Author's Note

This chapter has a self harm warning. If this triggers you please turn back now. If this affects you there are numbers for you to call to get help. Your life matters as do many others.

Bit For Your Brains?

I wish I didnt have to talk about today but I had to... Today was great until... shit hit the fucking fan. The morning was good considering I was still a filly... Twilight had to give me one of her shirts to wear as a dress. I chose it because it was a Wonderbolts shirt. Short sleeves and barely at my knees just big enough for me to put my wings through it comfortably. Twilight and I were walking through the halls next to each other. She even gave me a pair of her shoes that she didnt wear much. They were just some running shoes. Had to resize them a bit but she made them comfortable with some matching blue socks for the shirt and even had my mane braided. Twilight was wearing jeans and a tank top and some sandals. I grabbed Twilight's hand seeing guards at the side kinda snicker a bit. She glanced at me. "Dont look at them." She said. "Word spread fast about this... Luna told Celestia about your adventure and after we dropped you off I uh... told them that you had a bit of an accident while you were out and after we found you and dropped you at that shop I may have called them and told them about what happened..."

I huffed. "...You're kidding right?" I asked looking at her. She shook her head. "So Celestia must've gotten word from Luna who probably was talking too loud so a guard could hear and he told his friends and so on... I hope they know I still have authority over them..." I looked forward again only to glance back at her. "...I do have authority over them still... right?" She nodded.

"Yep... Just gotta remind them who you are sometimes but uh.... something that might be a problem... One being how you're going to get around... Cant have you drive because from what I saw you can barely even get into the drivers seat of your own car without needing a stack of books to see over the steering wheel." I blushed as she gave a bit of a laugh. "Heh... Sorry... just cant help but have a bit of fun with you... take it as a bit of payback for yelling at me the other day." Oh. Yeah... Yelled at her because I was tired and cranky and she wanted me to help Spike find his comic when I wanted to take a nap. I sighed.

"Guess I deserve that..." Moments later we went inside of her dining area where I see Spike sitting at the table with his head hung and wearing a white tank top and a pair of camo shorts. He sat there with AJ who was wearing a pair of my basketball shorts and a teeshirt. Pinkie was in the kitchen wearing her feety pajama's as she pulled a tray of sweet smelling blueberry muffins out of the oven.

I hopped onto the seat next to Applejack. She smiled at me. "There ya are Ry. Was hopin' youd find something to wear." She said. "I'd say raid Dash's drawers here but she doesnt keep her clothes here. Only pajamas or just what ever she wears during the day... good thing she washes her clothes right?" I nodded.

"Eeyup... Girl cant keep her clothes clean doing the weather and I doubt she wants to smell like sweat all day." I said. I looked to Twilight as she sat down between me and Spike. "Speaking of Dash when are we going to call her? Gonna need something other than a resized shirt to wear... I'd rather have some shorts than feel the breeze."

Twilight smiled. "I guess we could call her soon." She said. "Maybe after we eat? I'll start to get the call up here soon. Anyone got their phone?" I shook my head.

"Left mine in AJ's room... hope the guards didnt take it." Twilight looked to Applejack.

"You have yours?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nope. Mine's back in my room with Ryder's." She said.

Pinkie came over with a few plates with a couple muffins each on them. "Mines at home! Didnt think I'd need it here!" She said.

Twilight sighed pinching her nose. "...So... nobody here has their phones...." She said.

Pinkie, AJ and I all made noises of disagreement. "You took mine away..." Spike said. Twilight huffed.

"Great... Gotta do everything myself..." She took a muffin from the plate and took a bite out of it. "After we eat we're going to the study for my computer... video call is the next best thing!" I huffed grabbing my own muffin and eating it. Even had Pinkie get me some juice. Apple juice. It was nice.

After breakfast we all headed towards Twilight's study. I rode on Pinkie's back because she offered and to be honest I didnt wanna take it at first but I warmed up to it. I felt like a little filly. As we got to the door I jumped off and did a little loopdeeloop as I landed. Never been able to do one that tight before. Always tried but ultimately ended up hurting myself. Not bad but... I do hurt myself. Pinkie giggled a bit. "It's been a while since I gave someone a Pinkie back ride!" She said. "Good thing you're light enough for me to carry!"

I laughed a bit. "Thank you for giving me that ride!" I said fluttering my wings excitedly like Scootaloo does. "It's been so long since I had one! Makes me feel like a kid again!" I sighed as Applejack and Twilight stopped at the door. "...Last I remember getting one was with my dad... he did it only because my mom asked him to..." I kinda teared up a bit. Being a mare kinda threw me into some emotions... either that or its the normal me.

Applejack gave a little aw and picked me up hugging me. "Now now dont cry sugarcube... I see them tears..." She said. She kissed me on the cheek and rested my head on her shoulder. I sniffled and wiped my eyes away.

"...Sorry... I just... Just good memories here..."

Twilight smiled a bit and had her horn glow dousing me and Applejack in hearts. I immediately felt better while AJ just giggled a bit. "There... some calming magic for you general." She said. "C'mon. Longer we wait around the more harder it is to convince Dash." Yeah... Gotta get her early in the morning otherwise she's a brick wall and sometimes you have to take a sledge hammer made of bits or a promise... We walked into her study and I went straight for the computer chair. Guess I was feeling too much like a kid but I guess it was okay considering Twilight moved the chair to the side with her magic. Pinkie came over and just spun me around a bit as we waited for Twi to open up the video chat program. Something I didnt wanna do but one of the only ways... Stupid thing is we'd be forced to do this anyways with phones. Dash's phone is kinda broken and glitches out and distorts voice when playing just audio. We tried everything and she cant get it fixed because she was out of warranty. Too stubborn to buy a new one too. But for some reason video chat works with audio... unsure how it works but oh well. And Fluttershy? She doesnt like video chat apps. Thinks someone will call her anyways when they dont know who she is. Always has them disabled.

As Twilight started up the computer Pinkie rolled me over a bit to the side of the computer. I could see Twilight click a few things, type a thing or two... saw my screen name from when I was in the war... lost the computer somewhere... fire I think. Next thing you know she clicked on Dash's screen name... 'WB#1 Rainbow Dash' ...Ego... Twilight double clicked the name and it brought up a chat log... Few things I didnt wanna see but kinda made me a bit horny. Dash's chest and a nude sleeping Fluttershy. She quickly hit the video call button before the chat log disappeared and a buzzing sound was heard. I looked over at Twilight and saw her blushing as she looked nervously at Applejack who was grinning herself. Pinkie giggled a bit too. I saw the mares in a little box. I wasnt in it. Next thing you know the screen lights up and we see Dash in a tank top and her mane looking messy. She smiled. "Hey girls!" She said. "Little sleep over at Twilight's and I wasnt invited?" Twilight chuckled a bit.

"Yeah sorry Dash. Got a bit lonely but we have a favor to ask." Dash looked at the camera confused.

"Uh.... You sure you got a favor to ask me...? Are you sure it isnt Flutters?" She turned the camera and all I saw was Fluttershy sleeping on her back and her bare chest. Ooh I just wanted to shove my hand in my pants and go to town to that. Might ask Dash later for a few pics of Fluttershy... IF she's okay with that.

"Uh... N-no no its definitely from you! Just... turn the camera back to you before she wakes up and sees us..." Dash quickly turned the camera back to just herself blushing a bit.

"Well... what's up? Need me to help somepony move something when I get home? Somepony wanna spend a night with me because they miss me? AJ need someone to replace Ryder?"

Applejack gave a huff as Dash laughed... she even sparked something in me that wanted to scream. "Fat chance girl. You saw the ring! You're just jealous someone has me now!" She snapped. I gave a silent laugh. "But in all seriousness its a favor for Ryder mostly... He went for a hike in Everfree and ended up getting himself into poison joke and well..." I could see her eyes dip into the back of her head for a bit.

"What happened to him? Did he become a potted plan? End up losing control of his bladder? Bowels? Lose control of his wings like i did?" Nobody answered.

Twilight just hesitantly turned the computer towards me until I was the only one in frame. I crossed my arms and pouted. She gasped a bit before busting up laughing. Laughed so loudly and so hard she fell out of bed and even woke Fluttershy. I heard her scream a bit. I rolled my eyes. "Yeah yeah laugh it up Rainbow Sprinkle!" I said. She stopped laughing and I heard Fluttershy sobbing a bit lightly. "Yeah that's right I said it! Now you have 'ten seconds flat' to tell me we can raid your things for some clothes for me. Otherwise I tell them what that name of yours means!"

"F-fine! Just go get my clothes! Take what ever you want! Just leave my shit alone when you get in there!"

The mares next to me laughed a bit as Dash quickly ended the call and showed the chat log again. Pinkie grabbed my arm a bit. "Please! Tell us what that name was about! She had that look on her face like she was scared of something!" She said.

Applejack wiped a tear from her eye. "Yeah sugarcube c'mon!" She said. "Be quick about that! Before I piss myself!"

I smiled a bit and rolled my eyes. "Guess I can now that you mention pissing yourself..." I said. "Rainbow Sprinkle was a nickname she got from my aunt and uncle when she wet her bed too much when we were little. Had to wear diapers and even had bedwetting pads just in case. Even at sleep overs!"

Everyone started laughing hard. Twilight even doubled over and started coughing a bit. I had myself a laugh too until I wet myself... They only found out when I grabbed Pinkie's arm with one hand and the other on my crotch under the shirt dress. Before we headed out Pinkie helped me change after I started to cry a bit. Yeah that fucking plant hates me and made me incontinent with sleeping and laughing... either that or its just remnant from Twilight's magic. Dunno. We went out in my car. Twilight drove this time and AJ was in the front seat while I cuddled with Pinkie. Twilight glanced into the mirror. "All comfy back there?" She asked. I was kinda a bit sniffly from my accident still. I know it's happened before but I dont like this. Pinkie gave a nod giving a loud 'Mhm!' Twilight sighed a bit. "Well that's good. Could probably check in with Zecora and see how she's doing with the hunt for those ingredients and if she needs anything."

I whimpered a bit. "....I hope she gets everything soon..." I said. "...I just want to be me again...."

Pinkie held me close and shushed me. "Dont worry... you'll be fine...." She said. "Just listen to good ol' aunty Pinkie and she'll make it all better..." I cuddled up to Pinkie a bit more and hugged her tight.

Applejack huffed. "Didnt wanna pull this card but when you get turned back into a stallion why dont you just go to town with whoever you want." She said. "Gives ya something to look forward to so you'll stop cryin'."

I admit it did kinda make me feel better but she was the only one I wanted to do was her. When we got to Dash's place I had to get out with Princess Twilight who flew with me up to Dash's door. Twilight had a skeleton key to her friends houses just in case there was an emergency and nopony was at home. So if Dash or Applejack broke their legs and nobody was with them and they hurt themselves, say like they broke an arm- which Dash has done on more than one occasion- they could text Twilight, she'd give a guard a key and get them into an ambulance and to the hospital or her infirmary in the castle. When we got inside the living room I looked around. Been a while since I was here. Dash had her couch dead center of the room, end table on each side and a flat screen TV against the wall with a DVD player on a shelf below it. Her medals were... everywhere.... all over the walls. While we were up there Twilight looked to me as I gave a hefty sigh. "You doing okay Ry?" She asked. I shrugged. "....This about the joke cure taking so long or the ruined trip that you wanted to take?"

I took her hand as we started walking upstairs. "...Kinda both... " I said. "...I wanted to have a nice get away but it spiraled out of control and look at me... I might be thirty two but I've got the appearance of a fucking fourteen year old girl with bladder control problems... I dont like being like this... I'm afraid... if... if i'm stuck like this... Aj isnt gonna love me any more..."

"Dont worry. She will still love and care for you... When I heard there was an accident I was sure you broke your leg or got attacked by an animal or something. I wasnt expecting a half naked filly running towards me crying... This was a significant change from a tall stallion who loves picking fights with his cousin to a loud mouth brat who needs a bit of a spanking and a time out... She agreed to stay with you through thick and thin, trouble and peace.... If she were to break it off now I'd see something that I didnt wanna see... and thats someone who's high ranked and respected by princesses and ponies alike crying... I'd say stallion but..." She smiled a bit blushing. I sighed averting my gaze.

"...Lets just get Dash's clothes so you can have your shirt back..." I heard her huff before taking me to Dash's room. She helped me out of the shirt just leaving me a bit exposed. I sat on Dash's bed in my socks and diaper. Had to remove my shoes and pick out some items of clothing. I picked out a few pairs of shorts, a teeshirt and just because I had free reign to do so: Dash's favorite short jacket hoodie. Short sleeved jacket and it fit me well. Didnt have to resize it. It was a grey short hoodie, Jean shorts that were tight but kinda loose- Tight around the waist but loose going to the legs- and her wonderbolts teeshirt. Even took one of her hairties to tie up my mane. Twilight even got it in a cute style where it was kinda covering one of my eyes. When we went back outside I didnt realize how high up i was. I froze right on the step as she closed the door. I quickly latched onto her burying my face into her side.

"Oh no... Dont worry... You're alright I gotcha... You get scared?" I nodded. She sighed and knelt down hugging me. "...I was afraid of a relapse... Just hold on to me tight and I'll fly us down... sound good....?" I clutched her and whined a bit. She sighed. "Alright... this isnt good..." She picked me up. I screamed a little bit but she shushed me as we went back inside. Good LORD I was scared. Not as scared as the first time i freaked out over heights... I didnt faint this time but I did kinda break down and cry. Twilight held me close as I shuttered scared. "It's alright... you're okay... Want me to call AJ?" I nodded hesitantly. She pried me off sitting me on the couch where I just grabbed a pillow and hugged it tight as I kinda wet myself again. I watched as she took her phone out of her pocket and walked over to the kitchen. She messed with her phone for a bit before she went an raided the fridge only to use her magic to bring out a few bottles of sports drink. Green and purple. She handed me the purple drink with her magic just as she tapped a few times at her phone before it was put on speaker to hear a bit of buzzing.

I grabbed the drink and opened it holding it with both hands... I was shaking badly. I slowly sipped it as the phone buzzed a bit before clicking. "Twilight?" I heard AJ said. "What's going on? Ry go and have another accident again?" Twilight looked to me and sighed. I kinda nodded a bit.

"Yeah kinda... But there is a reason for that..." I heard AJ sigh.

"Ah hell... Dont tell me Dash has a spider in her house..."

"She doesnt.... At least I hope not..." Twilight looked around. I did too. Nothing thank Celestia. "But uh no... No spiders that I see... Ryder did have an accident but she got scared when we came outside and we're kinda stuck up here.... I'm not gonna leave her up here alone and she wont come down even with me. Anything you girls can do to coax her out?" Applejack hummed.

"...Cant think of anythin... I'd say force her out but a whole good that's gonna do..."

Pinkie kinda made a noise like she had an idea. "Ooh! Ooh! Just toss her down! I'll catch her!" She said. I kinda screamed a bit crying more.

"Dammit Pinkie! Ya made her cry! That might've worked with Pound when he wouldnt get off the roof but not my sugarcube! C'mon you're sitting in front and I'm telling Mr. Cake what you said about her!" And we heard Pinkie start crying.

Twilight sighed. "Sorry Pinkie but that's what you get for that!" She said. "And I expect you to apologize to Ryder sincerely! She's going through a lot right now!" Applejack sighed as we heard the car door shut and Pinkie's cries silence... a bit.

"Sorry 'bout that Ry.... she's...she's just having a little temper tantrum now.... I got the keys and she knows you aint gonna be happy if she breaks anything in your car. Just c'mon down, I'm waiting right below and you and I can cuddle in the back until we get back home.

I sniffled capping my drink. "N-NO! No I'm not coming down! Too high!" I said.

Twilight brought me over to her to cuddle up to. She huffed. "Dash isnt here to help me with her" She said. "I cant get her down by myself since she doenst trust me holding on to her and Fluttershy cant calm her down through a video chat...."

I heard Applejack gasp a bit. "Gimme one second here." She said. "I got an idea but its just gonna be a minute." We didnt have time to answer back before she hung up leaving us to sit there in silence.

It was only a few minutes of silence with the occasional shush from Princess Twilight. That only lasted until we had a knock on the door. We both looked to the door as it opened and in came Gilda looking a bit surprised and tired. I got up and rushed her as she set suitcases aside. She was wearing a grungy looking leather jacket and black combat pants and boots. She hugged me back sighing as I cried into her stomach. Yeah she was that much taller than I was. Barely enough to have her rest her tits on my head but not enough to even reach them standing up all the way. "... Ah shit... Guess what Dash said was true..." She said. "Big tough stallion turned small mare..." She pried me off and knelt down looking me in the eye. "What's wrong? Was Dash mean to you?"

Twilight huffed as she came over and closed the door. "Nah... Just got scared from the heights..." She said. "You wanna help her down and take her home? Feels like she could use someone to cuddle with after this ordeal..." Gilda huffed.

"Sure... plane ride back here was hell, barely slept back home because of all the hate I was getting... the elder did make it public that it was an accident but some dont believe him about me.... Just glad to be back with someone who accepts me even if i do screw up..." Twilight rested a hand on Gilda's shoulder... One that I wasnt occupying for my crying.

"...Tomorrow I'll see if I cant scrounge together some bits and get them to agree to a video chat to resolve this issue. I want to see you accepted by your fellow griffons. The elder and I know it was a huge accident. I will even send a declaration or have Celestia make her appearance to rectify things there." Gilda yawned picking me up and holding me tight. I gripped her tightly with my arms around her neck and legs around her waist.

"....Yeah... guess that's okay... Lets just get going...." I clenched my eyes shut as we walked outside the door. "...Grab my bags please?"

After a while I was back home just cuddling with Gilda... I was tired but refusing to go to sleep... she was doing the same thing. We were in my bedroom upstairs. "....Hey Gilda....?" I said looking up at her. She looked at me.

"Yeah Ry?"

"...Do... do you think AJ still loves me like this...?"

"If she's stayed with you through you getting jailed, drafted and nearly killed in a plane crash and even lets you fuck my brains out I'd say she'd stay with you even if you look like this....I've seen worse when it comes to relationships..." I climbed on top of her resting my head on her chest. She held me close.

"...You have...?"

"Uh-huh... Was back home when this one happened... before shit hit the fan.... Saw a couple who broke up because the girl questioned him after he bought a scone from my stall. Said he was cheating, slapped me and accused me for being a seducer... the guard there let me get away with a slap after it was found that she was found out to abuse every mare her ex had made contact with... assault, molestation... hell she even kidnapped a few kids too... she was that greedy for a lover she removed anyone and everyone she deemed a threat.... even her own mother...."

"...In my time of the guard I've heard some shit... seen some shit... I had to go through a nightmare one day... four months into me being general... I went to a house to see about a domestic disturbance... Only go there to find a mare and a filly out on the lawn... Mother and daughter... daughter has a black eye... Mom tells me to go inside the house to get her husband and arrest him... Guy turned out to be the leader of a freaking sex traffickers and had fillies from all over Equestria in his basement... Some that I've even seen in Scootaloo's classes when she was younger... Felt good to get this guy off the streets but... seeing those children... most malnourished and others bruised.... All scarred from what this and possibly many other stallions have done... if Scoot was among them I... I dont know what I would've done... I would've beaten him, killed him... Probably worse...."

"Hell... Pretty sure you'd rip the guys arm off and beat him with it and even shove it right up his ass after salting his wounds with rat poison... You wanna protect your sister no matter what... Hell I kinda figured you'd do anything for her considering that wing you had to lop off to get home... How'd you get it back anyways?" I curled up a bit and yawned.

"...Luna gave it to me... a gift after all I've done..." Gilda yawned as well rolling me off of her.

"Good... I'd hate to see you with only one wing.... or no wings for that matter... Might be funny if we drove up to Cloudsdale and freaked a few ponies out with making them think you're just a blind earth pony who didnt know where they were going..." I kinda laughed a bit.

"Yeah... Might be a good prank... for now... naps.... But... change me before you sleep...?" Gilda sighed a bit and kissed my head before getting up out of the bed. While she was out getting diapers I passed out.

As I slept I fell into a dream... Nightmare really. I was thrown into my bedroom... my old bedroom... everything is burning but I'm a mare. "Ryder! HELP!" I hear AJ scream I rushed to my door and opened it only to see burning rubble blocking it. I looked back at my room and hurried towards the window. I tried lifting it but it was too heavy for me. I started coughing and hacking because of the smoke. "RYDER! HELP!" I frantically started to look around my room. I dont think I ever had one in my room but I found a baseball bat in my closet. It was a wooden one, taped up handle. I grabbed it and started beating at the debris. Nothing. Next thing you know I throw it at the window and it shatters. I quickly fly out and down to the ground only to rush into the front door to see the fire put out, Applejack on the floor wearing nothing but burnt tattered rags... She wasnt dead but she was crying. "...Wh-why sugarcube... why did you not save me?" I stammered a bit.

"A-AJ I'm sorry! I tried to get here as fast as-"

"NO!" She screamed springing up. Half her face was a bit burnt. "Your fastest wasnt good enough! Look at me! I'm scarred! I'm BURNED! NOBODY'S GONNA EVER LOVE ME!" I grabbed onto AJ's shoulders.

"Nonsense! I still love you!" She shrugged me off and pushed me back.

"BULLSHIT! YOU DONT LOVE ME! IF YOU LOVED ME YOU'D'VE CAME HERE AND SAVED ME!" She got up and put her bare foot hard down on my chest. "HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU CANT SAVE ME?!" I couldnt answer I was so scared. "Pitiful piece of shit.... couldnt save me as a mare... cant please me as a stallion...." She reached down and grabbed me by the shirt i was wearing before picking me up, spinning for a moment and chucking me straight for the window.

I narrowly missed it but hit the wall instead... that forced me to wake up giving a scream. Gilda was still next to me on the bed just scared out of her mind after the scream. She flailed for a second before rushing to my side as I started to cry. My cries sounded almost like Scootaloo's after watching a scary movie... Loud and screeching. Just a bit over my cries I heard heavy steps to the ground before my door opened. I looked over to the door and saw Big Mac coming in.... He had his boots on, jeans and a black hoodie. "What in the hell is going on in here?!" He asked. "Why the hell is Ryder crying??"

Gilda huffed holding me tight. "I dont know! She just woke up and started screaming!" She said. "Scared the shit out of me too..." She looked to me. "You okay Ry?"

I sniffled a bit. "M-MOMMY!" I yelled. Gilda shushed me as I continued to cry. Gilda sighed a bit.

"Call AJ. Obviously needs her...."

"NO! NO NOT AJ ANYONE BUT HER!"

Big Mac sat on the bed next to us and huffed. "Well why not?!" He asked.

"...Sh-she... she doesnt love me... I j-just.... I want my mommy...." I almost couldnt believe i was calling my own mother mommy when I usually refer to her as Mama Spitfire. Big Mac sighed as he got up.

"....great... Now one of us is gonna have to fuckin' take him to his momma.... Cloudsdale 'n shit... Aint wantin' to do that.... My truck doesnt have that much gas for that kinda trip and AJ took his car..."

Gilda huffed as well. "My car is almost on empty too... Asshole went and siphoned gas from my gas tank at the airport..." She said. "Had enough bits for a bit of gas to get me home and here.... dont think I can get much more without a little kickback... Maybe Twilight can help us?" She looked to me. I nodded. "Alright... I'll have to call Twilight see what she can do... want a soda until then?" I sniffled and nodded. She looked to Big Mac. "Grab her a soda... I'll stay up here until you get back... Maybe get her changed... Feels soaked..." I looked down at myself and saw all I was in was the shirt I got from Dash's and one of Scoot's diapers. Diaper was soaked quite a bit. Gilda was kinda doing the same thing now that I noticed. She was wearing one of my tees and a diaper. Shirt was my torn sleeved Metallicolt tee. Her diaper looked soaked too. Yellow like she hadnt gotten enough water. I just cuddled up to her again sniffling as Big Mac left the room. My griffon friend huffed. "...Not sure what's gotten into me but I cant believe I'm acting motherly to you.... Such a big baby you are... calling for mommy and wetting yourself... Second one is pretty normal to me but... havent heard you call your mommy before... You sure you're alright?"

I sniffled. "...I... I hate this body...." I said. "...I feel... I feel like... I dont belong in this body... everyone looks at me weird, I'm shorter and flatter than Dash... I dont have my parts... I fit into extra small shirts and panties... AJ doesnt love me and... I feel like if i fucked anyone I'd be looked at like I was just a filly doing the wrong things.... I've even got the bladder of a fucking filly and I HATE IT!" Gilda shushed me holding me close.

"...Look... I know it's not easy but a lot of ponies go through what you're going through... they're trapped in a body they dont wanna be in and want some other equipment though.. it's not as easy to fix as your problem is... they even have ponies who had cared for them over years just turn on them because they dont feel comfortable in their own body or even in their own clothes... I can say I've... I've lost someone after they've gone and told their own parents about how they didnt feel good as a mare... Parents disowned them and the father threatened to send them to one of those camps to force you to say you are what you are... Hung himself up as they came to get him the next day... Parents were arrested when they found a suicide note saying the father beat him and his mother wanted to kill him.... had blades and everything to do so... Even acid to get rid of the body..." She sighed just laying me down onto the bed next to her as she got up and started to dig under the bed for a spare diaper and some wipes. "...Point is... I just hate hearing that you arent loved or arent happy.... It's making me afraid you're going to... do something I dont want..." My heart kinda sank. Was I really coming off that way? I sighed as Gilda came back up and set aside the wipes and a fresh diaper for me.

"...Sweet Celestia... I'm sorry... I just... I didnt know it hurt you that much..."

"...It's fine dweeb... Just... please dont say you hate yourself and that nobody loves you... I love you, AJ loves you... even your little sister... would you wanna leave them without a big brother? A husband? A friend they can look to for comfort?" I sighed and sniffled.

"...Almost did a few times... guard training I almost shot myself after my parents were murdered... Shining knocked the gun from my hand when taking me down.... I wanted to hang myself when I was out at war... Someone found the noose I tied, cut it, burned it and had me held down for a night and watched for a couple days until I was stable... Stuck with me for a bit through the plane crash and the fire... The fire I'm not gonna lie... I was just going to embrace it but... then again... something stopped me... I just... I need help Gil... badly...." I whimpered a bit... peed a little more too... Gilda shushed me as she started to change me.

"Calm down there you're gonna get yourself sick.... If you need help just say something... I'm here for you, Applejack and her brother are here for you, the princesses and anyone else you talk with is going to be glad to help you... I will wake up from a dead sleep for you to talk to me, hell I'll come all the way over here to get you to go to sleep if you're freaking out or cant sleep because you're the only one home... If you get kicked out and cant get the keys to your car I'd be down here with mine so you can sleep in the back seat... Hell I'd sleep in there if you could take my bed at Dash's place... I just wanna see you happy and alive for everyone involved."

I sobbed a bit. Gilda continued to shush me as she started to wipe down my crotch. She passed over my pussy and just drove me wild with the cold wipe. I could see her blush as I gave a loud moan. Oh and what she did next was just THE BEST. She looked to the door and then back at me motioning me to cover my mouth. I did as such and she started to finger me and sweet fucking celestia... I fell into some sort of state that wasnt quite bliss... possibly beyond. My wings puffed out from under me as I felt my face turn bright red before I quickly came, squirting a bit. She giggled a bit taking her claw out of me, licking her cum covered talons. I had actually started to pee again. Strong stream too. Gilda had to quickly lower herself a bit, open her diaper and allow me to piss on her and in her diaper... Yet that couldnt be at the worst time. We heard footsteps and they stopped close. A gasp was heard. I looked over and there was Big Mac just staring at us doing this with a can of soda in one hand and a phone in the other. He brought the phone up to his ear. "...Uh... Twi?" He said "I'll uh... I'll meetcha at the castle... Just make sure Pinkie and AJ arent there... Tell them to get some food for later..." He brought his phone down and huffed. "...Alright... I aint gonna ask what's going on up here and letcha finish... Just gonna let you know we're gonna have to head out soon. Both of ya get dressed and hurry. Only got a small window of opportunity to do this so empty whatcha got, change into some fresh'ns and lets go!" We both blushed giving a thumbs up as I dribbled to a stop.

Not long later I was redressed and rediapered. I sat right between Big Mac and Gilda in Big Mac's truck as we started to head towards the castle. I kinda cuddled up to Gilda feeling content with her... felt kind of a motherly aura with her. It wasnt much of an aura but i felt it... I looked to Big Mac. "... You uh... you okay today...?" I asked. He glanced at me and sighed.

"...Yeah... Just... Just been thinkin' about my life... Might head out to visit Braeburn or somethin' soon.... Think I've been workin' too much..."

"You have seemed a bit stressed lately... Getting snippy, working till you pass out in bed and taking the girls to school every morning not even letting me get a chance to... Just.... talk it over with AJ. She's gonna worry a bit..."

"Like I give a damn... I hurt her and you.... Damn near scared the life outta me when you said somethin' about being in Miss Cheerilee's class..." I kinda laughed a bit.

"That's what ya get. Had ya fooled didnt I?"

"...Scared the hell outta me is what ya did... Thought one of them school kids broke in and tried fucking me..."

Gilda looked to us a bit shocked. "Wait... WHAT did she do?" She asked.

"Ryder came into my room when I was taking a nap, buck naked and ended up messing around with me after I uh...." He glanced out the window as we stopped at a red light.

"After you what?"

"Look all I'm gonna say is that I fucked up BAD and hurt someone close to me. For revenge that someone told this guard here to do something to me and with her like this she couldnt think of a damn thing and jerked me off and tried to fuck me pretending he was one of our sisters classmates..." He looked at me. "How long you gonna be like this? Aint used to seeing another filly using my damn best friends name."

I huffed shifting a bit, crinkling my flank a bit. "Said a few days. Dont have all the ingredients on hand." I said. "... Can we just get me to the castle so I can see my mom... I just... I need her a lot right now..."

"Alright. Gotcha... Momma's girl..."

I just reached over and nailed him in the arm with a well placed punch. He just rubbed it as he pulled off from the light. Not long later I was Riding on Gilda's back as we followed Big Mac up into the castle. I just gripped Gilda kinda giggling a bit as she just kinda bounced around as we came to a plateau. Guess she wanted to do this to kinda cheer me up. We walked through the halls and had a few guards looking at us. I may have flipped off a few that chuckled at me. They knew what they were getting into. Soon we found Princess Twilight kinda pacing around in her study. She was wearing that tank top I was wearing as a dress earlier. The wonderbolt tank top and some jean capris pants as well as some running shoes... I think the same ones that I borrowed. She looked to us as we entered. "Good you're here!" She said. "We dont have much time. I've got a chopper inbound and Applejack will be back ANY moment. She and Pinkie are trying to decide what to eat and cant agree so they're out there arguing about whether to get hayburgers or pizza because I cant make up my mind to hide your being here!" Big Mac huffed.

"Aint my fault that Ry wanted his mama instead of AJ when she woke up screaming from a fuckin' nightmare!" Twilight looked at him quizzically as I dismounted Gilda.

"Uh.... confused much?" He blushed and looked away.

"Yeah I know she's a mare but that's still my friend there... Aint easy for me to refer to Ryder as such..." She huffed.

"Well try to keep calling her a her! I dont want someone to overhear and get pissed off because you keep calling a mare a guy! Only unless they wanna be preferred as such. And Ryder... She's been responding to mare stuff okay and-"

I huffed. "Can we just get this done and over with! Please?" I asked. "I just... I just need to go talk with my mother... it's important...." My voice kinda weakened as I looked away. Twilight approached me and knelt down. I started to tear up.

"...Is... is everything okay Ryder...?" I didnt answer. Just whined a bit before sobbing and burying my face into her shoulder. She looked up at Big Mac and Gilda. "You two should get going. I'll handle it from here."

Gilda sighed and knelt down picking me up. I grabbed onto her tight. "...Think I'll stay for her..." She said. "....Told me something important and... I just cant help but worry..."

"Uh... Okay... Maybe you can accompany him on the chopper when it gets here. I'll tell Dash you had to go with Ryder somewhere.... Maybe Dash and Fluttershy could meet you there...?" Gilda looked at me.

"...Want them to be there for ya Ry? Might help ya better than just me and your mother..." I sniffled and sobbed giving a nod. She looked back at Twilight. "Yeah... And... Tell Applejack- if she isnt back by the time we have to go- that... Ry still needed a little time to unwind from his stress... I'll tell his-her..." She looked to Big Mac. "...Shit this is hard... knowing someone for a while just for them to end up swapping sides on you really confuses you... But..." She looked back to me. "...I'll shell out the details of why she's like this... Maybe see if we cant stay in contact with you to get the heads up... but what is said doesnt leave to Applejack or Scootaloo... Capiche?" Twilight looked to Big Mac and vice versa. They both looked back.

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Twilight said.

We all looked to Big Mac. He just looked at us. "...What?" He said. Gilda and Twilight cleared their throats. He huffed. "Fine.... Fuckin' Pinkie promise... Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye"

Gilda sighed. "Good... Now if the dweeb comes crying to me because one of you blabbed OOH I'm gonna beat someone... Most likely gonna be the stallion here. Princesses get special treatment...." She said. "But the reason she's acting like this is because she's just.... been having thoughts... bad thoughts... thoughts that I had long ago..." She looked to me. "...She helped me get through them and I wanna be there for her through this... I wanna see to it she gets better..."

Twilight stammered a bit. "Uh... Wh-what kind of thoughts if... you dont mind me asking...?" She asked. Gilda held me with one had and did a motion with her other hand... I knew what motion she did without anyone saying anything and me not seeing anything. Twilight and Big Mac both gasped. "No! You cant be serious!" I felt Gilda hold me tight with both arms again. My wings started to shiver quite a bit.

"...W-wish I wasnt...."

I heard the door kinda hit the frame a bit. "...Holy shit.... You just... why...?" I hear Big Mac ask.

"...I... I dont wanna say... she could tell more than I could... but... we should get going now...." I felt Gilda start to move a bit before hearing heavy boots rush us and a loud grunt from Big Mac before I was just ripped away from Gilda... I screamed and maybe messed myself I was so scared. I cowered now in the grip of Big Mac.

"GOD DAMMIT TELL ME WHY YOU'RE THINKIN' THESE THINGS!!" I felt Gilda try to grab me before Big Mac pulled me away more. "DONT TOUCH HER! TRY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL GUT YOU YOU OVERGROWN CHICKEN!"

I felt some force grab us both... Twilight's magic. "YOU LET HER GO RIGHT NOW BIG MAC!" She snapped. "DONT MAKE ME CALL THE GUARD IN HERE! LET. HER. GO. SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESNT WANNA TALK!"

I just let out a loud blood curdling scream. "STOOOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I screamed. I was suddenly dropped by both Twilight and Big Mac starting to break down even more. I got up and opened my eyes and looked at everyone looking scared, Gilda with tears in her eyes, Big Mac looking pissed with tears in his eyes and Twilight just looking worried. "Y-you wanna know why I thought those things...?! It's because I couldnt save my parents from a fucking murderer, I nearly lost my sister to a fucking guard, I couldnt save my house from burning down, I cant even make a good lover for my soon to be fucking wife AND I NEARLY KILLED MY TEAM ON A FUCKING FROZEN MOUNTAIN FOR FUCKS SAKE BY BEING A FUCKING DEAD WEIGHT! I HAD FUCKING FLASHBACKS OF KILLING AFTER I FUCKING EXECUTED THAT GOD DAMN SPY IN THE CAMP! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO LET HIM LIVE AND LIVE WITH THE GUILT OF NOT BEING STRONG ENOUGH OR BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAVE WHAT I LOVE?!" I just broke down and collapsed.

Gilda hurried to my side snatching me up in her arms quickly shushing me. Twilight and Big Mac kinda rushed me too all getting in on the embrace."...You see now why I didnt want her to say anything...?" Gilda said. "She's obviously hurting... badly... Just needs a little bit of a helping hand to get back stability..."

Twilight sighed. "...I... I'm sorry..." She said. "... I... had no idea... Ryder if you would've said something I'd've helped... I'd've talked with you all day and night for your sanity... I wanna make sure my top guard is in his top form... I'll call Gilda later to talk with you... I just wanna make sure you're alright..."

I heard Big Mac give a huff too. "Yeah... same here..." He said holding back sobs. "...All that just... I just cant believe someone else would think of that..." He made me face him... He was just to the right of Gilda and Twilight was on the left. "...Y-you dont have anythin' that's gonna hurt ya at home right...? No... gun? Knife? Rope...?"

I sniffled. "...Closet... lock box... Key is under my side of the bed, taped down... get it away from me... hide it somewhere.... please..." I said. He kinda gave me a smile and nodded. That box? I... I got it for my gun given to me by the princess... I cant trust myself to use it or even have it near me...

Twilight sighed as she got a notification on her phone. I looked over to her as she pulled it out of her pocket. "...That's the pilot... Chopper is here..." She said. She looked us. "Gilda... Please call me later... I'll text Ry's mom and let her know what happened and that you're coming... I'll even have Dash and Fluttershy meet you there... But... You wanna say something or should I...? They have to know somehow so they can help you... I'll even let Celestia and Luna know if that's okay... They truly care about you... I know Luna will pry into your mind to fix things... but she'll talk to you about it first... I promise you they wont do anything bad to you. They do... you know what to do..." I sniffled and gave a nod. "Good... Now c'mon... lets get you to mommy..."

After that she and Big Mac walked through the hall with me and Gilda. When we got out to the roof with the chopper landing pad I had to clench my eyes shut as Gilda held me close... I felt a bit of wind whipping my mane around and the roar of the chopper blades. We soon boarded the chopper and the door was shut behind us. Gilda pried me off and strapped me in putting a headset on me... I quickly tuned it to the music channel and the station. It was calm hippie music and I loved it. The sound of a sitar, a bit of bongos to a jungle beat... Kindness for Tirek... Knew this song well. I watched as Gilda strapped herself in in front of me. Motioned to her I was listening to music and showed her what channel she can listen to it on. Even had to take her hand as best I could when we hit a bit of turbulence. It was only momentary but it frightened me. She had to move from her seat in front of me to one beside me to keep me calm. Maybe about an hour later we were starting to land at the Wonderbolts training area. I looked out the window as best I could only to see a few ponies on the tarmac. My mom being one of them and Soarin and Dash being the others. Mama Spitfire was wearing her jumpsuit, same with Soarin and Dash was wearing a blue hoodie and jeans with boots. Dash also sported a worried look as well as everyone else. Once we were grounded Gilda got up getting her headset off hanging it on a hook by my head. Even took mine off and hung it up as well. "Alright. This is gonna be a bit loud!" Gilda shouted. "Get ready!" She unhooked me and I grabbed onto her before she threw open the door letting the wind go through the cabin and we hopped out keeping our heads down. We rushed away just as the chopper started to take off once more. Gilda set me on the ground and looked to me. "You good?" I gave a hesitant nod. "...Alright... lets go see your mother now...." She took my hand and we started walking towards my mother who just kinda looked at me shocked.

I looked away embarrassed. Mama Spitfire approached and knelt down. "...R-ryder...?" She said. I kinda hid my face shyly. "...My god... what happened to my baby boy?" I hugged my mother but didnt answer her.

Dash came up and huffed. "...He... had a run in with poison joke..." She said kinda hesitantly. Both me and Mama Spitfire looked to Dash. "Poison joke is a plant that likes to screw with ponies and... Guess Ryder here fucked up and pissed the plant off turning your baby boy into a baby girl..." Mama Spitfire looked back at me. I just kinda looked away.

"My poor baby... are you going to be okay....?"

I whimpered a bit. "...I-I'm scared..." I said. She gave an aw and held me close.

"...Dont worry now... mama's here..." She looked back to Dash. "...Am I going to get my baby boy back soon?"

I looked over and saw my cousin give a smile. "...Yeah.. you should get him back after a bit of a bath in a cure we got cooking up soon..." She said. "Hopefully... Otherwise we got a little filly on our hands for a bit."

I huffed hopping from my mothers arms onto the ground looking to Dash. "I'm still older than you bitch!" I said. "Dont keep calling me a little filly or I swear I'll say what I said earlier." Dash looked at me a bit pissed.

"You... wouldnt... DARE...." She got in my face and I gave a smile. Smug as ever.

"Wanna bet? Rainbow...." She huffed.

"Okay okay! I wont call you a little filly just dont say that again... Pinkie called me that earlier yknow!" I kinda laughed as she turned bright pink.

Dash immediately went to Gilda and hugged her. Just as I looked back to my mom Soarin came over. "...What in the hell..." He said. "Is... Is that you General?" I kinda blushed a bit smiling at the stallion before me and gave him a nod getting my mane out of my face. "...Well... Shit... lost a few pounds have we?"

I giggled a bit. "And... a LOT more..." I said. He laughed.

"Nice but uh... Doesnt it feel weird not having anything there...?"

Mama Spitfire looked to him grabbing a hold of me. "Soarin! How dare you ask about her special places!" She snapped.

I huffed shrugging mom off. "Ma. I'm 32! I only look 15... Or younger..." I said. She gasped a bit and covered her mouth.

"Oh! Oh sweetie i'm sorry! Mommy's just...."

"I get it ma... You're not used to seeing a little filly who bears your sons name... I wanna be back to myself as much as you wanna see me back to myself." I looked back to Soarin. "But yeah... does feel weird not having anything down there... Just think of it like one of those dolls you've seen in your childhood with the smooth crotch area. Weird I know but... I think of it like that."

Soarin hummed kinda thinking it over as I took my mothers hand. "I... guess that's right...?" He said. "What ever... Lets just get you inside. "You hungry? Thirsty?" I was about to answer... until I felt the urge to pee and just up and wet myself... I kinda clenched my eyes, buckled my knees a bit and shoved my free hand between my legs. "Oh? Time for a change?"

Mama Spitfire picked me up and gave a little aw as I started to sob. When I wet myself usually I'm in control... when it just comes on suddenly like this then I cry... Kinda realized why i'm having accidents... Side effects of Twi's detox spell. "Aww... Did mommy's little baby have a widdwe accident?" She asked. I nodded giving a little sob. "Aww... It's okay... mommy's here..." She looked to Soarin. "Soarin. You remember where you put the diapers for when Scootaloo was here? Get them and bring them to the office. And... Bring a jumpsuit... She's kinda leaking a bit."

I heard Dash groan a bit. "Oh COME ON! THOSE ARE MY CLOTHES!" She yelled.

Next thing you know a slap. "Quiet!" I hear Gilda snap. "Who gives a shit if she had an accident in your clothes?! You know what's going on!"

My heart dropped as i felt mom turn around. "What? What's been going on?" She asked.

...And... That's when the urge hit... worse than it ever had. I forced myself out of Mama Spitfire's arms and fell a bit before starting to run off. I flew up away from Gilda and Dash who tried to grab me as tears came from my eyes. They knew what I was going to do. Soarin flew after me but I ended up flipping around and putting a shoe in his face knocking him out of the air.... lucky me we were only a few feet off the ground. I took aim at the mess hall and flew straight for it ramming the doors open. It was empty... I immediately flew towards the back kitchen area and grabbed a large knife off the racks... Sharp... asking for my blood. I climbed up on the counter and sat there just staring at the blade in my hand.... my tiny hand. Tears clouded my eyes but... I saw everyone rush in and stop in their tracks seeing me. I raised the blade and aimed it at my neck. "DONT MOVE!" I yelled. "NOBODY FUCKING MOVE! I'LL DO IT!" I watched as mom screamed a bit before fainting... Soarin caught her and carefully brought her up onto a table.

Dash put her hands up. "R-Ryder please... Put the knife DOWN!" She said. "Nobody has to die or get hurt... Please just put it down, we'll forget this ever happened..."

"WHY SHOULD I?! I'M A FAILURE!"

Gilda slammed her fist on a table. "DWEEB! DAMMIT DONT DO THIS!" She screamed having tears start to pour from her eyes. "I DIDNT COME ALL THIS WAY JUST TO SEE YOU FUCKING PUT A KNIFE TO YOUR NECK AND SLIT YOUR DAMN THROAT! I DIDNT CUDDLE WITH YOU IN YOUR SOON TO BE WIFES BED BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE YOU SIX FEET BELOW WITH YOUR GOD DAMNED PARENTS AND LEAVING YOUR FUCKING SISTER ALONE!"

"I'M A FAILURE! I'M NO FUCKING HERO! I LET MY PARENTS DIE, I LET EVERYONE DOWN! I. DESERVE. TO. DIE."

Dash just turned and ran out crying. Not being able to watch me... knife against my neck and ready for the sweet embrace. Soarin raised his hands and took a step forward. "Come on Ry! Dont do this!" He said. "So much to do and live for General! Think of what you have back home! You have a little sister who looks up to you and worships you."

"SHE DOESNT FUCKING LOVE ME! I HAVE NOTHING AT HOME! I LIVE OUT OF A SHITTY FARM FOR FUCKS SAKE! MY REAL HOME BURNT DOWN AND I WAS NEARLY LEFT HOMELESS! I WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER OFF!"

"Ryder you'd be worse off if you were on the street! Trust me! I've seen ponies who come home from wars and have psychotic breaks like this! They're homeless! They're starving themselves and doing hard drugs to remedy the pain they feel! You've got so much more! You've got a sister! Friends who care for you and want to see you keep kicking! Celestia even spoke great things about you while you were away!"

"SHE DOESNT GIVE A FUCK! I'M ANOTHER PAWN IN HER GAME OF FUCKING CHESS THAT LUNA PUSHES AROUND TOO! THEY USE ME!"

Gilda pushed Soarin over to my mother. "RYDER YOU DROP THAT KNIFE RIGHT NOW!" She screamed. "DROP IT RIGHT NOW OR- OR..." She trailed off.

"OR WHAT?! I WONT GET FUCKING WHORE PUSSY FROM YOU AGAIN? I WONT SEE YOUR COCK HUNGRY ASSHOLE AGAIN? FUCK OFF!"

Soarin grabbed Gilda who obviously wanted to rush me and sat her down in a table next to him. She just lied her head down and broke down crying. Soarin looked back to me. "RYDER LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" He snapped. "YOUR MOTHER FAINTED AND YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE SCARED FOR YOUR SAFETY! YOUR COUSIN JUST RAN OUT HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK! THINK OF WHAT THIS COULD DO TO YOUR SISTER AND YOUR FIANCE!"

I took the knife from my neck and pushed the blade onto the topside of my arm quickly pulling it, cutting skin and drawing blood. I winced at the pain. Blood dripped down my arm onto the counter top once i had my arm go limp. Then another cut on my leg. Just as I was about to do one last cut... chest height... I heard someone scream. "RYDER NO!" They said. Mare. I looked up only to see Fluttershy coming down the middle of the aisle of tables passing both my passed out mother and crying Gilda. "BAD RYDER! PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN NOW!" I gripped the knife getting it ready as she came closer. Yet that was when it happened. Her stare. I froze as her walk speed slowed as she came towards me. Fluttershy was wearing heels, bell bottom jeans and a green sweatshirt with a heart on it. "Look at you! Hurting yourself and others! You put that knife down or so help me you arent getting ANYTHING from me at all for presents on your birthday or hearths warming!" I didnt listen. I just still gripped the knife staring at her. I raised the knife as if I was about to stab her as she rested her hands on my shoulders but before I could even do anything i felt someone grab my wrist. I looked over and saw Soarin as he shook the knife from my hand, tears pouring down his face.

"I'm sorry... But you left me no choice!" He reeled back and before I knew it he threw a punch and I was out.

I was thrown into a deteriorating dreamscape... Crumbling rocks, broken and burning trees and even an apocalyptic red sky with a solar eclipse going on. I sat in the middle of a field in tattered rags crying my eyes out. Just then I felt the shaky yet warm embrace of someone. "...There you are..." I hear a familiar voice say. I looked up and saw Princess Luna looking worried. She was in a bathrobe and I could see a bra and panties under it clearly. "....I'm.... I'm so sorry General... I ignored your dreams when clearly there was something wrong... something distressing you... Twilight told me what you've been feeling... That's why I'm here.... I'm going to root through your mind, find the bad thoughts, eradicate them and make sure you come out of this okay.... while I say this Princess Celestia is on her way out to see you and everyone at the WBTF... quite a few hurt hearts, a few panic attacks and a certain someone who needs some time away from work to recooperate and get their life together..."

I sobbed and just lied my head on Luna's shoulder. "...I... I'm sorry princess... I'm scared... Tired...." I said.

"It's going to be okay.... Listen to the sound of my voice... I want you to breathe... in and out slowly....In...." I did as she said. "And out.... In.... and out..... repeat more until you're calm... but still listen..." I kept breathing... a bit shakey but it still went on. "...Ryder... I'm hurt to hear that you feel like nopony loves you or cares about you... that you think Celestia and I are using you... We'd never use you... We trusted you to carry out things that others could not and you pulled through... though with losses pulling you downwards it was only a matter of time before the stress got to you and made you wanna let go and have you join your parents... They dont want to see you until you've gotten a silver mane and lived a full life... Your mother Spitfire? She woke up just after Soarin had to knock you out and she told me she was scared of losing her precious child again... she wants to be the mother to the foal given unto her by someone who wronged her but... she was scared she'd never get that opportunity anymore than she has... Celestia wants you to keep fighting... do what ever it takes... But I have a favor to ask and I want you to Pinkie Promise you wont break it. Understand?" I nodded sobbing a bit more. "...My favor is for you to come to Canterlot, call me or Celestia or go to Twilight if you have ANY thoughts like this again... we've had too many guards and friends end their lives by their own hands because they arent feeling like they do enough or get enough to be liked. You are well liked by many... Celestia and I even went as far as to get you and Applejack an early wedding present but we wont give it to you until just before the wedding... Cant divulge what it is but... it's something that truly shows that... you've been one of the best guards and the best friends Celestia and I have had through the millennia.... losing you would be a hard loss for everyone... AJ and your sister included... I can say me and Celestia would have a plan if that happened... we'd be taking your sister in, make her as comfortable as we could and give her a life you'd want her to live... but that doesnt mean you should end your life..."

"...I... I just... cut myself... almost stabbed Fluttershy.... fuck...." Luna shushed me more.

"It's okay.... From what I've been told you're in the infirmary at the Wonderbolts facility... Put Gilda into a bed along with your mother... Soarin should be watching over you... Everyone should be around.... Now I'm going to go fix your mind.. PLEASE please please please... come to us when you're feeling like doing something harsh... But remember... you're a hero to us General... Sure you were late for things but... fate has plans for you... good things in my eyes... Remember those dreams I've shown you about what if certain things didnt happen?" I gave a nod. "...well... think of that one dream where you and Applejack never got together and you never had to kill you-know-who..."

"....I... I guess that's..." She shushed me more hearing my shaky voice.

"...Sorry.... I just... I got scared when I heard you did this... I just... I wanna let you know you've got a special place in my heart Ryder... Next time you come to canterlot my door is going to be open to you amongst... other things...." She released me and just kinda gave me a flash of her breasts and pussy. "...They're yours at any time... Like Gilda- and yes Applejack has told me about her- its all yours.... I wont even object if you wanna feel when we're out... But it has to be requested first... okay?"

"...Y-yes princess..."

"...Good..." She fixed her undergarments and tied her bathrobe shut. "Now dont tell my sister anything... she'll probably have something to say after you're alone... Might have to have someone call for you but... for right now I'll get to work... You'll be waking up... Before I came in here I've given instructions and questions to ask to Soarin to make sure my work is done right... otherwise I either missed something or took out the wrong thing... But dont worry and dont be scared. I'll get it right first time around. Now..." She brought me close and kissed me on the forehead before setting me down and standing up. She was towering over me. Didnt notice at first but... shit.... "...Talk with you soon Ryder..."

I watched as her horn glowed and everything faded. After everything turned black I felt somethings digging into my wrists and my head pounding. I opened my eyes and shit was my whole body feeling horrible. I couldnt do much.... Just pulled at my hands and found they were tied up above my head which I could barely move it hurt so much. "Woah! Woah dont go and move so much!" I heard someone say. I looked over as best I could and saw Soarin at my bedside wearing a white teeshirt and sweat pants. The infirmary area was small. Couple beds, medical supplies and even a TV on the wall. The bed on the otherside of Soarin had my mother in it still in her jumpsuit. Guess on the one beyond was Gilda. "...Okay... I'm gonna just ask a few questions to you... after we're done I'm gonna cut you loose... okay?" I gave a nod. "Alright... Birthday and how old you are...." I coughed and wheezed when I tried to speak. "Ah. Hold on here. Let's get ya something to drink first." I watched as he got up and went to the otherside of the room opposite from where I was... Couldnt turn my head barely. Saw mom still passed out... Gilda was indeed in the bed beyond her. I could see her sitting up watching what was on TV. Couldnt tell what was on but she was too into it.... Well until Soarin whistled. He tossed her a water bottle and she caught it. I saw her just take a glance at me before looking back at the TV opening the water. Soarin sat back down opening a water bottle for me. He put it to my lips and tipped it back a bit. "Here. Drink..." I swallowed a bit of water and he kept tipping it slightly every few gulps. After a few big gulps he took the bottle away and recapped it. I panted and huffed feeling better. Head was less heavy but still hurt a bit. "There... better?" I nodded. "Good... Birthday and how old you are sweetie...."

"...O-october 28th... I'm 32... " He smiled setting the water down and picking up a clipboard from a table inbetween mine and my mothers bed. He marked it with a pen that was attached to it.

"Alright... Next one is... What is the car that you drive."

"My Dominator... Made to look like a post-apocalyptic car..." He marked at the clipboard again.

"Next question... Name your sister, marefriend, mother, friends that are here and yourself IN that order." I took a deep breath.

"...Scootaloo, Applejack, Spitfire, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Gilda... Soarin, Ryder..." He hummed marking the clipboard yet again.

"Good to see you consider me a good friend even after what I had to do..." He glanced to me. "You do know what I did to you right...?" I looked away.

"...You... you hit me..."

"...Yeah... Hard too... gave you a black eye... Sorry you had to do that but you forced my hand...." I kinda whimpered a bit. "Last question... do you hate yourself?" I thought for a moment... I knew why I would but... surprisingly I didnt.

"...No... No I dont..."

"Are you sorry for what you did and what was said...?" I started to tear up a bit. The ponies I've scared, the stuff i've done. I nodded. "...Well... I just wanna know... did you really mean those things about you not being loved? Not being a hero?" I sniffled a bit.

"...I was too late to save my parents from murder... could barely get off the mountain without telling my team to leave me to die... Almost killed them.... and not being loved? ...Scoot hasnt talked to me for a week... I had to sleep on the couch for a few days... Big Mac even yelled at me while we were working...."

"...So... that all built up to what happened..." I nodded. "...Sorry that happened... your parents died because you werent there... but you couldnt help it... you were at work if I remember from what Pinkie told me... You went to save your marefriend whos going to be your wife soon... And your sister has to love you... You saved her from a life in an orphanage away from you, her friends and such... Without you she would've been dragged off to who knows where. Away from you and everyone who loves her. And your brother in law? Stress... Your friend over there told me..." He pointed back at Gilda who was still watching TV. "Speaking of her... Do you wanna talk to her...?" I sniffled and nodded. "Alright... Just hold still and I'll cut you loose but you stay right there.... Okay?" I nodded.

I watched as he grabbed a little knife from the drawer on the side table and raised it to where my hands were. Two swift flicks was all it took and my hands were free. I rubbed at my wrists that had marks in them. Zip ties. Only for someone that would know- or possibly know- how to get out of cuffs. I saw a bandage wrapped around my arm where I cut myself. Even looked at the one on my knee under the covers... I was in just a teeshirt and a diaper. I sniffled a bit lowering the covers only to see Gilda coming over. She looked a bit stressed out. Tired mostly. She sat down where Soarin was and just looked at me. Nobody said a damn thing until she grabbed me, pulled me onto her lap and hugged me tight. "Dweeb..." She said. "Dont you EVER scare me like that again... Be grateful that I dont tell Applejack what happened and that I told Dash and Fluttershy not to say anything too... Otherwise..." I saw tears build in her eyes and she broke down fast. "RYDER!"

I couldnt help but cry with her as she held me tighter. "...G-gil... I... I'm so sorry..." I said. "...I.... I'm sorry i said those things... i just..."

"...P-please.... dont leave me... I dont... I dont wanna lose you..."

"...I wont... please forgive me..." She sniffled a bit.

"...I... I do... just... dont do that again..."

I shifted a bit laying my head on her shoulder. I watched as Soarin was digging through cabinets across from my moms bed. I looked to her and just saw her out of it. Motionless. I held Gilda close holding back more tears. Even watched as Soarin brought a little container over to my mothers face and open it before wafting what ever was in it towards my mothers face. Next thing you know she started to cough and sit up as Soarin pulled the container away and cap it again. Mama Spitfire groaned a bit holding her head. She looked to Soarin as he lied her back down. "...Soarin..? The fuck happened....?" She asked. Then she gasped a bit opening her eyes wide. I hid behind Gilda. "RYDER! RYDER WHERE IS MY BABY?! IS MY BABY OKAY?!"

I could hear Soarin shush my mother as she panicked and screamed a bit. "Spitfire! Spitfire calm down!" He snapped. "She's fine! Ryder's okay! Gilda! Give Ryder to her mother!"

I grabbed onto Gilda holding her tight. Kinda screaming. "NO! NO NO!" I yelled. Gilda tried to pry me off of her but I just kept clutching. "NO! I DONT WANNA GO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO!" I started crying even harder. Soarin ran around the bed and grabbed at me holding my arms into place and Gilda my legs. I struggled for a bit as they just put me on the bed with my mother. I scrambled to get off but Gilda pushed me back on and held me there.

I kinda covered myself bracing myself like I was about to get hit as my mother kinda reached for me before quickly grabbing me and hugging me. She shushed me a bit just stroking my mane a bit. May have wet myself more too. "It's okay Sweetie.... It's okay.... mommy's here... calm down now..." Mama Spitfire said. I coughed a bit and gagged HEAVILY. ...Actually to the point where I forced up some bile and got it all over mom. Soarin and Gilda both made audible grossed out noises but mom kept on shushing me. "....Oookay... Just calm down sweetie... Cant you see your making yourself sick...? Please calm down!""

"....N-NO! I hurt you! You're gonna hurt me!" I gagged a bit more. Dry heave. Mom shushed me and held me close, rubbing me with the vomit.

"No no! It's okay... If i wanted to hurt you it would've happened already... please dont scare mommy like that again..." I coughed a bit and that made me puke a bit more. Nothing but bile. I curled up in her arms as she shushed me more. "There we go... just... let it all out..." She shushed me more.

Soarin came over to us and rested a hand on the shoulder that DIDNT have my puke all over it. "There... All better...?" He said sounding kinda unsure. Spitfire nodded. "...Good... Now uh.. lets get you two into the showers and maybe get some food... One hell of a thing I never thought i'd have to deal with..."

Gilda coughed a bit. "... I'll just... I'll just get some water... See if I can keep that down at least after that..." She said.

After a shower and a quick meal I was sitting in a brand new wonderbolts jumpsuit- which you could clearly see a thick diaper under- and I was inside the barracks about ready to go down for a little nap. Though... before I could get to sleep I had to sit in a bunk across from both Dash and Fluttershy. Dash was still a bit freaked out while Flutters was calm. Dash was kinda stripped down to her sports bra and her underwear while Fluttershy was still fully clothed. "....Dash? Isnt there something you wanted to say to Ryder?" Fluttershy asked.

Dash moved part of her mane out of her face, still teary but tired looking. I blushed and just looked down at the ground. "...Ryder... I swear I was about to go home to tell your little sister you wont be coming back with me and AJ to find someone else to love..." She said. "...You scared the shit out of me AND Gilda! I had to have Fluttershy go out and get me a new pair after I threw the other away! You nearly gave your mother a fucking heart attack and I'm not sure how I'd even take that over your death if you went through with it!" Fluttershy looked at me. Yes I was still looking at the ground but... I could still feel the stare she does even when she's not using it.

"And you Ryder?" I didnt wanna say anything. Both the fear of crying and puking up what I ate and a fear of them- Dash specifically- not believing an apology. "Aww c'mon... At least say something... please?"

I knew this wouldnt go anywhere until I did say something. I took a deep breath, looked up and huffed. "...Dash... Flutters... I... I'm sorry I scared you two... and.... everyone else here..." I said. "I just... I guess I needed a good slap in the face, a hug and a shower to realize what i'd be leaving behind...." I looked to Fluttershy more. "...And Flutters... I apologize for threatening you with that knife... I... that wasnt me that wanted to do that.... sure I held it but.... I was under some dark control..."

"Well we're all okay now arent we? No bad feelings here?" I teared up again whimpering. Fluttershy got up from the bunk and grabbed me pulling me onto her and Dash's lap. "There there.... No more tears... just breathe.... Want me to sing you a little lullaby so you can sleep with Dashie?" Dash just made an audible groan. I couldnt help but give a smile and giggle. "Oh? Did I hear a laugh?" She pulled me and sat me up on her lap. "You sure you dont wanna cuddwe wif Dashie? She was vewy wowwied about you!" Dash groaned again. I giggled yet again. "Go on! Give her a hug!" I crawled over and just latched onto Dash giggling a bit. She hugged me and patted my padded but. "Oh and before i forget... Does Rainbow SPRINKLE want a diapie?" I looked to Fluttershy shocked as Dash jumped giving a little scared yelp.

My cousin whimpered a bit. "...Y-you heard that didnt you....?" She asked. Fluttershy nodded blushing a bit.

"I knew since we were kids Dash..." The pink maned mare averted her gaze. "I knew it bothered you when someone called you that but... I couldnt help myself there... Sorry..." Dash sighed gripping me a bit tighter.

"It's okay... Just... please dont call me that often please... and... yeah... I kinda would like a diaper... One accident can mean anothers on the way... Wanna be ready... And... maybe find me some pants to wear over them? ...I dont want Soarin to see me like that...." Flutters giggled.

"Alright. I'll go see if I can buy you a new pair of sweat pants and a teeshirt. Spitfire might give me a discount if her son- uh... child... is our friend right?" I felt Dash shrug.

"Not sure but... we should probably get her down for the count before anything... Kinda wanna pick them out before buying... Lullaby time?" Fluttershy grabbed me from Dash's arms and held me like a baby. Hand on my butt keeping me up and one hand on my back to keep me from going backwards. She started to sing and just rock me gently. I gave a large yawn drifting in and out getting sleepier and sleepier with each soothing note. Soon she lied me down in a nearby cot and covered me up with a blanket still singing her lullaby. She stopped singing and kissed me on the forehead. I struggled to stay awake and watched as Fluttershy helped Dash into a red bathrobe and walk away. Dash looked back at me before I just checked out.

As I slept I heard something... And I couldnt react any way. Couldnt scream, couldnt move and couldnt even wet or shit myself. "...Lucky my daughter severed that tie... I almost had you..." An echoey voice said. Couldnt tell whether male or female but... I knew who it was.... "She wont tell you... you wont remember or the ability to say about that tie... but i will have you... you even would've been a lovely little fuck-toy in that form.... too bad that window has closed.... Someone has given your cure.... stay asleep... say nothing... do nothing... I... Will.... Have you..." And that was that. Woke up after a couple hours seeing Dash cuddling with me, I found mom outside, she changed me, we flew around together... Snuck off with Gilda, had a little sex on a cloud, went out with everyone, Celestia met up with us for a meal and... even commented on my size... Said I was as cute as Scootaloo and just about her size. Got a ride back to the wonderbolts area and cuddled with Gilda after doing one last flight around and cuddled with her that night. Wet myself a few times during the night, washed up and IMMEDIATELY when we get back to Ponyville I'm taken into the ponyville spa where I'm tossed naked into a bath and fucking hell it hurt when everything grew back. Muscles, height and my package. Felt like I was kicked in the nuts when they came back out... Weirdest thing was my mane was still pretty long but I kept it that way. Headbangers mop for a hard rocking guard pony. Not to mention it would make great for cosplay. Alley Brawlers 2. But that's a story for another day. Right now I'm just glad the hell is over.