Accidentally Fucked My Way Into Power

Chapters

An Hour of Consciousness
Gettin' Down to Business
Holy Maretrimony

An Hour of Consciousness

Author's Note

Welcome to this abomination, thanks for reading the first thing I've ever submitted :)

An Hour of Consciousness

You are Anon.

Self-proclaimed King of Fuckshit Avenue, destroyer of candy horse pussy, unmatched in knowledge only found in bar trivia, and an all around general autist.

Your existence in Horsey Fun-Time Land™ has been quite short, with your not-so spectacular entrance being only 10 days ago. That day was nothing short of routine, but you had accidentally put your breakfast bagel backwards in your toaster. That was all it took to rip space-time and tear away your ass from your personally favorite dimension. Honestly you should have seen it coming, with your best friend explaining there was a 50 / 50 chance that you’d die on the spot or get super powers.

‘Fuck you Kenneth’, you think to yourself as your leave your house, that smarmy bastard didn’t ever mention that you’d get trapped in a 9-year-old girl’s wet dream. Everything looks like fucking cotton candy. Everything. The clouds, the plants, christ even some of the ponies look like swirled diabetes on a stick. Not to mention how these fuckers act around you. Your walk around Ponyville is always full of smiles and giggles a good 3 feet below you. You have no style and no grace, and these mini horse things just think you’re the keenest thing around. Legit you could probably pull a gun on one and splatter their pastel brains all over the cobblestone and they’d just chalk it up to a “clumsy accident from our dear human friend”.

You wish you had your gun in all honesty; having a back out plan would be great to have. But that walking toy advertisement of a pony would cream herself an even weirder shade of purple if she heard you had a coherent thought about planning. She’d be able to write a 12-step program on how to properly kill yourself before she even realized what she was actually writing about. It’d take another 10 minutes to console her after you laugh your ass off, but secretly pocketing the binder, so you can optimally escape this high-pitched musical.

Her name was Twilight, you lived with her by the way, and you made it as awkward as possible right off the bat. Yet somehow it worked out too well for you. She had really wanted to learn of your human culture, but you couldn’t just let some fucking commie spy know about America’s secrets. It was at that moment, one permanent place in time, one seemingly impossible chance, where you learned that ponies were the most gullible creatures on this side of the multiverse. But from one small prank manifested something truly changing within yourself.

***

The day you crash landed in Equestria was nothing short of painful. Like a world class gymnast, you stuck the landing. From over 200 feet. And on fire, while faintly smelling of bagels and cream cheese. You shattered every bone below your spine, and your dick bone too if you were being honest with yourself. A sheer miracle that you hadn’t just painted yourself across the road, you just blacked out from the pain. With consciousness fleeting from your crippled form, your adrenaline riddled brain made out shapes of small animals? They were gathering around you. Their mouths moved as if they were talking, but your eardrums had blown out from the decent, and the sudden meeting with the ground temporarily disconnected all your senses.

The scents of old paper and an inferiority complex flooded had your bruised nose before you were truly awoken from the incredible soreness in your ass. Grumpy and groggy, you peeled back the covers and swung yourself out of the rather low bed. Kicking your foot across the footboard, you let out shrill, but still masculine screech. Your legs were still broken in like 61 different places, yet you managed to get out of bed? “Nice going you fuckin’ idiot,” you grumble to yourself, before gingerly adjusting your shattered pelvis back to a more comfortable position. You nearly find peace before the gentle echo of coconuts being placed together over and over decided to take an important business meeting in your ear. The door slowly began to glow a twinkly magenta, and the physical manifestation of social awkwardness was face to face with the manifestation of autism.

Your eyes doubled in size at the sight whatever the hell was in front of you. But even at double size they were no match for this horse’s eyes. They looked like dinner plates glued to its face! What genetically engineering bastard does this!? It had a fucking horn and some wings! It was purple too! Too many thoughts passed through your head, before you realized it had moved up to being only a good 5 feet from you. It raised a leg to its chest and let a small cough before letting out a small, but confident “Hello!”

“I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship,” she introduced, her oversized wings parting a bit just to make her look a tad more regal. “It appears you have fallen into our town mister, uh…” she trailed off, wringing a hoof in a circle and pulling a face of confusion, expecting you to follow up with your name. However, you weren’t having any of that. Nope. None of you was. You just stared ahead, slack-jawed and crossed-eyed in front of the pretty purple pony princess. Your brain basically exploded, so it was up to the back-up system to kick in.

“Hello brain?”

“Brain machine broke.”

“Understandable, have a good day.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!” you shouted as loud as your exhausted lungs would allow. The pony’s dinner plate eyes became more like basketballs and she just popped out of existence. You wanted to run, but your lil’ noodle legs weren’t going to do jack shit for you. You slumped back on the bed, still literally butthurt from the dimensional transfer. You weren’t going to get far at all being a cripple, so you had to mend the situation somehow.

Sitting in a bed 3 sizes too small for so long was really doing a spell on your fabulous glutes, so you decided to call out. “Hello tiny horse? My name it’s… uh... it’s Anon!” you yelled out. “The name’s Anonymous, but everyone thinks it’s too much of a hassle to actually say it all so they just call me Anon.” Time passed and you weren’t even sure she had heard you shout at her, but soon enough, the door began to glow that same pinkish aura before the lavender horse re-entered the room once again, but a whole bunch slower now. You successfully managed to put all the spaghetti back in your pockets, a true feat amongst your peers. She had gotten much closer now, so you craned your neck towards the little pony.

“So Mister Anon… “she began, her eyes nervously darting side to side, “Can you tell me where exactly you came from?”

A bursting sense of nationality welled up deep in your heart, and with little fireworks and tiny eagles floating through your skull, you reply with the only answer possible. “I come from the greatest goddamn country on the whole planet! THE, United States of America!” You held a planked hand to your head and paid a dear salute to the country you loved with all your might. A small tear formed in the corner of your eye, but being the man you were, you managed to suck it right back into your tear duct.

“America? Earth? What in Equestria are you talking about?” Twilight asked quizzically. “I’ve never heard of any of those places, and I own the complete set of National Equestrian Catalog of All Countries and Providences, Volumes One through Twenty-Three, and have read through all them multiple times, each affixed with notes and highlights and…” Twilight had trailed off talking about her nerdy book set for over ten minutes, before she realized you had fallen asleep again. She prodded you awake with a beam of magic before looking angrily into your sleepy eyes.

“I apologize for going off on a tangent, but it is rather rude to fall asleep during an interview,” she huffed, “and I believe you should explain to me just what an ‘America’ is.”

“America is a land of wonder, opportunity, unchecked racial pred…” you paused for a second. Why were you telling a foreign leader of your magnificent land? She was a princess after all, and she must report to a higher up, like a King! You squint your eyes at the pony and let a slight frown form. “Why should I be telling you about my homeland? It’s too obvious this is an interrogation to acquire my country’s secrets! Are you with the fucking Russians? You’re KGB aren’t you! I fucking knew it you goddamn commie bastard! Get over here before I fucking—" You were cut off with an immediate pain in your lower regions. You attempted to get out of bed subconsciously to wring the neck of this clopping commie cunt.

You just sat there, frozen in pain. No tears, no signs of life on your face. Twilight was plastered in place as well, not in pain, but sheer fear. Never had she heard such obscenities used in a single phrase, and even she didn’t know what most of them meant, but you shouted them out aggressively enough that she’d consider ‘salad’ a swear in your books. Still, she was a friendship princess! She could mend this situation!

Hiding any form of nervousness or fear from her body language, she cautiously approached you. You were still in immense pain, and all you could do was follow her with your bulging, bloodshot eyes. Her horn began to glow that same gay pink color and the searing pain in your lower half was amplified about 4 times.

"JESUS TITTYFUCKING MONSTERTRUCKING FUCKING LORD FUCKING FUCK HELL FUCK!" You screamed blindly at that evil concoction of loneliness and sparkles. To your surprise however, the pain was quickly receding back to its original level, then into an actually tolerable range. You begrudgingly began to look downwards just to see your beautiful thighs enveloped in Twinkle Sprinkle’s stupid unicorn magic. Even worse, you noticed your calcium rich skeleton warping beneath your meat. But in that instant, the pain was gone.

“I’ve healed your legs Mister Anonymous. We didn’t start off on the right hoof, so I’d like to try again. I don’t know of this ‘Russia’ you speak of either, so let me introduce you to this area. You’re currently in the northern regions of a small village known as Ponyville. This is my castle where my friends and I help some friendship problems.” Her horn began to glow again, ready to cast whatever black magic she had planned for you. This threw off yet another red flag in your already blown brain, so you reached out and grabbed her horn. Whatever spell Sprinkler had in mind had been cancelled from your grasp, the base of the horn was still producing the pink stuff but the tip was isolated from the twinkly shit. Her eyes then went crossed and glazed, and her tongue simply lolled out to the side of her mouth. A large rosy color grew over her snout, which meant two things to your reforming conscious: you found out how to disable these hue-filled magic sacks, or you were basically jacking them off. Hoping it wasn’t the latter, any shred of sanity you had regained at the time was then thrown out the window when the sound of a leaking faucet made itself present behind Princess Sparkle.

You were jacking off a unicorn. That was made evident with the sound and smell of candy and lavender invading your nose. These pastel ponies were certainly leakers and going off the lust-induced trance of Twilight, it didn’t take much to get it going. ‘Then again, she is a massive nerd,’ you thought to yourself, ‘she’s gotta be a total perma-virgin.’

You interrupted your own thoughts realizing your grip was still locked around the mini horse’s spiraling horn. “Christ, how do we get out of this one brain?” you ask inwardly.

“haha peepee head” was all your subconscious had to offer at the time. “Ah fuck okay, let’s turn to someone else for answers,” you pondered.

‘FINISH THE JOB!” screamed your junk, clearly ready for some sort of sexual interaction and the fact you weren’t ignoring him anymore. Something tells you he likes the ponies and will be getting you into even more trouble later.

Reflecting on the quality time you spent on Earth, which totally wasn’t looking at quality memes and shitposts for 14 hours a day, you saw some mediocre environmental ads, all asking you how you would feel being left turned on. Sure, it was about lights, but the same could still apply to the body. “I sure am a nice guy,” you beamed proudly in your head, while you started to move your hand up the base of her horn. The tips of your fingers brushed the inset grooves spiraling up her horn, and the texture was smooth, something hard and firm yet sensitive and detailed. Like a dick. You weren’t going to question the pony anatomy just yet, even though you were basically sexually assaulting the friendship princess in her own home. Not even mentioning you barely knew her, or where you were on God’s green Earth.

Each passing stroke resulted in her eliciting small moans and squeaks, and you actually found them somewhat cute. Her weird pony knees buckling each time you reached the tip of her horn, and the leaky faucet sound grew to sound like someone dropping ketchup from a twelve-foot balcony onto a linoleum kitchen floor. Scratch out basically sexually assaulting, this is full on molestation, christ. Only a couple passes of the horn after, the tip of the completely dazed pony’s horn started sparking, like teeny tiny little fireworks. This was legitimately interesting to you. You leaned in to inspect the source of raw bubbling magic, but goddamn was your arm getting tired. Your eyes pressed shut, and a low gravel-y yawn extended your jaw to the fullest point, letting your body refresh itself with some fresh oxygen that you so graciously expended to pleasure Twilight.

In the same moment as your much-needed air swap, Twilight let out a loud moan, and streams of pure sparkles shot out her horn, all over your face, and directly into your mouth. The pure surprise clamped your lips closed, and the flavor began to set into your tongue. It was like someone poured a fresh grape soda all over your tongue and just let it sit there. The sparkles felt like they were hurting you almost, so brain finally took initiative, and you swallowed every last one. Again, the smell of candied lavender hit your nose, and you looked down only to see a glossy puddle spread itself thin across the floors beneath Twilight, and nearly onto your Gucci loafers.

“Christ almighty Twilight, watch where you’re dripping all this shit!” you scolded the orgasmic pony. You shuffled your black leather shoes back a foot and simply observed her. She still looked lost in bliss, but after some time had passed, she seemingly came to. She blinked her half-lidded eyes a couple of times before she was able to give her full attention back to you. “Never speak of this,” you tell her.

She looked up at you, eyes staring ever so seductively. “Why would I tell anypony about you,” she whispered. She flapped her wings and floated high just enough, so her mouth was next to your ear. “…When I can have you all to myself~”

So, you basically raped a pony, and now she wanted to be with you. Of all the possible outcomes that you didn’t even think about, this one certainly would not have reared its head in your cross check. But you’re Anon. You just had to see just how much you could get away with in the first 20 minutes of your consciousness. Twilight had gently landed on the crystalline floor, still waiting to see how you would react. You bent down on one knee, still avoiding the shimmering puddle of pure love, and looked at Twilight. “Twilight, before we go any further, I would like to teach you about the ancient human greeting for new friends.” Stars formed in her eyes when she heard ‘teach’, ‘ancient’, and friends’ all used in the same sentence. She nodded excitedly and waited for you to continue the explanation. “All right. In order for this to work correctly, I’ll need you to repeat the magic words to me,” you cleared your throat and looked her dead in the eyes. “’Highway’, and ‘To the.’ is all you have to repeat ok?” you tell her.

“I think I can manage that,” she replied smugly.

“All right then, please turn around.” She acknowledged and did a 180 on the spot.

You clasped together your hands, leaving out your index and middle fingers on each hand. Twilight then began to repeat the key words you told her. “Highway to the…” she began, and you followed up.

"DANGER ZONE!" you immediately shouted and thrusted your fingers deep inside of Twilight. As soon as you met resistance from her candy horse pussy, she came on the spot. A torrent of maregasm flooded over your wrists and onto your shirt. Your shoes were fine however, but if this were the life you were to live, you’d definitely need a different pair.

“Aaaaaah~! Aannoooonnn~!” she cried out, not able to contain any sort of professionalism she once had. She craned her fuzzy purple neck over and tried to look you in the eye. “I don’t know what in Tartarus you are, but by Celestia, after all you’ve done right now you will be mine~”

Still keeping your thumbs pressed along the lips of her slit, you ponder what repercussions would ever come for messing around like this. Nah just kidding, what loser actually thinks ahead for what they do? You slowly pulled your soaked hands from her drenched love folds, strands of sticky something trailed off and really didn’t seem like they wanted to break off from either side. You wiped the slime off on her pristine purple coat and felt up her ass while you did. It was nice and soft, probably since all she does is sit on it and read her books.

You reached over and gave her a nice scratch behind her ears. It seemed like if anything else you could do was to pet them like cats, these ponies seemed close enough to them with their soft coats and large ears. “Ooohhhhh~~” she purred out, melting even further into her already blissful state. “Whatever you’re trying to get out of me Anonymous, you can have it~”

Huh. Sexually pleasuring a princess could earn you favors. Who in their right mind would ever think of that? You, mainly on the part that you never had the ‘right mind’. “Well, if you’re so keen on offering, I really need somewhere to stay now.” You reply to the tranced horse. Your reply seemed to surprise her, but it wasn’t a totally odd question. You were a long way from home, and shelter was a top priority on your list. Internet was too, but that was something you tucked in the back of your mind.

Getting a feel for her legs once again, Twilight turned around and looked up at you. Even with you kneeling, you were still a bit taller than her. Normally she came up only to your belly button. On one knee however, you were at the best height to look into her deep violet eyes. Lust satisfied, she continued to look deep into your own eyes, mischief and uncertainty brewing and bouncing off the inner walls. “I certainly can arrange that for you Anon! I can’t wait to introduce you to all of my friends here in Ponyville!” she piped with excitement. “I’ll have Spike and Starlight help me set up a room big enough for somepo- er, something your size.”

You simply gave Twilight a thumbs up, which seemed to confuse her. You tried to salvage the situation by upgrading to finger guns, but she still couldn’t get the human expression. This only called for a sheer upgrade, that being a second finger gun, and you imitated shooting by shaking your hands up and down. Twilight still didn’t understand your good vibes, so she set off to prepare your room. “Tough crowd huh…” you mumble to yourself while rolling your eyes to, surprise, only yourself.

While Twilight was off fixing up a room for you, you were taking careful time examining everything in the room you could possibly wipe your hands on. Even with the horses being under half your height, they sure managed to put every decoration or banner up real fucking high. The average human ceiling was like eight feet or so from the ground, why was the ceiling in this shiny-ass room so far away? You began to lose yourself into an ever-maddening daydream of ceilings. Something to do with a supreme leader dictating the exact height of every roof. If you didn’t get it to their liking, they just chanted “Ten feet higher!” and forced you to renovate your entire home. Is that why the castle is like 80 fuckin’ feet tall? You were still stuck pondering the socio-economic relations of roofs and ceiling for ponies, and Twilight rematerialized right behind you.

The loud pop of magic had caught you off guard, and you swung around ready to karate chop the fucker who decided to scare you. You swung the plank of a hand on your wrist, but your strike was 3 feet over the head of your target. You weren’t entirely sure how Twilight still looked confused from all your human antics. “Well Mister Anonymous, your room is all ready for you now. Please follow me so that I may show you the way there.” Twilight stated in her professional princess tone, like what happened between you two only ten minutes ago never even happened.

She magicked open the stout wooden doors that paled in comparison to the heighted walls and the ever-so tall ceiling you were thinking about before she got here. You actually had to duck just to get through them. Your 6-foot structure would be the oncoming of many headaches you silently thought to yourself. “Goddamn manlets getting lucky in this fucking pony paradise…” you lowly grumbled under your breath, just so Twilight’s fluffy pony ears wouldn’t pick up your insults directed at no one in particular.

Outside of the thick doors was a long shiny corridor, fit with equally tall walls and a maroon carpet stretching throughout every turn and bend you could actually see. “This place is fuckin’ gigantic Twilight, where the hell am I?” you ask her.

“Most ponies in town call it the Castle of Friendship, so that’s what my friends normally stick with.” She replied, continuing to walk down the glimmering hall. “Right now we are in corridor G7, where I keep extra files, books, guest, slav……” You tuned her out after so few examples and just decided to look around the place for yourself. There were so many unmarked doors that kept capturing your attention as you two walked to your destination. Some were ajar, and you could make out odd sights in each. A multitude of cleaning items were badly stacked in one, looking like they’d fall right out if someone were unlucky enough to open it. Another looked like a kitchen, but something was in there making a total mess of the place, the walls were coated in pink frosting and it smelt like the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s asshole.

After a minute or two, you arrived at another boring unmarked door in the castle. “Alright Anon, this room will be yours for the meantime.” She opted to open the bland doors with her hoof instead, pushing against the dark wood to reveal your room. Like the doors, it was pretty boring inside the room. It looked like three beds were pushed together to accommodate your freakish height. Aside from the jagged yet smooth crystal walls, nothing else filled the space but a simple desk and a drawer.

Taking in your new living quarters, you stepped into the room only to smack your forehead against the doorframe. “Shit! I even saw it coming but it still happened!” you half-shouted at the wall. “Looksy here Twankles,” you addressed the princess with a pointed finger, “you’re probably some magic god or something along those lines, can’t you just make the doorway bigger for me? I’m gonna keep smacking my noggin against everything, and frankly I don’t want to.”

“I’m not a god Anon, but I certainly can make the door bigger for you. It might help to distinguish where you’re living so no one gets surprised by your presence.” She stated as she turned towards the door. As her horn lit up that weird sparkly magenta once again, the frame warped upwards, leaving a couple of inches between the top of the door and your head.

“Hell yeah!” you gleamed. You reached down a gave Twilight another ear scratch for being such a good host. It made sense to reward her head for saving yours.

“Hehe~” she purred once again leaning into your hands, eagerly taking in the copious head scritches. Feeling satisfied with your treatment, you pulled away, letting Twilight stare at your hands intently. “Anon, what exactly are those on the ends of your hands? I was too, uh, preoccupied, before to ask, but they look like Spike’s claws, but they’re much lankier, and they’re fleshy like the rest of you.”

“Well Sporkle,” you began, raising one of your fingers up to make a point, “these are called fingers. Great tools for grabbing everything, scratching everything, and getting the last bit of peanut butter out the jar. They are completely superior to the hoof, and everything that has happened between us to this point is completely valid proof.” You smirked towards her, her own face blushing as your attention gravitated towards her.

Before you could make another snide remark about what you did to tarnish Kenny Loggins’ hit masterpiece, a gentle knock ring through the barren room. “Is the room good enough Twilight? Spike wasn’t feeling—” the new voice cut off suddenly. You did a sick 540 spin move and looked for the source of noise. Of course, you had to look down for the voice, everything so far was too short to give your poor neck a break. A second brighter purple unicorn made its presence known to you. It too had some weird sparkle tattoo on its ass like Twilight, and this one really set off your stinky commie alarms. “Oh, hey Starlight! Hey Anon! Anon! This is Starlight Glimmer!” Twilight introduced.

You took a step forward to introduce yourself properly, but Starlight just inched away flat on her ass. Her eyes, while still freakishly large, were just pinpricks to accompany her frightened face. Jesus fuck was every pony you met going to be this frightened of your build? You took to one knee to close the height gap but Starlight’s dinnerplate eyeballs still looked like they were about to leave her head. Holding a hand over your chin your face reflected one of deep thinking as you looked over bootleg Twilight. “Yo, Twinkle Sprinkle, is everyone’s name based on stars and shining shit? Next you’re gonna tell me you have another friend named Sunset Shimmer or something gay.”

“Well actually Anon,” Twilight began, but you actually didn’t care what she had to say about some other horse you didn’t know. “Anyway, other purple horse,” you kept your fixation on Starlight, “I have a kicking feeling that YOU WERE THE COMMIE SPY ALL ALONG!” You started to lunge at Starlight but fell short when Twilight enveloped you in her translucent pink magic stuff. “For the love of Celestia Anonymous, you can’t go around calling everyone a ‘commie spy’! She held you tight in the air while scolding you. “I’m not even sure-“ Twilight’s lecture was brought to an abrupt end when her magic fizzled and dissipated from around you.

You fell right onto your stomach, knocking the wind out of your system. “A little warning before you drop me would be nice!” you barked at Twilight.

“I’m so sorry Anon! My magic just, well… stopped working?” Twilight apologized with confusion well mixed in. She lit her horn up one again and easily lifted the crystal-imbedded bed that you were soon to sleep on. Of course, she’s testing everything, what a fucking nerd. She set it back down and turned back to you. Her horn once again lit up as she focused on trying to pick you up. The warm magic feeling wrapped around you, but nothing was happening to your location. Her snout scrunched up before she turned to Starlight, who was still cowering in fear of your knowledge of communists.

“Starlight,” she tentatively pondered, “could you try moving Anon? We have to test all the possible variables right now!”

“I really don’t want to,” Starlight began, “but you’re probably going to make me do it anyway.” She sighed. Her horn lit up, this time a blueish emerald-y color, and the magic snaked its way over to you. Her magic didn’t feel as warm or cuddly, but certainly felt refreshing, like an after-dinner mint you got at the hibachi grill near the Best Buy.

Starlight’s face soon became concentrated, her putting a lot of effort in just trying to scoot you a mere inch. However, your glorious thighs found themselves still in the same spot on the cold crystal floor. “Hey Twiggles, can I get a carpet in here? My feet are gonna fuckin’ freeze to the floor if I don’t.” Your question broke Starlight’s focus, and the wintergreen mint feeling washed away, and you felt like you just spat out a ton of mouthwash.

“Yeah sure Anon,” she answered without paying any attention to you. Every gear was turning in her head just trying to understand why magic suddenly stopped affecting you. A minute passed, and Twilight was still sitting down, staring off into the deep unknown, thinking over every single option. A large rosy blush spread over her face, realizing what could’ve changed in the last half an hour to your body.

You weren’t even paying attention to her any longer, and you picked yourself off the ground only to look straight into Starlight’s eyes. Her pupils shrunk again and darted back and forth, unsure of what was going on. A sly yet smug grin plastered itself onto your face. Your left hand came up slowly, completely in Starlight’s sight. You extended out your index finger, before quickly pressing it onto her snout.

“Boop!”

You giggled out loud, not knowing this had brought Twilight’s attention to you. Starlight looked horrified and pleasured at the same time, like she was about to have the greatest sneeze of her entire life. You took the same hand and poked her nose again.

“Booooop!”

A minty fresh smell started to permeate the air. The cheeky grin on your face slowly melted off when the smell was accompanied by a familiar wet drip. You didn’t want to, but you knew you had to look down. “God dammit…” you muttered. The floor was taking on another gloss, this one filmy and slowly merging with each drip scattered below Starlight. You looked back up into her eyes, yours of ‘no’ and ‘stahp plz’, with hers being a mix of lust and fear. “Scaroused,” you think inwardly. It was dead silent between you two, but a wet rubbing noise was growing ever louder behind you.

Of course. Twilight was fucking rubbing one out right behind you. Does this chick have some sort of sexual assault fetish? “Holy Mary Mother of Joseph! Twilight! What the fuck!” you shout at this deranged fuck. “Ooo~ d-don’t mind me Anon!” she squeaked out. “Jus-s-s~~t keep doing whatever you were doing to her~”. She continued to glide her hoof through her pussy, mixing the mint with that lavender smell you found out before.

You were out of made up words to describe your emotions. You were sickened and concerned right now. However, you were Anon! Nice guy extraordinaire! You couldn’t leave Starlight left unsatisfied, and if you did you were scared about what Twilight would do if she didn’t get her fill of kinky shit. You took a breath and primed your index finger to finish the job.

Starlight’s dark blue eyes: the only thing you wanted to focus on; the rest being leaky horse pussy, and Twilight getting off on rape. Will you get off to horses? Your dick already made it clear pussy is pussy, but where does your heart lie in the matter? You’ve already fingered one pony to completion, but that was just a prank bro. If this is the life you continue to lead, you better start liking them.

Your finger was locked and loaded, ready to deploy to its final destination. Steadily, you leaned in, and pressed into Starlight’s nose for the third, and hopefully last time.

“Boop.”

You let out a small tear. Not even your super manly powers could keep this one in. Neither of you really wanted this, but the uncertainty of Twilight kept an unspoken trust between the both of you. Starlight’s knees wobbled, the extended boop flooding her brain with pleasure she hadn’t felt in years. She let out a moan, before sending out a wave of goopy sparkle magic out of her horn, right onto your face. Did you want to cry? Probably, but the minty magic was already stinging, and getting that in your eyes would hurt like a bitch. Plus, crying would certainly compromise your standing as #1 manly man in Equestria.

“eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” you just let out a sad and slowly drawn out drawl. Apparently, the image of you extremely uncomfortable and coated in magical mare jizz sent Twilight over the edge, and she shot a hot stream of pure love directly into Starlight’s own cum puddle, the overly sweet combination of smells making you feel like you were locked in a Yankee Candle storeroom overnight.

Your choice of emotion couldn’t have been any more inopportune. The gelatinous magic began to clump, and its own weight swung it all right into your groaning half-open mouth. The complete surprise of it set off your swallow reflex, just so brain didn’t think you were choking on anything. It wasn’t so bad if your being honest. You certainly weren’t going to tell them, but it was like the minty shake you got at McDonalds during the March timeframe. The sparkles felt jagged going down though, they were something akin to tortilla chips you didn’t chew properly.

Your room was a total mess. Tears, cum, and pure magic were littered around in various puddles and streaks. “T-Twilight?” you croak out. “For the love of everything holy, please magic all this away,” you begged to the mare. Twilight broke out her second orgasm induced trance today and flashed a sultry look towards you. “Anything for you stud~” she flirted. In a flash, the room was back to its boring feel, but instead of marecum on the floor, you had a fluffy carpet.

Twilight opted to actually walk out the room, flashing you some serious signals with her eyes, but Starlight was unconscious on your newly carpeted floor. ‘Fuck it’ you thought as you picked up Starlight. You walked over to the bed and set her down on one side. It was certainly big enough to keep you both since she pushed together three of them just for your height. You simply trudged along the edge of the frame to the opposite side, unbuttoned your love stained shirt, and plopped yourself down.

It hadn’t even been an hour. You made two mares cum their brains out shortly after introducing themselves, not ignoring the fact it was textbook sexual assault, and that one of them scared you into doing it to the other. Your breath smelled of grape and mint. Normally you liked a minty fresh feeling after brushing your teeth, but the means of how you procured this one left an ironic sour taste in your mouth.

You simply laid on the bed, hands interlocked behind your head. You had only been awake for a short while, so sleep wasn’t going to come easily. Not like you could even sleep. The recent events were basically branded into your brain, and you saw them every time you shut your eyes. You could get over all this right? You’re probably stuck here in sexual technicolor purgatory forever. Starlight’s sleepy breaths off to your side just made you wonder, what’s next?

Gettin' Down to Business

Author's Note

So y'all actually liked my ramblings. Thanks.

Gettin' Down to Business

You are Golden Badge.

The infamous alabaster bastard, the zigger deleter, bucking racist bastard, these were just a hoofful of the nicknames you’ve been given by the townsponies of Ponyville. You came here to found Ponyville’s first police station, but apparently there’s no crime here whatsoever. So, you get by with harassing minorities and making fun of non-unicorns.

Right now, you are attempting to enjoy your overpriced black coffee from the local café, but the lumbering lankster Anon has plopped his bipedal ass on a chair opposite you. Everyone here loves Anon. He’s either a mumbling mess, or an explosive personality that spouts the most insane bullshit. If you had to compare him to anything, he’s basically the token zebra of any group. But instead of having stripes, he’s just really bucking tall.

“Heya there lil’ horse dude,” Anon greeted.

You pulled down your comically oversized shades to look up at Anon. “Can I help you Anonymous?” you ask, slightly miffed your peaceful sunny day has been interrupted by the town autist. He’s been cantering throughout town after you witnessed the fireballed human careening through the atmosphere, being rushed into the Crystalline Cock Castle ™, and integrating into the pony culture.

“Actually, I think you can,” Anon started, “first off, what’s your name?”

“Golden Badge,” you replied, swiping a lock of your aptly titled golden mane behind the ridge of your sunglasses.

“OK Golden, I just really need someone to talk to. There’s something I just have to get off my chest, and everyone else probably couldn’t take it.” Anon expelled.

You squint your lime-green eyes at him, “And just why do you think I’d like to hear anything from the likes of you?” you sneered at him. Anon wasn’t a unicorn, or a pony for the matter. These creatures were the types you made fun of, not sip coffee with.

“Dunno man, you’re like the only dude I’ve seen here in horsey village besides Applejack’s brother. And I certainly can not tell this to him.” Anon replied.

This intrigued you. A story that he couldn’t tell a mare, or even the Princess’s friends? “Alright Anon, I guess you can ramble about whatever it is to me.” You snidely remark.

And so Anon recalled the entirety of his first day of Ponyville to you.

You are still Golden Badge, but now you have a massive erection.

Anonymous told you in full detail about what he accidentally did the Princess and her student. Everything. Even the gross parts. Celestia almighty, the things ponies would pay just to try what Anon did unknowingly.

You tried your hardest to conceal your rigid cock from Anon, the head pushing up against the flimsy metal table. The table started tilting towards Anon, but he was tall enough to not even notice it moving. “Hot damn,” Anon breathed as he stretched back, “that felt really good to get out. Thanks Badge.”

You couldn’t even reply right now, your eyeballs were popping out of your skull, but luckily your dark as buck shades covered it up for you. You hadn’t bust a nut in over a month, all thanks to Sheathed September. But this was it. “I was doing so well…” you softly cried to yourself. Anon’s bucking crazy story set you over the edge, your brain flooded with him violating the Princess with those weird claws on the end of his hoof. You could tell you were about to burst at any second.

“Welp, thanks a bunch Golden. I feel so much better actually talking out with a friend.” Anon beamed. “I guess Twinkle was right with all that friendship shit.” He muttered to himself. Anon stood up, still unaware of the tilted table beneath him. “You’ve been a good bro, so…” Anon began as he reached towards you.

Anon’s hand made direct contact with your golden mane and plaster white ear. The instant he began scratching, you couldn’t hold anything else in. A downpour of sticky strands flood from your horsecock, coating the underside of the table and the dirty cobblestone below.

Your tongue lolls out as you push into Anon’s hand, eagerly wanting more. Anon just chuckles to himself, unknowing of the marshmallow-y mess you were currently making. A deep and warm feeling made itself known from your horn. “Sweet Celestia nooooo….” you moan out before erupting your horn all over his shirt.

“Son of a bitch! Not my Ralph Lauren classic polo!” Anon shouted out loud. He stopped the head pats to hastily wipe your concentrated magic off his apparently expensive shirt. The lime-green goo soon found itself stuck to his hand, and the way Anon was eyeing it really didn’t sit well with your conscious. Anon turned his head towards you, and merely asked “It’s… it’s not gay right?”

“Whhhaaa?” you simply gargled out. Anon just shrugged and licked the discharge off in one pass of his mouth. That was apparently the incorrect answer. The ponies around you watching the entire event had either fainted or were watching the oblivious Anon ingest your horn spunk with some serious lust.

“Yo, holy shit!” Anon exclaimed, “This tastes just like cherry limeade!” You just watched in horror as he tells everypony around you what you taste like. You’d be turned on, just you already blew a massive load on the floor and Anon was, in fact, a guy.

Soon enough a crowd of ponies were flocking to the scene, and multiple began shouting out. “Trixie will pay 50 bits for you to do that!” said one uptight unicorn. “I’ll pay you 100!” said another. “200!” said a third.

Anon put on his big manly human voice and addressed the crowd. “Alright, alright wait just a fuckin’ second. Jesus.” He took a second to actually form a coherent thought. “Everyone line up! Pay what you want, but if I hate the flavor, you get no more.”

Unlicensed head pats, belly rubs, and horn jobs were technically illegal in Equestria, but you were too incapacitated to restrain Anon, plus, you were a receiver of a head pat and you would quite be a hypocrite to do so.

Anon pulled up couple chairs and formed a makeshift bench for his clientele. The bucker is so big it took 5 chairs just to make a suitable area for him. He sat down and looked at the first mare in line. “So, who’re you miss?” He asked her. “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! And I would like a horn touch please….” She trailed off, obviously embarrassed to receive something so lewd out in public.

“ONE HORN JOB! CHOO CHOO!” Anon shouted out loud. Trixie’s light blue coat basically turned purple with her blush. “Just teasin’” he smirked at her. Anon gripped the base of her pastel blue horn and began to slowly rub one out. He equated it to just jacking himself off, and the fact he was getting paid for this made it so much less awkward for him.

“Good god, am I just a glorified pony prostitute?” Anon whispered to himself quietly.

Trixie craned her big ol’ pony head towards Anon, trying to look him in the eye. “Trixie doesn’t care what you are, just keep going~” she moaned. Anon took the queue, and began sliding his hand faster and faster, eager to finish off Trixie to get to his other customers waiting in line.

So many different musks were littering your snout, you were certain your brain would go into sexual overdrive. Anon could tell too as he pulled his shoes off as set them somewhere high up. “Golden! Be a dear a grab some buckets and some towels!” Anon yelled over at you.

Gaining feeling in your body once again, you looked over to Anon and just yelled at him. “Buck you, you lanky bucker! I should turn you in for all of this!” Deciding you actually should follow through, you charged up your horn to fire a bolt of incapacitating magic at him. Anon was too busy jacking off Trixie to even notice you, so this was your chance to strike.

The bright green magic left your horn and shot directly toward Anon’s head. It collided, then simply bounced right off. Anon looked up for as second, looked around, shrugged, and resumed finishing off Trixie. Defeated, you turned tail to walk back to the station and stepped right a puddle that spread itself from beneath all the mares waiting for Anon’s treatment.

“Oohh~ Trixie is s-so close!” she yelled out loud.

“Ah shit man,” Anon asked out loud. “How am I supposed to harvest your horn stuffs?”

“S-suck Trixie’s horn~” she offered.

Anon took a second to think about this. Just kidding, he didn’t. He slid Trixie deeper into his lap and stuffed her horn directly into his mouth. Right then, Trixie couldn’t handle it, and released the raw magic down Anon’s gullet.

Trixie let out an insane moan right before slumping into Anon’s chest. The group of mares watched with pure bliss, many leaking profusely and sporting rather erect wings.

“Oh fuck yeah!” Anon shouted. “You taste like blue raspberry! You definitely get to come back for more.” Anon moved the sack of bits from the light blue mare to the side and set Trixie down so she could regain proper motor function. “All right,” Anon called out, “who’s next?”

You are Anon, newly minted man-slut extraordinaire, rubber of pony bellies, massager of wings, connoisseur of ear scratches and glorious headpats, but most importantly, chief of illicit hornjobs. You new pal Golden Badge looked upset about something, probably that you weren’t sharing your recently acquired harem of mares with him. Honestly, he just should have asked, servicing all these mares was proving to be quite troublesome, and only a handful of them were even unicorns too, so you had the whole horn biz down.

But even after 8 unicorns and a boatload of other mares satisfied, the ever-expanding pile of cuddles was starting to grow tiring in your magic soaked mind. You’ve already made a hefty sum of these “bits” pleasing all the ponies, but hot damn you’re just out of it right now. You did fulfil your original goal, that being you finding more flavors of sparkly horse magic, and just about all of them were great. Trixie was the best flavor so far; blue raspberry is the god amongst all flavors and you’re sure nothing can beat it.

Just about every flavor was amazing. Two of the unicorn mares that were in line tasted like bubblegum and strawberry. One fucker had the audacity to come to the fuck bench with her stupid dark brown magic. You were hoping for a sweet chocolate, but surprise! It’s fucking off-brand coca cola. Like you go to Wal-Mart and find this Diet Dr. Thunder shit. It was terrible. You still swallowed it all anyway since she paid you good money for all that jazz.

Deciding that you had earned your fair share today, you began to move your pile of sleepy mares to uncover your massive burlap sack of these so-called bits. They looked like solid gold coins, which just proves how good of a man-whore you are. After digging through for your treasure, none other than your landlord Twilight strolled into the food district. She turned to look at you, then to the pyramid of ponies next to you. Her adapt mind then pieced the two large puzzle pieces in front of her near instantly.

“Anonymous! Just what do you think you’re doing out here?!” she barked out at you.

“Uhhh, making friends?” you outright lie to her.

“Nice try Anon, but I can smell the sex from here. It bucking reeks! Sweet Celestia, just how many of them did you buck?” she shouted out at you.

“Surprisingly none of them,” you respond to her. “I just gave all my new friends here to horn massages and belly rubs! They really liked them, and a lot of them tipped me too!” You had to play the idiot here, so you gleamed at her, hoping that you could make her buy the lie.

“Anon I’m not stupid. I know that you know what you’re doing. You even did it to me-” Twilight froze on the spot. A simple slip of information had your whole cuddle pile looking in awe at her. Soon enough they were all chatting amongst themselves about the revelation.

“Wow! We were serviced by somepony who did the Princess!”

“This is such a privilege!”

“Trixie can’t believe Sparkle was first…”

“This still isn’t gay right?”

While the collective conglomerate of pony kept embarrassing Twilight, you nabbed your bag of coin and free wheeled it on outta there. However, outta there was right back at the castle. The coin bag was actually really fucking heavy, and slinging it over your shoulder like you were the fucking Hamburglar wasn’t doing any wonders to your already sore muscles. You reached the glossy quartz steps and pounded on the fucking huge ass doors hoping Starlight or that Spike kid would let you in.

Like 10 seconds after beating the shit out of the door, the deadbolt behind clicked and the massive doors swung open. In the middle of the foyer was none other than Twilight, cheating her way home with her stupid god powers. “Gah, fuck.” You pouted at her.

“Just exactly what was that out there Anon!” Twilight exploded out at you, “Do you not understand how completely ILLEGAL what you did was? There is a strict ruleset when it comes to administered pleasure to ponies! You can’t just sit on a bench and rub tummies to your heart’s content!” She took a second to huff in some air, shouting sure is hard after all. “Sweet hay Anon, do you know what the punishment for that sort of commodity is?”

You merely shook your head at her, the answer not in your own grasp, yet it was so close.

“The time for the crime,” Twilight began, “a WHOLE week in the prison.” She shot daggers into your soul with her stupid giant horse eyes. “No pony has come out the same from there, and their sentences are usually only a day or two. Only the most heinous crimes reach a length like that.”

“Wait a fuck, a week? Shit man with all this bank I’m making that seems completely worth it.” You weren’t even fazed by Twonkel’s super spooky pony jail story. Jail back home was super duper intense, this shit sounded like kindergarten. “Anyhoo, you said something about rules for all this jazz? Gimme the rule book and I’ll be the toppest tier belly rubber in the entirety of Horse Dimension!”

Twilight still looked real fuckin’ mad at you, her whole spiel on jail basically wasted on your ears. But her gaze shifted to one of an upset yet smug contemplation. “You know what, fine. If you can manage to get this right I won’t be on your back about it. But if you get arrested I’m not posting bail for you.” She turned and just about screamed down the hall, “SPIKE! GRAB THE EQUESTRIAN BUSINESS GUIDELINES VOLUMES FOURTY-FIVE THROUGH FIFTY-SIX!”

Moments later the little purple abomination waddled in carrying a giant stack of thick leather books. “Wait, leather? How the shit do the ponies get leather?” you think to yourself. “Is there some mass amount of eugenics that I’m unaware of?” Your quick line of thought was broken with the massive thud of heavy ass books slamming the cold floor beneath you.

“Alright bitches, time to book!” you exclaim outwardly to the present company. “I’ll be the best business man here in Pony Land and just fuckin’ watch me do it!” You leaned down and grabbed the bound instructions to be a local god and took off to your room somewhere hidden amongst all the other rooms in the castle.

It turns out you made a wrong turn and got yourself real lost amidst the thousands of doors. Even with your door being a bit taller than the others, you’re really going to start hating doors here soon enough. Something a bit less than an hour passed after you located the slightly bigger door that held your bland ass room. You threw down the bound books and admired the room you were graciously gifted.

Over the days you spent in it you had gathered a few knickknacks from Twilight’s other friends and used them to decorate your place. You got a multitude of winged pony posters from Rainbow Dash, who explained all about the ‘Wonderbolts’ in detail that’d get Twilight wet. You didn’t object, but you wanted some big tiddie anime girls to hang up since no one here would understand what they even were.

Rarity was cool enough to get you some new duds, since the previous ones were stained beyond belief. You lied and told her it was apple juice but you’re pretty sure that she could smell the stains when you entered the weird tent house. Anyway, she insisted that she make them, and you could repay her later with “other means.” If gossip got around, you knew exactly what that meant and weren’t sure if you’d fuck her for clothes.

Her other pals had sent over various trinkets, but the top of the list was Pinks. You two were going to be the greater-est of friends, at least that’s how she said it. Her always-set-to-eleven personality really bothered you at first, but after a bit, you were able to make references that no one else but her were able to understand. You honestly weren’t sure how, but someone to be abruptly silly with helped ease your apathetic spirit. She constantly sends over sweets and baked goods that just about make you cream yourself. Turns out she was what made the entire kitchen pink that day you showed up.

Still with friends fresh in your brain, you had met many of the townsponies walking around with Pinkie. She insisted on introducing you to everyone, so they wouldn’t be frightened of you. Turns out most were wary, but none were outright scared of you. You decided to have a word with Starlight later on about that. You hadn’t diddled any of Twilight’s friends, or anymore of the townsfolk (yet), mainly since Twi wanted to keep all your biz secret. It wouldn’t be all illegal and shit like Twankle said if they’re consenting, and in their own home hopefully.

But that’s why you’re in your crystalline room. To learn you somethin’ good about horsefucking! With a constant bass drone crossed with the THX theme constantly playing in the back of your conscious, you peeled open the first business-law-book-thing and got your ass to reading.

“Ohohoho dude, it’s a book!” said brain. “You haven’t fucked with one of these in a while!”

“Shuddup brain. Get to absorbing all this good book juice.” You command to your subconscious.

Your eyes scanned each tea-stain colored page, taking more and more information to help you avoid the slammer and make some sweet dosh. Lots of papers and permits were required to make sure you ran a legitimate business and it looked like you need a place to operate. From at least what you know, purchasing a venue to fuck horses might cost a pretty penny. But you know what doesn’t cost just about anything? A shoddily nailed wooden booth with crudely painted letters.

And that’s exactly what you did. The local fillies weren’t happy with you stealing their lemonade stand spot, but that’s prime real estate bitch. First come first serve and all that biz. You stepped back to admire the splinter filled sign that resided on top of the wooden beams. “Anon’s Headpat HQ” was sloppily painted out in white, with a multitude of nails holding everything together. This massive pile of wood was basically a timebomb, and you were certain that the title sign would fall down and send nails flying across the plaza. Oh, and it took you a week to figure out how to use an Equestrian hammer. You weren’t going to ask Twilight for help, and since you couldn’t interact with magic shit all too well, it felt like you were slapping nails with a pillow every time you used it. So, you bashed the hell out of the nails with a rock. Way to go Mr. Caveman.

Aside from that, a small silver bell and a professional looking briefcase sat on top of the smooth desk surface, which was actually the desk Twilight put in your room, but you couldn’t properly make a desk, so you just pulled it out into the town.

Below that was your list of services and the accompanying prices. So far you only had 5: headpats, ear scritches, wing massages, belly rubs, and horn jobs. You pulled over the office chair you stole from a closet and a couple benches from the café and BAM! You had a sweet ass business.

Everything was ready to go. You kicked your feet up on the desk, interlaced your otherworldly fingers behind your head, and waited for the customers to rack up. And wait you did. It took fifteen minutes for any ponies to even glance at your shack, and another good thirty before a familiar light blue pastel pony showed her way up to the stand.

“Haha! It is I! The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie!” She introduced, once again. “Golly Anon, Trixie looked all over the food court for you! Trixie requires another helping of those ‘hands’ you so graciously give.” Christ this mare and the third person references. She lowered her snout to read the black painted prices on the front of the desk. “Anon, Trixie thinks you’re selling yourself short here. These prices are absurdly low!”

You really didn’t get the whole sense of economics here in Horseville. Sure, the first time you did all this biz you had an entire robber sack of bits, but those were what those ponies wanted to pay you: just tips for services rendered. Like honestly, how do you price a bellyrub? You understand nothing. You’ve bought absolutely nothing with your mass amounts of bits yet. Twilight just buys all the groceries for y’all, you have no clue what even a fucking carrot would cost you here.

“Aight ya baby blue beauty, what do you think I should price all this?” you ask Trixie. “You’re so great and powerful, I don’t know jack shit, so how about you give me the roundabout on the works.”

“Well then Anonymous, if you insist. Trixie will gladly help you charge the perfect price for your pony petting palace. But! You must return the favor with a no-charge bellyrub!” she replied, a giddy smirk smeared over her snout.

“Aye sure that sounds fair enough,” you immediately follow with, and proceed to scoop her up into your arms without even asking her for permission.

A small “Eep!” leaves her face as you carry her over to the two benches that are all but taped together. These ponies are light as fuck, just like holding a big ol’ plushie. So, you sat down, spread your legs, and plopped her into your lap. She sat into you, like you were a human bean bag chair, and just melted into your figure. It was time to engage the belly rubbing procedures.

HANDS: PRIMED

KNUCKLES: CRACKED

ISRAEL: DESTROYED

SLEEVES: NON-EXISTANT

BELLY RUBBING IS A GO!

Your dexterous fingers soon met themselves with Trixie’s light blue chest fluff, and they carefully separated the fine weave of fur, following the path of the hairs down to the root. Slowly your hands went lower and lower, meeting midway between each set of hooves. In the prime belly real estate, you flexed your middle joints, letting the tips of your fingers gently press into her stomach and scratch the itch she never knew she had. It was common for ponies’ tongues to just hang out of their mouths during intense pleasure, and now that Rarity had made you some basic ass t-shirts, you had a set of clothes that could take the whole nine yards. Her tongue (sadly not blue like everything else about her) was letting a fine rope of drool slowly take customs to gravity and finding itself plastered over her chin, chest, and rather close to your shirt. But this was no bother. An acceptable causality in the line of work.

Ove the course of a couple minutes, you let your fingers run over every explorable inch of her soft tummy, leaving no itch left unscratched. Of course, however, there was the large issue with all the mares you had ever touched. Her marehood was profusely leaking. You’d’ve thrown her off for staining your pants, but these were work jeans, and Trixie refused to take off her cape, which was conveniently soaking up any juice that ran off her drenched pussy.

“Dude. Does just a simple fuckin’ belly rub get all your horsey marbles off?” you ask in a monotone voice.

“Gllutrrghhhhh…” was what you got. It seems like her tongue just didn’t want to be a part of her body anymore. Speaking of body parts, that horn was looking mighty appetizing right now. You let the whole town know that she was your favorite flavor, and goddamn you could use some more blue raspberry in your life. The internal 4 second dilemma was over, and you knew she wouldn’t object to a free hornjob. What sane person would refuse getting the pp touch?

Hoping you wouldn’t fry her pony brain with all this pleasure, you ran your own tongue up against the length of her horn. You felt her entire body seize, her stomach becoming rigidly tight before the blue raspberry marecum smell hit your nose. An arc of it had sailed out from her and splattered across the cobblestone. If you knew how godly that smelled earlier, you might’ve taken on a more direct approach to get it. But right now, the focus was simultaneously giving a belly rub and contorting your neck to get that sweet, sweet horn spunk. It’s like you were addicted to blue raspberry and just didn’t know it at the time.

Just like last time apparently, a crowd of ponies had turned up God knows when, and when you looked to see just how far the squirt of love went, your eyes meet a dozen or so mares, and one positively blank colored unicorn. It was your pal Golden Badge, and he didn’t look so happy. That might be from the streak of marecum splashed across his shoulder, and the very acts you were committing in the public of the town square.

You excitedly waved a hand at him and shouted out ‘Heya pal!’, except you still had a mouthful of Trixie’s horn, so it sounded more like “HgeyyAUh puuhal!” Streaks of spit flew from your own mouth in his direction and he recoiled from the bioweapon you so easily produced.

“Anonymous!” Golden barked out at you. “What in the name of Celestia are you even-”

You cut him off with a raised finger. At least they understood some basic gesture you made with your hands. Trixie’s breathing was a lot more ragged now, you knew the delicious payload was here. Like before, everything in her tightened up. A loud moan not unlike any hentai you had seen came from her, and the orgasmic process began. The magic pulsated from the base of her horn, then shot directly into your eager maw. The cool and sweet flavor rushed over your senses, a feeling of tasteful euphoria washed over your being. The fizzy magic swirled over your taste buds, a feeling you were now welcome of. Leeching enough of the flavor, you swallowed at all in one gulp, feeling positively happy.

“Hot diggety damn!” you yelled out. “That’s some good fucking flavor!” Trixie was limp in your lap, so you just pushed her off onto the fuck bench. “Anyway Golden, what was it you wanted?”

The sheer look of confusion and fury was unsettling to say the least. His brow was so furrowed that the lime green of his eyes seemed to take up all the room on his expression, and anything not encompassed by that was the pink-red of what where normally his eye whites. Veins on the sides of his head had become so pronounced you stopped worrying about consequences for your business and for his own health. If his mane wasn’t already a sleek gold, you’d swear the fucker was about to go Super Saiyan.

Badge couldn’t think straight. His mind was stained with Trixie’s cum and rage. If the red in his vision wasn’t anger he definitely popped a vein somewhere. But then, with a blinding light of lime green that would make a Scout main cry, he fired off a magical spell; one designed to kill. Right at you.

You yelped, and shielded yourself, hoping the meat on your arms could save any of your internal organs and your face. What neither of you were ready for, was the spell harmlessly defecting off you into the stratosphere.

You cautiously peeled your limbs off your face to see Golden Badge look like he just pissed the bed. “Dude,” you began, “I have the paperwork for this shit.”

He just looked at you incredulously. He had nothing left on you. All he could do was yell. “BUCK YOU ANON!”

You were not one to lose a shouting match. So, you decided this was an all or nothing. “FUCK YOU BADGE!”

“BUCK YOU, YOU LANKY BITCH!”

“FUCK YOU, YOU MARSHMALLOW FAGGOT!”

“RETARDED APE!”

“YOU’RE ONE CHICKEN NUGGET SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL!”

“Wha?” Golden coughed. Now was your chance!

“FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!” You screamed, accompanied with the most unforgivable gesture of all. The double middle finger. But with that, something sparked within you. It felt like a burp that got stuck in your throat, but in your hands. Crackling electricity formed around your knuckles and a gay magenta formed around your left middle finger. On the other hand, literally, was an all too familiar blue wrapping itself around the right finger.

In a dramatic gesture you flung out your hands for the double middle finger to reach it’s intended target. What surprised everyone involved or just watching was the twin lasers you shot out of your fingertips into Badge’s face.

Badge did a sick ass backflip from the impact and landed on his stomach with a thud. His face was blackened with soot, and his shoulder still had Trixie’s cum on it. The circle of mares at the scene looked down at Badge, then back to you, still staring at your erected middle fingers.

“Holy shit,” you breathed as you looked back up to the crowd. “I’m a fuckin’ wizard y’all!”

You had to test out all this shit. Even for all the trouble you give Twilight for testing things, this wasn’t just any run of the mill science experiment she’d run on you, this way past cool. You reached out your right hand, and thrusted a pointing finger out, only for nothing to happen.

You tried a multitude of ways to reactivate your finger blast. A series of gestures or keywords had to get it going again.

“Fuck you!”

“Laser!”

“Kamehameha!”

“Imma firin’ ma lazer!”

From finger guns, to more middle fingers, nothing was working out in your favor. The initial ‘fuck you’ plus middle finger combo didn’t work again, so you reluctantly decided to go to the town’s magic expert. After you clean up of course. No reason to leave your hard work all sprawled around for any of these ponies to mess with.

With a briefcase of legal jargon tucked under your arm, you threw the conveniently placed tarp over your stand, hopped into the office chair, and kicked your way back home. The cobblestone path was rather bumpy under the hard-plastic wheels, but it was an efficient way to travel for someone who couldn’t teleport. Yet.

Throwing the chair into the brush for later use, you ascended the crystal steps up to the door. Another attempt at magic was had, but your mind wasn’t able to pull the doors open sadly enough. Instead you opted to beat the shit out of the door with your knuckles, not stopping until something opened the door for you. A mint green washed over the handle and you soon found yourself face to face with Starlight. She wasn’t as skittish as when you first met her, but she still felt wary of you.

“Starbright! Where the fuck is Twilight!” you shouted at her. She scooted back from you out of habit, but you had no time for this. “C’mon dude! There’s a goddamn magical mystery afoot!”

“Sh-She’s at a summit meeting with the other princesses,” Starlight managed to tremble out, “what kind of ‘magical mystery’ do you mean Anon?”

“I fuckin’ shot dual laser beams outta my fingers that’s what!” you shouted once again. “Whatever the hell Sprinkle is doing can wait! Tell her to get her soft purple ass over here now!”

“I c-can’t Anon, the summit meetings are specifically designed to hold the occupants within with a magic seal until proper arrangements are met. I may be a strong magic user, but not even Twilight, the Element of Magic, can break out!”

“Well, can you get us in?” you pondered to her.

“Excuse me? You just think we could easily teleport into a meeting of 4 princesses?” she deadpanned. “Anon, that meeting is sealed from the inside out. No one will get in or out. Besides, none of us can even use magic on you. It just slides or bounces off.”

Damn. She was right. There was no way for you to easily get to where ever this meeting was. “It’d take a miracle and a half for the answer to just show itself off.” You sighed.

“Did somepony say a miracle!?” A third voice entered in, resonating somewhere near your waist. And in your waist, it was. Lo and behold, Pinkie’s entire head was protruding from your right pocket. “Look Nonnie, I can get you both in, but you have to Pinkie promise to keep your eyes completely shut for the next 2 minutes and 23 seconds! And don’t question it! Ever!”

Accepting what the fuck was going on, you held out your last finger. The pinky. “Ok Pinks, you don’t, um, have pinkies. How the fuck do we-WHAT THE FUCK!” Pinkie had blown so hard into her hoof that a couple of balloon-like appendages protruded from said hoof.

“Since ponies don’t have hands like you Nonnie, I had to settle with a crazy set that ended up with a cupcake in my eye!” she gestured like there was in fact a cupcake in her hoof going into her eyeball. “This really makes this the most truest Pinkie Promise ever!”

You awkwardly gripped the sausage-like finger with your own pinky, and you both shook on it after. “Alright Nonnie! Shut those peepers! You too Starlight!” Pinkie left your pocket and enveloped you and Starlight into a tight hug. Your hands covered your eyes, not allowing you to see what the fuck was going on, and to not break your promise. Suddenly the floor gave way from under you and the air around dropped 30 degrees (in freedom units you commie fuckers.) A split second later talking could be heard across the… well where ever the fuck you guys were.

“Okiedokie Anon! You can open your eyes!” Pinkie chirped.

“That didn’t feel like 2 minutes and whatever you said earlier Pinkie, just what bullshittery do you think—” she placed a hoof on your face.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhut the buck up. You promised to not question it.” She whispered.

“Ok, fair point.”

Around you were, again, more fucking tall ass walls, with ceilings so far away it was just like Twilight’s castle. The floor, thank christ it wasn’t crystal, was a sleek tile checkerboard, like something you’d see in a 50’s kitchen. Gold trim ran rampant across the pale white walls, equally littered with columns to support this architectural nightmare.

Right next to you three was a giant, and you really mean it, a giant fucking golden door, and you knew just how to enter it with style.

Knock na na knock knock, knock- KASLAM!

You three all kicked the shit out of the door, which swung open into the main room. Stained glass windows decorated all of the sides of the foyer, and a majestic long-ass red carpet weaved from the door all the way to be what looked like a pair of thrones. And sitting on and around those thrones where the 4 princesses of Equestria.

Fun fact, the other 3 princesses had never seen you before. So, Twilight was the one to speak up while the others gawked at you from afar. “How, pray tell, did you three get here.” Twilight asked a calm as she could, keeping from exploding into chunks in front of the other princesses. “This entire floor was warded off. Every form of entry should have been denied, and you Anon! You can’t even teleport here! HOW!!”

You merely pointed down. “Pinks did it,” The pink pony was relentlessly trying to crawl under the carpet, hoping to escape whatever punishment would be doled out.

“Figures.” Twilight sighed, already giving up knowing Pinkie broke through Equestria’s most advanced warding spell with ease. “Might as well use this to slide into the next topic,” she grumbled. She turned back to the three staring alicorns. “Everyone, this is Anonymous. The alien who crash landed in Equestria and who has been living in my castle for the last 3 weeks. He is incredibly tall, crass, and annoying. He somehow speaks our language and is completely null to magic effects.” He kept a deadpan expression for all the explanation. “He currently has a job doing Celestia knows what to ponies for large amounts of bits, and that’s probably why he violated another thousand rules to see us today, isn’t it Anon?”

“Haha, no lol Twinkle. I followed those to a T. However, something else has arisen from all the fun I keep having.” You replied. “I managed to shoot magic lasers out of my fingers. And I can’t seem to do it again, so I need your help.”

Those sentences hit Twilight like a wagon full of bricks. “You… magic???” she weakly puffed out. “Want… help… from me?” Twilight began to hyperventilate, a full-on panic attack about to set in.

A white wing gently rested over Twilight’s back, which snapped her out of the stress induced trance. Princess Celestia took by her side, looking down into her eyes. “Twilight,” she began in a motherly tone, “It seems your friend needs your own guidance in the arts of magic. He obviously trusts you to take the effort to come here. I’ve seen the work you make with the younger unicorns, and Anonymous here should be no exception.”

“You’re right Celestia, if I can teach hundreds of foals basic magic, I can easily teach Anon!” she piped. She turned back to him, but he wasn’t in the same spot he was of 4 seconds ago. “Oh sweet hay where is he.”

You were now at the thrones with dark blue horse and other pink horse. Twilight was with white horse talking about feelings or something gay, so you wandered into the conversation of the other princesses. Dark Blue here was pretty tall. You only had to tilt your head down a tad to look into her giant eyes. ‘Now Anon’ you think, ‘what would be the best course of action to introduces ourselves as?’ They already heard everything about you from Twilight, how else where you to start up a conversation?

“Sooo…. What’s your name Dark Blue?” you inquired towards her.

“Are thou serious? You are unknown to thine own name? Has Sparkle not taught thou the names of her fellow Princesses?” she replied, clearly confused from your lack of knowledge.

“Keep it up and I’m just going to keep calling you Dark Blue. Just tell me your name, christ…” you groan out.

Sensing your impatience, she replied with an actual answer. “We are known as Luna! Princess of the Night!”

“There ya go Luna, weren’t so hard was it?” You were going to give this mare an ear scratch for… iunno, I guess you just wanted to. If you’re the only fucker with hands around here, you should probably use em’. You pulled a hand around to the side of Luna’s head, only for her ears to fold back and her eyes to shrink and display caution. A deep blue magic tried to move your hand away, but she was to busy staring at you when Twilight was explaining that you apparently have anti-magic shit going on.

Hand to ear, deploying in T-minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Your hand made contact with her ear, and you began to gently scratch around. All the worry in her eyes disappeared, a small disconnected smile forming on her lips. “Who’s a fluffy pony princess?” you cooed at her, still scratching.

“We- We are…” she breathed, slowly melting into a pile of princess putty. Suddenly she snapped back to reality, quickly pulling her head away from your hand. “By thine own Stars! No stallion has ever displayed such forwardness unto Royalty!” She shouted.

Twilight rushed over to the two of you looking like you had killed the president. “Anon stop! You don’t understand what you’ve done!” she basically screamed at you.

“Whadda ya mean Twi? I’ve given scritches to everyone. How is Luna any different?”

She leaned in closer to whisper in your ear. “Luna’s mind is fickle. Ever since she returned from her banishment, she still hasn’t exactly caught up on customs!”

You two looked over at Luna, who was clearly comprehending some serious shit right now. “So? What could have possibly changed in 1000 years involving someone scratching a fucking ear?” you whispered back.

“Well—” she began, but you didn’t have time for this shit. You addressed her in a normal voice again. “Looksy here Spankle, we’re getting off topic. I shot magic, and I want to it again. Teach me.”

“Bu- uh- well… I mean after some encouragement from Celestia, I do think I can teach you Anon. But don’t think it’s just going to be a cake walk.”

Both Celestia and Pinkie looked up. “Did someone say cake walk?” they replied simultaneously.

“Celestia’s the white one, right?” you whisper again.

“Yes Anon. And it’s Princess Celestia. She’s main ruler of this place you know.” She corrects.

“Aight, glad we’re all caught up. Now let’s skedaddle. Luna is looking at me funny.” You reply.

“That’s why I ran over here Anon. This one’s on you.” She nonchalantly replied.

“What do you mean on me—” you were cut off by a thunderous exclamation from the navy-blue princess only 2 feet away.

“SIR ANONYMOUS! WE HATH CONSIDERED THY PROPOSOTION AND SHALL ACCEPT GRACEFULLY!” she bellowed in what would be known as the ’Royal Canterlot Voice’. “NO STALLION OF ANY SORT HATH DISPLAYED SUCH ADVANCES FOR OVER A MILLENIA! AND FOR THAT WE ACCEPT THY HOOF IN MARRIAGE!”

Holy Maretrimony

Author's Note

It only took so long to get this out because I kept playing minecraft. Thanks to every one of you for being patient.

Holy Maretrimony

A fleeting sense of power in your legs. Ringing in your ears. Weird colorful horses in your vision. What the fuck happened and why is everything getting blurry? Wait, why’s the ground getting so clo-

A seemingly endless black void stretches throughout your field of view, nothing else to capture your attention. A rising sense of dread starts to overcome you, but rational thinking keeps it back for the moment. Panicking is a bad choice right now, fucking hell what would Purple Horse do right now, that isn’t variable testing? She’d probably be calm and ask questions before finally breaking down. Worth a shot you guess.

“Welcome Anons and Anonettes, to the Wheel of Personality! I’m your host, TV-Host Personality Anon! Seems the main guy in charge had some sort of overload and short circuited the ol’ melon! So today, per regulations of the current governing body, whoever selected for this quarter’s wheel has the chance to take over!” A ruggedly handsome looking version of Anon donned in a two piece tux looks out over his audience. A hundred or so of the true Anon’s personality traits sit in a studio house looking on in anticipation of the rare wheel spin. To the side of Host Anon sat a comically large wheel with six distinct panels. “This quarter, six lucky personalities have the chance to deem themselves the ruler of the subconscious and control all the other aspects!” On the wheel sat the names of the six personality traits. Meek, brutal, emotionally challenged, cynical, analytical, and joyous. “Well folks, after the state mandated break, we’ll be back to spin this wheel!” Host Anon shouts, the hundreds of other Anon’s clapping and cheering.

Where the fuck are you? You know nothing of where you are or how you got here. What the hell happened? Something involving teleporting with Pinks, and now nothing. Christ, are you dead?! It’s too moderately temperate to be Hell, and too fucking dark to be Heaven. You’ll settle on Purgatory right now. Stay calm Anon, don’t fret. No need to fret yet at least. You can’t see jack shit around you, but your clothes emit a soft glow to let you know you’re not a disembodied voice. Wait, glowing clothes? Since when did you own a bitchin’ wizard get-up? It’s all decked out in gold stars against a blue robe. Sweet. Other than that, there’s no sounds, no points of reference, nothing.
Might as well walk. And that you did. Only after wandering the dark for minutes did you hear a faint noise; was that cheering? Walking towards the source led you to what looked like a game show studio set. What the fuck. Who records shit all the way out here in fucking dark town?
Getting closer to the set, the faint cheering is now all that you can hear, the applause ringing throughout this empty void. Before you lies a simple door, gray like the rest of the set, but without a doorknob. From beyond the intangible walls, a silky smooth voice rang out. It was familiar, like something you yearned to have. “And welcome back ladies and gentlemen! We hope you purchased a lovely accessory from tonight’s sponsor! With the end of our break, it’s time to spin the Personality Wheel!” the gorgeous voice spoke out.
Wait a fuck, a personality wheel? What kind of garbage ass game show is this? Nothing for miles and this is all they could come up with? You need to have a word with them.
“Who’ll be the lucky Anon to take over it all?! Lets! Spin! This! Wheel!” the voice shouted, and the clickety clack of a plastic hand running over short prongs filled the air in the room, the crowd going silent.
Lucky Anon? That’s you! You gotta take it over! Fuck yeah! You pushed against the door, but it didn’t budge. Undeterred, you took a step back and put more force into your shove. Still, the door stood in place. Now you’re getting pissed off. Just like the internet said, you gotta kick near the lock. But this fucker doesn’t even have a doorknob. No matter to you, so with a swift kick to the middle of the door, nothing happened. Again.
Now you’re really mad. No one or no thing is going to stop you from being the lucky winner! You positioned yourself optimally, and kicked as hard as you could. Nothing.
“God FUCKING DAMNIT!” you screamed at the door. “FUCKING.” you shouted again, “OPEN!”
A burst of magic shot from your hands, and impacted the door with a really fucking loud, but colorful explosion. You smirked, and walked through the doorway, masked by smoke and feeling real cool about getting magic to work again.
When the smoke dissipated, what you witnessed didn’t help to explain any of the last few minutes. Everyone in the room was you. But not exactly you. Most had different clothes than what you’d normally wear, or some minor change to them. Longer or shorter hair, the resting bitch face, the air or confidence wasn’t present for many, and more.
Every Anon variant was staring at you. The silky voiced Anon seemed to be the one on stage with you, evident of the slim microphone in his grasp and the stellar black tuxedo he was donned in. “Alright son, no need to interrupt the wheel,” TV Host Anon began, “just go back to your seat and wait for the result.”
“Result? I’m Anon! I’m here to take it all over!” you asked confused. He just looked at you and laughed.
“Ah, haha, I see. You’re one of the newest creations here. Son, we’ll ALL Anon here. Something’s real wrong with the chain of command to keep creating us personalities, so this here’s the way we determine who’s next when the Anon in charge blacks out too hard or experiences something he can’t take.” TV explained.
Christ that’s scary. Have you been making multiple you’s in your brain? Wait! You’re in your brain! You have total control over this dominion!
“Looksy here pal.” you start, “I don’t know what wacko scenario the ol’ brainerator came up with, but I’m just gonna have to stop you all right here.” Surely in the most manly power move you could manage, you grabbed the wheel and tore it from the wall. Everyone in the room gasped. Reaching into your hella slammin’ wizard robes, you pulled a black marker out of it. Your brain, your rules ya know? You then proceeded to scribble out every one of those dumbass personalities, and simply wrote “Fuckin’ Awesome Wizard” over them.
The magic felt normal now, maybe that’s because you had cool robes, or the fact you actually had a beard this entire time. Didn’t feel like acknowledging it earlier, but you honestly like it. Feeling the magic course through your veins, your finger lit up, and you picked up the wheel in a telekinetic grasp. Fuckin’ natural. Suck on that Twilight.
You placed the wheel in its original place, and gave it a comedic spin. Surely enough, it landed on one of your newly printed labels. “Suck on that you good looking bitch!” you remarked to TV. A heavenly beam of light poured into from the inky void, sourced from what appeared to be a trapdoor pulled open. It enveloped you, and a recognizable tone spoken out. “What up faggot?” you spoke out. But not you, you. The real you. Long fluffy hair, an unreadable face, exquisite plaid overshirts, and some worn out jeans. You reached out to yourself from the hole in the sky, and hosted yourself up into a control room.
Confusing ain’t it? You’ve actually been Wizard Anon this entire time. Your brain manipulation? Nah, man, just the power of plot magic, and real magic to be honest. But now, you’re the real Anon. The big man in charge. The big boss.
You looked at your wizardly portrayal of yourself. “Ready to get this dumbass booted up? I crashed this meat machine and I think I really need a co-pilot now. I think a slammin’ wizard me will fit the bill just nicely. Can’t go around fucking everything up without a handy dandy co-pilot to save my ass.”
Wizard you agreed to join, and sat down at the control panel. You joined him and strapped into the cushy office chair. A big red button labeled “REBOOT” started to emit a harsh red glow. A key was turned, and you slammed down onto it.
******
“Is he supposed to be frothing Twilight?” Luna asked to you.
“I don’t know! He’s a one of a kind! I haven’t had time to study him in that way yet!”
you panicked. “I doubt that he’s too different from ponies, BUT FROTHING ISN’T GOOD!” you broke down, for more reasons than one. Your horsebando was now violently foaming at the mouth, and a superior princess just agreed to marry him! This was not good at all! No more head pats, no more late night creeping on him, no sexual touching!
Hyperventilating was all you could do. Your eyes were bulging out of our head. Everything was taking a turn for the worse. ‘What did Anon do in these times?’ you thought. He was always relaxed, too relaxed most of the time, but still. There it is. His methods. How could you ever forget what he said? You took a few deep breaths, letting the air fill your lungs.
“FUUUUUUUUUCK!” you screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. That really hit the spot. No wonder Anon swears like this, it’s way more relieving.
However now, all the ponies present in the room are staring at you. Note that was only ponies, Anon is still convulsing on the ground gargling out foam. You blushed sheepishly, forgetting you were in the company of the two rulers of Equestria, even if you were a princess yourself.
“Wowie Twilight! You sounded just like Anon!” Pinkie exclaimed. “A little too much, if you ask me.” Starlight piped in.
“Blughtgntkbbppbpbp” Anon replied, but not really. The foam was compounding around and out of him at an alarming rate. How he hadn’t died from choking to death was amazing.
“Does anyone have some sort of an idea right now? Magic is a bust and it looks like we’re more likely to drown in his spittle before he finishes!” you ask out.
“Ooh ooh ooh! Me me me me me! I have a super idea Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed hyperactively. She bounced over like a well shaken soda can and landed directly on Anon’s chest.
“KBLARK” was the sound Anon made, shooting a fountain of froth over Pinkie. “Ewie ew! I’m covered in Nonnie’s not good white stuff!” she whined. “This’ll take forever to get the smell out, yucky!”
‘You bucking what Pinkie?!” you shouted. “Did you buck Anon under my nose you hyperactive whorse?!”
“What? No silly! Anon just makes reallllllly good cheesecake frosting! We made cakes a week ago!” Pinkie replied. “Besides Twilight, you didn’t even claim him! Princess Luna just did!”

That big blue bucker believes that she knows how to even start to care for Anon?! She’s known about him for less than an hour and they’re engaged! Anon might’ve only lived with you for only a hoofful of weeks, but that’s more than her! Should you have stopped Anon when he went for the ear scratch? He had no clue what it meant, but neither did anyone else in the room. You only knew from the hundreds of equine traditions books you read to not feel like a lonely sack of shit.

Hearing her name, Luna stepped over to her new fiancée’s sprawled corpse. “Sparkle, what was the accursed word thou spoke that thine Anon repeats?” She asked to you.
“Uhh, fuck?” you replied to the dark blue moon horse.
“Very well then. Everypony, cover thy ears.” Luna looked down at Anon and quickly inhaled. “ANONYMOUS! WAKETH THE FUCK UP!” she bellowed in the completely OP voice.
“AHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE TO GIVE THE LIVING HAIRCUTS!” Anon screamed while achieving perfect rigidity in his lower back. He shot up like Pinkie on crack and just wouldn’t stop shouting. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I WAS ON TV! WIZARDS! MINIATURE VERSIONS OF ME PILOT THIS MEAT SUIT! FUCK! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” He collapsed back down into his foam pile, but now no longer expelling anymore of that foul substance. Dude needs to brush his teeth.
Cadence, who couldn’t comprehend the current conundrum, cautiously cantered over to your crowd. The poor mare hadn’t spoken a single word since Anon barged in. “Should… should we move him somewhere… not covered in his own spittle?” she asked all of you.
“Yes, that plan sounds quite fine.” Luna responded, electing to grab Anon’s pant leg with her teeth and began to drag him across the floor towards the wide open, towering doors. Thankfully he wasn’t dead. Your only source of conformation was the steady rise and fall of his chest and the quiet mumbles and grumbles that passed from his lips as the Lunar Diarch dragged him to a guest room.
“Ahohmyouf ifh quih heafy!” Luna said through the tough denim sandwiched between her teeth. A bit of pulling led the group of mares and the KO’d dumbass to the guest room, where Luna then elected to spin around and fling Anon onto the small pony sized bed. Unfortunately, beds are made in mind for light pony folk, so you all watched Anon carreen through the air and smash that bed into dust.

“Heavens above! Anonymous!” Luna shrieked while dashing to his ragdolled body. “Fuck thee fuck thee fuck thee, what hath we done?”
***

Whoa ho ho! It’s Anonymous time! Now fully functional, you cracked your eyes open. Sure, you’ve only been out for a minute or two since the Blueberry Queen screamed in your ear, but now somehow you’re upside-down and in a pile of wood and... mattress pieces? Did you already have bed-shattering sex while you were unconscious? Damn, you wished you were awake for that. You’re getting married anyway, nothing too bad’ll happen if you fuck right now. Oh yeah, getting married. You actually fainted like some soap opera retard.

You now fully opened your eyes. The party of six that were in the throne room seemed to have moved you to... somewhere else. It’s upside-down however, so the rest of your vision seems to be rather dark blue.

“We? I hope that’s your old time-y talking Princess, we didn’t do anything!” Pinkie chirped out. You rolled your eyes upward to make out the other five ponies watching you and Luna. Cadence and Celestia looked at Luna while simply shaking their heads.

“If it’s any consolation,” you started, opting to just flop to your side, “it feels like someone cracked every piece of my spine and I feel as limber as a twelve year old Asian girl forced to do gymnastics.”

“By the stars! You’re alright Anonymous!” sighed Luna.

“Well I mean, yeah. I checked out like a little bitch, but that’s the brunt of it. Maybe a lil mental trauma from the hallucinations, but go off I guess.” you replied. “And with that,” you began again, “why the fuck am I in a pile of bed?”

“We apologize Anon, but thou seem much heavier than the eye lets on to. Our... efforts were within good intention but the fact of the matter is that your heft shattered the bed to pieces.”
Luna responded to your inquiry.

“Well golly gee Shakespeare, here I thought we did the do so well we brought the bed back to its basic components.”

“Did the do? Anon, I don’t quite follow...” she paused. A creeping rush of blood ran to her snout, the deep blue slowly taking on the color of Twilight’s coat. “Anonymous!” she gasped. “How uncouth!” She giggled and smacked you gently with her hoof. “We are thousands of years old and as such we are a well traditioned mare.” She composed herself and looked out to the rest of the room. “Friends, we believe that we need some time alone with Anon to... talk, about our current situation.”

One by one the other three princesses and their friends glanced at another and shuffled out of the tattered guest room. Twilight was the last to go and flashed a somber look at you before shutting the door.

“Now then Anonymous,” Luna turned to you again. You were still slumped on your side, so you took the initiative to right yourself up, sitting right next to her. “We understand that thou were not knowing of our customs. Anypony with the gall to make such a move within mere minutes of introduction would have to be rightfully out of their mind or completely unaware of the situation they were in.”

You were now confused. “Then, what of the, uh, marriage proposal exclamation?” You inquired back.

“Anon, to be truly fair, t’was merely only a jest at thine expense. However, we did not plan for the sudden loss of thine consciousness, and the delirious screaming from thou. Anon, we meant it only to be seen as a ruse, but we... we feel something is amiss.” Dark Blue was looking right into your eyes, her own teal spheres gazing into your soul. A galaxy of stars swept through her mane as non-existent wind brushed it away idly.

“Anon, we’re reminded of a time gone by with thou. A time of little prejudice from bygone actions and one of a more hooves-on approach to life. The carefree stance you showed immediately barging through our doors make us yearn for something we’ve not had in millenia.”
A light blush crept upon her once again, still she continued to stare into your eyes. “While we may have been having a laugh in the beginning dear Anon, we... we wish to ‘get to know you’ as Celestia says. We may not like her wishes to take things slow in this age, but the matter stands my friend.”

Man, you certainly sparked something here didn’t you? Just what horsefuckery would you find yourself in if you take her up?

And just when do you ever think about risks you bumbling meat suit? You’ve defiled all of us in here already, more ponies aren’t going to harm us anymore.
‘Aha! Hello brain!’ you thought inwardly towards your everso ignored command center. ‘Sure has been a while since you spoke up!’

What the hell are you talking about? We were just- ah fuck it nevermind lad. Just keep talking to the pretty horse. You know you like her.

You take aim to think downwards a bit. ‘Heya, brain. Can you tell the good ol’ PP that he shouldn’t get his hopes up?’ You snicker at your own joke.

Fuck you. Talk to the princess.

‘Fine mom.’

“An-anon are thou ok? Thou has been making faces for the last minute and giggling at the air. We fear we may have... in-insulted thou.” Luna quivered, fearing she royally fucked up.

“Ah nah, don’t worry about me there. Just had a chat with the ol’ brain to get some ideas in line.” You just looked back towards her and smiled, your eyes closed; a bright cheery expression that couldn’t ever be marred. You reopened your eyes to once again gaze into the teal pools that take up all of your current view. “Hey Luna.” you softly spoke.

“Y-yes Anonymous?” she whispered.

“Boop.”

Your finger quickly unfolded itself from your fist and met its mark on the end of Dark Blue’s snout. She simply looked at your hand cross-eyed before the same purple hue replaced the navy blue of her coat. Her left eye was twitching. Her chest seemed to be on the verge of convulsions. A sharp breath was drawn in, her soft coat expanding, before breaking down into a fit of giggle-snorts.

“By-by my *snort* si-sister’s mane! Ahahah! Anon! Thou *snark* absolu-lute ruffian! *pffft~*” she barely managed to get out. She had fallen to her side, which put her right in front of you.

‘Damn, that didn’t work like it did on Starburst then. I guess it’s time for attempt two.’ you thought. ‘Brain. Prime the TM-2000.’

Hands are locked and loaded. Target is wide open captain.

‘Excellent. Contact in... now!’

Fingers primed, your hands met with the soft tuft of fur on her belly. A forest of deep blue seemed to simply absorb the image of your hands, but the resistance of her tummy helped remind you that one of your main advantages in this world wasn’t gone forever. Her infectious giggles were proven ineffective against you, but all sounds of joviality ceased as Luna looked up at you with wide eyes and the same purple-ish hue across her face.

“You thought you were getting bellyrubs, BUT IT WAS I! THE TICKLE MACHINE!” you shout out. Your hands began to move erratically move across the surface of the princess, your fingers adding in another layer of complexly random movement.

“Wha-hahAA~! HAha! An-Aon s-stop! Eee!” she squealed through hitched breaths.

“Never! You have made a fool of me! Now I shall repay the favor!” you jest back. You choose to not let up your relentless attack with your dexterous fingers, Luna still squirming around beneath you and laughing to her heart’s content.

Soon you found yourself feeling a tad weaker in the arms, the joints in your fingers feeling the buildup from aggressively flexing to release every giggle from Luna. She seemed almost breathless, the open smile on her face laughed silently as her chest heaved and twitched, but almost seemed painful from your relentless tickling. This was the indicator for you to finally quit your attack. The instant you let up, Luna followed suit and collapsed into a puddle of pony, quickly panting to regain air and composure.

“Anonymous we, *huff*, didn’t expect thou to be so, aggressive in your torture. Truly no mere pony could easily pin us down and destroy our will to get back up.” she said with a smirk. “Verily, it seems that thou would prefer to keep us pinned down more and more if thou could.”

“I’d say in your dreams Princess, but knowing you I have a sneaking suspicion that you’d be right in your element with them.” you retorted cheekily.

She chuckled at that, but soon found herself looking at you quizzically. “Anonymous, how’st thou know so much of us despite not even knowing our name before meeting?”

“Oh Luna,” you sighed, trying to ruffle the stars in her mane. “Do you honestly think Twilight wouldn’t lecture the history of Equestria to me like, I dunno, six times? I know all about what you guys do, but I didn’t have a face to put the name to.”

A downtrodden look quickly replaced the amused glint in her eyes hearing your response. “So thou’st knows of our... history.” she whispered out. Small beads of tears began to accumulate in those giant eyes of hers, but you weren’t having any of it.

“Do you really think, that out of all the living things on this weird ass planet, that I’d be the one to care whatever you did god knows however long ago?” Your thumb came up to her face, slowly wiping away the moisture before full on tears could appear. “To be honest,” you leaned in whispering. “It’s fuckin’ badass.” Her eyes simply widened as she focused on what you said. “You go all fuckin’ superpower mode, and take shit over. I love the kind of woman that can kick my ass.” you whisper into her ear. Luna’s ear flicks twice from the heat of your breath.

Cute.

‘Should I really do this brain?’

Goddamnit yes. Sweet sweet dopamine here we come.

“Hey Luna?” you ask again in low whisper. You lean back and cup the other side of her face with your other free hand.

“What is it Anonymous?” she whispers back, staring back at you, eyes still wide.

“Going slow is for looooosers.”

You leaned back in towards her and planted a firm kiss upon her navy blue lips. Nothing too long, but still something to get the ball rolling. That plan was then shot in the face multiple times as Luna locked her forelegs around the back of your head pulling you right back in as you went to dismount from your smooch.

“MMphh!” That was the only sound you made, the surprise only able to escape through your nose. And a surprise it was. A quick kiss was fine, but this prolonged makeout was just something else. Luna had rolled to her side, pulling you along with her. No crazy pony magic was needed, but you did help her out by flopping yourself over her. No way she’d be able to drag you like that on her own.

Do you know what a horse’s tongue is like? Well whatever it could be compared to, it was currently being jammed down your throat. You own tongue lost the battle, even with home advantage. It stood no chance against the mighty 8 inches of Luna’s mouth muscle, so you accepted your defeat here.

You both continued to lay there; arms, hooves, and mouths interlocked. The ancient ritual of swapping spit between each other seems the make the seconds feel like hours. And as those perceived hours passed, you slowly broke the session to simply ask her a question.

“How far will you let me get with this?” you asked in a low whisper. You were trying to go for alluring but since when had you ever needed to use that tone?

Luna responded in a sultry whisper. “What thoughts swirl through thine mind Anonymous? We are certainly willing to the tried and true, but if thou have a more recent approach We shall certainly let thee try.”

With permission granted, you pull yourself upright before helping Luna do the same. “Alright, there’s a serious height change from the last time I tried this, so you just sit still here.” you tell her. You take to your feet for a brief moment, just allowing you to position yourself right in front of her, the perfect position to let her muzzle rest at the same height as your stomach. “Here we are. Are you ready Princess? All you gotta do it keep it quiet when I start.”

“Whatever would we keep quiet for? We should let the world--BY ALL CREATION!” she shrieked in pleasure. You had taken the dark blue alicorn’s massive and girthy horn into your hand and had begun to trace the inset spiral travelling from her skull to the very tip. Sharp breaths and small whinnies peeped out of her mouth as my hands moved agonizingly slow up her horn, making sure to feel every inch of it. It certainly wasn’t something she had felt in forever it looked like, she looked so much like Twilight did when you first fucked up; eyes crossed and trying to roll back into her head, her massive tongue simply flopped out of her mouth and let a small strand of drool stretch itself thin finding its way to the floor with the help of gravity.

Soon you picked up speed. Instead of a slow ascent accompanied with a descent even slower, you had worked into a fluid up and down spanning the entire length of her horn in your grip. No longer did Luna out small squeaks and such; these were now moans. Deep lusty noises emanated from her throat, letting her pleasure be known to the world. Or at least to you, the raw sexual energy helping you pop a stiffy. This was the only thing to give you a boner here, besides the cycle of time itself. Certainly made mornings awkward when Twilight woke you up.

“Oh ho ho~ What do we have here?” Luna purred at you. The interjection caused you to stop jerking her off for a moment. She seemed to be adamant about getting into your pants now that el peniso made his grand appearance. Despite the wishes of the solar matriarch, not even the evil workings of a man’s button and zipper would keep Luna from getting at the prize underneath your clothing. “Lucky for us, the magic which avoids thou certainly works on thine clothing Anonymous~”

She was really taking it that far huh? You were the one who said going slow was for losers, guess you can’t complain.

After struggling to work the simple act of unbuttoning pants, Luna managed to get your jeans out of the way before huffing in annoyance. “Anon. Why must thou wear a second pair of trousers under the first. We were close to the prize beneath.”

“Hey don’t sweat it tall blue and cute. These lads slip right on down.” With one final tug your boxer briefs stretched across your thighs and your pp was known to the present company. “Luna, meet Anon Part Two: The Anonining.”

“Anonining?”

“Yeah, Anonining.”

“Tis a difficult name to pronounce.”

“Look you can call it whatever you want. Just do whatever you were going to do before.”

“Very well.”

While it’s true your peepee isn’t the greatest gift God ever made in the nine realms plus whatever this children’s book of a dimension is, it was average enough back home and now by the laws of the transitive property, it is the supreme tool here. It worked for what, two chicks? And now that the average size for something you’d be sticking your dick into has dropped incredibly, it makes your meat scepter look like you’re the top paid actor in the porno biz. With that said, your phallus bounced as the elastic from your briefs caught on the ridge of the head, rigid as all be. The spring action of your dick seemed to spook Luna, and not just because it suddenly brushed against her snout. Her fault, why’d she have to be so close?

“Ack! Thou ruffian! Thou’st dare come untoward us so quickly?” Luna barked with a smirk.

“Well I sure hope I won’t be cumming quickly. Would be quite the misfortune to be finished so soon in the presence of such a lady. You mocked with a half bow.

“Eugh. Never do that again Anon.”

“Yeah that was too far, nearly killed my boner.”

“Goodness! Well we certainly can’t have that happening,” she whispered in the same sultry tones. “These sorts of deals are always hit or miss in the circuits of time.”

“Hit or miss? I guess they never miss huh?”

You just stood there with a dumb look plastered on your face. You just stooped down to the lowest form of comedy purely for your own amusement. No one here would ever understand what utter garbage you spewed, and surely that would be for the best. Except Luna took those cursed words to heart. Also your dick to her mouth.

You can do the math. An 8 inch tongue versus... well, sadly not 8 inches, means that a certain someone was now standing on their toes from the sudden stimulation on their member. Since you’re the only one in a 500 mile radius with real toes, deductive reasoning finds that Luna’s tongue has spiraled around your cock. Call it fate, or a premonition, but Fibonacci was doing something right with that golden ratio. It had to be a perfect match of your length to Luna’s tongue to allow such immaculate spiraling, and somewhere in the stretches of the multiverse an italian and a cripple felt pride and accomplishment in your achievements. Simple bobs of her head we enough for her to let her nose continuously boop your abdomen, the wet slickness of her jaw convincing you that you actually died in the first place and this is just your own heaven. But for what reason should you hog all the bliss to yourself?

You reached your hand back out and reclaimed the massive navy pole perched between the sea of sparkles Luna calls her mane. She responded immediately with a hearty moan, the walls of her throat buzzing the hell out of your dick. Once again you resumed the pleasuring of her horn. It was like beating your meat but at a weird angle. Horns are much harder than your own dick, except for that one time you were so inexplicably aroused that you could’ve registered yourself as an 11 on the Mohs hardness scale.

Like all the other ponies, Luna seemed to be a quick shot as well. She was panting pretty heavily, probably a lack of oxygen nonetheless, but all the other signs of being close were showing up. Like every other unicorn, arcs of lightning jumped from groove to groove of her horn and small sparks were showering out to the air. Unlike any other however, was that these arcs looked huge and dangerous. The dark blue magic hopped around frantically, escaping the current of the horn and finding your hand as a suitable replacement for the least resistance.

You’d expect huge crackling bolts of magic electricity to scar and burn your skin. It didn’t even hurt you, in fact it felt quite pleasant, recharging even. Aside from that, the source of the magic was ready to blow.

“Are you ready for the final move?” you ask downward.

Luna was too busy sucking you off to hear that. You took your hand off of her horn and tapped her on the cheek. Stepping back your meat was released with a pleasant pop as Luna pouted at you.

“We had thou on the ropes! Tis not fair to suddenly stop now, as we are so close too!”

“I know that Moonass, that’s why you forced my hand to use the final technique.”

You stepped forward to perform the finishing blow. And slipped in some pretty pony princess pussy juice. You’re not sure how you missed it in the first place, the bottoms of your shoes had been soaked for the last 5 minutes.

“Fuck” is all you can mutter as you careen to the floor. With a sick splat you feel the result of your work slowly soak itself into your shirt and pants.

“I smell like a blueberry air freshener.” you spoke upwards. Luna only looked slightly mortified as you casually laid in her love puddle. “So uh, do we... keep going?” you ask. She’s still staring at you. You picked yourself up, dripping the puddle back onto the floor. “I’m gonna, uh, take all this off if that’s ok.” She slowly nodded at you.

Peeling your shirt off gave Luna the sight she was waiting for. Shirtless you. It wasn’t even a rare sight to be honest, you’d wander the castle and town in just your undies. Twilight would then come by and magic on some clothes and mutter something about tempting the masses. Hypocrite she was, she doesn’t even wear clothes.

Clothes now off, Luna kept looking you up and down. You’re just a lanky lad and not much else. Fit on the outside but not in, cardio is a bitch. “Welp, I guess we just... go back at it. But let's add something fun in now.” With that you pulled your tongue right up the length of her horn. She gasped aloud and you could feel her shudder in place. Luna was still close to finishing despite the little interruption, sparks were starting to form on the tip of her horn again. That said, you took a good portion of it down your throat. You could be a professional sword swallower if you tried, these alicorn horns are pointy as fuck.

“F-fuck us...” Luna moaned in her silly old horse speak.

You chuckled at that, and that in turn sent a shockwave of pleasure directly into her head.

“O Ye Gods Anonymous! We’re cumming!” she shouted, but not in the super duper loud voice.

‘We’re cumming? I haven’t came yet... what is she talking about?’ was all you were thinking as a powerful blast of magic nearly ripped out the back of your throat. Coughing and sputtering you managed to swallow most of the blueberry magic but some instead found its way in your nose. Ever had a particularly spicy burp after drinking a soda and having it burn your nostrils as it came up? It feels like that but ten times worse.

“GAH! FUCK! IT’S IN MY FUCKING NOSE! SHIT!”

You just ran around the room and yelled as Luna wobbled in place.

“MY FACE IS FUCKING MELTING! CHRIST ALMIGHTY MAKE IT STOP!”

A quick sneeze from you launched the remaining liquid magic onto a curtain, which promptly ignited itself.

The door then burst open revealing the other three princesses and your partners in crime.

“Oh hiya guys.” you casually waved at them all. Each pony had the same expression of confusion and arousal looking into the aftermath of your shenanigans with Luna. All except Pinkie who just kept the same giant grin since you last saw her, and frankly since you first met her.

The room in particular was in shambles. The smashed bed had found itself in even more spread out pieces, multiple things were now on fire and smoking, you were clothesless, sporting a hardon with your pantaloons arounds your thighs, and Luna was passed out in the pool of her own cum.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SISTER YOU LUNATIC!” Celestia shouted at you.

“Uhhhhhh, she started it.” That was a blatant lie, but you still pointed at the still body of Luna hoping it’d work.

“YOU THINK I CAN’T SEE THROUGH THIS FAÇADE?!” was her response, which included charging her horn up.

“Ohgodohfuckpleasedon’tturnmeintoapileofmushshitfuckahfuck” you screamed while running in circles, avoiding Celestia’s gatling gun of a horn shooting deadly lasers.

“Anon!” Twilight shouted at you, “Just stand still!”

“Are you more retarded than normal right now? SHE’S GONNA MELT ME!” you screamed back.

“Just do it you tall bastard!” she retorted.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” you shrieked as you slid to a halt, Luna’s self lubrication doing its job somewhat as it propelled you across the room. A bright gold beam of the strongest magic in Equestria was then fired from the currently conscious sister directly at your chest, which to yours and Celestia’s surprise, bounced off, again.

“I swear Anon, you’ve taken fifteen times the lethal dose of magic multiple times now and you’ve been surprised every time it’s happened.”

“Don’t blame me you crazy bitch! It’s fucking scary!”

“Ok, fine. How about this? Where are your clothes?” Twilight deadpanned to you. You simply pointed to the cum soaked articles on the ground. “Ok, first off, gross. Secondly, why are you arcing lightning everywhere?”

Sure enough, those navy blue bolts were going haywire, jumping from each cum-puddle footprint across the floor directly into your body. You waved your arms in a rainbow shape, waggling your fingers simply whispering “magic.”

“Yes I get it’s magic Anon, but what kind of magic?” Twimple replied.

That’s right, magic is an actual thing and not some blow off answer to something you don’t understand. “Ain’t my magic Twiginometry, it’s all blue like Luna. It just likes me.” you smiled.

“Wowie! All this glowy stuff sure likes you Nonnie!” said a muffled voice... from within... your chest?

“Oh god oh fuck please tell me you are not actually inside if me right now Pinkie PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHEST!” you screamed at the sugar horse.

“Fine, fine, sheesh.” she responded, before tumbling out of the wardrobe adjacent to you.

“I’m going to drink myself to death tonight. I pray that you didn’t fuck with my liver.”

Somehow back next to the group of ponies she responded, “Oh don’t be such a baby, livers grow back.” She whispered to Cadence, “they actually do but I have to keep this gag going!~” Pinkie took the time to pull out a notepad and quickly scanned it over. “And with that, I’ve fulfilled the reference quota!” Pulling on a pair of swim goggles and a excessively long snorkel, Pinkie climbed up the wardrobe, bent her knees, and dived into the cum puddle. No drips, splashes or kerplunks, Pinkie’s dive sent her into the unknown, and out of the room.

“I’m gonna learn how to do that, mark my fucking worms.” you proclaimed towards the remaining ponies.

“Your... worms?” Asked Cadence. “Don’t you mean your words?”

“No, you Bubblegum Dum Dum, I mean my fucking worms.” An awkward silence washed over all of you, no one really sure as how to respond to your ramblings. “Anyway, Twilight darling, I ate more magic again and I feel really tingly. Like I ate a whole bucket of batteries. Specifically 9 volts. No, I haven’t eaten 9 volt batteries if you’re thinking that. Not at all. Don’t think about it.”

“Did you ingest Luna’s magic!? This is an unprecedented danger factor Anon! An unknown entity harnessing the power of two alicorns? What will happen to your body? Think of the questions! The science... oh yeah, the unf~, research, ahhh~” Twilight degraded into a half-lidded mess, mumbling about repeat trials and exponential variables. Something from behind you finally made some noise, the shuffling sound of hooves weakly made its way by your side.

“Thank the heavens,” Celestia sighed, “Are you alright Luna? What did he do to you?”

“Thoust would not be able to dream of what fair Anonymous here has done to us,” the blue princess purred, “and frankly we wish to see what else he would be willing to do~”

“Yeah that’s right, just wait and see what I can do! C’mon Cellophane, I’ll do ya good just like Luna, no strings attached! Lemme see what that magic tastes like!” you joked, but not really. Three alicorn powers in you? That’d be rad. Celestia’s snout flushed red, the blood rush either embarrassment or rage that you had the audacity to say those words.

Your quip was enough to gather Twilight’s attention again, as the mumbling pony shook her head and immediately got back into science mode. “I just said two alicorn magic sources were dangerous, don’t you bucking dare try for a third Anon!”

“Yeah, but think of all the science Twi,” you teased.

“Science or not, all that sexy, sexy science, we can’t just expect everything to work out because whatever deus ex you’ve come up with said it’ll all work out.”

“Well, that sounds cool and all, but I still want to learn how this magic stuff works. It not like I can just incant from the bottom of my heart and fire off a spell,” you say grumpily.

“Actually,” Twilight sighs, “that’s exactly how it works. Unicorn magic at least, is purely emotional. And you Anon, being so incredibly smug and dense, should easily be able to tap into that power without much focus. All you need is to know what you really want, and visualize it happening. Levitation, teleportation, any transmutation spells are all perfect examples about the understanding of what you can do with picturing it in the eye of your heart.”

That really does wrap it all up in a nice bow for you. You got so angry at Golden Badge that you kamehameha’d the fucker. Twice. “So I just gotta feel, something? Like a specific emotion?” you ask.

“Starting out yes. Focusing on a feeling is the way all foals start, and by the time they reach an understanding of the basics, magic will latch onto a latent emotion they constantly show. For you Anon, it would easily latch onto the smugness you emit.” Twilight looked warily at you. She had good reasons, like you were a ticking time bomb of powerful princess magic.

“So get me right here, all I have to do is focus hard,” you begin, starting to think about all the trouble you caused, what all that chaos felt like to you, “and imagine what I want to do?” Rushing feelings of schadenfreude spread through your body and you turned to Luna. A single offensive digit on your hand began to hum and glow bright green.

“What are you doing Anonymous?” Celestia cautiously asked. She couldn’t stop anything you wanted. No one here could. You began to point at the blue princess and simply said your magic rhyme:

“Skippity do, skippity dee, make this princess talk like me!”

A snap of your fingers and a green flash disoriented you for a second, like an unexpected camera flash sending your vision to another plane of existence. Sparks and swirls of the same color lingered around your hand and the target of your spell. “What have you done Anon? What have you done to me!?” Luna shouted. “Wait, am I... not speaking in the old dialect?”

“Thank the stars you’re alright Luna,” worried Celestia. “And thank them again you’re not speaking like that anymore. By my own mane I was getting so annoyed with it. Anonymous, thank you for this, and buck you for just firing a spell on my sister. If I could actually use magic against you, I would most likely have vaporized you already.”

“Hey!” you and Luna both objected at the same time.

“Aye ya know what, fuck this.” you stated to the room. “I’ve had enough of this for today. I just wanna go back to Ponyville and eat an entire bakery’s worth of bread.”

“Well you managed to break the seal of the summit by interrupting our meeting, so I guess you’re free to head home Anon.” Luna said to you. “But before you go,” she reached up and hooked a hoof around your neck, pulling you to her level. With a quick kiss, she tapped her horn against your forehead, placing an image within. “Within your mind’s eye I’ve placed the image of the castle. Feel free to teleport here when you learn it.”

“Radical,” you mutter.

“Speaking of teleporting,” Twilight started, “nopony here can get you back to Ponyville that fast. You’re going to have to take the train back.”

“Oof, I haven’t taken the metro in forever. Hope I don’t see anymore passed out heroin junkies sitting in their own filth. For a prosperous city in America, the government aided transport was fucking terrible in quality.”

The present princesses visibly cringed at that statement, a lack of general information from you paint this as the norm on Earth. “Anyway,” Celestia of them all piped up, “I shall issue you a royal ticket, which will allow you free passage to and from the city for the time while you hone your magical abilities. And since Luna has taken a liking to you,” she sighed, “I shall inform the guards to not get in a tissy when you inevitably pop in for visits.”

“Do you guys even have drugs here?” you asked, completely ignoring the perfect olive branch Celestia was extending. “Like everyone is so goddamn happy, it makes no sense. If so, does Pinkie make them because that’d be the most logical thing I’ve heard all day.”

“I can get you some cortisone if that’s what you’re implying, since your skin is still glowing Anon,” said the ever so astute Twinky. “And some clothes too, so let me just...” Twilight picked up your sopping wet clothes with her telekinetic grasp, wrung the cum out, and popped them into god knows where to immediately clean them up.

“I better not slip in that new puddle,” you commented rather bluntly. With a satisfying pop your clothes were once again upon your body, warm and dry. “You didn’t clean these too well Twinkle, I uh, still smell like blueberry pie.” Luna reached up and bopped you on the back of the head, a meaty whack emanating in the room.

“Shut the fuck up Anon.” Luna deadpanned to you. Your spell might’ve worked too well, seeing that she’s using your favorite word.

***

One awkward farewell later, you find yourself alone on the train. An actual train. Like a chugga chugga choo choo train, whistles and all. Sure the following cabins looked like Hansel and Gretel were about to go to town on em’, but it was an actual fucking train. After you had presented your golden ticket to the ticketmaster, you bashed your head on the entryway’s frame. Train doors are even lower than normal pony doors, and you’ve been taking the larger than normal castle doors for granted. A string of slurs and obscenities came from your mouth, and while most of them had no meaning here, a considerable amount of mothers took the liberty to cover their young’s ears to muffle the words they wished them to not know.

So here you are, bored as all hell. This train ride is lengthy enough, but all you have to do is jack squat. No phone, nothing to read, nada. But as the train brakes to make a sharper turn, a crumpled ball of paper rolls out from under one of the seats. Covered in questionable stains and sauces, there’s no way in hell you’re touching it. But what if you didn’t need to? Focusing your heart and brain, you see a random finger glow, and imagine that ball of trash rising up, and for a short while it does! Just as you start feeling some pride, the magic fizzles out and the ball drops back down. This is going to be a long train ride, but at least you have something to work on now.