Author's Note

Hey y'all, back at it with the heavy chapters. So be warned it's not really feel good in this one, but ya have to have something bad to know what's good right? I do plan on things approaching a lighter tone and happier moments happening later on, but right now tis the time for fleshing out. Besides the only way to go is up right?

Just have to be careful not to fall.

Tbh about 3/4 of this was written all at once so sorry if I made some mistakes and as always I appreciate that you took the time to read this and if you have input I'd be glad to hear it.

9 - Monstrous Memories

Still being shaken from his first experience in the orchard, Ash had decided that it would be best to keep his guard up until he had figured out what was really going on here. If things like Lil Dipper were really running around these parts then maybe it could be reasoned that this orchard is something more than what it appeared to be. The apples that he had seen so far all seemed a bit too nice looking, like they wanted you to eat them so they could drag you into half seen memories that might not even be real.

"Fucking perfect apples in their perfect orchard, giving me imperfect memories... and for what huh!? Is that their oh so sinister plan? To make me feel like I'm going crazy cause I can't even remember who those people were? Maybe they're just figments that don't mean jack! Maybe I really am going crazy cause I'm shouting to nothing in the middle of an orchard!" As Ash finished his latest minor breakdown with a huff, he turned his gaze outward from himself to busy his mind with scanning the area for something. Anything he could find to stall what felt like a increasingly steep descent into a ravine of madness that he was unlikely to be able to escape from.

*Snap*

Immediately turning and crouching towards the noise Ash felt around the nearby earth for anything to throw, his hand flinching away from an apple at first before he shook off the fear and made ready to throw the delectable projectile with one hand as the other rested upon the hilt of his blunted sword. Letting the rush of approaching combat envelope him, Ash gave a feral smile as he prepared to throw himself at the perceived threat, softly whispering a bit of madness towards his mighty foe.

"In this world it's yeet or be yeeted punk..." Upon hearing the cracking of a branch on the other side of the tree Ash had taken cover behind, he leapt out with a roar and came face to face with... with... A slightly overweight rabbit that was quick to leave naught but a few of natures 'lawn chocolates' behind...

"Why is this place either wildly crazy or horribly mundane? I mean I'm glad I don't have to fight a three headed Jabberwock or anything but a tubby bunny is the thing that sets me off like that?" Ash sat down underneath a nearby tree, giving the rabbits departing gift a wide berth, and tried to calm his mind with a bit of deep breaths. After a decent while of calm nothingness, he prepared to throw the apple he still held before it could tempt him into those enveloping memories. That is until he heard something that gave him his first earnest and unburdened smile since he had awoken.

"Flutter, are you sure your little critter saw right? I reckon somethin as scary sounding as that would be out trying to terrorize the town already instead of scaring bunnies in my orchard." A voice that spoke with such a familiar twang that Ash could swear they'd be wearing a Stetson and riding a horse.

"I'm sure my little bunny friend embellished a tad, but I don't think he'd lie Applejack. I just hope it's not as scary as he made the creature out to be." The second voice had such notes of kindness and gave of such a sense of tenderness that activated the part of Ash's brain that made him look at something and simply think, 'protect this thing with your life,' though he was having to strain his hearing slightly to catch everything she said.

Not really paying attention to their words as he was simply glad to finally hear another person, Ash started to stand and emerge from the trees that were between him and the newcomers. It was with reluctance though that he retreated further into cover, after all there was no telling if these people were the ones that left him in the middle of the woods. Or even if they were people at all if the orchard and Lil Dipper were to be taken into account.

"First we wait, then we watch, and finally we win." Ash mumbled to himself, the words strange yet familiar as they came unbidden to his lips whilst he ran his hand over the hilt of his training sword. Looking down he wondered just how well he could use it, he felt that he was confident in his ability but was that fiction too?

"What's that little one? Mhm? AJ, he says that we should be careful. The monster he saw was holding a sword or some kind of metal thing." Ash froze as he heard this tidbit...

Sword? Monster...?

"Hmm? Oh he says that it was scarily tall, with limbs that could just reach out and snatch you up to his razor sharp teeth." The soft voice was lacking in most of it's kindness now as Ash felt more and more fear creep into it, something about that fear was tugging at his heart...

Sharp teeth? Tall and scary?

"But he says the worst part was the soulless, beady eyes. An awful mix of colors like some horrible mashing of things that stare into you with hunger and hate..."

Ash could hear the soft voiced one start to quake with fear as he fully realized that they were talking about him. He could see now that they truly weren't human like he had feared, but instead small, soft looking equines with big emotion filled eyes. Normally he might find these entities adorable to no end, but at the moment the soft-spoken one with with wings was visibly shaking and trying to say something further to her non-winged companion.

"A-A-Applejack? M-maybe we should go and get the other girls for something serious like this. What if the monster tries to attack or eat us like it almost did to Peter." It.. no she had started to hide herself within her hair as she gazed around the orchard with fear, eyes passing over the foliage that Ash had tucked away into. His own eyes turned to the other as she responded.

"I reckon you might be right Fluttershy, but I ain't gonna let some monster run around in my family's orchard to cause Faust knows what kind of damage. Let's be on our way quick now." The Stetson clad pony that had seemed so trustworthy now had a look of what seemed to be outright aggression and potential hate for the 'monster' that was less than fifty meters away.

As the pair turned and quickly cantered off to who knows where, Ash sank further down into his hidey hole and began to breath out of rhythm. Then he felt them... the memories like the ones from the apples started to flood into his mind. Memories of faceless people surrounding him throughout his life with similar looks of hate and fear as those two... faces that had gazed upon him since he was but a child with his off-putting shade of hazel eyes that were oh so curious about everything. Ones who were supposed to care for him shying away from his inquisitive stares and leaving him aside.

"He just fucking stares okay? Doesn't cry or make much of a fuss like most of the kids, god I'm glad when he does! Means I don't have the brat watching me with those weird ass demon eyes. Did you know a bit of his eyes are kinda reddish? Gonna probably tell her that he's acting up too much to be back here..."

He could hear the others he was around calling him names and leaving mushed up crayons or muddled paints in the shape of eyes. Adults doing nothing but telling him to clean up the mess and to stop trying to get attention. They would talk behind his back but never meet his eyes unless they were all together.

"Mud eyes, Mud eyes!"

"Stop looking at us, Psycho!"

Ash pushed weakly against ground around him, unable to get up as his breath became more erratic and his throat tightened as the invisible attackers closed in. After all, 'sticks and stones' can only be true for so long until their words no longer satisfy their hate. Then the real taunts would start, followed by something else...

"Take this you fucking Psycho!" *Thunk*

"What are you gonna do about it huh? I beat the freak can't even cry normal, lets see!" *Slap*

Why should people care about a little childish prank or some name calling? It's just a bit of harmless schoolyard fun, kids throw dirt and things around all of the time so why should this one get so worked up about it? It's not like the other little angels would ever put a rock in the mix or go too strong with the pushing and shoving...

Ash weakly cried as the memories flooded over him, unable to breath as the memories of so much pain and years of abuse swarmed his mind. All of that hate started why? Because his eyes were a slightly different shade than normal? Was it the way he'd stare so often at the world around him in curiosity? He felt the hate that others beat into him with their whispers and stones seep into his eyes as he curled up and drove his palms into his eye sockets as if he could hide them from the world and from himself...

Then he remembered the fear... he didn't know when it was supposed to be, the day that he finally snapped and became what they had molded him into... A psycho. A muddy eyed monster. Ash felt the tears flow even more freely as he tried to smash his brow into the earth again and again and again and...

"Please no... I didn't want to be a monster. I DON'T WANT TO BE A Muh-monster... not again."

But he couldn't stop the memories and he couldn't stop remembering how good it felt to be the one making them hurt, making them bleed... Making them all afraid again, because when they were afraid they didn't beat him. Because when they were afraid they wouldn't steal his lunch and make him go hungry. Because seeing them broken on the fucking ground felt oh so good... and wrong.

Ash didn't know how long he lay there barely able to breath, barely able to cry, and completely unable to stop the repeating torrent of memories he couldn't even say were his for sure anymore... Who was he anymore? Was he really Ash or was he the monster and freak that the memories and stares said he was. Were the bare minimal memories he woke up with even really his or were they also some figment that this hell forced into his head... Part of him wished it was true so that the memories he was trapped in now could be called fake too...

But what the mind forgets the body remembers all too well... The taste and texture of blood from a beatdown. The smell of someone urinating themselves when he'd say they're next... All these things and more that bring about a feeling of rot and shame in the gut that made him hate himself far more than anyone else could.

"I... I'm not going to be a monster again, not even if my life is at stake."

Upon uttering these words Ash felt a new memory pushing the old ones out and bringing them to a close... He was holding something when he last said these same words... the next thing we had said was-

*SNAP*

They were back, those who even without seeing his face had begun to see him with fear and hate. Ash made himself a vow as he dragged himself away from the orchard and deeper into the relative safety of the woods. He would make sure that these people.. ponies.. whatever they would never see that side of him, that he would find a way to earn their trust...

"I just have to make sure they never see my face or body in general... Easy right?"