Princess Celestia paced worriedly in her throne room. The echo of her shoes against the stone-tiled floor resounded through the vast room.
“Okay then,” she said to herself. “I’ve got a crazy, murdering psychopath in Manehattan that only wants destruction. So what should I do about it? Go myself? No, no, that would only give off the illusion that he’s powerful enough to need only me to get rid of him.” She paced for a little more, then grew a smile. “Of course! Twilight and her friends! They can help solve this mystery on their own!”
Then her face deteriorated to one of worry, and she put a hoof to her chin. “No, no, no. Of course not! She’s going to get herself killed over there! Besides, she’s an Element bearer and a princess! I should instead send the ponies that have the true resolve to take down a killer and not end up befriending him and confusing him."
Later in Manehattan
Dr. Brainstem looked down at the letter tied with a red ribbon. The entrance to the Maneway was loud and crowded, but the space around them was empty. “So, um, Celestia sent a note telling me that you’d be here, but I don’t think I counted on ponies like you.” His gaze lingered on a large, intimidating earth pony in a thick black bodysuit. Knives and blades were all over him, and his red eyes stood out from the rest of his appearance.
“That’s what they all say,” Firestorm said, rolling his eyes. “We didn't expect you of all ponies! Who are you people? Guaaah, I’m gonna die-”
“Storm!” Noble Blade punched him lightly on the shoulder with an armored hoof. “Act better than that. We've got a killer on the loose here.”
HOW
THE PONY OF VENGEANCE
SHOULD HAVE ENDED
“He’s a spectre of doom inside this city,” Client 24 was saying. “He sees all. Knows all. He’s probably listening to us right now.”
“You...did check the room for bugs beforehoof, right?” the Count asked nervously.
“Of course I did,” the Night Terror said flatly.
“So why’d you say he sees all and knows all?” Count Privilege shrewdly asked. “What do you possibly know about the Night Terror?”
“You see-” Client 24 said, then paused and looked into his lap. “Um-”
“Oh, my gosh,” Count Privilege whispered. “You’re the Night Terror, aren’t you?”
“What are you talking about?” Client 24 asked furiously. “No! What makes you think-”
Count Privilege pulled the door open and stuck his head into the grimy street corner bar. “You guys! The Night Terror’s in here! Let’s get him-”
A bang sounded forth, and the Count slumped onto his face, bleeding from his back.
“Dang it!” the Night Terror swore, and blew away the smoke coming out of his front hoof. “I shoulda been more careful!”
“Come on then!” Amadeus laughed, and spread his arms out wide. “Which of you is going to do it? Who will strike first and prove themselves to be a cold-blooded killer?”
Twilight strained against her magic, but ultimately couldn’t hold it back any more, and fired at Amadeus.
Amadeus the griffon was petrified by Twilight’s immobilization spell, and fell to the floor like a statue.
Several shots rang out from behind the girls, but impacted harmlessly against the pink bubble shield that had manifested around all of them.
“You’re coming with us, Amadeus,” Twilight snapped at him, levitating him with a pink aura. “The Manehattan newspapers will be pleased to hear about this.”
And with a flash of light, all of the girls, Spike, and Amadeus vanished.
When the flash was gone, it revealed the dark, spread-winged shape of the Night Terror, who had his head lowered in a battle position.
The griffons and ponies belonging to Amadeus’s entourage all backpedaled away, screaming cries of shock.
“Dang it!” he cursed again. “I was going to make a dramatic entrance in the bestest way possible! And then you had to go and mess it all up! Come on!”
He transformed his arm into a minigun and opened fire on the rest of the criminals in the spacious underground room.
“Aaaah!”
“Help us! We’re criminals!”
“Oh, my gosh! This is the worst day ever!”
“FIGHT ME, TWILIGHT! WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?”
Another hail of bullets tore apart the pillar behind which Twilight and Rarity were hiding even more. The steps of the Manehattan city hall were already slick with blood.
“SO FIGHT ME, TWILIGHT! FIGHT THE MACHINE!”
Twilight zipped out from behind the pillar and lanced a long arc of electricity out of her horn. It connected to Ironheart’s forehead, and his arms snapped to the sides.
“BLEAUGHAGAGABLEAGUGUGHBLAEAUIHLAGABGH!” Ironheart convulsed with electricity, his circuits overloading, and collapsed to the floor, shaking.
“Hey Ironheart!” Pinkie Pie sang from above him. She was holding a large, multi-tiered purple cake above her head. “I hope you don’t have a vendetta against cake!”
And she slammed it on Ironheart’s face, splattering the cake and blinding him with frosting.
“Pinkie!” Applejack protested, pulling her aside. “What was that for?”
“Ironheart hates cake,” Pinkie Pie patiently explained. “It’s like his Kryptonite!”
“How in the hay do you know that?” Applejack asked, as Ironheart continued to writhe on the floor.
“Applejack. I just do. Don’t question the Pinks.”
And sure enough, Ironheart wasn’t getting back up again to fight. The cake was indeed weakening him. It was indeed Kryptonite.
“Spike!” Twilight called her assistant. “Come with me. We’re giving this to Princess Celestia.”
And she vanished in a flash of light, taking Ironheart with her.
“So wait,” Count Privilege asked, still cradling his arm, pierced by a bladed feather. “Is that really it?”
“The living are not done with you yet,” came the large and overweight Police Commissioner, snapping hoofcuffs on him. “You still have crimes to answer for.”
“Aww, come on,” Count Privilege mourned.
BUT THIS IS HOW IT REALLY SHOULD HAVE ENDED
“Is the bomb even off?” Twilight asked heavily. She tried to stand upright, but very nearly collapsed. “Is it safe to handle?”
“I only cut off the power making the timer count down to its detonation,” Cadence made known to all. “It can still reactivate the countdown sequence, if we tried hard enough to make it so.”
Before any princess could make a reply to the analysis, a deafening boom sounded forth as a metal hand very suddenly shot itself out of the rubble and reached its fingers out. From behind the four princesses, something small and cylindrical flew out, intending on smacking into his palm.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Princess Luna said angrily, and ignited her horn. Her own aura was holding the small cylindrical sword hilt in the air. “Thy fight is over, Ironheart. Four princesses are with thee now.” She pointed her horn at the rubble. “Ready the spell, Twilight!”
Twilight, Celestia, and Cadence all ignited their horns and readied their transmutation spells.
“I know we were planning on changing his molecular structure into regular steel again when we reached Canterlot,” Luna said. “But these circumstances give us no choice!”
“Oh, poop,” he muttered from the mound of rubble.
“And so, we changed Ironheart back into normal steel instead of Infinisteel,” Twilight explained at the cafe table. “We sent Ironheart back to Canterlot to be rehabilitated, we dismantled all of his inventions to see how they worked, and we’ve made life easier for everypony in Equestria, and we saved the day--again.”
Cheers came from the other five ponies sitting at the cafe table, and at the end of the cheer there came a small “Yay.”
“We didn’t think it was possible, but we did it!” Rainbow Dash said, a hint of satisfaction in her voice. “It’s a good thing you managed to keep his lightsaber away from him. Otherwise, he may have committed suicide or something.”
“Don’t say that,” Twilight admonished her. “Ironheart would never commit suicide!”
“Well then, good job, guys,” Superman congratulated. “You managed to capture this Ironheart and rehabilitate him.”
“Or maybe you didn’t,” Batman growled at the other end of the table. “Maybe he’s faking it all. And he’s waiting to get back at you.”
“I don’t think so,” Pinkie Pie said, shrugging a hoof. In front of her was a tall pink dessert cake that was taller than there was room to animate. “Every time we do rehab lessons, I scare him with a piece of cake. I don’t know why, but he seems to not like them. They get in his armor or something.”
“You know what I would have done?” Batman asked the girls. “I would have hit him with a Batarang. You know why?”
“Don’t ask him why,” Superman whispered to the ponies sitting next to him.
“Um…” Fluttershy whispered. “Why-”
“BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!” he blasted out.
“Eep!” Fluttershy flew backwards into Rainbow Dash’s arms.
“Look at that,” Superman said. “You scared Fluttershy. That’s a criminal offense.”
“I’m not a villain. Because you can’t change villains,” Batman growled. “Once a villain, always a villain.”
“What about the time when Gotham City was all over yer behind b’cause they all thought ya had killed Harvey Dent?” Applejack pointed out.
“That’s different,” Batman hurriedly defended. “Because I was actually innocent. You either die a hero...or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
“So if Bright Mind died all those years ago, everything would have been better,” Superman said with a deadpan expression.
“Well, maybe,” Batman said. “He only made the world worse later on. If you kill a killer...the number of killers in the world stays the same.”
“Except if you kill more than one,” came a voice from outside the window. Deadpool was strolling by, accompanied by Light Yagami, the Red Hood, and the Punisher. “Superman got it right the first time. Always, always kill your enemies if they annoy you.”
“Oh, my gosh,” Superman groaned, holding a hand to his head. “Are you still going on about that?”
“Why would we give it up?” Deadpool wondered. “It’s been a running joke since 2013.” He tapped the window. “Hey, Pinkie.”
“Hiya, Deadpool!” she responded peppily.
“I’m going to introduce these guys to the antihero barbecue grill,” Deadpool said. “You wanna come when you’re done?”
“I wouldn’t miss it!”
When the collection of people disappeared, Superman cleared his throat. “Well then, how’s his inventions working out for you?”
“Nuclear power sure is great,” Twilight answered. “We can do things more efficiently than ever before!”
“There’s going to be nothing significant about us gaining nuclear power now, is there?” Rarity asked, sipping from a cup of tea.
“It might lead to a bunch of Fallout Equestria fanfics,” Batman said.
“As if there weren’t enough of those already,” Pinkie Pie groaned.
“What’s Fallout Equestria?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“You’re better off not knowing,” Pinkie Pie said. “A lot of bad things happen to all of us there.”
“How do you know what this Fallout Equestria is?” Fluttershy asked meekly.
Pinkie leaned her head close to Fluttershy’s. “BECAUSE I’M PINK-”
THE END
Author's Note
You people deserve this.
