Chrysalis' Arch Nemesis

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Random
Length: 1162

Chrysalis visits the Friendship Castle. Starlight is there too. The writer has a seizure on the keyboard.

This is the epic journey and fight between two enemies. Two souls, fighting to the death, and willing to do anything to come out alive. Chrysalis and Starlight both know this. Both know that one of them won't be walking away from the battle.

Long ago, an overpowered unicorn mare named Starlight Glimmer did a thing. The Queen of the Changelings didn't like it. Perhaps it could have been settled through simple diplomacy, but arch nemeses never back down.

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Inspired by and honestly just ripping off Scootertrix the Abridged's humor by Jack Gettschman.

Published 2018-09-11 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-11 02:50:01 UTC

Breaking in to Break into Breaking out of a Broken Inn

Chrysalis cackled evilly. It was evil. Despite the fear wracking her nerves, Twilight considered this. What is evil? How does one define a subjective adjective as an objective fact? Furthermore, how can one cackle be characterized as evil, while another pure and innocent? The only difference, Twilight thought, is a variation in the shape of the sound waves. This was paraphrased, of course, because the purple unicorn was a sciolist most severe, and certain unnamed writers couldn’t ever hope to truly capture her vernacular.

Maybe there is a measurable correlation between the two sounds. Or, perhaps it’s a combination of intent and prior biases. If Princess Celestia was to laugh just as Queen Chrysalis does, most ponies would believe it to be a lighthearted chuckle. Twilight nodded to affirm her conclusion. Despite how these sort of thought processes usually take only mere moments in narrative time, at least seven minutes had gone by since the evil changeling started laughing here. She was actually still doing so, as a matter of fact, from a different part of the castle.

One of the first things that was discovered about the crystal house thing was that sound travelled with perfect clarity through the crystalline walls. If one was to mumble, from the far end of the castle, something suggestive involving a long running and tired crush on a white unicorn mare with curls that alliterated in the previous story — which is entirely a hypothetical situation — a pony just stepping through the entrance to the building would be able to hear it as if spoken to from a hoof away. Interestingly, attempting to deafen the sound would only amplify the effect by an order of magnitude, with most cumbersome attempts punished the most severely. This led to a rather unconventional rule disallowing deaf creatures within the castle walls after one unfortunate mare who had just recently lost all hearing claimed that she was made deaf a second time.

Erm, yes, that is quite a bit of rambling. Nonetheless, this story doesn’t actually have a goddamn thing to do with Twilight, nor the super mysterious double-deaf mare, crime fighter extraordinaire.

“No,” Chrysi narrated aloud, “this is the story of how I defeated my greatest enemy, my worst nightmare, the one who took everything away from me.” She stomped down a particularly uninteresting and unnoteworthy hall. Conveniently, at the end of said hall was a contrastingly fascinating door. Chrys-Cross body-slammed the portal. It was not very effective. The door used splash, but nothing happened.

Cranky Doodle Changeling then attacked with ripping the door off its hinges with magic. She let it go, whipping it behind her where it crashed through a series of walls before landing in a pool. It used splash. Beyond the new gaping hole was a simple bedroom. Along the walls, various portraits and images hung. A lone dresser pressed against the far side, a worn Trixie doll sitting atop it. The closet door stood slightly ajar beside it. Lastly, the center of the room was filled with a princess-sized bed, the covers undone and a slowly-waking unicorn under them. There was literally nothing else worth talking about in there, so shut up.

“Aha!” Chrysalis shouted. The pony shot up with a startled yelp and fell off the side of the bed. A set of previously nonexistent cardboard wings crumpled off her sides. She groaned from the floor.

Chrysalis benevolently crowed. “My arch nemesis, Sulfite Glassware! We meet again under the most unusual of circumstances, yes?” As if a switch was flicked, Starlight jumped to her hooves and glared defiantly at the changeling.

“Ah, yes,” she trailed off, staring into space. “Madam Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings and my arch nemesis, we meet again, yes?” Starlight playfully responded in malice, contradicting herself and causing a distant star to explode. She laughed humorlessly.

Chrysalis smirked. “Yes, we do meet again, Starlight Glimmer!” The background music paused as the pony stared at her strangely. Crickets chirped. A moment passed. “I mean Stoptrack Glassware!” The bass dropped and a guitar solo kicked off.

“Yesssss,” the unicorn hissed with narrowed eyes. The two circled each other for a few seconds. Like sharks.

With a flourish of her arm, the holed creature shouted, “Prepare to meet your doom!”

Starlight’s horn lit and a small travel suitcase flew through the mostly closed closet, maiming yet another innocent door. “Hah! Jokes on you; I packed last night and I don’t have any fluids over three ounces.” She smiled smugly. “What now, Chryssi?”

“Truly, Sporophyte Glisten — my arch nemesis — do you actually believe that I did not predict that you would predict my plan?”

Starlight gasped, “What‽” Her eyes widened. Chrysalis smiled and pulled out a small red slip of paper from her pocket.

“Prepare to meet your doom... by train! Mwahahaha!” She threw her head back and laughed.

The look of horror that had stricken Starlight’s face slowly faded into a knowing smile. “You fool. I, of course, determined beforehoof that you would know that I knew that you would strike today and I came prepared even for that. Now that you have played your hoof, it is time for me to play mine!” Maintaining the expression, she whipped out a first-class train ticket.

Chrysalis fell to her knees and balled her hooves in anger... somehow. “Noooo! My plans, all ruined!” Tears began leaking out of her eyes and her sobbing was heard throughout the castle. It quickly turned to maniacal laughter, though. “That is, if I hadn’t already known that you knew that I knew that you knew that I would do this!” Starlight grimaced.

“Take this!” Chrysalis shoved a piece of paper into her enemy’s face that was rapidly scoured. Starlight’s mood diminished as she read.

“You monster! How could you do that thing that is on this paper that I won’t describe aloud‽” she shouted.

“Because I’m your arch nemesis!”

“No! Curse you, Queen Susan Francisca Chrysalis III, my most arch of arch nemesies!”

Spike popped into the room because why the fuck not. “It’s actually spelled ‘nemeses’. It’s the plural of ‘nemesis’.” He left as quickly as he came. Gross.

Starlight fell to the ground and flailed her legs about. “Oh, Celestia! My second worst arch nemeseses: grahamerr!”

Chrysalis gave her most evil laugh yet. “Mwahahaha!”

“Gah, even your evil laughs are better than mine...”

And then the story ended or whatever. Like, what the fuck is this shit. I have no idea what I just wrote. Nobody should read this. Chrysalis nodded at the narrator and agreed wholeheartedly.

Author's Note

I'm sorry you had to read this.

Seriously. Go see a doctor.

I spent more time finding an image for this story than actually writing it and I did far more editing on the story summary.

[Edit: 9/11/2018] I decided to actually go through this and edit it. Sorry.