Jesus Christ They're Coming For My Lollipops!

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Death, Narcotics, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Bon-Bon, Other, Sex
Length: 1114

Bon Bon is not well.

Bon Bon is not well.

Published 2018-09-09 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-09 17:20:01 UTC

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"Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!" Bon Bon yelled, but most ponies didn't know who that was. Lyra did though. She had been to the human world. She had dropped acid. She had traveled through space and time. She had met the savior himself, and been irreversibly changed. Lyra knew. Which was why she was so worried. One does not take the Lord's name in vain without consequences.

Poor Bon Bon. She should have known better. But she didn't. And so again, she screamed, "God Almighty, make them stop, make them stop! My lollipops are mine. Mine and mine alone! Begone, foul beasts, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, be gone!"

Bon Bon was talking to flies though. Flies do not have the mental capacity to understand Equish. A real tragedy, really. Be glad you are not a fly. If you were, you wouldn't be able to read this. Unless you were Superfly.

Bon Bon was not Superfly. But she was a changeling. Lol what a common fandom trope, Bon Bon, mare of many voices, as the shapeshifter. She was doing no shape shifting now though. She was simply yelling at flies on her lollipops.

Lollipops, you may say, have wrappers on them. These ought to keep the flies off. But Bon Bon in her hubris and her madness had unwrapped all her lollipops. All twenty-three thousand of them. That's a lot of lollipops. She had bought something like nine hundred bags of lollipops with lottery winnings. Not the wisest use of money, but then I'm a guy who blows money on My Little Pony merchandise so who am I to talk?

Who are any of us to talk? We are not in charge of Bon Bon; she is her own mare and can make her own financial decisions, even if they are poor ones.

Bon Bon had made some poor financial decisions.

Lyra was worried. Bon Bon was trying to swat flies with a moldy carrot she had fished out of a dumpster. Recently she had taken to dumpster diving as a hobby. Not because she wanted to, but because she was compelled to. You see, parasitic worms run rampant in the changeling community because changelings like eating raw fish. Bad idea. Don't eat raw fish. You'll get parasitic worms in your body that burrow into your brain and alter your thought patterns. This is why Chrysalis keeps messing up her plans to conquer Equestria. It's the worms, my dude, it's the worms.

Anyway, These worms compel changelings to dumpster dive so that they can lay their eggs in dumpsters and complete their life cycle. It's like that one parasite that causes its ant victims to climb to the top of grass leaves so that cows eat them so that the parasite can chill in the cow until it gets pooped out and then the ants eat the poop or something I don't remember the exact details, but here's a fungus that takes over the brains of ants which is honestly kind of more terrifying because fungi aren't supposed to be particularly clever creatures and yet here we are: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophiocordyceps_unilateralis

So Bon Bon was not well, on account of having worms in her brain, and was yelling blasphemous utterances at flies landing on her lollipops.

Jesus himself eventually got tired of this and so traveled to Equestria to confront Bon Bon.

"Bon Bon, my dudette, you really need to chill with uttering my name like that. It's major not cool and also you have worms in your brain. I'd heal you, but I'm not a miracle worker. Okay, so I am, but my effects only work on humans. I'm out of my league here. You should hit up your local hospital. Tell Nurse Snowheart I said hi and that she still owes me that kilo of coke. I haven't forgotten about that. I'm like an elephant; I remember this shit. So yeah, I'mma gonna go back to Heaven now; I was in the middle of a particularly dank sudoku puzzle and I'd like to finish it sooner than later."

And with that, Jesus was gone.

Bon Bon was pretty wacked out so she didn't really appreciate what Jesus had been saying. But Lyra heard him well and clear. Under better circumstances, she would have really appreciated seeing him again, but as it were, she was just worried for her friend. Especially since she ate out Bon Bon's ass a lot and didn't want to get worms herself. Woah, gonna need to throw a "sex" tag on this bad boy now.

So Lyra dumped Bon Bon in her cart and hitched it up and galloped to the Ponyville Hospital. Once there, she explained the situation to the Doctor and they took Lyra in and gave her anti-parsite medicine.

Lyra meanwhile took Nurse Snowheart aside. "Listen up you little shit, I know you have cocaine you're not sharing. Jesus told me so. Yes, Jesus talks to me. Anyway, I want some blow, and you're going to give it to me or I'll get your ass fired so fast it will feel like Celestia brought the sun down on it. Do I make myself clear?"

Nurse Snowheart wasn't too happy with being blackmailed, so she stabbed Lyra with a syringe full of morphine, enough to kill a horse. But Lyra was no horse. Lyra was a human dumped in Equestria when she was little. What, don't look at me like that. Didn't you ever read

EAnthropology

MLP: FiM

Adventure

Comedy

Slice of Life

Lyra is determined to find out the truth behind the mysterious legends of humans.

Human

Lyra

Bon-Bon

JasonTheHuman · 130k words  ·  7,878  169 · 131k views

?

Humans are just as susceptible to morphine as horses though, so Lyra still died.

BUT! Here's where the being human part comes into play. Since she was a human and believed in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, she went to heaven, where she played songs on her lyre for God Himself, forever and ever, for all eternity. Do you believe in Jesus Christ? If not, you're going to Hell when you die. The Bible tells me so.

Oh and Bon Bon died of a staph infection she got at the hospital.

She didn't go to Hell, because she isn't real.

Some people think Jesus isn't real either. These people are known as atheists, and they're bad people.

Author's Note

This is a shitpost.