Trigger me, Starlight

by True Edge

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2433

Starlight encounters the downtrodden and oppressed earth ponies of Canterlot

Starlight and Twilight go out on the town in Canterlot. However, after a stop off in a local tavern, they encounter a rally of ponies in the street, protesting against the unfair treatment of earth ponies in the city.
At first, their talk of equal rights (rites?) intrigues Starlight. But what will happen when it becomes clear that these protesters do not practice what they preach?
A random idea I had when I thought about what might happen if the Queen of Equality, Starlight Glimmer, ran in to an Antifa protester.
WARNING: THIS STORY MAY CAUSE YOU TO BECOME TRIGGERED AND/OR BUTTHURT! IF THIS OCCURS, PLEASE SEEK MEDICAL HELP IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BLAME THE AUTHOR FOR YOUR CONDITION!!!
Set directly after the events of “A Royal Problem”.

Published 2018-09-01 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-01 17:20:01 UTC

The Equalizer

It was a sunny day in Canterlot, and Starlight Glimmer felt that sunshine all the way through her body, down to the core of her very soul. She couldn’t believe that her hair-brained idea to fix the problem between the royal sisters had worked out as well as it had. The pressure had been immense, and she had felt like she was going to snap. She could still remember the nightmare she had, remembered, vividly, the terror at the sight of not only Nightmare Moon, but also Daybreaker. The image of the two princesses evil alter egos battling for the fate of Equestria would forever be seared into her mind.

That said, Celestia’s timely rescue, with the help and support of her sister, had proven what Starlight had not thought possible. That her plan had succeeded! Well. . . “Plan” was a bit of an overstatement, maybe. More like a sudden and poorly thought out, instinctive decision. Sometimes, Starlight felt like she hadn’t learned anything at all in the last year. She still had a bad habit of “Magicking first, thinking later”.

But, in this instance, it had worked. Her instincts had not been wrong, had not led her astray, and that knowledge, coupled with the encouragement of both Royal sisters and her own mentor, Twilight, had her feeling absolutely top of the world!

It was due to this that she had decided that, rather than going home right off, they should stick around and sight see a bit. She had even talked Twilight into showing her around town, and the lavender alicorn had readily enough agreed to take her on a tour of her old neighbourhood.

It was a pretty nice part of the city, and considering that it was Canterlot they were talking about, the White City, that was saying something. This was the capitol of Equestria, the jewel of the Solar Empire, and this was certainly a very nice looking part of it. The buildings were all whitewashed and had slate roofs, making them look almost regal, and the streets were all paved bricks, rather than cobblestone or dirt. Even the local taverns looked upscale and respectable, not something Starlight usually associated with such establishments.

One such ‘Public House’ was on Twilight’s tour. At the incredulous glance that Starlight threw her mentor, the alicorn explained that Lyra Heartstrings, one of her old classmates that now lived in Ponyville, used to bring the group here to drink and relax after class. Twilight was quick to assure Starlight, however, that she never partook in any alcohol, and instead sat in the corner and studied.

Had it been anypony other than her mentor, Starlight would have called them a liar. But with Twilight . . . it was all too believable that she had preferred to stick her muzzle in a book rather than a glass of beer.

This was not a failing of Starlight’s however, and she insisted that they both have a drink before leaving.

Six glasses later, and they stepped out of the tavern, only slightly tipsy.

“So! Where to, next, O Great Princess of Friendship?” Starlight asked. Her voice was only the tiniest bit slurred, she was proud to note.

“I- I don’ know! Where ya wanna go?!” Twilight asked, teetering on her hooves, eyes bloodshot and a bit too wide. Clearly, the Princess could not hold her liquor.

Starlight thought for a second, and was about to ask if Twilight knew any other such establishments they could go visit, when a hubbub caught her attention. Or perhaps it was more of a hooplah. Starlight wasn’t certain.

Glancing over, she saw a decent sized crowd was gathered in an open square at the end of the street. Most looked like normal ponies, just gathered around to see what the fuss was about, but she did notice a number of less than savoury looking types in black hoodies, holding signs, that were all in small, tight groups throughout the crowd.

Seeing one such sign, a large white board which read, in bold red letters; ”EQUAL RITES FOR ALL!!!”, Starlight lifted an eyebrow and, in spite of the slight misspell, found her interest piqued. “Let’s see what’s going on over here.” She said, and started making her way over.

“Oh, er. . . Maybe we shhhouldn’, Shtarligh-hic!-Shtarlight!” Twilight said, a worried tone to her voice.

“Ah, don’t be silly, Twilight! What’s the worst that could happen?” Starlight said.

And the Universe was listening.

Twilight fell into step, best as she could, behind her student, and the two of them walked over, moving through the crowd as a mare’s voice began to fill the square.

“For too long, we Earth Ponies have been living as second class citizens in this city! For too long, we’ve been told where we can and cannot go by those high society types, those so-called nobles, like Fleur De Lis and Fancy Pants!” The crowd murmured amongst themselves, except for the black garbed types with the signs, who shouted in support of the speaker, a gangly looking mare in a black hoodie and with a mask, more like a torn up old shirt, covering the bottom half of her face.

Starlight thought she looked more than a little untrustworthy, but then she knew that looks could be deceiving. And, besides, if what the pony was saying was true, then she could sympathize with them. While she may have learned the error of her ways, Starlight still firmly believed in equality for all. However, she now looked for true equality, for everyone to be accepted and treated the same, no matter their differences, as opposed to that . . . that forced equality she had attempted to instill in her former village.

She looked up as the mare continued speaking.

“Our foals are told they can’t go to school! Our friends are kicked out of stores! We, my friends, are the Oppressed! And we Earth Ponies will stand for it no longer!” The crowd chanted again, and some of the other ponies were starting to look like they agreed as well.

Twilight, though, was frowning bemusedly at the mare. “Well, tha’s not righ’. . . They don’ keep Earth Ponies out of school, here. . . “

Starlight frowned, and looked back to the mare up on the stage.

“They throw dirt at us! At our children! They call us ’Mudponies!’” At the slur, the crowd booed loudly, and the mare nodded, pointed out into the audience, and continued. “Those who call themselves our betters, grind us into the dirt to keep us from being able to make a life for ourselves!”

The crowd was really getting into it now, but something was striking Starlight as a bit . . . off, about the whole thing. Then, the mare continued speaking, and everything went to Tartarus.

“Those damned unicorns see us all as nothing but filthy, inbred hillbillies, the lot of us! They’re the enemy! They pelt us with hate speech, and call us ‘terrorists’ when we try to stand up for ourselves! Those boneheads need to learn their lesson, and to check. Their. Privilege!”

The crowd went wild, however their were now pockets of ponies who were applauding with a wee bit . . . less enthusiasm, than before. Most notably, those with horns.

That said, none seemed less enthused than one Starlight Glimmer.

No. Enraged would probably be a better description of the expression on her face.

The mare opened her mouth to continue, but before she could, Starlight interrupted, pushing through the crowd and walking straight up to the mare, who leaned back at the expression on her face. “Wh-What do you want, bonehead?!” She snapped, green eyes glaring over her mask at Starlight, who frowned at her.

“What?! Why . . . “ Starlight fumbled, shaking her head in disbelief. “What are you doing?” She asked, to which the mare snorted.

“Standing up for the rights of my oppressed brothers and sisters! Not that I’d expect a bonehead like you to understand!”

“No, no. You’re not.” Starlight said, holding up a hoof. “Maybe, I’d’ve been willing to believe that, a few moments ago, but not now. Now, you’re just being racist!”

The mare leaned back, looking aghast. “How dare you!? I will have you know that I can’t be racist!”

Starlight blinked at her, slowly.

“. . . . What? What do you mean?!”

“I can’t be a racist, because . . . I’m an Earth Pony!”

Starlight stared at her, for a long, silent moment.

She blinked, very, very slowly.

She opened her mouth, eyes narrowing in thought, and took a deep breath.

“Whut?”

The mare snorted. “You see, friends?! These unicorns are so arrogant that they would even try to label us Earth Ponies as racist, when everypony knows that only their kind are racist!”

“WHAT?!” Starlight exploded, voice echoing off of the walls and silencing the cheer from the hooded members of the crowd before it was fully formed.

She stammered in shock, looking at the masked mare as though she had grown a third eye. “Do you. . . not hear yourself?! That was literally racist, what you just said!”

“No it wasn’t!”

“YES! It WAS! By the very definition of the word, that was racist!”

“No, it was not! That is a common misconception, reinforced by the Unicorn Patriarchy! The true definition of ‘Racism’ is the cruel acts of unicorns towards those of other races!”

“What is your proof of that?! Where did you read it?!”

“In the dictionary!”

“WHAT dictionary?! Because I sure as hell know it wasn’t the Oxenford Dictionary. It’s definition states, and I quote: Racism is ‘a belief that race is the primary determinant of pony traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race’! It never once states what race the racist is, nor what race it is they feel is superior!”

“Yes, yes, and who wrote the Oxenford Dictionary, hm?! Unicorns!”

Starlight stared, flabbergasted. “No, they didn’t! The Oxenford Dictionary was written by scholars at the University of Oxenford! Which is comprised of races from all over Equestria and beyond! Four of the seven scholars who worked on the dictionary were Earth Ponies, for crying out loud!”

“Race Traitors.”

“THAT’S A RACIST TERM!”

“No, it’s not!”

“YES, it is!”

“No, no, it’s only racist when unicorns use it!”

“WHAT?! That . . . That doesn’t even make sense!!!”

“It does if you’re AWAKE TO THE UNICORN PATRIARCHY! Wake yourselves up, my friends! Wake yourselves up to the truth! Bone Head hate speech will never be tolerated! We will not tolerate not being tolerated! We are being oppressed by the privileged masses of the unicorns!”

At this point, the mare had turned away and was ignoring Starlight’s continued attempts to argue with her, until finally, the pale purple unicorn sighed, her head aching like she was already in the depths of a hangover to end all hangovers. She staggered out of the crowd which, for the most part, was starting to disperse now that the fun was over. She stood, staring at the ground, shaking her head. “What. . . just happened?”

Twilight tottered over to her and shrugged. “Welcome to Canterlot’s college district, Starlight.” She said, sounding marginally more sober than she had previously. “There’s always somepony protesting something around here. When I was in school, it was all the merchants up on Corral Street. Hay, a bunch of students even went and blocked off the whole street one time.” She chuckled a bit at that while leading her friend and student off down the street.

“Nowadays it’s the ‘unfair’ and ‘unequal’ treatment of the Earth Ponies, who have never been treated that badly in this city’s entire history.”

“But . . . but she wasn’t preaching equality. She was only spreading hate speech of her own!”

Twilight nodded. “I know, I know. But, trust me, Starlight. This is Equestria. This sort of thing’ll last a while, until the next big thing pops up to whine and complain about, and then they’ll blow it all out of proportion, too. Who knows, maybe next it’ll be mares complaining that they’ve all be sexually harassed by famous nobles! HA! Can you imagine?!”

Starlight sighed again, shaking her head. “It’s just so . . . wrong, and . . . and misinformed!”

Twilight shrugged. “Not really. Half the time, these protesters know that what they’re saying is complete bullshit. They just do it for the attention.” Twilight suddenly stopped and put a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, dear! Did I just say that? I must still be drunk!”

They stood in silent contemplation for a minute, Starlight of what the world was coming to, and Twilight of how nice it felt to cut loose. for a change.

And so, one purple alicorn looked at a purple unicorn and asked an all important question.

“Hey, I know another good tavern, wanna go get wasted?”

After a moment’s thought, Starlight grinned and shrugged. “Sure, why not!”

And with that, the two friends left the incident with the glaringly dense protester pony behind and went on with a night of fun.

Author's Note

Okay, so! I am well aware that some folks might take this story . . . in a less than pleased light. As such, I’m going to include here my own thoughts on the matter.
I do not have anything against the fight for equality, or those who are honestly trying to stand up to those who may oppress them.

HOWEVER, I do have a problem with someone who will stand there and say that they are oppressed when they are clearly not, who will shout about equality and the evil of racism/sexism, and then turn around and used racist/sexist slurs against others and think they can get away with this because of their own race/sex, and who will turn a blind eye to any sort of facts or statistics that go against their own personal beliefs of how the world works.

Sadly, this is very much a thing in our world, and I would seek to put an end to it, if I could. Unfortunately, most of the time, arguing with these people is a lost cause, as they will always have an answer for everything you say, and if they don’t, then they will simply choose to ignore you.

Come on, ponies. Don’t be that person! Fight for true equality! Fight against prejudice, no matter the form it takes! Harmonia Resurgens! Harmony Rising!