Echo started crying loudly until she got picked up from the pavement by a pair of hooves. She didn’t like the pavement and that was why she always cried when they put her there, she liked it when they put her on the couch or on the bed because the bed was comfy and it had sheets and those were soft and she liked rubbing her face on the sheets because it felt nice. She felt a hoof caressing her back so she stopped crying since she knew it was mommy’s, because she was the only one that picked her up from the floor. Mommy never wanted her to cry so she stopped and let mommy stroke her and she nuzzled her mommy’s chest because she knew that always made her giggle, so when it did she was sure it was mommy and she nuzzled her even more.
Mommy asked her who her little blueberry was and Echo said that she was and she tried to hug her because she knew that meant something good, because she had tried berries once and they were good and sweet and mommy said she was the sweetest little filly so she knew she was like berries and that was good. She liked when she called her blueberry because daddy never called her like that and she called her some other words she didn’t understand and mommy always yelled at him when he did but sometimes she didn’t and she just didn’t say anything and when that happened she could smell that daddy smelled bad, but that didn’t happen so much and right now she was hugging mommy as hard as she could because she had called her blueberry.
Mommy once said that her colour was blue but she didn’t know what colours were, so mommy told her that colours were special things that ponies saw when they went around,but she couldn’t see them because her eyes were bad and she could only see black. Echo had asked her how many colours there were and mommy had started telling her many names, but that didn’t mean anything to her, so she tried to explain the colours and Echo was really happy because she knew that red was the colour of apples and she loved eating apples because they were very good and they were her favourite except for berries but she never had berries so apples were her favourite. Mommy told her about yellow and that was the colour of the sun and she liked yellow because she told her it was the sun that always made the sheets warm in the afternoon when she was resting and she liked it a lot so yellow was a good colour too.
Mommy tried explaining her more colours, like green! That was the colour of the trees, but she didn’t know what a tree was so mommy had brought her a leaf one day and she told her it was green and Echo liked it a lot because it was smooth and when mommy had left it on the sheets where it was warm it got warm too, even though it didn’t taste so good. The sky was blue and she was too but she didn’t understand blue because she was too young to fly and mommy told her she’d teach her when she was older but right now she didn’t really like blue. The only colour she really really liked above everything else and even red was black because it was the only one she could actually feel.
Black smelled of mornings in the bed, of her favourite mornings with mommy and even the bad ones with daddy, of when she had tried berries and even when she had tried eating dirt once and it was bad because it made her belly very achy and they had to take her somewhere where there were a lot of voices around her and they made her puke everything and that was bad and she didn’t like that place but then she was better and they went back home, that mommy had told her was where she mommy and daddy lived. Black was everything around her and she loved it and hated it because the other ponies could see the other colours and she was jealous because seeing colours seemed very nice and she could only see black but she was happy with it because mommy told her she didn’t need to see all the colours, as long as she could remember the things that were like that colour and that made her happy again.
Mommy always picked her up from the floor where daddy used to put her and she always giving Echo kisses on the nose and hugging her and laughing with her and she liked mommy because she made her happy and Mommy liked her because she was her little berry. She loved her mommy and daddy even though daddy always put her on the floor and never talked to her and he didn’t call her berry and never gave her hugs. Mommy put her down on her bed and it was her favourite spot because it was warm there and she liked warm spots because they were yellow and the sun was there.
She stayed there on the bed and relaxed in the warm yellow and slept a bit and she didn’t know how much but the spot wasn’t warm anymore and there were voices coming from the kitchen and she could hear mommy and daddy, so she got up and tried walking to them, but she fell from the bed and started crying and mommy came back to her and picked her up and she stopped crying even if her leg hurt, because mommy was good to her and she made her feel better and she didn’t want to cry anymore because that made mommy sad. Mommy brought her to the kitchen and she knew it was the kitchen because she could smell cooking smell, but daddy was still talking and saying long words she didn’t understand while mommy put her on her seat and she was happy because she could smell apples that were her favourite.
Echo said hi to daddy after he had stopped talking and he didn’t say anything and she thought that he must have not heard her so she said hi daddy again a bit louder and he told her to shut up and mommy said was daddy’s way to tell her to stay quiet so she stayed quiet and she smiled because they were all there eating together and daddy would talk about his day with mommy and she’d get to eat some apples that were her favourite. She ate the red apples and everything was nice and her tummy was very full, because apples always made her full because they were red, but daddy was still smelling bad and was moving every now and then very quickly and he was talking very fast and mommy was very quiet and she tried to talk to her but she didn’t answer.
When she was full she tried calling for mommy because she wanted to go to sleep under the blankets because they were warm and smooth but mommy wasn’t going to pick her up so she called her again because daddy wasn’t talking and she could hear that mommy was crying. She didn’t like when mommy cried because mommy made her happy so she tried to get up on the table to go hug her but she couldn’t so she stayed still and called her and told her she was the best mommy in the world and to stop crying.
Mommy moved and got her up and she hugged her and mommy hugged her back but she was still crying so she tried to kiss her cheek and her cheek was very wet, but mommy still stroke her mane as she nestled in her arm so she felt good and smiled. Mommy opened the door and she was getting really sleepy, so when she put her in her bed and tucked her in, she yawned and closed her eyes and she nuzzled her pillow because it was so soft and she heard mommy said goodnight and felt her kiss her head. She fell asleep but then she woke up again because daddy was talking loudly again and she almost wanted to cry again because she was sleepy and daddy always talked loudly when mommy put her to sleep but then mommy and daddy both went quiet and she sucked on her hoof because it tasted like mommy and fell asleep.
***
“We can’t do it anymore, Sunflower. We can’t afford to keep that kid, I keep telling you that. We need to take measures. I can't stress it enough but you keep telling me ‘No, no that's my kid, you can't do that and blah blah blah!’ ” Whirly said slowly, emphasizing the end of his sentence by hitting the table with his hoof, as alcohol and cocaine rushed through his bloodstream. The plates and glasses clinked, and one of them fell down with a high-pitched crash.
Sunflower stared at her husband. He was right, they couldn’t do that anymore. It was time for a change. She put her hooves on the table to raise herself to his eye level and stared at him, gathering all the hate she had suppressed in the last months in one single speech. “I’m tired of listening to your shit, Whirly!” She clenched her teeth and hissed at him, filling every word with venom, not wanting to wake up Echo. “We can’t afford to keep our daughter because you keep getting drunk off your ass every night since you’ve lost your goddamn job. I’m the only one that can keep this house running as you sit on a stool yelling at ponies! I’m the one that cares for Echo and the only thing you do... the only goddamn thing you do is drinking the money my father keeps giving me because he know you’re a no-good bas—”
Whirly slapped his wife and sent her tumbling down the floor, hitting her head. “Never. Ever insult me, you broad. You have no right to tell me what I should do with my money and that... handicapped thing.” He lowered himself down to her and lifted her chin to his with his hoof. “Which by the way is your fault. You’ve got messed up genes or something and gave me a pegasus that will never fly unassisted. You gave me a useless kid.” He slapped her again. “Oh hey Whirly, how’s your daughter? Oh she’s fine, just a fucking!” He kicked her in the guts. “Bag!" He kicked her again. "Of potatoes!”
She held her stomach with hooves and looked down in pain but quickly went back staring at him angrily, while all her fury grew steadily. He was bigger than her and could keep beating her up until she couldn’t get up anymore... it wouldn’t be the first time.
“It would have been better if you had delivered a dead foal.” He sneered and got up again, reaching for the bottle on the table.
Oh no you didn’t. You fucking didn’t.
Sunflower roared and tackled her husband, head-butting him as he fell on the floor face first. The bottle rolled over from his hoof to the floor, shattering. From the other room, Echo started crying.
Whirly tried to move out of the mare’s grip but she was above him, blocking his wings and keeping his arms still. He thrashed from left to right, flailing his legs aimlessly.
“Hurt me any time you want you sick bastard, but don’t you dare... don’t you dare to say shit about my daughter anymore!” She hissed again. She bit his ear as hard as she could, trying to rip it off as he screamed in pain. Echo’s cries were louder now, ever higher than her father’s. In a small corner of her mind, Sunflower recognized that Echo was scared, but pushed that small rational part of her aside for the moment. She'd deal with that later.
Whirly smashed her wife off his back onto the kitchen counter, trying to find the broken bottle with his hoof.
“You...” he said panting, running a hoof on his ear. “You’re going down with her. I should have done this when she was born, so you wouldn’t get attached to that little crying bastard too much.” He got up, turning his back to her, looking for the bottle but without any luck. He found a large chunk of glass instead, soaked with liquor. “See? It’s always your fault. If you had delivered a strong foal, none of this would have happened. You really brought all this on yourself, Sunflower...” He chuckled... just before a jagged glass bottle neck stabbed his back.
Sunflower slipped on the alcohol-soaked floor. Whirly had enough time to turn around and face her... but not enough to dodge the slash aimed at his belly. And the next one. And the next one.
And the next one.
As the mare kept hitting his chest with the half broken glass bottleneck, the last thing he saw was a blinding complexion of fury right in front of his face, so close he could actually kiss her... like they used to do just six months before. Before everything had started falling apart.
She stopped after a couple of minutes. Sunflower got up and groaned with pain. She looked at her chest and saw the long blade of glass sticking out of it, inches away from her heart. “Huh.” She chuckled slightly and pulled it out, squeezing her eyes and flinching at the sight of blood coming out of her body, suddenly realizing what had happened.
She looked at the body.
She looked at her hooves.
There’s no time for panicking, you idiot. Get the kid and go to the hospital.
But... Whirly...
You’re going to die if you don’t, sweetie pie. Do you want Echo to die of starvation? Get there and fly to the hospital.
Whirly...
Or maybe she’s gonna die of dehydration... That surely takes less.
Whirly I’m sorry...
Sunflower walked past the body of her now ex-husband and slowly opened the door of Echo’s room.
***
Echo was scared. Really really scared. She kept crying but no one was going to pick her up and give her a hug and tell her everything was okay and she was scared and she wanted her mommy and she heard someone scream and a loud crash of something like a plate falling down and she started rocking back and forth. She wanted her mommy. She wanted her mommy. She wanted her mommy. She wanted her mommy. Daddy and mommy had been screaming and her bed had moved a bit when something fell down on the floor and she didn’t know what was happening. She stood still. Everything went quiet, then mommy started crying. Echo called for her but she didn’t answer.
She stayed quiet again because maybe it was a game and if she stayed quiet then mommy would come and she’d pick her up. She waited and then heard the door open slowly.
Mommy!
She got up and tried to flap her wings to get to her but that didn’t work and she was sad because her wings were small and she couldn’t fly to mommy but she got picked up again and mommy was crying really hard but she didn’t know why and even when she kissed her cheek it didn’t go away so she started crying too because she was scared because mommy never cried that muchand when she was with her and she smelled weird but mommy said they'd be going out for a field trip so Echo stopped crying and smiled because they were going out. She never got out and she liked it because in the night there were many sounds and there were trees in the forest and mommy was there finally and they were green and she liked green because it was smooth and it was warm in the day so she hugged mommy and she hugged her back and it was a bit too tight but it was good because she liked it when she got hugged by mommy.
They went together outside and mommy was flying and she was very happy because she was listening to all the sounds of the night and the wind and even if it was cold she didn’t feel it much because mommy was hugging her really hard and she kept her warm. There was cold stuff falling down on her and she asked mommy what it was and mommy said it was snow and she asked her what snow was and she said snow was white and cold and fell down from the clouds and made everything white and it looked like flour and you could play with it and Echo loved the snow because she loved playing and even if it was cold there was mommy that kept her warm and she asked her if she could go play in the snow but she said no and she was sad but she said she could have played with the snow soon, so she was very happy.
Mommy moved her head away from above her quickly to look away and she knew that she was doing that because every time she did it the snowflakes fell on her nose and she had to rub it away because it was very cold so Echo asked mommy why but mommy didn’t say anything and just rubbed her nose for her and she smiled because she liked when mommy touched her nose because she was warm and she smelled nice, not like daddy. She really liked her hair because it always smelled super nice and she used to nibble on it and mommy would laugh and tell her hair wasn’t a thing to eat but it smelled nice so she did it anyway but then when she told her to stop she would stop and smile at her and ask her why her mane smelled so nice if it wasn’t made for eating and then mommy would laugh again and hug her just like she was doing now but a bit less tight.
She tried her best to make mommy happy doing funny faces and booping her nose because that was the thing that always made her smile even when she was sad but that didn’t work so she got worried again and hugged mommy close and told her not to be sad because that made her sad and they shouldn’t be sad because mommy was the best mommy ever and she was her little blueberry and they should go play in the snow and laugh and have fun with daddy even though he never laughed.
When she asked mommy where daddy was mommy put her down on the ground and Echo started crying because the ground was cold and she wanted mommy because mommy was warm but then she felt mommy get down on her knees and kiss her cheek and tell her everything would be alright and that it would be all over soon but she had to rest a moment because she was tired and gave Echo her scarf and said not to move from there and play with the snow and she kissed her again on the other cheek then on the forehead and she booped her nose, so she stayed there and she wrapped mommy’s scarf around her and it covered most of her. Her head was sticking out but the scarf smelled like mommy and it was good so she stayed there and try not to eat mommy’s scarf even though it smelled good and she started playing in the snow and there was enough she could play with, even though mommy said not to move from where she was and good ponies always listen to their mommies.
She tried licking the snow because mommy said it was white and flour was white and she liked it because mommy made bread with flour and bread smelled super nice and was very good in her tummy so it must have been good too, but it was really really cold and it hurt her tongue so she cried a bit but mommy didn’t pick her up and snow was bad because it hurt her and it wasn’t like flour and she called for mommy but she didn’t answer and she tried to cover herself up with the scarf because it was getting really cold so she walked against her mommy following her breathing and hid under her wing, all wrapped herself up in the scarf and she didn’t feel cold because mommy was with her and they were sleeping together.
Echo heard the alarm clock ring and opened her eyes. She had dreamed that again. It was the third time this month. She wiped her eyes with a hoof and tried to relax.
Even though it had happened in her foalhood that dream was always hunting her, as if her mind wanted her to keep remembering. Through the years that memory had become crystal clear, but she only wanted to forget that ever happened, forget about her father, forget about everything about that night.
But with that... wouldn’t she lose mommy? Her mother. Mother.
Mommy.
There was an icky smell from mommy’s chest and it was wet but it was warm so it was okay and she tried licking it but it tasted like coins and mommy told her never to put coins in her mouth so she stopped. Mommy had woke up quickly after she had licked her and was shivering a lot and holding her close and they were moving and she nestled in her hooves and mommy was clattering her teeth and Echo thought they were flying back home but she was flying very slowly and one time she fell down in the snow and she started crying because the snow was bad and it made her really cold. Now she was very very cold because it took mommy a bit to pick her up again and she thought it was like when she swooped her up from the pavement in the kitchen so she giggled even though she had still some snow in her mane.
Mommy was panting really hard and the warm stuff was coming out from her chest a lot and it was getting kind of sticky when it got on her and Echo tried to scratch it off but they still kept flying and she asked mommy if they were going home because it was cold and she wanted to get under the sheets with mommy, even if when she was under her wing she was still warm, but she said they were going to the hospital. Echo didn’t know what the hospital was but she hoped there were comfy beds there too because she was really tired so she asked mommy but mommy didn’t say anything and flew a bit faster so she stayed quiet like a good little pony should.
They fell down a couple more times and it always took more time for mommy to get her up even though she was calling for her and she couldn’t feel her hooves already and she was scared and was crying really loudly but then they got in a warm place where she heard many people and Mommy was screaming and she didn’t like screaming so she covered her ears and mommy fell down again and she didn’t pick her up but one other pony did and it wasn’t mommy and she cried because she wanted her mommy and that pony didn’t smell like mommy and then they gave her something that was sweet like berries and she started eating it and stopped crying because she got berries just once and when she did mommy had told her she was a very very good pony and good ponies don’t cry and she felt sleepy as they put her in a bed that was very soft and warm and she finished her candy and fell asleep thinking of mommy.
She didn’t remember anything of her mother except for those memories. The same she wanted to forget but at the same time couldn’t because they were the only thing that was left of her mother, even though they were like a candy sugar coated with venom...
Night. A time when it was too dark to see, the other ponies had told her. She smiled sadly at the thought. It didn’t make any difference. Whatever they called it, to her the world was always dark, black. Other ponies used to sleep during that part of the day, but she liked to take strolls and fly at that time. During the night she couldn’t hear anybody pity her, no foals asking their mothers
Mommies
why her eyes were white, no one to bump into. She felt free and careless while the gentle breeze sang in her ears and all around her.
All around her there was only void, just like her eyes. She would never see the brightness of the moon, or know what the word “bright” could mean, swimming in an endless sea of nothingness to which she had grown accustomed... The world to her was nothing but the darkness shrouding her eyes.
She knew everyone else thought she was losing much, but only because they didn’t know what seeing without their eyes meant. She had a whole tactile universe waiting to be unravelled, an infinite amount of sounds she still hadn’t heard, flavours she would one day try, enjoying every second of freedom from her “cage” of nothingness.Those who took pity in her took sensations for granted, but in reality she thought she was luckier than anyone else. Those who had the burden of sight were, for her, the ones to pity.
Ponies based their entire lives on seeing and always craved more. Their senses were overexcited, always stimulated. They lived in an ocean of visual images, completely submerged, overwhelmed, addicted to their own natural drug and always needing a larger dose, a variation of the basic formula. They travelled to see new places and new views, to admire new landscapes.
Why did they do that? To her, the quiet murmur of the crickets in the long summer nights was more pleasant than any symphony. The feeling of cold water roll over her sweating body, making her shiver for a second and then washing away all her fatigue, was the purest sensation of bliss. She was the only one who could experience the true taste of meals, even the simplest ones. It made her laugh how those who saw always searched for new exotic places, trying to find pleasure in change... and she was the one they called impaired! The sheer idiocy of those ponies made her laugh, as they ordered foreign plates filled to the brim with strange spices. To her they were simply hedonists, seekers of new sensations, dulled by their state of constant fulfilment. She couldn’t understand them.
She followed the trail from her bed to the front door. She could feel where she was going because the cloud’s texture was grainy under her hooves,
Grainy: from the bedroom to the front door; curved: kitchen; striped: bathroom; everywhere else, smooth
an ingenious idea the home designer had suggested her years before. She stopped in front of the door and opened it, letting the warm summer air caress her face. Midnight. No one bothering or even caring about her. Just she and night, completely alone and free. She stretched her wings and took off in the direction of the park.
Flying. Peacefulness at last. She found an ascending current and let herself float in nothing, not feeling anything under her, not attached to the ground. That was her Nirvana, pure nothingness, just the wind guiding and supporting her on its great motherly currents. Where was she? She was alone and happy, unheeded, she was an atom in the cosmos, a crazy fragment dancing with the world, itself just a bigger grain of sand in the universe.
What was reality if not what she knew and felt? She was nothing but a speck of dust, endlessly whirling with the earth, lulled swiftly by the currents. She was a bird, a leaf, a snowflake. She was nothing as the void sang its silent song with her, telling her of pleasures unknown, feelings unfelt and melodies unheard, rocking with her to the same gentle beat of the wind.
Slowly, she let go of the current’s loving grasp and landed on the ground, chained but free, her wings capable of releasing her from the torment of being bound to the earth whenever she wanted. She stopped and listened to an owl sing its song of eternal rest in the distance, feeling the still warmth of the night on her coat, as the grass under her hooves bowed to her, mistress of the night. She inhaled.
Oh magnificent pleasure! Oh faint sensation of the soul, sweet scent of roses, unpicked fruits and blossoming flowers! She smiled and her eyes watered. Every atom that composed that nature, every molecule of air that brought the scent from its source to her nostrils was a hymn to joy, a hymn to life, beauty incarnate! Show me your twilight, dying star, blind star, so I shall bask at your last gleaming. I’ll feel nothing and everything at the same time, for I am the non-seeker, the All-in-one, the true unwilling hedonist.
I shall climb mountains and savour the ice that never melts, I shall drink the lymph of the young, rippling leaves, I shall hear the roar and the whimper, but I will never bask in your light, oh passionate aster of the dawn. I shall never gaze at you, beautiful jewel of the night. I shall look into the nothingness, silent, as it slowly speaks me words of wisdom no one will ever understand. I shall taunt you, seer of the light, by not revealing then... and even if I could, why should I? You already know them, but refuse to understand them. You have gorged your eyes with great maggot-feast of the sight, weakening your body and mind.
Close your eyes if you want to see the truth and hear what you’re too busy to listen! Stop and feel what your eyes have shut before you, if you dare. You’ll find a new universe to make up for what you’ve lost, more valuable than the one you’ve bartered.
Echo rolled in the grass, moving her hooves in the air. She didn’t hate the ground, how could she? It had a rich smell that the air couldn’t possibly have had, it had trees, it had flowers. If being bound to the earth was the only price she had to pay in order to feel that sensation, she did it with a smile on her lips.
She felt a butterfly lay on her nose and stopped moving her hooves, to keep it from flying away. She crossed her blind eyes, looking and at the same time not looking.
“I bet you look beautiful...” She whispered to herself. The small insect tiptoed on her nose and took off quickly, scared by her voice. It was time to go. The butterfly was a sign, it was getting late.
Echo flew upwards again and followed the trail backwards to get to her home again. She was tired, but happy. As she entered her front door and followed with her hooves the line that led to her bedroom, she was still smiling. She had to wake up before noon to try some new stunts Spitfire had told her about and she could feel by the air’s warmth that it couldn’t have been more than one hour past midnight. Plenty of time to get there after breakfast.
She lay on the bed on her side, feeling the softness of the pillow on her cheek, covering her eyes with a second shroud of darkness that left her vision unaltered. Those midnight escapings always made her feel better after that dream came to her, after she lost herself into the world around her.
***
An aquamarine pegasus was peacefully sleeping in her bed, her white hair gleaming in the pale moonlight coming from the window. She looked like a pony just like any other, with her eyes closed and half of her face pressed into the pillow, but there was one detail that a keen eye wouldn’t have missed... a soft smile lighting up her face.
