Twilight stood flabbergasted one night, not believing the sight before her eyes. She was in Ponyville, not far from the friendship castle, where a new shop had recently opened up, and she was utterly confused about what it was supposed to be.
The outside looked like any other building in Ponyville, and the lettering on the sign read “Jordan’s Shipping Shop”. Twilight didn’t know what that was meant to mean, but she was curious, and decided to walk inside the store.
It was run by a new resident to Ponyville, a human whose name was Jordan. She hadn’t met him yet, but she heard he was a bit...zany to put it eloquently.
Walking inside the shop, she saw it was mostly just regular wood inside, wood somepony might use to build something. This was very, very peculiar.
At the counter, there stood that human, with a nametag that spelled out his name. He clapped his hands and smiled.
“Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle! Welcome to my new shop, what can I do ya for?” He asked with a certain excitement to him. Twilight figured he would be able to give Pinkie a run for her money with that kind of energy.
“Uh...well, see, that’s my problem. I don’t actually know. I don’t understand what you’re supposed to be selling here.” She admitted meekly, hoping that he wasn’t insulted or anything.
Thankfully for her, the human didn’t seem surprised. “Ah, you and just about everypony else. Here, come with me and I’ll explain.” He stepped away from the counter and walked to the back of the store, behind a curtain in a doorway, and Twilight unsuredly followed.
In the back, she saw paintings, but not just any paintings, portraits of ponies! Some of whom she knew personally! She looked at them for a minute before smiling.
“Ohhhhh, I think I get it. You paint portraits of ponies. That’s a really sweet thing!” Twilight said as she looked at some of the paintings. One of Applejack looked exact down to the last detail.
“Yes, but that’s not all I do. Look at this!” He said as he held up a different portrait. This one had two ponies snuggled up beside each other. But who it was shocked Twilight. It was Spike with Ember!
“What the...wait, how do you know who Ember is?” Twilight asked, at a complete loss right now. The human chuckled.
“Best not to ask questions, Princess. All you need to know is I have any pairing you could want. I’m a shipper!” He exclaimed, as he showed her a wall covered with paintings, containing multiple pairings of ponies.
“Look, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy!” He said as he pointed to that specific painting.
“But...I don’t think they even like each other.” Twilight tried to explain, but the human just chuckled.
"Oh dear Princess, it doesn't matter if they like each other. What matters is what the people want! Oh, and look, here I have Big Mac and Cheerilee!” He said as he grabbed another painting and showed it to her. Twilight remembered that hearts and hooves day. She always felt horribly responsible for that disaster. Thank goodness everything got resolved.
“Oh, and here I have you and Flash Sentry!” He said as he showed her this painting. As soon as she saw it, a blush scorched her face as she remembered her sweetheart from the other dimension.
“W...what?! But nopony was supposed to know about us!” Twilight shouted in horror, wondering who else knew about this secret. She was mortified.
He then grabbed another painting. This one showed Rainbow Dash with Applejack. The next one that he grabbed showed Princess Cadence with Chrysalis. Another was Discord with Tirek.
This was way too weird. Twilight wasn’t sure how much more she wanted to see. But the human was very exuberant and insisted on showing his work to her.
The human grabbed yet another painting. “This one has Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!”
That one shocked Twilight. “What?! But they’re sisters! What the hay is wrong with you, sicko!” Twilight shouted, disgusted at the implications.
“Oh, you think that’s the worst people have asked for, look at this?” He held up a painting depicting Big Mac with her old doll, Smarty Pants. Ok, that had to take the cake for weirdest pairing, it just had to. A pony with an inanimate object just couldn’t be topped, could it?
She quickly was informed by the human that was far from true, as he grabbed a painting depicting Rarity with Tom, the rock she was in love with for a time. And that wasn’t even the worst, still! There was Winona, Applejack’s pet dog, with Tank, Rainbow Dash’s tortoise! That one completely wrecked her. Why would somepony pair up animals?! Was nothing in this world sacred?!
And then there was one which depicted Pear Butter with Granny Smith. That one didn’t even make sense to Twilight, and made her feel sick.
Twilight didn’t want to see anymore, she thought this human was sick beyond belief, and was considering reporting him to Celestia.
“Of course, I don’t choose these pairings, and I’m not the only person who does them. There’s a union of shippers across the entire land of Equestria. Ponies just pay me money for the paintings, and come to me because I’m the best. I’ve also done other shipping work than portraits. Look here!” He showed her a picture of a literal wooden ship, sailing on a lake, with a mural of Lyra and Bon-Bon on it.
“Yeah, that commission was where I got the idea to open Jordan’s Shipping Shop. Building an actual ship with my own two hooves. Now I’m a true shipper, and a real Sailsman! Would you like to commission a ship, Princess?”
Twilight shook her head in disbelief, and cleared her throat. “Oh, no, thank you. But have a nice day!” Twilight called after him as she waved goodbye and walked to the exit of the store.
As she exited through the front, one lone thought burned at her brain.
Shippers destroy lives.
Author's Note
(Sorry for this. I don't know what possessed me to write this. I myself am a pretty big fan of shipping, but sometimes it feels good to poke fun at the ridiculousness it can sometimes reach. Hope you at least got a chuckle out of this. It included actual ships I've read about or seen pictures for before. Even Smarty Pants. And WinonaxTank)
