"Congratulations Miss Pie, it's a... Bouncing, baby... Ball?" Nurse Redheart stopped, words catching in her throat as she regarded the clipboard before her.
The nurse had always considered herself a reasonable and well-educated mare. She had all the necessary qualifications and qualities her profession demanded, and she took her job very seriously, as anypony should expect. So when a medical record of scribbled and foalish drawings magically appeared in her hooves, what should have she expected? The only discernible thing in the notes was a four-thirty pm time of birth, and a photo of a pink and blue rubber ball paper clipped to the side.
The white mare's face contorted into a whole manner of odd and perplexing expressions before she was finally able to process the scribbles scrawled before her. A pony... An adult mare with a supposed standard medical record for her first pregnancy had given birth to a... A ball? Her mind worked, genetic and magical possibilities spinning amidst memories of countless medical classes. Her final diagnoses; this made no sense at all!
"Awww, he's so beautiful!" Cheered a high pitched voice and the nurse peered over her clipboard. "He looks so much like his father. Awww, and look at his little face too! So adorable I could die!"
Sitting up in the hospital bed of the maternity ward was Pinkie Pie, and wrapped in her forehooves was a small bundle of blankets. The pink mare with poofy candy mane looked like she'd been through whatever any mother had in this part of Ponyville hospital. She was exhausted, coat marred by sweat and soggy mane drooping. Yet she still had the bouncing enthusiasm that most ponies in town attributed to her. Of course, another major thing that most sane ponies associated with Pinkie Pie, was the fact that she hardly ever made sense. This didn't happen, it couldn't happen? Who in Equestria had been her midwife, or doctor for that matter?
Nurse Redheart glanced at the clipboard once again, eyes scouring images of pink flowers and happy suns beaming down with smiling faces, for any bastion of sense amidst the chaos. Of course, there was nothing. This was, yet again, one of those times that things did not make any sense. In fact, no, this had to be the ultimate time things just didn't make sense!
"Awww, you cute little boy you! I'm going to snuggle and cuddle you so much! I've waited all my life for a moment like this!" Pinkie Pie went on, nuzzling the little ball of blankets.
Finally, Redheart set down the clipboard, pressed a hoof to her chest and cleared her throat. "Hello, Miss Pie. I'm just here to inform you that you, and your..." The pale mare bit back the words, logic battling with estranged reality in her head. "Foal..." The word tasted off as it clawed its way from her lips. "Are perfectly safe and healthy."
Pinkie Pie beamed, cerulean eyes gleaming even from under the strands of sweaty mane that drooped over her face.
"Oh Celestia, that's so wonderful. I was really worried for a bit there, I didn't expect him to arrive so early. I was at home and then..." Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. "I was in the kitchen baking and thinking my treats smelled so nice, then there was this pain in my tummy and next thing I knew there was water every..."
"Okay, okay, that's perfectly fine, Miss Pie. I'm well aware of how labor works, thank you." Redheart interrupted, lifting a hoof to stop the blabbering mare. "Now if that's everything, Miss Pie, I have work to do elsewhere."
To say that was the truth would have been a lie. Redheart was assigned to the maternity ward today, for sure. Yet the only 'foal' that had been delivered today wasn't even a real foal! Nevertheless, anything to get back to a nice calm world where things made sense would be appreciated. A place where mares gave birth to foals and rubber balls were made in factories.
Pinkie cocked her head, ears twitching. "Oh, you're busy, hur? That's okay, I was just wondering where Nurse Buckball is?" she asked, and Redheart almost tripped as she stopped mid-stride.
"Nurse who?" she asked, pivoting back to face the pink mare.
"Nurse Buckball, silly. You must know her, she's the one who helped me through this. She was here just a minute ago, I'm sure." Pinkie elaborated and Redheart's eye twitched.
"I'm sorry, Miss Pie, I don't know anypony here by that name? I'm pretty sure I'd remember a name like that," she retorted, once again turning to leave.
"Awww, but she helped me deliver the foal and everything, she can't have gone!" Pinkie moaned, leaning back and rubbing her pudgy belly with a sigh.
Redheart caught a glimpse of the ball wrapped up in the blankets, pink and blue, just like the photograph. Of course, this would happen on the one day she was stuck on this shift. Not just that, but it had to be the only birth happening today too! By Celestia, what had she done to deserve this?
"Okay, look." Redheart raised a forehoof. "I'm sorry I don't know that pony, I'm pretty sure they don't work here but I'll ring over and check anyway."
Pinkie Pie's smile grew so large it was a wonder her face could accommodate it, and Redheart moved over to a bedside phone before ringing for the reception desk.
"Hello, this is Nurse Redheart in the maternity ward. Yes, I'm ringing to see if a Nurse Buckball is available, please?" To say she felt like a fool while asking that would have been an understatement. When a voice unnervingly alike to that of Pinkie Pie on the other end spoke back however, she flinched.
"Oh, don't be silly, silly. You know she's just stepped out on lunch break," the receptionist responded giddily.
Redhearts ears stood tall and she glanced at a clock on the wall. "She's gone out for lunch? But it's four-forty five!" she exclaimed.
"Lunch, dinner, potato, patarto. It's all the same to me," the shrill voice responded with a giggle, and Redheart slammed down the phone with a huff.
"Sooo, is she coming? I really, really want to share some of these photos with her!" Pinkie Pie asked, producing an album from behind her pillow and placing it on her lap so her 'foal' could see. The book was pink and blue and cover with more foalish scribbles. Of course, it was!
"She's stepped out for lunch, I'm afraid," Redheart confessed, glaring at the estranged clock.
"Awww, but I really need to show somepony all these memories," Pinkie Pie moaned, eyes growing wide.
"Of course you do," Redheart deadpanned, plastering a hoof to her face and dragging it down her muzzle.
"Can you look at them with me, please, please, please?" The pink mare pleaded, bottom lip quivering as it protruded from her muzzle.
Redheart rolled her eyes, ears folding back as she huffed and finally drooped. "I don't get paid enough for this," she droned as she trudged over.
"Yay!" Pinkie exclaimed, throwing her hooves in the air. Her 'foal', still wrapped within its blanket cocoon, was tossed up and landed right back in her arms as a chair magically materialized for Redheart to sit on.
Plopping her butt down, the white mare felt something like a pin in her spine lurch her back to attention as Pinkie opened the photo album.
"Awww, so many memories, hard to believe it's been a full eleven months, hur?" she began, before eagerly pointing out one of the photos. "Oh, oh, this is where I found out I was having a foal... Hard to think I was scared that day hur? I was like..." Pinkie snickered to herself. "You gotta be... Kid-in-me. Hehe, get it?" She nudged the slumping Redheart's side with an elbow as she presented an image of an ultrasound clinic. Only? Was that a bicycle pump pressed to her stomach?
"Oh, and this one. Awww, it was so sweet seeing my bump for the first time!" Pinkie exclaimed, motioning to an image of her viewing her perfectly normal and flat belly with a magnifying glass.
Redheart slumped further, a low growl rumbling from the back of her throat as Pinkie went on. From photos of her coughing on morning sickness confetti, too burping blue and pink bubbles. Even her uncontrollable cravings for rubber leaves and mane care products. It all made absolutely no sense!
"Oooo, and this one! I remember feeling so full like this. It was so hard to move while that big..."
"For Celestia's sake, that's it! I have had it with this nonsense, who is behind this? It's a joke, it has to be!" Redheart finally declared, shooting up and looking around the empty ward.
"A joke, what joke, silly? The only jokes I'm going to play are going to have to wait for my foal's happy birthday party," Pinkie questioned, before leaning forward and rubbing her lower back. "I just hope I can stop aching in time, ouch."
"But that's not a foal... It's... it's." Redheart turned, glaring at the ball in the blankets. None of this makes any sense, mares have foals, not rubber balls!" She ceased the album from Pinkie. "You say this is an image of you and the foal's father." She jabbed a hoof at an older photo. "That's you hugging a pony-sized balloon animal!"
"Hey, don't judge him, he'd be here to hold my hoof right now if..." Pinkie lifted a forehoof to her muzzle, looking shameful. "Well, if I hadn't accidentally popped him."
Redheart flitted to another page. "So explain this one? You say this is a foal bump, but you've clearly just shoved a ball down that green frock you're wearing!" she chastised, jabbing a hoof at another photo of a large bellied Pinkie Pie at a party.
"Don't say that! You try carrying around a foal like that, it's hard," Pinkie protested, pouting.
Redheart snorted. "I have! I have a daughter, a real daughter and I can tell you that my foal shower did not look anything like this!" She directed a hoof towards a photo displaying a party attended by a sack of flour, pile of rocks, and a bucket of turnips, each wearing a pink and blue party hat. "I mean, what are half of those? Rocks, vegetables?"
"Hey, you forgot about Sir Lintsalot, he was there too, and the presents they gave me were amazing! Such yummy cake and chocolates." Pinkie rubbed her belly, tongue lulling limply from her mouth. "And my foal is real, he's the best foal ever. I'm going to call him Walter!" Pinkie crossed her forelegs around her foal, giggling.
"That's not even a real pony name!" Redheart declared, slamming the book closed. Finally, she pressed a forehoof to her brow and sighed. "I have no idea what you're talking about. But you're really telling me that you conceived a foal with a balloon pony, and then genetically produced a bouncy ball?" She moved the hoof from her brow to rub her aching temple. "And here I thought pony, griffin crosses were complicated."
"I don't care, the point it that I love Walter! I loved his daddy too!" Pinkie paused, gently rubbing a forehoof over the ball. "Even if I kinda, killed him... But still, love is love, and our foal is beautiful." She glared at the nurse. "Don't believe me, just take a look!"
Seconds later and the blanket entombed ball was thrust way to close too Redheart's face for comfort. The medical mare recoiled, falling to the tiled floor in a fit of sprawling hooves. This made no sense, it wasn't right, not logical and... Wait, did it have eyes? A pair of lilac spheres opened on the pink and blue orb's surface, blinked once and then the thing sprouted a muzzle.
Redheart stared at it in utter disbelief as the beautiful, bouncing baby ball finally spoke. "Turn that frown upside-down, silly. I'm sure you're next foal will be just as cute as me!"
********
Redheart screamed, flying awake as her desk chair was tossed back and she fell sprawling onto the floor. Rubbing her aching forehead she opened her eyes to see a pale roof, clinical white walls and a clean hospital curtain looming over her. She took a deep breath, cool air filling her lungs as she sat up and glanced at the room's clock.
"Nine-o-one, I'm on the maternity ward today, that's right," she told herself, taking another deep breath as she surveyed her surroundings.
She was in one of the ultrasound rooms at Ponyville hospital. It had all been a dream! Of course, it had all been a dream! Ponies giving birth to toys and talking bouncy balls, how ridiculous. Redheart picked herself up and moved over to the room's one window, opening it wide and taking another deep breath of fresh air. Maybe she'd just been working herself too hard? This had been a full seven day week after all?
There was a knock at the door and the nurse mare's ears perked. "Come in!" she called.
"Oh, Nurse Redheart, are you okay? I heard crashing!" the panicked unicorn said as she poked her head in.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Now, do you have the appointments for today?" she asked the nurse, calming her colleague with a slow wave of her hoof.
"Of course, there's a whole line of mares waiting in the lobby right now. Let's see, the first patient is a Miss, Pinkamena Diane Pie." The unicorn looked up from the notes magically levitating before her to see nothing but an open window and a curtain swaying in the breeze where Redheart had once been standing.
Author's Note
So this is just some cute random thing I made a few months ago now and kinda forgot about. Inspired by the cover art obviously, it didn't have as much context before.
However, thinking about that last part it could actauly be an odd kinda squeal to my first ever fic too: No More Fun And Games.
Just an idea. Regardless, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
