Memoirs of an idiotic Necromancer

by CidKitty123

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Profanity, Gore, Violence, Death, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Horror
Length: 1641

First thing you think about is romance when you get sent to Equestria, first thing i want is Necromancy!

When morons mix with necromancy things can only get worse. Too bad Mr literal-and-right-now had to kill me or things would have been a hell of a lot easier

Published 2022-05-18 03:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-05 22:47:38 UTC

Well... That happened

“Okay so… ingredients. What is it again? Plasma from gods long dead, got it. Whatever et et cetera… Ground unicorn horn. Got it! Check! Check! Check for everything else too!”

I bounced in place, trying to avoid the delicate instruments on the table and avoid another accident. It was not fun at all cleaning that up an hour ago. But anyway. Time to try again to raise my companion. “Hundredth time’s the charm.”

Not just any companion but a smart obedient little ram headed pony. My Little Grogar. After taking the time to scavenge for parts after my latest endeavor failed so... Explosively. I made steps to not be impaled so easily, such as hydra everything, and yes ladies i mean everything -wink-. i needed to be careful. I wasn't immortal... Yet... and dying would put a damper on my plans of enjoying this new world to the fullest. But after this it was definitely in the stars. I snicker to myself. With so many ideas of what was to happen in this world i wouldn't miss it... Right? I jiggle the handle of my latest machine idly (a thaumic ressanation device, having no earthly idea what it did i had to have it) as i read on. The "evil" tomb practically oozing coldness you could feel even in these frozen wastes. But did i care? Not the slightest. I found early on that evil was just a title these ponies labeled things they had no use of or didn't like.

Like my "Evil" bread toasting knife or my "Evil" organ harvesting robot, even if it didn't always "ask" first it was still a bright invention in my opinion. "So if what i'm getting at is true i need fresher hydra blood for this experiment," i was not looking forward to tussling with those cheating regenerating sons of whores again.

"I hope i have at least one vile left..." i shook my backpack upside down on the table getting a few vials of blisterwort powder and ground up hemlocks seed in my soon to be companions empty chest cavity before like a rainbow shewn oil splot it fell out right into his eye socket. "Just what i needed! Thank you Grogar!" i poured it down his gullet made mostly of hydra leather and some... Fresher parts of unfortunate ponies i had grave robbed in my free time.

Now came the boring part. Chanting for almost an hour while zapping the body with a significant amount of electricity from the generators i set up to raise my most powerful dead and spending upon the wells of magic i had "borrowed" from others as well as what little i had accumulated myself. I cleaned up my lab area and grabbed a snack consisting of a single crystal apple that had seen better days... What? You remember to go shopping while wanted by the law for violating natures order and raising the dead as well as a potion to increase my mana pools. I steared of in eager anticipation as i ran all my last minute calculations. "This is going to be so good..." i smiled and grabbed my worn notebook and turned on the machines as i started to chant, some crystal apple still running down my beard as i got really into it. Power seemingly being sucked out of the air my jade ring focusing it on my latest creation i closed my eyes as the void around his body grew deeper.

BOOOOM! CRACK! Snap... Crackle... Crunch... I fought not to be sick as the first part of the spell revitalized joints and weakened bones. I flowed into the second half of the spell to steal life from the surrounding air and earth and torches and anything that would give up its tiny insignificant life for my creation. I felt myself start to falter as the spell targeted me for the third part. A living soul. I braced and felt the cold hands of death with whom i have made this dance many times before and felt a snag on my very soul, nearly wretching as i felt a small part tear and pull into my latest creation. I shivered as i continued the chant for the fourth parth flipping the switch to push life starting juice into the body at insane amounts but just as i was about to grow weak, a shuddering gasp and a single strung out word, "M-m-master..."

I screamed out in joy the final of the last part of the chant in joy "live grogar so you may serve your master!" Then everything exploded. Hours rolled by as i dipped in and out of consciousness before pulling myself out from under a sizable rock and surveying my handywork. There upon the table... A cumulation of my latests work and effort. Was a black as night burn mark in the general shape of what i had been trying to revive. "FUCK!" All my hard work and i was sure it was working.

Well not revive really but close enough. I sighed punching myself in the head for yet another failure when after a second punch a dark magic aura wrapped firmly but gently around my hand stopping me from just straight up breaking my face. "Grogar??" i looked around and sure enough out of the shadows wrapped in only his own patchy black fur was my hard work.

"It is i master. What would you have of me?" i jumped and whooped for joy but i also had plans "Okay this is what i need you to do. Take this notebook and all my items." i placed my bag on him adjusting the straps as best i could. He was huge! And made like a brick house. I ran around preparing everything for my own immortality. "Now i need you to cut my head off. And when you revi-" last thing i heard was a big meaty THWACK then everything was upside down and sideways, Grogar eager to please had cut my head clean off... Can't fault the guy for work ethic, at least i felt no pain. Wait. How much hydra essence did i have left? Well. Shit.

Author's Note

OH my god so many words! -bats them around happily- What? Not enough words? I sowwie.... -cries in corner-
tell me what you think. This is my first story.

Chapter 2

I groggily opened my eyes waiting for some semblance of focus. Yawning I tried to stretch my arms and legs, shocked at feeling a hollow emptiness in my body.

"Sargent! I-I can't feel my legs!" Vaugley remembering what happened before I blacked out I giggled to myself as the world came into a sharp crisp focus.

I looked around as a slightly disturbed voice in a wizened old man's voice proclaimed:

"I'm sorry master but for now you have no legs..."

I looked in a vaguely upward direction to see that I was tied to a sattle bag strapped to a handsome looking goat, looking around I did indeed have no legs... or arms... or even a torso.

"So it seems... Exactly how long... Grogar, if I am to assume... How long have I been dead, before you finally realized my instructions were half delivered before you ever so rudely, Cut Off My head?!?!"

Grogar taps at the ground nervously before answering, "Approximately three hundred fifty seven years three months and six days... Master..."

I thought for a little while, as I was thrown into this world just a scant few years before the fall of discord I had missed a great many things. The rise of the sisters the battle against discord and well into the rise of Sombra. I started giggling like a mad lunatic.

"So are you saying not only did you cut my head off, wondering why I'm still a head by the way... but you failed to resurrect me in time to mess with the time line as I planned? How dose that even happen?!?!"

Grogar begins walking up towards the top of a snow capped mountain I just noticed was nearby and sighs. "Well master.. after I followed your command to sever your head from your body I was still unable to think throughly enough to realize my mistake, as such I waited for the next command for quite some time. Before I realized it weeks had gone by and it was all I could do to preserve your soon to be rotting head."

I looked him in the eyes as best I could smirking. "Let me tell you, the loss of such an image of manliness would have truly been a loss to Equis. What's up with the head thing anyway?"

I start to flex what little muscles I had in what was left of my neck and realize I could change position by tolling my head in a disturbing fashion.

"Well master... it seems as though some of the more... hard to obtain ingredients needed in your resurrection were lost in my haste to follow your first and only order. As such my quest to obtain and use such ingredients was lacking as I had no knowledge or experience in actually obtaining them."

I blinking dumbly exclaimed "I left notes on everything! How could you possibly have messed up so badly as to have to wait almost five hundred years to resurrect my corps?"

Grogar looking away and grunts embarrassed. "You did not instill in me the knowledge to read your native language..."

If I had arms I would have face palmed so hard it would have inverted my face...

"You are telling me I gave you all the knowledge in equipment to be able to use and learn and forgot to give you simple knowledge of my own homes alphabet?