WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

by MallaJong

Rating: mature
Tags: Bon-Bon, Random, Pinkie Pie, Berry Punch, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Other
Length: 1160

Random fiction about a naked man wreaking havoc in Ponyville.

John the Human is a Teleporter. John the Human enjoys wreaking havoc on other dimensions. John the Human arrives in Equestria. John the Human's body is ready...

Completely random piece written in 30 minutes. If you like it, AWESOME! If you don't, AWESOME! Everyday I'm shuffling!

Published 2012-08-01 21:24:08 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-20 05:15:20 UTC

BECAUSE I WANTED TO!!

There was once a man named John.

This man took pleasure in teleporting to different worlds and wreaking havoc upon the residents inhabiting them. After having teleported back to his home planet and current base of operations, Earth, John slumped lazily on his couch and grabbed the remote control to his flat screen. He flipped through the network channels with no apparent viewing goal, sighing to himself at the lack of entertainment screened. That was until John stumbled upon the Hub Network, for the brilliantly technicolor masterpiece My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic provided a scene quite amusing. John had never heard mention of this particular show before, but he soon realized how much he had been missing after having completed two full seasons. Four days had gone by as John planned for his arrival to the fictional land of Equestria. When John was finally ready to depart for Ponyville, John stripped himself buck naked and counted down from three to one.

"Three..." John breathed in.

"Two..." John breathed out.

With a wicked grin. "One..."

And *poof* John was gone. What was left was John's television playing an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Its screen displayed Pinkie Pie in the middle of her "Smile" song.

******************************************************************************************************************

Come on and smile! Come on and smile! Come on and-

"Smile!" John suddenly *poofed* above Cranky Doodle Donkey and canon-balled onto the poor mule, crushing him under his weight.

Pinkie Pie froze, a preregistered smile already plastered on her face. Though inside the pink pony was pure shock and confusion. Some kind of creature instantaneously materialized and seemed to be suffocating Cranky Doodle Donkey. The mule definitely was not smiling. His eyes were beginning to pop out of his sockets.

"Heya, there, Pinkie Pie! Wanna party like it's Nineteen-ninety-nine?" John's smile widened even further.

"P-p-party?" Pinkie Pie stammered, utterly bewildered.

"Oh, Pinkie Pie, don't tell me this little guy here is scaring you?" John looked down with a smirk.

Whether he was referring to his limping appendage or the convulsing donkey he was sitting on Pinkie was unsure of. What she did know, though, was to get the thing off of her new to-be friend.

"Here, let me take care of this for you." John reached down and took hold of the donkey's neck. He then forcefully twisted it until he heard a sharp *crack*.

The donkey's eyes soon turned lifeless.

John released Cranky's head and looked straight into Pinkie Pie's horrified countenance.

"Why aren't you smiling, Pinkie Pie? Huh?! Why aren't you giving me a SMILE-SMILE-SMILE?!" John shrieked into Pinkie Pie's gaping visage.

And *slap* goes John's open palm to Pinkie Pie's face. The dumbfounded pony flew back and crashed into an unsuspecting Lyra Heartstrings.

Bon Bon, who had been chatting with Lyra Heartstrings as they walked through the town, screamed, alerting the other ponies of the scene before her.

"Your voice is just really annoying, Bon Bon, did'ja know that? You and your voices! You sounded so lovely in Green Isn't Your Color but then turned into a tramp in Lesson Zero!" John pounced atop the terrified pony. "Time to change it again, don't ya think?"

John speared his right hand straight down Bon Bon's throat. He dug his dirty nails deep into the choking pony's esophagus, tearing the malleable tissue with a tight squeeze.

"What's wrong, Bon Bon? JOHN got your tongue?" John chortled in a heave, looking up to address the crowd of surrounding ponies. "And what are y'all looking at? Hasn't anypony told you it's rude to stare?"

John successfully ripped out Bon Bon's torn digestive organ as he jumped towards a nearby Berry Punch. The paralyzed pony cringed in pain as the bloody esophagus of her writhing friend coiled tightly around her neck. John pulled the two ends of the esophagus while kicking the purple pony to the dirt.

"I'm parched! Maybe a bit of PUNCH..." On cue John punched the strangled Berry in the eye, bringing the innocent pony into a state of unconsciousness. "Will quench the thirst!"

John laughed hysterically at his own pun, finally releasing Berry Punch to lie flat on her bruising face.

"Aren't I just 'PUNNY?!'" John pranced around the screaming ponies while fist-pumping the air.

"Why would you do that?!" Wailed a trembling Pinkie Pie, her candy-colored mane becoming even more frazzled.

"What's going on?" Colgate, ignorant of the chaotic events occurring, trotted up to find a tall, salmon-skinned being bouncing giddily across the dirt roads.

Spotting the periwinkle-maned mare, John almost tripped as he quickly scurried up to her location.

"Yo, Colgate, let me ask ya something!" John pressed his face against the pony's snout. "Is there something in my TEETH?!"

At that, John shot open his jaws, displaying his yellowing, cavity-filled choppers. He exhaled into Colgate's nostrils, strongly intensifying the stench produced from his unwashed mouth. Saliva dribbled down his chin as a thick loogie smacked the pony in the eye. Colgate cringed at the grotesque image in front of her, but the smell...

"That smell!" Colgate hollered at John. "What's happening? What are you?"

John muffled darkly. "I'm Equestria's reckoning."

And *chomp* goes John's teeth. As he busily chewed on Colgate's searing flank, John eyed the unicorn's hourglass cutie mark.

"Why do you even have the same cutie mark as Doctor Whooves, anyway?" John spat out the reddened flank of an agonized Colgate. "What are you, his sister or something? But that doesn't make any sense!"

John started kicking the pony repeatedly. Each kick was given more and more strength.

"Why didn't you have a horn in the Winter Wrap Up episode, huh?! What's up with that? Did you magic it away?!"

The grunts of the beaten pony eventually faded into silence. An immediate array of cries and pleas for salvation from the crowd of panicking ponies created a cacophony of instability.

"Stop that right now, you bully!" Pinkie Pie raced forward, a look of desperation on her face.

"Oh, now you want to party? Let's start with a game! My serve!" With all his might, John kicked the blacked-out Colgate like a soccer ball, aiming for the pink pony.

Pinkie Pie opened up her arms to catch the flying unicorn, but the weight of the flying pony proved too much for her as she crashed to the ground.

"That's a penalty, Pinkie Pie! No HOOVES allowed!" John yelled.

"Halt, fiend! You're under arrest!" Two royal guards appeared out of the fray.

"Time out, my little pony!" John shouted to a groaning Pinkie Pie. "I've gotta hit the HAY!"

The royal guards hot on his heels, John dashed in a random direction and laughed maniacally at his own puns.

The End...?

Unless you Bronies want to see this continue? If you want another chapter, leave a shout-out! Who do you want John to mess with next?!

I just wrote this in like 30 minutes, so cut me some slack, dudes!