The Truth of the Millennium

by Daemon McRae

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, Dark, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 22849

Discord and Luna take a long-overdue trip to a parallel dimension, the reality where they had actually been living for a millenium of exile.

Once, during a brief conversation between Luna, Celestia, and Discord, the Spirit of Chaos lets slip a piece of information that neither he nor Luna could possibly know, having been imprisoned for a thousand years. Upon further interrogation, Luna confesses that neither she nor Discord were truly imprisoned for the millenium they were absent.

They resided in Tirelic, a parallel world where the night never ends, where abominations of terrible origin and conspicuous means make trade and commerce, and where everything is more than it ever could have been anywhere else. A land where beasts and ponies, gods and mortals, and everything in between made their homes, their lives, and their living in the place that should be impossible in the plane of existence that is improbable.

The world where Tirek won. The world where he still rules.

And where he's been waiting for Celestia for over a thousand years.

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An old collab with RainbowBob, including original Author's notes/commentary. We never finished it, so it's posting as complete because that's all there is! I tried finding it recently and it had disappeared everywhere! Except, of course, my cloud drive. Heehee.

Published 2018-09-09 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-09 04:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Confessions Over Confectionery

This lunch should have been like any other. Nothing should have changed. We could have avoided this entire thing if that daft, arrogant, anachronistic fool of a mishmash of useless animal parts dragged up from the depths of—

I digress. To save time, and energy, I will simply say that it did happen. And over scones, no less. I haven’t looked at pastries quite the same since. It’s… complicated.

The evening had started off like any other. I had awoken to find the sun low enough in the sky that the horizon had been painted brilliant hues of orange, purple, and an array of other colors I dared not insult by naming them. Even with my predisposition and, in fact, position as ruler of the night, I always found a way to appreciate the beauty in what my sister does. At least, now, I do. There had been moments when I had not, but everypony has already heard that story. No need to mention it again.

Rising from my slumber, I met with my sister for our customary tea time. There is a little courtyard established on a balcony that faces west, so as to see the last lights of the sun and the waning luminescence of the moon each dusk and dawn, respectively. It is a peaceful, neutral place for my sister and I. Even during my time spent as Nightmare Moon I dared not defile this small yet sacred space. It would have been an insult to both of us.

To explain the full meaning of such a dainty locale would take a significant amount of time. Not that that is anything I am in short supply of, at the moment. But I have much more pressing stories to tell.

I had arrived first at the balcony, staring in earnest and appreciation at the palette of sky my sister had brought forth. I could see her in the distance, taking a moment to herself to fly out over the city and countryside, admiring her subjects and all of the glorious things they had created under our guidance and rule. It was truly something to be proud of.

I seemed to have caught her at the tail end of her aerial jaunt, as she started heading back to the castle shortly after I began watching her. I took a seat at the small table laid out for us, and gave brief instructions to an attendant nearby. She departed just as my sister landed on the balcony and made her way to me. The two exchanged pleasant smiles, the attendant bowing before removing herself entirely from the courtyard.

“Good evening, Lu,” Celestia greeted me warmly, with all the matronly air of a well-practiced ruler and an older sister. “Did you sleep well?”

I nodded agreeably. “Yes, quite so. I have been getting more and more sleep the longer I am back. It is, good, to be able to accustom myself to my old habits again.”

“And old habits die hard, don’t they, little Lulu?” said a familiar, grating male voice from behind me. I sighed heavily, knowing full-well its possessor.
“...good evening, Discord.” The words felt forced and taught, like they were being pulled out. For all intents and purposes, they might as well have been. “To what do we… owe the pleasure?”

Celestia nodded apologetically. “I had hoped to say something before he arrived, Lu. As part of Discord’s… rehabilitation, I have asked him to join us on this neutral ground. So that we may become more accustomed to verbal discourse with him on a regular basis. He is an occupant of the castle now, after all.”

Knowing full well that my sister’s intentions were pure, I decided to ignore the obvious flaw in her plan: Discord prided himself on being truly neutral. Chaotic neutral, in fact. He had no such allegiances to anypony, and a propensity for finding perfect little loopholes to do whatever he wanted regardless of company. Even in my long dealings with him I have found that any such alliances he might construct are subject to change on a whim. I’ve found it, difficult to believe he is trying to be an agent of good.

I do, however, have faith in those that vouch for him, and that is enough for now. It has to be. “So, I ask again Discord. To what do we owe the pleasure?” The words felt less forced, given the circumstances I had been presented with.

“Why, to enjoy a spot of tea and some treats while I’m at it,” Discord replied, taking my cheek in his claw to tug in a pinch like an adult would do for a child. “Unless you two intend to be selfish and parlay without me. Which would just be the most inhospitable thing, wouldn’t it?” I could practically see his devious smile behind me: rows of sharp, pointed teeth with that one snaggle-tooth fang that he chose to trademark for himself.

The one thing that I found reliable about Discord, his one tell, if he had any, was that he never truly told a lie. He may tell only half-truths, or leave with silence in the air like a threatening thundercloud, but never an outright lie. To do so would make him… predictable. It is a strange thing, to think of the truth as unpredictable, but there you have Discord in a nutshell: strange. Of course, knowing the King of Fools, it that same nutshell would most likely be a garish plaid, or covered in sequins. Mother of I, would that I could forever curse the inventor of the sequin. Or, the next best thing, the fool who showed them to Discord.

“It is not to parlay that we sit here, Discord. It is simply… to pass the time. To enjoy each other’s company. And to take such a moment as to sample some of the freshest pastries our kitchen has to offer,” Celestia explained, gesturing a slender, regal hoof in the direction of the balcony doors. I turned my attention, and in fact, could feel Discord do the same, to the now-present line of waiters standing calmly and regally in patient queue, each with a silver tray of food.

A calm that lasted insomuch as long as it took to notice the draconequus in the room.

“Oh Celestia, deary, you commend me with this fine feast you have presented before me,” Discord said in such extravagant prose that one would have to be dull or deaf to not catch the snarky attitude biting through. Slithering along the ground much like the snake his hindquarters represented, Discord took the jump on the lineup of waiters in his usual shocking demeanor. Without a moment’s hesitation he was gobbling up treats in his gullet like the ravenous monster his form portrayed. In short order the cookies, danishes, crumpets, cakes, and even the finger sandwiches—a name whose function I still questioned—were consumed in a gluttonous manner that made many a waiter green with disgust. But Discord took no mind to their reactions. That was probably his intent in the first place, to egg them on with his unruly display of feasting on the baked sweets. Though even I had to admit the rampant licking of his snake like tongue over his face to consume the last bit of icing left my stomach in a knot.
Celestia, somehow, had found this… amusing. She was chuckling behind her hoof, and gave the waitstaff an apologetic smile before sending them away with another wave, a dismissal they took as a great relief from present company.

I was less than entertained. “At least he left us the scones,” I remarked, seeing a lone tray on the table before us. I assume my sister had taken the courtesy of pulling them out of the line of fire once she saw Discord ready to pounce. I took one within my magical grasp, and took a hearty bite. My sister had always encouraged me to “nibble daintily”, I had always considered myself more robust than such mannerisms would allow.

Discord, in a rare, or, keeping his nature in mind, common moment of surprise, took one look at the plate of pastries left behind, and stuck his tongue out in disgust.

“Scones? Really now?” he gagged, turning his tongue into the shape of an ‘x.’ Sniffing the plate and snorting in disdain at the delightful tasting pastry, said, “These aren’t even sweet! They’re right above rice cakes in terms of enjoyment in snacking on. I mean, seriously, what pony in their right mind would possibly—” Discord stopped in mid sentence, mismatched eyes positively shining with malicious intent. Throwing the one scone up and down in his claw in a nonchalant manner, he winked to my sister and I and said, “Oh, I get it now. Makes perfect sense, really.”

I knew it to be bait. Every fiber of my being told me not to respond to the obvious verbal mousetrap he had laid before me. I looked pleadingly to Celestia, who of course, was enjoying a scone with her eyes closed. So, naturally, I bit. “What, pray tell, are you on about, Discord?”

“Well, the obviousness of it all is practically hanging in the air,” he explained. Smiling that same wild grin of his that always seemed half shrouded in shadows, he pointed the scone directly at me. “Or rather, on your rear.”

The implications were obvious. Of course he, the Trickster Lord, would resort to calling a matriarch of an entire nation ‘fat.’ Before I had a chance to respond, thought, my sister cut in.

“Well, Discord. You asked earlier what kind of pony would enjoy a piece of confectionery such as this, did you not?” she asked innocently. Now, I knew my sister well, and it was all I could to to keep from smiling at what I knew she was going to say next. Instead, I bit into a scone to hide my grin.

Now, I should explain one thing before I go on. There are many, many stories and rumors about the age of the members of the Royal Family. Some of them absolutely outlandish, others more accurate than we would like to admit. But it is a rare moment when either of us would make any kind of statement that would betray our actual age.

So it took even I by surprise when Celestia followed Discord’s inquisitive grin up with, “If memory serves, your mother.”

Discord stared at Celestia with one of the most outlandish expressions I’ve ever seen. One mismatched eye was narrowed in what I thought amounted to contempt. Another was wide, his scarlet red iris practically filling his pupil while his eyebrow threatened to fly off his face. His mouth was a mix of a snarl and half hidden grin. All in all, it was like Discord was trying to express multiple different emotions at once, each probably pertaining to the insult Celestia just slinged at him.

Finally, Discord raised one claw in the air and said, “Oh snap, crackle, pop!” enunciating each word with a snap of his fingers, and wiggling his hips in a very sassy manner. “Looks like old sun butt still had some moves on her.”

To say I was surprised at my sister’s sharp tongue was an understatement. To say I was amused by it even more so. I came rather close to choking on my scone, as it were. “Dear Sister!” I finally exclaimed, having cleared my throat of the offending pastry. “A lady must never reveal her age!”

The three of us looked about each other, and rather shamelessly deteriorated into a fit of giggles. Perhaps having a spirit of chaos about could be… less than distasteful.

The next few minutes passed with rather idle chatter, or as idle as one could maintain given the present company. It wasn’t until we had come round to the discussion of current affairs did anything actually happen. We had come to discuss the recent coronation of the young Princess Twilight Sparkle. A rather grand affair it had been, and more than joyous. Discord had opted to refrain from attending. His tastes lay in the rather more enthusiastic kind of parties. Or, as he put it…

“I’m just saying, a disco ball would’ve really livened up the place,” Discord sighed, sipping the last of his tea cup and setting the tea back down in the coaster. Next time we should probably refrain from using the fine china when Discord attends for tea. “Maybe some fireworks and a chocolate fountain or two. But no, Twilight just had to have the least ‘get shiggy with it’ coronation I’ve ever seen!” Discord huffed, running a claw through his mattered mohawk. “At least Cadence’s had some excitement to it. Much less of a drull than Twilight’s little ball, if you ask me.”

What happened next made every drop of my blood freeze in my veins. Celestia stopped mid-sip, gently put her cup down on the saucer she had been using, and asked, quietly and politely, “And how would you know what Cadence’s coronation was like, Discord?”

Discord stopped for a moment, whatever machinations contained within his head probably blowing a gasket right now. I swear, I could see smoke actually rising from his ears. Tapping a claw to his chin, Discord’s mouth hung open with no more than an unintelligible grunt, the only sound he could muster. “I… uh… have pictures from the party?”

I flinched noticeably. So much so that Celestia turned her attentions on me. Maintaining that same calm, collected tone, she asked me, “Dear sister, do you know what it is Discord is hiding from me?”

Now, I have never been any great shakes at lying, or politics. My strengths lie in military pursuits and motivational speaking. Not… lying to my sister. My eyes darted unconsciously back and forth, with Discord making obvious shakes of his head and claw crossing his neck in a blatant signal, and I mustered a weak, “Um… no?”

For a fraction of a second, in desperation, my mind let me believe she had believed me. She sighed, dipped her head, and was quiet for a moment. Then, she spoke. “My dearest Luna, I would hate to think that after all we have been through, after the great lengths and torments our relationship has brought us to in the name of Equestria and each other, that you would not do something so devious and insulting as to lie to me. Even more so, you would side with Discord over me in what has the potential to be a rather important matter. So please, if any of what I have done for you means more than a few simple words in my favor, I implore you, tell me the truth.”

I have never been good at lying. Nor politics, debates, or verbal conflict. My sister, on the other hoof, is a master of the spoken word and emotional manipulation. Suffice to say, I crumbled. “Tia, my sister. We couldn’t tell you. Neither of us. We’d decided long ago that letting loose this secret, this… burden, could do no good for anypony. We knew that if you found out, you would act. You and I are prone to… irrational decisions. I feared that you would err in judgement if you found out without knowing all that I know on the subject.”

Discord’s only response to this was a miserable facepalm.

My sister’s expression seemed to harden and soften with my words, to the extent that I could not properly judge her emotions when I was done. “And what, pray tell, is this… great secret you seem to share with what was once our great enemy?”

I shook my head sadly. “No, Tia. He was your great enemy. For years, centuries, he was… my ally. My only ally, for a very long time. He helped me. To survive, to thrive, and to maintain what little of myself there was left during my imprisonment.”

Now Discord was gagging, pointing a claw at his outstretched tongue.

Now her expression was blatant and clear. Confusion. “Your imprisonment? What does your imprisonment have to do with Discord? He had been trapped in stone for years before you were sent to the moon.”

Discord patted Celestia on the head, treating her much in the childish way he did to me not too long ago. “Aww, isn’t that adorable? She thinks she knows everything! Well, dear lil’ ol’ Tia, here’s a newsflash. Just because everything is under your sun, doesn’t mean you’re all knowing about it.” Discord leaned down closer, holding a paw to cup Celestia’s ear as he whispered, “A couple of things slip past you, but I just think it’s so cute how you try to maintain yourself as being wise on everything. It’s like a foal trying to sit at the adult’s table!”

It was evident that Discord’s jabs at her lack of omnipotence were digging under her skin. I made a few gestures behind my sister’s back in an attempt to silence him, but to no avail. “What are you talking about? You were trapped in stone for over a millennia!” She had grown angry now, her voice rising in indignant rage. “And you!” she yelled, pointing an accusing hoof at me. I quickly ceased any attempts at nonverbal communication with the draconequus. “You were to be banished to the moon for a thousand years! Where could you possibly have gone for all that time that I didn’t know about?!”

“Maybe she didn’t write back in all that time?” Discord guessed, poking Celestia in the side with his elbow. “After all, you know how mares could be at her age back then. Never listening to their elders, always being rebellious, throwing away all attachment to ties they once had with loved ones. And they never do seem to find the time to write, do they? I mean, you did make Luna here mighty mad.” Discord winked at me. “Could make someone just up and run away, especially considering you kicked her out in the first place.”

By now, my sister was livid. Both with confusion and the natural sense of irritation that comes from prolonged, unprescribed exposure to the Spirit of Chaos, she seethed in her seat. “Fine, Discord. I’ll bite. Where, exactly, were you two during your ‘imprisonments?’”

“Oh, she said it, she actually said it!” Discord slammed his palm on the table, holding out his claw expectantly and staring me down in triumph. “I told you she threw us in a cell to rot away, but you never believed me! Always going on about ‘she banished me but never meant for it to last a thousand years.’ Well, maybe for me, but not for you! Ha, biggest lie I’ve ever heard! Well, where’s my two bits I so rightfully deserve? You did make the bet, after all.”

I glared at Discord, then turned my still-hateful expression on my sister. “You said it was a mistake. You said I wasn’t supposed to stay up there. You promised!”

“Where were you, sister?!” she shouted, ignoring my anguish.

“A thousand years! A millennia that you had no intention of undoing! Where were you when I was left alone in Hell with this psychopath?! Where were you when I had nothing to my name but broken armor and shattered limbs?!” I cried. I felt the table, nay, the entire veranda shake underneath me.

“You were supposed to be asleep for a thousand years!” Celestia retorted. I could see tears in her eyes, but I didn’t care. “That was the only thing the Elements would grant me to stop you without your death, and that’s the only chance I took!”

“Nopony in their RIGHT MIND falls asleep in Tirelic!”

Discord slapped both his hands on either side of his head and groaned. “Oh, come on! You just had to say the name, didn’t you? You couldn’t have drawn out the suspense more or at least have used it for blackmail?” He peeked with single eye at Celestia and stepped slyly away. “Well, I see you two gals are having one of those ‘sister-bonding’ moments, so if you don’t mind me I’ll be going to cash in on my one-thousand years missed vacation days. Don’t bother calling, I really must catch my flight soon!”

I stared coldly at my sister, not bothering to turn my head as I addressed the fleeing draconequus. “Leave now and you’ll never get your two bits.”

Discord stopped in his tracks, one foot over the balcony as he was about to dive for freedom. Grumbling under his breath, with an odd number of mumbled curses in various dead languages, and returned to my side, sitting down cross-legged like a disobedient child put in time out. “You promise? Because I’ve been wanting to spend those two bits on some gumballs I’ve had my eyes on for well over a eight-hundred years now, and you know how impatient I can be.”

Soon after our… exchange, my sister had returned to her quarters to process the information we had given her. I had gone about my nightly duties in raising the moon, and monitoring the dreams of my subjects.

It was during the witching hour that he came, uninvited, into my quarters. Of course he would. Discord was, if nothing else, dramatic. “Discord, please. I still have work to do.”

“Another night shift, I’m guessing?” Discord asked, back stroking through the air to where I was seated. Stopping overhead so he could look down at me with that same cheshire smile of his, he asked, “What work can possibly be more important than catching up with an old friend? Your compadre. Amigo. Muchacho. Good buddy, ol’ pal, and jolly mate. What can it possibly be?”

“You know full well my duties as Princess of the Night. I must attend to the nightmares of the weak and small, along with quieting the unsettled dreamscapes of the unruly and the mad. Much of the damage I repair, Discord, is of your doing. Many ponies still haven’t recovered from the chaos you’ve sown. Not to mention the damage caused by your uncontrollable tongue,” I hissed, more than furious. I knew it was not all his fault, yet I needed somepony else to blame. I was already quite upset with myself, it felt good to be so at some… thing else.

“Well, at least I’m keeping you your job, right?” he chuckled, flicking my horn with an errant finger. How he got it to bend and flex like rubber I still don’t know, but I had to hold onto my horn just to keep my brain from rattling in my skull. “But hey, better than that ‘thousand year’ imprisonment, am I right?” Discord could barely contain himself as he rolled around in the air, barking out laughter from the various animal kingdoms his demented form represented.

“This is no laughing matter!” I snapped. It mattered not, as he continued his raucous uproar of animalistic glee. “Discord, this is serious. You know full well the consequences of Celestia going anywhere near that place. What it would do to her. What he would do to her. You can’t possibly think, even in your sordid mind, that it would be anything less than a disaster. You remember what it’s like over there. Should his influence spread, the rest of the worlds would fall.” My head slumped weakly as I turned my beratement upon myself. “I should never have lost my temper like that. She’ll want more than anything to investigate the crossroads, you know.”

“Like they already won’t fall to another disaster or calamity other than this one. Way I see it, we got an extra couple hundred years before the next storm rolls our way and recks up the place. The cracks in the foundations are already obvious.” Discord twisted around in the air so that he stared me eye with an oddly shaped eye. “What trouble can come from those foundations crumbling too early? It’s not like I’ll be around to enjoy the show, as entertaining as it would be.”

I rubbed my temples with my hooves, impatience and frustration welling within me like hot bile. “You don’t get it. How powerful he was when we left. All of the places he’d created, those monstrosities. If he were to gain access to our world, each and every one behind it would fall. And then he would reach out into the other directions. There would be no place for either of us to hide. And I doubt not that he would ensure us a place in the Many-Angled Isle should he find us. Which I am sure you remember.”

“Don’t remind me,” Discord muttered with a roll of his eyes, which promptly fell out of their sockets. Catching them before they hit the ground, he fit them back into place and said, “You know, there is a way we can keep Celestia from finding out about that place. Might be a bit tricky, but I’m sure we can manage.”

My frustration gave way to confusion, and I caved in to my curiosity. “How could we possibly manage that? She already knows of its name! She’s bound to go charging in, just to make sure all of the others she’s… ‘imprisoned’ aren’t roaming free of their own accord somewhere else! Do you know how many we’ve had to seal away with the Elements?! We can’t tell her anything more about Tirelic without telling her far too much, and with the information she has right now the only conclusion she’s bound to draw is that it’s a safe haven for enemies of Equestria to hide out while they wait for their chance to return!”

“Oh please, they won’t be returning for a couple of thousand years at least.” Discord hummed under his breath, tugging at his beard in his usual contemplative manner of intense thinking, which I had learned could never be a good sign. “Though at the progress they were making the last time I checked, it could be just a couple hundred years. Maybe even a few decades. More were being added each day, so there’s a good chance he’s already halfway complete by now.”

I rolled my eyes slightly. “Discord, you and I both know there’s no physical way to reach Equestria from Tirelic. Not by walking, digging, or flying. We tried.”

“Wow, you really are like your sister,” Discord concluded, sticking his tongue out at me. “We could never hope to achieve exit from that place because it was just us two. Now, let’s say you were to get a couple hundred-thousand ‘volunteers,’ and then you’d be making some progress. No labor unions make getting work done much faster, with minimal coffee breaks as well. After all, we know how efficient he can be when he gets his mind focused on something.”

“You’re talking about a battalion’s battalion of pick-axes. That’s like saying you can get to the other side of the mirror by punching it a million times. No. You… normal ponies just get broken glass,” I argued. A sigh escaped me as I rounded back to our initial issue. “Besides, the problem still stands. My… ‘hot-headed’ sister—shut up—isn’t going to let this lie. And since there’s absolutely nothing in Equestria, written or otherwise, that would answer any of her questions, she’s going to want some first-hoof experience.”

“Which is why we use the ‘Forget-Me-Stick!’” Discord exclaimed, drawing a large nightstick from out of thin air. Giving it a few practice swings, he added, “Just a couple of whacks and she’ll be fine. Sure, brain injuries willing, I’m positive she won’t remember a thing, and we can go on with our lives like we didn’t just conk your sister repeatedly on the noggin. You up for it?”

I met his jovial gaze with a flat expression. “That didn’t work last time, Discord, and it won’t work now. She still remembers your middle name.”

“Ah yes, the one that can bring about the apocalypse. I really should’ve gotten that removed on my driver’s licence.” Discord shrugged and threw the ‘Forget-Me-Stick’ over his shoulder, where it promptly smashed through one of my windows. “Well, I’m stumped.” He hummed under his breath, tugging lightly at his grimy white beard. “Unless you have any suggestions, we can always just go the high road and convince her it was all a dream with the right amount of alcohol and acting skills.”

Involuntarily, I shuddered, my body shaking violently at the thought of reintroducing any of the three of us to alcohol again. “No. Our best bet, despite all of your natural instincts to the contrary, and, I will concede, most of mine, is to tell her the truth. Why she can’t go there. Why we didn’t tell her. As much of it as we can, given our situation. Should she still decide to go, however, there is one distinct advantage we maintain. Albeit a thin one, given my sister’s predisposition for absolute bullheadedness.”

“Well, if she actually does decide to take a peek, then there’s a good chance that her mind would shatter at the pure vileness that place has to offer to newcomers.” Discord tapped two of his claws together while his smile distorted to a more dark and twisted variant of his jolliness. “I mean, when we got there, we both technically counted as villains. While poor little Tia is about as pure as her white coat. Even if he doesn’t find her, do you really think Celestia can handle it? You nearly didn’t. Remember?”

I sighed heavily. “Of course I remember. One of the few things I’m thankful for is the amount of time you’d had before me to acclimate. Pardon my… ‘being mushy’, but had you not been there I may have well and truly lost my place in that land. But no, we can’t rely on her weak stomach or pure heart to rebuff her. Our only hope is that she can’t get there the same way we did. After all, as far as we know, it’s the only way in or out of that land.”

“So, we enter through the gullet of Tartarus again, eh?” Discord chuckled and shook his head, though with much less enthusiasm than he normally expressed. Resting both his feet on the floor with his back straight and hands behind himself, Discord raised a brow at me. “You know that convincing Celestia otherwise would be useless. Yet… you seem… oh, what’s the word?” Discord snapped his finger repeatedly, a frown on his disheveled face. “Eager about it. Yes, yes, that’s the word. Looking forward to going back down old memory’s lane, Lulu?”

Once again, I shook my mane, this time in disagreement. “No, Discord. Tartarus is the way out. The way in, the only way in, is to be banished by the Elements of Harmony. You know it, I know it. And now that the Element Bearers are a new generation of mares, they would be hard-pressed to banish Celestia, even with a direct order. As for memory lane… no. I am not the same mare I was when I last lived in Tirelic. I doubt I could ever be that mare again. Returning would mean… something else. What, I do not know. But I doubt it’s anything either of us are ready for.”

Discord nodded his head, his expression almost… sad. Any mood Discord had that wasn’t related to deviousness or mindless joy usually meant that something serious was about to take place. “That place has a way of changing people, Luna. You and I both know that all too well. You may be a different mare now, but I remember fondly the mare you used to be. The changes may have been made, the differences set in stone, but you know even better than me how easy it is…” He waved his hand aimlessly in the air. “To fall.”

My head fell to lay on my chest. “Yes, I do. You… you never fell. All you have done is rise, since I’ve known you. To power. To the occasion. To battle. I… have fallen. And for a time I thought I would never stop falling. But I have seen what lies at the bottom of that pit, Discord. Monsters and beasts like him are what await those who fall too far. I have seen the bottom of the pit, and risen above it. There are… few things in either world that could fell me so thoroughly as to never come back. However, there is a difference between falling… and changing. The mare I once was may be but a nightmare of my own, but I have seen the potential of creatures to become something they could not, elsewhere, while in that place. The Walking Punishment… she, of all that we have met, is the greatest evidence of that.”

“You weren’t much different,” Discord reminded me. I instinctively winced at that statement. The truth of it hurt much worse than I thought it would. “But still, it looks like Celestia is intent, whether we want to or not, to check the place out. In all retrospect, this might be for the best. I mean… it really is hell incarnate in there. As much as I hate to admit it, Celestia might be just the thing to fix it.”

“Not all of it,” I said quietly. When Discord raised his eyes at me, I repeated, “Not all of it. Certain places, yes. There is no denying the propensity for evil in such a place. But the cities, Discord. Remember the cities. All of those races, the commerce, and the diversity of it all. If not for the obvious flaws, that land has so much potential. No, my fear isn’t that it would be too much for her. I admit, I am afraid of what would happen should he find her, but… my greater worry, in fact, my greatest worry, is that she’ll find something there she could never have here. You know what kind of things you can find there, for the right price. What if my sister encounters an offer she can’t refuse? It’s not like time passes any differently for us or them. I can’t imagine the kind of place our world would be if she found a reason to stay. Like we almost did.”

“Celestia is many things, Luna. A pain in the ass, an obtuse killjoy, and one helluva strict leader. But what she isn’t is a sell short that takes the best offer of the bunch.” Discord wringed his hands together in a nervous habit I had seen often enough. “I mean, Celestia being just… Celestia. That’ll never change. Ever. I know it and you know it. I mean… I mean… you don’t honestly think she’ll actually… be tempted?” Discord’s eyes stared pleadingly at me.

I stared thoughtfully back. “I think, being as old as we are, that there are things in this world that we long for. In that millenia, I got what I asked for, whether I wanted it or not. Celestia has gone centuries without reprieve in the monotony of rule. And above all, there is one thing Tirelic could offer her that even I am not sure she could refuse.”

Discord bit his lower lip. Even though he didn’t like admitting it, he stuck to his old ways best. At least concerning Celestia. No matter how much he antagonized her, she was as much a part of him as he was a bane on her existence. I’m not sure how Discord would change if Celestia was no longer the pure white paladin of goodness he sees her as, but I’d imagine it wouldn’t be pretty.

“Then we’ll just have to make sure she can refuse those offers,” Discord said, though the shakiness of his voice broke what semblance of confidence he had backing up his words. Sighing under his breath, he twiddled his thumbs and said, “You know, now that I think about it, I never should have told her. Bliss from ignorance is one of the best blessings one could have. But… I suppose it was a jab I couldn’t resist taking.”

“I seem to remember there being few things you could resist, Discord,” I acknowledged. It wasn’t forgiveness, nor was it condemnation for his actions. Simply recognizing his nature.

“Yes, well, explaining to Celestia that at any moment in the next few years or so a giant hole can pop up in the middle of Equestria with an entire army of abominations ready to slaughter millions was just too good to pass up.” Discord dug into his pocket—how he managed to keep one on his body while wearing no clothes was still a mystery—and showed me a picture of Celestia’s horrified face. “I’m thinking of getting this framed. Now, do you think a classic wooden frame would do it justice, or should I go for a more glamorous look with a gold trim?”

I felt a slight chuckle come over me, even given my less-than-jovial mood. “I’d suggest black borders and ribbon. We may never see that expression again.”

Stowing the photo away for safe keeping, Discord said to me, “Well, I guess I’m going to get blamed again—unsurprisingly—for Celestia wanting to hit the crossroads. Since you simply shot down all of my brilliant and foolproof schemes, and Celestia herself is practically a freight-train of single mindedness when it comes to ‘national security’, we seem to be stuck.” Discord scratched the side of his face and pouted. “You do know Tia can be an idiot sometimes, right?”

“Yes, I suppose she can be. We can only hope that we are enough to remind her of what she is, and not what she could be,” I sighed, my heart heavy in my chest. “If you would ask her now, I guarantee she would tell you she wouldn’t want to change a thing. But Tirelic is far from now, Discord. Even though I fear it’s getting closer every second. Equestria survived without us for a thousand years. The country nearly fell in a day when my sister disappeared. If we are to truly entertain whatever notion she may have about investigating the crossroads that place has become, we must be ready to be for her what we she has always been for us.”

“A friend?” Discord asked.

I shook my head, one last time before staring off into the night sky. “No. The better person.”

Discord gave a short bark of laughter. Not happy, just sad, like before. Going over to my window and undoing the latch, Discord leaned out of the opening. Before he departed, however, he stared back at me. “You know, Lulu, you were wrong before. For some of us, Tartarus isn’t the exit to Tirelic. It’s the entrance.” He flew off into the night sky, his parting words still traveling on the wind.

“For one reason or another.”

Author's Note

Bob: Well, that went grand-spankingly great, if I do say so myself.

Daemon: It could have gone worse. And by that I mean it was AWESOME!

Bob: Yeah, my awesomeness did add a lot to this chapter. Glad you noticed it.

Daemon: … you do remember this was all my idea, right? OH! Also, for those of you who are curious, this chapter was driven mainly by me, with Bob being a backseat Discord. Which is actually WAY more productive than it sounds.

Bob: I brought popcorn and soda. Didn’t share much, but it’s the thought that counts.

Daemon: Well, that’s okay. You get to do most of the writing next chapter, anyway.

Bob: Yay, I’m useful! Happy days for the spongeman!

Daemon: See you next time, folks!

Bob: Also, Daemon is a butt. A cute butt. Gotta get the last word in somehow. Tally-ho!

Daemon: As you can see, we done did a thing. Turns out some prereader for another site wanted us to make some changes in the first chapter to help narrative flow and to keep our colorful cartoon horses in character without a lot of railroading. Fancy that.

Bob: I blame Daemon, he obviously couldn’t keep up my masterful writing.

Daemon: I’m not even going to bother correcting that sentence, Bob. Just… let it sit there. Sit there and be WRONG.

Bob: No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s right. As we all know, my opinions are facts and facts are always right, right?

Daemon: ...I’m just letting it happen, Bob. Just letting it happen. Anyway, if you’re new, then you won’t be bothered by the changes. If you’re old, then haha I hope you fall down a flight of stairs.

Bob: Wow, Daemon, rude. See, this is why I’m the favorite and you aren’t.

Daemon: Ah, be quiet you old married fart. And, uh… stay on the ground floor. For… reasons.

Bob: Wait, aren’t you older than me? What the hell are you doing with your life, man. Go climb Everest or something.

Chapter 2: And This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Well, here we are. Oddly enough, the situation seemed familiar, yet different somehow. Like a bit of nostalgia in present times. Though truthfully, in comparison, I prefered the past version better. At least then I could avoid it and hop ship whenever I wanted to. Instead, I was forced to sit there and take it.

I, of course, am speaking of one of Celestia and Luna’s famous shouting matches.

In centuries past their arguments could crumble mountains, boil seas, and make even the most ferocious villain cry for mercy. Though rare and far between, when they got a-hollerin’, everypony worth their sense made up their mind to wisely avoid the two sisters as much as possible. Which would explain why I was there in the first place.

“Ladies, ladies, please,” I began to say, holding up my claws to show I was attempting my best shot at negotiating. “Try to tone it down a bit, will you?”

In retrospect, those weren’t the best use of words. Especially since me and Luna just popped the bubble to Celestia not too long ago about our little adventures. I had hoped that she’d simmer and finally cool down a bit after we first revealed the news, but much like the celestial body shown clearly on her rump, Celestia could be a bit of a hothead. Big-headed as well. Feisty too, now that I mention it. But I digress.

She definitely wasn’t taking no for an answer, that was for sure.

“I will not keep my tone down for either of you two,” Celestia warned, eying Luna and I with that much hated and pretentious glare of hers. “Not only did the two of you willingly withhold information from me, you lied about it! Then, to make matters worse, this information puts the entire safety of Equestria in the balance. And you tell me right now, to my face, that you refuse to take me there?”

“Well… not exactly refuse,” I said with my best cheerful grin. Scratch that, I was just trying my best to put forth a smile that didn’t show my anxiety. Celestia was a tough nut to crack, and with matters like this, she may as well as be made from steel. “More like persuade. I mean, we’re just looking out for your best interests.” I pointed a claw at Luna. “Or at least she is.”

“You don’t know the dangers this world presents to you, sister! And think rationally! If this dimension had posed a threat at any point in its existence, do you honestly believe you could have gone so long without hearing about it?! Are you really so arrogant as to believe that just because something is a secret that it’s a threat to you?!” Luna had forsaken placating her sister, and had gone straight for her pride. Not a move I would have made. Or maybe I would. Either way, she got to it first.

And of course, Celestia bit back hard. Just like her. “Any potential threat to Equestria is a threat that I shall not stand by to let happen. And from what you’ve already said about this… Tirelic place you and Discord inhabited for a thousand years, it is most definitely a threat. Monsters, abominations, dark gods and who knows how many other horrors remain in that plane of existence?”

“I actually know,” I said, attempting to diverge the conversation to a more rational footing. Wow, I must really be losing my touch if I was trying to attempt something like that. But without any escape plan in sight, I was grasping straws at anything that’s within reach. “Once you stay there a century or two, you begin cataloging stuff.” Reaching into my favorite pocket-dimension—because really, regular pockets just don’t cut it nowadays—I withdrew a book. Not just any book, mind you. Its cover was made from the exotic tongue of a particularly nasty mutant-zombie-hybrid-potato. Its pages ripped right from the feathers of an extinct species of birds that happened to have paper for wings—I still wonder why they were all killed off. Then the ink used to write the words of the tome was some really cheap stuff I found in a ninety-nine cent bargain bin. “Right here in these pages in everything you’d want to need, want, bribe or stab about Tirelic.”

Luna looked sparingly at the book, and with no lack of disdain. “I really do abhor that tome,” she hissed. “Really, did you have to use the Mutant Zomtato tongue? It absolutely reeks for the first few centuries.” She sniffed the air cautiously, and, detecting no offending odor, returned her attention to Celestia. “Tia, this place is only a threat to you if you go to it.. There’s no part of it that can come here, not now.”

Flipping through a couple of pages, I said, “Eeyup, nothing there can break the dimensional spacetime border between our worlds. Well… except for Tartarus. But no one even knows if that place is even a thing. And even if it is, it hasn’t tried anything for thousands of years. Plus, I don’t think anything from Tirelic would dare try to pass through Tartarus... and make it out alive at the end. Well, if you don’t count the battalion of extradimensional slavemonkeys mining their way through the worlds. But that’s just silly.”

Luna seemed to remain quiet on that front, as well, deciding to switch tactics in her argument. “And if Equestria needs you as desperately as you claim, sister, how could you justify leaving to investigate another dimension entirely? What if something were to happen to you there, like we keep warning you it might? The only threat Tirelic poses to you is you never leaving again! Would you really put yourself at risk over something so foolish as pride when your kingdom so obviously requires your presence?!”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at Luna. The air in the room seemed to drop a few degrees. The stillness that now settled like a blinding fog sent a cold shiver down my back. You see, you’d expect Celestia to have a fiery temper. Something explosive and blazing that incinerates everything around it in an inferno of rage. How I wish that was true. Instead, Celestia’s wrath was as cold as the most frozen wasteland in Equestria and then some. I’ve seen ponies, monsters and even other gods freeze at that stare and whimper in fear. For me, all I got was a chill. For Luna, who was the main target behind that steely gaze, I could only imagine she could hardly move, much less think.

“Dear sister, do you know what my job entitles? What troubles I weather each day under the weight of my crown? What my duty to this nation and every citizen in it means?” Celestia asked, her voice so icy I swear I could spot icles forming on the ceiling. “Because if you can’t understand why I must go to this place known as Tirelic and discover for myself how much of a threat it poses to Equestria, then you don’t know me at all.”

Oh dang. That was sibling rivalry taken to its most extreme. And judging by the pained look etched on Luna’s face, the statement obviously struck her right to her heart.

“You… you dare…” It was obvious Celestia’s statement had hit home. For a second I even thought she had won. “You dare assume I don’t care for our nation as much as you do?! I spent a thousand years in that hole, Celestia! Ten centuries! You cannot imagine the kind of survival techniques I’ve had to implement to keep myself alive, to keep myself sane! The things that place makes you do! I spent a thousand years waiting to come home, Tia! To our kingdom! To my own bed! To my family! And you think just a quick jaunt and back is enough to form a better opinion?! To educate yourself entirely on what it took me a thousand years to learn?! If you truly believe that you need to see Tirelic for yourself, dear sister, then you obviously still don’t TRUST ME!”

Celestia didn’t answer. She just stared at Luna, dead center gaze neither of the two sisters broke. And really, that was all the answer Luna needed.

Stepping forward to break their game of a hate induced staring contest, I lifted up my hands and said, “Okay, we all get the point already! Tia, if you want to stick your muzzle into a bear trap, be my guest! I’ll give you the keys to enter that place myself if you want to!”

“Fine,” Celestia replied sharply. “I want to arrive there as soon as possible. Is that understood?”

Glancing down at Luna, I noticed the tears in her eyes. She was trying her best to hold back a sniffle, but it was clear she’d break down soon. She usually did when dealing with a situation like this.

“Yes,” I said with a wave of my claw. Looking to her, I asked, “Just let Luna and I prepare, okay?”

Celestia gave us a curt nod, leaving us alone in the royal chambers of Luna’s room without a word. Not like anything else could’ve been added to a conversation like that. Once the door closed, I huffed a sigh of relief and wiped my forehead with the hairs of my tail. “Sheesh… I forgot how much of a thorn in the side that mare can be.”

Luna did little more than sniffle for a few moments. She never did have much of a stomach to argue with Celestia, but that was taking things a few notches above extreme. Then, she looked up at me. “And how exactly do you plan on ‘handing the keys’ to Tirelic, anyway?”

I smiled and unfurled my bat wing, revealing the Elements of Harmony held in each of my wingtip’s grasp. “Why, by using these beauties I totally didn’t steal from Celestia’s personal chambers, of course.” I failed to mention that I also pinched twenty bits while in there to buy some cavity inducing candy, but yeah, like she really needed to know that.

Luna balked at the sight of the jewels. “Are you… how could you think of using those against my sister?! Not to mention convincing the Element Bearers to do so would be nigh impossible! Are you cra—nevermind.”

“Crazy? Why of course not, Lulu deary.” I leaned down closer to her, smelling the slight hint of fear in the air as I widened my sharp toothed grin to monstrous levels. “I’m just mad!” I giggled like a little school foal at this, irresistibly clutching at my lips to hold the chuckles in. Unfortunately for me, Luna had seen this freakout trick I’ve pulled before on many an unsuspecting stranger. I didn’t get quite the reaction I wanted out of her—terror inducing levels of fright for Luna, the regal pony of Nightmare Night, is quite tricky—but I was content to see her frown at my behavior. Just like the good ol’ days.

She frowned in that way that suggested she wasn’t sure what to do with the situation. “Isn’t there another method of… ‘travel?’ I know we have yet to find one, mostly for lack of searching, but surely we can come up with something… This is a royal palace in a land full of magic! One would think we would have more than one method of interdimensional travel!” She pouted, and stamped a hoof on the ground. Rather unladylike.

“But… I wanna turn Celestia into a statue!” I argued, copying the exact same pout she was putting forth and stamping my own hoof through the ground, though mine just crumbled through the marble floor and left my hoof wiggling in the ceiling directly underneath us. Grunting and dislodging my leg from the floor, I said, “Come on, just for a little payback. You know you want to do it as well, just for old time’s sake. Just five minutes. In that time I can have some real fun!” That fun involving a sharpie and no grasp of maturity of any kind, I might add.

I saw the corners of her mouth twitch in what could be a smile if I pressed hard enough, but she had decided to stand firmly her resolve. “No. We will find another way into Tirelic. Of course, if we can’t…” Luna’s thoughts drifted. I had an inkling where it was going.

“Oh no! I am not going back in that hellhole!” I shouted, pointing a finger directly in her muzzle. “Forget it! I only escaped Tartarus once, Luna. That’s as much luck as I’m willing to bet. Not even I, in all my immaculate and grand glory, would risk spending the rest of my eternal days cooped in there. And neither should you.”

She gave me a flat look, telling me I clearly didn’t understand her idea. “No, you cacophonous catastrophe. I mean, if we can’t find a way in, then most likely neither could my sister. Which means this is all a great big moot point.”

“Luna, this is Celestia we’re talking about. Celestia, the pony who never gives up at anything. Celestia, the mare that managed to track down all the Elements across the globe, scouring the farthest reaches of civilization and then some, just so she could defeat me.” Noticing Luna’s annoyed glare, I quickly added, “Along with your help as well, sheesh.” Holding the Elements of Harmony in a bundle in my paw, I stared at the multiple reflections of me in their gems. Good to see six handsome Spirits of Chaos looking right back. “If Celestia doesn’t use the Elements to catch a ride on the fast ticket to Tirelic, then she’ll go through its exit. And even I don’t think she’ll survive the trip through Tartarus. But she’ll go through it anyways, because…” Luna knew the answer before I even had to say it.

“Because that’s who she is. Because she’s the Princess of the Sun, and all of Equestria is her charge. I know. But there has to be some other way.” She sighed, exasperated. “If we were just in Tirelic already we could ask someone to help us, like The Doorman or the Mirror Sisters. But no. We have to be here. On the difficult side of things.”

“Well, at least we keep most of da magics on this side as well,” I reminded her, snapping my claw for a brief spark of light to flame forth, then spizzle out while reenacting a tap dancing performance. “You’d think that’d make things as smooth as a unicorn’s horn, but it’s just not to snuff. Tirelic is the edge of the universe and pit of existence. Magic, in all it’s insufferable yet useful glory, just doesn’t cut it there. Meaning that anything we try to do to ‘poof’ on over will result in nil, nada, zero and void.”

Luna rubbed her forehead in what I could only assume was one of her headaches coming on. “That’s part of it, yes. Magic there is… different. Insomuch as to be almost incompatible with anything here. The only other place magic works even remotely the same way is… in… Tartarus…” she trailed off, the inklings of an idea sprouting in her mind.

“Well, we can try a portal,” I suggested, spinning my finger through the air to create a hoop of light. Flicking it and scoring a point on getting it on Luna’s horn, I shrugged. “But punching through the spacetime border between worlds would be hard to pull off, even for someone with talents as brilliant as my own. Besides, even if all three of us tried our darndest to hitch a ride to Tirelic across the dimensional drift using Tartarus as a base, there’s no guarantee we’ll arrive there…” I remove my right arm from its socket, waving my lion’s paw in her face, “In one piece.”

Luna considered this, absentmindedly flicking the halo off of her head. “Yes, but if we had a focus, some kind of pre-existing portal that could tune itself to Tirelic with little to no magical direction. All we’d have to do is drag it to Tartarus and hop through. Not even very far into The Pit. Just within the borders. I doubt we’d even need to go over the ledge.”

“Well…” I scratched my head with a claw, reflecting on what could possibly get us to the land of nevermore. Then, it hit me. “The mirror!” I shouted, snapping my fingers in remembrance. “The mirror leading to humanland! We get it to Tartarus, configure it a bit, and I’m sure it can punch through spacetime and get us to Tirelic again, no problem!”

Luna’s eyes widened as I spoke, and by the end she was nodding. “Yes, that could work! Although, it means actually dealing with the Mirror Sisters, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. If anything it’ll make things easier. They always did like company.” She stopped for a moment, and sighed again. “This means we actually do have to go back, don’t we?”

I caught the hesitation in Luna’s voice like a hoofball player catching a flyball. “Not looking forward to the old stomping grounds?” I asked. I already knew Tirelic was never a place of Luna’s fondest memories. Sure, we had a ball every once in a while, but Equestria was truly her home. A home she didn’t get a chance to see, not once, in her thousand year banishment. Worse case of homesickness I’ve ever seen. Often times she’s told me, during her most desperate and dark hours, how she wished she had been banished on the moon like intended. Then at least she’d be able to glance down at the ball in the void of space that was her home.

For me, I was just glad I didn’t have to experience pigeons crapping on me for a thousand years.

“There’s… there are a lot of places in Tirelic that aren’t so bad as all that. The cities, especially the Mecca, had great potential. My biggest concern is that being there at all will be too much for Celestia. I can’t say that there are places there that I wouldn’t want to visit again. People I had that came close to… friends. But I can’t honestly say there’s enough good left in that world to balance out all of the reasons we shouldn’t be going.” Her speech was slow, measured. It was obvious she was controlling a series of conflicting emotions even as she realized them.

Of course, I couldn’t help poking fun at a crucial flaw in her reasoning. “Not too eager to rekindle old flames with your boyfriend, are you Lulu?” I said, ending my sentence with all too knowing wink of one secret sharer to another. I must admit, the utter balk of the expression her face made caused me to wish I had a camera to capture the precious moment we were sharing.

“That… you can’t be serious. Him? Of all the things we could be talking about, I seriously think bringing up that man is the last thing we should be doing.” She huffed, and turned to walk out of the room. Apparently, having reached some kind of conclusion, she had decided to ‘get things over with.’ “Besides,” she added, looking over her shoulder at the doorway. “If memory serves, Discord, while we were in Tirelic, I spent much more time in your ‘company’ than I ever did his.”

“Don’t deny your wuuuuuuv Loonypoo!” I laughed, making a red heart shaped drawing in the air with my tail. “Like all those times you ran off with him. You crazy kids.” Poking my head through the heart drawing, I asked, “Ever regret leaving his sorry butt behind, Lulu?”

She stopped, just the tail end of her visible through the doorway. “There are many things I’ve done that I regret, Discord. Please do yourself a favor and don’t become one of them. Now come along, and let’s get this over with.”

“Very well, your majesty,” I said, taking a bow as I ran forward to catch up with her. Of course, I already knew she was gritting her teeth at that little jab. Luna never took kindly to her royal title… well, at least back then. Now she’s all up for being accepted as a princess and just another ruler of Equestria. But back in Tirelic, where her title was null and void, there was nothing that egged her on greater.

“Oh what a wonderful—”

“Discord!” Celestia snapped at me, glaring with an agitated rage that just won’t let up.

I stared at her, lifting up a brow. “What?”

“You’ve been singing that song for the past hour!” Celestia explained, her right eyelid twitching slightly. “Will you please end that tune immediately? I fear for my sanity as well as my sister’s if we are to be forced to continue listening to that insufferable song for much longer.”

“Hey now, I sung this all the time with Luna back in our glory days!” I said, switching the arm I was lugging the mirror with to my right. Breaking the damn gateway from its honorary position was a pain, and dragging it about was an even bigger one. “Why, we’d sing jolly tunes aplenty, back when we were being chased by some beast or cosmic horror. Remember, Luna? Fun times, am I right?”

Luna didn’t seem to hear me at first, as she appeared lost in thought. When I moved closer to bug her further, however, I heard: “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-A, my oh my, what a wonderful day…”

“Ha! See!” I pointed to Luna, sticking my tongue out at Celestia. “At least she knows how to have some fun. Maybe this trip to funland of the damned will teach you a thing or two, Miss Uptight Ass.”

Luna seemed to finally come to attention in regards to the conversation. “Huh… what? Oh! We seem to be almost there. Discord, please be careful with the mirror. If it breaks, we really do not want to have to explain the alternatives.”

“Those alternatives being the six kiddies we just ditched?” I asked. Actually, she made a fair point. How exactly did Celestia explain to the Element Bearers where we were going? “So… Celly, I take it Twily took the news well?” I asked, leaning down to throw my arm over Celestia’s shoulder. “I mean, what with us going to the edge of existence in the land of improbable. You do know how dear lil’ Twilight handles stress, don’t you?”

“I told her I’d be busy for a while,” Celestia replied shrugging me off to move closer to Luna’s side. “I have full trust in Twilight’s abilities to rule Equestria in Luna and my own’s absence. Her credentials as a leader you already know too well, so her ruling the nation for a few days can’t hurt. All she knows is that there is some important business the three of us must attend to, and nothing more.” Though her voice was firm and strong, as per usual for Celestia, I did detect the slightest note of anxiety peppered throughout her speech.

Hoping over the two so I was on the opposite of Celestia’s side with Luna, I nudged the dark alicorn with my tail. “Looks like Celly can’t be bothered enough to put all her trust in Twilight, seeing as how she won’t even tell her where we’re heading off to. Seems kind of familiar, doesn’t it, Lulu?”

Luna slowed her pace slightly, as if considering stopping. She kept walking, though, even as she turned her head to me. “Discord, you remember where we are going, yes?”

“Oh yes, Tartarus. Eternal resting place and cesspool of the wicked and deceitful. Kind of a hard place to find if you’re not being careful.” Sticking my finger in my ear, digging around a bit to poke my brain—or perhaps it was my liver, couldn’t tell—I withdrew and took a lick of my finger with my tongue, now sticking it up in the air to catch the faintest hint of wind. Celestia stared at me with a strange and rather perplexed expression while Luna just took a bored glance in my direction. Nodding my head and humming under my breath, I pointed directly to my right and said, “There it is.”

My finger flew off and directed us to a small hole in the ground, so tiny one wouldn’t think a pony could fit into it. It wasn’t really a cave so much as what one would expect a woodland critter of some type to make its home in. Catching my returning finger in my paw, I waved my hand in front of the entrance to hell. “Oh, let me just open it up first,” I said, coughing a bit into my fist. Taking a big gulp of breath, I shouted, “I’ll take a number two with extra cheese and a diet soda!”

Luna sighed as Celestia rolled her eyes. Before the Solar Princess could say anything, the Lunar one spoke up. “No, Discord. The other place we’re going to. You say you remember it well, yes?” I could tell she was leading me into something.

“But I’m hungry!” I complained. Luna’s serious glare that I remember all too well made me roll my eyes in response. Though I knew there was no use in arguing over it. Groaning, I asked, “Hey, Cerberus! Tell your boss we need a way in! I’ll owe him one for this!” I heard distant barking down in the hole. Along with grumbling and what sounded like a key unlocking a door.

The hole in the ground started growing larger, doubling in size in the first few seconds and only continuing on from there. Bones poked out of the ground, leading to spinal cords, rib cages and even skulls as the hole to the inferno of the damned grew and grew.

Waiting patiently for the gateway to make itself passably large, Luna leveled her gaze at me. “Now Discord, I want you to think back. Remember Tirelic, do you?”

I rolled my eyes, in that I popped them out of my skull and twiddled them in my paw like marbles. “Yes. Yes I remember the place we haven’t stopped talking about for, like, a week, and the entire reason we’re here. Why do you ask?”

“So you remember why I am worried about taking my dear sister into this morbid crossroads of a dimension? The really big, really obvious reason that this is a horrible idea?” The gaping maw in the earth grew as she talked, but for now I was more focused on her words than the hole to hell at my feet.

“...Yes?” I wasn’t sure I would like where she was going with this. Celestia looked back and forth between the two of us impatiently, but didn’t seem to find a place to fit a word in edgewise.

“So, keeping all of that in mind, I want you to think. What possible reason could I have for only being concerned about her well being? Why am I not worried about my own? Think very hard, Discord. It’s a very obvious answer. It’s big, it’s bright, and it’s something I’m very, very good with.” Something crossed her face while she elaborated, a smirk I hadn’t seen in several years.

Then, of course, it all came flooding back to me: the sky. Oh, sweet merciful mother of me, the sky. I could already feel a distinct lack of fun in my future. “You, my princess, are just being mean.” I fitted my eyes back in their sockets, taking care to put them back on the wrong sides.

Luna stared down into the maw of the earth as it finished its grand expansion with an ominous, resounding gong. Presumably for special effect. “As long as we’re on the same page, Discord. Now, please try to keep yourself out of trouble on the way there, lest I think of something mightily unpleasant to do to your anatomy once we arrive.” She marched ahead, her sister following behind, wearing what I could only interpret as a confused smile.

“...So you did hide my other tooth!” I shouted, holding my arm up as I followed close behind. After all these years, it finally made sense now. “Where’d you put it? I’ve been looking for it for centuries!”

“Hush,” Luna said simply. We’d gotten far enough into the Hellmouth that I could safely say we were within Tartarus’s borders

The sight was unmistakable. Beyond the hollow, bone-ridden cavern of the entrance, there sat the obvious things to look for once arriving in Tartarus: the gate, and the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper of course being a huge freakin’ dog with three heads, but I digress. The gate itself was really the more intimidating force. Most ponies are under the assumption that Cerberus is there to guard the gates of Tartarus from intrusion. A more educated soul would know the truth: he doesn’t care what gets in. He’s only there to make sure nothing gets out. Getting in was easy. You either died, or you went through the gates.

Massive doors of an unknowable metal, the gates to Tartarus stood higher than any mortal or beast ever imagined, and were thicker than the length of any blade or weapon. Crafted in cold calculation against any and all forms of intrusion, or, more likely, extrusion, the solid mass of metal and incantation was nothing short of a bleak miracle born of a malevolent god’s will. Intricate carvings along the surface threatened to stretch on and into themselves forever, in patterns that could never be fully traced, or understood, lest the poor soul ignorant enough to try go mad in the attempt to understand the language of the gods. Only a handful of markings across the door’s edges were at all coherent.

Many think, incorrectly, that the words above the door read “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” It’s actually a mistranslation, partly because I felt particularly ornery at the time. In truth, it reads: “Ye who enter here, be abandoned, for there never was hope for thee.” I never was that good in language class anyhow.

I tore my mismatched eyes away from the intimidating mass of black metal casting in the great stone wall, and returned my attentions to the royal sisters. It was obvious to me that they had spent a bit more time at the entrance than I had, as Celestia brought out what could only be the biggest dog treat ever crafted by pony kind to offer the great big pile of dog at the front door, and Luna had taken to setting up the mirror off to the side.

While Cerberus was gobbling his treat, he stared at me with his triple gaze, slobber running down his fangs. We had a history, you see. Not the best one. That dog never did like me after I… well, you know. I bet he was dying to drag me back into that pit. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

“Tell your boss I said ‘yo,’” I said to the mythical mutt with a quick salute. Only best to pay respects to the big boss himself. Cerberus responded by growling. Well, at least one of his heads did. The other two were too busy tearing apart the treat. Which brought back a host of… unpleasant memories. Staring off to the side at Luna, I shouted, “Hurry up with that mirror already!”

She seemed to ignore me, poking certain points of the frame with her horn, until the surface of the mirror shone white. In a moment, the glow was gone, replaced with the image of a rather familiar face. A light furred, diminutive creature, akin to a fox with a few too many tails and a flatter than normal face, sat in the glass. She licked her paw absentmindedly, before opening one curious eye to look out at us all. Straightening herself out, and arching her back in a stretch, she mewled, “Well, well. They always do come back.”

Oh dang. Her. In hindsight, I really should’ve mentioned to Luna about that run in with the Mirror Sisters I had a while back. Which didn’t end so well for me…

“Can it with the snark!” I hissed, glancing over my shoulder. Cerberus was getting antsy. I also heard some distant chuckling as well. I couldn’t see far past the gates, but I knew who was on the other side. That guy should really pay for better lighting some time. “We need a way in!”

The spritely creature in the mirror looked over Luna’s shoulder, and scowled prettily. “Oh. You brought him. And… is that?” Her eyes shot up as she recognized Celestia, and she turned her attentions to the younger sister. “Are you crazy?! She can’t come in here! I thought you were the sensible one! And… where the hell is your armor?”

Luna sighed, and tapped the glass gently. “Listen, Sister Myr. We need a way in. We’re kind of sitting at the entrance to Tartarus with the Mirror Portal, and Cerberus kind of has a taste for Discord’s flesh already. Something about a lost tooth making its way into his kibble.”

“So that’s what you did with it!” I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Luna.

Celestia groaned and shook her head mildly. “Listen, I have no patience for dealing with who you think important or sensible, spirit. I require entrance into Tirelic. If you do not grant me it, I shall search for some other way to enter myself.” The low growl from Cerberus directly behind them, followed by even more insidious chuckling from beyond the gates, made all of our spines shiver. “We need an answer post haste, if you don’t mind.”

Sister Myr looked about at the motley crew of divine beings, and huffed, pouting. She leveled one last glance at Luna before disappearing and making room for us to enter. “Somebody better rub the bejeesus outta my tummy for this,” her voice echoed as we all followed her in.

“You can do it with my dismembered spine,” I muttered, taking another glance back. My last sight before entering the ruins of the universe, of course, had to be the gates lead to the land of the most wicked of souls. “Well, at least this time I’m on the other side of them,” I said, following the group through the portal.

Author's Note

Daemon: This is going to be GREAT! I can’t wait for the next chapter.

Bob: Whoa, cool your jets Tony the Tiger. Just trust in my spectacular writing abilities and astute power of the written word, along with booze, and we’ll get this shindig kicking off and popping bottles the right way.

Daemon: I have no idea what any of that last sentence was supposed to be. But I’m pretty sure, if we asked ANY of your editors, including ME, we’d all tell you that your command of the written word is prone to insubordination on all fronts.

Bob: So I’m like France’s military?

Daemon: More like an inexperienced babysitter in the Manson household.

Bob: Now that’s just terrible. But that’s also why I love you, you adorable little psychotic rascal you!

Daemon: Yes, yes, plenty of homo to go around. I get it. Also, for those of you who have like, no attention span, this chapter was directed by Bob, as I drove backseat Luna. We’re gonna trade off, you see, until this puppy is done.

Bob: Like tag team wrestling, except with more tears and blood.

Daemon: ...Something like that. Now, onwards and upwards! AWAYYYY!

Bob: Suck it, Buzz Lightyear, I’m going to INFINITY AND BEYOND THE BEYOND!

Daemon: Bob, take your meds.

Chapter 3: Behind the Moon and On the Other Side of the Rain

The trip through the mirror was not what I had been expecting it to be. When last I heard it described it was like stepping through a rather assertive doorway. Of course, the last time I’d heard of anypony using the mirror it turned them into a rather strange variation of human. This time, however, was nothing like the story I’d heard.

Falling through the mirror was much like being thrown out of the sky, along with being made to swim. There was the definitive sense of falling that one so commonly associates with being rather high up very suddenly for no apparent reason and no way to stay there. In spite of that, however, we were able to move… somewhat freely. I could drift back and forth as I pleased, while we made our journey.

Although Sister Myr advised us very strongly not to do so. “This isn’t exactly an A to B mode of transport. Don’t drift too far or you’ll never know where you’ll find yourself. Or what will find you.”

I felt it wise to heed her words, and simply made every attempt to… aim myself along the same trajectory the fox sister followed. Discord, of course, seemed to float in and out of my vision like a feather on the breeze. And, of course, he actually seemed to be swimming. I believe this is the closest thing to relaxed he gets.

“Ah, nothing like a gentle dip into an interdimensional portal that’s ripping a hole through the very fabrics of spacetime,” Discord reflected, back stroking lazily to my position. Stretching out with a bored yawn, he began to swim directly around me, his control over his movements much more skilled and controlled than my own. “So, Lulu, you seem to be handling this rather well. Though I guess you get used to zero gravity if you’re queen of the moon and all that shebang.”

Before I could get a retort in, Sister Myr appeared above Discord’s head. “What are you talking about? Holes in spacetime?” She giggled in that mischievous manner all foxes seem to possess for one reason or another. “Fool, this space has always been here. You didn’t think the dimensions were stacked on top of each other like sardines in the grand design, did you? This is the space between worlds. From one mirror to the next, there has always been distance between the realms. This is where I live. Think about that the next time you flex in front of a mirror, ‘Sex Bomb.’” She giggled again, and flew off.

“Huh, and here I thought the dimensions were stacked like pancakes,” Discord muttered to himself, slowly tugging at his beard. “Though that whackjob coming from a place like this makes more sense now.”

I raised an eyebrow at Discord. “Sex Bomb?”

Discord shrugged, smiling wryly at me with that devious glint in his mismatched eyes. “Well, if you’re really interested in learning how I acquired that nickname, then…”

I returned his smile. “It must have been something extremely recent, then. Last time I heard you were calling yourself ‘Mountain Man.’”

Celestia, who – in all honesty – I had forgotten about entirely, floated behind me, coughing loudly. “Is it possible for us to return the conversation to something that doesn’t require steel wool for my mind’s eye?” she asked flatly. Not waiting for an answer, she turned to address Sister Myr. “Little one, how is it that you can live in this space? There is no food, no water. I’m not even sure how we are breathing.”

“Magic,” Discord suggested with a grin, though we were wise enough to not take that answer seriously.

Myr just looked back over her shoulder. “...You know, I take back what I said earlier. You really need to see Tirelic. There’s just so much about the universe you don’t know, child. I, for example, do not partake of food and drink like you mere candles in the wind. I consume all of the potential between the worlds that I see fit. Entire realms of possibility brought forth with a single notion of chance. You, of course, have heard of the theory that each and every decision creates multiple dimensions, hmm? One for each possible outcome? Well, I enjoy the rare delicacy of freshly minted realities. Entire worlds born out of a single decision without having the proper time to form. It is true that there are an infinite number of possibilities. But not all of them come true. My sisters and I see to that.”

It looked for all the world that someone had taken a brick across my sister’s face. “Child? Do you have any idea how old I am? What are you, then, that we are ‘candles in the wind’ to you?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh great, here she goes now.”

Sister Myr disappeared from my vision, and reformed inches from Celestia’s face. “I am but a sliver of existence in the sphere of reality. I have lived longer than most worlds. Your dimension is not new, nor is it old. And I have outlived your world by ages you cannot and could not comprehend. I watched through the reflections in the lakes as the first primordials crawled from the depths of your oceans. I observed through the sheen in the dew drops of the grass as the first ponies took steps. My sisters and I have watched from every shiny surface, every reflection, for longer than you have been alive. Exponentially longer. I have seen and heard things that would destroy the entire foundation of your culture and rule, Celestia. I would advise you hold your tongue, lest a Sister less benevolent than I hear something they shouldn’t from somepony who doesn’t know any better.”

Myr disappeared after that, leaving us to fall on our own. I can only imagine what was going through my sister’s mind at the time. Discord, however…

“You know what I hate about a know-it-all?” Discord asked us, zipping by in a loop-de-loop form of swimming. “They always have to get the last word in.”

I nodded, as least somewhat in agreement. Celestia looked both appalled and contemplative. I could tell there was much more she wanted to say, but with nopony to address, she remained quiet while we finished our journey. Which ended much faster than I thought, in fact.

One moment I’m floating through the aether between realms, watching my normally very composed sister brood quietly. The next, we’re not in the mirror anymore.

I become very suddenly aware of hardwood floor beneath my hooves, as my orientation and perception change drastically. I had expected to fall through some kind of hole and tumbled to the ground. Not the sudden change in locale. It took me a few moments to gain my bearings, during which I could swear I heard snickering behind me. Once I had composed myself, I turned around to see where we had come from, and saw what was basically the exact same mirror we had traveled through, propped up against a dusty wall comprised of wooden paneling and loose nails. The mirror itself was different, in that it seemed to be a well-worn, dilapidated version of the one we left behind in Tartarus. Seeing no reason to continue inspecting the looking glass, I turned my attention to my travel companions.

Discord was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, still sniggering like a child who knows a nefarious secret. Of course, I expected the trip to be a casual affair for one such as himself. Though of what he was so giddy about I had no idea, until I glanced in the direction his eyes were staring at.

“So, Lulu, how do you like the digs on your sis?” he asked as I turned around. Celestia was standing before us, having knocked over a mannequin in her transition into this world. And unfortunately for her, she was draped in the remnants of its moth eaten remains. “Looking classy, Tia. Going for that old-timey look I see.”

Making an attempt to regain her composure, she utilized her telekinesis in lifting the thing off of her. She shook her mane gracefully, and walked away without a word, as she started to explore the room we had landed in.

Of course, in doing so, I saw something in her. Something I most likely would not have caught if I hadn’t been looking for it. Effort. It had been actual work to move the mannequin any distance for her. I traded a silent glance with Discord, who I knew had seen the same thing. He smiled wider.

She simply ignored it, and any chance we might have noticed, however, as she poked about curiously amongst all of the odds and ends. It was then that I noticed where we were. Or most likely had landed. It appeared to be the basement of an antique store, dusty and unused, lined with row after row of heavily stocked and poorly organized shelves of knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and assorted odds and ends. I looked about myself cautiously.

Antique shops are never a safe place.

“What, pray tell, is any of this supposed to be?” I heard Celestia ask nopony in particular as she wandered about. I followed the sound of her voice, and rounded a corner, just as she was picking up a rather small candleholder. I took a second to scrutinize the relic. And another second to rush forward and wrest it from my sister’s hooves, placing it back on the shelf as far away as possible.

“Don’t touch that!” I barked. Her response, aside from obvious shock, was to level a rather disapproving glare at me.

“What has gotten into you, sister?” she asked accusingly.

I pointed a hoof at the item in question: a small black candle wrapped in the grip of a severed monkey’s forepaw. “That. Is not something to be picked up and idly manhandled, sister. It is a dangerous and powerful item that only the most daring and possibly insane dare use. This entire dimension is full of such objects of power, along with a variety of other rather nasty and unpredictable odds and ends. This,” I added, waving my hoof about the room, “is the basement of an antiques shop. One of the most deceitfully distressful places a world such as this can produce.”

My sister looked at me like I had lost my mind. In return, I gave her a look she knew very well, having used it on me on multiple occasions: that of a disapproving matron. We stared at each other for a tense moment. FInally, I broke away, sighing heavily. “Look, sister, you are completely new to these environs. I can understand your curiosity, especially given your motivation for coming here. But please believe me when I say it is in your best interest to let us guide you, to trust me when I say something is dangerous, and to keep your hooves to yourself. You have no rule here, remember that. This entire world is full of fallen kings and misplaced matriarchs from any and all walks of life. You and I are nothing special here. And this world will take every opportunity to remind us of that.”

Discord reached out for the candlestick wrapped with the dismembered monkey appendage. Rubbing the small fingers of the paw in an almost loving manner, Discord muttered, “Ah, poor Mister Bananas. All he wanted to do was play the piano. And now all he’ll be playing are the organs of death in the netherworld.” Shrugging, Discord threw the candlestick over his shoulder, where it promptly crashed against the back wall. An animalistic howl could be heard from the fallen candlestick for a few seconds. “Oh well, accidents happen. Or rather, selling your soul to an Old One. Always did tell him it wasn’t worth the five bits, but eh, he never was the smartest ape in the banana tree. Or was it coconut tree…?”

Every inch of me flinched horribly as the magical artifact crashed into the wooden paneling. The monkey’s howl echoed in my ears, before I trotted over and picked it up. Placing it on a very high shelf with my magic, I shuddered as I could feel its taint through my aura. I scanned the rest of the room, scrutinizing individual pieces and shying away from the implications of so much magical potential in such a small space. Discord was glancing at the relics with mild interest, almost as if he was window shopping.

My sister seemed to have been lost in thought for a few moments, before finally addressing me. “Luna… I’m sorry. I know you are trying to protect me, as I have put you in a position most uncomfortable and potentially dangerous. I won’t lie, I know nothing of this place, and – if I am to believe what you have told me – I am in need of some kind of… guide through these lands. So for now I shall trust your judgement. Lead the way.”

I decided to forego commenting on her use of the phrase “For now,” and instead focus on the fact that she had decided not to go poking around a magical nuke factory. My time spent revelling in my small victory was brief, however, as I heard heavy footsteps from the corner of the room, followed by the opening and closing of a large wooden door.

There was faint grumbling coming from the aisles. “Bloody busybodies raiding my shop and trying to walk away with all my stuff. Should just plant landmines every five feet or something, that’d learn ‘em. WHO’S DOWN THERE?!” the voice yelled.

“Your mother!” Discord called back, snickering in his usual mischievous manner. Celestia and my own glares had no effect on ending his giggling fit.

The voice stopped for a moment, as did the footsteps. “Oh, god-dammit. Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.” The footsteps drew closer, and a grimy old man stepped out from behind a shelving unit. “Oh, dammit, it is. Hello, Discord. What are you doing in my basement this time?”

“Oh, you know, the usual,” Discord replied, leaning on his hand against the wall while pointing to the two of us. “Traveling across dimensions, escorting prissy pony princesses to one of the most dangerous planes of existence in the multiverse, getting a few groceries on the way. Maybe milk, if I forgot to stock up at home.” Humming under his breath, Discord appeared to be mulling over his thoughts for a moment. “Oh, and catch up with a few friends and/or enemies along the way. So, Al, how’s the shopkeeping and illegal smuggling trade going for ya?”

‘Al’, the old shopkeeper, propped himself up on his walking cane. “Not bad. Of course, it’s not illegal here… technically. It’s just rude.”

“Also one for proper mannerism, I see.” Discord winked at the gnarly old man. Turning to Celestia, Discord sweeped his paw in Al’s direction. “Oh yeah, I forgot proper introductions. Al, this is Celestia, butt princess of ponyland! Celestia, this is Al. He’s related to the animal’s dismembered paw that was holding that candlestick you almost misused and would’ve caused all our demises by.”

Celestia looked so taken aback I thought she was walking backwards. “Is that… are you a human?” she asked quietly. “I didn’t think they looked... well… I don’t know what I thought you’d look like. I can guess from your shape that you’re much like what my protege described you as, but… there’s something rather different about you.”

Al shrugged, nonplussed. “Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting ponies and snake-things to wander into my basement and start walking around all willy-nilly. How’d you get in here, anyway?” he asked Discord. He seemed to be ignoring me.

“Sneaked in the backway,” Discord replied, pointing with a thumb at the mirror behind us. “Surprised the foxy sista didn’t claw my face off after our last encounter, but I think that’s because they have a sweet spot for little Woona here.” Discord grabbed at my cheeks and pushed them together so that my lips puckered up. “And hey, Al, check here how much Woona’s grown! Remember when she was just the cutest little almost-tyrant? Now she’s all grown up!” Discord wiped a fake tear from his eye. “They grow up so fast…”

Al seemed to do a double take at that point. “Wai—Nightmare Moon?! What happened to you?”

I smiled at him. “It’s a long story. But it’s good to see you again. I’m glad the shop is still open. But please stop leaving such powerful items lying around.”

“Oh hey, there’s that sign!” Discord said, pointing to a sign centered above the shelves with the clear black ink spelling out the words ‘DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, DISCORD!’ on its surface. “Ha, you actually believed I’d listen to that! Pfft!”

I chuckled slightly. It was good to have a familiar face as the first person we saw. I looked behind him to see the way he had come. “Is there any chance you could show us the way out? My sister here wants to see the city.”

Al looked about the three of us, and nodded. “Sure. Anything to get him the hell out of my shop.”

“Oh Al, you wound me. Strike down my heart with your hateful words. Burn my soul with your condescending nature.” Discord sighed with an overly dramatic manner and held a paw to his forehead. “And here I thought we were friends. Or acquaintances. Rather, guys who tolerate the other’s presence.”

Al didn’t even look over his shoulder as he walked towards the door. “You’re not dead yet, are you?”

Neither Celestia nor I seemed to think there was any such proper response to such a claim, so we followed the old man up the stairs.

The main floor of the shop looked much like the basement, except slightly more decorative. I also noticed the items marked as for sale were significantly less dangerous and powerful than his private stores. Each shelf seemed to be arranged with slightly more care than the downstairs, if only because Al was, in fact, a store owner, and did need to make a sale every now and then.

The room still looked a mess from every angle. Even if it was slightly more organized. Almost as if Discord himself had been responsible for its layout. “Thank you, Al. It is good to see you again.”

The old man nodded, but didn’t seem to return the sentiment. He was still eyeing Discord, who had taken to meandering the stuff for sale. Part of me wanted to remind him that we didn’t exactly have money, but I knew Al well enough to know he could take care of him and his just fine.

Celestia also seemed to be eyeing the shop carefully, as if expecting something familiar to spring forth from a bargain bin or some sense of home to come flooding in from a display case. I could tell she felt much like I had when I’d first arrived: alienated and lost. No sense of direction and no signs of home. Everything in Tirelic was so far removed from the normals of Equestrian society that it made me wonder, time and time again, if we weren’t the strange ones.

I stepped lightly up to my sister, and nudged her shoulder. “Tia, are you well?”

She looked startled for a moment, then sighed as her gaze fell upon a small set of dice in a red velvet case. “There is… so much that I assumed about this place, Lulu. That it would be a place full of ponies, much like home. That I would be able to take one look at it and see for myself what kind of hell it could be. But look at me. We haven’t even left the shop and I still don’t know what to do with everything.” Her voice wasn’t so much that of sadness and isolation, like I’d first assumed. It seemed to hold a hint of wonder, and curiosity. The sadness was there, yes. But masked well by other things. “And a human! A human, of all creatures! First that little fox-spirit, and now… tell me, Luna, are there any ponies here? Are we truly alone?”

I didn’t get a chance to answer. Al stepped in, taking a glance at the dice Celestia had been eyeing. He closed the case gently, and gave my sister his attention. “Yes, there are. But not the kind you’re expecting. I know where you come from, Princess. All of you. I’ve spent my fair share of time with these two, and I’ve heard quite a few stories. Let me tell you, the ponies here are few and far between, and nothing like home. But they’re still ponies, deep down. You’ll see for yourself. Now, I have one question for you, if you don’t mind.”

Celestia nodded, seemingly grateful for his straightforward answer. “Yes, sir?”

He drew himself up to his full, although not substantial height, and asked loudly. “Are any of you lot actually here to buy anything?!”

“How much for this raygun?” Discord called out, holding a cheap plastic toy in his claw. It said ‘Blast Master 9000’ on the side in flaking paint, and I guessed that it was a couple of decades old. Just like everything else in this shop. What I was truly curious about is why Discord would actually want to possess such a tacky toy. I mean, sure, it was Discord, but it wasn’t like we brought any bits for the tri—

An accidental discharge from the what I assumed to be harmless toy blasted through the roof in green laser splendor, leaving a gaping, smoking hole in the ceiling. Looking down at the smoking barrel of the incredibly dangerous toy gun, Discord smiled and said, “Say Al, do I get the best friend’s discount or what?”

“OUT!”

I grumbled under my breath as the three of us marched down the street outside. “You really didn’t have to blow a hole in his shop, Discord. What if you’d started a chain reaction?”

“Like that one incident at Rainbowville?” Discord asked, staring off into the distance in a flashback of nostalgia. “Ah, I remember it well. Good times, good times. Though that angry mob and calls for skinning me alive weren’t so welcomed. I mean, seriously, have you seen my skin? Absolutely filthy! Hardly suited for the extravagant art of a tanner.”

I rolled my eyes and ignored his rantings as usual, instead looking to my sister for conversation. My words hung on my lips, however, as I noticed that she had stopped some several steps behind us, and was staring off into the distance. I backtracked enough to fall within speaking distance of her, but kept my mouth shut. Instead, I decided to look where she was looking, to see what caught her attention.

No matter how much time I spend here, and regardless of how many times I see it, the landscape of Tirelic, or, more specifically, it’s trade capitol, Mecca, never ceased to amaze me.

It was an expanse of foreign and familiar architecture blended with the raw natural structure of the earth beneath it. For miles in either direction lay expanses of grand buildings both old and new, melded into natural rock and tree formations like they themselves had grown up from them. All of the visions of the future in chrome and glass and magnificent color stood inches away and in deep contrast to the ancient wood-and-stone archetypes of homes, shops, and all manner of miscellaneous buildings. The center of Mecca was a raised hill, so that no matter what direction you came from, walking to the center, you were always on the way up. The closer you got to the core, the better the money was. People and creatures of various power sat at the center, while the outskirts were the slums and dilapidated shacks of the poor. Each and every lifestyle reflected itself in the landscape, in the streets, the windows, and doors.

But the real attraction, the great mystery and adventure of this world, were its inhabitants. Along each and every street corner, a multitude of races, a practical menagerie of population, went about its unknowable daily life without a thought or care to spend for its fellow whatever-you-were. Men of power strode through the crowds of the hungry while street peddlers stood on every corner and in front of every important building, selling basically anything anyone was willing to pay money for. You could buy anything in the Mecca, as long as the money was right and the intent was wrong. Noone had scruples for their wares. After all, the salesman doesn’t use it, and God help the poor soul who doesn’t know what he has until it’s killing him.

The sheer diversity amongst the species was something else entirely, not just of social class and status, but biologically. There was the typical fare of Equestrian natives (though we were far from Equestria now): Griffins, ponies of various tribes and some of dubious origin. Dragons, old and young. A minotaur stood guard outside a nightclub, dressed in the very best other people’s money could buy, just to let you know that the money was indeed good enough to warrant him skinning you alive should you cross him.

Of course, out of all the creatures and abominations that inhabited Tirelic, one of the strangest were the original inhabitants of the land. The ponies, or rather, the first generation of them. Differentiating from the ponies in Equestria in squatter height and build, their muzzles were fuller, their colors more tacky and generally them being seen as… off. Like they didn’t belong here. Even though these lands were originally theirs, before the incident that wiped out many of their numbers. Generally they were now seen as oddities, and often times disassociated with every other race, even being separated by their own ponykind. A sad fate for such an ancient race, that’s for sure.

But that’s where most of the similarities ended between my homeland and the world we found ourselves in now. For amongst the surprisingly sparse population of Equestrians strode humans of all sizes, some very obviously only holding on to their humanity with duct tape and glue. Not to mention the other fantastical and fanatical races: elves, dwarves, wraiths, demons, angels, abominations of all kinds. All walking together, away from each other, or just passing by as if they did this every day of their lives. Which, in fact, they did.

Celestia stood, mouth agape, staring at the world that had unfolded before her. “Dear sister,” I chuckled, gently closing her mouth with a hoof, “it is impolite to stare. And what would mother say if she saw you standing around with your mouth as open as a barn door?”

“I can imagine a few choice words,” Discord said with a bit of snark, nudging Celestia with his shoulder. Glancing around, Discord just stared at everything with a bored expression, a deep contrast to Celestia’s awe. “Sheesh, you’d expect after a year’s absence some things would change about this dump. No new coats of paint to be seen anywhere. And litter is still a rampant problem. You’d think they’d take better care of the streets, but no, the world is just everyone’s big ol’ trashbin!” Off to the side, near the street, and close to the row of buildings a brawl could be seen taking place. Apparently it was between this cross minotaur cheating out a griffon in a game of dice on the street corner, with the poor griffon now struggling for air in the minotaur’s crushing grip. Smiling widely, Discord said, “Ah, it’s good to see some things never change, am I right?”

I looked about me, and back to my sister. “This, dear Tia, is only the start. This universe is massive, expansive, and doesn’t follow any of the normal rules. In fact, there’s quite a bit of evidence here that we, as ponies, may be the exception to a few of those rules. Now come, there is a lot to see before long.”

I urged her along, herding my sister down the street before she regained some of her composure and walked about like an eager child.

I was just glad she hadn’t noticed the sky.

Author's Note

Bob: Wow, I’m actually being consistent with writing and updating this story. The hell is wrong with me?

Daemon: That would be me.

Bob: Oh yeah, you’re that guy who… who… um…

Daemon: Don’t worry, people. That’s just the chloroform wearing off.

Bob: That would explain the phallic object drawn on my face with a sharpie.

Daemon: Yeah, sorry. Someone let the Parasprite into the room. Anyway, here’s the newest chapter, you guys! Now that we’re finally in the thick of it, things are going to get really interesting really bloody fast.

Bob: I like trains.

Daemon: What? Wait! No—

Bob: ALL ABOARD THE EXPRESS TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!

Chapter 4: This Is Why We Hold Hooves When Crossing The Street

I felt that old tingling sensation. Or rather, buzzing. Maybe even fuzzy, if I can use that. Heck, it’s my sensation, so I can describe it however I want!

Anyway, it was coming back to me, like indigestion from a taco stand. I know it’s bad for me, horrible even – in fact, it was so mind numbingly awful that I was sure to be left in agony for hours upon end without a roll of toilet paper in sight. But hot damn, did it feel good on the beforehand.

Tirelic was more my homeland than Equestria ever was. Just fit me more like a glove than that oversized boot Equestria was. Though it did stink more… but you get used to the smell after a few centuries.

Taking a whiff of that putrid stench coming from a back alley we just passed, I was knocked right in the stomach with a wave of nostalgia and what felt like my lunch trying to escape my bowels.

Luna seemed to be more focused on her sister than the landscape, although, of course, she was a different pony entirely the last time she was here. The night princess made it a point to keep Celestia distracted by pointing out some of the more appropriate establishments.

It always was like Luna to protect her sister. Usually you’d think it’d be the other way around, what with Celestia being the eldest, but then there’s the factor of the kingdoms they ruled. If you didn’t already know, bad things and the creepy crawlies usually come out at night. Luna, of course, had to deal with these horrors and other abominations of mind-wrenching terror just as she took up the job as Princess of the Night, while Celestia got to sit back and bask in her own sun’s rays. So in the end, I would always hold Luna to have more of a backbone than Celestia if ever the time comes to prove it. Hopefully not on this trip, since showing your backbone in Tirelic often times meant having it removed in some really painful and humorous way – or, at least, humorous to the dismemberer.

Tapping Luna on the shoulder with my tail, I leaned in close and asked, “So, are you going to mention the horrid implication in the room, or should I? Though I guess this drawing out thing you’re doing to your poor, dear sister is also great fun!”

Luna sighed. “She’s going to notice eventually. We might as well let her have her fun. Unless, of course, that’s boring to you, seeing somepony else happy,” she added with a sarcastic tone.

“Oh no, I aim to make others happy. Comes with being a freelance Spirit of Chaos and whatnot.” I smiled wryly, noticing Celestia gazing intently at a storefront window. Specifically, a butcher’s shop. Every brand of meat, both livestock and more exotic breeds, were hung up to show to the passerbies. I was willing to bet that some of that meat hanging by a hook from a ceiling used to be one of the passerbies. And, of course, Celestia turned green from looking at it for just a moment. Like I said, weak stomach. “Though she isn’t having much fun, if you didn’t already notice. Maybe we can liven up her experience of Tirelic a bit, if you know what I’m saying.” To make the point extra crispy clear, I wiggled my eyebrows.

Luna rolled her eyes, but shied away from the meat shop a little, as well. They did have some horse meat on display, after all. Looking around for something less likely to try to kill them while they shopped, her eyes landed on a small alcove of a shop at the corner of what appeared to be a small strip mall. There wasn’t so much of a front door as there was a counter to lean on and an open shop behind it, much like one would find at a food court. The name above the shop was written in a language Luna always had trouble translating, but roughly said ‘Smoothies and Stuff.’ Actually, I think that was a spot on translation. Unoriginality at its finest, folks! She directed her sister’s attention. “There, Tia! Something we can refresh ourselves with!”

Celestia glanced to where Luna was pointing to. Behind the counter stood one of the largest minotaurs either of them, and even myself, have ever seen. He had to be at least a good twelve feet in length, with most if not all his body weight packed into hard as steel muscles. He was about as intimidating as a freight train barreling at you off the tracks with no stop. An everlasting scowl permanently obscured his face, making his eyes and any other expression other than ‘peeved off’ hard to catch. How he even fit in that little alcove of a shop, I’ll never know, but at that moment he was wearing a stained apron while squeezing a lemon into a cup. Using his bare hands, mind you. He turned the fruit practically into dust when he was done with it.

“Uh… Luna, that might not be the best of ideas,” I said to her worryingly, shooting a nervous glance at the hulk of a hybrid beast. “I mean, there’s so many other shops to go to. No need to go to some boring smoothie stand, am I right?”

She didn’t seem to hear a word I said, as she had noticed the alcove’s occupant as soon as I had. I swear, they must have just built the thing around him. Trotting up to the counter, slowly and majestically, she leaned on the wooden plank, and batted her eyes at him. ’Oh Mother of Me, not this again.’

Giving the minotaur a slight wink and smile, she crooned, “Hello, mister. Do you mind helping a couple of lost, lonely, parched mares quench their thirst?”

Why that sly, little… ugh, she was doing this just to irk me! And it was working! I really needed to learn how she managed to do it. Indirect manipulation wasn’t my strongest suit.

“Sure thing,” the minotaur grunted to her. He had to lean his head down just to look at her, with his two enormous horns leaning so much I was surprised he didn’t tip over from their weight alone. Picking up a menu in his meaty paw, he handed it to Luna and Celestia and asked, “What will you ladies be having?”

Celestia glanced at her menu, though her eyes kept on drawing back to the towering mass of muscle and grit that was her server. I wisely stood away from the barely civilized barbarian for reasons most relevant to my health. “I’ll, um, have the…” Celestia looked to her sister, “Lulu, what do you think is the most appropriate drink here to enjoy? I’ve never quite been out on the town before, even in Canterlot, so I am unused to such processes.”

Luna didn’t seem to hear her at first, as she was too busy over-analyzing (blatantly staring at) the minotaur’s muscle structure. “What? Oh! Yes, um… well, smoothies are typically made of fruit or similar products, so… what is your favorite fruit, Celestia?”

Oh damn. No, I couldn’t. Must resist the temptation. That overbearing feeling came over me again. My palms became sweaty. My spine was tingling so much I thought it would leap out of my back. Sweat poured like bullets from my brow at the overwhelming temptation grew more and more, building into tsunami sizes that threatened to drown me in a flood of desire.

I had to crack a joke!

“Bananas!” I shouted, springing upon the pair and laughing my head off. In Equestria, I could literally have done that, but I didn’t want to risk such an amusing stunt in a place like Tirelic. Heads tend to stay beheaded here. In the meantime, I was pointing and chuckle with all my might at Celestia’s reddening face, rolling on the ground as the giggles fits just wouldn’t stop.

Before either Luna or Celestia could reply to my over the top rude mannerism, the minotaur finally noticed me. “Discord?” he asked, voice as grumbly as a mountain.

Ah yes, hindsight. You’ve come knocking at my door yet again.

Quickly springing to my feet, all traces of mirth from my body vanished in an instant. “H-hey there, Chuck! How’s business treating ya? It sure has been a while, hasn’t it?”

The minotaur crossed his arms, bulging biceps so large that they dwarfed any obese fat kid. “One year, in fact. I was wondering where you had run off to.”

“Run off to? Why… nowhere, of course! Nowhere at all!” I was drawing straws now. And they weren’t crazy straws either. They were bendy, and if I didn’t do something soon, Chuck was going to make me resemble one. Grabbing ahold of Luna and Celestia’s shoulders, I held them together in a group hug that also served for excellent meated shields against Chuck. “I was just hanging with Luna, like usual. And hey, we got her sister here too! Giving her a tour of the city and whatnot, so I thought to myself, ‘let’s go to Chuck’s smoothie stand, because he makes the best smoothies in all of Tirelic,’ which is the straight up truth, Chuck! And so now we’re, uh… here.”

Luna looked from me to the minotaur and back, and her eyes widened in recognition. “Oh!” she cried, pulling free of my grip and leaning over the counter once more. “You’re that Chuck? I’ve heard… stories, about you,” she said with a smirk. I swear she’d be drooling right now if she were any less of a—no, no, there’s the drool.

“Yeah,” Chuck replied, lifting up both of his gigantic fists. Giving each of his knuckles a slow and quite painfully loud crack, he continued to glare at me from under his brow. “I have a reputation.”

“A reputation for a fine drinking establishment such as this, of course!” I hastily replied, dragging Celestia away while grabbing ahold of Luna’s foreleg with my tail. “But as you can see, we’re awfully busy and need to run a few errands as well. Sorry we can’t enjoy any of your delicious smoothies, Chuckie ol’ sport, but we’ll be sure to hit you up eventually. Come on, ladies, let us depart!”

Unfortunately for me, neither Celestia nor Luna were conveying the message I was laying down. Celestia wiggled herself out of my paws and returned to her sister’s side. “Luna, what is wrong with Discord’s strange behavior?” Celestia asked, throwing me a curious gaze. “It is unlike him to be so nervous… and twitchy. Along with fearful as well. Has he taken ill?”

Luna looked from Celestia, to me, to Chuck (a little longer than either I or her sister, mind you), back to Celestia, and smiled. “This, Tia,” she said, gesturing between myself and Huge McHandsome, “is the relationship of one who is owed money,” she gestured back to Chuck, “and one who owes.” She flopped a carefree hoof at me, as if to signify how little she cared about my own personal issues.

“Gotta admit, Discord, I was a bit surprised to learn you hightailed it outta town the moment I lent you all that dough,” Chuck said. He was opening and closing his hands, probably already imagining with some type of sick glee at closing them around my neck. Damnit, why did my neck have to be so long and chokable? “Made me a little mad, if you’re catchin’ my drift.”

“I-I was going to pay you back right away, Chuck, I swear!” I replied back, moving with careful intent backwards. Scooting out of a dangerous situation like this was the best option in my book. And the only one that’d leave me with a still working trachea. “But… but… I had to go back! I had no choice! So it isn’t really my fault, right Luna?” I asked her, practically begging for some assistance at this point.

Luna looked between the wall of muscle and myself, seemingly contemplating her advantage in this scenario.Gratefully, she sighed, and nodded. “It’s true, Chuck. He was somewhat forcibly summoned back and forth between Equestria and here a few times. One of the disadvantages to our few-and-far-between methods of travel.”

Wow, she really does care. As surprising as that may seem. Looking back up to Chuck, I silently prayed to Lady Luck that he wouldn’t skin me alive. I also silently reminded Lady Luck who was the one who fixed her plumbing.

Chuck grunted, which was practically half his vocabulary. “Don’t care. Now that you’re here, I want my money back. Got it?”

“Why, of course I’ll have it back!” I said, nodding my head so much I was sure my neck would snap.

“With ten percent interest as well.”

“T-ten percent!” I shouted, completely flabbergasted at such an outrageous claim. “Not even those grumby dragons would charge that much!” Yeah, I was using racist stereotypes, but so what? We all knew it was true! Sheesh, stop trying to be so politically correct, people.

Luna glared at the minotaur like he’d just called her fat. “Ten percent? You overbearing, capitalist, egomaniacal charlatan! You and I are both well aware the average interest rate per capita is no more than five! Taking into account a year’s accruement…” and she was off, people. Launching into a tirade of financially epic proportions, it seemed she was bound and determined to show the minotaur the error of his ways through sheer numbers.

Chuck, for the most part, seemed unimpressed. Save for the small bead of sweat rolling down his cheek, he was immaculately composed, as usual. Which was boring. “Lady, it’s my business what I do with my money and my interest rates. I don’t got time for some fancy-shmancy market rate bullshit. Now scoot along, doll.”

Uh-oh… I unconsciously took a step back, as did Celestia. Very few ponies used such language around the Princess of the Night without repercussion.

“Doll?!” she growled, leaning onto the counter and standing on the wooden plank with her forehooves. “Perhaps you have forgotten where we are, and who exactly it is I am.” Her eyes glowed that infamous blank white of a spellcaster ready to unload on some poor schmuck.

And all of a sudden, Chuck seemed to remember. He wasn’t the sharpest battle axe in the weapon rack, but he wasn’t too dull to not cut off an enemy’s head after a few swings. Whether or not it was the sheer force of energy radiating off of Luna, or the fact that, looking up at such an angle, he could see the sky behind her, I couldn’t say. But he seemed to decide right then and there her logic was perfectly acceptable and rational. “Right, well then. Five percent it—”

“Four.” Her voice was steady and forceful like a hammer striking the air.

“Four! Right! Four percent interest!” he agreed, rather loudly.

And all at once, Luna calmed down. She climbed off of the counter and trotted back to me. “Now pay the nice minotaur, Discord.”

“Uh… yes… about that…” I dug into my specially made pocket dimension and draw out a couple of dust bunnies—the live variety that ate lint, mind you—and a piece of string. “I’m kind of short right now.”

Luna looked from me to Chuck and back again, a habit she seems to have developed over the last few days, and sighed. “And what, pray tell, did you spend all of that money on?”

I drew out the cheesy toy we saw from Al’s shop from before. “Don’t worry, I left the mulla on his counter before I left. I thought a raygun would be useful, you know.”

All three of them stared at me with wide eyes—I was only guessing with Chuck, since no one was ever able to see his eyes from how much he scowled. I looked from them to the gun I was toting around in my claw, and asked, “Why are you guys staring at me like that?”

“Discord, please, please tell me you have the safety activated on that device,” Celestia asked in a begging tone.

I inspected the cheap plastic, gimmicky toy. “This thing has a safety?”

Luna shrunk away from the device, in fact going so far as to jump to the other side of the counter to hide from it. Whether or not that was for fear of the… what the hell is this thing called again? Whatever. Pretty sure she just wanted to get closer to Chuck.

“Oh, come on you guys! I think I’m responsible enough to handle at least one weapon of instant incineration without too much trouble, okay.” I mean, seriously, I could be trusted, right? Well, not for running a kingdom. Or throwing parties. I even had trouble with a bar mitzvah once. That poor child never did get to walk again either…

“Discord, I think it would be wise for you and everyone else if you deposited that weapon immediately,” Celestia said, with just the edge of a commanding voice behind her statement.

“Hey, I can handle myself just fine with weapons of mass destruction, so I think I can tote this firearm around with no problem at all. Right, Luna?” She knew me better than Celestia herself, so of course she knew how much of a responsible and caretaking adult I can be. Without a doubt.

“If you don’t forfeit that laser gun right now I’ll tell my sister where you hid her teddy. For a thousand and three years,” she added menacingly

“... You wouldn’t dare.” I knew Luna. You get to learn more about someone than you’d have ever thought after a thousand years of travel. I also knew that she would, of course, dare. But I had to keep what little dignity I had, you see.

“Mr. Fluffybottoms?” Celestia asked, turning her gaze slowly towards me. Metaphorically it was like an iceberg crashing straight into my noggin. Physically I felt frostbite touch upon my fingers and toes.

“It’s a lie, I swear!” I replied, pointing an accusing finger at Luna. “She was the one who stole Mr. Fluffybottoms, not me! She is ruining my partially good name with her inconceivable accusations upon my character along with slander of the highest of proportions!”

“Discord,” Celestia said slowly, each syllable of my name being drawn out, slow and calculating. “If you don’t tell me what happened to my Mr. Fluffybottoms right now, I shall put you through a nightmarish experience unlike anything you’ve ever seen, felt, or heard about before.” I would gulp right now, but I was afraid I might upchuck the growing pool of bile in my stomach. “Now, tell me!”

“It was… eh…” At this point, I was actually hoping Chuck was pissed off at me again and was wringing my neck dry to make a Discord flavored smoothie. With a little umbrella on top as well. Anything but this torture would do! “Unfortunately for all of us, Mr. Fluffybottoms was taken too soon by the maw of a sharkgator. He will be dearly missed.”

Everything in the immediate area seemed to be stuck in time. No one moved, no one talked, and it was as if the universe was leaning in to catch whatever was about to be said next.

Celestia was perfectly still, her eyes like the hard crust of a diamond as she stared at me. No emotion was behind that glare, which scared me the most. Irked Celestia I loved, angry Celestia I found a hoot, and even on the rare occasion of ‘hot damn, she’s pissed off’ Celestia I always got a chuckle out of. But a Celestia whose mood I couldn’t even read… now that was scary.

“Uh… Luna, is Celestia going to be okay?” I asked, quickly ducking behind Luna’s back. In all my years of combat experience, I knew living shields were best for situations where the other person wanted to strangle the stuffing out of you, then shove said stuffing right back down your throat.

Of course, I had forgotten one rather important factor: Luna made it a point never to get between her sister and I when we fought. A large, bright flash blinded me as the dark blue alicorn poofed out of existence, and reappeared some feet away, leaning on the side of the store. “No, I don’t really think she will. Of course, you could always tell her exactly why the sharkgator ate Mr. Fluffybottoms. Of course, I promised I’d never tell.” Wait, was she enjoying this? That devious little—

“Yes, Discord, do tell why my most prized possession when I was a filly is in the stomach of this sharkgator creature.” I felt the hairs of my beard freeze up, icicles already forming on them. Of course, that big lug Chuck was enjoying the show, with a very rarely seen smirk on his mug.

“Yeah, about that. It’s a very simple reason, really. One I shall explain right now, no holding back or stalling whatsoever. Because that’s the type of pony… snake… griffon… goat… bat creature thingy I am, Celestia. A trusted, dependable friend I’m sure you’ve come to support and depend upon. And maybe even cherish as well. I always knew we had a special kinship that couldn’t be broken no matter what, because that’s just the type of relationship we have, Celestia, dear. One I’m sure neither of us wants to ruin, for the reason that—”

“Just tell me, Discord,” Celestia interrupted. I swear, I heard a crash of thunder in the background after she just spoke.

Coughing, I shrugged my shoulders. Stalling time is over, the truth is now up to bat. Guess I’m just going to have to strike out now. Or… bunt for my life. “Ah yes, why Mr. Fluffybottoms was eaten by a sharkgator. Interesting story behind that, actually. You see, it all started with—” I threw the raygun high up in the air, right in Chuck’s direction, “—here’s your money with interest! I’m outta here!” And with that, I hightailed it from the three as fast as my legs could carry me.

Chuck caught my weapon deftly in one hand, smiling wider. “Come back again, Discord! Always glad to have a repeat customer!” The hulking menace glanced down at Celestia and Luna and winked, though it was hard to tell, since that guy’s forehead practically shielded his eyes at all times. “Have a nice day, gals.”

Luna stared bemusedly after me as I ran for my life, while Celestia, well, she gave chase. And for some reason, I always forget, on top of being a Princess, a Sun Goddess, and a spiteful mare, there was one other thing the Princess of the Sun was known for being.

A racehorse.

You don’t cut down all those carbs from eating cakes by taking walks around the castle. Oh no, she was a speedster to the extreme. Reason why she enjoyed Wonderbolt tournaments so much. She actually started the team, being the fastest princess in the lands. She could outrun and outfly any other pony in her domain. Partly because, if you didn’t already notice, she’s much bigger than any other pony, at least in regards to leg length. I could go on and on about what else she was bigger about than the average pony, but then I’d just be a broken record. On top of that, she had a much larger wingspan that actually worked with her body size, unlike most of the pofty and small wings you see pegasi toting around.

So all things considered, I was screwed. Just wonderful.

“Luna, control your maniac of a sister!” I called out, running circles around the minimall in a vain effort to throw Celestia off. Tumbling through crowds and crashing along storefront windows, I was trying to my best efforts to avoid Celestia’s wrath the best I could. Of course, it wasn’t working, since Celestia was nearing me with each and every hooffall. Damn you karma and your vindictive and bitchy ways! “Please, I don’t want to die here of all places! The shoppers will eat my corpse!”

Luna, not wanting to miss a moment of this Benny Hill scene playing out before her, made a point to teleport to a position with a better view each time we were about to round a corner. “You can do it, Discord! Go, go, go!” she cheered.

“DISCORD!” Celestia shrieked, picking up another burst of speed from the hatred growing within her heart. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. FLUFFYBOTTOMS!”

“I have no shame!” I yelled with all my might, putting as much truth into that statement as I could.

After a few more seconds of this, and with Celestia almost literally nipping at my heels, Luna intervened. Popping in just beside us as we rounded a corner, the flash of her magic was just enough to distract us both. “Okay, sister, I fear that is enough. You’re starting to draw attention to yourself. And what did mother always say about acting the lady?”

“Hopefully something about not murdering handsome draconequii,” I stammered, before tripping and falling in a heap on the floor. Slowly picking my head up from the ground—while tugging hard to dig my tooth from the floor—I glanced behind myself at the enraged Celestia running towards me. So, this is how it ends. A bit anticlimactic, sure, but hey, at least I was going out with a bang. And with Celestia too. Wait, no… that was a bad thing. Damnit!

Luna laid a gentle hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “Celestia, just remember. If we kill him now, we can’t torture him with Twilight’s Library Corner later. Okay?”

“No! No! You can’t be that cruel!” Of course they were. Twilight’s Library Corner was downright the worst form of suffering any living creature could endure. It’s a book club Twilight started that all her friends are forced to go to. Not because they want to, but because they don’t want to hurt Twilight’s feelings. And unfortunately for me, ever since reforming, I apparently got the label of “Twilight’s Friend” as well. Let’s just say after the last meeting… I’m pretty sure being turned into a statue for reals would’ve been a better alternative.

Celestia took a breath, letting out all her air slowly but surely. Looking back at her sister, she smiled slightly. “I do suppose you’re right, Lu. Acting like this is very unroyal like indeed, and I apologize for my behavior. Besides, Discord shall get his just desserts in due time.” Celestia snickered, shooting my a devious glance. “I heard Twilight’s next novel is over four hundred pages long, in fact.”

There is no mercy in this world. None at all. “I hate you all,” I mutter, picking myself up from the ground and dusting myself off.

Luna smiled at both of us, and led the now-civilized trio down the street, to Goddesses-know-where. After a brief bout of silence, she asked me, “So, Discord, where should we go next. Or,” she paused thoughtfully, “Where shouldn’t we go next? You do seem to make a habit of angering people.”

“Yeah, about that. You remember how I was sent back here the second time due to the Elements of Harmony Twilight and her friends used on me?” I said to her. “Which, by the way, was just great. Thanks for the help and everything with that incident.”

Luna smiled over her shoulder. “Welcome. Oh, before I forget, what was it you were doing whilst we were being invaded by changelings and fighting off Sombra?”

“Oh, just the usual. Stirring up trouble, selling out Equestria to be a land of disdain and ill-repent, and listening in back to the homeland whenever I could for spying purposes. Basically what we’ve been doing for the past couple of centuries or so. Although, I kind of forget to mention something.” I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. “Something pretty important.”

Luna stopped, and turned on her heel. “What did you do?”

“Hey now, I didn’t do anything—” I argued for my defence, “—intentionally, that is.”

“What. Did you do?” she repeated.

“See, I kind of met up with Tirek again. You remember him, right?” The unamused stare pretty much answered my question right away. “Well, anyways, we caught up over tea, and I may have let slip that… Celestia was still around back on Equestria. And then I reminded him that she’s the ticket to him having total domination over the multiverses.” I shrugged my shoulders and grinned. “Funny how the mind just spurts out random pieces of information during discussion, am I right?”

Luna’s stare could only be equated to a starless, moonless sky over a forest of dead trees and dying creatures. Lifeless, cold, empty, and pretty much my fault. “Please tell me,” she said slowly, in a voice akin to the moon crashing to earth, and being just courteous enough to let you know it was coming, “that ‘tea’ actually means ‘horrible mind-numbing torture on a spiritual and metaphysical level the likes of which you’ve never experienced before?’”

“Okay, I admit it…” I sighed, looking dejectedly down at my feet. “It was over coffee. The good kind too.”

Luna looked as though she didn’t know whether to kill me or grab her sister by the collar and run screaming. “And THIS,” she barked at nopony in particular, “is why coming here was a BAD IDEA. Do you see now, Tia? ...Tia?”

I looked to where Celestia had just been standing at. Now what replaced her spot was empty air. She had vanished without a trace, noise, or even a howdy departing goodbye. Passersby milled in the street and at stalls, but none matched the snow white alicorn that had been with us only moments ago.

“Uh oh,” I said simply. There was no other way to say it, really. We had just lost Luna’s big sister in one of the most dangerous hotbeds of magic and improbable creatures in all of existence. I wonder how Luna was taking it…

“DOES THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE RUN ON PREMIUM GRADE ‘PISSING ME OFF?!’”

Not well, apparently. Well, at least this saves me the trouble of explaining my double-cross with Tirek and the most likely reason Celestia was missing in the first place.

There are bright sides to gloomy settings after all!

Author's Note

And that's all we'd ever written for it. I hope you enjoyed it!