Equestria's Swift King of Coffins

by gundamexia34

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Persona, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Adventure, Sonic the Hedgehog, Sex, Profanity, Violence, Slice of Life, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthro, Main 6
Length: 4718

So here I was, a factory worker with next to no good prospects for the future. Then I got contacted by none other than the vampiric troll king, Zelretch himself! He offered me an out, who was I to say no?

A factory worker with no future and a bored dimension hopping vampiric troll. Two beings who would have never met by anything but a sheer 1000000 to 1 chance.
The chances of said vampiric troll taking an interest were just as low.

Yet somehow, despite all odds, I caught the attention of Kischur Zelretch Shweinorg, the master of the kaleidoscope magic. And rather than troll me, he decided to help me. He gave me a chance to start over, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Though he could have told me what was in these coffins!

Published 2018-09-13 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-18 00:28:41 UTC

Chapter 2

Honestly, the introduction to the townsfolk could have gone better. Everyone was nervous except for a certain mint green unicorn.

“HUMAN!” She exclaimed and lunged at me. I brought my coffins forward into a wall on instinct and she slammed into them. I didn't like the look in her eyes so I skated out of there!

I dunno for sure who started laughing first as she chased me around the plaza, but my money is on Pinkie. Eventually, BonBon stepped in and grabbed Lyra by the ear.

“For goodness sake Lyra, stop harassing him! Your acting like an animal in heat!” She said, dragging her away to the sound of hysterical laughter.

After that whole embarrassing debacle, the ponies were pretty quick to warm up to me. After all, it’s hard to be afraid of someone when you just saw them running away from a single pony for five straight minutes.
After a little time spent socializing, the issue of where I was going to stay popped up. Fluttershy didn't have the room, and neither did Rarity, Pinkie, or Twilight. Rainbow could have set up a room in “5 seconds flat" as she said before I burst her bubble by reminding her that I couldn't walk on clouds. She tried to see if Twilight could solve the problem, but her cloud walking spell only lasted a couple of hours.

Thankfully, Applejack came to the rescue by saying I could stay with her, though I would have to sleep in the barn. I certainly didn't mind, as it would be a new experience for me. With that settled, she led the way to Sweet Apple Acres.

Like my introduction to the townsfolk, my first meeting with Granny Smith (who couldn't really have left the farm due to health problems) could have gone better. She screamed and started panicking, saying that she “wasn't ready to join her son and his wife just yet!”
Thankfully, Winona turned out to have been trained by Fluttershy to be a service dog (who knew) and managed to make Granny recognize her presence long enough for Applejack to calm her down and explain things. After that, she apologized and explained that she thought I was the reaper due to my coffins. In return, I explained that they were my wings and that each one had something random inside.

“Oh, oh, oh! Can you show us, pleeeease?” Applebloom asked with the cutest expression on her face.

“Grk! Alright, alright! Just please stop with that face, it's too cute for my heart to handle!” I replied, getting everyone to laugh a little. “Anyway, if I’m going to open one, I'd rather do it in a place where collateral damage won’t be a concern.”

And that's how we ended up at a nearby section of the property that they had planned to expand onto but was blocked by several large rocks. Bracing myself for anything, I brought the farthest right coffin down and slowly opened it pointing away from anyone. When nothing happened, we have a collective blink and I cautiously approached.

As soon as I saw what was inside, I sagged in relief for more than one reason. Inside was a series of shelves with copies of my outfit to change into every day or if one gets dirty.

“Awww!” Applebloom said in disappointment. Said disappointment was somewhat lessened after shutting the lid because the coffin glowed before the number 01 was carved onto the back. I guessed that that's how I’d be able to tell which coffin held what.

After that, I was invited to dinner. And though it was weird having apple pie for a meal, you certainly wouldn't hear me complaining. Then I was led out to the barn, given a blanket and pillow, and wished a good evening.

I had to admit, there was something about the smell of hay bales that was oddly relaxing. That plus the view from the skylight above the second floor was bringing back memories of the time spent on the family farm before my parents died and my uncle took over. My mom, dad and I would sometimes just sit lay on the hay and watch the stars.

With a small smile of fond remembrance, I entered the realms of dreams.

Chapter 3

I woke with the sun, as is my habit most days. Stretching, I went to stand, only to stare in confusion at my surroundings. It took a few minutes for my mind to wake up enough that it could remind me of what happened yesterday. I briefly wondered why I never freaked out about any of this, then I realized that it was simply because of the almost nonexistent connection I had to my old life. If you don't really have anything to hold you to something, you can't really freak out about losing it.

Nodding my head in resolution and putting it out of my mind, I finally registered the sound of voices.

“I thought you said he’d be in here, Applebloom?” A voice said quietly.

“Yeah, I’m going to be in enough trouble as it is for sneaking out of the boutique this early. If I don't get to see this ‘Heero Yui’ and get his picture for our reporter cutie marks, I am going to throw you under the cart!” A second voice spoke up at an equally low volume.

“This is where we left him last night, so he has to be in here somewhere. Come on!” A voice that I recognized as Applebloom’s replied.

At this point, I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. Time for a little mischief.

Dropping down from the second floor and using my Air Shoes to silence my landing, I snuck over and slammed the door of the barn shut. Then I flew up before the 3 fillies I caught a glimpse of could spot me and shut the skylight, leaving the barn in total darkness.

“What the hay?!” One of them cried out.

“Applebloom if this is your idea of a joke then it isn't funny!” Another called.

Smirking as Arthur's Devil powers included Night Vision, I put a few of my random skills from YouTube to use and let out sounds from one of the most terrifying creatures in fiction.

[A/N: Play in background]

After each sound, I would move up a new location in the barn, making the fillies freak out even more as they went back to back, thinking they were surrounded. Smirking even wider, I made my eyes glow red and slammed into the ground front of Applebloom making them yelp and back away in fear.

I let an aura of dark energy surround me and spread my coffins wide menacingly. Then I roared!

The fillies panicked and let out shrill screams, making me fall on my back laughing as the door slammed open to reveal Applejack and Big Macintosh.

As Applejack ran over to her sister, I was rolling on the floor with mirth.

“You...You should have seen your faces! Hahaha!” I said as the fillies calmed down before Applejack asked what happened.

As I was explaining how I had pranked the fillies when they snuck in, Big Mac was giving the three a firm talking to about sneaking around and asking what they were thinking.

“We were trying to get cutie marks in reporting by taking a picture of Heero and writing a story about how he got here like he explained last night. I’d write, Scootaloo would take the photo, and Sweetie Belle would edit and check for spelling mistakes.” Applebloom explained sheepishly while rubbing her arm. The other two looked equally embarrassed.

“You three are more trouble than you're worth sometimes.” Applejack said with a sigh, “That said, I think that the scare Heero gave you was more than enough of a punishment. Now get going, except you Applebloom, you’ve got chores to do.”

“Aww Crabapples.” the specified filly said as she slumped and sulked out of the barn.

I chuckled as I turned back to Applejack.

“So, need any help? I grew up on a farm, so it would be pretty nice to get back into it.” I asked, getting a blink.

“Umm, sure why not? We could always use an extra hand. Just so long as you don’t use magic or fly. It’s a tradition.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac confirmed with a nod.

Kicking the trees to get the apples down was annoying. After the first one, I decided not to mess with it and helped by bringing out a second cart I had spotted in the barn. When it came time to harvest the wheat though…
“What in the name of Faust is that?!” Applejack exclaimed as I summoned Caliburn.

“It's a sword. What did you think it was, a baseball?” I said jokingly.

“That is not a sword. That is a metal tree with an edge.” She deadpanned back.

“Eeyup.” Two guesses as to who said that, and the first one doesn't count.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s just a little longer than a normal sword, so what?” I continued to joke while taking a few practice swings, “Now, let’s see, how much should we gather? The carts can only hold so much.”

After they got over the shock, we cleared just enough for about 20 bales of hay. Wrapping said bales by hand was different but interesting, and we finished roughly around noon.

“Yee-haw! Way to go everyone! Especially you Heero, without your help we’d only be about halfway done!” Applejack said.

“Ah come on, it was nothing. Just doing what I can to help earn my keep, and the fact I had fun didn’t hurt.” I replied.

“What now Sis?” Applebloom asked.

“Now you all go off and enjoy your free time.” Granny Smith said from her chair on the porch. “You worked hard, so go have fun.”

“Awesome! Hey Heero, what are you going to do?” Applebloom asked.

“Well, I wanted to take a look around town. I figure that it's better to get lost on purpose now and learn from it than to have it happen at a bad time.” I explained.

“Well, it’d be even better if you didn't get lost at all. How about we give him a tour Sis?” She said to Applejack.

“Now that sounds like a good idea. Wanna join us, Mac?” Said mare asked her brother, who shook his head.

“Nope. I got something else in mind.” The aforementioned stallion replied.

The tour started as soon as we walked out of the gate, with Applejack stopping us while Big Mac went to do what he wanted.
“Well, as you probably already know, Sweet Apple Acres specializes in growing some of the best apples you’ll taste in Equestria. We’ve been here since Ponyville was first founded.” She said before gesturing for me to follow.

Applebloom and her sister led me through the town at a leisurely pace. I noticed a few ponies that I recognized, but one pony, in particular, seemed very interested in me. A stallion called Doctor Whooves.

I figured it was simple curiosity until he asked me a single question while the girls were distracted by Pinkie at Sugar Cube Corner.

“Why am I picking up 5 different dimensional frequencies from you?” He asked this after scanning me with a very familiar object.

“Holy shit!” I said under my breath, “So the stories were true, you really are The Doctor?!”

“Yes, now answer the question.” His Sonic Screwdriver started to whine in a menacing manner.

“Geez man, chill the hell out! Zelretch-”

“Stop! Say no more, that name alone answers almost any and all questions I had.” He said while putting away his device and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I should really get around to memorizing his signature so I can recognize his antics on sight.”

“To be fair, he did help me out. I was living a dead-end life with no hope of it getting any better. I can start over here and not worry about much of anything.”

“I wouldn't say that. Your presence has destabilized the time-space barrier of this universe. As is, someone would have to specifically been monitoring it to notice. But if it keeps weakening, then it might catch the attention of someone or something...Unpleasant to say the least.”

I shuddered. I had a feeling that if said beings came I might need some help. And since I wasn’t sure if I could find any tokens here, I asked how to re-strengthen the barrier.

“The only way I can think of it to provide an anchor point, perhaps several. An object, place, or person that the barrier can latch onto and draw power from. The problem is that it would take an absolutely massive amount of energy to do so, and it would need to be very hard to destroy.” He explained.

“Then why not use the sun, not just this galaxy's but several different ones. They're damn near impossible to destroy even with magic, and even if they die they still produce a ton of energy as black holes which are impossible to destroy period as far as I’m aware.” I asked, getting him to raise a finger and open his mouth to speak before he stopped and thought about it.

“It could work. Though you do understand that it would be incredibly dangerous.”

“Wouldn't you essentially respawn on the TARDIS?”

“No, I ‘respawn' where I die. And there's not really any guarantee that I will.”

“Dammit, how are we gonna do it?”

“I said it was dangerous, not that I wouldn’t do it. Now then, I must be off!”

With that, he turned and walked away just as the Apple siblings came back.

“Sorry about that Heero, Pinkie was apparently feeling extra chatty today for some reason.” Applebloom said while her sister nodded.

“Nah, it’s fine. I had a rather interesting conversation with Dr. Whooves.” I replied.

“What about?”

“Oh, just this and that. Now, where to next?”

Chapter 4

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Prologue

‘UGH! I hate my job!’ I thought as I opened the door to my apartment. 5 hours, 5 HOURS of unpaid overtime all because some idiot in the janitorial department thought he knew better than us and messed with the machines. And the worst part? The bastard didn’t even get more than a scolding you could tell he ignored! Damn him and damn his connections!

Clicking on my lights, I sighed as I checked the fridge and found it empty except for a two liter of soda. It was damn near midnight, so none of the places close enough to deliver were open. It looked like I’d have to go hungry tonight. Grumbling to myself, I went to take a shower, only to find that the water heater was acting up again, leaving me with ice cold water.

Wanting to scream in rage but not disturb the neighbors, I finished my shower and went to my computer. It seemed that at least some things would be going my way today since it booted up without issue and the communal wifi was running at full bars.

Hopping on to my preferred IM service, I have a small smile as I saw a fellow maintenance man online. Quickly opening a room and inviting him, the conversation began.

SpringerWrench (Me): Yo.
HammerClang3: ‘Sup?
SpringerWrench: Nothing but frustration. The fridge is empty, Water Heater is out, and I am too tired from that stupid overtime to fix it.
HammerClang3: Ouch. Yeah, that idiot needs to pay. I hear that the Johnson twins are plotting a solid revenge prank.
SpringerWrench: Warn them to be careful. The dude got in on connections, and it's only by the grace of God that said connections didn't have him replace our boss.
HammerClang3: Yikes. I’ll pass on the message.
Zelretch-the-Infinite: Did someone mention pranks?

I jumped at the last message, as he had somehow joined a private room. I tried to kick him, only to find the option missing.

Zelretch-the-Infinite: Now that's not very nice, and here I was about to help you get back at the jerk who ruined your day.
HammerClang3: …
HammerClang3: Let’s hear him out.
SpringerWrench: Agreed, do go on.
ZeltrechtheInfinite: What if I told you that I could humiliate him to the point where he’ll be sent to the funny farm? All you have to do is play a game with me.
HammerClang3: What kind of game?
Zelretch-the-Infinite: Pick three fictional items belonging to three different characters. Then choose the one you would like to look like out of the three characters, before naming a world. If I find it interesting enough, I may even give you a little surprise on top of pranking the idiot.
SpringerWrench: Sounds like fun. What do you think man?
HammerClang3: Nuh-Uh, Nope! I’m out. I just figured out where I’ve seen his name before. I’d rather not.
Zelretch-the-Infinite: Fine then, just don’t spoil the surprise.
*HammerClang3 Left The Room*
SpringerWrench: Alright, just give me a few minutes to make my choices.

I had to think hard about my choices before I decided that I wanted an offensive, defensive, and evasive item. I knew what was coming. I knew who this was. And I had a good guess as to what the surprise was. But I honestly didn't care. I was working a dead end, high-risk job with minimal health coverage and very little hazard pay; living alone in a cheap apartment in a relatively bad neighborhood; and I had no family that I was willing to claim a relation to.

So tell me, if you had this chance, would you take it?

SpringerWrench: Alright, I choose Shadow the Hedgehog’s Air Shoes, Arthur's Caliburn from Highschool DxD, and Thanatos’s Coffin Wings from Persona 3. I’d like to look like Arthur, and for a world, I’ll go with...Equestria.
Zelretch-the-Infinite: Definitely an odd combination. But I am most certainly intrigued.
SpringerWrench: Just one request if you send me away. Let me see the prank and its results.
Zelretch-the-Infinite: Can do. When you go to work tomorrow, make sure to have a video camera ready.

I followed Zelretch advice and pulled my phone out when the idiot opened the supply closet. He let out a startled yelp as a gray cloud went off in his face. He started sneezing and stumbling back, before tripping on a rope and tumbling towards a hook on the conveyor going up. The hook caught him by his pants and underwear and hauled him 4 feet up for an atomic wedgie before the cloth ripped and he fell on his feet. He was smiling before he noticed us all laughing. His pants and underwear had fallen, revealing his...Shortcomings.
Mortified, he ran as fast as he could to the bathroom only to trip and fall, landing on top of a passing female coworker and groping her.

She screamed and slapped him, and before the day was out he was arrested for indecent exposure and sexual harassment.

I could barely keep myself steady from my efforts to keep from laughing. My boss saw me recording it and, assuming I was responsible, fired me. But it didn't matter. After this, I wouldn't need the job anymore.

Just as I finished cleaning out my locker, I got a text from Zelretch to meet him out back.

“Good to see you in person.” The old vampire said as he stood from where he was leaning against the wall.

“I must say that it’s an honor to meet you. I can appreciate a solid trolling and you sir, are a master troll! That prank on the idiot was just…” I replied, finishing with a mind blown gesture.

“Oh, stop. That was nothing. If you really want to see me cut loose then you should see my wars with...Well, actually, you shouldn't see it. You’d likely get caught in the crossfire.” Zelretch said with a chuckle. “Right then, down to business.”

With a wave of his hand, my chosen items appeared on the ground. The wings had 10 coffins and were attached to some armored shoulder pads, and the shoes were sleek, round, and more in line with a pair of dress shoes rather than sneakers. Turning with a raised eyebrow, I saw Zelretch shrug.

“The wings will be detachable this way. And if you're going to look like Arthur you're going to wear a suit, so sneakers aren't exactly appropriate.” He explained, making me nod in understanding.

With another wave of his hand, I felt myself shift. It wasn't painful, but definitely a little disconcerting. Looking in a nearby darkened window, I saw not myself, but my chosen character outfit and all. Feeling the concrete beneath my feet, I looked down and saw my shoes were gone. I was quick to don the slightly modified Air Shoes, then I put the black spaulders on and fastened the straps. The second the straps were done up, the coffins began to float and encircle me.

I picked up Caliburn, noting that it felt perfectly balanced in one hand despite its ridiculous length. A magic circle appeared on both ends before coming together and forming a single circle that shrunk and grafted itself onto the back of my hand.

Smiling, I turned back to Zelretch. I was prepared and more than willing to get on my way.

“One more thing, since you gave me such a wonderful target for a prank and were willing to be ‘displaced’ as I believe the term is, I’ve decided to give you another small present. Inside a pocket dimension keyed to your soul, there are 20 coffins that can be interchanged with the ones currently on the chains making 30 in total. Every coffin, even the ones you're now wearing, has something different in it. It could be anything from a mundane spoon all the way up to a portal to another dimension! However, I haven't labeled a single one, so have fun trying to remember what's in which one!”

Before I got the chance to respond, another wave of his hand opened a portal beneath my feet and I was sent tumbling through the void.

Chapter 1

Not even a minute after I was flung into the void, I was sent through a second portal and found myself still tumbling, this time through what I could only assume was the Equestrian skies. As soon as this registered, the coffins flared and went practically horizontal and brought me to a stop.

Looking down (and it's a damn good thing I’ve never been afraid of heights) I saw the Castle of the Two Sisters. There was a town a little bit to the east, so I reoriented myself and the coffins came as close as the could and flattened against me to be streamlined as my Air Shoes provided an extra boost.

[PoV: Rainbow Dash]
So there I was, laying on a cloud trying to slip in a few extra hours of sleep when someone blows through my ‘bed' and shreds it! I started flapping and got myself straight again, then took off after what I thought was a pegasus trying to be funny.

As I got closer, I started to make out that it was not a pegasus. It had 10 sides and was almost round. There were flames coming from behind it, so I figured it was some type of meteor. But I was more concerned about where it was heading...Straight for Ponyville!

I started to pick up the pace and got ahead of it a little. I was going as fast as I could but could barely keep up! Only one option left then.

I pushed myself even harder until I pulled off a Sonic Rainboom.

[PoV: ?]
I was getting pretty close to my destination when I heard what seemed like an explosion and was knocked into a spin by a wave of colors. Only one thing I could think of to cause that, so it looks like I ran into Rainbow Dash by mistake. Oops.

[PoV: Twilight Sparkle]
I was reading when I heard an explosion, followed by glass breaking and a loud crash from the ground floor. Spike and I ran downstairs and saw a broken window and several shelves knocked over with books all over the floor. From one of the piles, Rainbow emerged rubbing her head.

“Rainbow are you alright?! What happened?” I exclaimed as I helped her up.

“I had to use a Sonic Rainboom. There’s something heading towards the town, fast! I think I might have knocked it off course, but I don't know for how long!” She explained, making me gasp. I ran out to the balcony and sent up a fireworks spell.

After the incident with Nightmare Moon, the town council has agreed on a signal system. Three blasts would be sent up. All green meant the coast was clear, 2 green and 1 red meant semi-dangerous, but not too bad. 2 red, 1 green meant to get inside and stay until otherwise notified.

The one I used was the final signal, all red. Meaning that an evacuation was needed.

Almost immediately, ponies began heading towards Whitetail Woods. That was the agreed upon safe-zone, being far enough away that it would most likely be safe. A little afterward, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie rushed to the doorstep. I explained the situation, and Rainbow led us to a spot we could intercept what was coming.

[PoV: ?]
So the first thing that happens as I reach the edge of town after getting back on course was another explosion, this one normal and right in my face. It knocked me straight out of the air, and I landed with the coffins around me on my back unfurling them and rubbing my aching head, I looked up and saw what could only be the Mane Six.

I have to admit, they looked good.

Anyway, when I sat up, I heard one of them gasp. Judging by her expression, I’m guessing it was Twilight. Maybe she's already gone through the whole EQG thing.

“How is a human here?” She asked, giving me at least an idea of where I was in the timeline.

“Ever heard if Zelretch?” I asked. I was surprised when they all grimaced, even Fluttershy. “I’ll take that as a yes. He helped me get here to escape my old world where I was going nowhere fast in life.”

“Oh. So, why were you flying towards the town?” Twilight asked with a blink.

“I just got here. I wanted to find out where I was. I thought I had a pretty good idea, but I wasn’t sure.” I replied as I stood and stretched.

“Well, wonder no more! Welcome to Ponyville!” Pinkie exclaimed before introducing herself, followed by the others.

“Nice to meet you all. My name is Heero, Heero Yui.” I said, deciding to take the name of one of the most badass Gundam pilots in the entire franchise.

“So Heero, why do you have coffins attached to your shoulders?” Applejack asked cautiously.

“Well, they're actually wings of a sort. That and each one contains something different. Though Zelretch trolled me and neglected to tell me or even label them.” I answered and started grumbling things under my breath that would have turned the air blue if spoken aloud about said vampire before I was interrupted by a slap to the head from Rarity.

“Watch your language young stallion!” She said, getting a snort from me.

“I’m a man, and hell no! Not unless there are kids around.” I replied, which earned a sigh.

“Well, at least it's something.” She said.

“So...Um...Just to be clear, you’re not here to cause trouble?” Fluttershy asked.

“No, not unless someone else causes trouble for me.” I replied, to which Twilight wiped her brow in relief before sending up what seemed to be a firework spell. In response to my raised eyebrow, she explained, “We evacuated as a precaution. Now that we know the coast is clear, I sent up the agreed signal for that. Come on, we need to get to the town square to introduce you.”