There was a hint of sadness looming over Sweet Apple Acres.
You see, fellow readers, one night Granny Smith had fallen and broke her hip while going to the bathroom, and she was immediately rushed to the hospital. The next morning, Applejack received a phone call telling her that Granny had unfortunately passed away while in the ER.
Suffice to say, both sides of the Apple Family were devastated to hear about her loss...as was a majority of Ponyville's population.
A funeral was held later that afternoon to commemorate the 135-year-old earth pony, complete with a slideshow of all of her greatest moments being played to the tune of "On The Road Again". As Granny had requested before her death, her body was buried in a field near Sweet Apple Acres right next to her son Bright Mac and his wife Pear Butter (AKA Applejack's parents).
It was now evening. The sun was setting, the funeral had ended hours ago and everypony had gone home. In the living room of the Apple Family Barn, 5 ponies sat with looks of sorrow on their faces.
"Ah just can't believe that she's gone now," Said Apple Bloom. "And just when Ah was about to start High School, too!"
"Dat makes two of us, cuz." Replied Babs Seed, who was sitting on the floor.
"Well, I've only gotten to see her durin' the Apple Family Reunions," Said Braeburn. "Would've been great for her to visit Appleloosa before she kicked the bucket."
"Eeyup." Replied Big Macintosh, whom was standing next to the couch since there was no room for him.
They all looked at Applejack, who had been sitting silently on the couch.
"Doncha have anything to say about Granny, sis?" Asked Apple Bloom.
Applejack said nothing; she just hung her head low and sighed.
"It's alright, cousin," Braeburn said, "Ya'll can tell us what's the matter."
At last the orange earth pony spoke, "Why did she have to leave us so soon? Why couldn't she return from the hospital and die at home like anypony else?"
"Well, like Mama Orange used ta tell me, 'Shit happens'." Babs answered. "n death is the kinda shit that comes outta nowhere,n dere's nuthin you can do `bout it."
Applejack had to admit her young Manehatten cousin was right, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Hey, Ah thought Pinkie Pie said you cry on the inside, AJ?"
Applejack's eyes widened at the sound of those words, then turned to Braeburn with a face that read, "DAFAQ did you just say?"
"Whoever Pinkie heard that hogwash from is a filthy, Celestia-Damn liar! Ah always cry on the outside and it's gonna stay that way for a long time!"
"Whoa! Settle down there, cousin." Exclaimed Braeburn, holding his hooves out in front of him. "Ah just heard Pinkie say that when she was in Appleloosa several years ago and thought it was true."
"WELL IT AIN'T!"
"Umm...Ya'll should probably calm down right now." Said Apple Bloom.
"WHY?!" Shouted Applejack, whose face was now as red as...well, an apple.
"Because Granny's attorney is here." Answered Big Mac.
All five ponies looked to see a tall bipedal creature-which Twilight claimed years ago was a human-standing in front of the living room door. He had bright yellow skin, short brown hair that was combed back, and dressed in a dark blue suit with a red necktie. Of course, it was none other than Lionel Hutz, District Attorney of Springfield (What Springfield's DA was doing in Equestria is anyone's guess.).
"Good evening, everyone." Said Lionel with a smile. "I'm Lionel Hutz, Mrs. Smith's Attourney. Glad to see that everybody could be here."
"Not everyone, Mister," Said Apple Bloom. "Not even close."
"Well, it'll do." Lionel shrugged, as he sat down in a chair. "Now I'm not just here to chat with you all, I've also come to read my client's last will and testament as per her request."
He opened up his suitcase and pulled out a piece of paper, then putting on a pair of reading glasses and clearing his throat, he began to read it:
"In the unexpected event that the angel of death takes my soul, I, Mrs. Annabelle Rosenberg Montgomery Sweetapple Smith, hereby split up my estate and inheritance as such:"
"To Apple Bloom, my sweet and enthusiastic granddaughter..."
The young yellow mare in question perked up at the sound of her name. "Ooh, this here should be interestin."
"...Whose childish antics were both a great source of my happiness, and the cause for my unstable blood pressure..."
"Wait, what?"
"I mean, seriously? Making a love potion for your brother and your schoolteacher all because you didn't want either of them to be alone on Hearts and Hooves Day? If you wanted them to go out on date so badly, you could just ask them instead of making them drink a mind-altering potion. If you had any idea how much you and your friends antics cost in terms of money and medication, you'd reconsider your ways. But nevertheless, those are all water under the bridge now..."
"To Apple Bloom, I bequeath: an apple to the head."
Suddenly, as if on cue, a red apple appeared out of nowhere and hit Apple Bloom right on the forehead!
"Ow!" She exclaimed, rubbing her head. "Where in the hay did that come from?"
"And to Applejack, my industrious yet stubborn granddaughter..."
"Stubborn?" Snorted Applejack.
"...Who refused to ask for help during Applebucking Season, and forbidded the use of unicorn magic on our property..."
"That was one time! It's not like Ahm racist towards unicorns or sumthin!"
"...and also constantly broke her childhood promise of never telling a lie again, even after she was chosen to represent the Element of Honesty..."
"So what if I've told a couple lies or so?" Applejack said. "Does Granny want me to represent mah element every single day?"
"I bequeath: an apple to the head."
Before the orange earth pony could say anything, an apple hit her right in the noggin!
"Ouch! That was uncalled for!" She said.
"And one more for Apple Bloom."
Another apple appeared and hit Apple Bloom in the same spot as before.
"Ow, not again!"
"And to Barbara Seed, my great-niece, who acted like a bully to her cousin and her friends and sabotaged our family's parade float..."
"Oh, c'mon!" Exclaimed Babs Seed. "Dat was a long time ago-I dinnit know any betta, dat's all!"
"I bequeath: an apple to the head."
Once again, an apple appeared out of nowhere and hit Babs in the forehead.
"Ow!" She cried. "Dat was jus' rude!"
"And one more for Apple Bloom."
And then another apple hit Apple Bloom in the forehead for the third time.
"That makes two of us, cousin." She replied, rubbing her bruises.
"And to Big Macintosh, my gallant grandson; who acted as a great caretaker to both of my granddaughters, and accepted any job without a fuss, and expressed gratuitous amounts of true honesty..."
Big Mac, feeling quite flattered over all the compliments about him in Granny's will, puffed out his chest muscles and exclaimed, "Eeyup."
"I bequeath: an apple to the head."
The red stallion's chest deflated at the sound of those last words, as an apple hit him directly in the head.
Braeburn sniggered to himself as he watched his cousin rub his forehead with his hoof, unaware that he was next on Granny Smith's will.
"And to Braeburn, my great-nephew..."
Braeburn stopped his sniggering and gulped nervously.
"Whose carelessness almost caused a native tribe to declare war on his town..."
"Uh...A-Ah don't like where this is going." Stuttered Braeburn, as drops of sweat rolled down his face.
"...and was too ignorant to notice that his cousin was trying to smuggle a wanted criminal out of prison..."
Braeburn looked around frantically, searching for something to cover his head with. He noticed Granny's zap apple helmet sitting on a table. Quickly, the yellow stallion took off his hat and replaced it with the helmet, bracing himself for the inevitable pain.
"...how you kept getting elected as mayor of Appleloosa is just as absurd as Disney purchasing FOX..."
"Here it comes!" Said Braeburn, shutting his eyes.
"I bequeath: an apple to the groin."
Just like the last several times, an apple appeared out of nowhere...and hit Braeburn right in the scrotum!
Braeburn's eyes opened up, nearly popping out of his head. His cheeks swelled up as tears began to form in his eye-sockets. Then suddenly, he opened his mouth and let out a high-pitched scream which sounded akin to that cowboy from the "Big Enough" music video.
"Holy buckin' ass-crackas!" Exclaimed Babs Seed. "Dat was jus' cruel!"
"Not half as cruel as bein' bonked on the head with apples!" Replied Applejack. "When in the hay do we get our share of Granny's estate?"
"In anticipation of that question, my client's will clearly states: Never." Said Mr. Hutz. "As she has left the entirety of her property to the Rainbow Family."
"WHAT?!" Shouted Apple Bloom. "So ya'll just got us all together just so that we could be pelted with our own darn crops?"
"It was Mrs. Smith's final wish."
"Cold-hearted bitch!" Stammered Braeburn, who was covering his crotch with his hooves.
"So we don't get anything?"
"No." Lionel replied. "Anyway, I must be off now; I need to tell one of the Rainbow Family's relatives about their new inheritance. It was a pleasure being with you fine folks, good night."
Five angry earth ponies watched as the human got up and walked out the living room door, not paying any attention to them.
"What a buckin' waste of time," Said Babs Seed. "Listenin' ta what Aunt Smith's last words were, only ta get roasted for our faults and hit in da head (Or dick in cuzzin Braeburn's case) with random apples!"
"Ah agree. That there was just uncalled for!" Apple Bloom replied.
"Well one thing's for sure," Added Applejack. "Whenever Ah get around to writin' my will, Ah'm gonna make sure that this here farm is passed on to one of our family members!"
"Same here, cuz." Replied Babs.
"Me too!" Said Apple Bloom.
"Me three!" Winched Braeburn.
"Eeyup." Stated Big Mac.
"And the only ponies who're gonna get an apple to the head are the Flim-Flam Brothers and Rainbow Dash! The former cause of the trouble they caused our family over the years, and the lattercause Ah don't like the idea of a cider-obsessed Wonderbolt running Sweet Apple Acres!"
"Yeah, that's great to hear," Said Braeburn. "Now could somepony please get me an ice pack?"
Later that night, Braeburn had gone back to Appleloosa after his manhood had healed, and Apple Bloom and Babs Seed had gone to bed because school started tomorrow (The latter had chosen to sleep with her cousin since the train to Manehatten wouldn't arrive until tomorrow morning.).
Big Mac and Applejack were in their bedroom, preparing to get some well-needed sleep. After taking off his harness, Big Mac walked over to the mirror near his bed, stood up on his hind legs, and began to pull off various bodybuilding poses since he had a date with Bon Bon tomorrow and wanted to look his best.
Applejack payed no attention to her brother's gunshow, since she was mentally preparing herself for a stressful day in the morning. As she was heading to her bed she looked out the window and towards the clear night sky.
She wasn't sure, but she felt that somewhere beyond the beyond, Granny Smith was laughing her flanks off.
Author's Note
First time writing a comedic story, so I hope you all enjoy it!
P.S: The first person who can guess what TV show this story is referencing gets a free muffin and a shiny gem.
