Good things sometimes come in paper bags
As she closed and locked the final window, the clasp latching with a satisfying click, Twilight let out a sigh that spelled out her relief that nothing had stopped her. That had definitely been an arduous trip. But, sadly, she was not done yet, and Twilight put down her saddlebag upon the table, before cautiously looking around the room and double checking her defenses.
Windows locked and curtains pulled? Check.
Anti-teleportation and soundproofing wards? Check.
Skrying redirection spell in place? Check.
Door closed, locked, and barricaded with a chair? Check.
Nopony hiding anywhere in the room, waiting for the right moment to strike? Double-check. Triple check.
After reassuring herself that yes, there was nopony around, that Spike was with the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Starlight was with Trixie doing heaven knows what with heaven knows who else, and that no one else could barge in, Twilight relaxed marginally, running a hoof through her hair before looking over to her saddlebag with an expression of unease and, dare she say it, shame.
The trip had been dangerous, difficult, and took several days by train, but she managed to do it.
She got *the* book.
And so, with only one more cautious, paranoid glance about the room, Twilight opened her saddlebag with no small amount of trepidation, before pulling the book free from it's confines, a mistake if there ever was one, the forbidden knowledge still wrapped up in the paper bag that she purchased it in.
29 bits worth of shame.
The not-so sacred text; Dating your Pegasus: A user's guide. Heck, even the title was questionable.
Just the thought of what it took and what it stood for brought an embarrassed warmth to her cheeks. The glances, the asking around to find what had to be the trashiest romance-book shop in equestria, the illusion spells and disguises required to keep the tabloids from finding out; It was a long and painful ordeal, but now, she could finally read it, and get this whole... situation figured out.
She knew what she wanted, knew what she desired. The only thing she was lacking was the know-how to make her desires a reality.
And so, she pulled the book from it's bag, and got a look, a real look, at it's cover. The skin was a gaudy light green, it's title in the most dreaded of fonts; Comic sans. And the picture that adorned it's cover was a picture of a Pegasus, proud and majestic, their mane attractively swaying through some unseen breeze, their face surprisingly androgynous, held in the most stereotypical of dramatic lights and looking proudly into the horizon.
It was awful.
Hideous.
But, it was her only hope at this point.
And so, after a moment of marveling at it's cover and what it represented, Twilight cracked it open, hearing the creak of the book's virgin cover being bent and opened for the first time. And normally, the noise would've brought shivers of glee down Twilight's spine, but now, it only brought dread.
Twilight only took a moment to process this, taking only two glances over her shoulder as she waited for her unease to subside.
But once it did, she looked at the first chapter.
Chapter One: What to expect from your new partner.
The statement was final; as if, yes, you were already bonded for life, nay, for all eternity.. And while Twilight didn't have a fear of commitment, she still found herself fearing that sort of finality. Her situation was already unorthodox as it was, and such permanence didn't calm Twilight's flailing nerves.
No, it couldn't be permanent already; That would defeat the entire purpose of dating. If one knew immediately that they were meant to be there would be no need; Dating's sole purpose was to find out if the other party was a suitable partner, after all.
So why start the first page for dating with something sounding such like an ultimate final end to one's independence, their own lack of romance?
There was an easy answer. The author was a hack, writing idealized garbage that made the reader fill with feel-good emotions, allowing for more sales.
It was pragmatic, if anything.
Oh well, it was just a book, right? What did it know. And, on the off chance that it wasn't written with money in mind, that the author wasn't trying to cater to the romantically desperate, it clearly wasn't written with each reader's situation in mind either, just holding a generalized belief of the usual situation, the situation being couples who didn't understand their partner's needs. As such, Twilight forced herself to nervously giggle at her condemnation of the book's assumptions, as well as her own, before reading the first couple lines.
Hello, and welcome to the guide for dating Pegasi, Unicorn edition. In this book-
Blah blah blah, she knew what it was for; she got this book to help her, not to go around in circles, reminding her of her own shame. As such, Twilight quickly skimmed the next few lines, checking for facts and ideas that will be useful. And, luckily, the book actually had a basic itinerary inside.
Following this book, you'll learn the following skills:
How to understand Pegasi body language,
Physical intimacies and you,
Pegasi culture and other significant information,
How to preen your partner,
And more!
The preening guide would be helpful, without a doubt. Twilight still couldn't preen herself worth crap, let alone preen others, so hopefully, the guide would be idiot-proof. And, as for the others, well, knowing them couldn't hurt, either. Especially the cultural bit; Twilight was born and raised in a nearly Unicorn-centric city, she didn't know any pegasi culture beyond the standard First feather necklace.
And she only knew that due to Fluttershy nearly tearing her head off for trying to throw away the remains of her first molt. A surprise to be sure, having the *nice* one act like you'd done something horrible for no explained reason.
Twilight returned to the book, but found that the rest of the chapter was bland, only explaining the barest of basics; Pegasi were almost strictly monogamous, capable of flight, liked to move around often, etc. The knowledge was nothing new, not in the least, but it did help put Twilight at ease, allowing her to dip her hooves into the waters before the metaphorical shock of the cold would come in.
*Creeeeeeak*
Twilight froze at the noise, before immediately turning around to look for a intruder. But, try as she might, she didn’t spot a soul, and she let out a sigh. She was just being paranoid. There was no way anypony could get in. And she had much more important things to do, such as reading through this *book*.
And so, she returned her eyes to the book once more, and read the next line.
Pegasi, as a race, are extremely flexible, often able to contort themselves into small spaces, or even fit through entrances a normal pony couldn't fit through.
Twilight made a small pause at that tidbit, intrigued. It made sense; How else would they be able to preen their own wings without incident? Twilight pondered this for a moment, before mentally cataloging it for further thought. Might be useful later. What other mysteries could this book hold?
Maybe this book wouldn't be so-
"Heya Twi!"
The unexpected voice was from the literal worst pony it could’ve been from, and Twilight barely managed to let out a squeal before she found herself tackled, the book falling from her magical grasp and landing, blessedly, face-down.
"How's my favorite egghead?"
Twilight was unable to answer, as her "egghead" as it were was locked in Rainbow Dash's very tight one-legged hug, the other hoof rubbing the top of her head in a fashion not unlike a noogie, the mare's inexplicably fluffy feathers pillowed into Twilight's back.
"So, anyway, here to tell ya that we're gonna hang out all day today. So, get your hooves ready, sparks, and I'll be back in an hour!"
And, with that, Twilight was released, and fell over. And, for a moment, she couldn't be bothered to pull herself up, instead sitting on the ground dazed and confused.
But, once she regained her wits about her, Twilight sat up, and did a rapid, almost rabid check of the room. Rainbow Dash had left as she had came, mysteriously, and none of the doors or windows were opened. Nor was there a Rainbow Dash shaped hole in her wall.
Dang it, she'd be trying to figure that out all day. And so, Twilight glanced over to the book of nope, her expression tight, before wrapping it back in the paper in which it was held, and after a moment of contemplation, cast a powerful notice-me-not spell on it before putting it on a shelf that normally held Spike's children books. She'd just have to read it later, but in the meantime, she had to get ready for Rainbow Dash.
Twilight barely managed to stumble back into her library, her legs, back, and wings sore from both her attempt to hang out with Rainbow Dash, and her trip up the countless flights of stairs her home held after being completely exhausted. As such, she couldn't help but let out an tired sigh as she collapsed upon one of the several bean bag chairs that she kept around the library for visitors and the young. Dash's bonding was rough. It was all "Fly here" and "catch this" and "stop screaming you'll wake the dead".
But now, she was free. No longer did she have to suffer under the yolk of her oppression. And instead, Twilight was now free to read a book about her oppression.
Joy.
And so, with that in mind, Twilight went about re-securing her library. Locking the doors and windows, casting wards, scanning magically for a hidden Rainbow Dash; After several minutes, she was done, and cautiously, nervously went back to Spike's shelf of books and grabbed the book from where she left it, and unwrapped it once more, carefully placing the paper aside for when it was needed next.
The title was still ugly, the mare/Stallion was still questionably gendered, the subject matter uncomfortable. But, on the bright side, she did manage to get past the first chapter, so that was something.
And so, she reopened the book, and flipped the next chapter.
Chapter Two: Physicality and you.
As you probably have already noticed, unlike Unicorns, Pegasi are a very physical aligned race, very much like earth ponies. But, unlike earth ponies, who's preferred habits and methods are based on reliability, steadiness, and continual effort when showing affection, Pegasi are instead based more on impulsion, intensity of feeling, and physicality, zipping to and fro as they attempt to show affection, be it platonic, or romantic.
Twilight found herself nodding a bit at the opening statement of the chapter. It totally made sense; Dash, even when only being friendly, was a very passionate being, often randomly imbuing interactions with hugs, tackles, noogies, and the like. Even Fluttershy could be too, if excited or in a particularly good mood.
With that thought validating the book's current subject, Twilight resumed.
Due to this, a Unicorn or Earth pony can often find themselves overwhelmed while in a relationship with a pegasi, unable to keep up with the often maniac highs and lows their newfound partner engages in when interacting with them. So, in the chapter, we've listed several common complaints and solutions for common problems, as well as ways to improve your own relationship with your partner, be it either new ways to show affection that a pegasi will naturally recognize, methods to recognize what they are feeling, or ways to tone down your partner's zealotry to more manageable levels.
Finally. What Twilight truly needed to know. There was an actual pang of excitement from the Alicorn, and she felt a grin grow as she delved into the forbidden text.
Complaint number one: The Pegasi cuddle-oven.
The very title made Twilight's enthusiasm die rapidly and brutally as she found herself staring at the phrase for several moments. Of course, she almost forgot that she was reading a trashy romantic aid book, one very much akin to the trashy, almost scandalous magazines Rarity read, made novel.
A common complaint of Non-pegasi is the fact that Pegasi are aggressive cuddlers. Now, normally, this wouldn't be a major problem, if not for the fact that pegasi are naturally resistant to heat and cold. As such, for a non-pegasi, a pegasus's wing-embrace can feel very much like the name implies, an oven, cooking you on warm nights together.
Made sense. But also not at all what she got the book for. If she was looking for techniques, she would've gone to Rarity for Faust's sake.
As such, Twilight scowled, and skimmed ahead to the next portion. Truly, the next bit will be far better for-
Erect wings; What do they mean, and when?
Nope. This book would be the end of-
"Heya Twilight! Whatcha readin'?"
At the shout, Twilight's heart literally skipped several beats, the very organ not restarting until the source of the voice poked her in the back of the head with an amused prod.
And, like that, her reflexes kicked in, and Twilight forced magic into her horn, the book being yanked away from Dash with all the speed a reflexive magical pull from a Alicorn could muster, before it flashed out of reality with a teleportation spell, the book getting sent to the one place Twilight had ever bothered remembering for a remote item transfer.
Princess Celestia. Hopefully it would be directed away from the monarch.
"Oh! Nothing! Just... uh, a book!"
There was a moment of silence at that, as Rainbow Dash stared blankly at Twilight.
"Yeah, I'm not buying it. But! It doesn't matter, 'cause we're gonna go for another flight!"
Dash's words didn't sound like a suggestion. It sounded more like a command.
"Oh, uh..."
It was now that Dash's expression turned sinister.
"Unless you wanna go and show whatcha got...?"
There was only one answer for that.
"Let's go flying!"
Author's Note
I'm kinda/sorta publishing the stories I came up with, and have finished bits I can work with, yet have been sitting in my stories archive for, like, ever.
Another little bit of a story, this one with an actual plan.
Now, if only I understood this plan. Eh, I'm sure with some effort, I'll figure it out.
