Celestia and the Mild Inconvenience
“You shall rue this day, Princess Celestia!” Perfect Order, janitor of Canterlot Castle, cried with an accusatory hoof pointed at the Princess, “Rue it!”
The charcoal grey pony with slicked back black mane galloped out of the throne room, slamming the doors behind himself.
This left a bewildered Celestia sitting upon her throne, eating a delicious rhubarb and cucumber sandwich on rye.
One of the guards standing by the Princess turned to her and asked, “What did you do?”
Celestia, mustering all of the regality and dignity of her position, shrugged.
Perfect Order sat behind a potted fern in the east wing of the castle. It was early morning, and Princess Celestia was due to trot down this hallway on her way to the throne room to start day court.
He glared through the foliage at a particular spot, in the hallway in which a devious pony had placed a plush sofa in the center of the hallway so as to block anypony from trotting past.
The devious pony being him.
Perfect knew, with the mildly inconvenient placement of the couch, Princess Celestia would have no choice but to move it from her path.
It was so devilishly inconvenient.
Right on cue, Princess Celestia trotted down the hallway. She stood tall and regal with her bed mane and drooping gaze.
Perfect fought the urge to cackle as he rubbed his hooves together mischievously. It was thematically appropriate, but he did not wish to give away his position by making too much noise.
The Princess stopped before the couch, blinked, and then proceeded to step over the couch.
Or stumble over it, as Celestia was known for not being graceful until at least six.
In the evening.
As Celestia continued her trot down the hallway, Perfect stared after her.
He was flabbergasted.
What kind of pony just climbs over a couch?
It was unspeakable!
She could have gotten it dirty with her filthy, filthy hooves.
Clearly he needed to up his game.
Perfect stood behind a pillar in the lobby leading to the throne room. In a burst of devious inspiration, he had replaced all the carpets leading to the throne room with subpar, wool rugs.
Not just any wool though, the worst wool. It had a terrible scratchy texture and made ponies’ hooves itch on contact. It was an infuriating experience that had soured the expression of many ponies prior.
It was guaranteed to cause the Princess mild displeasure.
Princess Celestia exited the throne room and into the lobby. As she made contact with the carpet, she paused and scratched experimentally with a hoof on the rough texture.
Yes!
She tilted her head as she mulled over the scratchy wool carpets and finally smiled.
No!
As the Princess continued her trot away from the throne room, Perfect Order felt a twitch begin in his left eye.
This meant war.
After several more failed attempts at inconveniencing the Princess, mainly due to the Celestia’s obliviousness or strange tastes, Perfect Order was certain that his latest scheme would work.
It had to, since he was running out of sick leave.
He was in the Royal Dining Room at the end of the long table with only his eyes and the top of his mane showing above the edge.
Several ponies who had walked by had given a long look, but had ultimately decided to let him be as he wasn’t causing any harm.
Little did they know the dastardly plot about to unfold for at the end of the table was a cup of tea, but not just any cup of tea!
No, it was dastardly tea.
Or Jasmine if you wanted to be literal.
Perfect Order had prepared a cup for Princess Celestia’s afternoon tea and had done the unthinkable most heinous act yet.
He had made it fractionally more bitter than the Princess’s usual standard. Surely, it would cause her mild displeasure.
This was what Perfect Order thought, as he stared intently at the place setting at the table with his left eye twitching and mane askew.
With the most perfect of timing from somepony who had their schedule booked down to the last minute, Princess celestia entered the Royal Dining Room.
Perfect Order waited with barely contained anticipation as the Princess sat before her cup of tea.
She brought the cup up to her muzzle with her magic.
She took a deep breath and savoured the aroma of Jasmine.
After what had been, at least to Perfect Order, an eternity, Celestia took a sip.
She smiled contentedly.
“How?!” Perfect Order exclaimed as he stood up from his hiding place at the other end of the table.
Celestia looked blankly at Perfect, “How what, my little pony?”
Perfect stomped over to the Princess. His mane had started to spring in different directions, and his eye twitch had become noticeably more pronounced.
“How could you possibly enjoy such bitter tea?” Perfect yelled.
“Ah, so that was the change in my usual tea I couldn’t place,” Celestia took another sip of her tea, “I presume that was your doing?”
“Yes!” Perfect Order stomped a hoof for emphasis.
“Then you have my thanks for a most delicious tea,” Celestia smiled brightly.
There was a long pause of silence. Perfect Order’s face was becoming noticeably red with fury at being thwarted yet again by the Princess.
“You weren’t supposed to enjoy it!” Perfect shook with barely restrained fury, “You were supposed to be mildly displeased with it and then inconvenienced by the need to brew another cup of tea.”
Celestia frowned, “Why would you wish such a small misery on me, my little pony?”
“Because you must RUE THE DAY!” Perfect raised a hoof in accusation at the Princess.
“And why must I ‘rue the day’ as you so aptly put?” Celestia inquired.
“Because,” Perfect stood straight as he made his declaration, “You ate my sandwich.”
Celestia tilted her head as she searched her memories for when such an event occurred. However, she could not recall when she had done such a thing.
“When have I ever eaten your sandwich?” Celestia asked.
“When I put it down in the throne room to fetch a broom to sweep,” Perfect Order stated, “I had been gone for only a few minutes at most when I returned to see you commit such a grievous scene.”
“Do you mean the rhubarb and cucumber sandwich on rye?”
“Yes!”
“It was delicious.”
“I wouldn’t know since you ate it!”
“Oh, that is unfortunate,” Celestia replied, “Is that why you’ve been trying to get me to ‘rue the day’?”
“Indeed,” Perfect Order said with a pout, “I’ve been trying to cause mild inconvenience to you for days now.”
“Ah, those most interesting changes to my daily routine were you’re doing?”
“Yes, and I shall continue forever more unless you feel mild inconvenience,” Perfect Order said resolutely.
Princess Celestia put a hoof to her muzzle in thought. She tapped idly until she dropped her hoof once more and smiled seeming to have come to a conclusion.
“Well, then we must fix this most grievous of offenses,” Celestia stood up, “Wait here.”
The Princess then trotted off as Perfect Order continued to stand rigidly in place. After a time the Princess returned.
In her magic she carried a plate with the most delicious, most spectacular, most amazing sandwich that had ever been seen by ponykind. This sandwich was a masterpiece of the best ingredients and perfect presentation.
As she approached Perfect, she lowered the plate in front of him and offered the sandwich.
“It is yours,” Celestia stated.
With tears in his eyes, Perfect Order reached for the sandwich. With this, his grudge would be lifted and he would finally taste the most tastiest of sandwiches.
That is he would have if Celestia did not smack it onto the floor.
In mute horror, Perfect Order watched as Celestia ground the sandwich into the floor with her hoof and then set it on fire leaving nothing but ash.
Perfect Order looked up to meet the Princess’s passive gaze.
There was a long period of silence.
“YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY, CELESTIA,” Perfect Order bellowed, “YOU WILL RUE IT. YOU WILL RUE IT TOMORROW, NOW AND FOREVER, AS I DEDICATE MY LIFE TO FULFILLING VENGEANCE AGAINST YOU FOR MY SANDWICH, WITH MILDLY INCONVENIENCING ACTS OF ANNOYANCE.”
With his declaration of war complete, Perfect Order galloped out of the room.
Celestia smiled warmly.
“I’m counting on it.”