Dr Whooves Becomes A Meth Cook

by RushyFiction

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Doctor Who, Violence, Dark, Doctor Whooves, Narcotics, Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 7155

Bored out of his mind after Derpy forbade him to use the TARDIS, Dr Whooves decides to team up with Twilight Sparkle and Spike to break bad and cook methoofmetamine. Doctor Who/MLP/Breaking Bad mashup.

The Doctor should never sit still for too long. Or else he gets the rather naughty idea of cooking crystal meth with a certain purple unicorn... hey, it's a hobby.
Can he retain his famous scruples and build a beautiful future with Derpy or is he destined to become Equestria's greatest criminal mastermind... Hoofenberg.

Published 2018-08-23 03:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-23 03:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Dust blasted through the air as a magically-pushed wooden cart rolled down the desert road with nopony pulling it. Inside the cart were three tied-up fillies who couldn't stop blinking and a little dragon who was rubbing his eyes.

"Doctor, I can't see anything!" Twilight Sparkle shouted and screamed as the cart hit a rock and jumped briefly. Dr Whooves held onto her. "For the love of Celestia, don't slow down!" he shouted back and turned to look behind them. His eyes widened as the blue pegasus was still on their tail. "She's gonna catch us! Twilight, I'm gonna need more speed! And turn left! No, NOT SO MU-!" Dr Whooves screamed as the cart ran off the road and broke apart in a ditch.

As everypony moaned in confusion, pain and nausea, the Time Lord threw off the planks of wood covering him and returned to the road, defiantly aiming his sonic screwdriver at the oncoming blue pegasus.

12 hours earlier...

Dr Whooves sighed, staring at the clock he was currently working on. This one was a particularly irritating case, as some filly had irreverently stuck it full of bubblegum and then tossed it down the stairs. The mechanisms were a complete mess. But that was not the reason he was tired. Clocks were child's play to a Time Lord. And that was the problem. He'd never felt this bored in his entire life.

Being the town clocksmith was as close as he'd ever get to honest work, but every second of his life passed dreadfully slowly at the sound of a thousand ticks at once from all the various timekeeping devices ready to be sold. Often, he simply had to distract himself by building increasingly intricate mechanisms for a variety of purposes: music boxes, works of art, even a rudimentary computer. Most of them would never be sold, but it helped to pass the time.

The reason behind the good Doctor's fatigue was simple: he was a family stallion now, and couldn't afford to risk his neck fighting space monsters or fend off the occasional flesh-eating shadow. Those days were past him now and his TARDIS gathered dust in the Whooves' living room. It was Derpy's one and only condition to accepting his marriage proposal - that he would not endanger himself or them by going offworld ever again.

"Dinky needs his daddy." She said firmly, looking as cross as she could with her one good eye. "I don't want you to come home five months later instead of five days, or worse, covered in burns from Dalek gunfire. I want you here. With us. You're ours for good now, Daddy Whooves."

Daddy Whooves. He loved that, and he loved his wife and daughter dearly, so he'd accepted, and locked the doors of the blue box. And now, life had grinded to halt... tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock...

Fortunately, the time had finally come to an end, and the pony gratefully closed down the store and left the mangled clock behind to deal with tomorrow. At least home, with his beloved Derpy and Dinky, he was never bored for a minute. Before he could head back though, as he was buying some groceries, a strange, yet... familiar smell caught his nose. Of course, with Time Lords, familiar is all relative - they had the capacity to recognise nearly any smell in the universe from its chemical composition. But this wasn't a smell that belonged to the rustic Ponyville, especially not the market.

It was very faint... his interest piqued now, Dr Whooves put on his saddlebag and abandoned the shopping for a moment to wander around and identify the odd scent. It was artificial... an unusual chemical... the slightest sensation of burning(something cooking?)... Whooves' first instinct was that it was a chemistry experiment drifting over from the nearby school, but the complexity of the chemical didn't add up.

Finally, he tracked the smell down to Twilight Sparkle's tree house, and relaxed. Of course. Twilight was a keen student of practically everything(in some ways, she reminded him of his young self) and it wasn't particularly surprising to notice her experimenting with chemistry. But something still bothered him, and he couldn't really tell what, so he decided to pay her a visit.

On the library door, a large sign read "CLOSED". Of course, she wouldn't want to be disturbed... but what was she doing? Why was it setting off some kind of an alarm in him? Hmm... well, he could always say he smelled something and got worried...

Dr Whooves pulled out his sonic screwdriver from underneath his collar, quietly unlocked the door and slipped in, making as little sound as possible. Interestingly, the experiment wasn't being conducted in the library itself. Putting his grocery bags down, Whooves quickly checked the upper floor, but there was no one there.

"Hmm..." He wondered whether he should risk turning the sonic on again to isolate the source of the chemical, but decided against it, mostly to avoid ruining the surprise. The Doctor loved surprises.

Finally, his nose led him to a bookcase. "A hidden door? Twilight, you naughty thing..." He mumbled and scanned the bookcase for the appropriate book to pull out. What would Twilight consider to be the most boring book of the bunch, that nobody would never-ever pick up from the shelf?

"A-ha... 'Daring-Doo Junior... everyone hated that one." On a whim, he pulled the book out. Nothing happened. "Evidently not enough." He grumbled and shoved the book back in, deep enough to activate a click, and force the bookcase to turn side-ways, revealing a tunnel and a stairway, illuminated dramatically with torches. The opening also sent a chemical whiff up into his nose. The sudden increase in potency easily enabled him to identify it. "Methoofmetamine! Twilight Sparkle's cooking meth! And here I thought life had no more wonders for me."

The Time Lord felt himself shivering with anticipation. Finally a mystery to solve, and not even a dangerous one(yet)! Leaving the grocery bag behind to avoid contamination, and taking slow, deliberate steps, Dr Whooves followed the torches down into an elaborate laboratory where indeed, Twilight Sparkle and her assistant Spike were busy at work concocting crystalline methoofmetamine. His grin dropped suddenly when he looked at the meth itself though. "Miss Sparkle, may I interrupt?"

Twilight squeaked and would've dropped the vial, if it weren't for her magic. Spike trying to go on the offensive. "Hey-hey-hey, the sign clearly said CLOSED!"

Whooves grinned. "Awwww, but I couldn't resist, especially since I could smell that all the way to the market! Not to worry though, got a special nose, I'm sure everyone's as oblivious as ever."

"A-are you gonna give us up?" Twilight asked quietly, her head lowered in shame.

"Me? Noooo! Why would I give you up? All you're doing is putting chemicals together, it's the idiots who actually snort the thing that need giving up." Whooves said in a jovial tone, and examined Twilight's equipment. "But you're not doing a very good job, are you?" He pointed his hoof at the packages of finished crystal. "I'm assuming all of that is headed for the trash bin."

Spike's eyes widened and he crossed his arms. "What do you know about cooking meth?"

Whooves rested his hoof on the young dragon's shoulder. "What don't I know about cooking meth? It's a fairly straightforward process. I've got a bit of time before I really need to get home, but I suppose I could give you a few tips."

"Would you, Doctor?" Twilight seemed to jump at the oppurtunity. She was perfectly aware of the Doctor's vast intelligence, and itched for an oppurtunity to work with him on something. "Would you really?"
"I don't see why not... supposing of course, that I get the proper credit and the bits that are my due." Whooves said, smiling.

Spike snarled. "That's it! He just wants to cut in on business!"

"He can take it out of my side of the payment, Spike." Twilight said, before turning to Dr Whooves. "I'm only doing this for a bit of a thrill, you know? But I'd love to know how to perfect the process."

"And I'd love to teach you something new! See? Everybody wins!" Whooves said and pounded his hooves together as he gazed at the laboratory. It was like a work of art waiting to be made.

Within a short period, Dr Whooves had taken complete control over Twilight's methoofmetamine lab, after spending 15 minutes advising his new pupil on how to properly decontaminate the area and seal it off to prevent the slightest leak of chemical smell, even perceptible enough for a Time Lord. The shift in power rendered Spike rather irrelevant, since now Twilight herself was in the assistant role. The little dragon, when not asked to hold something, sulked in the corner as the two brainiacs cheerfully rambled on about chemical reactions, the necessary amounts for this and that, environments and so forth...

After several hours, the new batch of methoofmetamine was finally complete and the three stared down at their own reflections in the glass.

"It's beautiful..." Spike mumbled as the Doctor reached for a hammer and stake to break it up, shattering their images.

"Doctor, this is truly incredible work." Twilight said in awe. Dr Whooves shrugged. "It's just chemistry. You're a clever girl, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time." The pegasus blushed at the compliment. Whooves looked at his watch. "Blimey, and the time's just gone and flown away from me. What time do you want us to hand over the product?"

Twilight turned to the dragon. "Spike, timetable?"

"Right!" Spike took out a notebook and checked Twilight's schedule. "Breakfast with Fluttershy... studying floral magic... visiting a school to talk about the Elements of Harmony... aaaand drug dealing at 11:00 PM Tuesday."

Whooves frowned. "Isn't today Tuesday?"

"Yep!" Spike said.

Twilight, realising what was on the Time Lord's mind, tried to reassure him. "You don't have to come with us, we'll hand it over and you can come pick up your cut whenever. Derpy must be worried already."

"Hmm... no, I'll come." Whooves said confidently. "I've got a few hours, I'll go back home and then you meet you all back here at 10:45. That good?"

Twilight frowned. "I guess." Ignoring her expression, Whooves trotted back up again, grabbed his saddlebag and left the treehouse. It was already dusk.

"He's hooooooooome!" Was the squeal that faced Dr Whooves as he set a hoof back into his house, shortly before it was tackled by little Dinky.

Whooves giggled as he struggled to get in. "Hello, Dinky!" He affectionately rubbed her head. Derpy trotted into the corridor with a disapproving look. "Timey? Where were you so long?" she asked, using her pet name for him. "The shop closed down 2 and a half hours ago."

"I went on a hike." He said and kissed Derpy on the cheek. "And... I got muffins!" Whooves pulled a paper bag full of warm muffins out of the bag, distracting his wife. He hated to manipulate her like this, but there was really no easy way to say that he'd been busy making drugs. Pony morality differed vastly from the more objective Time Lord perspective. Oh well, everypony had their secrets. He'd have nothing more to do with Twilight's admittedly dangerous operation anyway(mental note: give Twilight a stern talking-to about selling drugs).

After Dinky was finally put to bed, Whooves and Derpy relaxed on the sofa under a blanket and put on a movie. The stallion's eyes drifted to the clock. 9:55.

"Derpy..."

"Hmm?"

"Do you mind if I pop over to the Apples' Farm?" Whooves said off the cuff, picking the Apples' Farm as the place where he'd plausibly be the longest. "I was thinking of baking apple pies with Dinky in the weekend."

Derpy hugged him possessively. "What, now? Can't you go tomorrow? They're open all day."

"Well, I'm not waking up earlier in the morning, and if I go haggling tomorrow, it'll take away all the time we need to bake. And learn to bake. And throw apples around because that's how we rrrrrollll." He said, making her giggle and nuzzle him. "I'll be back in a jiffy." He said, before kissing her on the lips.

"Say hi to the Apples for me!" Derpy called from the sofa as he headed to the door. "Eeyup!" Whooves replied in a perfect imitation of Big Macintosh. He put on his finest green tie.

Twilight and Spike were already waiting in front of the tree house on a borrowed wooden cart, with a barrel of the methoofmetamine stacked on it. Whooves snorted as he saw them. "Well, a true gentleman will go far for a lady, but having to drag you all around is a bit of a stretch, no?"

The pegasus rolled her eyes. "Climb on, Doctor."

Raising an eyebrow, Whooves took Twilight's hoof and hopped onto the cart, which then proceeded to move on its own accord down the road. Twilight's horn was glowing.

"Very impressive." Whooves said genuinely, being unfamiliar with magic. "I love it!"

Twilight blushed again and almost lost control of the cart, though Whooves didn't realise it. Having grown up alongside her, Spike did and sent her a warning glare.

Soon enough, the cart arrived in a remote location in the desert, near a set of train tracks, where three sunglasses-donning fillies awaited coolly. Whooves blinked as he recognised them. "The... Cutie Mark Crusaders? Our drug dealers are the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

Applebloom grinned and corrected her shades for dramatic effect. "Gotta earn those cutie marks somehow!"

"Hey Twilight, you didn't tell us you were bringing in another partner!" Scootaloo accused.
Twilight made a defensive gesture with her hooves. "The Doctor found our lab, we didn't have much choice. Besides, he cooked better meth than either of us."

"That's right." Whooves said, tapping on the barrel. "You've seen methoofmetamine before... now get ready to see my product." He shoved the barrel off the cart and onto the ground, and then rolled it towards the trio of fillies. "Cooked in the gentle heat of a frozen supernova, with a polarised neutron flow and my finishing touch: it's sprinkled with positive ions!"

Sweetie Belle squinted her eyes. "Does any of that actually mean anything?"

Dr Whooves grinned. "Sure does, if you're smart!"
"What does that mean?" Spike whispered.
"Only that I'm smart." Whooves smiled widely at the girls again.

"Hold onto your shades, girls!" Applebloom said, pulling out a measurer. "This fancy glass here is 99 per cent!"

The three fillies all looked suspiciously at Whooves, who tugged at his collar in response. They then silently exchanged glances and pulled out three revolvers.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, girls!" Twilight shouted and stepped in front of Dr Whooves and Spike. "What's going on?!"

Applebloom chewed on a wheat head. "Nuthin' personal, miss Twilight! We just think it's mighty suspicious that your lab got found out by a nice, friendly meth genius of all ponies. Don't you?"

Whooves scowled. "Look, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm not planning to enter the business. I just showed miss Sparkle here some tricks, and since I cooked this particular batch, I deserved to come pick up my reward. You'll never have to deal with me again. Unless I'm your substitute teacher."

"Well, you see, that's the thing." Scootaloo pointed out. "Now you know who we are. And we can't just let you go." She cocked her gun.
"Unless..." Whooves started, catching the fillies' attention. He slowly procured a packet from underneath his collar. "I gave you this."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders slowly edged closer, curious. "You see, I've been experimenting too, and this... is my new product. A completely new, intensely addictive drug. I could give you the recipe, in exchange for my life. You'd be the sole providers. Your profits - tripled."

"Oh yeah?" Sweetie Belle asked. "We wanna see you try it." The three of them moved beside the Doctor, where they could be sure that any potential explosion wouldn't harm them. Whooves placed the packet on the ground and slowly opened it, revealing a silvery powder. "Now..." he said. "I'm assuming I have your permission to light this on fire?"

The three looked at one another. "Go for it." They said, moving away from him. Whooves procured a match from his personal matchbox and lit it on fire. He then closed his eyes and dropped the burning match on the substance.

BLAM!

The packet didn't exactly explode, but flashed so brightly that everyone behind Whooves who were unprepared, screamed as searing pain went through their eyes. Whooves quickly knocked the packet away with his hoof and sprung into action. He obtained all three revolvers, made makeshift hoofcuffs out of various pieces of clothing and a tough, stringy plant to restrain the fillies.

"What the hay is going on around there?" A voice shouted. Whooves looked up in terror and saw Rainbow Dash flying about in the distance, having presumably caught sight of the flashing powder. Quickly calculating(he really had to thank some deity for his Time Lord brain), Whooves realised the fillies could blame everything on him, including their own clandestine activities, and dragged them, along with the still-dazed Spike and Twilight, all into the cart.

"Twilight! Use your magic! Get us moving!" He shouted and shook Twilight. "My eyes hurt!" She screamed. Growling, the Doctor ran his sonic over her eyes briefly to at least obscure the pain. "Twilight... get this cart moving now or we'll all be caught." He snarled.

Finally his words made it through to Twilight...

Dust blasted through the air as a magically-pushed wooden cart rolled down the desert road with nopony pulling it. Inside the cart were three tied-up fillies who couldn't stop blinking and a little dragon who was rubbing his eyes.

"Doctor, I can't see anything!" Twilight Sparkle shouted and screamed as the cart hit a rock and jumped briefly. Dr Whooves held onto her. "For the love of Celestia, don't slow down!" he shouted back and turned to look behind them. His eyes widened as the blue pegasus was still on their tail. "She's gonna catch us! Twilight, I'm gonna need more speed! And turn left! No, NOT SO MU-!" Dr Whooves screamed as the cart ran off the road and broke apart in a ditch.

As everypony moaned in confusion, pain and nausea, the Time Lord threw off the planks of wood covering him and returned to the road, defiantly aiming his sonic screwdriver at the oncoming blue pegasus.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea hit him and he instead pointed the sonic at his fellow passengers writhing about in the dark ditch between bushes, muting their moaning. Finally, Rainbow Dash landed in front of him. "Oh, hey Dr. Whooves!" She said cheerfully.

Whooves conjured up a smile. "Hey yourself! We had a bit of an accident here, some fireworks went off. But don't worry, we'll find all the stuff we dropped, no help needed, we're good."

Rainbow Dash mopped her brow, not questioning anything since Whooves did have a rock solid reputation. "Phew, that's a relief! I was worried something serious was goin' on here! Well, I hope you get it all sorted out! See you around!"

"Have a lovely day, miss Dash!" Dr Whooves shouted after her and breathed a sigh of relief when the pegasus disappeared. Twilight, though her eyes were still red and sore, managed to get back on her hooves. "What was that?"

"Magnesium." Dr Whooves replied. "Used mainly for photography, but can also be applied as a very handy flash grenade."

"Yeah, I'll say..." Twilight trailed off. The two looked back into the ditch.

Whooves was the first to speak. "We, um... we gotta clean this up." He said in a detached voice.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoy this mad crossover lol, it's my first serious fanfic.

Chapter 2

As Twilight Sparkle's vision cleared, she gasped and grabbed Dr Whooves by his green tie. "Are you abso... lutely... INSANE?! How are we gonna fix this?! These fillies are our only contact with our customers! And if the BRONY learn about what we've done, we'll be hunted down! Like animals!" She dropped down to the ground in despair.

"The BRONY?" Whooves asked. "Seriously?"

"The Bureau of Recreational Opiates 'N' Yodeling!"

Whooves scratched his head. "What a silly name for a drug cartel. Well, we can discuss this later. Right now, we've gotta get back to your house before the sun comes up. Can you teleport us with your magic?"

"No, my head still hurts, I can't focus!" Twilight whined and rubbed her forehead.

"Okay, I... oh no." Whooves turned pale. "Wait here!" He said before galloping away despite Twilight's protests. As he didn't come back immediately, Twilight uses the broken cart to conceal the fillies she had tied up. "Oh, this feels so wrong!"

Finally, after an eternity, Whooves appeared again, rolling a barrel and sweating heavily. "We... almost forgot... the stuff there!" He breathed. "At least use your magic to dig a hole. We'll leave the methoofmetamine here for now, and use the barrel to hide the fillies."

Twilight facehoofed, but since she couldn't come up with a better plan, she used her magic to levitate a bunch of the planks and use them to dig a hole just deep enough to conceal the barrel's contents. After it was well concealed, they stuffed the fillies in the barrel, sealed it and started rolling it back to town(with an unconscious Spike on Twilight's back). Fortunately, it was midnight by that point and they didn't see many ponies about.

Rolling the barrel was heavy duty, and they both soon found themselves exhausted, near the border of Ponyville. Their energy completely drained, the two ponies collapsed into the dust, and rested their backs on the barrel. Dr Whooves and Twilight turned to look at one another, and the stallion grinned in spite of his tiredness.

"What's so funny?" Twilight asked, worried sick.

"I thought I'd be done with getting into trouble when I moved to Ponyville, when I married Derpy. Guess I've just got a nose for it."

Twilight shook her head. "You shouldn't have gotten involved. Drug dealers don't usually like surprises."

"Isn't princess Celestia gonna get awfully cross with you if she finds out you've been cooking methoofmetamine?" Whooves asked. The unicorn groaned. "That's why I'm doing this!"

"To go against princess Celestia?"

Twilight nodded. "I grew up reading books. All these wild adventures where the hero shows authority who's boss. I just felt like - for once, I wanna do something crazy like that! Not evil of course, but just... you know..." she gestured vaguely "...crazy. To feel like, for once, you're up against the whole world."

"I know that feeling. I used to, uh... travel, to all sorts of wild places. Otherworldly places. And more often than not, I ran into nasty folks who would've wanted to see nothing more than me exterminated. Oh, those were the days..." Whooves grinned, but Twilight seemed uncomfortable.

"Who are you?" She asked after a pause. Before Whooves could answer however, a strong kick from inside the barrel reminded the pair what situation they were in. "Can you teleport us now?" Whooves asked. The unicorn nodded and concentrated. Soon enough, the group were surrounded by a purple haze, which disappeared a moment later, revealing them to be in Twilight's tree house.

As Twilight put Spike to bed(apparently, the magnesium was exceptionally effective towards dragons), Whooves opened the barrel downstairs in the meth lab and let the dizzy trio of fillies fall out.
"Weeeell, that's better, isn't it? Sorry about your cutie marks." Whooves said and pulled out one of the revolvers he'd taken from them. "Now, as you are to be our guests for the foreseeable future, let's make ourselves comfortable."

Scootaloo glared at him. "I thought you were a pacifist or something."

"Of course! I've even taken the medical oath about three or four times in three or four times." Whooves said, smirking. "I can't harm a fly. I am, however, perfectly willing to cause as much pain as needed. It wouldn't be too hard for me to heal a few stray bullet holes."

"Wow. I mean, wow. You are one crazy doctor." Applebloom said. "You do realise we wouldn't have actually hurt ya, right? We were just messing about. We're just fillies, for Celestia's sake!"

Whooves's expression sank and he glanced at the revolver. "Oh. Well, that's awkward. Alright, tell you what: you tell me how to meet your boss, and we can straighten this whole mess up and you can get right back to earning your cutie marks... at drug dealing."

"Uh, okay!" Sweetie Belle said before being nudged by Scootaloo. "No way! She'll never let us do this again!"
As the Cutie Mark Crusaders argued, Twilight made her way down the stairs and raised an eyebrow as she saw Whooves holding a gun. "Did I miss something?"

"Oh, well, you know, negotiating." Whooves mumbled. "Look, we better put a lid on it tonight, my wife will never let me out of the house again if I don't turn up soon."

Twilight deadpanned: "Perhaps that would be for the best."

Suddenly, Scootaloo gasped melodramatically. "I forgot! We were supposed to meet up with the BRONY this morning! At about, errr, 6 o'clock!"
Doctor Whooves rolled his eyes. "You couldn't even get out of bed by that time." Scootaloo crossed her hooves grumpily. "Okay, fine, it was 8 o'clock. But I'm not making it up. They're gonna want to take away the meth to a safe place. And if we're not there, they'll know exactly where to look."

Twilight squeaked in fear, but Whooves was completely unintimidated. "Well, why didn't you just say so? We'll simply have to move you then."

"But Doctor, they know I'm the one cooking up the methoofmetamine!" Twilight hissed. "They will be coming for me!"

"Not if we go after them first." Whooves said confidently and pulled out a fobwatch from his collar, which he then began to swing in front of the fillies' eyes. "Just take a look at this, dears. You will become rather sleepy. Very sleepy..." and indeed, soon enough all three fillies closed their eyes. "Now then... who is your boss?"

"Mom." the fillies said in unison. Whooves facehoofed. "Let's try that again. Who is your superior in the methoofmetamine business?"

"Rarity."

Twilight fainted.

When she came to, she was back in her library, in an armchair. "Here, drink this." Doctor Whooves said in a kindly tone and offered her a warm mug of tea, which she accepted. As she gulped, however, her last memory made it back to her consciousness and she spat out the tea. "Did she say RARITY?! Is a drug lord?! Or drug lady, I guess."

Doctor Whooves shrugged. "Fancy fabrics don't buy themselves..." he glanced at his fob-watch. "Oh, wonderful, it's 2 AM. I'm surprised Derpy hasn't woken up the whole of Ponyville by now." He sighed.

"Why haven't you gone home already?" Twilight asked, confused. "We can deal with this tomorrow. Rarity's one of my best friends, we won't have any trouble."

"It's not Rarity I'm worried about, it's those Crusaders downstairs. If Rarity finds them, or if they find Rarity, I'm dead. And since they cannot harm you without drawing the attention of princess Celestia, they'll focus all of their efforts on punishing me and my family for interrupting their organisation." Dr. Whooves explained in a grim tone, before suddenly perking up. "It's a good thing then, that I've got a plan! You're gonna help me steal my TARDIS!"

The unicorn blinked "Your whats-is?"

"Time And Relative Dimension In Space! My time and spaceship! I retired it right after getting married, but it'd be an excellent place to keep the fillies until I can meet with Rarity. You can break it out of my home, so Derpy won't think I'm trying to fly off with it. And then we can use the fillies as leverage to control Rarity, yes, hmm..." the Doctor's voice trailed off. Twilight reeled from the deviousness of his plan. "Yeah, sorry, blackmail is kinda out of my league."

Doctor Whooves scoffed. "And drug dealing isn't? You said you wanted to do something crazy. We're not hurting anyone, Twilight. It's simply another slightly illegal form of business transaction. And since I'm literally helping you break into my own house, it's hardly a valid burglary. Trust me, I'm the Doctor." He smiled his most disarming smile, that almost made Twilight want to do anything he said, but reason persisted.

"You can be whoever you want, I'm not gonna help you." Twilight said and pointedly turned her back to the Doctor.

"Oh, alright then." Whooves relented. "In that case, I better go home and get some sleep. I've got a train to catch. To Canterlot. Where Princess Celestia will be most interested to hear about her favourite pupil's clandestine activities..."

Twilight's jaw dropped. Doctor Whooves bowed politely, took a saddlebag with his share of the money and left. "I'll see you in three hours."

When Doctor Whooves finally made it home, he wasn't surprised to find Derpy in the living room, wide awake. The grey pegasus had been his companion during years of time and space travel, and knew him well enough to realise that if he was missing, he'd have a very good, very interesting reason.

"Applejack said you never showed up to the farm." She said. Whooves, not having realised until now how exhausted he was, flopped down onto the couch beside her.

Several seconds passed during which Whooves tried to figure out what exactly to tell her. Deception was not unfamiliar to him - as a Time Lord, there were many secrets he'd take to the grave, and during his travelling days, he'd often found it best to keep things from friends and foes alike to accomplish his goals - but he couldn't help feeling terrible when facing the prospect of directly lying to his wife's face.

"You know what I'm like. I see something going on, I interfere. That's why they kicked me out of Gallopfrey to begin with."

Derpy pressed on: "So what did you interfere in? Don't tell me Daleks are gonna be rolling into town."

"I should only be so lucky. No, nothing alien, just a little... tomfoolery... between fillies. They were nicking apples from the farm and, I, I may have given them a few tips. Don't look at me like that, I was a foal once too, you know! Did I ever tell you I stole the TARDIS?"

The grey pegasus rolled her eyes, which went in different directions. "So... you're telling me you spent half the night stealing apples with a bunch of kids? Timey, Timey, Timey... what am I gonna do with you?"

Doctor Whooves smiled and caressed her cheek. "Well... we could try opening the TARDIS again-"

"Ha! Nice try!" Derpy said and playfully swatted his hoof away. "The day I let you risk your neck again is the day I eat muffins with raisins." She shuddered at the thought of the wrinkled grape corpses.

Finally, as the lights went down in the Whooves residence, two figures in black woolly clothing sneaked to the walls of the house.

"I can't believe you agreed to do this!" Spike hissed. "This guy is nuts!"

Twilight sighed. "We went over this, Spike! I am not going to explain to princess Celestia that I've been cooking and selling the most dangerous drug in Equestria as a hobby! We have an agreement - as soon as we get this sorted out, we'll never have to hear from Doctor Whooves again! Now come on!"

Using Twilight's magic, they quietly opened a window and crawled into the living room. The blue box glowed in the middle, like a sort of bizarre ornament. Twilight's breath hitched as she sensed the immense power from within. "Spike, I don't think he was lying." she whispered. "I can't even describe the energies coming off of this thing."

"Does it matter what it is?" Spike asked. "I wanna know how we're gonna get it out of here? It's huge!"

"Psst!"

Both of their heads turned in the direction of the noise, and they saw Doctor Whooves emerge from the shadows. "Lovely, you're right on cue." he said.

"How do we get this box out of here?" Twilight asked.

Whooves looked at her patronisingly. "You teleport it, of course."

"I can't. I need to have a fix on something before I can move it. This box... it's like... part of it is out of sync with the rest. Or it's not all there... I have never felt anything like this before. This really is a time and space machine, isn't it?"

"Mh-mh." Whooves hummed, and concentrated. "Can you levitate it?"

Twilight pursed her lips. "I think so." Her horn began to glow, and the TARDIS began to float in mid-air.
"Right! I'll get the doors open!" Spike exclaimed.

As Spike and Whooves cleared the way, Twilight carefully levitated the blue box through the narrow spaces of Whooves' house. The operation went as an oiled machine, up until a pair of glowing orbs appeared from the stairs above.

"What's going on down there?!" Derpy shouted. Twilight yelped and dropped the box, fortunately with the doors on top. "Everybody in!" Whooves hissed in a panic and shoved a screaming Spike into the TARDIS before following. With little choice, Twilight herself jumped through the doors, only for her sense of gravity to turn 90 degrees. What had been the wall a moment ago became her new floor.

Blinking, Twilight found herself in a huge, orange coral-like chamber with a huge blue column in the middle.

Chapter 3

Gawping, Twilight froze as her mind tried to comprehend the sight before her. Behind the unicorn, Dr Whooves crashed through the doors and closed them behind him. Too preoccupied to notice his companion's wonder, he facehoofed as Derpy began to knock on the door and shout.

"Okay, Doctor, think like you've never thought before." He said and squeezed his head with his hooves.

1. Let Derpy in and explain everything. Pros: Honesty is good. Cons: Will probably be followed by divorce.

2. Take off in the TARDIS. Pros: Will not have to face Derpy right now. Cons: Will break Derpy's heart.

3. Do nothing. Pros: Will not break Derpy's heart. Cons: Would get real bored real quick.

"Doctor Whooves?" Twilight asked, interrupting his train of thought. He glanced at her and realised his mistake.

"Ah yes! Bigger on the inside! Completely alien to your world! Capable of travelling to any place in any time... provided I can find out a way to explain it to my wife... after all, I did promise not to..." he slapped his sonic screwdriver against his head. Think-think-think!

Twilight pondered for a second as well. "Can the takeoff be timed?"

"Hmm?"
"Well, if you could time it, then you could go out and tell her that we stole it and meet us up later at the Library." The unicorn explained.

Doctor Whooves' eyes snapped open and he kissed Twilight on the head, making the unicorn blush heavily despite her resentment towards the Earth pony. "Twilight Sparkle, you're a certified genius!" He hopped to the controls and typed in a set of coordinates. "So sorry I'll miss your first flight, must dash!"

Outside, a worried Derpy had just about found her old TARDIS key when her husband climbed out of the ship. "Timey! What the hay is going on?!"

Whooves opened his mouth, but a word didn't come out as it just now occurred to him that he'd forgotten to come up with a good lie. He'd been spending so much time with all these lovely friendly ponies that he'd gotten rusty at shady Time Lordness. "I, uh... thought I heard something in the TARDIS."

The pegasus crossed her hooves and deadpanned him as hard as she could with her one good eye. "Uh huh."

Behind them, the TARDIS began to groan and fade out of existence. Whooves shrugged. "Aaaand now it's going." Derpy ran around him to try and hold the box in a futile gesture. Her pupils widened. "How do we get it back?! How could anypony else drive the TARDIS?!"

"Oh, I don't think retrieving it will be much of a problem." said Doctor Whooves. "Your universe, unlike mine, is hardly infinite. In fact, it consists of a single world. Which means that all we really have to do is warn the princess about temporal anomalies. I can get right on that! And as for who, well, we'd better find it first, hmm? Don't worry."

He hugged her with his forelegs, and the grey pegasus sighed in relief. "Now, the best thing we can do right now, is get back into bed. I'll get a train to Canterlot first thing tomorrow and we'll get this ghastly business sorted out." Feeling her nod, he smiled. He loved nothing more than to make her happy. And as he laid down in bed, Whooves patted himself on the back for his extra ingenuity in adding a temporal factor to the TARDIS's takeoff. It wouldn't arrive in Twilight's tree house until next morning, giving him plenty of time to both plan ahead... and enjoy the night with his wife.

It was a dawn like any other dawn. Doctor Whooves, refusing to let life drag him down in the slightest bit, irreverently spent the first few hours of light putting on a pretty new tie and collar, recalibrating his sonic screwdriver and making breakfast for Derpy and Dinky. The latter wasn't exactly his finest skill(he usually preferred eating whatever delights were available on the planet he was visiting, or using the TARDIS's food machine), but he figured he owed them a little comfort after the recent ordeals.

That done, he trotted out into the quietly awakening Ponyville, enjoying the morning mist. Soon enough, he'd made his way to Twilight Sparkle's lovely tree house, and pointed the sonic at the lock, which didn't react. "Oh, not wood again." he rolled his eyes. As much as he despised Daleks, their doors were to die for. Just wave your hoof at the sensor and it swivels open. Perfection.

Grumbling to himself, the Doctor changed the setting on the sonic and used it on the lock again, this time causing a small flame to erupt from it. Having burned through the lock, Whooves slipped in before anyone could see him. As if on cue, the TARDIS materialised(now back in its proper upright position). Almost immediately, its doors opened and Twilight peeked out.

"Hi!" Doctor Whooves waved, and she squeaked and shut the door again. The next time it opened, Spike was looking at him with an incredulous expression. "Earth ponies can't teleport! How did you get here? And how come it's light outside?"

"It's a time machine..." Twilight's voice said weakly behind him.

Spike went slackjawed. "It's so weird... it was dark, and now it's light! Dark... light! Dark, light!" As the little dragon wrapped his head around that one, Whooves stepped back into his ship, where Twilight was very slightly hyperventilating on the console.

"Miss Sparkle?"

"Mmm?"

"I'd like to take this oppurtunity to apologise for my un-gentlecoltly behaviour." Doctor Whooves said, catching the purple unicorn off guard yet again. She turned around slowly and simply stared at her, waiting for the next insane thing to come out of his mouth. "It was rather impolite of me to blackmail you to help me steal my own property."

"You have experience with these things, don't you?" Twilight said, though not in an accusing tone. It was more of a statement of fact. "You're not afraid at all to break the law... spoken or unspoken."

Whooves kept his expression neutral. "No. You saw my ship. You should know what I am by now. I'm not from Equestria. Or any other place you'd know. The only laws binding me are my own." Suddenly, a manic grin took over his face. "Luckily, I'm a rather jolly fella if I do say so myself." He patted Twilight on the shoulder. "No more distractions! In about an hour, we'll go out, follow Rarity to whereever she's supposed to meet the fillies and hand over the meth on our terms. Until we can work out an agreement, the fillies have to stay somewhere hidden, far from Ponyville, courtesy of the TARDIS. Spike, get them out here!"

The Earth pony's commanding voice was so powerful that the dragon nearly saluted. He ran off to the basement and dragged the aggressive trio out with rope.

"Ahh, our three little drug dealers." Doctor Whooves smirked. "I've got a little trip planned for us that might just get you your cutie marks!"

Immediately, they stopped resisting and perked up.

Applebloom raised an eyebrow as she and her friends explored a cave full of shining blue gemstones. "How come we've never heard of a place this fancy?"

"Well, according to my instruments, we're deep underground. The fluorescent gemstones are very similar to those found on Metebelis III, as a matter of fact, with exceptionally strong telepathic properties. If those don't help you figure out what your cutie marks are, nothing will." He waved them. "Okay, byeeeeeeee!"

The three fillies turned around and cried out in unison as the TARDIS took off without warning.

"Not to worry! Since we are in a time machine, we can go pick them a split second after departure! I've got it all under control!" Doctor Whooves said as he was operating the console, though Twilight couldn't help, but notice that he was sweating.

Spike facepalmed and turned to Twilight. "He's starting to remind me of you."
The purple unicorn gasped. "I would never leave the fillies unattended like that. Even if it is for a split second!"

"Technically, you just did." Spike pointed out. "And so did I... we're foalnappers! Curse you, Doctor Whooves! Curse youuuuuu!"

"Wouldn't be the first time..." Whooves mumbled. "Anyway, here's my plan: we confront Rarity, give her the meth, tell her that from now on, we want to work with her directly and avoid the fillies since they're... you know, fillies. If she agrees, we bring them back and they'll tell their parents... whatever it is they'll tell them. We wrap this whole incident up nicely and move on. Everybody onboard with that?"

Spike and Twilight looked at one another. "Work with her directly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"... and then we destroy the lab, hide the evidence and go to the princess?"

"Better."