Author's Note
(Hi. So, this is a silly story i dreamt up that serves really no purpose other than for comedy and silliness. Also, Luna speaks in brevity and stuff, cause it’s more fun for me to write and makes her more unique. Fitemeirlbro. Also i switch out Hell for Tartarus. I don’t know why.)
The Moon Slayer
The sounds of gunfire and explosions could be heard in Princess Luna’s bedroom one Equestrian night, mixed like a well shaken cocktail along with the bright flashes of the Television screen which cast vibrant strobes of color all around the dark room.
Princess Luna was currently enjoying her favorite past-time, spending her rare night off with some Sweet Apple Acres cider, snacks, and her PonyStation 4. A night filled with sweets, sugar, salt, and the sounds of Demons from Tartarus being blown into gibs!
“HAHA! Take that, thou little fiend!” Luna shouted out, as she used her controller to make the DOOMare explode a Hell Knight to bits with her super shotgun. Normally, Luna wouldn’t condone such violence, but being able to turn these fake creatures into a fine red mist was one of the most oddly satisfying experiences of her life! And, as we all know, Luna has lived for a long time and experienced much, so that was a statement indeed.
Some time later, Luna was locked in a battle with the Cyberdemon, the hulking goliath whom we all love to hate. She was proverbially kicking its plot, and when the beast got glory killed by the DOOMare’s hands she stood up and clopped her hooves on the ground.
“HAHA! Suck thy big fat phallus, thou ugly swine!” Luna shouted before plopping back down onto the couch. Luna grabbed a hoof-ful of chips with her magic and crammed them into her mouth, noisily chewing without conscience, washing it down with a gulp of the cider. Luckily for her, alicorns had an insanely high alcohol tolerance, so she was able to have nearly as much of the cider as she wanted without fear of getting buzzed.
When Luna activated the switch in Tartarus and the level ended, her ears pricked up as she heard a strange noise. It was something between the hum of a unicorn’s magic flowing, and a mechanical beeping. This sound was extremely unusual and caused Luna to go to full alert.
“Who is there?! Show thyself!” She demanded, thinking perhaps a guard had decided to play a prank on her. Such behaviour would have to be reprimanded, of course. Apart from the fact that Luna gave strict instructions for nopony to bother her on her day off.
The humming and beeping continued, and just as Luna got annoyed and was about to get up to discover what was going on, something happened. Looking at her Ponystation 4 on the entertainment console in front her, it suddenly shot a beam of light at her.
When the beam of light shot at Luna, it encircled her like an isometric cube. Suddenly, she couldn't move. All that she could do was think. The laser went left to right, as if a printer would scan a document. Luna felt a strange sensation, and for a few moments she passed out of consciousness.
When she awoke again, Luna felt very groggy. Realizing she was laying on her side, she gave out a groan of discomfort and slowly, painfully, rose to her hooves. She found this extremely difficult, finding herself to be...heavier.
Looking down at herself, she saw that she was wearing a full suit of metal armor, custom tailored to fit her figure. It weighed her down quite a bit, but after a few seconds Luna was able to get a feel for it.
Wait, why was she wearing green metal armor like the DOOMare? Giving a look around through the visor of the helmet, Luna saw a sight that made her belly go cold. She was in Tartarus.
Nothing but brown floating rocks for as far as the eyes could see. Ahead of her was a gigantic skeleton of some creature long dead, and the sight made even her shake in fear. Thank goodness this beast was long expired!
“What the...where are we, and why are we here?” Luna asked in confusion, looking around more as if to see some detail she had missed in her previous once over. Suddenly, she heard a laugh, which turned into a cackle, followed by an all out guffaw.
Once again, Luna’s stomach went cold. She knew that laugh all too well, and knew also just who it belonged to.
Discord.
“Discord?! Where are thou, why are we here, did thou have something to do with this? Show thineself!” Luna demanded, trying to charge up her magic. However, to her shock, her magic didn’t charge up, and looking up that shock turned to complete horror.
Her horn was gone. There was nothing sitting atop her head. She had no magic now.
Discord finished laughing, and finally spoke. “Oh, dear sweet Luna, I’m simply doing you a favor. I saw how much you enjoyed that ghastly violent video game, so I’m just giving you a chance to experience it, let’s say, first hoof.” He said with a chuckle.
“What!?” Luna shouted in dismay. “Have thou gone completely mad?! Let us out of her this instant, or face our wrath, whelp!” She shouted at Discord, trying frantically to see where Discord was. Unluckily for her, Discord was not inside the game like she was. He was in her bedroom, watching her on the TV screen, and using magic to telepathically speak to her.
“Sorry Luna, I’m afraid I can’t do that. This is a game, after all, and the only way to end a game is to win it. Catch my drift? The only way for you to get out is to beat this wretched cesspool of violence you call a video game. Once you do, you’ll be set free. Oh, and please do try not to die. If you die in there, you die out here also.”
Luna was about to shout at Discord again, perhaps even cuss him out this time and mutter other obscenities at him, but before she got a chance she was cut off by something phasing into existence in her hooves. When it finished materializing, she was it was a gun. And not just any gun.
The super shotgun.
Right after that, Luna felt a weight on her back. Looking behind her, she saw it was the equivalent of a toolbelt strapped around her body, with various weapons strapped to the belt. Shotgun. Pistol. Rocket launcher. Plasma gun. Gauss cannon. Heavy assault rifle. Chain gun. Chainsaw, and of course, the gun to end all guns.
The BFG-9000.
Amazingly, these guns didn’t slow Luna down or anything. She felt some weight, of course, but upon testing herself by walking forward, she found her movement completely unrestricted. The same went for the armor. It no longer slowed her down.
Realizing she, in fact, had no way to get herself out of this mess than to play Discord’s game, Luna reluctantly trotted forward. However, she quickly came to a problem.
The only way forward was through the mouth of the gigantic skeleton, where a seemingly never ending pit lay. Luna knew she had to fall down there, but was worried; what if the suit didn’t compensate for the impact of her fall? She would splatter onto the ground like a ripe tomato.
Taking a deep breath to steel her nerves, Luna closed her eyes and slowly fell forward. What followed was a sensation of pure weightlessness. If not for the thick suit of armor, the cold wind of falling at such a speed would have hurt her eyes. When she opened her eyes, her heart stopped.
She was really falling towards the ground.
With a scream, Luna outstretched her hooves, hoping to her dear Sister the suit would cushion her impact. The ground got closer, and closer, and closer, and when she slammed her eyes shut and prepared for the worst, all that happened was a loud noise.
When she opened her eyes, she found that she was completely unharmed. She didn’t even feel the landing at all. She had fallen at least ten stories and lived! It was a miracle!
However, Luna didn’t have much time to celebrate at all, as soon a flying monster known as a Cacodemon flew towards her. It got closer and closer, and shot a ball of fire at her from its vile mouth.
With a yelp of fear, Luna dashed to the right, avoiding the ball of fire. The demon got even closer, to the point she was worried it would bite or try to eat her. With a shriek of fear, she slammed her eyes shut and she pulled the trigger of the super shotgun, and when she opened her eyes again and saw a puddle of blood and guts on the ground before her. She had killed the beast.
For a few long moments, Luna felt lightheaded and sick. She had never killed another being before. Even if this being was Tartatus-spawn and was pure evil, murder was murder in her eyes. A moment later, she heard the voice of Discord again.
“Don’t worry, Luna, they’re not actually real. And besides, you have to move onward is you’re to have a chance of survival.”
Luna took a gulp of fright to try and steady her nerves, and pushed onward. The next few minutes were uneventful, but soon a giant pink monster leapt out at her, teeth bared and horns jutting forward.
Oh, crap.
Baron of Tartarus.
Luna wanted to shake in fear, but she had no time. Quickly, she reached behind her and swapped out the super shotgun for the BFG. Shrieking as the beast charged towards her, Luna slammed her eyes shut and pulled the trigger.
There was a loud artificial noise as the plasma from the gun interacted with the oxygen in the atmosphere and attacked the Baron. Luna kept her eyes shut and, for a few moments, it was silent, save for the sound of the roaring wind.
When Luna opened her eyes, the beast was gone. There were no gibs or guts anywhere. The creature was just gone. Luna sighed in relief and looked down at the big, badass weapon in her hooves.
“We...We do think we are getting the hang of this, as much as we hate to admit such a thing.” She said to herself, not expecting Discord to be actually listening. Unfortunately for her, he was doing just that.
“Good, good. Now, I advise you to keep pushing onwards. There are much more demons to eliminate, dearest Luna.” He informed her with a cackle, and with a slight growl, Luna complied with his recommendation and continued walking.
Soon, it became autonomous for Luna, second nature, muscle memory. See a demon, pick a gun, shoot, kill, and repeat. Of course, this was much harder with the bigger and tougher demons. The Cacodemons and Pinkies were especially annoying foes. However, Luna realized soon enough fast movement and a variety to techniques helped.
She also picked up a few berserk powerups in the arenas she fought the demons in, and in the most satisfying thing she had ever experience with her own two hooves, turned them into blood puddles.
While at first she was horrified at what she was doing, Luna was now having the time of her life. She even killed the Tartarus guards easily enough, and retrieved the crucible. Afterwards, she was teleported by the tether to Samuel Hayden’s office. Or, what should have been anyway.
Instead of Samuel Hayden, Luna came face to face with Celestia. Her own sister was also in the game with her.
“Celestia?! What in the stars above are thou doing here?!” Luna asked in shock and awe, to which Celestia gave her a grin.
“Oh, just helping to make sure my favorite sister doesn’t lose the game. I have a bet with Discord to win, after all.” With this statement, Luna narrowed her eyes at her sister.
“A bet?! Thou made a bet with that monster?! What was that bet?!” She asked her sister as she stomped her hoof on the ground, very upset by this turn of events.
“Oh come Luna, do you think Discord came up with this idea all himself? It was I, I’m afraid. You’ve been so focused on this game lately, I wanted to exact a little revenge. May you use this experience to learn never to shirk your royal duties again, dear sister. I do hope you win this game. I’ll assist you anyway I can. After all, I don’t want to have to pay Discord fifteen bits.” Celestia finished with a chuckle, activating a button to send Luna back to Tartarus.
“WHAT?!” Luna exclaimed at the tether began pulling her back to the alternate dimension. “Thou bet my life on fifteen bits?! What kind of sister are you?!” Luna exclaimed before she was dragged into the other realm. When she was gone, Celestia smirked.
“One of a kind, my dearest sister. Good luck.”
~
When the tether stopped and Luna was on her own two hooves again, she found herself in the Argent D’ Nur. Using her earlier skills to assist her, she made relatively short work of the massive hoard of demons in this concentrated space, and used the crucible to activate the well.
When she dropped into the well, she saw the Spider Mastermind already waiting for her. With a gasp and shriek of fear, she pulled out the BFG and gave it a quick blast. The spider shrieked from pain, but it didn’t do anything but damage it. It was still alive.
It swiped one of its massive mechanical legs at Luna, and with a yelp Luna did her best to lunge to the side, away from it. She narrowly missed the attack, and after that her body became high on adrenaline. So much so, that her world was simply rushing around her.
Dodge. Jump. Super shotgun. Jump. Heavy assault rifle. Lunge to the side. Gauss rifle. Dodge. Jump. Jump. Rocket launcher.
This was the most intense battle Luna had ever experience, in the real world or otherwise. And she had to stay alert and use all her cunning to survive.
Finally, after an eternity of dodging, jumping and shooting, the hideous creature could take no more and collapsed in front of her. Getting an idea, Luna grabbed the BFG and held it against the spider’s mouth, pointing it upwards to its exposed brain.
Pulling the trigger, the gun fired a massive shot into her adversary, creating a massive shower of blood which rained down on her as the plasma tore through its brain and body.
When Luna opened her eyes, she saw the spider was dead; its brain hollowed out. Luna took a sigh of relief, glad she was safe and had been victorious. She felt the tether activate again but, this time, after a violent shaking and spinning of the world around her, she rematerialized into the real world.
She was safe in her bedroom once again. Looking around, she saw Celestia was next to her, and Discord was on her couch, sipping chocolate milk and eating cotton candy. Discord smirked at Celestia and held out his griffon limb.
“Time to pay up, Celestia.” He said, and with a grumble Celestia levitated fifteen golden bits into his talon. Luna was heavily confused.
“Wait...thy don’t understand. We won the game. Discord should be paying you, sister.” Discord gave a short guffaw and wiped a tear from his eyes.
“Oh, dear sweet Luna, you’ve got it all wrong. I bet Celestia that you would WIN the game. Celestia didn’t think you could do it, but I had faith in you.” Discord said with a grin, to which Celestia let out a loud groan.
“And I was so close too...I almost had her when i was controlling the spider!” Celestia declared in dismay, sighing as she plopped herself down onto the couch. Luna was more confused now.
“Wait...so, sister, you possessed the spider when we were fighting it, trying to make sure we would lose!? I only have one thing to say about this!” Luna shouted with snarling teeth, glaring at the both of them.
“Oh? And what is that, dear Luna?” Discord asked, to which Luna smirked and lit her horn up. Suddenly, a beam of light shot out of her Ponystation once again, this time trapping Celestia inside the cube it made before she could use her magic to stop it.
“I bet you thirty bits she won’t win, Discord”. And with a shake of talon to hoof, Luna used her magic to teleport herself into the game.
Oh, how fun this was going to be. Sweet, sweet revenge.
