My Pain

I once tried to commit suicide.

Those words aren't just provocative, they evoke powerful imagery in anypony who is in earshot to the utterance. The thought of a pony moving to take their own life is naturally going to illicit a reaction and every one of them is different. Their reactions vary greatly and encompasses the entire spectrum of emotions that somepony can feel. In all cases, I can understand why ponies feel the way I do about the subject, suicide is truly tragic and symbolises what creatures are capable of when they believe that they would be better off dead than alive.

They were difficult times for me. These aren’t excuses however I was stuck in a never ending cycle where I uncontent with my life. I was in debt, I had a dead end job and to top it off I was expecting bailiffs to come and evict me from my flat so you tell me how I was feeling. It's weird the emotions that people experience, I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to be able to close my eyes and feel alright for a mere moment, to escape the inescapable.

Being a very sensitive topic, there's a whole school of etiquette that accompanies writing or talking about the build up and execution of such a traumatic event in ones life, so I won't go into prolonged details about the act I committed. Instead, I’d like to just talk what drove me to such limits and the aftermath of the deep-cutting sin that I perpetuated.

Some of the reactions I’ve experienced have been ones of pity and concern for what they can do to ‘help’ me and others who may be in the same situation as I was in. From others, the reactions would sour greatly as anger and contempt for my existence blossomed forth, perceiving my act of self-harm as a selfish abomination that deserves to be punished.

I understood why some were quick to anger, even those who are apathetic, at the end of the day everyone had problems and most were able to deal with them. The point at which ponies begin to struggle comes when those problems built up or are too large to effectively deal with, this was the category I fell into. Anger and apathy stem from the idea that those who have committed what I did would rather ‘run away’ from their problems than try to face them. it’s perceived as an act of cowardice and a “waste of life” which I suppose it is.

There is only one thing I am confused about, to be pushed the point of attempting my atrocity, haven’t I been punished enough? Those who criticise usually haven’t been in my position, they haven’t felt what I’ve felt and here lies the issue, I don’t want them to feel it as no one should ever have to experience and deal with the pain that I felt internally.

I did a bad thing and I expect to live with my actions for the rest of my life, the life that I nearly gave away. My pain cut deep, still does to some degree although I’m learning to deal with it, it was a case where I felt very little satisfaction from living. I believed that I was living a half-life where I was unable to live to my full potential and would forever be stuck in limbo between my life’s aspirations and poverty and destitution.

My attempt wasn’t something that I had planned out too much, just a spur of the moment decision, an impulsive decision to end my life. I had no final words written down, no testament of my pain noted down. It just me, my method of choice and my mind that wanted nothing more than the eternal pain to end.

I was lucky to survive. If not for a weak railing I would most likely not be here to tell my tale, waking up two days later in the county hospital showed me how much people truly cared about me. You see, I only have two loved ones in my life, my mother and my marefriend, both of whom stayed by my side even after being told that I tried to take my own life.

One thing that stays with me is the look my mother and marefriend shared when I awoke in the hospital bed, their faces shared looks of sheer relief that I had survived, but also held a haunted look of betrayal. They were justified though, I had betrayed them both. I had concealed my true emotions and what was going on in my head to my last breath and I would have left them both broken hearted and alone - the same loneliness that was affecting me.

From my near death experience, even though self-inflicted, I will confirm that ponies don't truly realise what they have until they've lost it. My marefriend’s feelings of betrayal for me attempting to take my own life "confirmed that our relationship wasn't built upon solid enough foundations to move onto marriage", she also refused to speak to me for half a moon after I was made to spill my guts on the reasons why I did it.

If there is one thing that I learned from the whole ordeal is that there are always be those who will listen and help you, there are more charities or helpline than you could possibly know of. The only thing I can say to those who are struggling is to stay strong and seek out help if you are currently in a dark place. You can explore things that make you happy or at the very least allow you to block out the hurt.

What ponies and creatures need to understand is that times get tough and sometimes we can struggle to deal with the problems that inevitably build up around us and some are better equipped to deal with them than others. When you're unable to deal with the problems effectively then dark thoughts start to enter your mind, that's where you can lose yourself and move into the territory of self-harm, be it mentally or physically.