A Canterlot Divorce

by democritus

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Queen Chrysalis, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia
Length: 7258

"Shining Armor and Cadance are getting divorced!" Twilight rushes to Canterlot to figure out the meaning behind this letter, only to find a den of lies and greed.

"Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the divorce of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Shining Armor!"

Twilight rushes to Canterlot to figure out the meaning behind this letter, only to find a den of lies and greed.

Published 2012-12-29 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-29 01:40:01 UTC

Or, Springtime for Chrysalis

A Canterlot Divorce

or Springtime for Chrysalis:

A Story of Emotionally Broken People

"Shining Armor, can we talk?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. What's up, Cadance?"

"I don't know, it's just that you seem so... distant, lately. You spend a lot of time in the library after work..."

"Oh, yeah, that. I'm doing... research."

"Oh? On what?"

"Something about those Changelings... it's nothing important, alright?"

"No, it's not alright. If it's not important then why do you spend so much time on it? I barely see you anymore! Every day you go to that library until you can't stay awake!"

"Look, I keep you and your aunts safe and pay the bills. I can spend my time how I want! Anything else, Mi Brontolonea Cadenza?"

"...Are you fed up with me?"

"What?"

"Is there someone else, Shining Armor!? Is my love not good enough for you!? Is the love that saved Equestria not good enough for you!?"

"What the hell? Are you serious? I spend a little too much time in the library and you accuse me of that?! Are you out of your mind, Cadance?"

"You're my husband and you don't want to spend time with me! I mean, I'm... we're going... What are we even married for?"

"That's a good question."

"Wait, Shining Armor! Where are you going? Come back here!"

Twilight Sparkle had an inexplicable feeling of deja vu. It was the perfect weather for a picnic, she thought. A fine afternoon for relaxing and eating cake and drinking tea with her friends. "It is gorgeous out! Just gorgeous!" Rarity had said. The feeling only got worse as a result. She didn't realize quite what it was until Spike ran up to them, out of breath.

Spike tried to speak between breaths. "Twi... light... I-"

"A letter? Just hand it over already." Twilight replied.

"How did... you know?" Spike handed her the letter. Twilight began reading it despite the confused looks from her friends.

"'Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the divorce of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Shining Armor?!' Spike is this kind of some cruel joke?"

"I wish it were too, Twilight, but Celestia's dead serious. She has a second letter explaining just that. And here's yet another one." Spike handed a third letter to her.

"'Dear Twilight, I am sure you are as excited as I am about the upcoming divorce in Canterlot. I will be presiding over the proceedings, but would very much like you to help make sure everyone is in their Sunday best!'"

"What in the hay is this?" Applejack exclaimed.

"They seemed so happy together!" Fluttershy said. "The giant heart-shaped aura of love was a fairly good indication of that, I think."

"If their love was powerful enough to do that, how did their marriage not last three weeks?! What the hell did I do a Sonic Rainboom for?" Rainbow was practically foaming at the mouth.

Twilight sighed. "Look, I don't know any more than you all do. I know something has to be up, and I'll get to the bottom of this. I'll tell you as soon as I know what's going on, okay?"

Pinkie Pie seemed unfazed by the gravity of the situation. "Oh! Oh! Bring us some souvenirs! They have some great sweets in Canterlot!"

"Do divorces require as fancy dressing as weddings?" Rarity asked.

"No, they're like any other court procedure. Fancy suits and all that." Twilight replied.

Rarity looked down. "Oh, I'll never beat those fancy Canterlot suit places. Do you know what they do to anypony who tries to muscle into their turf? I'll miss Vented Coat..."

Pinkie bounced in front of Twilight. "Oh, court? Then make your souvenir the judge's gavel! I need something to bonk Gummy on the head when he tries to eat my pancakes!"

"I... I can't make any promises Pinkie. I think I need to leave as soon as possible. See you girls later!" Twilight ran home to prepare for the trip.

Rainbow took an angry bite out of her sandwich. "I can't believe I wasted a whole Sonic Rainboom on a sham marriage!"

"Look at the bright side, Rainbow dear! This day is still gorgeous!" Rarity replied.

"I hafta agree, Rarity." Applejack said. "I ain't gonna let those silly Canterlot ponies ruin this wonderful day."

Fluttershy nodded. "It is wonderful, isn't it? I wonder who fucked a weatherpony this time?"

Normally train rides to Canterlot were exciting for Twilight. She got to see her parents, her brother, her mentor and princess, and even her favorite foalsitter. Normally she'd go and have the kind of fun only a big capital city wherein she had personal connections to royalty could provide. Today was not normally.

Staring at the majestic Foal Mountain, but not taking in the sights, Twilight's mind began to wonder. Cadance and Shining Armor. The princess of love and her devoted knight. They are perfect for each other, Twilight thought. They were both kind, caring, brave, selfless, ...rich... everything a happy couple should be. They literally repelled an invasion with their love. Twilight just couldn't understand it. What went wrong with her brother and the princess?

Princess. The word kept coming back. Twilight hadn't really dwelt on it, but since her brother wed a princess, wasn't she herself a part of royalty now? A niece to Celestia herself? She shook her head to clear the thought. Though it sounds fantastic she really had nothing to gain from it. She was already Celestia's personal student and that was enough for her. She couldn't help but wonder if the rest of her family felt this way. Whatever, she'd find out soon enough, so she pushed the thought aside.

But she knew that something had to be up. The announcement came out of nowhere, and it involved the grandest couple in recent history. She shuddered, this cannot just be between her brother and Cadance, could it? Someone just has to politicize... the marriage between the only princess to not be over a millennium old who was actually interested in marrying, and the captain of the Royal Guard and a member of one of Canterlot's most powerful noble houses. Probably the most powerful now. This might mean half of the royal court was in on this, trying to sway ponies one way or the other.

She looked at the clock. All this introspection had filled all of 6 minutes. Normally train rides to Canterlot didn't feel like they took so goddamn long. The initial rush of adrenaline from the announcement was wearing, and she felt herself getting sleepy...

The jerking motion of the train stopping in the station awoke Twilight from her nap. She got her suitcase and stepped off the train. Canterlot was the same as ever, despite her heavy heart. Ponies on business going to and fro, some with their noses so high it's amazing they didn't tip over. She remembered that when on royal business, usually an official would be waiting for her on the station. Looking over the station for any armored-clad guard that would normally be there, a ratty cardboard sign immediately caught her attention.

The owner of the sign was none other than Princess Celestia.

"Twilight, my faithful student! So glad you can make it!" Celestia said with great cheer.

"Princess, what is the meaning of the letters?" Twilight said.

"Simple, my faithful student. For whatever reason my niece and your brother just aren't happy together any more and have asked to be separated. I know, shocked me too when Shining Armor walked in asking for the annulment."

Twilight stopped. "Wait, Shining Armor started this?"

"I know, shocked me too."

"Ugh, Princess, shouldn't you be taking this more seriously? This isn't any old divorce! This is your niece and my brother!"

"Equestria's been around for a while, hasn't it?" Celestia started. "I have over 30 generations of family members, and trust me, not all of them were peachy. If I let every marriage dispute they cooked up get to me, I'd have been a wreck a millennium ago! They're always "blah blah blah alimony" and "blah blah blah legally entitled to large portions of the royal treasury" and sometimes "blah blah do I keep my barony?" Just because it's my niece instead of an 8th cousin once removed doesn't make it any different from the ones before, or the countless many that will invariably follow, does it? It's still a relative and some pony mad as hell about something or other in their most likely empty marriage. I know it's hard now, but eventually you get used to people trying to marry in to my family and shit falling apart over something stupid and everything ending in tears because somepony didn't sign a prenup.

"Though I have to say, an invasion did make the wedding part a bit more exciting this time than usual, at least."

"...I think I'll go talk to them about this," Twilight said, taking the excuse to break from Celestia and run towards the palace.

"Have fun with the relatives! Commemorative t-shirts will be in the courthouse lobby! Only eight bits each!"

What You Want

Twilight knew by heart where the Royal Guard Captain's office was. Her uncle and then her brother were usually stationed there. And the Royal Guard knew when a situation was hopeless. They offered Twilight no resistance as she charged towards the door.

Twilight kicked open the door. If she weren't so pissed she would've felt deja vu again. "Shining Armor, what the hell is this about!?" She screamed to the room's sole occupant.

"T-Twily! What a surprise!! ...W-what are you doing here?" Shining Armor said, sitting at his desk, with an obviously fake smile.

"You know damn well why I'm here!" Twilight said with a stomp. "What's this about a divorce!?"

"Dammit, damn that Celestia!" He hit his hoof on his desk. "Why the hell did she have to announce it?"

"And what the hell does that mean?" Twilight looked ready to lunge at his throat.

"Twily I- it's Cadance and I, we- I- it turns out that I- we're just not... working out together. It's because- I don't really know, myself. I just... don't feel the old magic we used to."

Twilight relaxed from her aggressive stance. "Shining Armor, it's not even been a month since you blew away that evil changeling queen and her nasty minions!"

Shining Armor twitched. "I-I guess we thought we had that much more in common than we actually did! You know how love can be, We felt like we'd be happy together and actually living together wasn't really all that!"

"But you repelled them with your love! How could love that strong not last?"

"I just don't get it either, Twily. Maybe it was the idea of being in love?"

"But how could that repel that heartless monster?"

"Don't-" Shining Armor caught himself leaning over his desk and relaxed, sighing. "Look, I don't know why this is happening either, just that I don't love her anymore. And it's not like I am enjoying finding this out either. I wanted this to be private as it is between me and Cadance, no need to involve you or Mom or anypony else!

"Speaking of her, since she'll try to kill me for this, I need to look up shield spells that could actually reflect Mom when she's angry!"

The silence persisted for a few moments.

"A-anyway, Twily, the reason I wanted it private was because there's no reason to involve all of you in something so sordid." Shining Armor had a tiny, but sincere smile on his face. "This is just something that happens to adults, and we leap before we look... Still, I need to stay here, because regardless of my marital status I'm still captain of the Royal Guard. I'll still be your brother and Cadance will still be your friend, alright?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Twilight said, still somber. "Sorry for breaking in so loudly. It's just how Celestia was treating the whole thing..."

"Ugh, tell me about it. Some days she's so grim you'd be certain we're all gonna die, and other days she seems to not have a care in the world. Anyway, I need to get to work, so see you around... Sis."

"Yeah, bye..." Twilight said, walking out of the room, ears down and head low.

Shining Armor, seeing his sister had left, rubbed his hooves on his temple and muttered to himself, "Damn that Celestia, I was hoping this would go a little smoother, that I'd have more time... Guess it's now or never, then..."

One part of Twilight was relieved; at least her brother wasn't completely crazy and some of the things he said made sense, but the whole situation still seemed too strange to believe. She felt there had to be more to this, something she didn't understand, something she doesn't know.

Twilight guessed the problem might be the that her only sources were a very disinterested princess and a pony talking to his little sister, so she decided to get a wider view of the situation by seeking a different perspective. If there was anyone to ask, it'd be the other party, Princess Cadance.

"Excuse me, sir, may I speak to Princess Cadance?" Twilight asked the guardpony.

"Sorry, Twilight Sparkle. No visitors, no exceptions," he replied curtly.

"Not even a concerned sister-in-law?" Twilight pleaded, leaning in.

"Sorry, but she specified absolutely no one, not even family. I'd even have to tell Princesses Celestia and Luna this."

The guard blinked. "Which would make for a very strange conflict of interest if they demanded to enter. I've chosen to not think about it too much. I suggest you do the same. Move along, please."

Twilight almost raised a protest, but living with a royal guard had taught her how stubborn they could be. She turned around to notice two snooty ponies across the hall. Twilight recognized them from the kind of parties her parents attended she had to be dragged to as a fiily and were boring, where rich people stand around and talk about how rich they are. They were... Jet Set and Upper Crust?

Jet Set approached Twilight. "Oh my, you're... Princess Cadance's sister-in-law, aren't you? She's rejecting family, too?"

"The way Shining Armor won't comment on her," said Upper Crust, "I imagine something must be up with the two lovebirds."

"Oh, I can only guess at what it could be!" replied Jet Set. "Has someone stolen one of their hearts? Was he caught with another mare?"

"Well, she was the first princess to marry in who knows how long, perhaps she was pressured into the marriage and didn't like it?"

"Then I can't imagine how the mother-in-law must feel!" Jet Set turned back to Twilight. "How does your mother feel?"

Twilight leaned away. "I... really don't know, I haven't talked to her yet. But she's one of the nicest ponies I know so perhaps..."

"Hah, you're cute, kid." Jet Set said, patting her on the head. "You don't see naivety like that in Canterlot very much. But trust me, I've dealt with Sparkle before, and she's ruthless. Anyway, we must be off. Princess and her knight or no, we still have an event to attend."

Twilight wanted desperately to disregard their words, but she couldn't help but consider them, which only made her more confused than ever. Betrayal and Shining Armor were the furthest concepts apart to her. What could be going on? She suddenly felt tired, and decided to go to her parents' house. Talk to mom and find a bed. Two birds with one stone.

The sun was setting as Twilight returned to her old home. Same old house, Twilight thought. It hadn't been too long ago she lived here, but her time in Ponyville was so fraught with excitement it felt like years. And yet, it didn't seem as bright as usual. She knocked on the door. "Mom, Dad, it's me, Twilight!"

Her mother practically threw open the door. "Twilight, Deary, come on in!" she said with a smile. "Your father's out for a bit, so I'm just here with half a court archive." The moment the door closed behind them, the smile vanished. "Is your brother still an idiot?"

"If you mean he's still going through with the divorce, yes."

"Well fuck him then! If he's going to try and throw his perfect dream marriage to a princess away for stupid reasons then we'll have to stop him."

Twilight shook her head slightly. "Mom, It probably is silly, but it's his life, he can do wh—"

"Deary, it's not just his life, it's ours!" She yelled so loud the chandelier started shaking. "We're in-laws to royalty! We are the royal family! We are Equestria! Don't you see it?"

"I had considered it but—"

"No buts!" She shouted, cutting her daughter off again. "No one can say 'but' to us now. We have unlimited power, the only shackles are the laws of the universe! We can have anything and everything our hearts desire, no 'if' only 'when.' Deary don't you see?" She paced towards Twilight like a lion about to pounce. "This is the dream of generations of Sparkles, and I am not letting one idiot ruin it just because he gets cold hooves!" Her disposition became sunny suddenly "Hey, you're closer to Celestia than I am, being her personal student and all, have you pulled any favors recently?"

Twilight glanced left then right, before just going with the flow. "Well, no, Mom, but she didn't seem too interested in the whole situation and I doubt I could convince her. She's pretty stubborn sometimes."

"I noticed that too, when I... more or less yelled at her to stop my dumbass son. Hey, Luna might listen to you! I can't stand how archaic she is sometimes, but apparently you get along well! Just be emotional enough and hope she doesn't ask too many questions!"

"Mom I haven't quite agreed to this and—"

"Now now, I'm busy going through Equestrian court history for precedents I like." Twilight's mother said as she pushed her daughter out the door. "Have fun, Deary!" She said, punctuating her sentence by slamming the door.

Some part of Twilight wanted to curl up and wait it out, but she still knew something had to be up. Maybe Luna could help, and she could pretend to be helping so her mom wouldn't kill her, and she could find a bed.

One of the very few win-win situations today.

Come In Alone

Twilight returned to the palace. Going back in to sleep probably would've just frustrated her mother, and if nothing else Celestia usually had a bed or two to spare. But as fate would have it, she managed to find the one pony that she needed to see.

"Twilight Sparkle?" Princess Luna said, somewhat shocked, "What has you trotting in the palace at this hour?"

"Auntie Lulu! How good to see you!" Twilight replied with a big smile.

"...Auntie Lulu."

"Sorry, sorry," Twilight said while trying to stifle a giggle. "I just needed something to lift the mood a little."

"I... could tell. May I ask what's gotten to you, Twilight Sparkle?"

"...Well..." Luna was family, the bride's other aunt, so she probably already knew, but it couldn't hurt. "Cadance and my brother are getting a divorce."

"I had been informed," said Luna in a serious voice. "My dear sister had told me about how frequent they have become in the royal family, but I thought it hyperbole. Now with one happening before me I have to ask if Blueblood is even my nephew anymore."

"Yeah, she's told me too, but Shining Armor isn't like that. Cadance isn't like that. Those two ponies were so happy together, it can't be as simple as it seems. Is someone There has to be something else, I just can't figure out what it would be."

"I can see what you mean, Twilight Sparkle. And if nothing else it is clearly weighing on your mind. How may I assist you?"

Twilight looked up. "Really? Like, really really?"

"Really." Luna had a small smirk.

"Finally, something is coming up Twilight!" She caught herself hopping. "Um, I can't get to Cadance. I know she's said she doesn't want to see anypony but I know she couldn't mind a visit from her little sister."

"Hmm." Luna looked away from Twilight.

"What is it?"

"You have not seen Cadance, have you? She is... well..." Luna grimaced. "I think you should you see for yourself, Twilight Sparkle. Come with me.

"A-alright," Twilight said. If she felt bad before, now was almost unbearable.

"We are here to see Princess Cadance, sir. We are going in," Luna said to the guardpony at Cadance's door.

"S-sorry, Princess Luna, but Princess Cadance said no visitors. I have decided to stand by her word as to absolve my guilt for refusing you, Princess Luna. My apologies," replied the guardpony. Dedicated to the end, Twilight thought.

"That is all well and fascinating, sir, but regretfully must say that I do not care. We are going in," replied Luna in a tone that would wound lesser ponies.

"Y-your Majesty I st-still—"

"I think you have misheard me, sir. I said we are going in."

"I-you-but—"

"We. Are. Going. In," Luna replied. Twilight had found a newfound reverence for Luna at that moment.

"Yyyyyyes your Majesty!" said the guardpony as he began running off, tears in his eyes.

"What a wonderful soldier. I must confer with my sister about promoting him," said Luna. "Well then, Twilight Sparkle... shall we?"

"If I don't, it will annoy me and things will get worse. Let's just do it already," said Twilight.

"Alright, if you wish. I just hope you are ready for it." Luna said, as she opened the door, and stepped behind it to let Twilight and Cadance be alone.

Twilight expected the worst. She expected Cadance to be bed-ridden. She expected an living wreck of a pony. She expected her sister-in-law to not be there, to learn that Cadance had left the country, or even to be no longer among the living.

She didn't expect a smiling princess, sitting on her neatly tucked bed, in the dark, staring at nothing in particular. Twilight met her stare. Cadance's eyes showed no emotion.

"Why, hello there little sister!" Cadance started to perform a dance. "Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!" She sat back down, not even noticing Twilight didn't join her for once. "How is my dear sister?" She said in a haunting voice that sent chills down Twilight's spine.

"Uhh... hi Princess Cadance?" Twilight knew she had to pick her words carefully. "I'm... wonderful! How are you?"

"Oh I'm wonderful beloved sister!" Cadance said with an immense smile. "Why, just the other day my HUSBAND, Shining Armor, oh right you know him you two are siblings, well, anyway, we went to the store and he said 'Cadance MY BELOVED WIFE how would you like this necklace' and I said 'Oh Shining Armor MY DEVOTED HUSBAND it is beautiful!' Don't you think it's beautiful, little sister?" She rapped furiously on her golden necklace with her hoof.

"It... looks nice..."

"Oh but the gem is more blue than my old one! I like the blue. The blue matches my LOVING SPOUSE's eyes. Oh you know how blue his eyes are, oh and his mane. His beautiful blue mane. I like how it's actually three blues. It's fascinating isn't it? I wonder how he keeps the blues straight. Oh and his beautiful white coat of his! Sometimes it shines in the sun, and it hurts my poor little pony eyes but it is okay because to spend time with my CHERISHED LOVER I will gladly stare at the fucking sun until my Auntie Celly shoves it in my GODDAMN FACE!" She rapped furiously on her face with her hoof.

Twilight blinked. "That's... ni—"

"And that's why I love him," Cadance added.

"Uh, Cadance—"

"He means so much to me, the mere thought of being with him forever kept me going for the long long long time I was in that cave. That and edible fungi."

"Cadance, how long were you in—"

"Ah I didn't mention how sweet he is! Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed he's there to hold me up, and he's always so polite like a knight in... oh hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I finally get why he's named that. And I love how he nibbles my neck, it makes me feel so ecstatic, I melt like butter, because I know what's coming next is his big-"

"C-Cadance!" Twilight said, a blush starting to form on her face. "I get the point! But, if you love him so much, why did you agree to the divorce?"

For once, Cadance blinked. "What."

Twilight felt as though she had dropped a priceless urn. "The div—"

"OH that silly thing Shining Armor was talking about! Oh sometimes he gets silly ideas in his head because he's such a silly goose! I think sometimes I can be a liiiiiiiiiiiiitle overbearing or at least that's what he says so I let him have some time alone now and then so once he's alone he can realize how FUCKING GOOD he has it with me! And he'll come back sobbing and I'll say "there there" and he'll bawl like a fucking baby and I'll hold him and he'll feel better because I am such a WONDERFUL WIFE and we'll be so happy and in love and have great make-up sex and we'll have a bunch of babies and we'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND"

Twilight could take no more, and stepped out of the room. Even through the closed door, she could still hear Cadance going on and on. She wondered if the pony would ever stop. She turned to Luna, still standing there, and saw her fighting back tears.

"I... I need to sleep," Twilight said. "I'm just going to sleep." Tomorrow would be better, or at least, finite.

When You Sleep

Twilight had slept strangely peacefully. Perhaps it was just that how much had transpired had worn her out. Perhaps it was the cozy down used in the palace's beds. Just maybe Princess Luna had used some magic to help her sleep well that night.

But all ended when a royal guard ran into the room. "Ms. Sparkle! Are you awake?!"

"I am now," Twilight replied while stifling a yawn. "What is it?"

"We have a situation! Shining Armor's vanished!"

"What?!" Twilight sprang out of bed. "Are you sure?"

"He's never been late for a briefing before, and when we went to his chambers he wasn't there at all! He left a note and... I think you should see for yourself, Ms. Sparkle."

Considering what she saw last time somepony said that, she was already dreading dredging his body from the royal garden's pond.

"You think it's serious?"

"Shining Armor sure as hell wouldn't make a joke like this!"

"If it is a joke it's in terrible taste."

"Considering what it says, he certainly has terrible fucking taste."

The voices in the conference room continued, and Twilight felt like not opening the door to join. Too stupid, too goddamn stupid. Everything was just so ridiculous. If yesterday she was told she'd be dragged from a picnic to this mess she'd have dismissed it as too silly. There's nothing left she can do. If Shining Armor had vanished then she was already too late to help, and she'd be left like everyone else worrying and helpless. But curiosity was one of Twilight's weaknesses. Tentatively she stepped in.

"Ms. Sparkle! What the hell did Shining Armor tell you?" a pegasus guard yelled immediately. the only ponies at the table were three higher-ranking guards. Twilight briefly wondered where Celestia was, but before she could get anywhere, the shouting resumed. "Ms. Sparkle, answer me or I will have you jailed for conspiracy to commit treason!"

"Woah, woah, calm down! I don't know exactly what's going on either!" She pleaded.

"Ms. Sparkle," said a pearl-coated unicorn guard, named Perna, sitting calmly. "I suppose you've heard Shining Armor has vanished. We've searched the castle grounds several times, and we cannot locate him. We suspect he slipped out in the middle of the night."

"Dammit, he planned this," a dark gray unicorn added, almost standing in his chair. "I knew our patrols had a hole in the southeast wall, but I never would've guessed someone would use it to get out!"

"Anyway," Perna continued, "Reports place you, Ms. Sparkle, as the last pony to talk to him. I want you to describe your conversation."

"W-well," Twilight said, taking a seat. "He seemed really apologetic and didn't want me involved in the divorce—"

"My apologies for interrupting you," Perna said with a very concerned expression, "but did you say 'divorce', Ms. Sparkle?"

"Shit, here we go..." said the pegasus.

"Oh, right, not many ponies were informed of it. Wait, he didn't even tell you?"

"Ma'am, if I may speak of your brother this way, he's not told us a shitton of things he should have. Either way it brings a lot of context to what he said... I think you should read his note," said the unicorn as he handed a piece of paper to Twilight, "but I warn you, you won't like it."

Twilight began reading.

Dear whomever receives this note:

I've left Equestria. Please do not follow me or try to find me. I tried to leave my old life behind as smoothly as possible but Celestia apparently had other ideas. I wanted to leave no unfinished business, but circumstances have forced me to this.

I sought a divorce with my wife, Princess Cadance, so I could be, free of her, because, honestly, my heart lies elsewhere. I had hoped a divorce would at least allow her to move on, maybe find someone else to nag.

I'm actually in love with the Changeling queen. She demanded the most of me and rewarded me with her utter devotion and support. She didn't spend time with others when she could, only me! She may have done bad things, but if the power of love is capable of so much, maybe my love can change her!

I had felt forced into my relationship with Cadance. Of all the foalsitters for Mom and Dad to hire, it was the princess? And they kept making me stay with her and Twilight. But I see now it was all a ploy to get us together so they could have even more authority. I wouldn't have minded, but Cadance was kind of dull. Shortly after our formal courtship started, she changed. I thought it was her true colors, that when she didn't have to be she was a lot more intense and supportive. But now I know it wasn't Cadance at all, but the Changeling pretending to be her. Cadance had told me how long she spent in that cave and it clicked.

The queen doesn't have to invade to get her love. If she wants mine, I will gladly give it to her. She has my heart. Which is more than Cadance can say. The bitch spreads her love so much I wouldn't be shocked if I've gotten herpes from her. And she has the audacity to accuse me of being unfaithful! What, can't she decide if she wants me or not? Well, I've picked for her.

I can't say I'm doing this without regrets, but if I get away from that bitch and get with my true love, it will be worth it.

Twily, if you're reading this, know that I'll totally support your romantic endeavors, regardless of whatever pony or ponyesque creature you end up falling for. I hope you'll understand how I feel and look past appearances. I'm sorry for whatever problems this will undoubtedly cause, but I couldn't live a lie. If I didn't do this, I'd probably go off with some hooker from Manehatten just to get away from Cadance. I had to leave somehow, but Celestia got you involved and forced me down this road. I'm sorry for hurting you.

Your guard and big brother best friend forever

Shining Armor

Twilight stared at the paper long after having finished it.

"Yoo hoo, you there?" said the darker unicorn, waving his hooves at her.

"Ms. Sparkle?" Perna asked. "Are you okay?"

Twilight responded with but a single word.

"Nuts."

To Here Knows When

"Nuts, Ms. Sparkle?" asked a very confused Perna.

"Nuts! This is all nuts! How did the perfect wedding descend into this? How did the beautiful bride and handsome groom become completely crazy and an abdicating asshole? How did two ponies I respect end up like this? How did she become so dependent on an asshole? How did he fall for that nasty Changeling queen? She poses as her fiance, tries to take over Equestria, hurts Celestia, goddammit how is any of that attractive?!

"And if none of it's my fault, why does it hurt so much?"

"Ms. Sparkle, at least take solace in that he probably won't find them," Perna replied, trying his best to be comforting. "We don't know from whence the Changelings came or where they were blasted to. None of the records in the library even hint at a homeland, though Shining Armor himself spent many nights trying to find them. Hah, to think it wasn't to find where our invaders came from, but to find and to make kissy faces at their queen. Simply abs-" Perna noticed some movement out of the corner of his eye. It was in the doorway. There shouldn't be movement there. "You there! This is a confidential conversation!"

"Then, if I may say sir Perna, you should really close the door," said the voice. Twilight found it strangely familiar.

"Jet Set you should really not be snooping around this section anyway!" Perna replied as he magically slammed the door. "Really, he's been poking his head where he shouldn't. I'm just hoping he'll get bored and leave or slip up so I can shut him away until he learns his lesson."

"We had the door open?" asked Twilight. "This whole time? With all the things I just said? Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. This is bad, really bad, really really bad!" Twilight teleported out of the room without another word.

"Ms. Sparkle! Wait! Dammit did things just get worse?" Perna asked no one in particular.

"Pretty sure we're fucked," The yellow pegasus said.

Disruption in the royal court. Discrediting the Sparkles. A single princess. Social mobility. Games. Political games. Games where the pieces were heartbroken ponies. Twilight knew deep down that she couldn't stop anything. Even if she intercepted Jet Set now, he'd just pass along the information and it'd invariably reach the right ears. She didn't care, she had to do something. Maybe she could, if nothing else, present the information in nice terms. So she ran to stop something.

She reached Celestia's chambers, and just in time! There was no hint of anypony around! She stood, partly to catch her breath, and partly to stop anypony trying to reveal what Shining Armor has done. It only took a few moments of this for her to realize something.

"Holy shit he wasn't coming here at all!" Twilight yelled to no one in particular. She started to run again, hoping it wasn't too late.

"Sorry, sir, no one's allowed in, no exceptions." Said the guardpony.

"Sir, I have very relevant information for Princess Cadance. She must be informed," Jet Set said.

"Leave the message with me, sir, and I'll see that Princess Cadance gets it. Eventually."

"I happen to know how your stock portfolio looks, which isn't hard given how much you brag about it," said Upper Crust. "Imagine how those companies would react to the top ponies in Canterlot rejecting them. Oh, I imagine the shock would be immediate and disastrous."

"You wouldn't dare!" The guardpony gasped.

"So, sir, may we come in?" Repeated Jet Set.

"I uh... um... uh... I'm just going to go see about getting myself positioned somewhere else! I'll uh... j-just have to ask you don't g-go in right now!" The guardpony ran away, with tears in his eyes.

He passed Twilight Sparkle, who couldn't beat the aristocrats to the one pony no one should be bothering.

"Dear Princess Cadance, how is Your Majesty today?" Jet Set said to Cadance, who apparently hadn't moved since yesterday. "I'm your subject, Jet Set, and this is my wife, Upper Crust. I do believe we've met once or twice a—"

"Oh how nice you're married! I'm married too, you know. Have you seen my fantastic better half today? He's really nice you know."

"Cadance! Don't listen to them!"

"We came to talk to you about just that, in fact, Your Majesty. You see he's—"

"He's so wonderful and strong and courageous and well-endowed, I know, I know! I could stand to talk about him all day couldn't you?"

"Stop it! Stop this!"

"W-well, um, Your Majesty, we need to tell you something about him. You see, he's missing."

"Oh he does that sometimes, I know sometimes ponies need time to themselves, but he'll come back. He'll come back to me. He will."

"If I may, Your Majesty, I don't think that's the the case this time," said Jet Set, unable to contain his smirk. "You see, he's left..."

"Stop! Shut up! Just... quit!"

"...To go after the Changeling queen."

Twilight finally forced herself into the room. "No Goddammit!"

"Twilight, sister dear, is this... really the case?" Cadance asked.

"I-I... I.." Twilight stammered helplessly.

"I'm afraid so, Your Majesty," Upper Crust said. "He's gone to find this horrid Changeling because it is true love."

"He told us as much in his letter," added Jet Set. "He's left Canterlot for good."

"Then he... all this time he was... and we have... Twilight, please, be honest with me, is this true?" Cadance pleaded pitifully.

"It's..." Twilight hung her head in resignation, letting a tear drop to the floor. "...true."

"He... he... he..." stammered Cadance." He... he he he hehehehehehahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh of course I just spend months alone in a cave pining after a guy only to find out he likes evil creatures who drain his quintessence and threaten to take over my country! We got married in a fancy ceremony just after such was defeated. We consummated this marriage in Cape Ann, and for what? A funny show?"

"Cadence?" Asked Twilight. Jet Set and Upper Crust had long since fled.

"It was all a sham was it, Shining Armor?! Just because a bitch makes you feel good, that's all that counts?! Your mom is exhausting, your dad is a prick, and I would've put up with it for you! All for you! I gave you everything and what do you do with it!?"

"Cadance, what are you doing?!" Twilight screamed. The princess seemed not to even notice her.

Cadance's horn lit up with a glow too intense for Twilight's eyes. "You reject it! You trample it! You chew it up and spit it out! Why?!" A bolt of energy shot from her horn, taking out an exterior wall of the castle. The building shuddered under the force. "Why did you tell me you loved me if it was all a lie!?" Another bolt flew, taking out another wall. Ponies ran screaming in panic out of the compromised palace. "Why did you take my hoof in marriage if your heart wasn't in it!?" Cadance shot a hole in the ceiling with another bolt, and flew up through it. Twilight wanted to follow her, but knew it would be useless. Instead, she fled the castle.

Cadance, flying above the palace, screamed loud enough for all of Equestria to be her audience. "Why did you tell me you'd be mine forever if it was only a month?! Why didn't you notice a heartless monster had replaced me, my knight in shining tinfoil!? Do I mean nothing to you?!" More bolts flew from Cadance's horn as they tore through the palace. "Was our love a lie? Were the kisses empty?!

"WHY DID YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MADE LOVE?!"

With this final cry a flurry of countless bolts flew from Cadance's horn, converging on the palace and exploding with intense light that enveloped all of Canterlot.

When the light faded and the dust cleared, the princess was gone, as was the city. Canterlot lay in ruins, destroyed by a pony scorned.

Twilight Sparkle sat on a jutting slab of rock, numbly staring at the rubble. She recognized her seat as her old bedroom wall. Princess Celestia flew down next to her.

"Well, Twilight," Said the princess. "I should give you credit for guessing this one would be special. They don't usually end like... this."

Twilight turned to her. "Just... just shove it Celestia.

"I'm sorry, I just..." Twilight turned away to hide her tears, once again facing the rubble. "I was there for everything and I couldn't stop anything. I feel like there's something I should've done. And yet here we are."

"What would you have done differently, my faithful student?"

"I could've... I... just don't know. Something, anything!"

"And would it have made things any different?"

"...I doubt it. Might have stopped Canterlot from getting destroyed, but I couldn't do anything about the divorce. Even if some things were done differently, the root causes would remain.

"But... it still hurts to know it's over for them. They seemed so happy during the wedding it's just awful to see it end like this," Twilight said, trying to stifle sobs.

"That is the proof of your concern, and the proof that you care," Celestia said in a soothing tone. "You did everything you could, but sometimes you just need to know that sometimes ponies will put themselves into lose-lose situations, and when your involvement won't help anymore."

"Then, can we help now?"

"Of course, my faithful student. Could you step aside?" Celestia said. Twilight leaped off her rock, and stood next to her mentor. Celestia's magic lifted the rock, and numerous others, which started swirling in a small cyclone of stone.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked.

"Picking up the pieces," Celestia repsonded, and the stones slowly landed, fitting together like jigsaw pieces until Twilight's old house stood as it once did.

"Woah, I didn't know you could do that!"

"Twilight, my faithful student, when you have a family as tumultuous as mine, it helps to know how to rebuild buildings," Celestia said with a slight giggle. For the first time in a while, Twilight shared it. "Now, let's go fix up that doughnut shop you like that much and have us some lunch."

"Yes ma'am, Aunite Celly!" Twilight said with a giggle. "Can I still call you that?"

"Well, the court date for the divorce was next Tuesday, so, sure, why not? Just... make sure no one else is around, alright?"

The sky was beautiful today, too.

The end.