George Trestale, Accidental Bad Guy

by DrOcsid

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Profanity
Length: 10196

Exiled from his own kingdom, a man has a rather hard time making his way through Equestria - especially when his own defective magic keeps screwing everything up for him.

For centuries, the human and Equestrian kingdoms have been on perfectly positive terms - there hasn't been a single source of conflict that could possibly jeopardize their relations.

That is, until now. Obsessed with finding a way to harness the magic so inherent to the Equestrians' lives, a reckless scientist by the name of George Trestale conducts some poorly-thought-out experiments that end up landing him in hot water. Exiled from his own kingdom and stuck with powers that don't work properly, he's forced to travel Equestria and find someplace he can settle down. However, when his hard-to-control magic starts giving the impression that he's trying to terrorize the place, that proves to be easier said than done.

This is a different take on the main premise of my rather mediocre first story, George Trestale, God of... Something. (Seriously, don't bother. It's not good.) These stories share no continuity with each other, so there's no required reading beforehand.

Published 2018-10-12 05:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-17 01:40:48 UTC

A New Day

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I shot up off the pillow, instantly awake. "Holy crap! What is that noise?!"

I looked around the room for a moment before my vision finally came to rest on none other than my brand new alarm clock.

Oh. Right. Forgot I bought that.

The typical worn-out feelings of having just woken up finally caught up to me, and I rubbed my eyes momentarily before looking back at the annoyingly loud machine on my nightstand. I wasn't yet used to having one of those things, which made using it an agitating experience, to say the least. I seriously couldn't imagine how people could stand being awoken by that horrific noise every morning.

The clock's reign of terror was summarily vanquished at the hands of my fist—or, well, I guess that'd be one hand—, which I'd tiredly slammed down on top of it, silencing my alarm clock and also, possibly, giving it a concussion. As I came to terms with no longer having the luxury of being asleep, I dragged myself out of bed. Evidently, though, I'd caught my foot in the blankets or something, because in a matter of seconds I'd found myself falling straight towards the floor.

I let out a pained "OOF!" as my face became one with the carpet. Ugh. World's greatest scientist here, everyone. I pulled myself back up onto my feet, snatched my glasses off the nightstand, and opened the curtains. Immediately, my vision was flooded with the blinding light of the Equestrian sun. Extra emphasis on the "blinding".

"Agh! Damn it!" I turned away from the window, cursing myself for not letting my eyes properly adjust. Once my vision had finally gone back to normal, I put my glasses on and began my typical morning routine—one that I’ll spare you the details of.

By the time I’d made it downstairs, however, my mood had completely changed. You know, there’s something really reinvigorating about being freshly-showered, having newly-brushed teeth, and wearing a set of clean clothes. I'd adorned my typical work attire for the day, that being a pair of jeans, a white polo shirt, a black tie, and, to top it all off, a lab coat, to really drive home the whole "I am a scientist" concept.

And as if there weren't enough upsides to my morning as it was, I'd also taken the time to make myself a nice, steaming hot cup of black coffee. That’s always a plus. And by this point, I’d figured that, given that it was morning, logically, I should take the time to eat a nice breakfast. However, just as I'd opened the fridge with the intention of staring at it for ten minutes and not finding anything I want, I heard a knock at my door.

“Oh, shoot. One minute!” I shouted at the door. I shut the fridge, grabbed my coffee, and downed the last of what was left in the mug. However, as I had now remembered just a little too late, I hadn’t actually given my coffee a lot of time to cool. “AGH!” I somehow managed to shout through the searing pain in my mouth. Reflexively swallowing the hot coffee (which only made the problem worse), I fumbled with the mug, inadvertently spilling it all over my clean suit, shirt and tie, and letting the mug fall to the floor and shatter.

I stood there for a good few seconds, processing what had just happened. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even allowed to live by myself. I stepped over the remnants of the mug and ran to the door. Determining there was no way I could reasonably hide the coffee stain on my plain white shirt, I ended up just opening the door regardless in hopes that whoever was there wouldn’t notice it.

“Hey, Georg— Oh, man! What happened to your clothes?”

The disappointingly perceptive man I’d found standing in front of me was none other than Jack Anthers, my longtime friend and “lab assistant”. I put that term in quotes because, despite that being his job title, his actual helpfulness was debatable, to say the least—mainly due to him only having started working under me a month prior. That’s not to say I didn’t appreciate him being around, he was a great guy and all, but he was more akin to a trainee than anything. I, of course, being the trainer in question.

“Oh, my—My clothes?” I looked down at my significantly browned apparel. “This is, uh, a new style they came out with recently. They make the clothes look like they got coffee spilled on them.”

“Really? Sure looks like you just spilled coffee all over yourself. It’s even dripping off your tie.”

“Yeah, it’s impressive how realistic they make it,” I said, squeezing some coffee out of said tie. “So, uh, what was it you said you came here for? Or did you not mention that part yet?”

“Oh, right! The King sent me to come get you early today. He said there was something he needed to talk to you about. Seemed really urgent, too.”

Early? That was new. Calling me in early wasn’t something he typically ever did. What could that possibly be for? “He wants me to come in early? Like, as in right now?”

“Yep!”

“Oh, well, that's just delightful," I said, wringing out my tie some more. "Brilliant timing. Why doesn't he just come down here and shoot me, while he's at it?”

"That's... a little excessive, don't you think?" asked Jack, who had adopted a clear look of concern on his face. "Are you doing okay? I'm surprised you're actually ready for work this early."

"Yeah, the King finally made me get an alarm clock after I came in late one too many times. I kinda hate the thing."

“Really? I can't imagine not having one. I always have plenty of time to eat breakfast in the morning 'cause of it.”

"Yeah, well, apparently I don't get that luxury," I said. "I haven't eaten breakfast yet, and now I've gotta come into work early. Best of both worlds."

"Why not just eat breakfast at work?"

“Because I seem to be the only one there who can competently make microwave pancakes. Also, their microwave’s broken.”

“Well, you better hurry up and go grab something! You can eat it on the way there.”

“Oh, fine.”

Before too long, Jack and I were making our way down the bright, busy, bustling streets of Humantown. And before you get on me for that name, it wasn't my fault. Our King's entire bloodline has had this thing for being terrible with naming stuff. It was pretty much ingrained into our culture by this point.

This particular town was the capital of the sizable nation of Euria, home to myself along with millions of other people. Kinda small compared to the neighboring Equestria, but, hell, we did pretty good for ourselves. The two of us were headed straight for my place of work—that being the castle. Generic way to refer to it, I know, but the King didn’t even bother trying to name it, so that’s just what we called it. It was the only castle around, after all.

“What does Tetesac want me to come in early for, anyway?” I asked. Tetesac, as you may be able to guess, was the name of this King we've been mentioning so much. Now that you know his name, maybe the word "King" won't keep getting so repetitive.

Now, I wasn’t usually one to question whatever Tetesac wanted me to do, given that he was about as bad-natured as a litter of Labrador puppies, but I was a little irritated that all I'd ended up being able to eat for breakfast was a couple lightly salted rice cakes. That, and I was starting to get a little worried about exactly what it was he needed me in early for.

“He said it was about one of your projects he hasn’t been told about.”

I nearly choked on my rice cake at the sound of that. "I-Is that right?"

"Yeah, some kinda box-shaped thing. He's just curious what it is, I think."

It was very much true that I was working on something more or less behind Tetesac's back, which didn't bode too well, given that, generally, you don't want people to find out you've been hiding things from them. Especially when that person is not only your boss, but the sole ruler of your place of residence.

“So what? He knows I’ve got tons of those. Took him a good few months to find out I was using my spare time to research the effect of peanut butter on his dog.” I eyed a certain bar the two of us frequented as we passed by. “Hey, maybe I should get a drink to prepare for whatever this is.”

“What? It’s eight in the morning! Besides, we can’t afford to make his majesty wait.”

”’His majesty?’ Did you seriously just say that?”

“It’s the proper nomenclature!”

“The what, now? Dude, you know he doesn’t mind being called by his actual name.”

“I know, I know, it just... feels wrong.”

I noticed an unfamiliar passerby waving at me, and I waved back in typical offhand fashion before turning back to Jack. “You’ve been paying too much attention to those ponies, man. They should make up some kind of term for people like you.”

"What, people who're interested in Equestrian culture?"

"Yeah, that. What does make you so interested in Friendship-Sunshine-Happiness-Land, anyway?"

"Well, they're a culture completely different from ours."

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, it's the little differences. Like, for example, their speaking habits. Sure, we speak the same language, but they change little things about it. Instead of 'everybody', it's 'everypony'. Instead of 'Dear God', it's 'Dear Celestia'."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," I said, waving my hand in the air. "Different cultures are fascinating and all; I guess it's not all that crazy. I've got my interests in them too."

"Like what?"

I stopped walking and pointed upwards, directly at the sun. "You see that?"

He looked up, squinting. It took him a second to realize what I was talking about. "The sun?"

"Right. Every day, their Princess raises that thing into the sky, so they say. You know what allows that to happen?"

"Magic?"

"Exactly," I said, resuming my walking. "That's what interests me. Anything that's powerful enough to lift the sun into the sky, well, that's a hell of a thing to consider. Imagine the sheer number of possibilities this whole magic business could open up for us."

Jack took a moment to respond, seemingly unsure of what I was saying. "I don't know, things have gone pretty well so far without it. You know what they say. Don't fix what's not broken."

I feigned a gag. "Ugh, I hate that saying. Ever-used by countless people who seem to think there's never any room for improvement. Sure, a C is a passing grade in school, but no one ever told you not to shoot higher, did they?"

"Weren't you always the one doing just the bare minimum to get your degree?"

"That's not the point! It's just... the possibilities, man! It seriously keeps me up at night sometimes."

Before long, we reached the front of the castle. The steps leading up to it were positioned with a few guards at its sides, who merely quietly acknowledged me as I walked by. That was a pretty neat perk of working in the castle. No one questioned me entering. Though, that wasn't all that impressive once I found out it wasn't actually closed off to the public.

Once we reached the top of the stairs, we found ourselves met with none other than Tetesac himself, chatting with a guard and apparently waiting for the two of us. Upon catching eye of us, he turned away from the guard for the sake of making a greeting.

“Ah, Jack! George! How are you two doing?”

Jack, of course, made sure he was the first to respond. “I’m doing great, thanks! You didn’t have to wait out here for us, you know.”

“Oh, it’s no problem at all. I needed some fresh air anyway. Though, perhaps that was a bad idea, being that I seem to have agitated my allergies.” As if on cue, Tetesac let out a sneeze, thankfully having the courtesy to do so into his arm rather than all over us. After recovering, he turned to me. “And as for you, George?”

“Wh—Huh?” Truth be told, I had kinda zoned out listening to the two. “Oh, yeah, I’m good. Hungry, though. Didn’t get much of a breakfast.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry about that. There was just something I wanted to speak with you about. Shall we go in?”

“Yeah, alright.”

The two of us entered the castle’s front doors, which led directly into the rather spacious halls of the place. The floor was adorned with a gorgeous cardinal red carpet from wall to wall, while various banners of a similar color hung from said walls. Somehow, despite regularly entering this place at least five days a week, I still got at least a little impressed with it every time. It was just so big.

The three of us made our way downstairs, to the underground halls of the castle. These halls were significantly less impressive, instead being comparable in size to what you’d find in the average high school. A complete lack of carpet or banners, too. Instead, down here we were stuck with a linoleum floor and white-painted undecorated walls. It looked more modern, sure, but at the same time, way more boring.

We eventually made it to the door to my lab, which, to my surprise, was apparently already unlocked, as Tetesac simply opened the door instead of waiting for me to get my keys like usual. As we headed in, Tetesac flipped a light switch on the wall, illuminating the lab I was oh-so-familiar with. As usual, the place was in pretty good condition, with the counters along the walls holding various things relating to the numerous projects I’d been working on at the time.

One counter, for instance, held a few food-related experiments, such a prototype for a bread that could never grow mold. It technically worked, but the stuff was so dry and bland that no one was actually willing to eat it. I eventually just decided to use the loaf as a doorstop. The rest of the counters were much less organized, holding a variety of different items of varying actual usefulness. This included:

A toaster that can only toast one side of a slice of bread (It was my first ever invention, don’t judge me.)

A partially-functioning teleporter (That’s more impressive, now isn’t it? Essentially, it functions by not working at all and thus causing you to manually move the object yourself.)

My broken microwave.

Overall, my own usefulness as a royal scientist was rather sporadic. It’s not to say that I was bad at my job—why would I ever admit to that?—but, rather, outside of the assignments Tetesac gave me, there wasn’t a whole ton of stuff for me to do. Sometimes it felt like no one ever figured out what a job titled “royal scientist” actually entailed, so it pretty much amounted to me just doing what the King said most of the time and worrying about my own projects the rest. But, to my credit, I did invent a new material for doorstops. That’s gotta be worth something.

“So,” I said, breaking the extended silence, “What’d I miss breakfast for, then?”

I was a little worried about how he might answer, and his response only confirmed my fears. “Ah, yes, I was just wondering about this little doohickey right over here.” Tetesac walked over to cube-shaped object in the corner, covered with a black trash bag, He pulled it off, revealing what was underneath to be, unsurprisingly, a box-shaped object.

It was mostly a sort of dark gray in color, the front panel adorned with a screen on the right end, some buttons to the sides of it, and on the left, what appeared to be a small, empty transparent container, no bigger than the average one-liter soda bottle, embedded into its own compartment. The top panel, on the other hand, had what seemed to be a round hatch in the center, with no clear way to open it in sight. The whole thing wasn’t particularly huge in size, only measuring roughly three by three feet on each side.

“Ooh, what’s that?” Jack asked. I couldn’t blame him for not knowing what it was, since I’d only worked on it while I was alone. Though I don’t know how he never noticed it before.

Tetesac simply looked to me for an answer, and Jack’s gaze quickly followed suit.

Shoot. I can’t tell them what this is. It’s not ready yet. “W—Well,” I said, trying to come up with some sort of answer, “That’s a good question. And the answer to it is, uh...”

“Come on, tell us!” said Jack.

“...It’s a coffee machine.”

With that, the room remained silent for a good five to ten seconds. It wasn’t until Tetesac finally let out a short laugh that instantly broke the tension. “Oh, is that all? From how you were building it up, I thought it would’ve been something far more, well...”

“Cool?” Jack said, finishing his sentence for him. He looked much more visibly disappointed. It seemed like he genuinely thought he was gonna find out about something life-changingly significant.

“Yes, that.”

“Well,” I said, laughing a bit myself, “You guys know how much I like coffee. And, let me tell you, once this thing’s finished, you’re gonna be drinking the best god damn coffee you’ve ever tasted.”

“Oh, is that so?” said Tetesac, chuckling to himself. “Well, you’re certainly setting yourself up to a high standard, aren’t you? We’ll hold you to it. Right, Jack?”

“I don’t really like coffee, but sure.”

“Does it function in any capacity yet?” said Tetesac, crouching down and eyeing the screen.

“Not yet,” I said, walking up to him. “I tried to test it out recently, but the stupid thing ended up getting coffee grounds all in its, like, inner workings and stuff. It’d probably explode or something if I turned it on now.”

“Ah, I see. That’s a shame.” He stood up and turned back towards me. “Well, as much as I would love to stay and chat some more, I must get back to my kingly duties and such. Not to mention, it’s almost time for Ida’s breakfast.” As he walked over to the door, he stopped for a moment. “By the way, sorry about calling you in early, George, I was just so curious about what this was.”

“Yeah, that’s alright. It’s just a little side project. How’d you find out about it, anyway?”

To my surprise, Tetesac’s jovial expression quickly faded after I asked that question. “Oh, right. I simply thought I'd left something of mine in your lab yesterday. I saw it when I came in.”

I didn’t bother questioning his sudden change of demeanor. “Ah, yeah, that makes sense. Well, now you know. Maybe one day you can come in and accidentally notice some of my other projects I’ve been itching to talk about.”

With that comment, Tetesac’s typical jovial demeanor returned. “Heh, perhaps I will. Well, I’ll leave you two to it.” And with that, he headed out the door.

“Well, alright then,” said Jack, cracking his knuckles for some reason. “What are we going to work on today?”

“Good question,” I said. After thinking for a moment, I went over to the door, shut it, and locked it.

“What are you doing?” Jack asked. I didn’t bother responding, instead walking over to the box-shaped machine I’d just been interrogated about. I crouched down, lifted it, reached under it, and flipped a switch. With that, the screen came to life, listing a series of options that corresponded to the buttons on the sides of it.

“Wh—Huh?” Jack made some kind of expression of confusion as he walked up behind me. “I thought you said that thing didn’t work!”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Sure, yeah.”

"No, like, really, an actual secret. One of those 'don't tell a soul' type deals. Blood pact-level severity, here."

"Yes, I can keep a secret! Just tell me!"

I slapped my arm down on top of the box. “This, my acquaintance, is not a coffee machine.”

Weird Science

"It's not a coffee machine?"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

Jack watched me fiddle a bit with the buttons. "Then why'd you tell the King it was?"

I stopped for a moment and looked back up at him. "Well, 'cause I don't want him to know what it is. Duh. Come on, man, work with me here."

"You can't just lie to the King about your experiments! Especially when they're done with his funding!" He crossed his arms. "I don't think I can, either!"

"Ah-bup-bup!" I brought my finger up and wagged it in his face a bit. "You already agreed to secrecy! There's no backing down now."

"What? That's not–" Jack crossed his arms a defensive-looking stance of sorts. "That's different! I didn't have all the information! Do you know what could happen if the King found out you—no, we—were lying to him about our experiments?"

I stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Which is why we're not gonna let him find out, right?" His facial expression shifted to one of annoyance. "Look," I said, removing my hand, "if it makes you feel better, in the event that he does somehow discover the true nature of this thing, I won't tell him you knew about it."

"Still, it just... feels wrong, you know?"

"Well, I can solve that!" I said, crouching back down and hitting a few more buttons on the machine. "All you gotta do is hear me out for a moment. I'm sure I can change your mind." Jack didn't respond, so I continued. "Now, as for what this is. I've gotta preface that one with a question of my own. You remember the conversation we had this morning?"

"What part of it?"

"The part about the magic and stuff. Lifting the sun into the sky, and all that."

"Yeah, I remember."

I stood up yet again, ready to count all this crouching and standing into my daily exercise routine. "Well, we both know the crucial differences between humans and ponies. Two legs versus four, small eyes versus giant ones, opposable thumbs and a lack thereof. But the most important distinction? Magic. And I don't just mean in unicorns—that stuff, I swear, is, like, woven into the very fabric of their society. Isn't that right?"

"That's right," said Jack. "From what I remember, all ponies have magic in them, even if only unicorns can consciously use it."

"Alicorns too, but yeah, you're pretty much correct. Magic is an integral part of their culture. By contrast, we've have never had anything to do with it. Hell, I thought the stuff was an urban legend for a little while. So, question is, what did we do instead? The answer, of course, is that we compensated with technology. And as a direct result, we're more advanced in that field. Equestrians even get a good portion of their tech from us—remember when we invented arcade machines? Those took off like a damn rocket over there."

"Okay, so, what are you getting at?"

"My point being, Equestria benefits from our technology. So, by the inverse, why shouldn't we be able to benefit from their magic? Well, this little box right here –" I gave it a small kick, for emphasis "– aims to let us do just that."

Jack uncrossed his arms. "To let us benefit from magic?"

I nodded.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Benefit how, exactly?"

"Well, isn't that the question of the day? Now, I need to remind you, this thing's just a prototype. it doesn't work all that well." I was getting a bit giddy by this point, thrilled at finally being able to explain this to someone. "But, once it is finished—get this—once this thing's functional, it should be able to bestow the ability to channel magic into any living being. Including people, of course."

Jack's eyes widened. "Wait, what? You're saying this thing can give people magic?!"

"Well, I haven't tested it on a person yet. That's the idea, though."

"That's insane!" Jack said, in a surprisingly upbeat tone. "Do you know how long people have been trying to figure out the secrets behind Equestrian magic? This could be a major scientific breakthrough!"

I couldn't help but feel a little smug at that. "Yeah, well, you know. So far I've only tested it on inanimate objects."

"And it works?!"

"Eh. Sort of. You know what? Let me just explain to you the process." I crouched down next to the box again.

"Now, magic isn't exactly something you can pull out of thin air. You've gotta channel it out of something magical." I pointed at the transparent capsule on the side. "You see this thing? This is where you put what I like to call the 'source object'. Realistically, you could put any magical thingy in here, and the machine would be able to transfer the magic out, and imbue anything in this hole"—I tapped the hatch on top—"with said magic."

"What kind of 'source objects' have you tried?"

"Well, being where we live and all, it's not exactly easy to find objects that have magical properties. But there is one particular thing of interest I found, a good while ago. See, going back to the whole 'all ponies have magic' thing, it turns out that stuff is present throughout their entire being—including their fur. Unicorns, however, by far have the highest concentration of it."

"You mean you use unicorn fur?"

"Well, I tend to prefer hairs from the mane. They're bigger, and all. Hold more magic. It's just not too easy to get them, being that ponies rarely travel here."

"Can't you just go to Equestria and get some?"

"Nah. Hell, I've never even been there. Plus, the magic doesn't stay within the hair for too long, so it'd fade before I could get one back here anyway. It's not a big deal, though. You'd be surprised how easy it is to convince a unicorn to give you a strand or two."

"Huh." Jack looked impressed, which, while it wasn't a very rare thing to see from him, was satisfying nonetheless. "Well, this is a lot of stuff to take in. One thing I don't get, though."

"What's that?"

"Why are you hiding this from the King?"

"Ah." I stood back up. "Two reasons for that. I'll start with the first, 'cause I can't logically start with the second. Because then it would be the first."

"Wait, what?"

"Never mind. Now, see, like you said, we've been trying to understand magic for centuries, and we've had a bit of help from ponies on that front, but our knowledge still ain't too vast. Even with that, though, we do know one thing. Stuff's volatile. If it's not properly contained or directed, it just kinda dissipates. Violently."

"Like an explosion?"

"Exactly. It's dangerous to work with. I know that firsthand, being that some of my earliest experiments under the King were magic-based. Problem is, I had one too many close calls, and, well, long story short, he doesn't want me working with magic anymore. He says it's for the safety of the public. And also for myself."

Jack placed his hands on his hips, looked down at the floor, and sighed. "Great. So, if you want this to be a secret, why are you telling me?"

I walked over to Jack. "Because," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I trust you, of course. Duh. That, and also, I need your help."

Jack broke eye contact with the floor and looked back at me. "M—My help? With what?"

"Glad you asked!" I said, taking my hand off his shoulder and stepping a few feet back. "Y'see, we've got a certain important visitor incoming tomorrow. Surely you've heard?"

I could see Jack racking his brain for a moment before coming up with an answer. "You mean Princess Celestia?"

"Right!" I said. "She's doing one of her occasional visits here tomorrow, and she's gonna have her typical dinner with Tetesac and all that jazz. Those two are like peanut butter and jelly, I swear."

"I wasn't aware they did that."

"Yeah, well, you've only been working here a month. This'll be your first time being around for this oh-so-legendary dinner tradition those two have."

"A legendary dinner?" Jack said, with a tone of skepticism plus a face of confusion. "How legendary can it be if I haven't heard of it?"

"Oh, you have no idea. Haven't you heard stories about the leftovers from those royal-scale meals? Stuff's heavenly, man. Celestia's got this Carbonara recipe that's shared only with the most elite of our chefs. Even I don't have any idea what goes into it, other than that it somehow doesn't use any meat. I'm pretty sure I'd murder someone just to know how to make my own. None of my attempts to replicate it have come close."

Jack's expression grew more confused-looking. "That does sound great, but what part of this do you need my help with?"

"Oh, right. Got a bit sidetracked there. The main thing is—" I stopped myself. "Wait, have you met Celestia yet?"

"No, why?"

"Well, would you like to?"

That clearly got Jack's attention, judging from how his eyes widened. "To meet her? Do you really think they'd let me?"

"Pfft. Of course. It's not that big of a deal. I've met her a good few times. She's real nice about it."

Jack looked down at the floor. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah, well, look, we can both go see her together tomorrow. It's actually part of why I need your help, actually."

He looked back up at me. "What do you mean?"

"Look, I don't—I don't want to get into specifics. There's just something I need from her, and I've got a very specific plan thought up on how I'm gonna get it."

"I don't like the sound of that."

"Oh, don't be paranoid. It's nothing crazy. Just remember to go along with what I say. Trust me, it's important. It could lead to my next big breakthrough on this 'giving us magic' thing."

I waited for a response, and he stood silently there for a bit before giving me one. I couldn't tell you exactly what he was thinking at the time, but I do know that, like I with him, he trusted me to some extent, and I believe that's what, eventually, led him to relent. "Alright. Only if you let me have some magic when you get done with it, though."

"Of course!" I said, clapping my hands together. "If I finish this thing, it'll be open to every human being alive! Hell, maybe I'll even market it to earth ponies, or pegasi. Or any of those other non-magic-bearers. Actually, for that matter, I could charge for it. Can you imagine the fortune we'd make off that?"

"Wouldn't that be hard to do without letting the King know?"

"Please. Regardless of what he's told me before, if I actually get this to work, he's gonna be thanking me." I grabbed the trash bag off the floor and obscured the machine from view. "Now, then. We should probably get to our actual work for the day."

Jack's eyes widened like he'd just been brought back to reality. "Oh, right."

I looked up at the clock for the thirty-seventh time in the past couple hours, and was delighted to find that, finally, our work day was over. We'd mostly been stuck with working on one of the King's assignments for the day, that being a weapon, similar to our muskets, that's supposed to be able to fire multiple projectiles without reloading. I know, crazy, right? We weren't exactly burning for advanced weaponry or anything, but it was neat to imagine having it at our disposal, at least.

I looked over at Jack, who was sitting across from me at our typical work table. He'd remained exclusively attentive to the gun we were working on, so I had to resort to getting his attention verbally. "Hey, Jack. Our shift's over. We're legally allowed to leave now."

Jack looked up at me, then at the clock behind him, then back to me. "Oh, man, time went by fast. Can't we do one last test fire before we go?"

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, fine. Grab your goggles."

Before long, the two of us were situated behind some very sturdy glass, fitted with both goggles, earplugs, and helmets just in case anything went deathly wrong. Jack had fitted the trigger up with a string that he now held in his hand, allowing him to safely fire the gun while we were safe behind said glass. The gun, on the other hand, was set on a stand on our work table, pointed at a large cube made of some gelatin Jack had bought at the grocery store.

"Alright," I said, looking down at the clipboard in my hands—one distinctly lacking any paper on it. "Final test fire for the day. You ready, Jack?"

He looked over to me. "What?"

I reached over and pulled one of his earplugs out, and said again, much louder, "Are you ready?"

"Oh! Yeah, I'm ready. I hope it works this time."

"Yeah." I handed his earplug back to him, and he grabbed it and re-deafened himself. "Alright, on three," I said, making sure to say it loud enough for him to hear.

"Got it."

"Three—"

Jack yanked on the string, pulling the gun's trigger and filling the room with a deafening BANG that, due to Jack's over-enthusiasm with pulling the trigger, startled the ever-loving hell out of me. Now, on one hand, a bang typically sounds like a good thing when you're trying to get a gun to fire—and this gun did fire, in some sense. More specifically, all of the gun's pieces fired off in various directions. In other words, it exploded. Jack and I instinctively recoiled from the explosion, and I made a pointless attempt to shield myself with my clipboard.

After a good few moments, I got over the shock from what had just happened, and peeked back out from behind my clipboard. The smoke had already began to clear, and the lab was now looking decidedly worse for wear.

"You know," I said, turning to Jack, who was still recovering, "When I said 'on three', I meant I was going to count down from three."

"Oh. I thought you were doing that thing where the person counting just wants the thing done instantly, so he just starts with three, you know?"

"Not really what I was going for, no." I turned back toward what was left of our day's work, which, while the gun was completely destroyed, most other things were, thankfully, fairly intact. Though, one of the gun's pieces seemed to have gone and penetrated my already-broken microwave. Insult to injury is what I'd call that.

"I told you we should've used the properly-threaded screws," Jack said.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, stepping out from behind the glass and removing my goggles. "Fine, I see what you mean. I'll go buy some on my way home tonight." I went over to the gelatin cube the gun was supposed to fire at, and found the gun's barrel sticking out of it. The bullet had went in a completely different direction, ricocheting off a steel coffee pot and falling to the floor, completely intact.

"Well," I said, picking the bullet up, "The bullet didn't pierce the gel at all, but the barrel did. I guess that's sort of a success. More or less."

Jack followed out from the glass and looked around the room, I assume trying to figure out where all the rest of the gun's parts had gone. "We should probably try and find whatever pieces we can," he said. "Though most of them are probably unusable now."

"Why bother?" I said, tossing the bullet aside. "Our day of work's over, remember? Let's just head out. Maybe we can stop by The Mineshaft and get something to eat—and more importantly, drink—on the way home."

"But the lab's a mess!"

"So?" I tossed my lab coat onto the nearest counter and walked over to the door. "We can clean it up when we're actually scheduled to be working. That being tomorrow, of course."

Jack sighed and followed me over to the door. "Alright, fine."

"You plannin' on drinking that, bud?"

I watched Jack look up from his mug of imported Equestrian Ale to the bartender, who stood about eye-level with Jack's sitting height on account of being very short. He was a rotund bearded man by the name of Barry Barlow, and he was the sort that was always interested in what you had on your mind. A little intrusive, sometimes, maybe, but I personally never minded much. It's nice to have someone who cares what you have to say.

"S-Sorry," Jack said. "I've had a long day."

"No need to say sorry," Barry replied. "S'your money, pal. You wanna buy beer just to stare at it, be my guest."

I glanced at Jack's similarly-untouched plate of food. "Let me guess. You're thinking about the stuff that happened at work today?"

Jack looked over to me and sighed. "Yeah."

"The stuff early in the day, or the stuff later?"

He looked down at his beer. "The former."

"Well, don't worry about it," I said, picking a strawberry up off my plate. "Come tomorrow, everything's gonna be just fine. You get to meet Celestia, I get to begin the biggest technological revolution in history. It's a win-win scenario, here."

After a moment of waiting for him to respond, I flicked the strawberry at him, which bounced off his head and landed in his beer. That seemed to get his attention, and he looked back to me. "Really?"

"Yes, really. You don't gotta be in whatever kinda funk you're stuck in right now. What's got you so worried?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

Jack looked around for a moment and then leaned in close, whispering. "I don't know how long I can go along with your 'coffee machine' lie. What if the King finds out?"

"Then I'll cover for you. He won't know you knew about it. No big deal."

"It's not just that!" he said in a less hushed volume. "I have a conscience, you know. I feel guilty about this. Don't you?"

I thought about that for a moment before answering. "Well, sure, a little. But it's for the greater good and all, y'know? Besides, it makes me feel like some kinda too-cool-for-school double agent. Like in a spy novel or something."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously. I fantasize about things like that. Imagining being the protagonist of a story, or something? It gets me through my work."

"No, not that—'for the greater good'. Are you really telling me the ends justify the means?"

"I dunno. Maybe." I took one last bite out of one of my pancakes and pushed the plate away. "We'll see tomorrow, won't we?"

"I guess." He stared at the strawberry floating in his glass for a moment, then took it out and ate the whole thing in one bite.

I'd only been giving him a cursory glance at the time, but that action got my full attention. "Man, you even eat like a pony. One of these days you should seriously just take a vacation there. Satiate your interests and stuff."

"Maybe you should do that," Jack replied. "I think you could learn some things from them."

"What, like the magic of friendship?"

"Maybe."

I chuckled to myself and got up off my barstool. "Yeah, that'd be the day."

Recipe for Disaster

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I shot up off the pillow, instantly awake. I was yet again in a state of shock, which transitioned into one of deja-vu. I sighed, leaned over to my nightstand, and grabbed my glasses off it. I am never going to get used to that stupid clock.

Although the specific act of waking up was as unpleasant as ever, my morning routine managed to pass by a good bit quicker than normal—the reason for that being, of course, I actually had something to look forward to today.

"Hey there, Celestia." I stood in the kitchen with my morning coffee, practicing some potential ways to greet the Princess when she stopped by today. I wasn't one for formal greetings, but I only had one opportunity to do what I needed to, and like hell was I going to screw it up.

"Nah, that's not it," I said to nobody. "Maybe, uh.... 'Hey, Celestia, how's it goin'?'"

Not that either. "Well, if it isn't Princess Celestia!"

No, that's a bit too villain-esque. "Celestia! What's happening, my solar sovereign?"

What the hell am I talking about? "Hey, Celestia, you've got something stuck in your teeth."

I took a frustrated sip of coffee. Maybe something a little more offhand. "Oh, hey, Celestia. How've you been doing?"

I mulled on that for a few moments and decided, yeah, that was probably good enough. I sat down at my table, impressed with myself for my ability to say seven entire words. I took a sip of my coffee—which I'd ensured was properly cooled this time—and stared directly forward at my front door.

"Three, two, one..."

Knock, knock.

I'm a goddamned clairvoyant, I swear. I downed the rest of my coffee, put the mug in the sink, and headed over to the door. I yanked it open to see, as I expected, Jack standing there.

"Well, good morning to you, Jack," I said, putting a hand on my hip. "You ready for today?"

Jack shrugged. "I guess so."

Our walk to the castle that day was noticeably quieter than the previous one, though it wasn't without its share of conversation. Jack had just apparently decided that it'd be more fun to be looking at the ground half the time, lost in thought or something. Was fine by me, really. I had a lot to think about.

Tetesac wasn't waiting for us this time, so the two of us just strolled right up the steps to the castle doors. I grabbed the handle but stopped at the last second. "Wait a minute."

Jack looked at me. "What?"

I turned around and looked back at the base of the stairs. There was a rather extravagant-looking chariot sitting on the ground, guarded by, to my surprise, a couple armored pegasi. Jack ended up following my gaze and saw the same thing.

"Oh, man!" Jack said. "Is Celestia here already?"

"Apparently. Maybe they're doing lunch this time. Would've been nice for Carlton to warn me."

"Carlton?"

"Yeah. Tetesac's first name. I'm thinking of starting to call him that."

Jack didn't seem interested in having that kind of conversation. "Well, okay. So, are we gonna go inside?"

"Guess so," I said. "I was gonna wait until around dinnertime to enact my evil plan, but since Celestia's already here, might as well do it now."

"What do you mean 'evil plan'?"

"It's a joke, Jack." I grabbed the handle again and pushed the door open. I peered inside, noticing that aside from a couple guards patrolling, the halls were completely devoid of life. "Jeez. Looking pretty desolate today."

Jack poked his head in beside mine. "Huh. I wonder where everyone is."

I stepped into the hall. "Probably helping prepare the lunch or whatever. Sure as hell hope they aren't already eating it."

"So, what are we doing, then?"

"We've gotta go find Celestia. Come on," I said as I started speed-walking down the hall. Jack followed suit, looking around for any sign of life. (I don't generally count the guards as alive, given how emotionless they usually are.) "Let's head for the kitchen."

After a bit more walking than I would've preferred, Jack and I reached said kitchen. I knocked on the door and, almost instantaneously, a chef pulled the door open. "Oh, hey, George!" She peered behind me. "Jack, too!"

"Hey, Cindy," I said. "Let me guess. Preparing for that meal?"

"That's right," she said. "Let me guess. You're looking for Celestia?"

I put my hands on my hips. "Well, gee, how'd you guess that?"

"I know you, George," she said, leaning on the doorframe. "You pretend like you don't like ponies, but you've got your soft spot. Like everyone."

Jack butted in. "I don't know about everyone. I don't think Mrs. Ritter is going to ever take that sign off her lawn."

"Yeah, but I think George has a different kind of soft spot." She looked me directly in the eyes. "You've got a thing for her, don't you?"

I stared at her for a second before mustering up a response. "Yeah, that's hilarious. You know I don't swing that way, Cindy."

"More of a stallion guy, then?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Could've had me fooled," she replied. "She's talking with the king right now, I think. He told me she was arriving early, so we're using the extra time to better prepare the dinner. This one just might be our, uh... what's that you call it? Our magnum opus?"

"Yeah, I think that's right," I said. "Sounds exciting, for sure. Well, thanks for the info. And, uh, by the way, about that carbonara recipe—"

"Not happening, George."

I snapped my fingers. "Damn. You know, you have no idea how jealous I am that you have access to that."

"Perks of the job, George. Don't complain. You get paid more than I do anyway."

"True. Well, thanks for the info. See you at dinner!" I waved as Jack and I walked off. "Well, I'd rather catch Celestia when Tetesac's not around. Plus, I don't wanna interrupt. I guess we might as well just head back to the lab for now."

"I guess. The king doesn't pay us to walk around, anyway."

"Really? If that's the case, I owe him quite a few of my paychecks."

Jack and I headed back down the hall, back towards the lab in hopes that we'd get the opportunity to catch Celestia while on our break or something. We headed down the stairwell to our own level and I took my keys out as we approached the lab. Just as I'd almost shoved my key into the door, however, I'd taken a second to look down the hall.

"What the...?" I murmured to myself.

"Huh?" Jack had apparently heard me, and followed my gaze with his own. "W-Woah! Is that her?"

Standing a good distance from us in the hall was, indeed, Princess Celestia herself, her back turned to us and evidently engrossed in admiring the white, undecorated walls. I guess that make sense when you rule a kingdom where everything's coated in flowers or pastel-colored paint.

"Random thought," I said. "Is it still called a 'kingdom' when it's ruled by princesses?"

"Huh?" Jack snapped his view to me. "Is that really important right now?!"

"Yeah, yeah, alright. Let's go meet her. Just remember what I said."

"Uh, can you go over it again real quick?"

"Just... go along with what I say. Otherwise, just be you." I took notice of the nervous look that had overtaken Jack's face. "And don't faint or whatever. Seriously, dude, it'll be fine."

"I just want to make a good first impression!"

"And the best way to do that is to not act like you're meeting the ruler of the most signifiacant nation on this planet."

"But that is what we're doing!"

"That's what the acting part's for. Come on, let's go before she disappears around the corner." Jack followed me as I walked down the hall, drawing nearer and nearer to Celestia. I didn't feel like startling her at the moment, so I deliberately made my footsteps as loud as possible before stopping a good few yards away. "Hey, Celestia!" I called out to her.

"Hm?" She turned around and, upon seeing me, gave a warm smile. "Oh, hello, George."

I strutted my best strut up to her while Jack lagged behind. "How've you been doing?"

"I'm well, thank you. I'd just come to visit you, in fact. And yourself?"

"You know I'm always good on the days you're here. You know, 'cause of the food."

"Of course," Celestia said as she let out a saccharine giggle. "And who is this with you?"

"Oh, right." I looked at Jack, who'd finally caught up. "You wanna introduce yourself?"

"Uh, I—" Jack cleared his throat and extended his hand, speaking with a somewhat bad attempt at sounding firm and formal. "I'm George. Nice to meet you, Your Highness."

I shoved my face in front of his before Celestia could reply. "What do you mean you're George?"

"Huh? I-I mean, I'm Jack! Jack Anthers!" He retracted his hand. "Sorry, this is new for me."

"Yeah, he's a real stickler for the formalities," I added.

Celestia laughed again. "Oh, that's quite alright. I'm very used to ponies being nervous about meeting Luna and I. I don't often see anypony take such a casual tone with me as George does, here."

"Well, we're all human, aren't we?" I said, ignoring the obvious falseness of that sentence. "Anyway, that somehow reminds me. See, Celestia, there's this new tradition we've come up with that I've been wanting to test-drive. Right, Jack?"

Jack furrowed his eyebrow and looked at me. "What? I haven't—" I could've sworn I heard a switch flip inside of him at that exact moment. "Oh! Uh- Yeah, that's right!"

I looked back to Celestia. "Care to partake, if you've got a second?"

"Does it involve exchanging recipes with each other?" I could always appreciate when royalty had their share of snark.

"No, not this time." I reached to my head and plucked out a single strand of hair. "See, the two parties exchange a single strand of hair with each other. To, like, symbolize... unity and stuff."

"Why, this is new to me," Celestia said with a hint of amused skepticism. "And how long has this tradition been in effect?"

"Since... uh, last week, I think?" I said. "It's weird, I know, but people are really dedicated to it for some reason. Don't worry, I use shampoo every morning."

"Well, since you took the trouble—" Celestia removed a single hair from her mane and levitated it over to me "—I suppose it can't be helped. As much as I suspect this is another one of your jokes, that is."

"Oh, not at all!" I said, grabbing the hair and acting faux-offended. "In fact, you should ask as many people to do this as possible. It'll go great!"

"If you insist, George," Celestia said with that everlasting smile still stuck on her face. "I'll make sure to inform them you were the one to tell me about it, of course."

"Great!" I said, suddenly gritting my teeth.

"I should likely head back and continue observing the setup, so I suppose I'll see you two at lunch. I know at the very least I'll see you there, George."

"Yeah, no crap." I gave a mock-salute. "See ya."

Celestia and I headed our separate ways simultaneously, and Jack, apparently having needed a moment to process everything, followed me. "What was that?!" he exclaimed.

"What?"

"That tradition thing. Did you make that up?"

"Well, yeah." I brought my fist up, still tightly holding on to the strand of Celestia's mane. "And it worked! Hallelujah." I admired it in its multicolor beauty. "Look at that. It even still does that weird flow-y thing."

"You lied to Celestia to get a strand of her hair?" Jack said, who, despite his mixed emotions, also couldn't resist eyeing it a bit closer.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Don't you remember that whole thing we did yesterday where I explained to you how my magic-transferring device thingy works?"

"Wait, what?" Jack said. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, I am. Very much so." I unlocked my door, headed in, let Jack follow me inside, then shut it and locked it. For good measure, I stuck one of my bread-doorstops in front of it as well. I made a beeline to my machine, yanked the cover off it, and opened the capsule, sticking the hair inside and sealing it.

"And also—" Jack walked over to me. "—Why did you even need me for that?"

"Just to back me up. For believability's sake."

"I said, like, one thing! And you couldn't have told me about it beforehand?"

"I've seen you lie, Jack," I said, fiddling with the screen. "I, for one, like to think I've got some decent acting skills, but you couldn't lie your way through a wet tissue. Look, you did good, okay? I told you to be yourself, and you did a damn fine job with that If I say so."

Jack sat up on the counter. "I guess. I wish I'd had more time to talk to her. You know, while we're not trying to con her out of a hair."

"You can do that at lunch," I said. I got up and started looking around the room.

"What are you doing now?"

"Looking for something to transfer this hair's magic to," I said, opening and shutting some drawers.

"But you just got it!" Jack said, getting off the counter. "You're already going to experiment with it?"

"That's my job, isn't it?" I dumped a drawer out on the counter. "I just need something that isn't too complex..."

"We don't know how powerful it is!"

I ignored that and thought to myself out loud. "Hm. You know, what if I tested it on myself? Wouldn't that be neat, having that kind of magic?"

"GEORGE!" To my shock, Jack was in front of me, and had grabbed my shoulders in an apparent effort to get me to listen to him. "Ignoring the obvious ethical issues with what we just did—don't be stupid! We have no idea what that kind of magic can do!"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," I said, pushing his hands off me. "You're right. That is a bad idea. Let's just try something simple." I looked to the counter again, and something caught my eye this time—a smooth, round rock about the size of the palm of my hand. "This should work. It's a rock, what can it possibly do?"

Jack sighed. "Okay. That's a little better. I'm going to stay behind the bulletproof glass, though."

"Yeah, I probably should too." I took the rock and stuck it into the hatch on the top of the machine. I pressed a few buttons on the front and the hatch sealed itself, after which the machine whirred to life. I jogged over to the bulletproof glass where Jack had already situated himself and sat down on the floor.

"How will we know when it's done?" Jack asked.

"Well, it'll make a sound. Either a 'BOOM', or a 'ding'. Hopefully the latter."

"How long's it gonna take?"

"I dunno. Unicorn hairs usually took like thirty seconds. Who knows how long this could be, though?"

It seemed to be progressing along fine, though the machine was growing noticeably louder. After a matter of mere seconds, the fans sounded like they were on full blast. "Is that bad?" Jack asked.

"Uh..." I said, trying to squint and read the screen. "Might be. I dunno."

"I think I should leave." But before Jack could get up, I grabbed him by the collar.

"Okay, now it's your turn to not be stupid. If that thing explodes the moment you step out from behind this glass, I'm not paying for your funeral."

"Okay, okay!" Jack sat back down. The machine's noise maintained its volume, but the parts inside were starting to give off a rattling sound, as if they were coming loose.

"No, no, no!" I pressed my face to the glass. "Not now, god damn it! Just, like, ten more seconds!"

Jack and I observed as the rattling gradually got worse and worse, but the machine seemed to stay together. Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. I squinted at the screen again.

TRANSFER
COMPLETE

"Whuh?" I said, dumbfounded. "It... It worked?"

I'd never seen Jack so wide-eyed in my life. "Did it?!"

I stepped out from behind the glass slowly and grabbed a clipboard off the counter to attempt to shield myself with. I stepped over to the machine, whose hatch had opened, returning the rock to us. I took a closer look at the rock, which had taken on a decidedly rainbow sheen to it.

"You can't be serious." I looked down to get a closer look at the rock. "Dear God, Jack. It worked."

Jack meekly stepped out, more slowly than I had taken any care to. He kneeled down next to me. "That's... That's crazy."

"Yeah, you think? Should we, uh... pick it up?"

"I don't think that's a great idea."

"Probably not." I lowered my hand over it. "Doesn't feel hot or anything, though. Wait, I've got an idea." I got up, opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of tongs. "These should work, right?"

"Are you sure moving it at all is a good idea?" Jack said. "Remember what you said about magic being explosive and stuff?"

"If it wasn't properly contained in the rock it wouldn't still be inside it. Besides, the screen said the transfer worked."

"Yeah, the screen on your machine! Which isn't even necessarily finished!"

"Oh, whoops, I'm already holding it." I'd already picked the rock up out of the machine with the tongs, much to Jack's exasperation.

"Oh, great. Sure. Don't listen to me." Jack got up and looked closer at the rock. "It's pretty-looking, at least."

"Right!" I said. "This is an important milestone. The machine works with Celestia's magic. If this works on living things, oh man, I'm gonna be a goddamned celebrity."

"That would be cool, I have to admit," said Jack. "Wait. Why is it shaking?"

To this very day, I still don't remember exactly how I answered Jack's question. Or, really, if I did at all. As far as I was concerned, one moment we were standing there perfectly fine, and the next, our lab was completely trashed while the both of us lay on the floor, our clothes tattered.

I was apparently the first one to wake up, as I sat up and noticed Jack still unconscious next to me. I looked around at the lab around us, which was now looking considerably worse for wear. Several objects around the room had been shattered to bits, my machine had one sizable hole through it, and the bulletproof glass was looking like it hadn't done its job very well.

I started to say something, but I was interrupted by one hell of a coughing fit. "Agh! Shit—" I looked over at Jack. "—Jack!" I reached over to him and shook him awake.

"...Huh...?" Jack gradually returned to the world of the living, to my immense relief. He went wide-eyed at my decidedly worse-for-wear appearance and sat up almost immediately. "Woah! What happened?!"

"Hell if I know." I looked at his ripped-up clothes. "What's with your clothes?"

He looked down at his own clothes, then to mine. "What's with yours?"

"Question of the century." I slowly got to my feet and looked around us a bit more. "Well, I somehow get the idea that my little experiment didn't work too well." My train of thought was again interrupted by another coughing fit, worse than the last.

"Are you okay?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I—" I could barely get those couple words out in the midst of me nearly coughing my lungs out. I let out one final, monumental cough, and something flew out of my mouth onto the floor.

"Agh!" I grabbed my throat. "What the hell was that?"

Jack went over and picked it up. He held it out towards me. It looked like a fragment of the rock, which had lost its colorful luster—aside from the blood on it. "I think the rock exploded."

"Oh, great." I looked down and examined my own body. "Yep, failed experiment. At least we're fine, I guess. You don't have any wounds or anything, right?"

Jack felt around his own body. "I don't think so."

"Great. Let's clean things up before Tetesac gets back. As best we can, at least." Just as I said that, however, my hopes were dashed by a knock at the door.