The Adventures Of Cozy Glow And Lord Tirek

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cozy Glow, Slice of Life, Main 6, Tirek, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3023

Takes place directly after School Raze, so SPOILERS. After being joined in imprisonment at Tartarus with his pen-pal Cozy Glow,it isn't too long before Tirek finds himself on the run again.The question is though, is he safer free, or in a steel cage?

Takes place directly after School Raze, so SPOILERS. After being joined in imprisonment at Tartarus with his pen-pal Cozy Glow, it isn't too long before Tirek finds himself on the run again. The question is though, is he safer free, or in a steel cage?

That remains to be seen.

Published 2018-09-10 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-24 08:06:27 UTC

The two most evil creatures in Equestria... together at last!

The two most evil creatures in Equestria... together at last!

"Hey, neighbour! Wanna be friends... and escape with me into the cold, dark night?"

Tirek may have been a washed-up old has-been of a magic-guzzling evil sorcerer, but even he could sense something was amiss about the cutesy-poo new arrival who'd just been plunged into the accursed realm of Tartarus.

For starters, she was much too young to be imprisoned in a rusty metal cage, surely such a cruel and unusual punishment should be reserved for those who posed a dire threat to the safety of Equestria... like him, for example?

And who could accuse this cherubic pink filly of such a potentially nefarious crime? A far more peaceful scenario, such as playing dollies or hopscotch with her equally tooth-rottingly adorable friends would be a much likelier outcome for this seemingly innocent little sweetheart.

Maybe there was a mix-up during the latest prisoner transfer, Tirek thought somewhat smugly, relishing any fragment of fun he could get in this depressive, repressive environment . They must've grabbed a kid by mistake! Oh the hilarity! I can't wait to intimidate the poor darling, terrify her out of her wits! Because that's what I do to children, you see... being evil incarnate. Bwhahahaha "COUGH COUGH".

Sadly for the cackling and somewhat catarrh-ridden centaur, such frivolous notions of driving an angelic youngster to despair with a devastating mixture of ominous threats, scary faces and deeply personal remarks were destined to remain unfulfilled. For as soon as Luna and her guards disappeared through the magical portal from whence they came, that's when the true colours of the newly-imprisoned junior inmate began to emerge.

"Oh me, oh my... what am I to do? No magic for me, no magic for you." The high-pitched squeak of a voice that emanated from the young convict carried with it an almost foreboding quality, and this theory was further backed up by the creepy way she slowly turned to look Tirek right in his yellowish eyes. "So near, and yet so far. Still, as I always say, 'tomorrow is only a day away', and we can always try again to bend those wretched creatures to our will, can't we, pen-pal?"

All thoughts of reducing the pastel filly to a blubbering mess on the floor soon left Tirek as quickly as his godlike power had abandoned him after 'The Rainbow Squad' zapped his good self years earlier, and his bony jaw almost stretched a metre in length as he attempted to process what he'd just heard. "C-Cozy G-Glow? I-Is that you?"

"Abso-posi-lutely! So pleased to make your acquaintanceship, oh long-distance correspondence of mine!" Cozy Glow greeted the stunned centaur with a effusive bow, though whether it was a genuine one or not was impossible to say. "I would've hoped we might've met under better circumstances, with the entirety of Equestria under my control and you gratefully serving as my right-hoof lackey for helping me lead this world into a glorious new era. Alas, it was not meant to be... for now."

"I see." Tirek would never admit it, but even he was starting to feel a little daunted in the presence of this megalomaniacal child. Maybe she's in the right place after all. "Well, when I got your initial letters I naturally assumed that your interest in sucking the magic out of everything was purely foalish inquisitiveness, and your plans to take over Equestria was just imaginative role-playing. Of course, when the initial rumours about unicorns and alicorns unable to use their powers began to circle I began to suspect some connection, a fact later confirmed by all the mystical beasties around these parts losing their innate abilities as well. I am a bit shocked to discover what you look like in the flesh, though. I was expecting somepony a bit more..."

"Evil-looking? Rough-around-the-edges? Ugly-as-sin? Well, coming from someone as beautiful as you, Oh Inspirational Mentor Of Mine, I'll take that as the highest of compliments." Cozy spoke those words so sincerely her dimples seemed to glow in the meagre light filtering from above. "It's not easy looking this cute, especially when you have to spend hours under the hairdryer to give your curled mane just the right amount of bounce, or perfect the whimsical grin which is guaranteed to have everypony eating out of your hoof within seconds. Oh, the sacrifices I've made, trying to achieve my life's mission! It was nearly complete, it was nearly so sweet, if it hadn't been for those six insects getting in the way. Flies in my ointment, that's what they were."

"H-Hang on just a moment... if you're referring to Princess Twilight and her merry band of do-gooders, I can confirm they were stuck here for the duration of the magic drought. I don't think they would've made it back in time to stop you, either." It took great courage indeed for Tirek to contradict Cozy Glow at this point, as maniacal in her behaviour and delivery as she clearly was. "Also, I think you're forgetting about her tiny dragon friend, too. I'm not surprised about that, considering how unimportant he is in comparison to the rest, though he does seem to have sprouted a pair of wings since we last came to blows..."

"Oh Tirek, you big goofball!" Cozy Glow simpered in response to the centaur's extended musings, sounding a little like a sadistic alternate version of Pinkie Pie. "I'm not talking about the adults, I mean six of my fellow former students who foiled my flawless scheme on account of the 'special' bond they all share as many different species! How wonderfully moving! How positively touching! And when I have my supreme revenge, I'll make them eat it. All in one bite, without even any condiments. Hehehehehe!!"

If Tirek thought he'd cornered the market in dastardly chuckles, Cozy Glow was about to put him to shame once more, as her piercing laugh nearly caused the trembling centaur to turn a nice shade of white. "I-I see." He paled, attempting to turn away so he could disguise just how much she was getting to him. "W-Well, I wish you the best of luck with that. If I may be so bold as to point one thing out though, that may put a slight dampener on your ebullient mood..."

The warped filly stopped giggling up a storm long enough to regard Tirek with the same level of respect one might have for a speck of dirt under one's hoof. "Oh, and what might that be, pray tell?"

"You're in here, and they're out there... remember?" Tirek tried to keep any trace of triumphalism out of his observation. After all, he was in sort of the same predicament. Still, this cheeky upstart could do with being taken down a peg or two...

Apparently though, this wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Instead of being flummoxed by the centaur's cold take on reality, Cozy Glow simply began laughing with even more vigour than before. Soon she was rolling around in the small space her cage provided her with in hysterical tears, as a sweating Tirek waited in earnest to see what the reason might be to this latest bout of amusement.

"Oh, Mr Tirek! I can tell we're going to have some fun times together! Didn't you catch the first fourteen words I said to you, upon entering this stinky place? That stupid Luna, too much raising the moon every single night and feeling guilty about the past has made her weak and enfeebled! I waited for the precise moment to grab the bunch of keys for our cages just before she vanished, and by the time she eventually realises what's missing from her saddlebag, we'll be long gone! Never mind, though. I'm sure she'll soon recapture us... in her 'dreams'!! Get it?! Hehehehehe..."

Tirek blinked once, then twice very slowly, as if he couldn't quite believe what he'd just heard. "Do you mean to tell me..." He said with an undertone of incredulity. "That you currently have in your possession the keys that will free us from our confinement, which you managed to snatch from the Princess Of Night without her even seeing? I suppose this was part of your plan too all along, too? What kind of degenerate filly are you, to do all this and not break a sweat? I dread to think how your parents must've raised..."

"Hey!! I told you time and time again in my letters! Don't ever bring up my family! You got that, old man?!" Cozy Glow's mood abruptly changed from joviality to fury in an instant, and she glared the quaking centaur down until the question died on his tongue. "Now, are you going to make a break for freedom with me, or are you quite happy to spend what few remaining years you have sitting here watching the last of your grey hairs fall to the ground? I'm sure you have a few scores to settle on the outside, if you really think about it."

If you'd asked Tirek this question just the other day, the answer would be a total no-brainer. He would have his luggage packed in seconds (let's be honest though, his worldly possessions didn't amount to much) and he'd be there on the dock ready to leave when you were. But something about this disturbed filly, and the way she seemed so driven in her lunacy, gave him pause for more than a few second thoughts on the matter.

"U-Um, maybe?" The centaur gulped, wondering if there was a way you could let a Grade A nutcase down gently. "Believe it or not, you get kind of attached here after a while. You have so many animal friends to keep you company after all, and there's always a nice warm blast of air in the winter. Besides, aren't you overlooking one, or rather three small things? Just how do you expect us to get past Cerberus, and that door which can only be opened with magic? I believe, after yesterday's shenanigans, I'm fresh out..."

If Tirek expected Cozy Glow to give up on her 'impossible' venture there and then, he obviously hadn't been paying much attention. "What, that mutated, mangy mutt? Don't worry, I have something very special in mind for him, which involves the judicious application of a draught I keep prepared for such emergencies. Plus, in answer to your other question, you'd be surprised what you can smuggle out of the School Of Friendship if you're resourceful and ruthless enough! Finally, as for whether you should stay or go, I do believe you appear to be labouring under a misapprehension. Who gave you 'no' as an option...?"

Author's Note

Sorry, I just couldn't contain the plot bunnies. After watching the season finale, the idea for this fic would just not leave me alone. I had to write it out before the inspiration left me, so here we are.

I notice there are a few other villainous Cozy Glow stories floating around too, so I must not be the only one to feel the urge.

Anyway, hope you liked it. I now have to update at least two other fics before I add to this one: as always, how much I add to it depends on it's popularity. Well, bye for now! :raritywink:

Getting to know you... getting to know all about you...

"Come on, keep up you useless old fossil! Princess Twilight and her Flunkies Of Friendship could be on our tails any millisecond... and you think you have the time to stop for a nice coughing fit?! What part of 'on the run from the law' don't you understand, thicko?"

" I-In case... gasp... y-you hadn't noticed... wheeze... I-I'm not quite as limber... phew.... a-as I used to be. N-Neither am I currently... deep intake of breath... in the best condition, compared to my glory days..."

"You can say that again! When I started writing letters to 'The Great Lord Tirek' in solitary confinement, I thought I was talking to some diabolical criminal mastermind, not some washed-up asthmatic relic! I must say, seeing you in the pony after so much undeserved hype was almost as much of a disappointment as the ease in which those pathetic imbeciles managed to foil my brilliant scheme! Grr, just thinking about it now makes me want to... I'll show them 'mentally imbalanced, possibly psychotic!' "

"E-Er, if you really feel that way Ms Glow, we could always go back to Tartarus and pick out a more 'worthy' companion to accompany you on your travels. These ancient bones aren't designed for long distance hauls, and without my magic, I fear I'd be more of a hindrance than a help. I can help you choose a far better replacement if you like: I think Cockatrice has been looking to stretch his legs for a while now..."

"That blithering buzzard? No chance! One accidental side-glance in a mirror, and he's history! I couldn't afford the bird seed fees anyway, whereas looking after you would be much cheaper and in my long term interests. You absorb magic, remember? Which also gives you the benefit of growing super-tall, and speaking with a far more intimidating voice than the weaselly whine I'm hearing right now. Double bonus! All we need is to get you hooked up with some super powerful sorcerer-types, and you'll soon be back to your old hideous self! Auntie Cozy swears by it! Scout's honour!"

"Since when were you in the... you know what, never mind. Fine, fine. Let's just get out of this general area and away from scrutiny, before we make any other plans. I just have to say one thing though: You might want to heed the advice of someone who was trying to take over Equestria when your great-great-great grandmother wasn't even in the foetal stage! For example, if we'd bothered to stop for my inhaler like I specifically asked, I wouldn't be on the brink of total collapse as I am right now!"

giggles "Oh Tirek, you silly goose! I grabbed your inhaler myself, along with a few other essential items I thought we might need, just before the alarm started ringing as we made our mad dash out of the front gate! Or hobble, in your case. Didn't you see me go to the place where all our personal items were kept, smash the lock and fill up this saddlebag I'm carrying with goodies? It must've been when you temporarily passed out, when you ran into that wall after you thought Cerberus was waking up. Haven't you ever heard of doggies turning over in their sleep? You really are a jumpy one, aintcha?"chuckles

grinds teeth "Well, you'd be as well if you thought you were on the verge of being mauled by a three headed monster! You didn't have to kick me in the stomach repeatedly to rouse me from unconsciousness, either! A simple bucket of water splashed over my face would've done the trick! But, I'm guessing you knew that already! You were just having your evil fun weren't you, you sadistic little..."

"Watch your next few words very carefully, Mr Tirek. After all, it would be a real shame if my hoof happened to slip and you were to lose your tongue. Who would I have to talk to then, during the long journey ahead? Chatting with oneself can be amusing for a while I suppose, but it does get awfully boring awfully quickly. After all, we have too much in common."

"Y-You dare to make threats... against me? Why, I've been known to incinerate ponies for far less than what you just said! I swear, If I still had all my full power and this were a different era, I'd..."

"Well, hate to be the bearer of bad news good sir, but it isn't and you don't. In fact, you're going to need my help in regaining any semblance of your old self back, so maybe it's time we saw a bit less arguing and a bit more cooperation, dontcha think? Shall we get going? Or, do you want me to change your diapers too?"

"Grr. Fine, I'll play along for now... but don't expect me to tow the line forever, especially when it's only the likes of a deranged pegasus filly holding me down. That, and my chequered history of betraying others should tell you that this current partnership is probably going to be a very short-lived one indeed."

"That's the spirit! And as regards your lack of loyalty to the cause, well I can totally get that. After all, I had everypony at school convinced I was a model student and stand-up assistant to the headmare, until I took over the joint in her absence! You should've seen the looks on their faces when they discovered the truth, that an 'innocent' child had outsmarted them all! I wish I'd had a camera! Anyway, enough reminiscing about the failures in our past, it's time we looked forward to our triumphant future! And if you're a very good boy, I might even let you have your inhaler back soon! Just remember to say please... and smile like you mean it!" cackles

Damn it. I never had this kind of trouble with Scorpan, or even Discord. You just wait, 'Cozy Glow', one of these days you'll let your guard slip and I'll make you eat every single one of those unkind...

"Well Mr Tirek, what are you waiting for? A piggy-back ride? Let's go before that huge-ish search party I just sighted from the air to the west have the foresight to check in this direction. Onward, and upward!"

"U-Ulp! Yes dea... I mean, Cozy Glow!"

Author's Note

Don't worry folks, this'l be the only chapter in this particular dialogue only format. I just wanted to get a feel of the characters and motivations, as well as try something a bit new. Tune in next time, when our two warring fugitives finally accept their innate differences and peace and love reign... or maybe not. :moustache: