Celestia Robs a Bank

by Iroh Legoman

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Main 6, Princess Luna, Drama
Length: 1243

Celestia robs a bank. Why? Read and learn.

Celestia robs a bank. Why? Read and learn.

for ObabScribler's BronyCon Them's Writin Words contest

Youtube reading by Flash Photo Reads
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dvrILJhMYA

This was also read at Whinny City PonyCon 2019 by Sonder and Argodaemon and co, and MYSELF
(I was in the audience and I freaked out that they were reading it)

Published 2018-08-30 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-30 23:00:02 UTC

Celestia Robs a Bank

“Next.”

A pony walked up the counter. “Hello, I’d like to deposit this check.”

“Sure thing, checking or savings,” asked the bank teller.

The Morning rush of the 4th National Bank of Equestria was nothing out of ordinary. Until a large white pony, with a beige stocking over their head, walked in.

“Everypony freeze, this is a robbery,” shouted the large pony. The bank tellers and patrons look over at their alleged robber. She had a long multi-color mane flowing in a nonexistent wind, long horn and wings, and post it note of crudely drawn sun slapped over what was still clearly a sun cutie mark. This robber was without a doubt …

“Morning Princess Celestia. What can we do for you today,” asked a confused teller.

The princess/robber, taken aback by being seen through so quickly, stuttered, “I’m not Princess Celestia. I’m, I’m… ah… SunnyD. Yes, I am SunnyD. Now give me the money.”

One of the bank tellers reached under the counter and pressed one of several buttons: Robbery, evil incarnate, and Princess Celestia. "Well Princ…SunnyD, do you have an account with us?"

“Ah yes,” SunnyD said using her magic to rummage through her saddle bags. “Here.”

The teller took the card and looked at it. It was a picture of Celestia with a mustache drawn over it and a name SUNNYD written in sharpie over the name Princess Celestia. Tapping at the machine, the teller brought up the account. “We are showing an account balance of zero bits and zero cents.”

“Oh ok,” she said dishearten, slowly making her way to the door. She was halfway to the exit when she stopped: “Wait, a minute.” Running back to the teller. “This a robbery. I’m supposed to take other people’s money!”

“You do that with our taxes,” some pony said under their breath.

“Who said that?!” She looked around for the culprit to no avail. “Now the money!”

“Ok,” said the teller with a neutral face, “In order for us, the robbies, and you, the robber, to complete this transaction. I need you to fill out this legal consent form.” The teller brought out a stack of papers that easily obscured the pony’s head when set on the counter.

“What is this for?” Utterly shocked at the large stack of papers for a seemingly simple task.

“It’s to recognize that any loss the bank has is not our responsibility, and that the ruler, Princess Celestia, will reimburse the bank from her personal savings, until the money that was robbed can be found. Also that the ruler, Princess Celestia, will take responsibility for the hostages.”

“Hostages? I don’t have any hostages.”

The teller motioned to all the patrons sitting on the waiting chairs, looking at their watches, reading the paper, one was dozing off.

“Damn bureaucrats and making simple things hard with long boring paperwork,” she huffed taking the pen from the teller to start. She started from the top and glanced over the page, making her way to the next page and the next. Finally ten pages in, she finds the first signing line, to recognize the creation and importance of this form, aka the tutorial.

She started to sign Sun… “SISTER!” A loud unaided voice called from outside. SunnyD jerked around to find the origin of the voice. She looked outside and saw her sis…Princess Luna, backed by the local police, the Canterlot Guard, the National Guard, the Mane6, and Spike.

“Sister, Stop this foolish act.” The Royal Canterlot Voice shook the foundation of the bank. “Come back to the castle, you have paperwork to fill out.”

‘Ah, great, more paperwork,’ though SunnyD. “I am not Princess Celestia. I am SunnyD, and I am robbing this bank. And nopony can stop me!”

“Why are you doing this?” Princess Luna was now just annoyed. “You have money.”

Behind SunnyD, a sign with an arrow pointed at her saying: “BROKE”. Luna groaned upon reading this. “How are you broke?”

SunnyD was shocked that Luna knew this, and turned around. The pony and the sign disappeared, and only a cough came from the bank patrons. “Fine,” she huffed, taking the stocking off her face. When she turned her attention to her cutie mark she found that the post it note had already fallen off.

SunnyD was now... Princess Celestia! “Gasp?! It's Celestia!” said Spike, the small dragon out of the loop to nopony’s surprise. Twilight scolded him, and took the latest issue of the Power Ponies out of her saddle bag and gave it to him.

“Sister, we get a salary. We get paid.” Luna was trying to reason with her sister. “You and I both have other side endeavors that we get money from. How are you out of money?”

“That is none of your business.” Celestia retorted.

“It is my business. You are a ruler, I am a ruler. If you are out of money, it is both are jobs to find out why.” She motioned for a Guardspony. “I will get your financial advisor and find out why you have no money.” The guardspony nodded and started on his way…

“IT WAS FOR CAKE!” Celestia was being backed into a corner; they would have found out one way or another. “It was for cake. I spent all my money on cake, and I have none to buy any more,” Celestia painly confessed.

There was a pause. It was a pregnant pause. Celetia waited, no reply. She waited a bit more; not the pregnant pause became an awkward silence. “Luna?”

Luna facehooved. The Royal Guard facehooved. The National Guard facehooved. The Mane6 facehooved. Everypony that was around or watching the event facehooved. The cacophony of hooves hitting faces ripped Spike from his comic book world. “What?” He looked around and saw everypony facehooved. “Oh,” *smack*, “ow.”

Luna didn’t believe what she just heard. Yeah, sure, that was reasonable, that was her sister, but hearing it like that made her just give up. “Cake,” she muttered, “it was for cake.” “Oh, for Celestia’s sake. It was for Cake, it's always for Cake!” Luna had given up. “That’s it sister, no more cake. You are going on a cake-free diet and a spending plan.”

“But sis…” “NO Buts, sister,” Luna snapped back. “Now get back to the castle and let these ponies go on their way.”

Celestia was defeated. She left the bank and was escorted back to the castle.

“Can’t catch me coppers,” Celestia shouted. The getaway carriage was tearing up the streets of Canterlot. Celestia had successfully robbed a bank and was on the run. She had just lost a cop carriage, turned on another street and found another one behind her. She sped up the carriage, barreling through a crowd of ponies. The intersection up ahead had the police laying out road spikes. If she timed her turn just right, she would knock them out of the way.

'Closer, closer, wait for the perfect moment...Now!'

“SISTER!” The sudden call made her jerk, the moment passed and the carriage went over the road spikes, destroying the wheels and making the carriage crash. The police quickly surrounded it.

GAME OVER

Celestia looked over to the doorway to see Luna. “What is that on your face,” Luna asked.

Celestia grinned sheepishly, the evidence all over her mouth. She levitated the tray in an offering manor, “Cake?”

Author's Note

For ObabScribbler's BronyCon Them's Writin Words contest.