The Asshole 4 One-shots S1 EP2

by mojowuq9

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Fetish, Science Fiction, Comedy, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1095

Twilight tries time travel and it fails. The 4 explain why it didn't, and Salt.

Twilight tries time travel and it fails. The 4 explain why it didn't, and kick ass. Also, some Luna romance. Very little, actually.

Published 2018-08-17 10:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-17 10:50:01 UTC

Ep2

The 4, (Minus Baron, who was probably driving his tongue down Luna's throat) were walking down the most important street in ponyville, I.e., the one Twilight walks on almost every fucking day to solve a problem, which they are going to, to solve a fucking problem. What the fuck is going on? Well, you have 4 humans walking toward the tree, looping:

while being badass, in a line, Deadpool-style. Ponies could only look on the scene, 4 weird, bi-pedal, clothed creatures walking toward Twilights' tree, radiating sheer badassery so powerful, it was said 6 mares died from repeated orgasms. When they got to the tree, they strolled in, up the stairs, into Twilight's room, and Rogue 360 degree bitch slapped her. "The fuck, Twilight! You fucking idiot! I was told, by Celestia, that that issue had a 'hoofnote', on the front page, that told you 'Don't cast this. Seriously, don't I have no fucking clue how time travel works. I like this timeline.'. Okay, do you want to know how time travel works?" Rogue ranted, the others glaring disappointedly at the purple fucker.

"Bwuh?" Was Twilights cartoonishly-confused answer. After ten entire fucking seconds, Brain.EXE reboot itself. "O-Okay...You must be the Princess's 'Masters', right?" They nodded, but inside they were horrified. Seriously? Jesus, they knew she was a little enthusiastic to give them their 'reward', but, damn, she's depraved. Poor thing must love submission, and because of her status, is never able to satisfy the need to be dominated. Anyways.... "About that question? Yes, I would love to know how time travel works!" She gleamed, her tail swishing happily.

"Okay....... Uh, Rogue, start us off. We're all shit at starting stories, but you're marginally better, so I'ma pull a Celestia and dump my problems onto a poor soul, friend." Tallair said while scratching Twilight, who was thumping her right hindleg on the ground like a dog.

"Fuck you. My Fetish is Domination, so I'll be the one doing Celestia." The others attempted to reply, but stopped when they realized he was right. "Now. Where were we..... Ah, yes. *Inhales* Time travel doesn't work. At least, not the way you want it to. When you go back in time to change something, nothing changes, because you've already changed it before you went back in time." Twilight wrote this down, and levitated it over to her desk. "Now, were going to fuck off, because were going to a wedding. Oh, here you go." Rogue said, handing Twilight a letter, then yeeting out a window, dieding it, while 3 new holes in the wall were created by the other three. They head back to Canterlot.

"Sir, what is your purpose her-" The guard was ignored, and the walked straight into the castle, to Celestia's chambers, and right in, the guards doing jack shit, because they know that resistance. Is. Futile! They walk in, and..... Goddammit. There she is. I'm not going to describe it. I'll give you some words. Figure out what this looks like:
-Rope
-Leather Muzzle
-Saddle
-Tail ring (To keep it raised)
-Horn Ring (How'd she get that on?)
-Reigns
-A Whip
-Waaaaaaaay too many vibrators. Like, 15 of them. Jesus, how durable is your body? Fuck, you'd die!

"Get out of that. Jesus, you're a depraved slut." Rogue gestured to her, while stating the obvious in a 'what the fuck?' voice.

"One: Fine. Two: *Purr* I want to be." She replied with bedroom eyes.

"Nope. Your body's mine."

"Do you think my body's a prize?"

"Well, you sure as hell treat it that way."

"Can't argue with that. Uhh... could you help me with getting out of this?"

"Nope. Your punishment, pet. See you later." And they left. Celestia, after 5 minutes, eventually got the horn ring off, and proceeded to get the other shit off, and place it carefully in a closet. Damn. Oh well, she had a wedding to prepare for.

----Two Days Later----

Finally! Everything is in order! Th wedding is done, a massive, pink bubble shield is projected around the city, Twilight has already flipped her shit, and Captain Incompetent's wife is a cunt. Not an asshole, for that's different, she's a cunt. "I can taste the salt from here." Steve says as we see Cadence being a dichunt, destroying shit, making ponies cry. (dichunt is a Dick Douche Cunt, pronounced Di-sh-unt.) "Fuck, even we're not that bad. We make people angry. At us. Or someone else. That works too. But, we're annoying. We don't destroy not buildings' walls. That's being a cunt, and that's a line we never cross. Also, the fact her eyes keep shifting is a dead giveaway she's a shapeshifting imposter. Normally, she's have a round in her skull, but I'm smart. We will wait, and stay hidden so we can be fucking heroes." They agree, then go to get a bite to eat. They had to spend their bets on something. The food at the castle was free, the rooms were too, so they had a lot of money, and absolutely nothing to do with it. Hmm... I'm at 853 words.... Shit, better start describing. The streets themselves were concrete, a huge upgrade from the shit they had to walk on in Ponyville. Actually, they know the reason why. That town is a problem magnet like New York in every fucking superhero movie. Seriously, do those movies happen anywhere else? (Gotham is New York.) Anyways, the shops were organized, and actually sold items that were useful together, in the same store! That shit was revolutionary for ponies born and raised in Ponyville. There was literally a store called 'Quills and Sofa's' that sold quills and fucking sofas. Absolutely nothing else. How is that store open? Anyways, they walked through the modest streets of the city, they saw where they wanted to go. Right on the edge, I mean, so close that if you fall out a window, it's a 300-meter drop, close. Like, don't trip near the door, or you'll break a rib. Or two. Or every fucking bone in your body will be turned into fucking oatmeal close. Anyways, they walk up to the cafe, Pony Joe's, walk in, buy food, and sit down. Just as they are about to eat, Sargent Salt walks in. "Fuck sakes, comrade." Baron comments, Salt shooting him a glare, which he ignores. Well, time to deliver a kickass speech.

Author's Note

Yeah, slightly OOC Luna and Celestia. Also, timeline is totally different so I don't have to watch the show. Enjoy.

Play Dwarf Fortress.