, so you can get a taste of its capabilities.
I think that we can agree on a little less formal style of our letter exchange. I get the feeling that it could be one of the reasons Celestia brought this thing to the palace, because when she hoofed me the device, it was adjusted to SEMIFORMAL/FRIENDSHIP REPORT RESPONSE/FEW CHEAP FLATTERIES/REQUEST FOR LESS CONTACT, and it was all covered in dust, aside from the lever.
Anyhow, I still think that our mail should be split to avoid suspicion from my sister (if you plan on writing more than once a week). I advise you to send your Friendship Reports and findings about Cutie Marks via Spike, and any other mail as a registered letter through the pegasus post.

Princess Luna

My Faithful Student

I was really glad to read through your latest Friendship Report. I immediately hoofed it over to Canterlot College for it to be analysed. I think that if you and your friends keep up the good work, you are very likely to be granted the Doctor of Phillysophy title.
I await your next report, although there is no rush - I won’t be upset if I have to wait a couple of weeks for it.

Your Loving Teacher
Princess Celestia

Thats what I got without changing the switches - Luna

To all my subjects

These are difficult times, and difficult times call upon desperate measures. Due to Everfree’s wolves breeding season I must ask all the ponies in adjacent settlements to stay in their homes immediately after dusk, and not come out before dawn. To speed up the wolves’ breeding, nighttime will be extended.

With deepest sadness
Princess Celestia

FORMAL/CURFEW/SOME CHEESY COMPASSION/WILDLIFE - Luna

Hey there gorgeous!

I’m a very picky stallion, but I saw you one day... or was it a sweet dream? You consume my thoughts. I love mares with a glance of mystery in their eyes, an alluring muzzle ready to speak the words of love... But it would be a shame if the filly of my dreams suffered from dryness of her marehood. Did you know, that this particular issue affects as much as 25% of mares in her late twenties? There’s really nothing to be ashamed. Our newest line of lubricants is suitable for Earth Ponies, Unicorns and Pegasi alike. We provide the highest level of secrecy. Just send a letter back to me - the post officer will know, where to deliver it.

Your ruler
Princess Celestia

INFORMAL/SPAM/INFORMATIVE/EMBARRASSING, I still didn’t figure out where do I put the senders name and style of it - Luna.

Dear Princess Luna

Thank you for agreeing to respond to our letters. We are shocked to hear about the answering machine, although Rainbow Dash says she understands the idea perfectly. We are also kind of disturbed by the messages it can produce, especially Fluttershy (she is hiding in the closet right now). Disturbed, but curious as well, and we would be glad to look at that machine someday.
To our annoyance, Rainbow Dash tries to guess which one-and-a-half of us suffers from the issue the note made us aware of.
We will begin our studies on Cutie Marks immediately and we won’t overuse your permission to write you on any matter bothering us.

Your subjects and friends
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and (when she comes out of the closet) Fluttershy.

PS. We all agreed not to tell Pinkie Pie about our little arrangement for now. We are sure that she would exploit the possibility to keep in touch with you, as she says you must have been very sad for the last millenium and she wants to change it. When the time is right, we will tell her.

Hey Navy Sis!

So, is this an official bitching channel or not? I can’t even tell how much of a relief it is to be able to write someone about what bites ya, in your own words. I mean, when we were writing to Celestia I was thinking all the time about choosing proper words so her royal white flank wouldn’t lock me in a dungeon.

Twilight says you can do those scary white eyes anytime you want it. Cool.

Well I was supposed to write something about this Cutie Mark mumbo jumbo, so I looked at some flanks today at Cloudsdale. It was kinda weird, spending all day staring at asses, but I guess it has to be what a stallion’s day looks like. Anyway, I didn’t notice anything unusual, most of the pegasus Cutie Marks are connected with weather and being less awesome than my Cutie Mark. So I guess the destiny of almost every pegasus is to work your flank off in the weather factory. Makes me wonder if Scoots won’t too eager to discover that she signed an interminable employment contract by being born.

Radical as always
Rainbow Dash

PS. Scoots told me, that one of her pals at school has an anorexia talent. Sucks to be him, I guess. Still searching for diabetis Cutie Mark, I’ll ask the Cakes about their clients.

PS 2. I’m making a list of mares over 25. Is there any official record of citizens? At the moment, I have just you, Celestia, Granny Smith, Rarity’s mom and the Mayor, and I don’t feel like asking everypony else. It would be embarrasing for me.

Dear Rainbow Dash

I think, that you may have a slightly different concept of “little less formal style” than I have. I don’t want to get you into trouble because of it. If however it is really easier to express yourself when you are not bound by any rules, I think I can accept a completely unrestrained note once in a while. Just don’t make it a habit.

Yes, I can make those eyes if I wish. It is really helpful when there’s a power outage in the palace.

I’m saving the second part of your letter as a first report on Cutie Mark research.

As for the register of citizens, ask the local authorities, like the Mayor.

The Princess of the Night
Luna

Hi Princess!

It’s your super-sweet huggy-muggy Pinkie Pie here! So I was talking to Twilight one day, and she said something like we are supposed to find out something about the deeper meaning of Cutie Marks and send it to Celestia, and I was like Okie-Dokie-Lokie (because why not, huh, huh, huh?)! But then when Twilight came out, I met with Rainbow Dash and she said that we are supposed to write to YOU, and that it would be the best if I wasn’t writing about Cutie Marks at all but instead cheered you up because you are so gloomy. I like the word gloomy, although it is kind of sad. Rainbow also said something about “this” (I don’t know what exactly) which is somehow “going to be good”. Sometimes I don’t get her.
Anyway, I was wondering what it was like being on the moon all that time, so I attached a list of relevant questions I need answers for.
Is it cold out there?
Did Princess Celestia let you take your toothbrush? (I hate using borrowed ones)
Chimicherry, or Cherrychanga? (well it’s not really moon related, but I need as much input on this matter as possible)
That’s a short list, I know, but I couldn’t think of anymore right now.
I think that we’ll be PFFs soon. I’m guessing that you missed a whole lot of birthday parties, so I’m making you your first present now.

Love and Laughs!
XOXO
Pinkie Pie

PS. The bouncy rubber snakes attached to the letter are not your birthday present, It’s just kind of my signature, and it seemed like a good idea. What do you think?

Dear Princess Luna

I’m proud to present you my first report on the Cutie Marks, co-written with Rarity. It may be even one of the first breakthroughs we will stumble upon, and an answer to a burning question: “Why there’s nopony that has a singing cutie mark?”
Sure, we occasionally meet a pony which has a Cutie Mark related to music - but the source of this mark is always an ability to play musical instruments, not singing.
This puzzled me even more, when I heard Sweetie Belle sing (It’s my little sister - Rarity). I mean, this gal has lungs. Unfortunately, she will have to look elsewhere if she wants her Cutie Mark so badly. We considered the following facts:
- Sapphire Shores, famed singer, is a “blank flank”
- basically, everypony in Ponyville is a great singer. What is more, we think that you can’t even surprise anypony with a sudden musical number, they’ll just all join and will perform the chorus.
Well, we think, that singing can be excluded from the “talent” category. For ponies, having “singing” cutie mark would equal having a “legs” Cutie Mark (we are still investigating the horseshoe Cutie Marks though).

Yours faithfully
Twilight Sparkle
Rarity

PS. We are sending this report through regular mail, because Spike is feeling sick lately. I think that the transportation spell Celestia put on him to turn him into a fax machine causes nausea, if it is used too frequently.

Princess Princess Luna

Silly me, I wrote the word "Princess" twice. Anyway, here's the first birthday present, I hope you like it! I painted it myself. Second one will be tomorrow.

Still waiting for your opinion on Chimicherry versus Cherrychanga. Kind of big deal.

XOXO
Pinkie Pinkie Pie

PS. At first, I doubled "Pinkie" just for the other "Princess" not to feel lonely, but now I think it looks and sounds good. "Pinkie Pinkie" looks nice, don't you think? I think I should make it my second name, if I didn't have one already. It's "Diana". Pinkie Pinkie Diana Pie? Or maybe Pinkie Diana Pinkie Pie? Hard choice.

PS 2. I think that there should be one "Pinkie" for each "Princess" in our letters.

PS 3. I hope you liked the rubber snakes. I'm sending more.

PS 4. Princess Princess Princess Princess Princess Princess

'Sup Loo

Dash here. I figured out, that some ponies have Cutie Marks that represent their social status, like bags of money, or jewelery. I came up with an experiment. As a Princess (and my pal) you are probably wealthy, right? Or, if you don't have any dough right now, maybe you can do some dispossession tricks. I don't mind the details.
Anyway, just send me some real money, like a few bags of bits, and I'll give them to Scoots. If she gets a cutie mark - that's good, and it will help her self-esteem, and probably will get her a better stallion in future. Yeah, we all know those gold diggers, don't we. If, however, Scoots doesn't get her cutie mark then our little Dashie here will turn to...

Wait for it....

Rainbow Cash! BAM! Made it up myself. NIIIICE. We split fifty-fifty. Hay, I'd even go with fourty-fifty with ten for Scoots.

No data on diabetis talent yet, or other illnesses. Quite a shame, it would help the doctors to do their job.

Soon to be rich,
Rainbow Dash

PS. Joking about the money experiment. Just in case you were wondering. Still bucking curious about the wealth talents. Can a Cutie Mark be won on a lottery?

PS 2. About thirty dry mares in Ponyville.

Dear Princess Luna

I think we warned you about using the transportation spell to often, and when Spike is feeling sick, you certainly should not send any packages through the transportation spell, at least not PAINTINGS. Please, tell me, why exactly did you send us a 20 x 30 inches painting of you and Pinkie Pie having party on the Moon, with a "PPP & PPL PFF 1/1000" caption on it? What the hay does it even mean? Anyway, you know, that the transportation spell sends things to Spike's stomach when YOU use it, right? Well, thank you for my perfectly clean floor. That one's a history.

I think, that we should stop any correspondence for a while, at least until Spike feels well again. I'll tell Applejack, that her report on Earth Ponies' Cutie Marks can wait for a while, she'll understand.

Mildly upset, but still your friend
Twilight Sparkle

PS. "I've had it with these mother-bucking snakes in these mother-bucking letters " ??? You're note is puzzling, just in case I send you a soup recipe, by Fluttershy. She says you can be suffering from avitaminosis.

You don't want to get on Applejack's bad side. No, you don't.

Dear Princess Luna

Spike is well again and I’m happy to announce that I managed to modify the transportation enchantment. Now the sent items, such as letters or packages will no longer materialize in his stomach, but in the higher parts of his gastrointestinal tract. I call the new enchantement “the deep throat”, although Spike insists on changing that naming. Anyway, feel free to deepthroat us (you see? It’s neat!) anytime you like.

We had a rather long quarrel with Pinkie Pie; well, technically it wasn’t a quarrel since everything she said was a variation of smiles, laughter and “Okie-Dokie-Lokie”. I think that Pinkie Pie has a problem with understanding the idea of anger.
We convinced Pinkie Pie, that she should not send you a thousand gifts in the upcoming thousand days, but rather store them somewhere, and send them to you in two big bulks, five hundred each. This, perhaps, will give us time to put the idea out of her mind completely. If we are not successful though, be sure you have a big garage or a warehouse near the palace (or at least have your ponies build one in the upcoming year and a half).
For the time being, we will store Pinkie’s gifts in her garage, and if it won’t suffice, we will try Fluttershy’s shed. Just don’t tell her about it, she’s kind of reluctant to even allow anypony enter it. But I know that she’ll understand.

I must remind you, that our research on Cutie Marks is far from finished. As you certainly remember, you got just one legitimate report (from me and Rarity), and two half-baked toung-in-cheek pieces from Rainbow (although it is still an astounding amount of work coming from such a... slacker) . At least two reports are in the works, the general report on Unicorn Marks (again, by Rarity and me), and a report on Earth Ponies’ Cutie Marks (Applejack’s task).
Fluttershy will handle the curious Pegasus cases, and after her report we will update our schedule.

As Applejack did her research a while ago, and was quite upset that she did it for nothing, I render it urgent for you to contact her. Applejack is a hardworking pony, and when she heard that she spent all day analysing flanks, and nopony will look at her report for quite a while, she spent a whole evening in her barn, bucking her bucking bag. Well, maybe it’s just her everyday’s workout, but I doubt it - Applejack doesn’t like wasting her energy.

I’m sending Spike to Sweet Apple Acres - I don’t have the nerve to invite Applejack here, to Ponyville as she is nowadays quite busy working in her orchard.

Deepthroat me soon
Twilight Sparkle

PS. Please, be nice and quick with Applejack.

Dear Twilight

I’m happy to hear about Spike being well again. I think, that the name you came up for the enchantement fits perfectly. I’ll send a nice note back to Applejack, when I get her report on Cutie Marks. I understand, why she can be nervous about it and I’ll try to calm her down if necessary.

Always happy to hear from you
Princess Luna

Princess Luna

The name sucks big time, and I’d be glad if you didn’t use it, like ever. I’m on my way to Apple Acres already, so Twilight won’t see that you support her craziness and social awkwardness. It’s enough for me, that she had called ME that name once.

Spike

PS. Don’t send any paintings.

Your Nocturnal Majesty,
Princess Luna

It is a great honor and privilege, that a Mare of Thine status and ancestry delights Her humble subjects with Her invaluable time.

Hereby, I present Thee the work of utmost importance - the report on the Equine Symbols known colloquially as Cutie Marks, regarding Thine most numerous servants - the Earth Ponies.

We, the Earth Ponies, are creatures of hard labor, perseverance and devotion to the cause, and it should come to no surprise that the Equine Symbols we bear with grand pride reflect those treats.

A noticeable number of our kind is bound with edibles production, and I include my humble persona in this category. It does not equal being limited by any means however; I am more than certain that my beloved little sister Apple Bloom will follow any path she desires, even if it means leaving Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight Sparkle informed me that it is not unlikely that Apple Bloom will pursue her future in art - and I already spoke with my friend Octavia to keep a watchful eye on her.

The other common motif among the Earth Ponies are tools of wide variety, however they were more spread in the early days of Ponyville, during the times of early settlements. I believe, that the Equine Symbols adjust themselves to our community’s current needs - which would partially justify the widly spread weather-related motifs among the Pegasus kind.

Your humble servant

Dear Applejack

I really appreciate your report on Cutie Marks, and methinks, there's more to explore in that area. I also thoroughly enjoyed the Canterlotian style of your letter; I certainly didn't expect to see it.

I'd like to take an advantage of the moment, and apologize you for having to wait that much time for your work to become relevant.

Thank you again, and I'm eagerly awaiting your future reports.

Princess of the Night
Luna

Dear Princess

What exactly did you have in mind, when you wrote "I certainly didn't expect to see it" ?

Applejack

DONT GO THERE, JUST LET IT GO - Spike

Dear Applejack

What I was trying to say, is that seeing your report written with such eloquence and in such an excellent manner, was something I didn't expect. It's been ages since I read a letter like this, not even mentioning your muzzlewriting worthy of the Canterlot's nobles. Seeing that such elegant skills still persist in this land pleases my mind and heart, and coming from Sweet Apple Acres it means even more. Who would have thought, that behind the crudely crafted hat and lovely, thick southern accent, a true gem lies.

Your friend
Princess Luna

Princess

Okay, I've had enough of this. You'd better keep your royal muzzle shut, or I'll shut it myself. Well, what do you think? Does it sound peasant enough? Oh, wait, maybe I should write IN ACCENT. Well, what'ya think o'that? Is mah writin' meetin' yer expah'tations now? Well, maybe I'm to harsh. Actually, I should be thankful that you even considered myself literate! Really, you're way too kind.

Applejack

PS. If I were you, I wouldn't count on hearing from me for some time.

Dear Applejack

I really didn't mean to offend you. I consider you being my friend and, as I mentioned earlier, a true gem. However, as a Princess, I can't let my subjects threaten me. I find it sad, that a mare capable of such exquisite writing lacks discipline.

With no hard feelings
Princess Luna

Warned ya.

AJ

Oh boy

I don't even where to start, this is so rich.
So I was napping on a cloud near the orchard when I overheard Applejack speaking to herself. And when I say "speak" I mean a giant litany of curses. I mean, I've seen some shit in my life. I've been to places where a one-eyed mule calls you a whore and spits in your face, and you thank him for being such a gentlecolt. But enough talking about Rarity's neighborhood. What I'm trying to say, is that I never suspected that I could be scared with threats directed at somepony else. Well, maybe a direct quote would be in place here, just to give ya the outline of the situation.

"This *********** ***t, I'll break this fu******** di******s legs and spine, I'll rip the ******** off ****** her wings and feed them to her, she'll eat her *********** wings that ****** ************ while I'll screw her with her own horn". Well, there were also some really harsh words, which a self-respecting lady such as myself would never even try to say.

So, when I finally had the guts to get off that cloud, I noticed our lil' pal Spike chasing Applejack, so I stopped him, and he told me everything.

So, apparently, you messed with the wrong mofo. AJ may not look like a short fused type, but if there's one goddamn thing in Equestria she hates, it's stereotypes. Did you know that she went to college in Manehattan? Bachelor's degree in economics? Nah, didn't think so. But I guess it only takes a hat, rodeo hobby and an accent for you to pigeonhole somepony. Way to go, princess, way to go. I still think that it was the "lack of discipline" part that crossed the freaking line.

And honestly, you should really take some classes in Equestrian economics. You called Applejack a "gem" twice. You know, how AJ calls gems? Hard potatoes. They're pretty much worthless here, you know. Applejack dislikes gems, they just make the plowing a pain. Geez, I knew that your current affairs awareness was a little rusty, but you really outdid yourself with this one.

Anyway, with Applejack on her way to Canterlot, I'd be pretty wet down there right now, even if I was over 25 (if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge) . Applejack is the Honesty, so I'm sure she meant every word. Ha. Your funeral.

Rainbow Dash, we're done here.

PS. But seriously dude, warn your guards, or at least buy a dog. I'm going to a PAAARTEEE with Pinkie Pie, so I'm not anwering any letters.

PS 2. Probably, we'll both be out for a day or two, just for different reasons. Again, sucks to be thee. Booya!

Dear Princess Luna

I finally have a chance to write to you, as Spike came here, saying that he is "too old for these leavings", but he didn't say 'leavings'. He used a less nice synonym. I strongly doubt his statement. After all, he is just a baby dragon.
Well, I gave him some oatmeal. I think he needs magnesium to calm his nerves.
Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to write to you about the Cutie Marks, because the girls asked me to do some... research. Today I finally managed to speak to some pegasi with unusual Cutie Marks. Well, maybe I wasn't using much words while talking to them, Okay, I wasn't talking, I was just looking at the ponies I met with. Uh, maybe I did not actually meet with anypony, I just observed them with my binoculars. And maybe I saw more than I wanted to. So you know, if it is not an inconvinience, just write me back. But you don't have to.

I'm sorry
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy

Now is really not the time. Your friend Applejack is right here, in Canterlot, and I believe she want's to duel me. Seriously, I could really use a hoof right now. She just stands there under the palace and calls me to "mare up and face her". The hell I will.

Seriously worried
Princess Luna

Yo Luna

Well Flutsie flew up here to our little rave here in Cloudsdale and she told us you have some conflict with AJ. Geez dude, just chill out. What's the worst that can happen, she'll just yell a bit and leave you. But don't leave your house, she's probably had drunk some cider while being on the train, and she can mess you up pretty badly. If you can understand what she says to you - that's good, because it means she probably doesn't have a broken bottle with her. Anyway I think you should totally come here. That blue stuff Pinkie brought with her is the bomb. Anyway I

Hi there Princess!

Well, Dashie fell asleep when she was writing the letter to you so I thought I can finish it. Currently, we're painting Rainbow's mane black, one time we painted it white, but then it turned out that it is really easy to recolor something white, so we are not making the same mistake twice.

Your lucky that our mailmare is at the party, I'm sending her and the rubber snakes right now.

XOXO
Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia

Yesterday I learned amazing things about friendship. For example, I learned that friendship is an ongoing journey, often leading us to mysterious places, such as backalleys in Canterlot, where my friend Applejack was found last night, or the drainage ditches, where our local mailmare was found sleeping with a letter in her mouth, and a few rubber snakes in her saddlebag. Don't ask.

Friendship is all about communication. Without it, there's place only for unfortunate misunderstandings where insurance companies and health care plans are involved.

I hope that your sister and our friend Luna is well, although I think that we will be contacting your niece, Princess Cadance, for the upcoming week, until the Luna situation becomes less awkward. Please, teach her the transportation spell if she doesn't know it yet. I'm sure that her insight on the Friendship's close relative, Love, will add to our overall research. We all are about to enter a stage in everypony's life, when certain questions arise. It was Fluttershy's suggestion, by the way.

Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle

To be continued.

Just because you are somepony's sister-in-law doesn't mean you are a part of the gang.

To My Beloved Sister Twilie and Her Friends

I just got a very brief note from my aunt Celestia telling me to take over her and Luna’s responsibilities as your supervisor for the following week. I think that it is just fantastic and it would be even better if we hang out together - I’m slowly getting bored spending all days at my palace. I love my husband very much, but there’s nothing wrong with us having some girl time together, right?
I really want to get to know you and your friends better, because I got the feeling as if just reappeared in your life all of the sudden.
The note also mentioned a side project you are working on. Aunt Luna already hoofed me over your existing work on the Cutie Marks, but I didn’t find Applejacks report you mentioned among them, so that one should be re-done I think. I’ll ask Applejack to do it again personally.
I also may have heard that Fluttershy has some questions about the speciality of mine, ars amandi. You can treat me as a hotline, I know everything. They don’t call me Mi Amore for nothing!

With Love, Love, Love
Cadance

PS. I thought about going to Ponyville’s spa with you girls! What do you think about it?

Dear Princess Cadance

I’d like to start with some good news - I’ll be replacing Twilight this week as the Canterlot-Ponyville mail censor, as our librarian said she is in desperate need for vacation. My guess was a tad different though, for when we got your letter she burst into tears crying that you are going “to steal her friends for yourself too, just as you did with her brother”. My, my, some mood swings we have, don’t we.
Taking over some of Twilight’s duties comes with Spike being here each day for at least few hours, so things can get awkward at times. To be honest, I constantly think how to handle the ongoing situation with him, with neither completely shattering his chances for a healthy relationship in future nor me becoming a number one town’s creep as a stigmatized fillyphile or dragon equivalent for it. Nestlingphile?
Anyway, if the situation becomes really desperate, I heard about some really... anatomically correct pony dolls. Maybe one of them will help him get over it. You know, it’s really strange to write all those things and know that he is probably drooling a few meters away, on the other side of my cabinet’s door.
You know what’s really frustrating? That unless I or Twilight get out of the town for good, it’s going to be always like this. It’s not like he is going to grow up without Twilight’s “permission” and that means letting Spike go on a plunder night.

Now the bad news. Look, I’ve read your letter and I know exactly what’s going on. I know that you are newly wed, but it doesn’t mean you have to immediately start the search for some young friends to have an excuse for leaving your house. Besides, it’s not like you don’t have a dozen spas there in Canterlot.

Let’s keep it professional
Rarity

PS. Don’t call your sister-in-law Twilie. She goes nuts everytime she hears it.

PS 2. I’m attaching Rainbow’s letter along. I didn’t read it, but try not to be offended.

What’s up Cadallac

Nice name I made up for you, ain’t it. Well, you’d better like it, because the second best I can think of is like Livid Lover. Seriously, what’s up with your wings. They’re livid, mare. Does your husband beat ya? Ha, just kidding.

Anyway, I had some questions regarding your so called ‘specialty’. Well it’s not me who started that gossip about your filly years. Look, I’m not guessing what you were doing when you didn’t foalsit Twi, but I know some ponies and heart-shaped Cutie Marks don’t just appear by themselves. I mean you still hit the jackpot. Hearts are at least ambiguous. When I was going to Cloudsdale’s school one colt showed up in class one day, and he had his own hoof as a Cutie Mark. Ended up wearing robes his entire life. I mean when he is not busy utilising his talent. But we all know who this creep is.
So, in Ponyville and Cloudsdale everyone (at least the ponies I know) do respectful jobs (or are unemployed slackers, and it makes me suspicious), but Ponyville is not the end of Equestria.
I won’t beat around the bush anymore. You ever seen a whore? Like somepony with “giving a head” Cutie Mark? Or, I dunno, someone named Tight-Night Spankle? I’m just curious, we were told that our talent can be anything.

Be hearin from ya
RD

“Dear” Rarity

I think I don’t have to write how displeased I was with your last letter. But, silly me, what more could I expect coming from some low-class tailor. Sure, just bash me for even trying to be friends with the acquaintances of a pony I used to foal-sit.
I don’t think you’re frustrated with poor Spike. No, you just want to have fun cockteasing him to death, and I think it’s even more sick than having your way with him because that way the Ponyville’s police would lock you up, and Spike would finally get some professional help from a shrink.
The real reason you are “frustrated” is that you can’t really leave that hole called Ponyville. Oh, did I accidentally hit on a sore point? Yes, I noticed how you hanged out with our mutual friend Fancypants at my wedding. I’m sure that he’ll be looking for another trophy wife in near future. Stay tuned, it may be your chance to enter the high society for up to three weeks.

Without any pleasure
Cadance

PS. Tell Rainbow Dash, that yes, I heard about her parents. She’ll understand.

PS 2. Just do those stupid reports and let’s get this over with.

Now listen you in-bred eye candy.

We don’t know where or when did you get the right to judge us, but I guess it’s a part of what’s wrong with you. Hay, it’s a part of what’s wrong with your entire family. Let’s make a short list.

1. Your dear Aunt sends your other aunt for a thousand years long trip and a strange “no hard feelings” line is wonderfully enough to make up for it? Please, it’s like Luna is still one step away from a death sentence. No wonder she just let things happen when things got ugly back then on your wedding day. If I were her, I’d probably took a leap of faith and supported those black cheese things.

2. It’s better be a “trophy wife” for a day than to even walk closely to your cousin for a minute.

3. Your family’s relations with Twilight’s family is like really, really weird. First, Celestia takes Twilight under her close supervision and keeps her away from her parents for like her entire life. Oh yes, but it started earlier! Because who was around with her when her parents were away? That’s right, you were. And then you are wooed with her brother. What’s next? Getting Twilight together with that jerk cousin of yours?

And yes, Rarity has every right to be frustrated. She is a dressmaker in an almost completely nude society. She did some huge deals with Canterlot folks, and what good did it do to her? Absolutely none. But no, it is YOU that has some big problems. Oh no! I’m no longer a strong, independent mare! I have responsibilities now! Quick, I need to have my hooves filed along with mares half my age. That’s the spirit!

Anyway, we think that this little exchange can end now. To assure that there are no hard feelings between us, we send gifts with this letter. The first one is Rarity’s old book on cleaning magic - I’m sure it will come in handy as you need to learn how to be a housewife, princess. The second gift is a bottle of lube. Consider it a gift for your husband you sapless jade.

Rare and Radical Squad

“Are you sure we want to write it down?” Rainbow Dash scratched her head and looked at Rarity.

“Come on, darling, it’s not like there’s anything to fight for here anyway. And believe me, it’s going to be weeks until she speaks about it with anypony, and certainly not with Shining Armor”, said Rarity and giggled.

“Well, ” Rainbow Dash took a deep breath, “but you’re writing your name under this one, Rares.”

PS. I’m most sorry for telling you it in these circumstances, but I guess that when the honesty hour comes we speak all the truth. And the truth is that you are a gay beard. A huge, bushy one. That’s right. And believe me, I know a very reliable source. But you know, who else do I know? Well all the ponies I got to know at Canterlot’s cultural events. It’s really easy to recognise a cultural event - you’re never attending. So unless you don’t want to taste a little more fame, please shut your snout.

Love, Love, Love
Rarity

Dear Princess Cadance

I’m happy, that I finally brought myself to write to you. I was supposed to write a report on unusual Cutie Marks among the Pegasus Tribe. In my research I may have gone... too far. You know, um, like sneaking up on ponies and peeping. From distance, with binoculars. I may have also seen some stallion being... intimate with somepony. Or someTHING. I figured out I could use some help with understanding it.

Anyway, today I had a guest in my cottage, and you should be looking at her right now. Unless she confused you with somepony else. It happens. Earlier today, I had a really nice long talk with her, as she is a pegasus with a very unique Cutie Mark, and it is certainly not connected to her work. Some ponies don’t even know what her mark really represents.
But I know it now, and I’ll be really happy to include her point of view in my part of the report. If, of course, you have the time to do it. I won’t be mad if you don’t.

Your friend
Fluttershy

Fluttershy

Now is not really the time. And frankly, I don’t care about your so-called research.
As for your problem with ‘understanding things’, you’ll run into a lot of freaks and deviants in your life. Just deal with it. But it also would require coming out of your shack, so maybe you’re safe after all. And why are you doing this “um” things in letters? It doesn’t even make sense.

Cadance

Dear Girls

I’m (we are - Luna) happy to announce, that we are leaving the hospital soon. The fate decided, that there were just hospital beds left in the Canterlot’s General, and they were next to each other. It was a rough night back then, but you have to taste some hard love from time to time, you know? Where they chop wood, chips fly.
Anyway, we had a lot of time to talk things through. Sometimes it’s just a thing to do. To drop the curtains, to forget the courtesy. To speak your mind, say what you are feeling in your gut without holding back. Otherwise, we are just all fumbling in the dark, eyes shrouded with preconceptions and failed judgements. Yes, it sometimes can get messy (look who’s talking, they recognised me as their princess two days after submitting me to the hospital! - Luna) and there’s gonna be some dust on the battlefield - but when this dust finally falls down, your perception is crystal clear again, free of any stains, flawless.

I think that we all can benefit from this lesson in friendship. I’m sure that Princess Cadance will be glad to hear it as well - by the way, she already sent back our existing research to Princess Luna (she must have forgot to send the new ones though).

Anyway, I think it was a long week for all of us and we are looking forward to wrap the whole Cutie Mark project up.

Always thinking about you all
Princess Luna and Applejack

To be concluded.