Ponies Suck...

by PegasYs

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3610

... at watching movies.

... at watching movies. I really wish I hadn't invited them over in the first place...

Published 2012-08-01 00:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-02 22:36:14 UTC

Back to the Future

Dusting it off slightly, I stuck the DVD into the drive on my tv, preparing for the movie to boot up. Tonight’s selection would be Back to the Future. My guests of honor should be arriving anytime now. I walked over to the microwave and placed a bag of popcorn inside, in preparation for tonight’s gathering.

As the popcorn started to show its first signs of popping, my thoughts began to drift. My guests seemed extremely eager to come to my house for movie night. It seemed like such a hassle, considering the great spacial and temporal distance they would have to travel to get here. I guess that just made the theme of tonight’s movie all the more interesting.

Just as the popcorn was almost done popping, I heard a loud rapping on the front door, followed by loud whispering. I took the hot bag of popped kernels and set it out onto the table. That must be them! Humming slightly on the way to the door, I opened it up to greet my special guests of honor into my humble abode.

“Welcome, welcome! It’s an honor to have you all here!” The six acquaintances filed their way into my apartment, taking a look around at their surroundings. They were all slightly higher than my waist, choosing to walk on hour legs rather than on their back legs, like humans do. It suited them well, considering they were small equines. (ponies)

The purple-ish one turned to me, “Thanks for inviting us, I can’t wait to sit down and watch a movie! It will be such a great experience! I’ve never seen a movie before; we don’t have this kind of technology in Equestria. I hope I will be able to document this event for the future. Oh, this is so exciting!”

The pink one bounced toward the purple one, and bonked her on the head, “You know, Twilight, we wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for this kind of technology! Everypony knows that!” When in fact, nopony else did.

“I’ve just popped fresh popcorn! Please join me, we will start the movie shortly.” I grabbed the bowl of horribly burnt corn, and jumped onto my small sofa. The six ponies joined me, the blue one with the rainbow mane chose to sit on one side of the sofa, with the pink one sitting on my left side. The one named Twilight took the recliner, and the white one sprawled out on my loveseat, that was perpendicular to my big sofa, on the rightmost wall. The orange one sat on a stool I kept in the corner of the room, and the yellow one sat on the floor.

I hoped these ponies knew just how in to movies I got. Nobody messes with me during movie time. I grabbed the remote, and pressed play on the DVD screen. The screen went black. All the horses in attendance let out a simultaneous “Ooh” in amazement.

Oh, god… the annoying THX screen, with that really obnoxious sound affect was coming up. The loud cacophony of stringed instruments blasted from the speakers, grating my ears, and making me feel generally unhappy.

“Um… Mister? The sounds are too loud. Could you… maybe…” The yellow one was speaking to me.

“Spit it out, the movie’s starting!” Her voice was annoying on my ears, almost as bad as that god-awful THX sound.

“Could you please turn it down?” She gave me a weird smile, and a strange sound that I could only describe as a “Squee” came out.

“Alright, I’ll turn it down.” I took the remote and lowered the volume.

“Aw, come on! Now it’s too quiet!” The other winged one complained.

I sighed, “Alright, I’ll turn it up a little.”

“Uh, sir…” The yellow one!

“What now?”

“Now it’s too loud again…”

“Tough, I’m not changing it” She shut up.

The orange one started to speak, “Great, now c’n we please watch this here movie?” Since when did ponies have accents?

“I agree with Buckaroo Slim over there, let’s just watch the movie…” Silence.

“Great Scott!” Ah, what a great movie, I don’t know a single person who ever said they didn’t like Back to the Future. We were at the scene just before the Doc gets shot, where the dog goes in the car to the future. The car with the bad guys pulls up, and they are just about to shoot him…

“Wait!” The pink one suddenly yelled out at the top of her lungs.

“Ugh, what do you need?”

“I have to use the bathroom, stop the movie so I don’t miss anything!”

“Alright, but hurry up, I don’t want to wait too long. It’s down the hall to the left.” She stood up from the sofa and walked down the hall, closing the door behind her.

The other five just sat there awkwardly, waiting for their annoyingly pink friend to come back. I heard the toilet flush. She came back and plopped back down on her place on the couch.

“Alright, let’s get this party goin’!” I pressed play, and just as I did so, the bullets hit the Doc right in the chest!

“Pardon me, I have to use the restroom as well.” Twilight interrupted.

“What!? Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“The room was so quiet, I didn’t want to break the silence.” At least she was honest.

I gritted my teeth, and stopped the movie again. She trotted down the hallway.

“Alright, anybody else?” They all raised their hooves. Even the pink one…

I looked at her and gave her a look, “really?”

“Hey, I had a lot to drink on the way here!”

“…alright, we’ll wait until everyone’s finished, and then we’ll start the movie again…”

“Ugh, look at her fashion! Really tacky if you ask me… and why the hell does that McFly fellow run around with that gaudy orange jacket on? I’ve seen better clothing styles in outlet malls in Manehatten…”

The white one had been talking for several minutes now, judging ever single person’s clothing choice that showed up on the screen.

“Excuse me, miss horse… could you shut the hell up?”

“Well, I never! I am a LADY! You shall treat me with some respect! Doesn’t even have a place to be so rude, just look at the way he lives…”

Oh. My. God.

“Ugh… Please, miss…”

“Rarity.”

“Miss Rarity, could you please be so kind as to shut the hell up, please?” She opened her mouth, as if to speak, but then thought better of it, and decided to turn and watch the rest of the movie.

We were now halfway through. Twilight was scribbling down notes with a floating pencil, but I let that pass, it wasn’t particularly annoying. The pink one kept changing positions, which was bugging me. Buckaroo Slim pulled out an apple from freaking nowhere and started chewing on it rather loudly. I was seriously about to explode and force them all out of my house, just so I could finish the rest of the movie in peace.

“Wait, wait, wait… This McFly guy, has a time machine, right? Why can’t he just go back to before the Doc gets shot, and save him?” The flamboyantly designed horse interjected.

“Seriously, have you even paying attention to what’s been going on?” I paused the movie.

“Well, all I’m saying is it seems like he’s wasting a lot of time in the 50’s, when he could be using the time to be saving the old guy.”

“I… you… I don’t even… What is wrong with you?” She looked over her body.

“Nothing, I just don’t understand what this guy’s motivation is…”

“Ugh… alright, quick recap…”

I spent the next thirty minutes explaining to Miss Fruity about why he was in the past. She just nodded her head, after asking for the third time why his parents named him something stupid like Marty.

“Oh, I get it now! So, why doesn’t he just buy some more plutonium or whatever?”

“…Just sit down and watch the movie.”

“Heh, alright.” She plopped down on the couch, and almost instantly fell asleep. She was snoring really loudly.

The movie was over and the credits began to roll. The ponies all began to move from their positions.

“So, what did you all think?”

The purple one spoke, “It was amazing! I sure hope we can do this again sometime! The more I study, the better!” They all nodded their heads in agreement.

“…yeah, I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen, get out of my house before I call animal control.”

The Big One Comes To Visit

Some people say that I'm a negative person.

I trudged into my small home, and sighed loudly. The tacky spotted tie I wore daily was hanging loosely around my neck and my work suit was half unbuttoned, draped sloppily over my shoulders. My eyes bloodshot, my head pounding, my feet aching with every step it took to reach my little love seat in the middle of the living room. An onlooker would think I was a homeless man breaking into the small home I found myself in. In truth, after a day like that, all I wanted to do was get as drunk as I could in the next three hours and pass out on the floor.

I collapsed onto the deflated cushions of the couch, and lost all will to move from my spot. I figured the walk to the kitchen would be too much effort for the small amount of alcohol I would be able to bring back with me. Instead, a loud sigh erupted from deep within my bowels. I decided to turn on the TV for lack of anything better to do. Loud obnoxious music rang throughout the room as a large bubblegum logo painted the walls of my den a shade of bright pink.

At that very moment the awkwardly designed remote control made a daring escape from my clutches, leaping across the room and finding a home under the recliner in the far corner. Satan's fire erupted within my brain, but only made physical presence with a loud chain of swearing. I wanted nothing more than to stay motionless and not have to worry about anything for the next five minutes. I let the remote live. I decided that whatever was on the TV was better than having to stand and retrieve the item.

Funny, I don't remember leaving the TV on the Hub last time I watched TV. It was probably one of my dumbass friends that had decided to raid my house while I was at work, and decided to watch a little tube while they were here to add insult to injury. On the screen was a commercial for some sort of marathon. Images of loud colorful horses lit up the pixels on my tiny flat-screen. I grit my teeth together, causing a spike of migraine to shoot through my skull. It just so happened that I had tuned into an all day marathon of My Little Pony on the Hub.

I wouldn't consider myself a brony, although every single one of my friends was totally in lesbians with the girly programming. I decided it was something in my college life that I would just have to live through. Luckily nobody was going to be coming around anytime soon. I wouldn't be caught dead watching this show.

The commercial break had ended and the episode had started with the obnoxious opening sequence that I loved oh so much. I would never ever tell my friends about what happened that night a few weeks ago. That night that I would try to forget. Let's just say, the Back to the Future series was ruined forever for me.

Feeling a fraction of my energy return, I decided now would be a good time to head into the kitchen and open the gateway to my inebriation. As I stood to begin making my way, the universe decided it had other plans for me.

I was flown into the wall as a blast of blinding light flashed in the middle of my living room. Stunned and confused, I tried to regain my composition, and my ability to focus both eyes on one object. Heat poured over my body from the source of the portal that had the gall to intrude upon my abode. As my vision cleared, I saw that the couch I had been sitting on was up in flames along with the surrounding carpet. My eyes couldn't help but drift away from this oddity because an even more peculiar one decided to steal the admiration of my optical receptors.

Standing in the middle of my house was an extremely well animated creature of equine nature. A mount of such blinding splendor, with a coat of white. A noble steed of beauty and grace.

There was a horse in the middle of my living room.

I stood taller than me, but only by a few inches. Flowing from its neck was a blue mane that appeared to be blowing in a non-present wind. It had the sun branded on its side. The horse was bathed in the orange light emanating from the raging inferno that used to be my couch.

The mare turned to me and gave me what seemed like the horse version of a smile. I cringed in my spot as she took a step forward.

"Please don't kill me!"

She chuckled softly and pulled a scroll out of nowhere. Levitating it in front of her face, she cleared her throat. I was beyond scared and to the point of losing bodily fluids from every orifice in my body. Loud ringing filled the room as my ghetto fire alarm decided to actually care about the smoke that was filling the top part of the living room. The pony's horn glowed brightly for a split second, and the fire and smoke were suddenly gone, leaving a tarnished carpet and an all but completely destroyed loveseat in its wake.

She began to speak, "Dear sir or madame, it has come to my attention that you have been unkind to pony visitors in your home on the day of June the 31st. My beloved student, Twilight Sparkle, sought only to learn from the experience of watching a cinema in your home. For treating them unkind, your punishment shall be to watch one movie every Friday of every week with my student and her friends. If you should deny them their movie watching, you will face my wrath."

She focused her eyes directly on me.

"Have fun, but not too much fun. They should be here tomorrow." She turned to look at the TV that was still miraculously running, and saw herself in miniature on the screen, talking to six smaller ponies that I knew all too well from that night that felt so long ago. That night that I was doomed to repeat. Every Friday.

She laughed and, with a flash of her horn, disappeared from sight, leaving a ring of fire in the carpet for her grand finale.

I rose to my feet and braced against the wall, gasping for breath. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the twelve pack of beer from my fridge. I walked over to my Bar-B-Couch and took a seat on the floor directly in front of it.

I grabbed the remote from across the room, and turned off the TV. Taking a sip from a fresh cold one, I inhaled deeply the aroma of burnt polyester and hops.

"Ponies suck..."

The Holy Grail

Friday night.

I wasn't going to let my good spirits be ruined. It was high time I had watched this one, being that I haven't seen it in a few weeks, which was too long for my tastes. I popped the disk into the player and walked into the kitchen to check on the status of my popcorn. My esteemed guests would be arriving at any moment, and I knew they wouldn't be disappointed.

As I had expected, the entire kitchen was filled with increasingly thickening smoke. Groaning slightly from the inconvenience, I walked over the microwave and opened the door. The popcorn was on fire. Again.

Almost as if it were routine, I nonchalantly walked over to the corner where I kept the fire hydrant. With a swift pull of the trigger, the fire was out, leaving a charred pile of popped corn with a fire retardant topping. Deciding it was better than nothing, I took a handful and shoved it mercilessly into my mouth.

The doorbell rang somewhere in the distance. I walked swiftly by the fridge, producing a small can of beer as I went. I made it to the front door to let in my company, but found them already standing in the threshold.

"Oh god," I said, louder than I meant to.

Twilight stepped forward, looking slightly peeved. She put a hoof to her face, and sighed. Just like that, her scowl was replaced with a smile as she stuck her hoof out.

"Hello again!" she said as I took her hoof, trying desperately not to look sick.

Rainbow Dash hovered towards me.

"Hey, buddy! This movie better not suck like the last one did!" She thumped me hard in the chest to drive in her point.

I couldn't help but laugh in excitement. "Well, I can guarantee you won't be let down. This movie is a classic."

Buckaroo Slim scoffed. "That's what ya said about the last one."

"Well, this time I mean it. I try to watch this movie every month or so to make sure it's still hilarious. Come, join me!" I sad with genuine enthusiasm as I walked into the den.

Aw man. The couch was still in a black pile where I had left it. The ponies walked in and gasped.

"Uh, just take a seat somewhere on the ground, I'm a little shorthanded with seating at the moment."

They all took a position on the floor. Every pony fought to get the closest seat to the TV they could, save for the yellow one, who took a seat in the back corner. God she made me angry.

Remote in hand, I couldn't contain my excitement as I pressed play on the DVD screen. The colorful animations filled my vision as I cheered in delight at the title.

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

Every colorful pastel pony "ooo-ed" in unison. I joined in, for once enjoying something that they were doing.

The movie rolled with surprisingly few interruptions. Pinkie decided to go to the bathroom silently this time, and Rainbow was sitting directly in front of the TV, so it was loud enough for her. Twilight was taking notes, but stopped about ten minutes in, and resorted to just staring at the screen with a blank expression on her face. The yellow one kept making extremely quiet commentary in the corner.

I laughed hysterically for the whole thing, whooping and hollering at each joke. It was the greatest movie of all time. I chimed in every now and again with some of the most famous lines. The ponies just kept watching, staring indifferently at the screen. I nudged Bucaroo Slim, who was sitting right next to me, after a particularly funny joke. She just looked at me like I was crazy.

The movie ended, hilariously as always. I turned off the TV as the title screen came up.

Wiping away tears in my eyes, I looked around the room for a reaction.

"What the hell was that?" Rainbow yelled.

"That movie was simply distasteful, darling! How could you make us watch something so crude?" Rarity added.

I looked at Twilight, thinking that maybe she understood the humor. She just looked around the room.

I was shocked. "Come on! This movie is freaking gold!"

Pinkie stood to her hooves. "Are you kidding? The way that movie ended just screams budget cuts! They didn't have enough to finish it, so they slapped some cop-out ending to on it. And none of those jokes made any sense!"

"Pinkie... of all ponies, I thought you would understand!" I yelled.

"Listen partner, I dunno what constitutes 'funny' in this here home, but that was not funny at all," said Slim, who had apparently fallen asleep some time ago.

"You girls obviously don't understand comedy. This movie stood the test of time. You just wouldn't understand." I couldn't believe this...

Twilight yawned loudly. "Well, thanks for having us over. I think it's time for us to go." She looked at her wrist, acting like it had a watch on it. They all nodded their heads in agreement.

"Ugh, fine! I don't want uncultured guests in my house anyway." I saw them to the door and saw them file out one by one.

I shut the door violently, sending a tremor through my house.

"Um..."

The Yellow One!

"What!?"

"Um... I liked it. Can we watch it again?" she said meekly.

I froze. A single tear fell out of my eye.

"Come here, let's watch it together. I think I love you." I sat in the middle of the rug. She slowly made her way over to where I was, and took a seat next my left side.

We watched and we laughed. Fluttershy started repeating the jokes with me and laughing. It was all around a good night.

Moral of the story: NEVER watch Monty Python with girls, unless their really cool girls, like Fluttershy.