On the Road to Friendship: The Realistic Version

by Nebbie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Trixie
Length: 3440

In which ponies have digestive systems and Starlight knows what the word "preparation" means. Potty humor ahead.

The episode was okay, but it had a lot of...unusual choices, from the sleeping arrangements in Trixie's wagon (hammocks sandwiched by stuff on both sides is inefficient even if the wagon's bigger on the inside) to the huge deal about being thrifty with food combined with buying premade luxuries instead of bringing any.
And Trixie not having to pee in a multi-day staring contest joke? That's just a waste of comedy potential.
It's so bizarre that an episode specifically about uncomfortable lack of privacy/luxury and needing to scrape by on food seems to take place in an alternate universe where ponies' only problems with those are that they're noisy sleepers and want fancy cakes.

Here's a more realistic telling of events. Caution: Toilet humor ahead, obviously.

Published 2018-09-02 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-02 05:00:01 UTC

Prolog: Being Prepared

Author's Note

By its very nature, this chapter doesn't have much to diverge with and is a retelling of the episode's setup phase, so I consider it really a prolog to the main event.

Prolog: Being Prepared

Starlight and Trixie had just decided to go on a trip to Saddle Arabia based on advice from a mysterious Saddle Arabian stallion named Hoo'far about Trixie's many fans there, and all that was left was getting everything in the wagon.

Starlight was sure to bring supplies, as she'd ran a town and knew just how much ponies ate. She approached Trixie's wagon, hearing banging noises from inside, and knocked on the door. "Trixie, are you okay in there? I've got some supplies."

Trixie opened the door triumphantly, despite something falling with a clatter behind her. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has everything we need inside already!"

Starlight "Right, well, I figured a little extra couldn't hurt." She levitated over four boxes in sequence. "The classic, Dragon Pit, in case we get bored; 5 pounds of pancake mix and 2 pounds of dry macaroni; my collection of campfire spices, butter, and a water purification kit; and of course, an inflatable emergency raft!"

Trixie looked at her worriedly.

"Did I forget anything? I've got 20 bits too, hidden in the Dragon Pit box." asked Starlight.

Trixie hesitated a moment and nudged with her head towards the inside of the wagon.

Starlight laughed nervously. "I'm sure we can make room..."

Trixie sighed, but went along with it, and soon, the two had put together a double hammock on one side, and used the entire other side of the wagon for supplies. Trixie put on a cheerful voice "Ah, that was a great and powerful job we did, my great and powerful assistant!" She tried to squeeze out from a nook, and ended up falling over, ending up tackling Starlight and making a smoke bomb fall on her head.

When the two had finished coughing, they nervously chuckled and hugged. Starlight got up first. "Well, it is a little too...cozy, but I think we can manage to Saddle Arabia."

The two then hit the road.

Trixie had the wagon hitched to her as Starlight was alongside. "You sure about this? I've shared a hammock before and it's a little...tricky. You could nap in there while I pull it along."

Starlight rolled her eyes as a smoke bomb went off. "I'm sure I can handle it, and we'll only need to sleep together a few days, there's plenty of inns along the way."

Within moments, a song had broken out. The inflatable raft came in quite handy after an incident with a waterfall, leading to the two briefly snuggling up and rubbing cheeks, giggling, squeezed together by it. As they went along, they passed Hoo'far offering his wagon in a trade, and some pegasi mail carriers stranded by hot jets of fire. The two simply kept on singing the whole way, even through a perilous jungle.

Eventually, they came upon Somnambula and its marketplace as evening came. Trixie got out a list of supplies to buy. "I've been on the road a lot, so I know exactly where to buy what you can't bring from a place like Ponyville." Trixie pointed towards an absolutely luxurious-looking vendor selling exotic fruits and fruit juices.

Starlight raised an eyebrow and pointed the opposite direction. "Couldn't we get it from that other vendor? He's selling for half the price. I'm sure any fruit juice will do for getting our vitamins."

Trixie scoffed. "Oh no no no, I only get my fruits from him. You need the finest quality to survive the harsh wilderness."

Starlight sighed as they wasted 10 whole bits on 4 mangos and a pint of passionfruit juice. "We could have gotten two whole watermelons as well if we went to the other vendor, but I'm suuure that you know better since you've traveled more."

Trixie glared a moment. "I most certainly do! You've never traveled this far in your whole life, and you were scared of those crocodiles."

Starlight hesitated a moment. "W-well I'm sure we can agree after a good night's sleep."

After checking every inn in town well into the night, and finding they were so full they had ponies sleeping on top of each other, Hoo'far came across them. "Ah, the Glowpaz Festival, everypony from far and wide has come to stay here tonight."

Trixie's eye twitched. "Plenty of inns, huh? Couldn't you have sent somepony ahead to make a reservation?!"

"Who would I get to do that? Ponies don't just do it for free and we don't have that many bits!" Starlight asked.

"Well I don't know, maybe one of those many friends you have?" Trixie said, seething a little.

Starlight looked back at her and put a hoof on her shoulder. "Trixie...just because I have more friends doesn't mean I get everything done for me, and you're one of my best friends. I just didn't know there'd be a festival, okay?"

Trixie sighed. "Sorry, I'm just frustrated that we can't get a good night's sleep in a warm inn...thanks, you're my best friend too." She yawned. "Now let's get some sleep. Good thing we've got the wagon, huh?"

They smiled and hugged, not knowing what was in store.

Close Discomfort

Trixie got into the extra-wide hammock first, getting on her back and facing up at the ceiling.

Starlight fumbled her way in after, soon being across Trixie's belly, facing the wall. "Well, it's...cozy!"

Trixie had an unamused expression. "Yeah. Cozy. Just get comfy real carefully and don't move after that. I don't want to flip out of here because you had to turn over or get up to pee."

"Went pee an hour ago!" Starlight said, then nodded and quickly got on her side, facing Trixie as she lightly put a single hoof around her friend. For a moment, Trixie smiled back at her, but as Starlight continued to slightly reposition, a loud, short sputter rang out from her rear and vibrated the hammock. Starlight's eyes went wide and Trixie's smile cracked a bit as silence then reigned.

Starlight was sweating when Trixie put a hoof around her and, with some effort, went back to smiling. "I'd prefer you didn't do it next to me, but...I did fart a few times while we were singing and I do it in the hammock sometimes, so fair is...fair." She put a touch of finality by closing her eyes and adjusting position slightly with the last word.

Starlight nuzzled her slightly. "Thanks, Trixie, I'm glad you understand, and I'm normally way more polite! Sorry, just been a long day and I'm tired."

Trixie waved a hoof dismissively at the unnecessary apology before turning on her side to try to go to sleep.

It was less than an hour before Trixie was awoken by much louder sounds, like a wild animal on the prowl. Her eyes went wide and she reached a hoof back to wake up her friend. "Starlight! There's an animal out there! There's-" she went silent as she felt Starlight's mouth, which was the source of the vibration.

Starlight slowly opened her eyes. "An animal? Wha?"

"You were snoring...so loud I thought it was going to eat me." replied Trixie.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I my village actually thought I had a pet bear! I told them he was nocturnal and really shy. They were too scared to find out!" Starlight giggled.

Trixie turned over and gave her a glare normally reserved for ponies about to commit murder.

Starlight's giggling became very nervous in a hurry. "Right, um, got anything I could put over my mouth?"

Trixie put a bandana over Starlight's mouth faster than most ponies could blink. Starlight didn't say a word, and put on an innocent expression. Trixie still didn't look happy, and turned over to face the wall before lifting tail and farting noisily against Starlight's leg. With that, their expressions were equally-annoyed-looking as they tried to get some sleep.

Starlight was soon awoken by the hammock shifting about wildly. She opened her eyes to see Trixie fumbling about with boxes. She muffledly tried to ask what was going on.

"Parasprites...Everfree...so many...gotta squash" mumbled Trixie as she stepped on a smoke bomb. She then turned around, her expression and movements showing she was clearly sleepwalking. Starlight tried to plug her ears with her hooves as Trixie went about tapping on things, apparently to check for infestations.

Trixie had made some pancakes as Starlight stepped out of the wagon and yawned. The two had rather disheveled manes. "So, had a nice sleep, did we?" she asked accusatorily.

"Oh, just fine. And these pancakes are delicious." she gestured to two she'd made...among many disastrous results and a scattering of mix.

Starlight gasped as she looked upon an empty box. "Trixie! You used up all our mix! They don't sell that out in these areas!"

Trixie trotted over regally to the juice. "Well, I'm sure if somepony was awake to assist me like some kind of assistant, I would've made them the first try. Now, there is some juice left to wash them down with, right?"

Starlight zoomed over to the juice and poured a drink, chugged it, then repeated twice more, to Trixie's horror. "Oh, it seems the juice just ran out somehow." Starlight followed it up by belching in Trixie's face. "Excuse me." she said with a smug smirk.

Trixie narrowed her eyes at Starlight, but had a plan. "Oh, we should go inside, I'm sure I have some concentrate in there. Right this way."

Starlight followed close as Trixie stepped up into the wagon, tail up high...and suddenly stopped, making Starlight run into her rear a bit. Starlight was about to ask why Trixie stopped when a long, weak sputter came out from underneath Trixie's tail, making Starlight gasp and step back a bit.

Trixie forced out a few last mini sputters with slight movements of her rear, then looked behind her to Starlight with a devilish smile. "Oh, excuse me, and I just remembered I don't have any concentrate."

Starlight giggled the most nervously she had yet. "Oh, uh...yeah, just a little gas, nothing to...freak out about. No need for us to stop being friends!" Her lip quivered slightly as she put a hoof to her nose.

Hoo'far stepped out of his own wagon. "Ah, what a glorious morning, and such sounds of mares on the road together! You two are so amusing; I hope you keep the comedy up all the way to Saddle Arabia!" He then trotted off.

"Is he stalking us?" asked Starlight.

"He's just going the same place we are...I think. Let's put on a show to get some more bits for juice." replied Trixie.

They did the standard Trixie escapes from a chest with surprise audience member swap trick. Their voices were absent any enthusiasm, and they had bags under their eyes. A few unkind words were exchanged about sleeping poorly. The audience was not impressed, and they only got a few bits, enough for some carrots.

Hours later, they set up a campfire on the edge of town. "Would you like to eat all the carrots, oh Messy and Wasteful Trixie?" asked Starlight.

"Oh no, I'd need something to wash it down with, and somepony thinks passionfruit grows on trees." replied Trixie.

"Uh...it does?" said Starlight with a confused expression.

"That's beside the point!" yelled Trixie.

"We could also use try using the water filtration equipment, there might not be any river around, but I really have to pee and if you could hold the funnel for me..." pondered Starlight, with her legs crossed.

"Yuck, no! I am not helping you become the next Mare Grills! And I'm also not sleeping with you again. I woke up draped over the smoke bombs with a hat over my mouth last night!" said Trixie.

"Well maybe because you sleepwalk and you talk while doing it in a wagon full of nothing but junk!" Starlight all but yelled.

"A magician cannot simply survive! I need all that "junk" to make a living!" replied Trixie.

"Hmmph, well maybe you should've brought a bigger wagon instead of that tiny, dumb little box on wheels!" Starlight yelled back.

Trixie gasped, then yelled, her voice gradually raising in pitch. "Nopony talks about my wagon that way! You haven't gotten to know it like I have! You know what, maybe you should get to know my wagon, while I sleep out in the woods. I'm sure if I get eaten by a wild animal, it'll at least be less loud and obnoxious than your snoring!" She stormed off with a sleeping roll.

"Fine by me!" Starlight hollered.

Hoo'far stepped out. "I don't mean to interrupt, but perhaps I could...offer a solution."

Starlight bit into the carrot and talked with her mouth full. "I'm listening...."

The Filthy and Stubborn Trixie

Trixie returned with branches in her mane and tail, scratches on her body, and a few large bite marks on her butt, to the campsite. She panicked as she didn't see her wagon anywhere. "Starlight! Where's the wagon?"

Starlight emerged from Hoo'far's wagon wearing the most splendid robe. "Oh, that old thing? That generous stallion traded his for it! Can you believe it?"

Trixie fell over and began to hyperventilate on the ground. "N-no I can't! Who said you could do that?!" she yelled squeakily.

Starlight continued to look smug. "I did! It'll solve all our problems."

Trixie began to cry. "Except that now I'm without my...my...my best friend!"

Starlight glared. "Oh, so that run-down old tiny wagon was your best friend? What was I, a fancy sidekick?"

"Well it never traded you away for a better pony, but maybe it should've! I was wrong to bring you!" yelled Trixie.

"Fine, I'm going home with this fancy caravan. Maybe I'll even do my own tricks, since I know how they work and I'm better at magic!" replied Starlight.

Trixie began to shake. "If that's how it is, so be it! The Great and Powerful Trixie will do fine without you!" she said as she grabbed her necessary magic supplies and marched off unsteadily.

Trixie didn't go far before she found her old wagon. She pounded on the door with all her might, and Hoo'far soon came out. "Oh, Miss Powerful, where is your spacious caravan and assistant? I had hoped you two would get along with a better means of transport. What brings you here without them?"

"I'm here to discuss your absolutely improper purchase of my wagon!" she replied.

"Oh, but you see, I provided a wagon of clearly better value, and I'm afraid you had left it with your assistant. She seemed to have the authority to sell it. A fair and legal trade, no?" he said eloquently as he stepped out to the front and hitched the wagon to his back.

Trixie followed, glaring at him as she put herself in the way. "You're not going anywhere until I get my wagon back."

He chuckled. "I can wait as long as it takes."

Trixie laid down and got comfy on the road.

After quite an awkward hour, Trixie's rear broke the silence with a small, squeaky fart. Hoo'far sipped some tea. "That reminds me..." He went to use the toilet, splashing clearly audible through the wagon's thin walls. He came out with the same annoyed expression as ever.

Trixie scoffed, sat up a little, and put on a sly grin. "I could hear you, you know. Perhaps you should give up the wagon to get some privacy."

"Miss Powerful, you are responsible for this lack of privacy, it is on you to get up. Speaking of which, won't you have to go to the bathroom eventually?"

Trixie smirked as telltale splashing could be heard coming from her, accompanied by a growing puddle around her legs. "Aaah."

"I...see..." replied the Saddle Arabian before sipping some tea with a slight look of disgust.

Starlight, meanwhile, ran into her fair share of trouble with one less pony on the way back. Eventually, after narrowly-avoiding a fiery death, she came across the two pegasi from earlier.

"Hey, it's you! Your song inspired us to go rafting together." said the purple one.

"Yeah, the journey is its own reward...especially when we're not delivering letters." said the other. The two went right into the water with smiles and cheers.

Starlight's heart was pretty much shot by a high-caliber bullet. She began racing back.

Back at Trixie, it had been well over a day and Hoo'far was setting up a teapot.

Trixie peed again, and then made a distressed face suddenly and sat up. "Um...Hoo'far..."

"Yes, oh Filthy and Stubborn Trixie?" he asked.

"I need to poop. Like, really badly..." she put on a grin and did her best dramatic Rarity impression. "...I think I'll need the toilet in there, or it'll be everywhere! And I simply couldn't stand to have you within earshot of my...embarrassing act!" she finished the reply with a hoof on her head to indicate how unbearable it'd be.

"Hmmph, nice try, but I think you'll do just fine behind a cactus. I will promise not to move the wagon while you do, as I must go myself anyways. This tea is apparently a laxative..." he replied.

Trixie grimaced and growled a little, then spoke with a grumble of disdain. "Very well, then." She got up and went to the nearest cactus she could see.

Hoo'far retreated into the wagon, abiding by his part of the deal.

Soon after, Starlight came along with the fancier wagon. She heard a plopping noise from within the wagon, but before she could investigate, noticed Trixie grunting and squatting with her rear hidden by a cactus, not far from the road. "Uh, Trixie, are you...?" she said with growing disgust on her face. She tried to look away, but couldn't resist out of morbid curiosity.

Trixie's final sputters and splashes were heard as her expression changed to a dopey look of relief. "Aaah...uh, yes! Could you stop staring? It's making me self-conscious..." She trotted back to in front of the wagon and laid down while Starlight dry-heaved.

Hoo'far stepped out and casually poured the freshly-brewed tea. "Beverage? You must be dehydrated after...that, Miss Stubborn." he said with a slight pang of disgust.

Trixie shook her head. "I'm not dying of thirst quite yet, dysentery takes a few days."

Starlight looked between the two, who both crossed their forehooves. "Okay, what's going on here?"

"Simply getting back what is rightfully mine. What do you care, wagon thief?" she said poignantly.

"I'm afraid that even this gross display has not convinced me to undo the trade, even though my caravan is now here." said Hoo'far.

Starlight stood close. "Trixie, I'm here to say sorry. I shouldn't've sold your wagon without permission. I thought it would solve our problems, but the real problem was that I lost sight of our friendship." She turned to Hoo'far. "Sir, that wagon belongs to my friend."

Hoo'far seemed skeptical. "How do I know you're really friends?"

Trixie huff-growled and grabbed Starlight into a hug. "We're friends, okay. Now can you give me my wagon?"

Hoo'far rubbed his chin. "Hmm..."

Starlight glared. "I just came back from a day and a half of traveling across fire geysers and crocodile-infested swamps and saw her pooping just to say sorry." She put her nose up to his. "Do you believe me, or do I have to break out a cheesy song on your pompous behind?"

Trixie teared up a little. "Aww, Starlight..."

Hoo'far's mouth was agape as he pondered his options. "Very well, I shall undo the trade. This wagon is not exactly the most comfortable anyways; how do you stand that toilet?"

"Well, for a start, you don't dump it on the road while parked like you just did...not that I smell much better." replied Trixie, making both other ponies sniff a bit, go wide-eyed, then cover their noses.

"Right...well, if you may take my advice, I recommend improving your friendship before coming to Saddle Arabia. They aren't prepared for...all this." He gestured to the wagon, then Trixie's dry urine puddle, then to Trixie herself.

"Trixie, when we get to some water, you are taking a bath...no offense." said Starlight.

"None taken." Trixie said.

They both chuckled as they hitched up on the wagon and got back on the road to Ponyville, as well as friendship, and making sure Trixie didn't die of dysentery/dehydration.