Author's Note
For all those that didn't read the disclaimer in the summary. Just in case:
This story contains the highly controversial topic of Total Power Exchange (or TPE) in which an individual decides to give full control over his or her life to someone else, making them a voluntary slave to their master. There will be no sex in this story. But it will still get an M rating due to the mature nature of the topic itself. If you are by any means appalled by such topics then DO NOT READ this story. And also please do not dislike it simply for the reason that you don't like this topic. You have been warned.
The Question
Bum, bum
My heart is pounding.
Bum, bum
Like the sound of unrelenting drums announcing certain doom.
Bum, bum
Why? Why did I do this? What has gotten into me to dare asking something like this?
BUM, BUM
I can see the shock in Master's eyes. I want to run. I want to hide. It would even be better if Master screamed at me for my insolence. But there is only silence. A cruel silence that screams in my ears only broken by the loud, pulsing drums.
BUM, BUM
My own words from just a second ago buzz like an angry swarm of hornets in my mind.
"Master... do you love me?"
My eyes shoot open as a very displeasing sound fills my ears and I am quick to silence the alarm with a swift movement of my hoof. A few moments I just lie there in my small, dark chamber. The sun would not rise for another hour but that wasn't my main concern. Even though I was very much aware that it would be very unlikely to happen I strained my ears against the silence to see if my alarm caused Master's sleep to be disturbed.
My heart pounds in my chest so that I'm afraid it could just futter out and escape at any moment now, prompting me to put my other hoof over it. Oh Luna, I could actually feel it beating through my fur.
After a few moments of nothing breaking the silence I let out a soft breath in relief and shake my head with an amused smile on my lips. How long was it now that I began serving under Master? Has it actually been this long already? And every single day I wake up to this strange ritual of mine. Never once did Master show any sign of being disturbed in the slightest by my alarm. It was ridiculous really. After all Master's bedroom wasn't even close to my small chamber.
Sliding out of bed I am greeted by an oh so familiar chiming and look down to see the silver name tag on my collar. The wonderful warmth of joy and purpose fills my heart and I smile.
After making my bed and walking out of my small chamber I head for the kitchen to prepare another healthy breakfast for Master. After all a good slave is responsible for their Master's wellbeing and a nice freshly made breakfast never fails to bring a smile to Master's face.
I sigh happily.
Seeing Master smile and approve of my work is one of the most wonderful feelings there is. The only thing even better is when Master praises me or feeling Master's hoof running through my mane. Or-
Blinking, I notice that my day dreaming once more almost got me into trouble as I stand in front of Master's room, my hoof already lifted to push it open. I feel heat rushing to my cheeks as I quickly pull it back again.
Stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I chide myself in my mind and silently turn around to finally head to the kitchen and actually start preparing breakfast. I mean... it was only natural that I want to be close to Master, no? Master takes care of me and gives me reason. So it was only right that I feel drawn to Master. Yes. That has to be it.
Reaching the kitchen I walk over to the fridge to check its contents, only to notice that we are running low on some of Master's favorites. I would have to go to the market later and restock.
Another sigh makes it past my lips as I realize that I would have to go outside. I don't like going outside.
Ponies...
Ponies just don't understand me and my decision. So they react in the only way they apparently know. The glances... the open stares and glares... the whispering. It isn't hard to figure out that they disapprove of my very existence.
But the worst... is when they insult Master. Master is a great pony and doesn't seem to mind other ponies' words but I am not like this. They hurt me and they make me so angry I want to scream. But Master forbade it. I'm not allowed to act out against or even berate others that insult Master. Master always would say that it is unbecoming of a slave like me.
And it's true.
Shaking my head I take out a few ingredients and start preparing a simple meal of eggs and beans. Master preferred simple. Not that I would mind since simple is usually easier but... when I once followed the urge to treat Master and cooked a three-course menu Master didn't complain. But Master didn't praise me either... It was a clear sign that Master didn't approve and I felt horrible afterwards.
A small smile comes to my lips again as I think about the ways I could actually treat Master and were very much approved. A hot bath when Master comes home from work or simply me being there and welcoming Master home never failed to make Master happy. And the rare times Master called me for a massage...
Again I feel the heat rush to my cheeks and I allow it as I dream of touching, of letting my hooves roam and find the sore spots. Hearing Master's relaxed groans as I massage them gently to ease the tension. I feel a shiver running down my spine and my tail twitch and I realize where my thoughts are about to go. I quickly shake my head to dissolve the image of Master's body beneath my hooves. Because I know exactly where this train of thought would have ended up going.
I can't deny that I fantasized about it happening. That I dreamt about it and that my sheets always ended up a mess when I did. And Master knew. After all this was Master's house and every time I have to wash my sheets out of schedule...
A soft groan echoes through the kitchen as embarrassment overwhelms me.
Master would never outright say it or even take note of it openly. Sometimes... I wonder...
My gaze slowly lowers when I once again feel the familiar claws of doubt around my heart. Slaves were supposed to be used. In every way. I entered this relationship knowing full well what would probably await me but... Master never once... invited me to bed.
The only times I get to enter Master's room at all is in the morning for the wake up call and then after Master left to tidy up and clean the room. It's not like Master doesn't show me affection at all but those times were limited to gentle petting or sometimes cuddling on the couch.
My heart aches and I clench my teeth. I should be happy. Master takes very good care of me, gave me a wonderful home and is very nice to me. Yet... I feel myself craving more. I know that I'm not really the best looking pony out there but... am I really this ugly? Does Master not want to share a bed with me because I'm not good enough?
Once more I am quickly broken out of my musings when I feel a single tear running through my fur and once more I strongly shake my head to clear it.
No. Master cares for me. Master loves me.
Right?
I am feeling great. After having woken Master in my usual fashion and reporting what needed to be done around the house after breakfast I got not only Master's praise but also permission to buy something nice for myself as a reward! O~h the possibilities!
With a giddy spring in my step I left the house after completing my morning chores and cleaning Master's room, the nametag on my collar complimenting my mood wonderfully with its gleeful chiming. Not even the usual glances can drag me down as I make my way towards the market, carrying a set of saddlebags for the groceries and other things I would need to buy. In order for me to be able to buy something for myself Master gave me a bit of extra money this time and I just can't help but feel really important right now due to it. After all I don't have any money myself so for Master to show such incredible trust in me makes me really happy.
Allowing myself to hum happily I try to imagine what I would buy for myself when I suddenly overhear something that causes me to almost trip. All of my former joy instantly gone.
"Look at the freak. Someone finally got laid it seems."
My ears instinctively fold down to block out the cruel laughter that follows as I keep my gaze firmly on the ground in front of myself. I quickly attempt to just walk away but only after a few steps I suddenly feel a sharp pain racing up my spine, forcing a gasp out of my throat. Stopping my ears shoot up in alarm and I hear the laughter again, this time coming from behind me and I quickly whirl around to come to face with three large stallions.
Shying away and once more folding my ears down I try to appear as non-threatening as possible. This was a new level of hostility. Sure there were the glares and insults but never did any pony actually dare to lay hoof on me, even less pull at my tail. After all it is highly inappropriate and counts as sexual harassment.
Taking another step back I am flooded with relief when the group of stallions look at each other and walk away, still laughing, and I turn around again to continue my way towards the market. When I make the mistake though to let my ears rise again I hear the whispers. Whispers that are harsher... colder... more cruel than usual. Whispers that speak of how I would probably have liked it if the stallions had advanced on me. Would have wanted them to drag me into an alley and... do bad things to me. Because I was a freak like that.
Feeling tears burning in my eyes I struggle to stay calm and collected. No I won't give them the satisfaction of having gotten to me. I mustn't. Because if I ever let them see that they can hurt me... they will never stop. Just like the foals back in school. Just like... everypony else.
Pushing the incident to the far corner of my mind I tell myself over and over again to focus on my task and go back to considering what I would buy myself. Maybe I should get something to protect myself? I quickly discard the idea. It won't do since it would immediately show them that they actually did get to me.
Sighing I resort to simply concentrate on my shopping list and check from memory if I would need to get anything else. Before I knew it I arrive at the market, only the groceries on my mind. The familiarity of walking over the market, going from stand to stand and exchanging pleasantries with the shop keepers having a calming effect on my nerves it doesn't take long until I'm actually smiling again.
Of course I'm not so oblivious to not know that the owners of the shops are only polite because they want Master's money but it is still nice... not being openly judged.
Ponies... have a bad attitude towards everything concerning slavery, voluntarily or not. Which isn't really that surprising after what happened with the tyrant king. But why can't they just let me live my life like I want to? I don't judge them for their choices so why do they?
Blinking, I notice that I am standing in front of a shop selling melons for quite some time, glaring at one especially big one and very likely looking like a complete fool. I feel myself blush in embarrassment and quickly hurry away to the opposite end of the large square and finish my task without getting distracted again.
My saddlebags heavy with groceries and necessities I leave the market. I tried to find something I would like to get for myself but I just wasn't able to decide on something. I always had this problem. Being indecisive to the point where it was just so much better to be told what I should settle on by others. Of course I only found out later in my life that it was directly linked with my desire to actually have someone decide for me, decide over me. Master never really liked just how far this went and I think this reward might be one of the tests set up to get me to decide at least something small. If so... then I just failed miserably... again.
How I hate to disappoint Master.
Maybe I really should head back and just get a bell for my collar? I always liked the chiming of my name tag so maybe something that would jingle to compliment it would be nice?
Nodding to myself and my mind set I turn around, fully intending to go back to the market when I suddenly run into something. Startled I stagger backwards, only to lose my balance and fall on my behind, letting out a small "oof". Luckily the saddlebags are firmly secured on my back and nothing spills out though cold fear grips me when I hear the same laughing as hours ago when I was heading towards the market. I quickly look around only to notice that my day dreaming once again managed to get me into trouble as I had walked right into an alleyway to get home faster. Right into the waiting hooves of the same stallions that had harassed me before.
I can feel my fear growing into panic, choking me and making it impossible for me to even utter a single sound.
"I thought we made it clear earlier that you aren't wanted around here."
One of the stallions, apparently the leader of the group, breathed right into my face. A foul odor hits me and I have trouble not to gag. I smell alcohol beneath a thick layer of stink and can't help but think how uncouth it is to be drunk at such a time of the day. After all the sun is still high in the sky. But those thoughts are violently interrupted by a sharp pain in my right cheek, my head snapping to the side from the force of the hoof hitting me and I involuntarily let out a strained yelp.
I don't dare to look back at the one who struck me and again feel tears burning in my eyes.
"What's up? Too pathetic to fight back? Eh?"
Someone grabs my jaw and forces me to look at the leader again, but I avert my gaze and stay silent. Only to get another punch right into my face. This one being harder and making me fall to my side, forcing a scream of pain out of my cramped up throat.
I taste blood.
"ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU SOMETHING!"
Defiantly, I remain quiet. Not that I really could bring out a single word in that moment even if I tried. Only a moment later I get the air forced out of my lungs by a buck to my gut that pushes me back against the wall of a house. I would cry out in pain but I just can't. My vision is growing blurry and I can't understand what the leader is screaming anymore. Maybe I hit my head too hard on that wall? Though it doesn't matter as another kick causes white dots to appear in front of my eyes. I just curl up... and cry until I pass out.
When I come back to my senses the first thing I notice is pain. My entire body... is in pain. The next thing is my body shaking though I have trouble to remember what happened. Why was I in pain? I open my eyes to a badly lit alley and quickly realize that it must already almost be time for the sun to set. Master would soon return from work and if I didn't hurry I wouldn't be there to welcome Master at home.
Groaning in pain I struggle against my sore body though the moment I try to push myself up there is a white hot pain shooting through my left foreleg and I let out a sharp cry as dots flash in front of my eyes. It was then that the strangest thought hit me. Didn't I see those dots already today?
Quickly discarting the thought I look down to check my leg and suck in a startled breath through my teeth. It is bent in a place where forelegs really shouldn't do that. Why? Why do I wake up being in pain and having a broken leg?
Gathering all bravado and strength I could muster I clench my teeth and in one go push myself up onto three legs, keeping my left foreleg off the ground. All around me were smashed groceries... my saddlebags, torn beyond repair, lying in the middle. I feel tears run down my cheeks freely as I numbly move to pick them up with my teeth. I notice that I am missing some in that moment but I can't let that stop me.
I... I have to go home... so Master wouldn't be sad that I'm not there to welcome Master at home.
Yes... that is really important. I could just... explain what happened and then go and get the groceries tomorrow. After all we are running low on some of Master's favorites.
With my mind set I start to hobble home. I try to remember what happened but all that comes to me is a bell... I wanted to get a bell... for my collar. But what happened after that?
I'm crying the whole time on my way home, having given up somewhere along the way to figure out what happened. I can't really move right so it takes me so long... almost too long. But I make it. I arrive at home and open the door. Wiping my hooves on the doormat before entering since it won't do to get all that dirt inside. Entering I put my saddlebags off to the side and sit down, facing the door. I regret that I don't have the time to clean myself up properly but Master should be home any moment.
I can go take a bath after I welcome Master home.
Just as I predicted it takes only a few moments for the door to slowly open. I smile politely and bow my head.
"Welcome home, Master"
Yes. All I need to see is Master's smile. Then everything will be alright. I just know it. So I lift my gaze after bowing for an appropriate amount of time but what I see is only shock and horror. My smile fades and the weight of what happened to me... as well as the memories... suddenly come crashing down on me. And I cry... I feel myself break... I can't take it anymore as my legs give and I fall.
But I don't hit the ground.
I can feel hooves wrapped around me. Strong legs holding me close as I weep. But still... there was this pain. Not a physical pain but my heart is hurting. I just... I can't hold it back any longer. After struggling against my own hiccups and whines I finally ask the question that has been haunting me for so long.
"Master...
do you love me?"
