Author's Note
With thanks to Paula for the inspiration to write this story.
Apple Pie Disorder
“The what now?” asked the orange earth pony, staring wide eyed at her pink friend who was pattering her hooves excitedly up and down on the spot.
“Oh silly – I said I’ve just heard that Princess Celestia will be leading the Summer Sun celebration in Ponyville tonight…
“Yup, got that bit” replied Applejack.
“And the Mayor wants us to bake an enormous apple cake for everypony!” she spilled out excitedly.
“You sure ‘bout that, Sugar Cube?” came the drawled reply.
“Oh yes, Yes, YES!” bounced Pinkie Pie, completely unable to control her excitement.
“Only we’re running a mite low on apples this year. I’d best check with Granny Smith first, but if you’re sure this is fer real, then I’m sure we can help – it’ll just about finish up our stock till the next harvest though.
“Oh thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!”
Applejack smiled at her friend’s unbridled enthusiasm, shaking her head gently as Pinkie bounced off towards Sugar Cube Corner to continue making her plans.
The orange farm pony strolled across the courtyard of Sweet Apple Acres still bemused by her friend’s insatiable enthusiasm and the prospect of shifting all the apples remaining from the last apple bucking. There were still the cider apples of course, but they had been left to ferment and so weren't fit to be sold.
“Hey Apple Bloom” she called in the direction of the red bow she could see bobbing behind the log pile.
“What is it Sis?” replied the yellow filly raising her head to peer back at her.
“That Pinkie – she’s got it into her head to bake an enormous apple cake for everypony in Ponyville on account of Princess Celestia coming down for the Summer Sun celebrations. I think she might need some help – could be an interesting job for you and your pals. Just got to talk it through with Granny Smith now and we’ll be good to go.”
“Oh wow!” the filly bubbled “Perhaps we’ll get giant apple cake baking cutie marks! Tell me Sis, how would that cutie mark look different from just a regular apple cake baker, huh?”
“I don’t know Sugar Cube” she chuckled “But I'll wager it’s something you haven’t tried before.”
Later, once Granny Smith had given her approval, three best friends staggered to pull carts full of apples into town.
“Hey Sweetie Belle” called the yellow filly “Have I got my cutie mark yet?”
The white unicorn peered over her friend’s flank that remained stubbornly blank.
“Not yet” she replied optimistically, trying to turn her own head around far enough to see her own flank, but already anticipating the same result.
Discussions about when they were going to get their cutie marks and what they would finally look like dominated their conversation until they rounded a bend and finally saw sugar Cube Corner ahead of them, invigorating their hoofsteps over the last few yards.
The clattering sound of three carts suddenly stopping in unison outside the bakery brought Mrs Cake out to admire the haul of mixed rosy red, pink and bright green apples almost lost behind the wide smiles of three tired fillies, all happy in the knowledge of a good job well done, even if it hadn’t caused their cutie marks to appear.
“Well dearies, look at you” she greeted “And such a lovely haul of apples, just right for this big job we’ve got on. Come on in and help yourself to a cake of your choice as a reward.”
At this, three smiles suddenly spread even wider and the fillies trotted happily into the shop to claim their prizes.
“Oh Pinkie” called Mrs Cake as she followed the fillies in to the shop “Would you like to take a break from icing the cupcakes and treat our young guests to something nice?”
“Yes indeedilly” came a familiar voice from the bakery, followed very shortly afterwards by a happy blue eyed pony wearing an apron covered in all colours of confectionary.
“So, what have you fillies been up to that makes you our very special guests today then? No, no, let me guess! Is it something to do with apples?” she smiled conspiratorially.
“Come and have a look!” urged Scootaloo “We’ve just brought three cartloads of apples all the way from Sweet Apple Acres.”
“… They’re the last of our stock” said Apple Bloom waving a forehoof over them all.
“… And they’re really yummy” added Sweetie Belle through a mouthful of shiny red apple.
Her two friends looked at her with an admonishing look in their eyes.
“What’s wrong?” asked the guilty looking unicorn filly “Somepony’s got to make sure they’re good enough for such an important job.”
“Well, I’m sure we’re not going to miss one, and maybe two more” said Pinkie cheerily, picking up a pink apple and a green one, passing one each to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom for their approval “… just to check that all the colours taste gooood!”
Having restored the balance between the three friends, Pinkie led them back into the shop to claim their rewards; a selection of the yummiest and sweetest treats known to Ponyville.
“Oh, Pinkie dear” trilled Mrs Cake “Mr Cake and I have to see about Pound and Pumpkin, so won’t be here to do the baking. We've already had to tell the Mayor that we don't have the capacity to make one cake big enough for all of Ponyville, so you'll have to bake in shifts - as soon as one batch is finished, pop in another one. Even with both ovens filled to the top each time, it's going to take hours. It's a lot of work and it's a very important job, so don’t be afraid to say if you think it might be a bit much for you.”
“No problem, Mrs Cake” beamed their supremely confident assistant “Like, what could possibly go wrong when I’m in charge?”
“I know” said Mrs Cake nervously under her breath “What indeed?”
“Don’t worry Pinkie” chipped in Mr Cake “We can stay just long enough to give you a hoof offloading the apples with you.”
Once all three cartloads had all been emptied into the waiting vat, the expert bakers departed, Mrs Cake throwing a troubled last look back over her shoulder at their eager assistant, feeling a deepening sense of impending doom. Pinkie was oblivious and bounced back into the shop with a broad smile across her face.
“Soooo” she began “I’m going to need some deputies to help me out now I’m on my own – are you three up for it?”
The three fillies looked up, muzzles covered respectively in buttercream, sprinkles and chocolate frosting, their expressions making it clear that they didn’t have to be asked twice.
“Cutie marks for cake baking?” suggested Scootaloo, and all three let out a loud cheer, pushing aside their empty plates and trotting off to follow Pinkie out into the bakery.
“All righteee my little deputy cake makers, first thing is we add water and some sugar to the apples …” Pinkie was interrupted by a white foreleg waving enthusiastically in the air “Oh, OK Sweetie Belle, you go do that and the rest of us will make the yummy crumbly cake mixture.”
So while Pinkie Pie set about pointing out where the eggs, flour, baking powder and all the other ingredients were to her attentive deputies, the white unicorn had made her way to the vat to prepare the apples as she had been told.
Finding the water was easy; it just came out of the hose when you turned the tap on. The vat heater was pretty easy too; just a big red switch that was labelled ‘vat heater’, so she switched it on and added the water, then went off in search of the sugar. This, she could tell was destined to present more of a problem, as it would have to be found among the organised chaos in the back of the bakery.
After some rummaging she found a bag that looked about right and levitated it in her green aura before her as she trotted happily back humming a merry little tune. At the lip of the vat she paused, magically ripped the top off the bag and emptied its contents onto the apples simmering beneath, then trotted back to see her friends hard at work getting covered in flour and joined in with a giggle.
Once the cake mix was ready, Pinkie prepared to decant the apples and poised ceremoniously to take one final taste test to confirm that the apples were good to go. It was a formality really; she knew they would be good, but it provided an opportunity to add some suspense to the creative process.
She reached over the lip of the vat and dipped a ladle into the blanched apples, hooking one out theatrically and took a big bite, a smile already etched on her face in anticipation.
Pinkie grimaced and spat it out, extending her tongue and rubbing it frantically with her forehooves to try and get the taste off.
“Those are definitely not going in to the cake mix!” she declared as the Crusaders stared open mouthed.
“Sweetie Belle – can you show me the bag you got the sugar from please” she asked.
The white unicorn suddenly felt a horrible feeling growing inside her; she didn’t know what was wrong, but felt a creeping sense of unease as she led Pinkie to the discarded sack.
“Uh oh!” exclaimed the pink baker “I think I see what’s happened.”
She picked up the sack and turned it so that Sweetie Belle could read the writing on the front. The young unicorn’s eyes tracked across the simple four letter word ‘SALT’.
“Can we undo it?” asked Sweetie Belle hopefully.
“Nopey dopey, that’s not the way it works” said Pinkie “We’ll have to make a new batch.”
“But we can’t – there’s no more apples!” whimpered the white unicorn.
“And we can’t let everypony down, not after it's been promised” said Pinkie “Hmmmm …”
Pinkie Pie trotted back to the other two fillies and turned her attention to the yellow earth pony with the big red bow.
“Apple Bloom” she began, with an unnaturally false smile across her face “If, and I’m only saying ‘if’ here, but if we needed some more apples, then would you be able to help us?”
Well, it’s like I said before” she drawled “We ain’t got no more left. What we brung round was the last we had.”
Sweetie Belle finally caught up to her friends having been dragging her hooves guiltily. Her head was hung down and the yellow filly knew immediately that her friend was somehow in trouble, and that it was the kind of trouble that looked like it was only going to be resolved by getting more apples.
“Uh, wait one” said Apple Bloom “I might just be able to lay my hooves on a few more, seeing as it’s for such an important reason.”
“Okey dokey lokey” cheered the pink pony "Let's go - no time to lose!"
“Uh, no” cautioned Apple Bloom conspiratorially “I think it’s best handled by Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo an’ me. You’re probably better off not knowing where they’re goin’ to come from.”
“Sorry, what was that?” asked Pinkie, momentarily distracted.
“I said – you’ve probably got enough to do back here and we’ll see you when we get back.”
“Yes indeedly, see you soon!” replied Pinkie waving a cheerful forehoof as she turned to clean out the vat ready for another batch of apples.
“I goofed” admitted Sweetie Belle to her friends and relayed the whole sorry story as they pulled their empty carts back to Sweet Apple Acres.
“So where are you going to find more apples?” asked Scootaloo “You said there weren’t any left?”
“Over there” said the yellow filly pointing to an anonymous looking shed.
“Are you sure about this?” asked the young pegasus.
“Yeah, but load up real quiet like, just so as nopony notices, OK?”
Apple Bloom surreptitiously opened the shed door, praying that it wouldn't creak and beckoned the others to join her. They followed in quickly as their friend’s gestures suggested the need for urgency.
“Ooohhh - this smells awful!” gasped Sweetie Belle as she and Scootaloo recoiled from the strong smell in the shed.
“Stop making such a fuss girls” said Apple Bloom “It’s only what happens to the apples once they’re being prepared for cider is all. Do either of you have any better ideas?”
The orange and white fillies looked blankly at each other and shrugged.
“Well come on then, let’s load up and get back as quick as we can!”
When they opened the door again to sneak their filled carts out, the air smelled far sweeter than they had remembered and quickly left, closing the door behind them and making it look like it had never been disturbed.
They arrived back at Sugar Cube Corner to find Pinkie Pie waiting for them.
“Oooohhh goody – you’ve found some more, and not a moment too soon!”
They backed their carts up to offload them and Pinkie noticed on closer inspection they weren’t quite as appetising in appearance as had been the earlier batch.
“They smell a bit funny, but they’re definitely apples” she said “And I know a little trick that will make them seem as good as any others once they’re cooked. Come on, let’s get unloaded and start baking!”
This time, Pinkie double checked very carefully they were adding sugar and then slipped away to find another ingredient, one that would mask any concerns about the flavour of the apples. She peeked furtively over her shoulder a few times and checked her Pinkie Sense to make sure she wasn’t being observed, then dived behind the ovens and into a little used store room. She rummaged around for a short while before emerging with two brown earthenware jars identified in small letters as ‘100° proof’.
With one jar under each foreleg, Pinkie tiptoed back and pulled the cork from one jar with her teeth, emptying the contents over the cider apples in the vat. Then she looked at the other one, tilted her head to one side and thought for a moment before saying to herself “Yeah” and then proceeded to do exactly the same with the other jar.
Given the amount of cakes being made and the quantity of apples in the mix, her idea would have certainly masked any shortcomings flavour, but one jar would probably have been enough. What she had failed to appreciate was that the cider apples brought by the fillies were well down the path of fermenting and already had a significant alcohol content of their own as well. The second jar she added in her enthusiasm really sealed the deal; in most states of Equestria these cakes shouldn’t have been sold to anypony under 21 for legal reasons …
“Well girls” she said rejoining the excited fillies “I think I can safely say there won’t be any complaints about this batch!”
“What did you do?” they all asked.
“Trade secret” she smiled, winking and tapping the side of her muzzle with a forehoof “All I can say is they’re going to go down well!”
Now with renewed confidence, the fillies helped Pinkie complete the apple cakes and loaded them batch at a time into the oven. Before long, the most wonderful aroma permeated the bakery and spread through the shop and out into the street where it drew in a steady stream of customers from the crowds waiting to join in with the Summer Sun Celebration later that night.
When Mr and Mrs Cake returned, they found Pinkie and her three deputies still finishing baking the last few batches of cakes whilst simultaneously helping out in the shop trying to meet the unprecedented demand for apple cake. The funny thing was that although there was a long line waiting to be served, there were a lot of repeat customers and all seemed to be unusually happy; in fact many were singing songs rather loudly.
The fillies were thanked for their dedication and dismissed to enjoy the night’s festivities as they had been working hard all day. As soon as they got outside, the first thing they did was to look and see if they had cutie marks for apple cake baking or even apple cake selling, but were a little crestfallen that even after all their commitment, their flanks remained stubbornly blank.
However, their disappointment was temporary and they soon overcame their grief as they got into the holiday spirit and enjoyed the occasion among the surprisingly jovial throng of ponies in Ponyville. Even Cranky Doodle Donkey seemed in abnormally high spirits, wearing a particularly gaudy purple and violet bouffant wig that made him look like a caricature of Diamond Tiara’s Mom. Meanwhile, Spoiled Rich in her turn was letting her hair down giving a spirited rendition of dancing the funky chicken with Bulk Biceps as her partner.
When it came to the point of observing the sunrise, Ivory Scroll, staggered towards her podium, her legs apparently choosing to move in different directions from each other in a manner akin to a petulant supermarket trolley, forcing their owner to crawl. She clung to her podium to stop the world spinning quite so fast and gradually worked her way up it until her head could just be seen peeping out over the top, glasses askew.
She cleared her throat in readiness for delivering her speech.
“Fillies and gent ... gen ...” she began before dissolving in a fit of uncontrollable laughter and sliding down the podium onto the floor. She pulled an exaggerated straight face and tried to drag herself back up the podium again before becoming overtaken by a bout of raucous laughter and sliding back down into a heap on the floor.
Twilight, who saw improper adherence to procedure at such formal occasions to be a dereliction of responsibility stepped up to officiate in place of the Mayor who still lay giggling on the floor.
“Fillies and gentlecolts” she began as the assembled audience made exaggerated “ssshhh!” sounds in recognition of somepony sober taking charge.
“It is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” she proclaimed.
The audience was rapturous, partly because what she had said sounded important and they felt it merited such a response and partly because they just wanted to make a loud noise. Hooves drummed and cheers echoed like Twilight had just scored the winning goal in a crucial hoofball match. Unable to even think about getting herself heard above the hubbub, she smiled awkwardly and prayed that Celestia wouldn’t banish her for the disrespectful behaviour unfolding in front of her.
Still the tumult continued without respite and Twilight started to look increasingly annoyed. Even if she did open her mouth again now, she wouldn’t be heard and Celestia waiting patiently behind the scenes would miss her cue. A fear suddenly shot through Twilight’s mind; what if Celestia had heard the disorderly racket, given up and flown back to Canterlot? She had to act, and act fast.
The sober lilac Princess summoned a large, overstretched balloon above the melee of disorganised ponies in front of her and also a large shiny pin that she rammed into it with her magic, causing a sudden loud bang followed by silence. She allowed a smug smile to cross her face and then stepped forward to make the time honoured speech of introduction, but in the brief instant that she cleared her throat to speak, the startled ponies recovered from the shock and began to scream, those that didn’t scream joining in with shouting, just because they could.
Twilight facehoofed. Instead of shocking them into silence, she was now witnessing the beginnings of a stampede! Surely she would be in for a telling off from her former mentor following this fiasco …
There was nothing for it. A purple spark ignited at the tip of her horn and an aura spread out to cover the whole room freezing everypony it touched.
Silence.
“Ah hem!” Twilight cleared her throat once more “I don’t know why there have been scenes of such wantonness during this most important of celebrations, but I do know this festival means a lot to Princess Celestia and she has chosen to spend it with us, so this is no way to receive her.”
There was a pause while she waited for those listening to absorb what she had said, before continuing with the solemnity that befitted the occasion.
“In just a few moments, our town will be privileged to witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate the joyous return to us of Princess Luna on this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honour to introduce Her Royal Majesty, the Mare of Morning, Princess Celestia of Equestria, Protector of the Realm, Ruler of the Solar Court, Bringer of the Dawn, Empress of the Sun, and Diarch of the Day!”
She stood with her foreleg outstretched pointing towards the balcony where she knew Celestia was ready to make her entrance, before realising that nopony could pull the cord that would part the curtains to reveal her, because they were all frozen.
Twilight groaned and stomped off to cross the room and pull the cord herself, sensing that everypony was probably silently laughing at her. She reached the cord and tugged so hard that the entire curtain rail was pulled off and fell away to balance precariously on the edge of the balcony, revealing a frozen Princess Celestia ready to make her grand entrance. She groaned again – of course; she would have to have been frozen too, wouldn’t she?
Defeated by events, Twilight climbed up on to the balcony next to Celestia and addressed the crowd once more.
“Right! I know you can hear me, so all of you listen up! Playtime’s over. No shrieking. No screaming. No stampeding. I’m going to unfreeze you, and all I want from you is to show Princess Celestia the respect she is due, OK?”
She waited for a response, but then facehoofed once more as she realised that, of course, there wasn’t going to be one because they were all still frozen.
“I’m so sorry about this Celestia” she said to the ossified Princess “I really don’t know what’s gotten into everypony tonight. I know we’re all thrilled to have you here, but it’s like they can’t control themselves. I’m so, so sorry.”
Twilight stood back and lit her horn, casting the counter spell that released everypony who had been frozen.
All was quiet.
Celestia shook herself in preparation for making a short speech and raising the sun.
One by one, the ponies looking up noticed that the curtain Twilight had pulled off its mounts and hanging over the balcony was falling of its rail, one curtain ring at a time as the weight of the material dragged it down. Many of them saw what would inevitably happen and one at a time responded by giggling or trying with varying degrees of success to suppress louder chuckles, some nudging friends and pointing as the laughter spread.
“I just can’t trust you, can I?” stormed Twilight lighting her horn again and casting a magenta silence bubble over the rowdy outburst.
Silence fell again.
The white alicorn prepared to speak once more, but at that precise moment in another part of the audience somepony broke wind rather loudly causing outbursts of hilarity to break out throughout the crowd. Twilight, looking more like a haggard gunslinger than the Princess of Friendship fired her horn at each noisy or disrespectful individual in turn, leaving a silence bubble around each.
When it was all finally quiet again, Celestia looked out across the sea of magenta silence bubbles in the crowd before her and turned resignedly to the sharpshooting lilac pony by her side, “Tell you what Twilight, I’ll skip the speech this year and just raise the sun.”
Suddenly, the hard won silence was broken by a flooomph sound as the curtain finally slid off its rail and hit the floor, followed by a loud clatter as the curtain rail landed next to it.
Twilight felt her world crumbling about her as her former mentor carried out her duty under circumstances unparalleled in Equestrian history.
“I’m so, so sorry Princess” repeated Twilight over and over as she escorted her from the balcony “I would understand if you wanted to leave us and fly straight back to Canterlot."
“I will have to return soon as there are important matters to which I must attend” she said to her faithful student “But first, I simply must treat myself to a generous slice of that rather tempting looking apple cake …”
