Artcraft's survival guide to surviving Equestria!

by xombiekilla

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1699

Artcraft gets himself into lots of trouble during his stay at Ponyville, and occasionally at different places as well.

Sometimes you need to learn the hard way why pranking can be a bad thing. Artcraft has a hooves-on experience as to why this is so!

(Warning!!! This story may contain content not appropriate for some readers, viewers discretion is advised! Lot's of adult humor lies ahead, salty ponies and tons and tons of pranking, you have been warned!)

Published 2018-09-01 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-01 01:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1 - Rarity

"You come back here you ruffian, i'm only going to eat you alive!" Rarity was charging through the Market District, intent on catching Artcraft.

Yep that's me alright, name's Artcraft. A name destined for greatness, and for pissing a lot of ponies off, one of my favorite hobbies by the way! But perhaps i'm getting too ahead of myself here, let's start from the beginning shall we, back to before I met that very angry marshmallow.

The beautiful land of Equestria. Full of lively greens, bustling crowds and busy ponies. All of them having at least one important task to do for that day, all except for one pony in particular. A unicorn that had just moved into Ponyville from Trottingham for a better start on his life, he had no idea what to expect from traveling to a new town from a different one. However, once he saw the populace here, it became abundantly clear to Artcraft that a golden opportunity had presented itself onto him. With a deep breath and some renewed vigor, he left the Ponyville Train Station, jumped onto a light pole and then shouted out to the town. "Hello Ponyville! Your entertainer in shining armor has arrived!"

"Now where to put in my bags, I would assume that this run down pile of sticks of a village would at least have a lodge, or an inn of some kind right?" Artcraft muttered to himself as he carried his luggage and looked around the Town Square of Ponyville, he found what had appeared to be the City Hall from the traveler's brochure. "Ah... perfect, that definitely looks like where I need to go to alright. Tall building, brown roof, and classical structuring. Well I mustn't waste anymore time then. Time to begin the first day of my new life!"

"Hello there sir, welcome to Ponyville, what can I help you with today?" Said a gentle looking receptionist, With a bright smile, and admittedly very cute face to Artcraft. "If you're looking for an appointment to see Mayor Mare, i'm afraid it'll have to wait until she gets back here!" The receptionist was one of those few mares that Artcraft would ever actually like. Nerdy, but smart looking, just like him. She also knows how to dress to impress too, at least she's a mare with good taste, classy!

"Um... yes! I'm interested in finding a place to stay here! And I was hoping either you or the mayor could help me." The only thing he needed was approval to be a citizen here so he can move in. "You see, i'm kinda new around here, but I suppose you could tell that though, i'd really appreciate it if there's something you could do to get me approved citizenship here." Artcraft was eager to get started and was looked at the receptionist for her response.

"Why certainly sir, if that's all you wanted then follow me to the back room to fill out your citizenship papers!" The receptionist had gestured for Artcraft to follow her. Artcraft went in between the crowds of ponies. Then he reached the backdoor that the receptionist had guided him to. "Right through this door, on the table will be a form for you to fill out. When you're done, just return it to me at the front desk and we'll fit you into an affordable home!" The receptionist was just so happy to do her job! Ponyville must really be everything Artcraft had heard about!

"Thank you very much, it is most appreciated!" Artcraft replied back as he made his way into the backroom to become a citizen of Ponyville. 'Ooh... this is going to be so great! Then the next phase of my ingenious plan shall commence. Once i'm in as a citizen, I can then establish myself as the dominant alpha-male of masterful pranking! Whoever this Rainbow Dash is will now have some nasty competition against her!' Thought Artcraft as he relished in this new plan.

"Ok! Here's the form finished, now what's next?" Asked Artcraft as he eagerly awaited the receptionist's reply. She then handed over the citizenship certificate to Artcraft hereby welcoming him into their community. Artcraft walked out, feeling mentally refreshed, fully awake and ready to pursue his first victim.

"Why hello there darling, my name's Rarity. It's such a pleasure meeting such a dapper, and I must say well mannered gentlecolt in our humble little town." Said Rarity as her and I ran into each other by accident in the Market District. "Is there anything that little ol' moi can do for you?" Rarity asked as she awaited my response.

"Why as a matter in fact yes there is something that you could do for me after all. You see, i'm looking for work and I was hoping that you might have a lead for me?" Artcraft had asked.

"Well... I'm always looking for new hired help nowadays. Yes I think you'll fit the bill just nicely darling. When do you think you can start?" Rarity asked.

"In a couple of hours from now, I've got some errands to run first. Then I can start work. How's that sound?" Asked Artcraft.

"Why that's just splendid darling, I'll be waiting for you to come over so I can get you started with your new job. Tootles." As Rarity said her goodbyes, Artcraft chuckled darkly at what he was about to do. Little did anypony know, there was a devil inside of Artcraft, compelling him to do awful things to unsuspecting ponies. This Rarity, whoever she was, was going to get to know Artcraft very well indeed.

"Alrighty then, first order of business, securing the means for my prank. A spray can of mint green paint, some glue, a small bottle of hair-be-gone!, and a legit looking label to make a forged company name. and voila, perfect hair conditioner for our fancy new friend.

"Marvelous, just marvelous! Artcraft, you slick son of a bitch. It really looks like it can pass as a name brand, or even as an generic brand. Either way, it should still serve the purpose intended. Now off to my first job, but not before I offer Rarity a little 'present' for hiring me.

Knocking on her front door "Coming!" Called a very familiar smooth female voice. "Ahh Artcraft, please do come right in, we'll have some tea and then we can discuss your new job with me." Rarity gestured for Artcraft to come into her home. "This acts as both my home and business, welcome to the Carousel Boutique darling. Where everything's chic, unique and magnifique. That's our motto here you see Artcraft." Rarity then prepared her tea to serve to both herself and Artcraft.

"Here, I got you a present, think of it as a thank you for hiring me." Artcraft handed over his 'present' to Rarity.

"Gasp Oh darling you shouldn't have gone through all the trouble for little old me. Thank you ever so much and it smells just divine, like minty freshness." Rarity sighed as she was hugging onto the bottle of hair conditioner. She was over joyed at her present that she just had to use it at least once. "I really need to go and take a shower darling, could you be a dear and wait for me to finish?" Rarity asked.

"Well actually it's almost evening and you're going to take a shower, I think we could do this tomorrow, wouldn't you agree?" Artcraft asked Rarity.

"Well now that you mention it, it is getting kind of late out. Sure thing darling. I'll see you tomorrow!" Rarity said as Artcraft left her home and waited inside of a nearby bush to see the fireworks unfold in front of him.

"Ahh! Oh no! My beautiful mane!" Rarity screamed upon realizing that her hair was starting to fall out and patches of it were sticking to her head, thanks to the glue. Artcraft broke out in extreme laughter, this was however a huge mistake as he will soon discover.

"ARTCRAFT! You horrible, awful, nasty monster! I'll find you and when I do! I'll destroy you!" Rarity wasn't at all amused at say the least.

"Holy crap! I can't believed she actually fell for it, hook, line and sinker hahaha..." Artcraft was laughing hysterically and rightfully so, this was merely entertainment to him. Suddenly she kicked open her front door and Artcraft got a good look at Rarity. She looked like the bride of Frankenstein while half bald, half ugly green patches of hair, at least her head smells minty fresh.

"There you're you horrible ruffian! You come back here right this instant! We've much to discuss about good manners and proper hygiene!" Rarity's left eye was twitching and her anger was beyond reaching a boiling point, the sure sign of a job well done for Artcraft.

"Uh yeah... how about no! Seeya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" Said Artcraft. In the far off distance, he swore that he could still hear her screaming like a banshee as he got farther away from her.

"ARTCRAFT!" Like a phantom in the distance, very creepy indeed. But alas, not Artcraft's problem.

The next morning had dawned, Artcraft was going through the Market District as a shortcut to his house. He wasn't counting on who he'd soon run into while he was cutting though there. "When I find that ruffian... I swear i'll rip his dimpy little smile off!" Muttered Rarity as she looked up, she saw Artcraft giving her the raspberry.

"How dare you, you ruffian!" Rarity screamed her rage out.

"Hey! In my defense, at least it's an improvement on you! It definitely makes you look better to me." Artcraft taunted.

"Oh that is it! Come here you ruffian!" Rarity yelled as she chased me again.

"You come back here you ruffian, i'm only going to eat you alive!" Rarity was charging through the Market District, intent on catching Artcraft.

"Now you're seeing where it all makes sense right? Now we're back here! Just like the beginning of this story. Oh and by the way, i'm not sorry!"