Nacho Human

by Funkyfresh

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Adventure
Length: 1369

Cosmic fuckery produces this interesting situation. Human, Knowledge, and Nachos. These were the wishes that sent a human to Equestria.

Cosmic Genie goes 'fuck it' and send a human to Equestria to fulfill three wishes at once.
1. Lyra's desire to meet a human.
2. Twilight's desire to read books 'nopony' has ever read before
3. Human's desire for some nachos
Resulting in a human being teleported onto the table that Twilight and Lyra had been sharing whilst eating some nachos. How will he react? How will they? What about the Nachos?!

No set direction yet, but I hope you enjoy and I am open to suggestions.

Published 2018-09-04 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-04 23:10:01 UTC

Nacho Hand, Nacho Book, and Nacho Cheese.

In a small restaurant in Canterlot,

"So Lyra, I'm glad that I was able to see someone from Ponyville during my visit, but what are you doing in Canterlot?" Twilight said, before biting into here daisy sandwich.

"Well I was visiting some of my family here as well as checking in with the 'Human Enthusiast Club' when I spotted you Twilight. I just wish some of the ponies back in Ponyville would join the club, then we could start a chapter right in Ponyville!" Lyra looked a bit down for a moment, but perked up again when her plate of nachos arrived.

"I can just imagine a human eating something like this Twi. Their hands would be perfect for foods like nachos, their fingers finding the perfect spot to grab one without having to worry about getting cheese all over their hoof like we do."

"While I don't much care for all the fuss you and the other ponies of that club make over some fictional sentient monkey, the idea of reading a book from an unknown species that nopony has read before does sound nice."

"Then make a nacho wish with me Twilight!" Seeing her confused look Lyra continued, "It's something me and some of my old friends would do over nachos."

Giving a short chuckle, Twilight picks up a nacho and hold it up, "I wish I could read books that nopony has ever read before."

"And I wish that I could meet a real, live human!" With this they bumped nachos and took a bite.

Elsewhere a hungry student on his way to class,

"I hate not being able to taste test this bad boy right now," He said as he hoisted up his delectable masterpiece of a black forest cake. "Man I wish I had some nachos right about now."

Even more elsewhere, a Cosmic Genie,

"This is going to be fun to watch"

Back in the restaurant in Canterlot

All ponies in the restaurant gasp and stare as some weird bipedal creature is spat out of a portal that suddenly appeared near one of the tables where a purple alicorn and a mint green unicorn sat.

"Ow, my fucking head... The fuck!" I yell as I stand up and see a purple pega-corn and a mint green unicorn sitting in front of me, the nachos they held flopping back onto the plate. Seeing my cake was still in one piece and sitting safely on its plate I breath a sigh of relief, before turning my attention back to the trippy equines in front of me. "Please let this not be one of really weird dreams.

All of a sudden the mint one lets out something between a squee and a happy nicker, and proceeds to grab one of my hands while babbling nonsense about 'magic nachos' to the purple one. The purple one starts to admonish the mint one, but her eyes light up upon seeing my satchel with the edge of my textbook poking out. Then I'm nearly getting choked out because she used some telekinesis bullshit to yank my bag towards her, while the other is still babbling about 'hands' and 'magic nachos' while nearly molesting my hand.

I'm very reasonably pissed right now so I bark a quick, "Shut it!" Causing the two of them to slacken their holds on me and my belongings. I don't like the whole 'I will watch you as you sleep' they have on, so I decide it's time to make and exit. Being a bit of a thespian though, I have to make it a big exit.

"This, is nacho hand! This, is nacho book!" I snatch back the respective articles as I say this. "And this! Is nacho cheese." I scoop up a chip and eat it as I grab my things, cake included, and book it out the door.

Leaving the two surprised ponies in the store, I find that I'm inside a larger building as I walk out into a corridor rather than a street. Hearing those two scramble for the door, I make a quick decision and head down the hallway to the right while trying to avoid knocking into the startled ponies in the hall. I did not know the way out and the two scary ponies were still chasing me so I took turns at random, seeking shorter hallways so that I could use my turning ability to counter their speed. As I raced by, the freak out that I should have had back there starts worming its way into my head. The fear and tension growing and building to a breaking point in my skull, when I finally turned down the wrong hallway.

Skidding to a halt, I saw that at the end of this hall was a great white pega-corn with multiple guardponies by her side. Turning around only yielded the sight of the two from earlier with guards backing them up as well. Seeing a literal window of opportunity, I dashed out to a balcony and looked below. I finally snapped as I looked down at the great distance between myself and the ground. I began to laugh nervously as I saw the ponies approaching.

"Gotta be a dream, has to be some crazy dream right?" I asked to no one in particular. "Gotta wake up now, gotta wake up. How do you wake up from a dream when you know you're in one again?" I asked to nobody again.

Oh, that right... (GoT spoiler ahead) You make a King's Landing.

As I stood up on the balcony edge I heard a voice cry out in fear behind me, "Wait! You can't fly."

Turning around and seeing it was the mint unicorn, I answered, "Yes, but it's the only way out of a dream you know."

"Dream! This isn't a dream, please come back inside!" This time it was the purple pega-corn who spoke.

"Of course it's a dream, silly pony. There's talking ponies with magic and wings everywhere, what else could this be?"

"You felt her touching your hand and felt the strap pulling your neck earlier right? This is not a dream and you are in danger. Please come back inside before you hurt yourself."

Feelings of fear and bout raged inside my mind as I looked between the ponies and the drop below. Then the regal pony who had blocked my path spoke to me.

"Come now, there is nothing to fear from us. Why don't we all just calm down, sit down and talk about all of this over some cake and tea. Hmm?" She finished this with a kind smile that could have melted the iceberg that sunk the titanic.

Feeling the warmth and security that radiated off of this pony, I was able to calm down and think about this all logically. Well, nothing about the scenario was logical, but that purple one was right. I could feel everything and there was far too much bullshit going on to be a dream that I made. So taking a deep breathe and consolidating myself I stepped away from the balcony and grabbed my black forest cake from where it sat.

"I accept your offer, though I hope you ponies can eat black forest cake." I said holding it up for them to see.

The regal white pony stepped forward and levitated my cake towards her, inhaling deep with a satisfied look on her face. As she did so the various guards in the hall rose out of their combative stances and filed out, except for two who stood behind her. Noticing the crown upon her head and the weight she held with the others I decided to er on the side of caution and dropped to a knee and bowed my head towards her.

"Please rise, there is much to discuss my little human."

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of Nacho Human. I want it to be at least slightly comedic, but I have no real set direction for the story so far.
Leave any suggestions in the comments and thanks for the read.