The deep, booming bass and the flashy neon lights of Ponyville’s most popular nightclub had drawn you in.
Now, however, they were giving you a dull headache.
“Hey! How’s everpony doing tonight?” a raspy, female voice called out to the crowd. You managed to push your headache aside and focus on the source of the voice. A unicorn mare with a white coat, a striped blue mane and awesome-looking purple sunglasses. She seemed to be the club’s DJ for tonight. You’re fairly certain you’ve seen her before, maybe on TV or in a magazine? DJ PON-3, or something like that?
Your focus is shattered by the more-than-slightly drunken crowd roaring an affirmative response to the DJ’s question. Your headache immediately returns, twice as bad as it was. You stumble towards the fire exit and barge through, out into a backalley. The fresh, cool night air goes a long way to curing your headache.
After a while, you prepare to re-enter the club and brace yourself for the booming, headache-inducing noise once more. You head inside to find the room under a haze of smoke, Oh, great, the druggies had raided the place. You turn to exit, but bump into a stallion who’s pretty clearly out of his mind on some kind of hallucinogen.
You quickly head back inside the club. The crowd’s growing rowdiness is putting you on edge. Predictably enough, 2 nightclub patrons start throwing punches at each other, and pretty quickly the whole club has turned into a brawling room.
DJ PON-3 hops down from her turntable, and walks over to you. “I hate this part,” she mutters.
“Huh?” is the best reply you can come up with.
“Someone always ends up starting a fight. Every single night,” she explains. “Hey. You don’t look like the other brain-dead morons swarming all over this place. Wanna get out of here?”
“Aren’t you the DJ? Won’t they need you to play the next song?” you ask.
DJ PON-3 gestures a hoof to the crowd. The dance floor has devolved into a pure everyone-for-themselves brawl. “I don’t think these guys give a shit about the music anymore,” she laughs.
“Okay, let’s go, I guess,” you say.
You leave through the fire exit together. “Oh, yeah, my name’s Vinyl. But you might know me as DJ PON-3,” she says. “That’s my stage name.”
You tell her your own name in response.
She pushes her sunglasses up and rests them on her horn, revealing her bright red eyes.
“Hey, do you have anywhere to go tonight?” she asks. “If not, you can come back to my place.”
Did she just ask you out on a date? “Uh, sure,” you reply.
“Cool.”
You reach her house and she opens the door. The inside is just how you expected it to be – the floor is littered with all kinds of music magazines and junk. There’s a set of instruments and a big turntable in the corner of the room.
You see a fat stallion sitting on the couch. He looks absolutely disgusting - he has fat folds over his body, each one dripping sweat. His mane looks greasy and unkempt, as does his fur. He also seems to be emitting a disgusting smell - sweat mixed with something else.
"Hey Dad," Vinyl addresses the stallion. He mutters something in response, not taking his eyes off the TV. You find it amazing that such an ugly father could have such a beautiful daughter.
Vinyl leads you into her bedroom.
"Hey, I'll be back in a sec. Wait right here." she says as she leaves the room. You hear the shower turn on.
While she's showering, you decide to have a quick look around her bedroom. Looking in one of the drawers yields an interesting find... a long, dark green dildo. You stare at it for a moment. You look back at the door. Vinyl isn't back yet...
You gingerly place the dildo at the entrance to your anus. It feels wei-
Suddenly, the door swings open.
"Hey," says Vinyl.
You yelp and jump back in shock... causing you to sit right on top of the dildo.
"AAAAAUGH!" you scream.
"Whats' wrong?" Vinyl asks, her ruby eyes filled with concern.
"NOTHING!" you scream. "HEY, I JUST NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET FIRST. I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND" you continue to scream before waddling out of the room, leaving Vinyl looking confused and creeped out.
You enter the bathroom and lock the door. You can feel the dildo stuck firmly inside you.
oh god oh fuck oh god no
You try to grab the small part of the dildo that hasn't gone inside you and slide it out. Sadly, you do not have the sufficient dexterity and you accidentally push the dildo in further. You hear a hideous "SHLORP" sound as it disappears into your ass.
"AAAAAAUGGGGGGH!" you scream again.
You panic. What should you do? Tell Vinyl you accidentally sat on her dildo and now it's stuck inside you and you have to go to hospital?
Your frantic worrying leads you to one conclusion: you will simply have to continue your date with Vinyl and attempt to ignore the dildo.
You waddle back into Vinyl's room, where she's laying on the bed.
"HeeeeeeEEEEEeey" you say, cringing due to the discomfort.
"Uh, hey. So... are we gonna do this?" Vinyl asks.
"Yep. Yes we aAAAAarre..." you say, shakily.
"Uh, what's wrong with your voice? Why do you keep cringing and acting weird in the middle of sentences?" Vinyl asks.
"I don't," you assure her, forcing your voice not to change pitch. "Come on, let's get it on."
You mount Vinyl and line your penis up with her vagina. So far so good. You thrust in. This isn't actually going too badly, considering you have a 12 inch piece of plastic lodged firmly inside you that will definitely require medical attention to move.
Then, disaster strikes once more. Vinyl begins to buck her hips back and forth to match the rhythm set by your thrusting. The force of her hips causes the dildo to shift slightly. You yelp in pain. She does it again, and you feel the dildo shift again, but this time you hear a click from it. You begin shaking wildly. The vibrate setting has been turned on.
"NooooOooOOOoOOooOOo" you cry as your insides shake.
"Uh, what the fuck?" asks Vinyl. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
You fall to the floor, shaking. This is going to require a convincing explanation.
"UhhHHHhh I have epilepsyyyYYYY" you stutter.
Vinyl's horn glows and you feel the dildo being telekinetically removed from your rectum.
"How did this get in there?" Vinyl asks, looking pissed off.
"Uh, I dunno. Must be one of those freaky urban things... like slenderman and stuff like that," you say.
"Were you trying to use this dildo?" she asks.
"...Yes." you reply, ashamed.
"And you got it stuck?" she continues.
"..yes" you confirm.
She bursts out laughing.
"Hahaha! This is the funniest shit ever!" she says through the laughter.
"Aren't you mad I, uh, used your dildo though?" you ask.
"Nah, it's not mine. It's my dad's," Vinyl replies.
You spend the next 2 hours vomiting and obsessively washing yourself in the shower.
