Magical Medicine

by yellowbastion

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Changelings, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1243

You are Anonymous and you're in the hospital. How did it happen, who's taking care of you, and where are your pants?

Chapter 1
You are Anonymous and you're in the hospital. There was an incident and it was all Twilight's fault. In order to make it up to you, she wants to use magic to help set everything right. Lucky you!

Chapter 2+
There were demands for this story to be continued, so put on your big boy pants because this thing is going to get weird. Sometimes you are Anonymous the human, other times you may be someone else, in this second-person POV adventure. More backstory, more world building, more characters, and more snarky comments! Think of thing that you've never thought before!

My first published story.
Rated "Teen" for sexually suggestive themes, crass language, and profanity.
Updates whenever I come up with an idea for a chapter.

Published 2018-09-10 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-08 23:10:20 UTC

Chapter 1 Part 1

The main story

You are Anon. Thankfully, the only human in Equestria. Cool, suave, debonair man-about-town. Latin lover, and by the grace of God, Latino lover. It's late Summer. The sky is blue and the grass is green, or plaid when Discord becomes bored. You can hear birds doing bird things outside your window and you wish they would shut the hell up. You are currently resting in a cot in Ponyville Hospital and there is a haystack coloured pony wearing a Stetson talking to you.

Nurse glitter-something, you didn't get his name, had just picked up your diagnosis clipboard and trotted his way out of your room, leaving you alone with your favourite farm pony. "Just stay calm, Anon. Ya'll just lie back, now. Sometime these things just happen," Applejack said while she gently pushed you back down. "Twilight is working on a spell to fix everything." Well, second favourite farm pony. Applebloom was adorable. And Rainbow Dash didn't farm, let alone do any actual work.

You watched Applejack's deliciously kissable mouth move but you have no idea what she was talking about. You weren't sure in what way Twilight was supposed to fix everything. You didn't have the heart to tell any of the helpful horses that everything was fine. They were just trying to do their little horsey best in the horseiest way they knew how. You knew your own body like the back of your hand. Except for that one scar near the base of your thumb. You still don't know how you got that one. You were pretty sure that Pinkie Pie had something to do with it. And you were drunk at the time so that one totally doesn't count.

You are a human, not some hairless, damn dirty ape. Your body is supposed to be proportioned like it was. There was nothing that Princess magic-sparkle-whatever needed to fix. But then you figured out what they were talking about and quickly shut your god damned mouth.

You lay in the cot and remember back to yesterday morning. Worst princess, Celestia, had commissioned Twilight Sparkle, the mediocre princess, to gather census data from the border towns. Thinking back on it, you couldn't remember why she had picked you to help her and not Spike, or one of her friends, or just some random homeless pony off the street. Or how she even got you to agree to help her in the first place. You distinctly remember telling the purple bookworm 'no', repeatedly, often before she even opened her flapping noise hole. As it turns out, in Equestria, 'no' sometimes means 'yes' in the same way it does back home.

That morning you decided to get an extra hour of beauty sleep, not that you needed it but because you knew that people who woke up early were crazy, and were late for your early morning meeting with the Princess of Friendship. In your infinite wisdom you strategically planned to forgo breakfast and met Twipone at the crystal eyesore on the outskirts of Ponyville. The two of you then spent the day hauling papers, writing data, filing thing into folders, sorting the folders into boxes. Box it, ship it, pull it, pass it, bop it, on repeat for hour after hour.

Twilight had felt the need to schedule visiting every town into the same day. She probably did it on purpose in a desperate need to get back to what she loved the most, mentally abusing Spike. The spactic lavender nerd didn't schedule any breaks for snacks, second breakfast, lunch, brunch, tea, dinner, or tacos. Now, after teleporting the two of you around for most of the day, hardly staying in any place longer than half-an-hour, you fainted. Not from the casual blinking round in space-time, but from Twilight's stupidly jam packed schedule.

Here you are, twenty-two hours later. Your Adonis-like human psyque finally had enough of running on empty and collapsed from low blood sugar levels. Now you're hooked to an IV, recovering in the hospital, staring dumbfounded into this beautiful farm mare's emerald eyes as she tried her best to explain something ... truly amazing.

Prinnie Twinkle Spicket, in her infinite purple princess privilege, somehow got her grubby little hooves on a copy of your full body magic medical scans. She had decided that what she read in your charts should have not been what it was, though it be like it is 'cause it do. That, somehow, one or more of her multiple long-range teleports had caused a vanishing of body tissue and a not small amount cell damage.

When Doctor Horse told you what Twilight thought she had found, you definitely weren't worried. You just needed to stretch your legs, at full speed, in a direction anywhere but here. And you sure as shit weren't yelling or crying. Running takes a lot of endurance and you were probably just breathing hard and sweating lots. And if anyone says anything different they're lying.

One of the larger, definitely gay, male nurses had tackled you from behind like a coward, probably to grope your ass, and brought you back to your room and strapped you down to the bed. Your sudden and extreme need to excercise had spooked the locals so much they felt the need to take precautions you wouldn't start doing Tae Bo. Bondage was probably his fetish, if you had to guess.

The hulking beefcake of a nurse had left you alone with Applejack. With her soothing country accent lulling you into a false sense of security, you finally clue in as to what Twilight thought she found and her pending magical solution to fix everything. According to what Twilight thought she had discovered, your multiple rapid teleports had caused your, ahem, "colt parts", to become "damaged" and that they had "lost significant mass". Applejack was so cute when she blushed.

Carefully groping under your hospital gown had revealed that everything was the right size, where it should be, and functioned properly. At least as far as you could test without "summoning the trouser snake" in front of the freckled farm pony. You were going to save that for the honeymoon, stud.

But Twilight was dead-set on returning everything to its "original size", which, when directly compared to a pony stallion's wedding tackle, your manhood was no longer to-scale with the rest of your body. Twilight Sparkle, the alicorn of magic and Princess of Friendship, was creating a spell to give you a bigger dick and you just shut your stupid mouth for once and tried not to grin like an idiot.

This will all work out for the better. Magic was totally Twilight's thing. She was literally the Element of Magic. What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter 1 Part 2

The follow up

Everything went wrong.
Because if course it did.

"Help, my new penis is a gigantic monster!" You yell, still attached to your giant throbbing member as it smashes through yet another unfortunate pony's home. "That one was also your fault!"

Twilight was galloping along side, shooting magic bolts at the gigantic creature that was once your one-eyed gopher. "Anon, I can fix this! You just gotta hold it still!"

You were cool as a cucumber, as your mammoth gherkin rumbled down the road to its next target. "Hold still? Hold still!? I don't even know how I'm hanging on!"

Your name is Anon and you're apparently not allowed to have nice things.

Chapter 2 Part 1

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Chapter 2 Part 2

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Chapter 2 Part 3

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Chapter 2 Part 4

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Chapter 2 Part 5 (APRIL FOOLS)

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Chapter 2 Part 5

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Chapter 3

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Chapter 4

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Chapter 5 Part 1

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Chapter 5 Part 2

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Bonus: Chapter 1 Rule63 rewrite

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Chapter 5 Part 3

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Chapter 5 Part 4

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Chapter 5 Part 5

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Chapter 5 Part 6

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Chapter 5 Part 7

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Chapter 5 Part 8

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Chapter 5 Part 9

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Chapter 5 Part 10

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Chapter 6

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Chapter 7 part 1

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Chapter 7 part 2

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Chapter 7 Part 3

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Chapter 7 Part 4

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New Generation - Chapter 0

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New Generation - Chapter 1

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New Generation - Chapter 2

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New Generation - Chapter 3

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New Generation - Chapter 4

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New Generation - Chapter 5

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New Generation - Chapter 6

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New Generation - Chapter 7

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New Generation - Chapter 8

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New Generation - Chapter 9

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New Generation - Chapter 10

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New Generation - Chapter 11

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New Generation - Chapter 12

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