Chapters “ Sugar sweet,” twilight says when she is ensconced back in her castle, “since you are my temporary secretary, can you make me some coffee please? I’m pretty tired considering it is 5:41 AM in the morning.”
Sugar sweet is a sweet pony and she happily make the coffee. Don’t worry, twilight sparkle pays her well for her time as her secretary. Twilight isn’t a cheap monster or anything.
Twilight sparkle drink some coffee. She gags and add some more cream and sugar. She isn’t really a big coffee person. She’s more N2T (into tea). Not just because she copies her Idol Celestia. She really just isn’t into the taste of coffee that much.
Now that she is more awake, she asks sugar sweet, “so why do you think our names are not being capitalized correctly?”
Sugar sweet replies: “I suspect the author is using voice to text to write this story on his phone.”
Twilight sparkle is surprised by this non-diegetic answer. She figured that Faust almighty was just trolling them or something. Sugar sweet counters that deification of Lauren Faust is a tired and overplayed trope.
“No,” sugar sweet continues, “no benevolent goddess warmly sees to it that our days are golden and ripe with opportunity. We are far removed from such a kind entity. Now we are at the mercy of a mad god with a little to lose and nothing to gain.”
“Well that is depressing,“ said twilight sparkle. “I do wish you would at least capitalize our names though.”
“ well,“ said sugar sweet, “The least we can do is politely ask him to start capitalizing our names correctly. The most he can do is listen.”
So twilight beseeched the author: “Oh great and mighty Super Trampoline, I know you are using voice to text, but please take the time to capitalize our names correctly. Is that really that much to ask?“
Twilight sparkle has a problem. The second half of her name doesn’t seem to be capitalized. She needs a secretary to fix this. A secretary can look over her name and make sure that it is always capitalized properly. But where will she find a secretary? Ponyville doesn’t have any temp agencies are open at 5:16 in the morning. This means it’s time to visit another time zone. In fact an entirely different universe. It’s time to pay Paul McCartney a visit in the year of 1979. So she readies the time and space spell and soon enough she casts it. *POOF* and she is gone.
She lands in a field in... [checks notes] Scotland and checks her watch: July 1979. Perfect. Yes, her watch tells you what year and month it is. Pretty nifty really. It was one of those expensive watches she saw a in an infomercial. And since she was a princess she could afford to splurge a little bit.
Anyway she approached a farmhouse and found Paul McCartney recording the song “Waterfalls“ inside. No not the one by TLC. That’s a good song though. I will go listen to it soon.
Uh oh. So I keep changing the tense of the story. That’s no good. I need a secretary myself apparently.
Anyway twilight sparkle approaches Paul McCartney and knocks on his door. ‘Ello there purple horse. What do you fancy I can do for you?“
But twilight sparkle’s language just sounds like robot noises to him. “Beep boop bop?” she asks.
Fortunately, Paul McCartney has been working with drum machines and other nascent electronic music technology all summer, so he understands her perfectly fine. “ no you don’t need to call me Sir Paul McCartney, I haven’t been knighted yet. Are you saying I will be knighted with great honor in the future? That’s pretty cool. So why are you here, Sparkle Horse?”
Twilight sparkle explains to him in her robot language that she needs help because someone keeps improperly capitalizing her name. Or not capitalizing it to be precise. She needs a temporary secretary who can fix the issue and she hears that Paul McCartney has been working on a song about temporary secretaries.
Paul McCartney is so inspired by her beautiful horse language that he has a bunch of beeps and boops to the background of his song “Temporary Secretary”, transforming it into the weird instant classic it is.
Anyway, Paul tells twilight sparkle that she can borrow his secretary at Apple Music who happens to also be a horse, named sugar sweet. Her name hasn’t been capitalized lately either, but he figures the two of them can figure something out. So twilight sparkle makes her way to Apple Music which I assume is headquartered in London. There she finds a fellow Pony named sugar sweet just as Paul foretold. Before she left his farm by the way, she told Paul to reconnect with John Lennon. Sure, John may be a wife beater, but he is going to die soon. Twilight doesn’t tell Paul that part though. She’s cryptic that way. Anyway Twilight prepares another time and space spell, and she and sugar song jump back to present day Ponyville.
Twilight Sparkle looked around. She smiled. Her name was finally capitalized correctly. She looked over at her new secretary. Sugar Song’s name was also capitalized. What a triumph of capitalism. Get it? Nah just kidding capitalism sucks and makes me want to kill myself. Don’t worry I’m not going to. That was hyperbole.
“So,” Twilight says, changing tense again, “since I still have you for a few hours as my temporary secretary, do you think you could help me file some friendship school reports?”
Sugar Song was more than happy to. So she and Twilight Sparkle worked late into the early morning to finish those reports. They finally finished around 6 AM. Not bad considering they had only started the project like 10 minutes prior. Twilight didn’t really have any other things she needed help with, or at least things that a temporary secretary could help with, so she POOFed Sugar Sweet back to her regular place and time in Apple Records in London. The end.
Author's Note
