The Asshole 4 One-Shots S1 EP3

by mojowuq9

Rating: mature
Tags: Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Profanity
Length: 1070

Sargent Salt (Princess Cadence) encounters an angry Rogue, gets roasted, and attempts to take over Equestria.

Sargent Salt (Princess Cadence) encounters an angry Rogue, gets roasted, and attempts to take over Equestria. Yeah, fuck off, Salt.

Published 2018-08-23 11:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-23 11:30:01 UTC

Ep3

Author's Note

Oh, I'm gonna be removing ratings, mostly so people read my fucking story rather than bandwagoning and saying, "Look at all these dislikes. Better add to the number." Like seriously, read the fucking story, state what the fuck is wrong, then dislike a make my non-existent life miserable. Good day. Oh, here's the fucking story you probably don't care about.

Ep3

Cadence just walked in. 'God damnit.' Rogue thought. She ordered a doughnut, took a bite, and spit it in Joe's face. 'That's it. You're fucking done.' "Hey, bitch!" She turned toward him, growling. "What the fuck? If you're gonna keep being a big cunt to literally every hard-working pony in this MAJESTIC, FUCKING ~~EAGLE~~ CITY!!!!!!! Then go fuck thyself upside-down and backwards. Down the throat, out the ass." She looks horrified, as if I did something wrong. "I did something wrong? You walk in here, broadcasting privilege like a fucking radio tower, with your horn so far up your ass it's coming out your head, defile this place, and the very good tasting food by spitting it in the owner's fucking face, and then act as if I done fucked up. What the fuck are you, even? Like holy, shit! Get some fucking manners! People here are choking on your 'I'm better than you' aura that makes everything worse. The only thing stopping me from mutilating your body and using you as a skin rug is the fact you're getting married. I'm an asshole, not a cunt like you, Salt. Now fuck off, and go cry yourself to sleep." Everybody's mouths were in the fucking basement. He just told off royalty, motherfuckers! Anyways, she goes to leave, but scoffs. I respond by shooting the wall an inch from her face. "Show some fucking respect, because next time, I won't miss." I say without looking at her. She walks out. After 10 seconds, everybody starts cheering.

"Good one, comrade!" Baron cheerfully tells Rogue, and the other 4, as well as the ponies, join in the praise. After it died down, and they ate, they left to go to the castle, because they were invited to the wedding. Halfway there, the shield breaks, apparently those black specs above it are invaders. They start dive-bombing the city, with a glowing green aura around them, that probably serves to make sure they don't deaded on impact. A swarm of 200 lands in front of them.

"Salt sent you, didn't she?" They nodded, and one of them told them not to call their queen that. He got a round to the face. "Well, how about you whatevers of unspecified genders allow us to pass, and we won't slaughter you?" They just hissed. "Well, you asked for it!" They drew weapons.
-Rogue=his 2 2017's
-Baron=his warhammer with a bear trap attached to it, the letters '40K' carved into the handle.
-Steve=his Steam Laser
-Tallair=his Femeblade with the 'Equal Rights' attachment, granting it x666 more damage to all genders
-Ov'r=2 'Die, motherfucker' pistols
-Joe=Soda Stein (From Soda Dungeon)
"Uhh...Why're you here?" Rogue asked the pony.

"Well," He said, standing on his hind legs, and clapping twice, his disguise cancelling, to reveal the Tavern Owner. He was wearing a white dress shirt with a red, striped vest over it, with a black bowtie. He was wearing dress pants with a black belt, his shirt tucked politely. He had green eyes, slicked back brown hair, with a glorious Handlebar mustache. Soda Stein looked like a steampunk kettle. "Because I'm aching for fighting, after the warrior's dimension, where the hero stopped fighting. I got transported here after the tavern closed due to lack of customers. So, I'll fight with you. Oh!" He said, retrieving various bottles of coloured fluid, marked 'Vigor Swig' 'Constitution Cola' and 'Sip of Vitality'. He handed the drinks to them, and they drank it. They checked their stats, noticing the health, damage, and health regen boost. The creatures were just staring at them. "Now, let us smite Changeling ass." They all get a notification that they are all in a single party, called the '6 dicks'.

"Shit. We don't need a series change right now.." Rogue commented. Nobody heard him. The Changelings started to bolt toward us, but the Owner used an ability, Closing Time, causing big-ass hatches to appear on top of every Changeling and close, killing them instantly, dropping bits. No EXP, because Owner's world doesn't work like that. "Fuck sakes! You could've left something for us! Thanks!" Rogue yelled.

"Ahh, but they dropped essence, which I can use to upgrade the sodas." He upgrades the soda's by five levels, giving them an extra 15 hp. Not a lot, but it will stack.

"So, it is Salts' wedding. Considering she's a shapeshifter impersonating a probably decent person, she's probably planning to take over Equestria, and other cliche villain shit." Rogue explained.

"But comrade, how will we attack? She would of had to of beaten Celestia." Baron asked, a good question, good enough for an answer.

"Well, I'll distract her while you sneak around to slay her ass."

"Okay, comrade." They jogged to the castle, killing changelings along the way. They split up, Rogue going straight to the throne room. Running in, he Reaper'd the changelings, killing all but the probably leader, using a useful trick, pretending to run out of ammo. He asked the killer question.

"Why are you doing this?"

--5 minutes later--

The Changeling leader, Chrysalis, was still ranting about ponies, slavery, 'n' shit. His HUD reported something. He opened it.

[ENERGY SIGNATURE DETECTED]
[SEARCHING]
[WARNING!!!!! SIGNATURE CONSISTENT WITH A MEGASPELL CHARGE!!!!]
[EVACUATE!!!! SIGNATURE INCOMING!!!! ESTIMATED TIME.....]
[10 SECONDS!!!!]

Rogue instantly contacted the rest of the group, telling them they're going to die unless they stand still. They do so, and Chrysalis teleports away, along with the rest of the Changelings. He shatters a jar on the ground teleporting the 6 dicks to the base of Mount Canter, with Celestia and Luna unconscious on the ground. Rogue orders someone to carry them, which Baron and Tallair do, and he yells to run as a green sphere strikes Canterlot, obliterating it in a massive explosion. The explosion is so powerful, it just vaporizes the city, killing Twilight and her friends, destroying Discord's statue, but not the elements. Also, the shockwave causes them to stumble, but nothing else. Rogue is the only person who says something. "Shhhhhhhhhit."