I Am The... Hero!

by Chemtest

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Crystal Ponies, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 8015

The Bananaramma Corporation, the place led by a villain, well, not exactly anymore.

Emperor McBad, villain, hybrid, Emperor of Bananaramma (previously the Crystal Empire), Liberator of the Equestrian Republic.

His Empire including reformed villains of all kinds, his technology advanced, and his Corporation safely in peace. Sounds like he should be able to lean back and relax, right?

Yeah, as if things are going to be normal around McBad.

Published 2018-09-04 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-09 02:02:06 UTC

Another Day

I stretch as I wake up from my bed. Gah, my moustach is all messed up! I grumble, and get up to walk over to my bathroom.

Egh, these hairs are longer than the others! My monocle, dirty! My suit, the same as ever! The hat, upside down!

I set to fixing up my appearance. Come on, only one month in a war and my beauty falls apart like this! Ridiculous, frightfully silly I say! It’s just fecked everything up!

No problem, I just need to turn the hat around, and put my monocle under the water. Then, pluck these hairs.

I start the delicate process of clipping off all the hair that’s fecked up. Just this one last hair... very stubborn.

”Assertivness, yeah!”

The shouting makes me yank out the entire hair. Ouch! Motherfecker, that hurt! Ahh, hurts too much, need coffee to get rid of pain.

I pull a mug out of my hat, and tap it with my wand, “Coffies Apparatus!”

Coffee fills up my mug instantly, and I take a sip of the smooth caffeine. Perfect way to start off any morning.

Now, what fecker caused me to pull my hair out!? I swear, he better say sorry for the absolute travesty he’s caused, or so help me I will be slightly inconvenienced!

I pull out my fob watch from my suit pocket. 9:13. Way too early to deal with this shit.

I put away the watch, smooth out my cape, and set down the hallway.

I don’t know who did that, I don’t know what they want, but I will find them, and I will make them say sorry.

———

”Look at all the weaklings in the crowd, cowards! Not able to stand up for yourself, right!?”

I push open the main palace doors leading directly outside. I march outside with mild annoyance.

I see a Minotaur in front of me, and a crowd of my citizens in front of him, “If you aren’t one hundred percent satisfied by this course, you get all your money back, guaranteed!”

I move up behind him, “Let me guess, if they buy one now, they get another free? Oh wait, if you take this course now, you get a free shamwow at the end!? Oh, did I get it correct!?”

The minotuar hears my sarcastic tone from behind him, and spins around to look at me, “See ponies, by the end of this course, you can approach others just like that! Step one: Don’t be shy, look them in the eye!”

I tap him on the shoulder, “Yeah, sorry buddy-“

He interrupts me, “Dont apologize when you can criticize!”

I wipe his spit off of my face, “Yeah, okay, sure. Look, do you have a slot open? I don’t remember signing the sheet that said you could present here. That means you should go.”

He smiles, “Treat me like a pushover, you’ll get the once over!”

I rub my aching ears, “Look, maybe you didn’t hear me.”

He looks back to the crowd, “Maybes are for babies!”

I rub my eyes, “Look, I’ve had a rough morning.”

He looks around, “Attack the day!”

I look right at him, “You need to leave.”

He looks right into my eyes, “When something tries to block, show them you rock!”

“Okay.” I pull him down by his horns to look right into my face, “Look at what your noise did to my moustach!”

He looks at my moustach, and cringes, “Oh, yikes.”

I nod, “Yeah, you have slightly inconvenienced me. That is the highest crime one can have!”

He laughs a bit, “Really?!”

I look right into his eyes, “If you laugh in my face, it’s time to erase!”

He responds right back, “You make me lose, I blow my fuse!”

I let go of him, and look at him again, “Say, I have a solution that works. You teach people to be assertive, and you sound like a family friendly Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. You need to be absolved of crimes, I need someone who could train the citizens to be fighters just in case. How about we solve these two problems, whatever your name is?”

He strikes a pose, “Iron Will is the name, making ponies assertive is my game! Iron will is listening to your solution.”

I nod, “Good, well I think we could work well together. You’re an independent businessman, I can respect that. But, I imagine you probably want a stable salary, right?”

He nods, “Iron Will would appreciate getting a steady income, but nothing ever wanted to hire him for his seminars. So I travel, town to town, trying to help ponies become more assertive.”

I smile, “Well, your seminars might work wonders in getting my populous assertive and ready to fight, just in case. I will absolve you of your crime, pay you steadily, and use your services. I need your help, you want my help, quid pro quo.”

He thinks it over, “And what happens if I don’t sign?”

I smile darkly, “You will be chased out of town by our resident cannibal vampire old man. I don’t think you want to try and run from Jim Pickens. He will follow you, he will find you, he will lock you in his basement, and will probably kill you in some hilarious way. That’s not to mention Jim’s Cult, and if there was anything worse than Pickens hunting you down, it’s Pickens and his Cult members (including the Grim Reaper I might add) chasing you down together.”

He looks shaken up, “What if I get across the border before they get me?”

I laugh, “Oh, you think Pickens cares about the law!? Oh, that’s rich. No, even if you get across that border, your a dead fecker. If you manage to get across that border, Grognak will come after you too. Grognak and Pickens are a combination you don’t mess with if you want to live. So, choose wise, a stable income? Or being chased down by Jim Pickens until your half eaten, yet still alive, body is locked in his basement?”

He takes the contract in my hands quickly, and signs, “Very well, Iron Will shall help you!”

I take back the contract, “Excellent. Carry on with your show.”

I return to my throne room, hearing him start up again. I check the time.

10:49...

It’s going to be a long day.

So Nobody Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

I sit upon my throne, taking sips of my coffee. It’s been quiet for a while now. I take out my watch, and check it. 12:30. Time to set down the coffee and eat I guess.

I hope the rest of today is peaceful. Tirek is having a concert later today, and I would like to be in attendance. Starlightgrad is doing well, Chrysalis hasn’t spoken about any problems, and my lunch is here.

A delightful meal of banana smoothie, banana pie, banana based meat, banana bread, and bananas. I meal sure to make all your bones strong and healthy!

I walk up to the table, pleased to see my personal guards already sitting down to eat. Good, this is why so many fight to get this position. I smile at the guards as I sit, “Well, today has been surprisingly peaceful, don’t you think?”

One of them tries to rush over to me, and make me shut up. He arrives too late, “Emperor, you’ve jinxed it!”

I look him in the eye, and have the nerve to smile, “Whats the worst that-“

The guard manages to stop me this time, “Sir, are you suicidal!? You can’t say that, or suffer the curse of Murphy!”

I balk, and he releases my mouth, “Shit. I believe we are already screwed, men. Let’s just go ahead and eat before fate strikes me for what I said.”

So, we sit, and eat. Let me say, I love banana, this food is great. I don’t know how the cooks got banana to have the same taste and nutrients as bacon. Fecking legends they are. Honestly, tastes better than Chez Llama.

But, all good things come to an end as a guard comes rushing up to me, “Sir, Princess Twilight calls upon you!”

I nod, and stand up, “Set up a teleporter then.”

Two guards crawl from under the table, and place an active portal on the ground, “Already done, Sir!”

I smile towards them, “Thank you, soldiers.” I straighten my cape and bow tie, before walking forward, “Time to see what I got myself into this time.”

They salute as I walk through, “Good luck, sir!”

———

I step through the other side, and find myself in the middle of the Castle of Friendship. I honestly wish we had trademarked crystals, just so we could profit off of this places existance. It’s like the Bananaramma palace, except it’s brighter, empty, and doesn’t have our beautiful flag everywhere. Not to mention the name ‘Castle of Friendship’? It’s jot even a castle, it’s a palace! If this was a place of Friendship, there would probably be more than two things that live here.

Ugh, whatever, your not here to listen about my rants on how this place could be better. You’re here to see what happens.

So, I’m in the central place with that weird map they have. I look around to see five mares sitting there, missing Pinkie, and a few Yaks. One specifically has on a crown. I look directly at Twilight, “So, why am I here?”

Twilight smiles sheepishly, “Well, you see...”

The Yak interrupts, “Yaks declare war on Ponies!”

I slap my head, and look over at Twilight, “Please tell me that my hearing is just impaired.”

She shakes her head, “Nope, you heard it. They declared war.”

I sigh, and look over to the yak, “What authority?”

He puts out his chest, “I am Prince Rutherford!”

I nod slowly, “So, you a Prince, declare war as you sit in the center of the very nation you declared war on?”

Rutherford nods, “Yes!”

My eye twitches a little bit, “How much of an idiot are you?”

He blows the hair out of his eyes, trying to intimidate me, “You insult Yak?! Yak declare war on you to!”

I slowly nod, “You’re serious about this?”

He nods proudly, “On my name as Prince!”

I sigh, and slip out my wand, “Then Yakyakistan is at war against Equestia and the Bananaramma Corporation, and possibly the entire Revolutionaries Concordat if I want to call them in. Oh, and guess what, your now a prisoner of war! Lay down any weapons, and be escorted to a cell.”

The Prince looks around, “Wait, no, you can’t do that!”

His guards start to advance on me, and I hold up my wand, “I said to surrender.”

They charge at me.

Now, thing about the map, it has every little detail in it. My palace in particular has a lot of holes in it, and the like. These guards threatened me, and now are going to try and kill me.

Then the bois come through. Somehow manageing to pull themselves through the holographic holes in the map’s palace. Guards rain down from the roof above me, some come bursting through walls. One guard takes out a confetti popper, but instead of confetti, an entire other squad come through.

Guards come crawling out of my opponents nose, and... let’s just say one came out on the other side. The dedication they have to do that is beyond my imagination.

Of course, they surround the Yaks, and make them stop with the threat of death. No blows are exchanged, the Yaks simply looking at the spears near their necks.

I laugh at the surprised looks on the Yaks faces, “Guards, escort them to the finest Crystal prisons.”

The Prince looks right at me, “You will be crushed under the combined forces of the other countries. Griffonia, Hoofler, Minotauria, all shall crush you! Your outnumberd and outmatched!”

I lean down to look the Prince in the eye, “You are on the outmatched and outnumberd side here. Seven experienced nations, all with giant armies that have just fought. Against your puny four, who haven’t fought in a thousand years. Think for a minute what your rash decision will cost. Remember who has the most food in the world, the highest technology in the world. Remember that this was all your fault.” I look at my guards, “Take him away.”

My guards pull him away, and Twilight starts to tear up, “The first war in a thousand years... all because of me.”

I pat her on the head, “I’ll just go to the King, and explain at how his son sniffed to much glue and needs to be picked up. I’m on good relations with him, we should be fine.”

She looks up into my eyes, “And if war does happen?”

I continue patting her, “I’ll instruct my armies to use non-leathal tactics.”

Does it Have to Be This Way

I smooth out some wrinkles in my suit as I wait for the Yak King to come. I requested a meeting, and he immediately responded. I lightly suck on a peppermint stick made to look like a cigar, enjoying the cooling feeling. I lean back in my seat, setting my feet up on the table. Then, I hear the door open.

I put my feet back down, and nod at the King as he enters, “King Yaksky, pleasure to see you.”

The King sits down opposite of me, “Same for you, Emperor McBad. If I may ask, why am I here?”

I nod, “Yeah, I can awnser that easily. Your son’s clapped, and he went too deep into the glue before declaring war on Equestia and me.”

He looks at me in shock, “Did you just say he was deep into the glue?! How dare you!”

I raise an eyebrow, “Yeah, why is that so offensive?”

Yaksky simmers his anger, “I’ll assume you don’t know what that means then. Deep in the glue is a heavy insult that implies the one insulted is an inferior being to the ponies. Glue being made of hooves back when this was made, and slaves would be at the hooves, so they were deep in the glue.”

I widen my eyes, “Oh hell no, I didn’t think about that. Back home, kids would sniff glue, losing brain cells and being high. So if someone acted like they were high, and missed brain cells, they were deep in the glue.”

He calms all the way, “Okay then, glad we cleared that up. So, why am I here?”

I smile, “Your son has been taken prisoner until you could come pick him up. I also need you to explain at how his declaration of war was fake, and say that peace shall be kept.”

Yaksky frowns, “I’m afraid I can do neither.”

I look up at him, “What does that mean.”

He tries to move sympatheticly, “I’m getting old, my son is going to replace me soon. If I call his decision stupid now, then he will be seen as an easy target by other counties. Yakyakistan must survive after I’m gone, and calling peace now would undermine that. So, I’m afraid the declaration has to go through.”

I slam my fist into the table, and look him dead in the eye, “Listen here, and listen good. If you declare war on me and Equestia, many will die. I may take mercy on your people, order non-lethal tactics, but I cannot guarantee my allies will do the same. I ask not for peace out of worry for what might happen to my people, but for your people.”

Yaksky laughs in my face, “Your two puny countries are nothing against our four! You shall be crushed under Yak hooves, picked off by Gryphons, demolished by Minotaurs, and runed over by Hoofler’s war machines! Let’s just skip that, and solve this peacefully. You surrender as soon as the war starts, and no blood will be spilt.”

I put my eyes right in front of his, “Surrender? I’m British, we have a penitent to never surrender. If you declare this war, you suffer the consequences. Your hooves will be cut by our Crystal walls, your gryphons will fall out of the sky as the Pearl picks them off, the minotaur forces shall drown in the wave of bodies from the Equestrian combined forces, Hoofler’s puny weapons shall be not but dust and ash as Striders march into their cities. The Revolutionaries Concordat shall march into your towns, we will take over, and we will replace your royalty with representatives of our own.”

He looks back, “Empty threats.”

My glare intensifies, “Do you want to take that chance? Do you want to gamble with the lives of innocents? Look me in the eyes and awnser. Do you care so little about your people that you would gladly ante up with their lives?”

He looks in my eyes, then looks away, “You’re trying to intimidate me!”

I only continue glaring into him, “Do you dare declare war on me? I know that I could take your capital with one squad. But do you know that? Do you want to take that chance? Do you dare?”

Yaksky takes one big breath, and looks me in the eye, “I dare. Your petty threats do not scare me. Next time we meet, I shall be marching into this palace.”

I glare into his eyes, “You are a monster. You are clapped. I’ll be happy when I see your and your sons heads roll. What you’ve just done can not be taken back, remember that. The first war in a thousand years, all because of a monster. I will keep my promise when I say my army will not try to kill, but those that aren’t in my army might just do so. When you see your army laying slaughtered all because of one man, your people will see the monster you are. When your allies are decimated and their people lie dead, you will only have yourself to blame. All because of what you are, a monster.”

He flinches a bit, “Can I get my son now?”

I have my wand against his forehead instantly, “Get out. Get the fuck out.” I fight the urge to fire, “Run! Run for your life before I decide to take it away! Run the fuck away and tell your people about the fucking monster you are! Run before your head exists no more!”

Yaksky quickly rushes off, leaving me there. A guard approachs me, “What do we do sir?”

I grimace, “Go to your Captain, mobilize, prepare. I have someone to talk with.”

The guard rushes off, pressing the mobilize red button. I stand up, and head off.

———

I enter the home with a graveyard surrounding it. An observatory, meat eating cow plants, garlic in a fenced off area, and an outdoor pool with a food stand. I move through, and knock on the door, “Hello?”

The door opens slightly, and he peaks his head out, “McBad, I haven’t murdered anyone recently, why are you here?”

I hand him a sheet of paper, “Jim Pickens, I call upon you for a war.”

He takes the paper, “War, eh?”

I nod, “We are at war, and I think it’s time you did what you do best.”

He looks at me excitedly, “I get to keep them in the basement?”

I nod, “Until the war is done, you may keep those you capture in your basement.”

He nods quickly, “I’ll get the Cult ready right away.”

An Unexpected Visitor

I sit and sigh on my throne. It is sad that war has had to come to our lands, but I hope we can beat them back quickly and mercifully. Or at least, that’s what I was doing, then there was a bright flash of light and proofing noise. My guards immediately point all weapons towards the disturbance.

What stands there is an odd sight, to say the least. A demon, to put it simply. Humanoid, red, horns, forked tongue, and two arms in the air. The man smiles, and looks around, “Hey now, no need to be so aggressive. That’s supposed to be my job.”

I stand up, and walk down to the creature, “At ease, guards.”

They put down their weapons, and the thing takes out two glasses. He pours some drink into the two glasses, and picks one up, “Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a man of wealth and taste.”

I slightly nod, “I am Emperor McBad.”

He takes a swig, and smiles, “Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name.”

I take in his appearance, “You look like a stereotypical demon.”

He shrugs, “Close enough. Names Pony Satan, call me Satan. I hear you are a friend of one of my mates, one by the name of Chem?”

I nod, “Yep, that Irish drunkard. So, he’s a friend of Satan. I have to admit I am not surprised.”

He leans on the table, “So, I was bored, and heard you were at war. That’s why I am here today.”

I take a seat, “Well, continue.”

He gladly takes a seat as well, “I am here to offer you the literal army of Tartarus. Say, I take on Hoofler’s armies.”

I lean back, “And what is the price?”

He thinks for a bit, “Well, Tartarus needs some friends. So, if we could join together, that’d be wonderful. Basically, I want to join the Revolutionaries Concordat. I would act as a first responder, being that Tartarus is a universal constant.”

I nod, “Well, if you wanted to join, you had just ask. So, you take Hoofler’s armies?”

He nods, “I have experience against his armor and weapons. You forget, I was there when people marched against the real Hitler. A large majority of my army are used to fighting against armor like his, being that they are from that war.” He takes another sip of his whiskey, “You said you could take the entire Yak capital with one squad. I want to see that. Then I will gladly join your war.”

I slightly nod, “So, you will join after we take out the Yak capital with the Cult?”

He smiles, “That is what I said, yes.”

I turn to face one of my guards, “Ready the Cult.”

The guard gets a look of apprehension on his face, “Including Pickins?”

I nod gravely, “He is our most powerful asset, and he is ready to move. Get him.”

The guard salutes, and moves off, “Yes Sir!”

I turn back to face Satan, “Get your armies ready then. The Yak capital shall be captured within two days.”

Satan smiles, and clacks his fingers together, “Oh, this will be fun to see.”

Call Him Kevin

—(POV, none)—

A single man walks towards the reinforced castle within the capital of Yakyakistan called Yakville. The entire army of the country descends upon him, all five hundred. They were not prepared for this war.

The Yak commander marches forth from his army. He stops when in talking distance, “Turn around, and we won’t kill you.”

The man smiles, looking past his round glasses to the Yak, “Funny, I was going to say the same thing. Turn around, and you might survive. Face me, and I will get many paintings out of you.”

The Yak scoffs, “As if one creature could defeat an entire army.”

He laughs, his grey beard moving with his mouth, “That’s your mistake. You assume I am alone.”

A fog descends upon the town, “What is this!?”

Jim taps his foot impatiently, “They better not be searching for frogs.”

Then, stepping out of the fog, are more figures wearing white robes. They all carry daggers, and cut a intimidating visage with the fog blocking out their faces. They all walk up next to Jim. One of them speaks in a strange, echoing voice, “We are ready to serve, Lord Pickens.”

He smiles, and points at two Yaks. They catch on fire, and a bolt of lighting travels out to them. Jim waves his hand around as buildings around them start to collapse. He nods, “Bring them down.”

The Cult nods, and hold out their daggers as one. Fire and lighting fill the air as they aim toward the Yaks.

The Yaks rally, and try to charge at the Cult. Jim simply raises his hands, and commands the buildings around them. The Yaks are stopped in their tracks as they are trapped within four walls. The building now around them is unbroken, no matter how hard they try.

Jim turns to one of the Cult, “Bring me Jog Manson, Grognak, Human Racket, and Seven Tails. Introduce them to the Yaks. I hear they haven’t eaten in a while.”

They nod, “At once, Lord Pickens.”

He nods back, “Thank you, Grim.”

The walls constructed around the army is see through, and the Yak Commanded shouts at Jim, “What are you!? What kind of powers are these!?”

He smiles, and walks up to the Yak, “I am Jim Pickens. My power is my friend. Call him Kevin.”

Then, the people requested show up. They walk through the wall, and into the Yak army. They start to laugh maniacally, and the Yaks cower.

Jim turns to Grim, and the Cult, “Make sure none leave. I have given them a meal. Make them enjoy it, and clean their plate.”

Grim nods, “My pleasure, Lord Pickens.”

With another wave of his hand, Jim turns into a bat. He flies up to a balcony, leading into the throne room.

He turns back into his human self, and walks in. The throne room is filled with twelve Yaks. Two rulers, ten guards.

Slipping his own dagger out, Pickens waits for the guards to approach.

The first one has his charge cut short when his throat is slashed out. Another is set on fire to burn alive, and yet another is electrocuted.

Pivoting on his feet, Pickens impales the head of a guard, throwing the body into the spear of another. The dead guards body still carries a spear, and the one stopped by the dead one impales himself upon that spear.

One gets close enough to stab, but is stopped when he is frozen solid and broken into shards. Another approaches, but steps back when Pickens screams at him. The scream is scary enough that the guard dies from a heart attack.

The remaining three step back in fear. Jim takes out a drink and splashes it on one of them. The guard collapses from the poison within the drink.

Jim rushes the last two, and stabs one in the heart with his dagger. He vaults over the dead body, and lands behind the final one. With hands around head, and a bit of vampiric strength, he breaks the neck of the guard.

Summoning his dagger from the body of the guard, he turns to face the two rulers. Licking the blood from his blade, he smiles at the two, “Hello there, King and Prince. Oh, what am I to do with you?”

’Lock them up.’

Pickens scratches his beard, “Lock them up? Eh, I don’t think these two can pant. Maybe something else?”

’Then do with them as you shall.’

The King shudders at the voice speaking, “Who is that!?”

Pickens turns to face him, “Oh, him? Call him Kevin. Well, you can’t call him Kevin. Soon, you won’t be able to call anything.”

He approaches the King, running his tongue against his canines. The King shakes, “What are you going to do?”

Pickens holds his face within his hands, “Something you won’t like. Feel free to scream. It fills me with satisfaction to hear my works products.”

Decending onto the Kings neck, Jim bites in deeply. He feels the blood rush, and takes a deep drink of the sweet nectar of life. The King tries to scream, but all that comes up is more blood.

Not that it matters, his son makes up for it, “Ahhhhh!”

In fact, his son actually did something smart for once. He tried to run toward the exit. Tried, being the main word. He runs into a wall constructed from nothing, as Pickens stops him without even looking.

He throws down the King’s lifeless body, and looks toward the Prince. Wiping the blood from his beard and mouth. He twirls his dagger around, “Long live the King, am I right?”

Reaching the Prince, he grabs hold of his head, and forces him forward. Pushing his dagger forward, and slowly moving around the eye of the young Prince. Then, stabbing forward, and taking it out like a meatball. Tossing it to the side, he goes wild with his dagger stabs, looking like Pagen Min with his dagger.

After he is done, he stands up, and walks out to the balcony.

In the street building made for the army, all that’s left are four people and Yak bones.

The Cult walk through the street, right below the balcony. They cheer a single crescendo, “Dear Leader Jim Pickens!”

The Army of Tartarus

—(POV, McBad)—

I smile as I read a report from Yakville, dated a week ago. I knew they were defeated, at least, Satan did. He prepared his army. And hearing from my squad of frankly terrifying people is a great part of my day.

No casualties on our side, five hundred and twelve on their side. The nation of Yakyakistan has capitulated. Jim Pickens has got the populace painting for him. How I know? Well, the report is written on the back of a painting. The painting being one of, of course, Jim Pickens.

I look to Cross at my side, “I’m debating this. Should I hang this up, or keep it off?”

She shrugs, “Why would you want it up?”

I look at the painting, “I mean, it was made from basically slave labor, but it still looks good. I love how they managed to capture the absolute fear caused by being in his presence. And look at that hair, those glasses! So detailed, it would be a sin not to use this.”

Cross nods, “Well, Mister Pickens is quite a vain man. I think hanging this up could guarantee his loyalty for a bit. Maybe a hall of heroes. Hang up paintings of war vets and heroes.”

I snap, and nod, “That’s a wonderful idea! Let’s do that after we’re done with this war. Speaking of the war, anything I need to know?”

She takes out a clipboard, “Equestria is pushing the Griffons back to Griffonstone with the assistance of our 23rd Division. We have yet to hear of any casualties outside of Griffon ones. The Minotaur theater is being held back by a combined force of the 1st and 2nd Starlightgrad Regiments, and Changeling infiltration. The Minotaur have lost over a thousand by tactical poisoning from the Changelings, five of ten High Generals have been assasinated, and another ten thousand by ambushes. Half their force is gone. We have suffered about one hundred casualties, including wounded. Sergeant Will has trained another Regiment, ready to reinforce any front.”

I nod, “Tell them to support Starlightgrad. Get Tirek to preform a song out there to inspire the troops. What has Lightning done?”

She flips to another paper, “He says that improvements have been made on the mechs. He has reinforced the design to withstand more damage without the sacrifice of speed or maneuverability. He also added something called a H.U.D, a Heads Up Display that can display system information, enemy information, spot projectiles, receive orders, and speed up reactions. He also invented something called a ‘Lightning Shock’ a type of device that sends out a burst of lightning when it goes off. Another thing called a ‘McBad Cocktail’ a bottle of alcohol, a rag, and a lighter that can set things on fire when thrown. A grappling hook for both infantry and mechs that allows them to grapple onto things, called a ‘Cross Grapple’ aw, that’s cute. And a final thing called a ‘Pickens Dagger’ that... injects a spell into the enemy stabbed that eats them from the inside out and uses the material gained to heal or give energy to the stabbed. That’s... exactly something Pickens would want. That worries me.”

I nod, “Good, he’s actually doing something. Those actually sound very useful. And is that all?”

She turns to yet another page on her seemingly endless clipboard, “Ah, no. In fact, this is the most worrying news. Hoofler is advancing into our lands from the west. We completely forgot about him, so we have no forces there. We still have the 1st Divison here, they could go to defend. But from what we’ve heard, Hoofler has powerful war machines. Not as strong as our mechs, but more mass produced. They also have some air support, but that should be easily taken out by our pegasi support.”

A voice sounds from beside us, “Oh, you need not worry about those war machines.”

I turn to see Satan standing there, enjoying another glass of whiskey. Cross hasn’t met him, so she jumps back in surprise, “Who are you?”

I hold up my hand between them, “Satan, this is Cross Stitch, my advisor slash tailor slash assistant. Cross, this is Pony Satan, our ally and a surprisingly kind guy for being the literal Devil.”

Cross hesitantly holds out a hoof, “Nice to meet you?”

He takes her hoof, and shakes with vigor, “I’d hope it is. I do try my best to be agreeable.” He takes another sip of his whiskey, and burps fire, “Excuse me.” He drains the glass, “Now, as I was saying. You don’t need to worry about Hoofler’s mass production. You have my army ready to go, and they are experts at killing those devices. In fact, it will be even easier. I hardly think the Hoofinburg class, or the Pastern classes one through five, or the King Horse can really stand up to the Panzer, Panther, or King Tiger. Tank building is a new thing for them, only since Kaiser Witherhelm the Second died and Hoofler came into power have they been building them. We can take them easily. I’m moving out now, I will wait for your army to arrive before we start the battle.”

I nod, and he disappears within a burst of hellfire. I sigh, and readjust my Sombra cape, “I’ve become too serious. I’m not having fun as I used to.”

Cross nods, “It’s all because of this war. You are becoming serious, because you have people to protect. But we continue.”

I nod, “We push forward against the encroaching enemy. We will liberate them from these tyrants they call leaders. Then, we can return to normal. Next month is the 2nd Bananaramma Food Fight. I need the war done by then. If that’s managed, we can go have fun.”

She writes something down on a paper, “I’ll inform the soldiers of our goal.”

I nod, “Good. Tell Starlightgrad to push back against the Minotaurs with the new soldiers arriving.”

She smiles, “And what shall you do, Sir?”

I smooth out my robe, “Lead the charge. If I could survive the War of the Combine, I can survive out there. Just like that war, my guards need inspiration. Get an airship ready for me.”

She nods, “Right away, McBad. Good luck out there.”

Hoofler

I step out of the carriage I was carried down from the airship in. My well polished shoes hit the ground, and I straighten my monocle. I walk up to Satan with only five other ponies following behind me.

Satan looks at my squad, “I thought you had an army? Where’s the army?”

I smile, “Everywhere.”

He tilts his head, “That’s vague enough to interest me. But, we are facing a large army.”

I look to the distance to see an army, a very WW1-ish army. Tank designs are bulky and wasteful, airships aren’t protected, and all the regular soldiers carry swords. Their grey contrasts heavily against the bright red of Satan’s army. Of which, there are only about one thousand demons. I look to him, “You said you had an army. You brought me a regiment.”

He shrugs, “Apparently some demon is trying to unite Tartarus and a lot of my soldiers retired. I swear, I’m going to have words with that- that” he turns to a demon, “what’s the name of the demon?”

The soldier responds, “Wavok, sir.”

Satan snaps his fingers, and nods, “Yeah, Wavok. I’m going to have words for him. You don’t just take over the Army of Tartarus like that!”

I slightly nod, “Right then. Order your troops to charge.”

He looks across the grey and barren landscape, “Send them out?! They’ll die, again! Where’s- you know what, I’m going to trust you. Charge!”

I nod as they charge. I look back to my five troops, “Deploy!”

They nod, and simultaneously point confetti poppers into the air. As one, they fire them.

But instead of confetti, airships come out. Firing into the air, fully manned, and ready to deploy. Just as planned.

From the airships, mechs and soldiers jump. Using their Cross Grapple’s to latch onto the airship, and slow their decent to be safe. As they go down, the ponies take out their Lightning Shock’s and throw them into the enemy lines.

The majority of their soldiers are killed or knocked out from the lightning conducting through their armor. Most of what remains are airships and tanks.

Satan whistles in approval, “Damn, that’s pretty good. Tell your men that the tanks have weak spots in the back, and down the barrel.”

I take out a microphone, “Soldiers, aim for the back of the war machines. If possible, attack through the barrel. Weapons free.”

I receive a message back, ”Sir, this is Squadon Leader Wing, of the B.C.A Solaris. What are we to do with the enemy aircraft? Any weaknesses you know?”

I magnify my vision with a flick of my wand, and look at the enemy airship, “Unprotected with support, that’s what I see. I recommend you send in the support pegasi to poke holes within their balloon.”

”Will do, Sir!”

I see squads of pegasi flock toward the enemy aircraft, armed with spears and other such weapons.

I continue using my magnified vision to watch my ground forces work.

Creamthrower squads manage to get close, and they clog the war machines weapons and treads. Other squads move in, and throw McBad Cocktails down the turret.

I see one mech in particular rushing towards a war machine, only to have itself shot at it. The mech reacts with impeccable speed, and grabs the shell out of mid air. Instead, he throws it back down the cannon, causing the entire machine to explode.

To sum it up, we are crushing them. And after five minutes of fighting, they raise a white flag. I smile, and teleport myself closer to the flag.

The pony carrying it holds it up higher as he looks at me, “Cease fire, cease fire! Hoofler is inside, we don’t want to fight! Have him, we don’t want him!”

I look at the tiny shack he is standing by, “Good. You and all your fellow fighters will be spared.”

The pony sighs in relief, “Thank you!”

I move past them to the building Hoofler is in, “Don’t worry about it. I am not about to commit war crimes. I leave that to Pickens, and he is busy with the Yaks.”

I push open the door, and walk in. Expecting Hoofler to be cowering in the corner.

What I see instead is him standing strong. And... pointing something at me.

*Bang!*

I see the barest hint of movement from him before I start to feel the pain in my shoulder. I reach up, and feel warm blood leaking out of a hole. I hold my hand to my face, only to see it painted purple with my blood.

I collapse backwards, sliding down a wall. My mind can barely comprehend the pain. I can only think a few things.

Who knew my blood was purple?

Is this how I finally end?

Is that all?

Have I come all this way just to end like this?

No, that can’t be all.

My people need me.

I promised Cross I would be back.

I said I would be there to lighten up.

“Wow, who knew the great emperor could be defeated so easily?”

I hear another rush into the room, only to fall from another shot.

My Empire, my friends.

Something slides from their body over to me.

Starlight, Chrysalis, Triek, Iron Will.

Hoofler trots over to me.

Twilight, Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, Discord, Rarity.

He moves around the object.

Fancy Pants, Celestia, Pickens, Lightning.

My hand moves to pick up the object.

Satan, Chem, Raven, Slendy, Courier, Avatar.

I grasp the object, and Hoofler levels the object towards me.

Everyone. Everything I know. I will not let him take this from me.

I swing the object at Hoofler, and stab through his neck. It’s then I see, it was a Pickens Dagger.

Hoofler backs away, before starting to writhe in pain, “Ahhhh! What! What is this!?”

I can see blood rush out his wound, only to disappear as the dagger spell absorbs it.

I feel the hole in my shoulder patch up, cell by cell.

At the end, all that’s left of Hoofler is his uniform. My wound is gone, and I stand up.

I look at the purple blood splattered on my suit and hand.

And I swear something whispers to me.

”Í̵̴̡͍͙͇͈́f̢̳̘̤͎̣̯͈͖̪̫̤̦̦̘͠ͅͅ ̢̡̢͍̤̰͉̺̻̰̪͉̦̙̤̗͔͈̰ì̡̜͈͓̭̼͓̼͖͍͕̠̩͚͚͜͠t̨̨̨͔̗̜̼̟̞̯̦͈͍̥̮͕͔͞ ̢̘͔̘̖͕̝̖̝̖̜b̮̮̗͚̹̭͎̘͕̙̕͜l̜̼̮̟͉͖̙͙̪͔̺̼̯̙͓͉̀͝ę̸̸͇̳͚͓͈̯̣̖̻̠̦̟̘̩̕͝ͅé͘͟҉̣̣̳͚̠͍͇̩̳̤̦͔͙͉̥̟̖d̞̖̥̪̦̭̕͞s̟̳̗̣̱̲͚̲̜̬̠̘̮̬̬̮͔̕͜͜ͅͅ,̢̡̭͖̜̮̘͠ ̵̖̹̻̪̞̩̪̯̼͟i̗̰̗͈̩͘͟͞ṭ̴̛͕͇̼͖̩̣̣̥͖̳͇̣̖͠ͅ ̸̵̨̳̤͉̻͉͍͕̼̜̜͖̙c̨̡̡̳͕͓͍̞̣̥̻͙̦̘͕͚̫̼͕̕a̶̸̯̠͓̲̟͜n̴̷̷̩̟͓̭̟͕̰̜͠͞ ͏̱̫̦̞͇̮̖̝̫̘̪̠͙͜͢͞d͏͇͚͚͈̯̙͚̺̘̗̳̫̻̙̳͘i̷̖̦̜̦̳̺̖͚̠̤̖͍e̢͖̞̫̣͓͖.̀͟҉̵̞͖̰̪͎͞”

Friendship in a Letter

I sit on my throne, having left the remaining few Germanes to Satan. That was too close for comfort. Well, it wasn’t very comfortable at all. I don’t think guns are designed for the victim to be comfortable.

Cross comes rushing in, and throws more pillows onto my already soft throne, “Are you sure your all right? Do I need more pillows?”

I shake my head, “No, I’m good. Thank you for worrying, Cross. But I’m good. Ten pillows is enough for one shoulder.”

She looks at the great stack of pillows near my still sore shoulder, “Are you sure? Is there anything you need?”

I nod, “Yeah, a report would be good.”

She smiles, “Alright then!” She takes out her clipboard, “Remember that Neighgerian scam letter you got with the invite to the Bananaramma Corporation Cooperation Celebration?”

I think for a bit, “Yeah?”

She looks at the clipboard, “Well, it turns out Lightning filled the thing out. And he sent it to the Neighgerian Prince the letter was sent from.”

I look over at her, “Your joking, right?” She shakes her head. I hold mine in my hands, “Lightning... I’m going to have words with him later.”

She shakes her head again, “No, no! There’s no need!”

I’m a bit taken aback by her willingness to defend Lighting, “An explanation, if you please.”

She looks at the clipboard, “It wasn’t a scammer. It was an actual Neighgerian Prince. In fact, it was actually the King.”

I look at her very slowly, “So...”

She smiles, “Neighgeria has joined the war on our side! Because we showed him kindness by returning his letter, unlike any other leaders. Neighgerian warriors have already started pushing into Griffon territory. We now outnumber the Griffons and outgun them! Prediction is that Griffonia shall fall by tomorrow at the most. That leaves just the Minotaur army, and their army was wiped out by a clever move by the General.”

I slightly nod, “So, we have Neighgeria on our side, and the Minotaur army was wiped out. Well, tell me what the General did.”

She starts, “Well, he tricked the enemy into an ambush by saying a high General was a spy. They ambushed the army who wandered into a specific location. They slaughtered the enemy, and took many prisoners.”

I nod, “So, the war?”

She smiles, “Almost done.”

The End

A courier rushes into the throne room, and hoofs me a letter. Not a letter, a scroll.

I quickly unfurl the thing, and start to read it.

’Leaders of The Revolutionaries Concordat;

We surrender. Peace talks next week.

The Silver Federation.

Cross sees me look at the letter, “Is it over?”

I nod, “It’s over. We won.”

She smiles, “Glad that’s over.”

I nod, “This will be the last war I’m alive for. I will determine that through the rest of my life. Dear, Cross, assistant you have to be no more. You have a few days of vacation.”

She looks at me, and tilts her head, “Why would I want to take a vacation?”

I shrug, “You’ve done quite a lot. Take a few days to enjoy yourself.”

She shrugs back, “I am enjoying myself. I will enjoy seeing you back to normal. I will enjoy sitting in at these talks. Don’t you know? I got my Cutie Mark for a reason. This is my favorite activity.”

I smile, “Thank you. I will need you help. Though, I think we won’t have much to worry about from now on.”

She smiles back, “First order?”

I think, “Take Pickens out from Yakville. He’s had his fun, he can rest now.”

We start to walk down a random hallway, “Any other comments?”

I nod, “I see you spending a lot of time around the science wing. Is there something I should know?”

She shakes her head quickly, “No! I just had to get reports, that’s all.”

I smile, “Oh, sure. Go ahead, war is done. I have no objections.”

She slightly kicks me in the leg, “Shut up.”

I laugh, “Oh, telling the Emperor to shut up, that’s an execution missy.”

She rolls her eyes, “I think Pickens can cover for that execution, he’s already made up in droves.”

I nod, “True, true. I can only hope Pickens didn’t execute too many, might have to charge him.”

She looks over at me, “What Pickens did, it seems wrong. But he’s going to get off scot free?”

I slowly nod, “Yeah. Pickens might be an evil bastard, but there’s no Geneva Convention here. So, I cannot punish him.”

She continues to walk, “Geneva Convention? Maybe you should install that at the talks, so things like Pickens Massacre won’t happen.”

I nod, “Good idea. I just hope Pickens won’t be mad about having his playthings taken away.”

She smiles, “I think we’ll be fine.”

I smile as well, “I aggre. I look into the possible future now, and all I can see is good. I believe we’re going to be just fine. The Silver Federation shall have their leaders replaced, and Pickens should be fine. Up ahead, it’s all light without a shadow in sight.”

She looks ahead, “I hope your correct, Eric, I truely hope so.”

—(POV Unknown)—

I sit in the cold cave, and begin my chanting, “מלך הצל, שליט האופל. מהצל שלך אנחנו קוראים לך. להביס את המתחזה על כס המלוכה. מה שהוא עשה, אנחנו קוראים לך.” (This is the obligatory reminder that this goes from right to left, not left to right) “להילחם על כס המלוכה שלי. כדי לעקוב אחר השיחה של כאוס. מי שמחכה מאחורי הקירות קורא לך, הכוורת כדי לעורר תוהו ובוהו. תקשיב לשיחתו, וקום!“

And in the background, two unknown creatures speak.

”So, hive mind. Allies until he’s gone?”

”Y̯̺̫͔e̵̩̣̣͓͔̹̺̟͘s͟҉̙̻͉̲̞͟,͓͔̠̹̟̜̝̤̘͝ ̵̺͖̲̗̹̫̩̱͢K̖͕͔͇̼͓e̬͍͉͇̭͝͠ͅͅv̳͖͇̬̯͙̮͞į̸̴̗̗̱͈̟̠n͕͈͓̺̺͚̕,̟͖̞͚́ ͢҉̺͞i̦̮͍͔̳f̷̨͔̝̦̜̦̮̪̬ ̵͉̜̭͞t̴̫̞̖͈̬͓h̨͈̙͎́i̧͏̭͙ș̶͔̜́͠ ̵̴̰̘̼͉̯̯̪c̸̹̝̩͉̼̦̹̘͟͝r̶̜͚̠̩̜͘ͅe̳̟̣ͅa̧̠̤͖̠̲̬t̸̰̺̭̪͎͉͟ͅư̧̺̖̖͇̘r̷̭̰̭̼̪ͅe̮̠͓̺̦̦̟͘͠͠ ̡̲̲̪͜c͇͍a͏̱̘̬̰n͇̤̕ ̴̨̲̣̘̠́t̫̼̬͍̺̟̖̣̙͟a̮̘͚̟̳̱̲̜͞k͓͚͠͡͡e̷̥̪̳̗̭̝͖̣̕ ̜͈͘ć̸͖͓͇̘̮͎̝a̡͏̦͈̦̱̣̳̹̙̬r҉͎̫͕͈̝͍ḙ̶͈͍͡ ̮̟̘̝̝̬͠o̫͙̜̹͠f͏̷̗̪͖̟̻̞͉̙̗ ̨͘͏̻h̜̦̯͚͘i͉m͔͖̣̹͇͍.̦̺͔”

”Oh, Pickens is a wonderful servant. Either way, he only comes in when King of Shadows over here weakens him.”

”T̴̡͖̦h̶̠͟e҉̴͖̥̦̜ ̶̢͍͙̹͖̹̜̩̕h͠͏͏̟̮̤ỳ̜͔̭̺ͅb̘͎́̕r̢̤͖̞̻̣̀̕i̷̶̪͓̯͕̯̝d̴̨̬͕̼̱ ̗͖̹̯̞͎̳͜ḅ̢̩̖̠̱̩̳̬l̠̕͞e̢̛̹̻͖e̴̤̭̞̠d̵̻̞͠ș̙́.͉̝͙͚̣̖̤̯͢͞ ̴͎̪͕̘͕͍͓͚H͚̞͘e͏̻ ̧̠͝ͅc͙̼̩̫͓͈a̻̥̬̠̫̹̙ņ̙̺͔̫͡ ̯͖̞̠̠͖̗͘d̞̬̰̹͙i̧̩͖̠͘͢e̴̶̳̤̗̣̭̳̙͞.̳̳͓̘̜̯͘ ̨̙́I̳͇͔ ̱͇͚͎̱͎̞̮́͜w̨̢̹͔̺͉̣͡ͅi̠̲̮̘͙͚̹͡ͅl̸̫͎̻l̢̧̞̺ ̸͍͍͚͔̩̟͉̙͡͡m̩͖͔̖̻͝ạ̵̸̣̯̪̦͜ḳ̖̯̩͢͝e҉҉̰̭͚̤ ̗̣̮͝s҉̖̲ų̘̗r̙̞͔͓̰͎e̢̖̙ ̯̳͞b̷̴͉̱͙̯͈o̘̦̗̜̞͇̖̞̩͜t̡̛҉̖̟̦̖͕h̷̜͚͔̬́͘ ̜̥͖̮̺o̷̥̙̦̼̖̖͞u̢̳̝̗̰͈͕ͅr͖̩̰͎̭̞̕͝ ̗̘͟p̡̣̻̟̙͙̥͟u̹͙̪̤p̺̟͍̟p͏͙͎̩e҉͔̻̰͓͔t̹̰̻͍̼͖̩s̨̹̥̞͉̼̮͖̭̀͝ ̹̳̲̕ḩ̵͓̦͕̻͙͈̟̲͢a҉̷̶̰͚̪̮v̲̩̳͖̘̖̫͍é̗̝̟͈͢͞ ̵̸̳p͏͇̥̝̗o̶̘̱͕̟̖͠w̡̻̙̕e̬͖̤̘͓ŕ̢͎.̷̣̼̦͠ ҉͚̗͘Y̶͍̪̝͢o͏͙̖̖͇̬̘͞u͏̢̭̙ ̸̹m͠҉̳̤̼̖̪͖ͅa̕͏̥͍͍̲̤k̳͕͙̱̼̱͟é̙̩̩̫̗̜̟̞̰͞ ́͜͏̺̬̭̳̤͉ţ̥͖͞h̞͈̤̗̥̕͢ͅe͈͢͢ ̪͓̯̗̰̼̼͝h҉̰̟y̟͕̣͇͢ͅb͍̜͇̼r̵̫̖̹̲̼̺̻ì̙͙̭̩͇̠d̵̛̫̖̬̣ ͈̬͔̦͔̪̬͙̲͘͟͠b̧̙̠́͜l͔̯̮̰̫͚e̬̬e̠̼̕d͍͢͝ ͙͕̜̭͞͝ͅu̸̙̠̤̠̗̫̯͠n͘͘҉̱̺̖̼̙t̡͚̣ì̥̣͞l̞͖ͅ ̶̗̤̩̬̩̝̥̠h͙̦̹e̢͓͖͕ ̲͕̺̪̘̕͡d̨̰̜̩̜̱͘i͚̲͝ȩ̻̕͠s̯̣̮̭͍̩̯̭.̸̳̀”

As they speak, the ritual ends.

And one red horn starts to grow.

Pickens smiles, “Perfect.”