The Joy of "Potions"

by AutoPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Narcotics, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3679

Labels exist for a reason. One would expect two rulers of a nation to understand that.

Since finding a portal that connects their castle to the home of a human named John, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna spend their free time exploring John's home and discovering exciting new things. But they tend to leave their diligence in the details at home. After all, it's a vacation, what could go wrong?

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I don't know why I wrote this. I'm sorry. Not sorry.

#1 FEATURED 9/23/18 - 9/25/18 Thank you, everyone!

Published 2018-09-23 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-23 02:50:01 UTC

The Only Chapter

"Helloooo? John, are you home?"

Princess Celestia casually strutted through the closet door that housed the portal to Equestria. It was a real shock the first time she had discovered this new dimension had opened up into somepony's private residence, but after a while, it became "normal." John seemed like a nice enough human, so much so that Celestia and her younger sister, Luna, would stop in from time to time as a sort of vacation. It was just difficult to gauge when was it was proper to make the trek, as time passed at different paces in each world.

"Perhaps now is not a good time to be visiting, sister," Luna observed, tiptoeing into the hallway alongside Celestia. Luna had never been fond of stopping in and visiting when nopony was home.

"Oh nonsense, John said we were welcome here. I'm sure he will be home soon," Celestia gushed. She wandered down the hall and found the stairs leading downward, beckoning to her sister to follow with a wave of her hoof. Celestia knew her sister was rather uptight when it came to these visits, so she had to regularly cajole her to relax.

Down the stairs the two sisters trotted, making their way to the lower level of the home. For living alone, John certainly had a large dwelling, but it made it all the more exciting to explore. Even with the multiple visits they had paid to this world, there was so much more to find and investigate. It was truly a whole different place.

"Do you have any idea what we are going to focus on today, sister?" Luna asked.

"Why not the kitchen again?" Celestia suggested, earning an odd look from her sister.

"Is that a good idea after last time? We ruined John's microscopic wavelength cooking device," she lamented.

"There were no directions on that machine, how were we supposed to know that foil was a bad idea to put inside?" Celestia protested.

"Perhaps the lightning inside was a good indication upon startup."

"It was exciting, nonetheless," Celestia cheerfully replied. But her upbeat energy faded as she continued. "Up until the smoke began pouring out, then it was a bit nerve-wracking."

"Do not forget that alarm that detects the beginning stages of the fire, that was an awful sound," Luna said.

"So let's not do anything with machinery or devices this time," Celestia said, receiving a quick nod from her younger sister.

It was a short trot from the stairway over to the kitchen, making a quick pass through the small dining room.

"Sister, did you remember to bring bits to compensate for the device we destroyed the last visit?" Luna inquired. Celestia stopped dead in her tracks, turning to face Luna.

"I thought you were going to bring the money," Celestia replied, causing her sister to bring a hoof to her own face.

"No, I assumed that was your responsibility considering it was your idea to fiddle with things we do not understand," Luna sighed.

"It will be okay, I'll remember it next time we visit."

"Such a master of diplomacy," Luna retorted, not bothering to disguise the playful sarcasm in her voice. "I still do not understand how you managed to keep Equestria in one piece during my absence."

"On a wing and a prayer," Celestia joked, flaring out one of her wings and sticking her tongue out.

"I must say I would be willing to believe that." Just as the duo was about to step into the kitchen, a new addition to the dining room caught their attention. A squat cabinet sat next to the wall about an arm's reach from the table. Hewn from oak and lightly varnished, it certainly was an elegant piece. But aside from a pair of doors on the front, it was rather simple, with no window to the contents it may or may not have held. In addition, a keyed lock lay upon the front, preventing prying eyes from gaining access.

"What do you think is in there?" Celestia asked, looking over the cabinet for any other - possibly secret - points of access. Despite knowing the answer, Luna tried to pull open one door with her magic, but the lock barred her from entering.

"I do not know sister, but maybe it is best if we left it alone. What if it contained something dangerous?" Luna suggested. But her sister only scoffed at the proposition.

"Or it could be something exciting. After all, it is encased in a wooden box, how dangerous can it be?"

"Famous last words," Luna mumbled. With an unfurled wing, Celestia pushed her reluctant sister towards the kitchen, the night princess's hooves skidding across the floor.

"Come on, I bet the key is somewhere in the kitchen, let's try to find it," Celestia cheered.

Curiosity finally began to seep into Luna, as the two split up and searched the kitchen for the key. Drawers were rummaged through, cabinets were thrown open in vain, as neither had any luck. Disappointed, the royal pair shuffled back to the mysterious cabinet. Luna took a closer look at the lock. Just maybe she could get it open...

Her horn lit up, a tendril of magic worming its way through the face and into the guts of the lock. She focused as she slowly began to manipulate the tumblers inside. Celestia stared at her sister, dumbfounded.

"Um, what are you doing?" She asked warily.

"Picking the lock, what does it look like I am currently doing?" Luna replied, so focused on the task at hand she did not turn to look as she spoke.

"Do I want to know how you learned to do that?"

"Nights sometimes get dull, and I enjoy learning new skills," Luna replied with a smug grin. "They say nothing good ever happens after midnight."

"Right. I'll be sure to start locking my possessions with spells rather than mechanicals," Celestia lamented.

"I would not bother with your diary, for I have already perused its contents," Luna remarked. "By the way, nopony has yet forgotten the news story of your cake addiction, so you need not worry about trying to cut back."

Celestia huffed in frustration. "You are a brat, even after all these years."

Luna's head snapped upward to meet her sister's gaze directly. "And what is that supposed to mean, 'all these years'?" Her smirk had disappeared, replaced with a blank, cold stare.

Caught off guard, Celestia realized at once what drew her little sister's ire. "No, Luna, I didn't mean it like that," she protested, all elements of carefree joy having dissipated from her voice and expression. "You know I did not want to do what I ultimately ended up doing."

"Sister, I'm joking, calm down," Luna said, her mischievous smirk returned, coinciding with the clicks of the first couple mechanisms in the lock finding the sweet spot.

"That's not funny, Luna," Celestia scolded, now a bit irritated. "You really are a brat sometimes."

"What can I say, I learned everything I know from my older sister," Luna retorted playfully.

A few more clicks and the lock finally came free. Carefully, Luna pulled open the doors, just in case something were to jump out. But, as nothing happened, she felt confident enough to open them all the way in a final swift movement. Both sisters closed in to get a better look.

A vast array of glass bottles met their curious eyes, all of them having some sort of label upon it. For the most part, each bottle contained a clear liquid, with a few of them being tinted with an amber hue.

"Are these potions or something?" Luna asked. A shrug of the shoulders from her sister was the only response she received. With great care, Luna's magic surrounded a squat jar, out of place with the rest of the items. The only blemish on the clear container was a piece of masking tape slapped on one side, with a simple handwritten word - "moonshine."

"John told us his world did not contain magic, maybe he doesn't consider potions proper magic?" Celestia suggested.

"I do not know, but I would surely be interested in trying this concoction," Luna replied with enthusiasm, drifting the jar she held over to her sister.

"'Moonshine?' What do you think it does?"

"I don't know. Night vision maybe? I would assume something to do with the night," Luna said, shrugging her shoulders. "Perhaps you should try one as well?"

"Maybe, but what if you have a bad reaction to that and you need help? And then I have the same fate with another potion?" Celestia asked, concern lining her voice for the first time since arriving.

"Well, we can't die, so whatever happens will dissipate at some point. I thought you said you wanted me to be more open to trying new experiences, now you're the one being a stick in the mud?" Luna teased. The rhetorical question lit a fire underneath Celestia as she turned her focus to the cabinet. Rummaging through the bottles within, she came across one that had a name rather straightforward - 'Fireball.'

"Alright dear sister, since you are suddenly the adventurous one, why don't you do the honors?" Celestia dared.

"Okay," Luna replied as she gingerly unscrewed the lid of the jar she held. A smell akin to an industrial solvent permeated her nostrils as the night princess set the lid aside, hesitating at once. "Perhaps this is not safe to ingest, it does not smell very enticing."

At once, Celestia unscrewed the top of her own acquired bottle and took a whiff, the pleasant smell of cinnamon wafting through the room. "This one certainly smells good. I'm not afraid to give this a try if you want to back out?" She gave Luna a smirk she knew would irritate her.

"Absolutely not, I was only voicing my concerns," Luna growled, quickly bringing the jar to her lips and sipping at the mysterious brew. While it drank smooth with very little taste, a shockwave of heat struck her as the concoction reached her throat. She recoiled back, snorting a bit as she tried to cope with the sensation as it made its way down to her stomach, permeating it with a lazy warmth.

"What is it, Luna?" Celestia asked, her sister's reaction causing her more than a little concern.

"I do not know, but I would not consider it a pleasant experience," she lamented. "How much do you think it takes for the potion to work?"

Celestia took a big swig from the bottle she held within her magic, wanting to one-up her little sister. The taste of cinnamon overwhelmed her senses, and as she swallowed, it too provided a burning sensation that trailed down into her gut.

"Well, I can't say this tastes bad but... this potion is very potent going down," Celestia gasped.

With that, the princesses sat idle, quietly waiting for an effect to take hold of either of them. Minutes passed, both of them exchanging glances of uneasiness before Luna finally broke the silence.

"Perhaps these potions do not work on our kind, only humans," she said, swirling the contents in her jar.

"Maybe not. Or, maybe we did not consume enough of it. If that much did nothing to us, it cannot hurt to try another drink, can it?" Celestia wondered aloud.

The two looked down at their respective glass containers before meeting each other's gaze. With a shared nod, both of them brought the brews back to their lips and drank deeply.

=======

Weary after a day of work, John wrestled with the lock on the front door of his home, before earning a twist of the knob and entry to a night of relaxation. But as he stepped inside, he realized relaxation would not be on the agenda, as shock caused him to drop his keys.

The first thing John took notice of was the furniture scattered around the main foyer of his home. Chairs, the couch, even end tables set side to side as a barricade of some sort. But the main attraction of the room was the dining room table in the middle of the haphazard pile, with both of his swiveling recliners placed on top, facing away from him.

"What the heck...." he managed to stutter before the door behind him slammed shut. He jumped in surprise and spun around, finding it locked and deadbolted in an instant.

"Thou has five seconds to state thy business, outlander," boomed a voice from behind. John turned around slowly, his mind still trying to make sense of everything. Seeing the guests in his home did little to help the matter, as a pair of pony princesses sat in the recliners, trying to slow the spin they had put themselves into.

"Curse these thrones, sister," Luna growled, stretching her wings out to try to brush against anything to steady herself. However, Celestia was enjoying the wild ride, giggling uncontrollably as she continued to spin.

"What are you two doing?" John demanded. "This place is an absolute disaster zone!"

"Silence, knif - knave! State thy reason for intruding within the walls of our domain," Luna shouted, finally stopping her chair to glare down at John, fighting to keep her balance upright after the spin cycle she had endured..

"I live here, what the hell are you on?"

"Luna," Celestia shouted, her eyes lit up with delight as she finally ceased her spinning. "John's home!"

John could only stare in disbelief at the two alicorns. They were normally a bit odd, considering they belonged to a different realm. But today, this was something else, they were acting like complete idiots.

Celestia slid out of her chair, excited to see John. As she tried to stop down onto the floor, the white alicorn lost her balance, falling face first into the hard linoleum. Her form was bathed in a blue glow, as her younger sister helped her up with rather jerky movements.

"Shank you, thister," Celestia mumbled, watching as Luna herself gingerly made her way down to ground level. She didn't fare much better, losing her balance as well and falling to the floor.

"Are you two drunk?" John asked, pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"No, don't be ridi...ridlic..... silly," Luna replied, picking herself up off the floor. The princesses swarmed over John giving him a group hug that about dropped him to the floor. Both Luna and Celestia struggled to keep their balance, putting much of their weight upon John to compensate.

"We are delighted to see you have made it home without incident," Celestia said as she pulled back, her eyes unfocused.

"I'm not going to ask again, what are you two on, are you drunk?" John demanded, crossing his arms in a stern gesture.

"No, we have consumed no wine today. The only items we have tried were the potions you have stored within the wooden vessel," Luna replied, her voice becoming upbeat, almost proud at her admittance.

"Wooden vessel?" John questioned, thoroughly confused. It took him a moment to realize what she was referring to. "You mean the liquor cabinet in the dining room?"

The two sisters exchanged uneasy glances as they blushed, before turning their attention back to John.

"Lick her?" Luna asked, pointing to her sister. "My sister is easier to coerce into such um... acts, but that is very straightforward of you."

"Luna!" Celestia turned beet red as she fumed over her sister's words, using one of her wings to bap her across the back of the head.

"I only speak the truth," Luna shouted back, attempting to dodge her sister's physical rebuttal and almost falling over in the process.

"No, liquor, you sickos. L-I-Q-U-O-R," John snapped, marching past the feuding sisters over to the cabinet in question. Sure enough, he did not need to bother with his keys as the doors came open with a simple tug upon the handles.

With everything going on, John wasted no time grabbing a bottle, any bottle from the cabinet, twisting off the cap and taking a big swig. Both alicorns fell silent and turned around to face John, eyeing him with curious minds.

"What does that potion do?" Celestia asked.

"The same as all the others. In my case, it gives me the strength to deal with the two of you tonight," he replied without hesitation, putting the cap back on the liquor bottle. Taking a deep breath, John slowly exhaled his anger, calming himself before he began the ensuing investigation. "Now, how did you manage to get this open, considering I have the only key right here?" he asked, jingling his keyring in demonstration.

"Ooh, I know this one," Celestia shouted, jumping up and down like a little kid. "It's because of the night time."

"Shister, you but-*hic*-utchered that saying to death," Luna managed to stutter, doing her best to stare with disapproval. "I think John is right, you're drunk."

"Right, because you're so eloquent with words right now," John replied. "Anyway, how did you get this open?"

"I may have picked the lock," Luna admitted, her ears drooping as she confessed her guilt. John calmed down a bit at the sight, her adorable expression catching him off guard. Even so, he pushed onward with the questions.

"Okay, that's one mystery off the list. Now, explain to me why the house looks like.... this," he said, spinning around slowly with his arms out, walking back to where he had been standing previously.

"Oh, we decided to annex your home as Equestrian territory," Celestia spoke up, her giddy, almost comical demeanor subsiding just a bit. "For your protection, of course." She nodded fervently, and her younger sister followed her lead in turn, both of them looking like bobblehead dolls.

"Protection. Right."

"From griffons," Luna quickly added with a shout. Rather than clarify the situation, the interruption merely muddled John's mind further. He took another drink from the bottle he held.

"Uh huh. Now, I would be willing to believe you two if there were griffons in my world, but they don't exist," John calmly argued. "So what's the real reason for these shenanigans? If you have any, of course. I'm kind of scared to know what's been going on in those heads of yours."

"You doubt our judgment? We have seen these griffons prowling your property all day, and we have prepared for any incoming assaults," Luna shot back in a rather aggressive tone. While inebriation made Celestia more light-hearted and happy, it was clear it did not do the same for Luna.

Just as John was about to respond, both princesses stood to attention, their eyes drawn to something behind him. They galloped past him without a word, their horns aglow and faces hardened and determined. John himself quickly spun around to catch sight of their sudden interest.

"There, another griffon scout approaches," Luna announced as she peered out the window, her sister standing beside her as she too wore a determined, serious face. With some effort, he pushed his way between the pair as they huddled around the window, scoffing as he lay his eyes upon the adversary.

"You're screwing with me, right? That's one of the neighborhood stray cats," he exclaimed, watching the petite feline outside. The black cat slowly prowled its way through the grass outside, focusing upon a robin on the ground just feet away, oblivious to its observers. "They're inbred, I'll give you that, but hardly dangerous."

"Nay, we know a griffon when we see one, right sister?" Luna asked, looking past John's figure to receive confirmation. Celestia nodded her head, smiling vapidly all the while.

"Griffons are part lion, part eagle, right? Where's the bird part?"

"The scouts are very sneaky," Celestia tried to whisper, her voice instead coming out at a normal volume, but with a raspy tone. Despite the hot mess he had walked into, John was finding it more and more difficult to not just laugh at the drunken buffoonery.

"Alrighty then, you two are done with drinks for the day," he said. "How much did you two drink, anyway?"

"Oh, we put the empty bottles in your slink - sink" Luna said, correcting her slur. "We thought maybe you reused them for your next batch of potions."

John's jaw dropped, glancing between Celestia and Luna as he expected one of them to burst out laughing with a "gotcha" response. But they only stared back, swaying just a bit as the alcohol continued to play havoc with their balance.

"Holy crap, you aren't supposed to drink anywhere near that much," he exclaimed, catching both alicorns by surprise. "I mean, didn't you even bother reading the bottles in the first place? It says right on the label it contains alcohol, and how much of it."

Again, Celestia and Luna exchanged a glance, waiting for the other to speak up. They mumbled something incoherent back and forth, pointing hooves at each other. Finally, Celestia sighed and turned her attention to John, a look of defeat and shame upon her face.

"We... we didn't pay that much attention, to be honest," she admitted sheepishly.

"You two rule an entire land, and you can't even be bothered to completely read a label on something that may or may not be for consumption?" he asked, incredulous.

"It's our day off!" they both shouted in unison.

"Right. Anyway, you two better stay here until you sober up. Which means I'm going to need all the help I can get," John replied, taking another shot of booze.

"So, you said that potion gave you strength, but what did the ones we drank do?" Celestia asked. John only sighed at the realization everything he said was going in one ear and out the other.

"Well, in your cases, it does one amazing thing."

"Really? What? Tell us." Luna demanded, with Celestia nodding in eager agreement.

"It makes even the most intelligent beings turn into complete babbling idiots," John replied.

"Wow."