Discord Does Another Thing
Cupcakes, cupcakes would definitely be required for the next tea party with Fluttershy, and Discord knew exactly where to get them.
He strolled into Sugarcube Corner with a grin on his face. “Ohh Pinkie Pie, I’d like to place an order for cupcakes!”
The pink mare popped up over the counter, waving to him. “Hi Discord! You’re lucky, I just finished these chocolate strawberry ones and they are dee-licious! How about I set you up with, I don’t know, a dozen?”
He chuckled as he came to inspect the cupcakes. “Those do sound delicious, actually. But let me see what else you have today.”
“Okay! There’s vanilla with rainbow sprinkles, red velvet, funfetti…” The bell over the door tinkled, and Pinkie stopped her list to shout, “Maud!”
Discord turned to see Pinkie’s sister walk in. “Oh, good to see you, Maud,” he said, then looked back at the counter. Maud was cool and all but she wasn’t as fun as Pinkie, so Discord didn’t talk to her much.
“Hello, Discord,” Maud replied.
Pinkie kept waving, indicating that somepony else had walked in. “And hi Mud Briar!”
Discord’s ichor ran cold and he immediately dropped the baking tray he had been examining. He whipped around. “Mud Briar?!”
Sure enough, there was the gray stallion with the brown mane that had so thoroughly and effortlessly pushed his buttons the other day.
“Yes, that’s me,” Mud said, in the same emotionless tone as before.
“You?!” Discord demanded.
“Yes.”
“Mud told me you two met at the park,” Maud said. “But apparently it didn’t go well.”
“Apparently he wants us to never speak to each other again,” Mud said.
“What?” Pinkie exclaimed. “Discord!” she growled, clearly disapproving.
“What?” Discord lifted his hands, an innocent halo appearing over his head. “Haha, I never said that, I found Mud Briar to be uh… a delight!”
“Actually, you were clearly annoyed by me,” Mud said. Discord visibly twitched upon hearing the first word. “You said you were going to have a conniption. Then you said goodbye, let’s never speak to each other again. Though I suppose I’m breaking that promise. But still.”
Discord groaned at the sullen glare Pinkie was giving him, and tried to explain himself. “Look, I’m sorry but just… you should have heard him! He takes everything so literally, I couldn’t even joke around with him!”
“Oh trust me, I know,” Pinkie replied. “But he makes Maud happy, and that makes me happy. We both care about her. He may seem strange to you, but that makes him unique and I appreciate that! Not every pony can have your sense of humor, you know.”
“No, I refuse to believe it,” Discord declared. He knelt and gazed into Mud’s eyes. “You’ve gotta have a funny bone in you somewhere.”
“Technically, like all ponies I have two funny bones, one in each foreleg,” Mud replied. “Though of course what we call the ‘funny bone’ is actually where the ulnar nerve passes over the elbow and striking it can cause it to hit the humerus and cause a strange numbing sensation.”
Discord almost walked away right there, but resisted the urge. “Yes, well, thank you for the pony anatomy lesson.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Anyway! There must be something you find funny, some kind of joke you appreciate!” Discord said. “And I’m going to find it!”
“Is this really necessary?” Maud asked. “We just want to buy some banana nut muffins.”
“Hold on, I’m conducting research,” Discord replied.
“Oh boy,” Pinkie said. “Maud, why don’t you come over here, we can sample some muffins while the gentlecolts have their little chat.” She slowly but firmly pushed her sister away, whispering back, “Good luck!”
Discord gave her a thumbs up and returned his attention to Mud. “So, give me some material, at least. What are you into?”
Mud blinked slowly, expression calm as always as he pondered the question. Then he said, “Trees, logs, branches, stumps, sticks, twigs…”
Discord waved his hand. “Yes, yes, but besides that! Surely you have more interests?”
Mud rubbed his chin as he thought. “I do like to care for my pet.”
“Oh, you have a pet, wonderful! What are they like?”
Mud held out a small twig. “This is Twiggy. He’s a twig.”
Discord squinted. He leaned in real close as he examined the twig. There was nothing special about it. It was tiny and forked off into two points at the end, pretty standard. “Twiggy?”
“Yes.”
“A twig,” Discord stated blankly.
“Yes.”
“Your pet’s a twig?”
“Yes.”
“Are you pulling my leg?”
“I can’t see how I am, I’m not touching you.”
“And let me guess, he talks to you and you feed him, right?” Discord asked.
“Technically, no.” Mud put Twiggy away. “He’s a twig.”
The word ‘technically’ was starting to piss Discord off as much as ‘actually.’ He took a deep breath and told himself to keep it together. Really, he should just give up on understanding this pony. Buy the cupcakes and leave. But he supposed he was a bit of a masochist, and besides, no one bested Discord when it came to mind games. No one!
“What do you like to do for fun?” Discord asked.
“I like going to stick conventions,” Mud answered. “And reading the latest research papers on trees. And now, spending time with Maud, of course. She’s so passionate about rocks and I really relate to her devotion.”
“Yes, she sure rocks, doesn’t she?” Discord joked. He heard Pinkie crack up from the other side of the room.
Mud didn’t laugh. “I also like helping her with her standup comedy routine.”
“He helps me come up with new material,” Maud said, walking up. She shrugged off Pinkie’s attempts to continue distracting her.
“Comedy, from him? Right.” Discord crossed his arms.
“You should tell him the one about the tree and the bank,” Maud said to her partner.
Mud finally showed the first real emotion Discord’s seen from him. It was just a slight curling of his lips into a smile, and a brief one at that, but it was the first evidence Discord’s gotten that he wasn’t a weird robot sent from the future. “Right. What did the tree do when the bank closed?”
At this point Discord was desperate for some semblance of a personality from Mud. “What?” he replied.
Mud paused for effect, then said, “It opened its own branch.”
Discord stared, while Pinkie giggled. “Get it?” she asked him. “It opened a branch! Of the bank! Hahaha!”
“I get it,” Discord replied. “It's not making me laugh, but I get it.”
“But then I like to use comedy to address the real issues,” Mud continued. “Why did the lumberjack cut down the tree?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Because it’s his job. Unfortunately.”
Discord was at a loss for words. Pinkie coughed and began cleaning the counter.
“See, deforestation is a real issue in our society and we need to be cognizant of our impact on the local ecosystem,” Mud said. “Save the trees, raise hemp.”
“I don’t understand how anypony can be so dry,” Discord said.
“Nopony can understand everything,” Mud pointed out.
Maud took Mud’s hoof and said, “Discord, I know you’re a lot like Pinkie. You’re loud, and excitable, and you like being the center of attention. But Mud Briar and I prefer to live a quiet and content life. We make each other happy just sharing what we know with each other. And that’s what matters.”
Discord sighed, and said, “You’re right, it is what matters. I just can’t help but try to get ponies to act how I want every now and again.” He stared at Mud, trying to think up a final joke. Then he said, “What’s long, brown, and sticky?”
Pinkie stifled a giggle, but Mud cracked a conservative but clear smile. “A stick.”
Discord beamed and shook his hoof. “You’re a friend in my books, Mud Briar.”
Maud smiled too at that, and gave Discord a thankful hoof shake as well.
After a moment, Pinkie gasped and said, “Ohh, I get it, a stick! See, because at first you think he’s referring to-”
“I think I’ll take half a dozen of those chocolate strawberry cupcakes now!” Discord interrupted loudly.
“Sure!” Pinkie started gathering them up. “And a dozen banana nut muffins for you, Maud?”
“Yes, thank you,” Maud replied.
“Can do!”
Discord leaned against the counter as he waited, and Pinkie met his eyes and smiled.
“I’m surprised you survived meeting him for the first time,” Discord commented.
“Oh, me too. I’m not violent or anything but I’m pretty sure I considered choking him at least twice when I was trying to figure out why Maud liked him so much.” Pinkie finished boxing the cupcakes and passed them to Discord. “But he grew on me! That’ll be three bits!”
Discord paid and picked up the box.
“Of course if she had choked him, I would have choked her back,” Maud said blankly from right behind him, making him jump. He stepped away from the counter so she could move forward. “Only, I wouldn’t stop until the body stopped moving.”
Discord’s jaw dropped.
After a few seconds, Maud said, “That was a joke.”
Pinkie burst out laughing and Mud smiled, and Pinkie shouted, “You did it again, Maud, you’re hilarious!”
Mud reached up to close Discord’s mouth, and briefly rested a foreleg over Maud’s back. “That’s my girl.”
Discord said, “And Maud comes in with the murder jokes. I like it. Well, it was very nice seeing you, and sorry about the rough start to our relationship, Mud. See ya later!”
“Technically, unless you plan on seeing me within the next few days, goodbye is a more proper form of dismissal.”
Discord grit his teeth, but managed to force a smile as he leaned down and said, “And technically, we both visit Ponyville often and it’s a small town so we’re very statistically likely to see each other within the next few days.”
Mud considered that. Then said, “Touche. See you later, then.”
“Haha!” Discord triumphantly pumped the air and carried out his cupcakes. Discord: 1, Mud Briar: 0. Today was a good day.
