Equestria's Last Eligible Prince

by Anonymoose

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Sex
Length: 8390

Spike's always come up short on his luck with mares. All that's about to change. Probably not for the better.

Spike's always come up short on his luck with mares. All that's about to change. Probably not for the better. Oh, and there is that whole thing with the Changeling capitulation deal, which is unlikely to affect Spike. Nope, not at all.

Primary Cast: Spike, Pleiades (she's back, baby!)
Secondary Cast: Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Chrysalis, and more.

Set about ten years after the end of Season 4.

Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, where very little past season 4 will be referenced, and the changeling changes with Thorax and friends are retconned to hell!

Update: Dark tag added for some of the humor.

Published 2018-09-09 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-20 15:43:08 UTC

Chapter One

Spike waited on bended knee, for the answer he desperately wanted to hear.

The mare sitting across the table from him, sadly, did not look like she was going to give it to him. “I’m... sorry, Spike,” Rarity replied, “It’s… that’s, uhhh, not the sort of relationship we have.”

“Not… not the kind of relationship we have?” Spike asked, still kneeling before her, frozen, diamond ring box in claw. “I… what do you mean?”

“Oh, Spikey,” Rarity tittered. “Spikey-wikey, we’re just friends, you know that.”

“Just… friends?”

By this time, other ponies had stopped eating their food and had started surreptitiously looking on. Rarity gave a polite cough.

“Yes, Spikey, just friends,” she said quietly, lifting her chin to look at him directly in the eye. “I treasure you dearly, but you have to know that… surely you have to know what we have is just friendship.”

“Just… friendship?” Spike sneered, his voice rising. “Just friendship?”

By now, most of the ponies in the restaurant, kitchen and waitstaff included, had forgone all decorum and had stared on, slack-jawed, at the trainwreck that was about about to happen. Rarity started to sweat under the intense gazes her fellow ponies were levelling their way.

“Spikey, sweetie, let’s not make a scene,” she giggled nervously. “We don’t want to interrupt the meal of any of these fine ponies, do we.”

“To hell with these ponies,” Spike yelled. “What do you mean ‘what we have is just friendship’?”

“Exactly that,” Rarity snapped, her own anger boiling over. “I’m sorry if you thought it was anything else, and I did not mean to lead you on, but it is the truth. We. Are. Just. Friends.”

“Then why have we been fucking for the past six months‽”

Rarity responded with a very feminine “gzrk”, as silence echoed after Spike’s very loud outburst.

“Hah! Told yah!” Applejack shouted from another table. “That’s fifty bits yah owe me, Dash!”

Rarity took a deep quaff of cabernet from her wine glass. At least, she told herself it was a quaff, rather than a guzzle… and technically the bottle is made of glass, and holds wine. So yes, she was able to convince herself that it was a very ladylike and refined quaff.

“Keep it down,” she slurred at the dragon. Then she turned (very gracefully, she might add) to the rest of the restaurant and shouted, “And everypony else can go back to minding their own business!”

Nervous clinks of cutlery and whispered conversation resumed, though most eyes still remained on the white unicorn and her dinner-date.

“Now, are you going to put that ridiculous thing away so we can resume our meal?”

Spike shoved the ring box back in his coat jacket and growled.

“Now, I think you might have gotten the wrong—” Rarity paused, her cheeks flushing as she suppressed the gas deigning to exit her muzzle. “—excuse me, the wine seems to have gotten to me. As I was saying, you seem to be under the mistaken assumption that the arrangement we had was anything more than friendship—”

“Friendship? Friendship‽” Spike growled. “What we’ve been doing isn’t exactly what I’d call friendship. You don’t see our other friends doing what we do.”

“Puh-lease,” Rarity groaned, rolling her eyes. “Of course not, and Rainbow Dash and Applejack are just here at a fancy Prench restaurant because Applejack is tired of eating apples.”

Spike quickly stole a glance towards Rainbow Dash and Applejack, who themselves had rapidly shifted their attention back to their meals.

“What I am saying is that all you and I have ever had has been a friendship. A special friendship, but a friendship nonetheless. I mean, you remember what I said our… first time, right?”

“‘Buck Soarin, I am sick of stallions. Won’t somepony just rut me?’”

Rarity paled. “I didn’t actually ask you to say it outloud. And I am pretty certain I said something with more decorum than that.”

“Nope. You came to my room in the castle, drunk out of your gourd and asked me to rut you until you couldn’t walk straight.”

“And that you did, Spike,” Rarity said, a grin creeping across her muzzle. “But at any point did I say I wanted more?”

“Yes! Repeatedly. Over the last six months,” Spike said, throwing his arms up in the air. “Almost every night you have been begging for more!”

“Got—daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaymn,” a voice called out from the crowd of the restaurant, though nopony owned up to it.

“Well, yes, I was asking for more of that,” she responded. “But not, well, nothing else.”

A look of confusion crossed Spike’s face. “But wait, Twilight told me that only ponies that are in love have sex.”

“Oh yes, and she’s the most reliable source of information on sexual relationships,” Rarity scoffed. “What Twilight Sparkle doesn’t know about sex could fill the entire Crystal Empire library.”

“Hey!” Twilight called out from another table in the room. “I know a lot about sex, I’ve read many books!”

“Is there anyone who isn’t at this restaurant tonight?”

“Discord and Fluttershy,” Pinkie Pie called out. “They’re at home tonight, making like rabbits.”

“So what, that’s all this was?” Spike growled, jabbing at his rocket and ruby salad with a fork. “Just you using me to get your rocks off?”

“Watch your language, please,” a monotone voice called out. “Boulder is in heat.”

“Seriously, you too?” Spike groaned.
“She’s a fan-favourite,” Pinkie replied, before returning to her meal with her sister.

Rarity turned a soft eye towards the sulking drake. “Spike, I thought you grew out of that little crush on me as a child.”

“I had,” Spike admitted. “It’s just… well, what’s been happening has kind of brought it up again. I thought… I don’t know, I guess. I don’t know what I thought.”

“Well, for what it is worth, I am sorry. I didn’t realise,” Rarity sighed. “Had I known… well…”

“And you don’t think you could ever see me that way?” Spike pleaded.

“No, Spike, I couldn’t. I—” Rarity sighed. “What we had was special, and a lot of fun, but that was all it ever was, all it ever could be.”

“But couldn’t—”

“No, Spike,” she interjected. “I am too busy to dedicate my time to somepony, not when I have six boutiques to handle. If I am to focus on my business, I don’t have time to—”

“Okay, I am going to call horse-shit on that one,” Spike said, holding his claw up to interrupt. “You almost threw an entire festival just to get into the pants of Trenderhoof.”

“That doesn’t count…” Rarity coughed.

“And you cancelled the opening night of your Vanhoover store opening just to spend time with Fancy Pants.”

“Fleur had just divorced him, and I couldn’t bear to see a friend in pain—”

“And speaking of divorces… I suppose all the time you spent in the Crystal Empire shop just happened to coincide with the months Shining Armor and Cadence were going through a trial separation—”

“Wait,what‽”

“It was the spring season,” Rarity replied. “And, uhhh, crystals were very in that year… and who knows crystals more than crystal ponies?”

“I know a lot about crystals,” Maud said.

“And she’s really into fashion!” Pinkie added.

“Anyway, whatever I do with whatever stallion I want is my own business, Spike,” Rarity growled. “And I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t share with other ponies what I told you in confidence, especially to ponies whose brothers may-or-may-not have been involved.”

“Speaking of brothers,” Spike said, turning his gaze towards Applejack and Rainbow’s table.

“Don’t. You. Dare.”

Spike sat in silence, slumping in his chair and glowering at the mare across from him.

“Look, it is true that I may go a little stallion-wild every now and then… but I am not looking for a long-term partner. And if you can’t respect that, then—”

“Yeah, I get it. Trust me, I get it.” Spike stood, his large stature knocking the table. “Here, this should cover my half of the meal, I gotta go.”

The dragon tossed the diamond ring onto the table and stormed out the door, followed closely by an overbearing alicorn.

The doors to the restaurant closed behind them, and Rarity sat alone as everypony went back to their meals.

-

Seconds later, a shout echoed through the windows. “No, Twilight, you don’t need to call the guards! She never did anything with me while I was a hatchling!”

Author's Note

Okay, Moose is back.

Kinda.

This is a story I have wanted to write for a while. And man, I know there are gunna be a lot of Rarispike shippers here that are gunna hate this chapter. Don't worry, it gets worse. Much worse.

So as I said in a recent blog post, I have been doing a little writing on the side of university work, as assignments have been killing me and I need some kind of outlet lest I go mad.

Well, madder.

This story will be unedited for a while, as my good buddy Level Dasher has been under the weather lately (under-fucking-statement of the year!)

Updates will be as they come, basically as I need to write to keep myself from killing lecturers or fellow students.

I am already working on chapter two (as I post this!) so expect a little more some time soon, but who knows when it will happen after that.

Chapter Two

Spike groaned as Twilight pulled open the curtains of his room.

“Spike, I’ve had enough of this pity party, it’s time to get up.” Twilight carelessly waded through the piles of empty bottles of firecrystal whiskey and emerald chips. “Really, this room smells like a distillery, and I am not sure how that is possible when crystal’s don’t actually ferment.”

Spike pulled the covers over his face.

“I mean, you’ve really let yourself go,” she tut-tutted as she yanked the blanket off of his bed.

“Just leave me alone,” Spike moaned.

“No way, no how, Mister!” Twilight barked. “It’s been four months, it’s time to get out of bed and start getting over it. I… ewww. Spike, when was the last time you had a shave?”

“Uhh, I dunno, maybe last week?”

“Well, it’s about time you got your flank down into the bathroom and clean yourself up.”

Spike rolled over. “Can’t get up, hangover.”

“Oh, I know a spell that will solve that,” Twilight said with a wicked grin.

“No, Twilight, don—”

Spike clutched his head in pain. This wasn’t the first time Twilight had used this particular spell on him. All the badness of a hangover, condensed into approximately two minutes. He breathed deeply as the pain surged through his pounding temples, every slight noise like a dagger in his brain.

Knowing this, Twilight continued cleaning up the bottles on the ground, happily letting them clink loudly as they landed in the trash bag.

One minute, forty seconds, Spike told himself. Then would be the blessed relief. Ten seconds. Five Seconds. Four. Three. Two. On—

Ahhhh, there it was. The flavour of a greasy haybacon and egg roll washing over his tongue, followed by a stiff, black coffee.

The addition of the tastes and smells was something Spike had convinced Twilight to add to her Anti-Applejack spell after Twilight had spent a night out with Applejack, the eponymous pony for which the spell was named. Twilight had used the spell on Spike long before her own bout with it, but added the extra signature to the spell after her own personal experience.

It hurt like hell, but it was super effective.

“The real thing will be waiting for you downstairs when you stop smelling like a hoof-ball team.” She hurried him out the door. “I need you presentable, we have important guests arriving in the next few days.”

Spike lumbered his way down the crystalline halls towards his bathroom. The staff of the castle had pretty much left this section of the castle alone, aside from mopping up the occasional spilled beverage. Spike pushed the door to the bathroom open, entering the large converted room. Originally it had been a guest room, but Spike’s slightly larger stature than his younger days made him a little large for the pony plumbing of the castle. A large, circular brass bath, two meters in diameter sat in the center of the room, steam rising off the water. Twilight had obviously had the castle servants draw a bath for him, and heated it to near boiling temperatures (something that soothed his draconic bones). In the far corner was a large mirror, basin and super-reinforced, dragon-proof toilet.

As had been stated, the plumbing of the castle was pony-rated, not something that would survive a healthy dragon’s movements… let alone an unhealthy dragon that had pretty much been on a four-month bender. Spike had heard Twilight needed to organise trauma counselling for the Ponyville sanitation workers.

After relieving himself, and saying a silent prayer for those poor, poor ponies down at the treatment plant, he looked at himself in the mirror: it was a sad sight indeed. As Twilight had said, he had not been keeping good care of himself, his chin and cheeks were flecked with hardened granite build up.

Spike groaned to himself. Ugh, nodragon looks good with five-o’clock rubble.

After spending about twenty minutes with an angle-grinder clearing up his face, Spike made his way towards the brass bath. The thick, rich smell of minerals wafted from the steam into his nostrils. It was rare that Twilight let him use her fancy bath salts, so who ever was visiting tonight was probably important.

He lowered himself gently into the tub, allowing the scalding water to relax his weary muscles. He laid there for about twenty minutes, before the heat of the water was starting to dissipate. He didn’t particularly want to get out yet, as that would mean he’d have to suffer Twilight’s overbearing nagging.

Plus, he was still very sore. Sure, Twilight’s spell had solved his hangover problem, but it didn’t do much for the abuse he’d given his body over the last few months.

Speaking of abuse: Spike’s claws wandered down his belly, deciding on their own to make the most of the soapy warmth before he had to get out.

Those poor, poor sanitation workers.

Once he was finished with the bath, and all evidence of his relaxation was down the drain, Spike rinsed off in the shower. The bath minerals were amazing on his scales, but he’d made the mistake of not washing off once before, and relaxing minerals can quickly turn to scale irritation as they dry.

He returned to the basin to give his teeth a cursory clean; the general fuzziness of his teeth was something more annoying than the effort required to clean them, so a compromise was made. He then gargled enough mouthwash to mint-blast away the worst of effective marketing scams.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he didn’t overly recognise the dragon that was looking back. He was clean, for the first time in about a month and a half, his teeth didn’t have a build-up of emerald flakes between them, and his underarms… okay, so they still needed something.

Spraying his underarms with as much deodorant as his nose could take, Spike finally felt like himself again. Like he did when he was still with—

Any concept of feeling good about himself soured as he left the bathroom and made his way to the dining hall downstairs.

Ж

Spike had grown increasingly concerned as the day had gone on. Twilight had served him a literal dragon’s hoard sized breakfast, filling his belly and helping his mood return. After he’d eaten, Spike had planned on going back to his room and reading some comics, or perhaps playing on his HayStation 4 (a generous gift from his friend Sunset Shimmer, along with Twilight’s help getting it working in Equestria), and maybe rubbing one or two out. The full renaissance bit, really. Sadly, his day of self… indulgence… was not to be.

Celestia and Luna had turned up at the castle, a rare surprise given Celestia’s overwhelming duties during the day, and Luna’s usual schedule of sleeping through the day. They had taken him to the Ponyville spa, a relaxing treat that seemed entirely unnecessary given his earlier bath. Luna had caused a slight stir amongst the staff when she had said she would pay them well if they could give Spike a “joyous finale” as she put it. Spike was a little uncomfortable as she had asked, but not as uncomfortable as Bulk Biceps had looked as Aloe and Lotus’ eyes lit up at the number of bits profered.

Spike’s worry skyrocketed when Cadence and Shining Armor, sans normal retinue of guards, had arrived at the spa to pick him up as Celestia and Luna escorted a very excitable Flurry Heart back to the castle. The fake smiles plastered on Cadence and Shining Armor’s faces gave way to somewhat genuine, and very much lewd grins, as they arrived at their destination.

A strip club.

Spike stared in shock as Cadence stood in front of the building. He had never even known that Ponyville had a strip club, though he was uncertain how he could have ever missed it. Bright pink neon signs bore telltale signs, such as “Hot Fillies” and “XXX”. Shining Armor groused as he hoofed over his and Spike’s entry fee to the attendant, Cadence giggling like a schoolgirl as she skipped past the “Girl’s enter free” sign behind the bouncer.

“Umm, Cadence…” Spike spoke.

“Yes Spike?”

“Should we… I mean, should you really be seen at a place like this?” Spike asked as they stepped through the door. “I mean, what would ponies think?”

“Oh don’t fret your head about that, Spike, we’re here to have fun,” Cadence giggled. “Plus, I’ve booked out the entire venue, no pony will know we’re here.”

As they entered the darkened room, Spike looked around and noticed stallions everywhere, spotted around the room, gathered around the mares dancing on stage or at tables while mares danced for them.

The venue most certainly did not look booked out as Cadence had pupported. It looked like a regular day for the strip club, or at least what Spike assumed was a regular day for the club. It looked positively packed.

As he stared around the club, a certain crystalline hue became apparent in the stallions around the club.

Oh, he thought to himself. So this is where Cadence’s guards were.

“Princess Cadence in da house!” the pink alicorn beside him shouted. “Who’s ready to make it rain?”

Shining Armor smirked as his wife cantered down to the center stage, shoulder-checking the stallions in her way to get front and center. The dragoness twirling on the pole in front of her shrugged, then continued her routine.

“Let’s get ourselves a drink, then find a seat.”

Ж

Shining Armor and Spike sat at a corner table next to the only non-crystal pony patron in the joint. Flash Sentry sat at complete attention, though not the same kind of attention his fellow guards were sitting at.

“Flash, seriously, everything is fine,” Shining sighed at the stallion next to him. “You have permission to enjoy yourself.”

“Thank you sir,” Flash Sentry barked. “But as Captain of Her Majesty’s guard, I must remain vigilant at all times. Any number of these ponies could be a potential bad actor.”

“Flash, Cadence and I have personally vetted every single one of the ponies, yaks, dragons and hippogryphs performing here today.” He winked at Spike, then whispered. “Personally. Vigorously. And every night over the span of about six weeks.”

Spike blushed. Wow.

“Princess of Love,” Shining Armor sighed with a grin on his face. “I have the best wife, ever!

“So, Spike,” Shining said, turning his attention to the dragon, “if Corporal Boring here isn’t going to have any fun, why don’t we get you a private dance?”

Before Spike could respond, Shining Armor signaled a crystal pony over to their table, nodding towards the dragon.

“Hey there, Mr Brave and Glorious,” a crystalline mare said as she sauntered up to Spike. “Care for a private dance?”

Swallowing hard, Spike nodded and followed the mare out back to the private booths.

“Remember, Spike,” Shining Armor called out, “We’ve paid for everything.”

Ж

A very flushed Spike returned to the table ten minutes later. Despite Shining Armor’s insistence that they had paid for everything, along with the crystal pony’s insistence that she’d be happy to do anything the twice saviour of her homeland wanted, he had opted for a dance only. Admittedly, it was a very “claws on” dance, but it was just a dance. Or five.

Returning to the table, Spike found that Shining Armor was missing. Looking around, he couldn’t see Cadence either.

“If you’re looking for their Majesties, they are…” Flash Sentry sighed. “Princess Cadence took Shining Armor for a private dance, not long after you left.”

“Oh.”

Spike sat down at the table, and ordered another drink when one of the girls trotted by. He sat in awkward silence with the pony he only-kinda-knew-by-way-of-doppelganger.

They continued to sit there until Cadence and Shining returned. Cadence had a foreboding glint in her eye as they approached with a young dri in tow.

“Captain Stick-In-His-Ass,” Cadence chirped. “My husband tells me that you have not been enjoying yourself.”

“It is my duty to protect their Majesties, your Majesty,” he replied stiffly.

“Oh horse-shit,” Cadence replied. “I can literally see the lust pouring out of your repressed heart. Go have some fun, that’s an order.”

“An… an order?” Flash Sentry asked. “So, I would have to follow that order. I would not be shirking my duties if I was following an order.”

Cadence nodded with a predatory grin on her face.

“Then, Your Majesty, I shall follow your orders to the letter!” he shouted, jumping to his hooves and following the young dri to the back rooms.

“Yona smash pony-college debts!” the young dri yelled.

Author's Note

God I hope I am not pushing that teen rating too far.

Chapter Three

Two Months Earlier

Twilight, Cadence, Celestia and Luna sat across the table from Chrysalis and a retinue of her changelings. The peace summit had been trying, but ultimately the ponies felt they were at least getting somewhere.

“Snack-Princess, can you organise more appetisers?” the Queen asked. “My drones are getting hungry.”

Well, at least Chrysalis was being more cordial than when they had first started the peace summits. They had wrangled the number of assassination attempts down to less than two a week.

“Please?” the changeling queen added, with slight disgust in her voice.

They’d also managed to get her to show at least a little bit of etiquette.

“So,” Celestia said as Cadence infused another plate of bruschetta with love, “There are some terms we cannot budge on. In return for the free and safe collection of excess love within Equestrian borders, your ambassadors—”

“Infiltrators,” Chrysalis corrected.

“—Ambassadors,” Celestia continued, “will ensure that no harm shall befall any equestrian due to the process of love collection.”

“Fine, fine,” the changeling queen scoffed. “We won’t hurt your precious little ponies.”

“Secondly, there will be no more sabotage of internal Equestrian politics, by direct or indirect means,” Celestia added.

“Hey, it was never proven that we leaked any dragonfire mail!” Chrysalis protested, barely concealing her smirk.

“While a changeling, or changeling backed pony may run for any political office, they must fully disclose their political interests.”

“And make their tax records public!” Twilight interjected bitterly.

“Yes, yes,” Celestia continued. “I believe that is already going through parliament, now that Prime Minister Blow-hard has been removed from office.”

“Fine, fine,” Chrysalis huffed. “I’ll stop meddling in Equestrian politics.”

Luna stared hard at the smirking queen across the table.

“Tia, We believe an amendment need be made to thy prior stipulation.”

“Oh? You have something to add, Luna?” Celestia asked, the quill in her aura stopping momentarily.

“The Changeling Queen shalt not meddle with, alter, conspire to, or sabotage Equestrian politics, neither directly, nor through any third party, intermediary, stand-in, or any other proxy.”

“You really like to dot the i’s and cross the t’s, don’t you?” Chrysalis griped, the smirk leaving her face. “Fine, I’ll keep my muzzle, or any muzzle under my command or coercion from your silly little politics.”

“Thou can hardly blame us; thy treachery hath known no bounds. Thou wouldst have done the same as Us, if thou wert in Our position.”

“Pfft,” Chrysalis scoffed. “No I wouldn’t! I would have subjugated the lot of you and suspended you in love sacs!”

Celestia, Luna and Twilight turned to Cadence as she nodded and hummed in ascent.

“What?” Cadence asked, looking shocked. “I mean, I certainly wouldn’t use anything so biologically gross sounding like… ugh, love sacs… but the principle is sound.”

“Cadence, my dear, sweet niece,” Celestia said in a measured tone. “Just what exactly are you saying?”

“Oh, it’s not like I’d act on it, but surely we’ve all thought about how we’d take each other out, if the need arose,” Cadence said. Celestia paled as two nervous coughs came from her sister and former student, and a hearty ‘of course’ from across the table.

“Anyway, it’s fine, I am happy with my own empire for now,” Cadence said. “Let’s get on with this little peace summit thing so we can all go home. Momma needs her royal jewel Shined.”

“Yes, well, that…” Celestia started, before shaking her head. “That sounds fine. I believe we are almost done.”

“Actually,” Chrysalis said, holding up a holed-hoof. “I have a condition.”

“You realised we beat you, right?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, yes—” Chrysalis waved it off. “Friendship, harmony, magic lasers and terrible designs, yes I remember, I was there. But no, I have a condition. You want my signature, you’ll give it to me.”

“We’ll hear you out,” Celestia responded, ignoring Twilight’s grumblings about how she never had to negotiate with Tirek before crippling him.

“If Equestria and the Hive are truly to become allies, then I demand a bridegroom for my daughter.”

Elsewhere

Somewhere, in Manehatten, a record scratched. Vinyl kicked her turntable and kept playing.

Back at the peace summit

“What?” all four alicorns shouted.

“You have a daughter?” Celestia asked.

“Some…ling(?) laid with thee?” Luna asked.

“Oh, I’ve never been able to find out how changeling reproduction worked!” Cadence and Twilight squealed. Twilight looked to Cadence, who replied with a raised eyebrow and a leer.

“Yes, I have a daughter. My husband, and frequently. And it works very well,” Chrysalis replied. “In that order.

“But no, normally changeling breeding does not produce another queen, or, in your particular parlance, a princess. No, my daughter is one of my nymphs, a particularly mischievous one who found her way to the royal jelly.” Chrysalis smiled. “Normally, I’d have such impudence killed, but that was very much how I became a queen, so I’ve turned a bit of a blind eye. But now she grows ambitious, and must leave and make it on her own.”

“Wait, did she say she had a husband?” Twilight asked.

“We find it difficult to believe,” Luna scoffed.

“How hung is he?” Cadance asked. “Wait, do changelings ‘hang’?”

“Of course I am married! I am responsible for creating my entire swarm!” Chrysalis growled. “Relations between a Queen and her consort are a sacred thing! Drone 787345 is a gentleling and a passionate lover! He is irreplaceable to me!”

“Uhhh, your Majesty,” a changeling drone beside her chittered. “787345 was last week’s husband. This week’s is 787346.”

“Wait,” Chrysalis said. “You’re sure? He’s not the one with the… you know, that thing on his—” she made a gesture with her hooves that was nigh unintelligible to her pony counterparts.

“No, your Majesty, that is 787347, next week’s husband.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Chrysalis traced her forked tongue across her sharp teeth. “I’m very much looking forward to him! His father was magnificent!”

“You kill your husbands?” Celestia asked, paling at the thought. “Why not just get a divorce?”

“It’s till death do us part, Celestia!” Chrysalis said, turning her nose up. “Some of us still respect the ancient covenants!”

“Nopony believes in any of those old myths anymore!” Celestia replied, her face flushed with anger most had never seen. “What some eldritch horrors thought about the matters of love between two or more consenting adults has no bearing in our modern age.”

“Oh, yes, of course you’d believe that!” Chrysalis laughed. “Awfully convenient for you, isn’t it?”

“I… I sense there is some history here,” Twilight remarked.

Cadence shrugged.

“Don’t y—”

“Oh, I remember, Celestia,” Chrysalis leered at Celestia. “I remember when your last ‘faithful student’ became your beau. I am old enough to remember when you grew bored with said-same beau, and she became your ‘beloved sister’.”

Twilight didn’t want to believe it, but the blushes adorning the two… sisters’… muzzles was telling.

“Yeah, I’d ship it,” Cadence said.

“You’re a little over 1000 years too late,” Chrysalis cackled, enjoying the utter indignation on the two sisters’ faces.

“Wait, 1000 years—” Twilight started.

“So how long until this one—” Chrysalis pointed a holled hoof at Twilight “—becomes another ‘sister’?”

Twilight paled as her friend, and former mentor, blushed, mumbling something under her breath about Twilight ‘not swinging that way’.

“What a waste of wings,” Chrysalis cackled. “And little Cadence ended up going ga-goo over that hunky, white dolt before you could get your hooves in to her… which I suspect she planned quite literally.”

“Aww, you think Shining is a hunk?” Cadence cooed.

“He… has his merits.” Chrysalis nodded. “If you ever get bored of him, I could marry him for a weekend—”

“Wait,” Cadence said, turning to Celestia. “You wanted your hooves in me?”

Celestia blushed even deeper.

“Wait!” Cadence said… again. “Is that why you spent so long in the Empire during my separation with Shiny? Why didn’t you say something?”

“Fltglty” Celestia muttered under her breath.

“What was that?” Cadence asked.

“What Celestia is trying to say is she was too much of a coward to stick the landing…” Chrysalis laughed.

“I mean, if you’re still interested, Auntie… wait, should I still call you Auntie… I mean, I guess I can still work with that…” Cadence hemmed. “If you are willing to share with Shiny…”

“Sister made it very clear to Us that she ‘doth not swing that way’,” Luna groused.

“Well, your pony perversions aside,” Chrysalis scoffed, “There is still the matter of a bridegroom for my daughter.”

“Yes, that is certainly something we need to take into consideration,” Celestia said, almost too quickly to convince anypony she wasn't desperate to change the subject. “The only prince… I assume it has to be a prince, right?” Chrysalis nodded. “Okay, the only prince in Equestria alive right now is…”

Celestia paused.

“They have to be alive, right?”

“Bad Tia!” Luna shouted, bopping her sister on the back of the head. “Thou knowest the rules, no more necromancy!”

“Well,” Celestia continued, “then the only Prince in Equestria is Prince Blueblood. I am certain he will make—”

“Sister,” Luna interrupted. “The young Blueblood is not in Equestria anymore.”

Celestia paused again.

“And necromancy is definitely off the table?”

“Nay, Sister, that is not what We meant.” Luna shook her head, trying to forget Celestia’s previous attempts at restoring a pony to life. “What We meant was that Blueblood is not in Equestria anymore.”

“Then where is he?” Celestia asked.

“Well, remember when We explained how a shower of comets reshaped the surface of Our moon?” Luna asked, sweating. “We… we may not have been entirely truthful. When we were banished to Our moon, it’s surface, well…”

“Oh,” Twilight said, catching on faster than anypony else. “So that’s why the moon has looked like an asshole in the past few weeks.”

“Right up to His pert starfruit, yes.” Luna nodded.

“Luna!” Celestia gasped. “Why? How could you do something so horrible to our beloved nephew?”

“He said Thy rump had grown since the new chef took over.”

“I never really cared for him,” Celestia said. “Though that does put us in a bit of a predicament right now.”

“We can offer to expedite his sentence in return for his union to the changeling princess.”

“That might just work…” Celestia replied. “Queen Chrysalis, if we can reconvene—”

“Nay, ‘tis not necessary, Sister,” Luna said, as she lit up her horn. “We shalt be right back!”

The Moon

Blueblood looked around. The dreariness of the moon was excruciating. Nothing but hard rocks for miles… approximately seven-thousand miles, if his ‘Aunt’ was to be believed. Not that he had any interest in finding out. He had trotted approximately fifteen feet before his hooves hurt, then deigned to sit down.

And nary a quilted silk cushion in sight.

Such was his fate, that he would spend the next… what did his Aunt say… five months here until he had ‘served his sentence’.

What a ridiculous notion! He had servants to do all the serving. Why Luna couldn’t have sent one of them up here in his stead!

A flash of light interrupted him, and the alicorn that had cursed him to this wretched existence appeared before him.

Blueblood stood to his hooves, staring defiantly at the Princess of the Night. It would perhaps have looked more impressive had his mane not been so disheveled and his coat covered in moon dust.

“Has Auntie Celestia finally ordered you to stop this madness?” Blueblood asked. “Are you to finally return me home?”

“Our Sister hadn’t even noticed Thy absence.”

That took the wind out of Blueblood’s sails.

“Nay, little Prince,” Luna spoke. “We come here with an offer for thee, that thou might have thy crimes pardoned.”

“Anything!” Blueblood screamed as he dropped, kissing Luna’s silver-shod hooves.

“We…” Luna stood back, uncertain how to react. “We are glad thou feel this way.”

“Oh, but it is so boring up here,” Blueblood complained. “Nary an appetiser nor opioid to be found…” Blueblood sobbed. “And no sycophants to share a witty bon mot with!”

“Our negotiations with the Changeling Hive are going at a snail’s pace, but We are closing in on an accord. All we need is a Prince…”

Luna coughed.

Blueblood smirked. Of course they would need his famed negotiative skills to seal the deal.

“…to marry a changeling princess.”

“I’m quite fond of your moon, Auntie,” Blueblood replied. “All these rocks are… very interesting. I would be remiss in not taking this opportunity to explore it more.”

Luna sighed. “And that is thy final answer?”

Blueblood nodded.

“Very well,” Luna said, turning her head around to get her bearings. “Before We leave, We believe we may have left a cushion up here, when we were first banished.”

“Really?” Blueblood asked, excitedly.

“Yes,” Luna replied, pointing a hoof towards the horizon. “We believe it is about two-thousand-eight-hundred-and-fifty-two miles that way.”

In a flash of light she was gone.

“Fu—”

Back at the Summit

“… so if you suspend the love in a mucus secretion first, it is less likely to spoil the food when—”

A burst of light filled the room, interrupting the conversations.

“I’ll tell you the rest in later, Chrysalis,” Cadence said, as she trotted back to the Equestrian side of the table. “So, is little Bluey joining us?”

“Nay,” Luna replied. “It seems Our negotiations have been forestalled. Blueblood was… uncooperative.”

“Then that’s it?” Cadence said. “I mean, I don’t mind sharing Shiny… though I am not sure about him marrying another—”

“Technically,” Celestia muttered, “Blueblood is not Equestria’s last eligible prince…”

“SHE SAID IT!” a cheerfully-pink voice echoed through the open window behind them.

“No!” Twilight shouted, stamping her hooves on the table. “We promised we’d never do that!”

Luna and Chrysalis looked at Celestia and Twilight with confusion. Cadence simply made an ‘oh’ face, which was distinctly different from her ‘O’ face.

“The only other option, then… well, we could always turn you into a stallion, Twilight…” Celestia offered. “A quick transfiguration spell would do the trick.”

“Yeah, then a little snip in the brain here, a cut there, I could even have you interested in mares,” Cadence added.

“You could?” Celestia asked.

“Yes,” Cadence added, before cowering from Twilight’s glare. “Not that I would. Altering an emotional being’s mental state should never be considered.”

“You’re damn right!” Twilight barked indignantly. “It’s completely unethical!”

“Reformation spell,” Celestia muttered.

“Mostly unethical,” Twilight corrected.

“Well, those are our two options,” Celestia said.

Twilight contemplated the repercussions that such a decision would have. On herself, her relationship with him, heck, even the effect such a revelation would have on all of Equestria…

For all of five seconds.

“He’s a big dragon, he’ll learn to deal with it.”

Elsewhere (but a different elsewhere from last time)

A drunken dragon stumbled out of Berry Punch’s establishment, being propped up by his equally drunk but vibrating and jumping friend.

“Pinkie,” Spike hurked. “What was that?”

Pinkie smiled. “One heck of a doozy!”

Chapter Four

Spike sweated nervously, as everypony around him (sans Flurry Heart) sat around the dining hall table with rictus grins on their muzzles. While it was not uncommon to see such an expression on Twilight, especially when she had forgotten something important from her todo list, seeing the same expressions on Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor was disturbing.

“Did somepony drop some Pinkie Venom in the water without me knowing it?”

Flurry Heart shrugged, continuing to shovel food into her mouth. “‘unno, don’ ‘rink wafer”

“Flurry Heart, don’t talk with your mouth full!” Cadence said, snapping out of it almost immediately. “Ms. Lessons would be appalled.”

Flurry Heart finished what was in her mouth, as what she had to say was super important. “‘Quette can suck eggs off a—”

“Flurry Heart!” This time it was Shining Armor.

Celestia held a hoof to her mouth, hiding a delicate titter.

“Take it from your parents, Flurry,” Spike said, glad to see the mood lighten, “you don’t want to be known as the princess who feeds like a pig at a trough every time you head to the Hayburger.”

“Hey!” Twilight growled.

“Oooh,” Flurry Heart clopped her hooves excitedly. “Mum, can we go to the hayburger after this?”

“You’ve already eaten three plates of spaghetti, how could you want more?” Cadence asked.

“Not for food, mum, for ice cream,” Flurry replied, as if her mother were the dumbest pony in Equestria.

“I’m sure Twily has plenty of ice cream here,” Shining Armor replied. “We don’t need to go out for ice cream.”

“Actually, there isn’t any ice cream in the house,” Spike interjected. “There hasn’t been any in the last few weeks. Twilight has been stress eating ever since she came back from the summ—”

Oh dear. There were those rictus grins again.

“We’re at war, aren’t we?” Spike asked. “Let me guess… it was either Twilight, Cadence or Luna.”

“What do you mean: it would be me, Cadence or Luna?” Twilight asked through gritted teeth, her scowling brow completely at odds with the rictus grin she still insisted on sporting.

“Well, you—” Spike pointed at Twilight, “—probably asked about, I don’t know, changeling mating habits. And you—” Spike pointed to Cadance, “—probably asked for a demonstration of their mating habits.”

“And what of Us?” Luna asked, her scowl taking over the entirety of her face.

“Well, just…” Spike waved his hand at all of her. “You.”

“Hmm,” Luna’s replied, brow furrowed in concentration, before her expression lightened considerably. “Yes, ‘tis a faire assumption.”

“Do not worry, dear Spike, we are not at war.” Celestia said, putting on her motherly tone. “You worry too much.”

Spike raised an eyebrow… he’d known Celestia long enough to know that ‘motherly voice’ was usually put on when she was trying to hide something.

“So, if not war, then—”

“Ahahaha,” Twilight said, “let’s just get back to our family dinner!”

“Did you just say ‘Ahahaha’, Auntie?” Flurry Heart asked. “You know that’s not how laughing works, right?”

“If you ask no more questions, I’ll take you out for ice cream after dinner,” Twilight quickly responded.

And everypony was back to those rictus grins, which was made all the more disturbing as maintained them while attempting to eat. All the while, they kept their eyes on Spike.

“A most humorous event occured at the peace summit, Spike,” Luna shouted.

“Luna? What on Equus—” Twilight asked.

“‘Tis called a segue, young Sparkle,” Luna replied.

“Oh dear,” Celestia sighed. “I had hoped to at least get to the cake before this was brought up.”

“That may be a good thing, Sister. Whilst We object to the way Our nephew spake, His assessment of Thy rump is not wholly inaccurate.”

Luna wilted under her sister’s glare.

“Nothing wrong with a larger rump,” Cadence replied. “More cushin for the p—” She stopped when she noticed Flurry Heart listening intently. “—otatoes. More cushin for the potatoes.”

“Huh?” Flurry Heart asked.

“I honestly have no idea either, honey,” Shining Armor said, shaking his head.

“So what is going on?” Spike insisted.

Everypony (sans Flurry Heart) froze.

“I think we were talking about S.E.X.” Flurry Heart answered.

“Flurry!” both Shining Armor, Cadence and Twilight shouted simultaneously.

“What?” Flurry asked. “I might only be eleven, but I am her daughter,” she replied, pointing a hoof towards Cadence.

Cadence blushed, whilst Shining Armor grumbled something about boundaries.

“No, Flurry,” Spike said, “they were talking about something else.” He paused. “Well, the rest of us were talking about something else… with your parents, it usually is about se—”

“Spike!” Twilight barked. “Not in front of Flurry.”

“I already know what he was going to say—”

“Don’t!” Shining Armor, Cadence and Twilight shouted again.

“—Sex” Flurry continued.

“Next child,” Shining Armor growled, “I am the one in charge of giving ‘the talk.’”

“Please don’t use to Royal Guard,” Flurry begged.

“What‽” Shining shouted. “Okay, definitely going to be in charge next time. Also, I want the names of those guards so I can have them exe—”

“No! Not Crystal Rod,” Cadence wailed.

“I have not had enough booze for this conversation.” Spike growled. “So, the dysfunctional Crystal Empire Royal Family aside… What’s. Going. On‽”

Twilight sighed.

“So, during our negotiations, Queen Chrysalis made some… demands.”

“She knows you beat her, right?” Spike asked.

“Rainbow lasers and all, yes,” Twilight replied. “It certainly did nothing for disposition… I guess somepony has to be nice before a rainbow blast to the muzzle makes them nice again.”

“So what demand has you so worked up?”

“She demanded a bridegroom—”

Spike gagged. “She wants to marry a pony? Ugh, gross!”

“—for her daughter.” Twilight finished.

Spike paused.

“Probably still gross.”

“I don’t know, changelings have a strange sort of beauty—” Celestia remarked. “It is just ashamed about their… personalities.”

“So yes, Queen Chrysalis demanded a bridegroom for her daughter,” Twilight said, lingering before continuing, “a royal one. A prince one. An Equestrian prince. Which meant—”

“Blueblood,” Spike groaned. “Sweet Celestia’s bountiful flanks, we are at war!”

“I am not sure how I feel about that saying,” Celestia hummed.

“Nay,” Luna replied. “Not young Blueblood. We even tried to convince Him again, after His first refusal, but he steadfastly refused to leave Our moon.

“We are not sure how He is even holding on, if We are to be truthful”

“So then who?” Spike asked. “Unless Shining Armor has a secret love child… wait.” Spike turned to the white stallion. “Do you have a secret love child, Shining Armor?”

“I am almost 100% certain he does not,” Cadence replied. “We’re always careful in using contraceptive spells anytime we invite anyone—” Noticing Flurry Heart listening again, Cadence changed tack, “—checkers. Anytime we invite anyone over for checkers.”

“Well then, there are no more Princes in Equestria, unless you plan on turning Twilight into—”

“She has already steadfastly refused against that one,” Cadence replied. “Which is such a shame, she’d make such a cute little stallion.”

“Hey, do I have to start worrying?” Shining Armor laughed, nudging his wife in in the ribs.

“You already should,” Cadence replied. “You’re lucky your little sister never responded to my—”

“Will ponies please stop talking about my romantic life?” Twilight asked. “What don’t you all understand about heteroromantic asexuality?”

“Pretty much all of it,” Spike said, waving his claw.

Twilight pouted.

Celestia draped a soft wing over Twilight’s back. “If you ever need somepony to—”

“Hetero. Romantic. Ace!” Twilight growled again, before Celestia removed her wing.

“So speaking of romance,” Cadence chimed in. “We were talking about weddings.”

“Yes,” Twilight replied. “Thank you, Cadence… for once. So you see Spike, there is one last Equestrian prince. Though he doesn’t exactly know that he is a prince…”

A chill ran down Spike’s spines.

“No.”

“Spike, it’s—”

Not possible!

Spike was not going to hear of it.

“I can’t be!” Spike replied. “I don’t even know who my parents are! How can I be royalty if I am an orphan? And how can I be Equestrian royalty when my parents, whoever they are, are dragons?”

“Technically, one of your parents wasn’t a dragon.” Twilight whispered.

“Wait, Twilight?” Spike growled. “You know who my parents are?”

“Well, kind of also your only parent,” Twilight whispered even lower. “You only have one parent.”

“One parent? How does that even work‽” Spike said. “I remember the lectures, Twilight. Two ponies… or two what-evers, make a baby what-ever. It doesn’t happen by magic!”

“Except for the rare few times it does,” Celestia intoned.

“Huh?” Spike asked.

“My exam… I was giving an dragon egg to hatch,” Twilight said, quietly. “I didn’t know—”

“You didn’t know what, Twilight?” Spike asked, his breath catching in his throat.

“I didn’t know it was an unfertilized egg, Spike,” Twilight replied. “All I knew was I had to hatch a baby dragon, and put all of my magic into that spell, and…”

“Wait, are you saying you’re my—”

An explosion rocketed overhead and everypony (and dragon) dove for the ground. When the smoke cleared, they saw above them a banner with a crude picture of Spike and Twilight drawn on it.

The banner read: Congratulations, Spike, Twilight’s your mommy!

“Celestia-fucking-damnit, Pinkie!” Spike roared.

“No, I am certain I definitely don’t like that one,” Celestia grumbled.

“You’re my mother‽” Spike yelled. “What? When? How?”

“The what and the how have kind of been covered,” Twilight answered, “but the when… well, I only found out a few years ago myself… on your eighteenth.”

Celestia glared at Luna.

“How were We to know Thou hadst not told Thy pupil!” Luna said. “We wished to congratulate young Sparkle for raising such a fine Son. We thought she wert protesting out of humbleness.”

“Why didn’t you tell her earlier? Why didn’t you tell me—” Spike started, staring at Celestia.

“Oh, yes yes, what a terrible monster I am,” Celestia scoffed. “I hide one little mess up where I accidentally get a foal ‘knocked up’ of sorts, and all of a sudden it’s cries of ‘Down with Tyrantlesta!’ How do you think the public would react to such news about their princess? Do you know what constitutes serving a sentence for an alicorn?”

Spike waited.

“At least one-thousand years locked away on some celestial body,” Celestia barked. “And all Luna did was try and kill every living thing on this planet… do you know how ponies respond to foalfiddlers? I’d be lucky if I got away with one-thousand years!”

“Spike, I know this is a lot to take in,” Twilight interjected. “It was a lot for me to take in too.”

“That’s what she said!” Cadence said.

“Not now,” Shining Armor replied.

“That’s also what she said!” Cadence cackled.

“Sweetie, this is why there are so many charges against you in the Empire.”

“Take your time,” Twilight said, ignoring her brother and sister-in-law. “I know it’s a lot to process.”

“So you are just dumping all of this shit on me?” Spike growled. “Hey Spike, by the way, we’ve kept your mom secret from you, you’re also a prince, and by the way… we now want to marry you off to some bug-faced changeling princess?”

“That’s about the gist of it,” Celestia replied glibly.

“We won’t force you to marry her,” Twilight said.

“We won’t?” Luna asked.

“No,” Twilight said, glaring back. “He’s my son, and I am not going to force him into an arranged marriage.” She paused, smiling gently. “My son. Huh. It’s kind of nice to say it out loud.”

“I need a drink.” Spike said.

“Go spend some time with your friends,” Twilight said. “Talk to them, they’ll help you get through it.”

“Oh, like I bet they helped you, right?” Anger flashed across Spike’s face. “So our friends have been keeping me in the dark too? That’d be about ri—”

“They don’t know,” Twilight responded.

“Well, except that one, somehow,” Twilight said, pointing a hoof up to the banner.

“I—” Spike said, getting up from the table. “Yeah, okay, I might go and talk to them. Thanks— for not, you know, telling them before me.”

“Let’s go for ice cream—” Flurry Heart said, jumping up and following him. “—coooooooooousin!”

“Ugh, fine, but I am getting rum and raisin…” he grumbled. “Light on the raisins, heavy on the rum.”

Ж

Celestia sat down in Twilight’s breakfast nook. Even though the previous night had been draining, she still rose earlier than most ponies, having to raise the sun and all. She made a fresh cup of coffee from the weird machine her other-former pupil had given Twilight, and sat down to read the paper on the table.

PRINCESS TWILIGHT’S BASTARD CHILD
Princess Twilight foaled a child at the age of six. Is Princess Celestia Responsible?

See page three for details.

Celestia screamed.

“ME-FUCKING-DAMNIT!”

Author's Note

A little later on the finishing of this one than planned, Uni kicked my ass with one assignment, and I have three malware samples to reverse engineer in the next five weeks, so I will probably go radio silence after this for a bit.

Moose