The two most evil creatures in Equestria... together at last!
View Online

The Adventures Of Cozy Glow And Lord Tirek

The two most evil creatures in Equestria... together at last!

The two most evil creatures in Equestria... together at last!

"Hey, neighbour! Wanna be friends... and escape with me into the cold, dark night?"

Tirek may have been a washed-up old has-been of a magic-guzzling evil sorcerer, but even he could sense something was amiss about the cutesy-poo new arrival who'd just been plunged into the accursed realm of Tartarus.

For starters, she was much too young to be imprisoned in a rusty metal cage, surely such a cruel and unusual punishment should be reserved for those who posed a dire threat to the safety of Equestria... like him, for example?

And who could accuse this cherubic pink filly of such a potentially nefarious crime? A far more peaceful scenario, such as playing dollies or hopscotch with her equally tooth-rottingly adorable friends would be a much likelier outcome for this seemingly innocent little sweetheart.

Maybe there was a mix-up during the latest prisoner transfer, Tirek thought somewhat smugly, relishing any fragment of fun he could get in this depressive, repressive environment . They must've grabbed a kid by mistake! Oh the hilarity! I can't wait to intimidate the poor darling, terrify her out of her wits! Because that's what I do to children, you see... being evil incarnate. Bwhahahaha "COUGH COUGH".

Sadly for the cackling and somewhat catarrh-ridden centaur, such frivolous notions of driving an angelic youngster to despair with a devastating mixture of ominous threats, scary faces and deeply personal remarks were destined to remain unfulfilled. For as soon as Luna and her guards disappeared through the magical portal from whence they came, that's when the true colours of the newly-imprisoned junior inmate began to emerge.

"Oh me, oh my... what am I to do? No magic for me, no magic for you." The high-pitched squeak of a voice that emanated from the young convict carried with it an almost foreboding quality, and this theory was further backed up by the creepy way she slowly turned to look Tirek right in his yellowish eyes. "So near, and yet so far. Still, as I always say, 'tomorrow is only a day away', and we can always try again to bend those wretched creatures to our will, can't we, pen-pal?"

All thoughts of reducing the pastel filly to a blubbering mess on the floor soon left Tirek as quickly as his godlike power had abandoned him after 'The Rainbow Squad' zapped his good self years earlier, and his bony jaw almost stretched a metre in length as he attempted to process what he'd just heard. "C-Cozy G-Glow? I-Is that you?"

"Abso-posi-lutely! So pleased to make your acquaintanceship, oh long-distance correspondence of mine!" Cozy Glow greeted the stunned centaur with a effusive bow, though whether it was a genuine one or not was impossible to say. "I would've hoped we might've met under better circumstances, with the entirety of Equestria under my control and you gratefully serving as my right-hoof lackey for helping me lead this world into a glorious new era. Alas, it was not meant to be... for now."

"I see." Tirek would never admit it, but even he was starting to feel a little daunted in the presence of this megalomaniacal child. Maybe she's in the right place after all. "Well, when I got your initial letters I naturally assumed that your interest in sucking the magic out of everything was purely foalish inquisitiveness, and your plans to take over Equestria was just imaginative role-playing. Of course, when the initial rumours about unicorns and alicorns unable to use their powers began to circle I began to suspect some connection, a fact later confirmed by all the mystical beasties around these parts losing their innate abilities as well. I am a bit shocked to discover what you look like in the flesh, though. I was expecting somepony a bit more..."

"Evil-looking? Rough-around-the-edges? Ugly-as-sin? Well, coming from someone as beautiful as you, Oh Inspirational Mentor Of Mine, I'll take that as the highest of compliments." Cozy spoke those words so sincerely her dimples seemed to glow in the meagre light filtering from above. "It's not easy looking this cute, especially when you have to spend hours under the hairdryer to give your curled mane just the right amount of bounce, or perfect the whimsical grin which is guaranteed to have everypony eating out of your hoof within seconds. Oh, the sacrifices I've made, trying to achieve my life's mission! It was nearly complete, it was nearly so sweet, if it hadn't been for those six insects getting in the way. Flies in my ointment, that's what they were."

"H-Hang on just a moment... if you're referring to Princess Twilight and her merry band of do-gooders, I can confirm they were stuck here for the duration of the magic drought. I don't think they would've made it back in time to stop you, either." It took great courage indeed for Tirek to contradict Cozy Glow at this point, as maniacal in her behaviour and delivery as she clearly was. "Also, I think you're forgetting about her tiny dragon friend, too. I'm not surprised about that, considering how unimportant he is in comparison to the rest, though he does seem to have sprouted a pair of wings since we last came to blows..."

"Oh Tirek, you big goofball!" Cozy Glow simpered in response to the centaur's extended musings, sounding a little like a sadistic alternate version of Pinkie Pie. "I'm not talking about the adults, I mean six of my fellow former students who foiled my flawless scheme on account of the 'special' bond they all share as many different species! How wonderfully moving! How positively touching! And when I have my supreme revenge, I'll make them eat it. All in one bite, without even any condiments. Hehehehehe!!"

If Tirek thought he'd cornered the market in dastardly chuckles, Cozy Glow was about to put him to shame once more, as her piercing laugh nearly caused the trembling centaur to turn a nice shade of white. "I-I see." He paled, attempting to turn away so he could disguise just how much she was getting to him. "W-Well, I wish you the best of luck with that. If I may be so bold as to point one thing out though, that may put a slight dampener on your ebullient mood..."

The warped filly stopped giggling up a storm long enough to regard Tirek with the same level of respect one might have for a speck of dirt under one's hoof. "Oh, and what might that be, pray tell?"

"You're in here, and they're out there... remember?" Tirek tried to keep any trace of triumphalism out of his observation. After all, he was in sort of the same predicament. Still, this cheeky upstart could do with being taken down a peg or two...

Apparently though, this wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Instead of being flummoxed by the centaur's cold take on reality, Cozy Glow simply began laughing with even more vigour than before. Soon she was rolling around in the small space her cage provided her with in hysterical tears, as a sweating Tirek waited in earnest to see what the reason might be to this latest bout of amusement.

"Oh, Mr Tirek! I can tell we're going to have some fun times together! Didn't you catch the first fourteen words I said to you, upon entering this stinky place? That stupid Luna, too much raising the moon every single night and feeling guilty about the past has made her weak and enfeebled! I waited for the precise moment to grab the bunch of keys for our cages just before she vanished, and by the time she eventually realises what's missing from her saddlebag, we'll be long gone! Never mind, though. I'm sure she'll soon recapture us... in her 'dreams'!! Get it?! Hehehehehe..."

Tirek blinked once, then twice very slowly, as if he couldn't quite believe what he'd just heard. "Do you mean to tell me..." He said with an undertone of incredulity. "That you currently have in your possession the keys that will free us from our confinement, which you managed to snatch from the Princess Of Night without her even seeing? I suppose this was part of your plan too all along, too? What kind of degenerate filly are you, to do all this and not break a sweat? I dread to think how your parents must've raised..."

"Hey!! I told you time and time again in my letters! Don't ever bring up my family! You got that, old man?!" Cozy Glow's mood abruptly changed from joviality to fury in an instant, and she glared the quaking centaur down until the question died on his tongue. "Now, are you going to make a break for freedom with me, or are you quite happy to spend what few remaining years you have sitting here watching the last of your grey hairs fall to the ground? I'm sure you have a few scores to settle on the outside, if you really think about it."

If you'd asked Tirek this question just the other day, the answer would be a total no-brainer. He would have his luggage packed in seconds (let's be honest though, his worldly possessions didn't amount to much) and he'd be there on the dock ready to leave when you were. But something about this disturbed filly, and the way she seemed so driven in her lunacy, gave him pause for more than a few second thoughts on the matter.

"U-Um, maybe?" The centaur gulped, wondering if there was a way you could let a Grade A nutcase down gently. "Believe it or not, you get kind of attached here after a while. You have so many animal friends to keep you company after all, and there's always a nice warm blast of air in the winter. Besides, aren't you overlooking one, or rather three small things? Just how do you expect us to get past Cerberus, and that door which can only be opened with magic? I believe, after yesterday's shenanigans, I'm fresh out..."

If Tirek expected Cozy Glow to give up on her 'impossible' venture there and then, he obviously hadn't been paying much attention. "What, that mutated, mangy mutt? Don't worry, I have something very special in mind for him, which involves the judicious application of a draught I keep prepared for such emergencies. Plus, in answer to your other question, you'd be surprised what you can smuggle out of the School Of Friendship if you're resourceful and ruthless enough! Finally, as for whether you should stay or go, I do believe you appear to be labouring under a misapprehension. Who gave you 'no' as an option...?"

Author's Note

Sorry, I just couldn't contain the plot bunnies. After watching the season finale, the idea for this fic would just not leave me alone. I had to write it out before the inspiration left me, so here we are.

I notice there are a few other villainous Cozy Glow stories floating around too, so I must not be the only one to feel the urge.

Anyway, hope you liked it. I now have to update at least two other fics before I add to this one: as always, how much I add to it depends on it's popularity. Well, bye for now! :raritywink: