No Seriously, Who Again!?!
Author's Note
This is experimental and wrote all of this in a day, I'm hoping that this is at least entertaining. Plus, I'm not sure if this should have the comedy tag or not.
No Seriously, Who Again!?!
It wasn’t a secret that the legendary Rockhoof had not only returned but was in Ponyville. From the School of Friendship to the outskirts of the town, the name was on everyone’s gossiping lips. They have seen this hero in the streets, a giant with a shovel and an accent that sounded as if the very earth was speaking. Every now and then, they would see the sky-blue earth pony with a mane of gold and hay, clad in simple clothing from oh so long ago.
Word was, that this fabled hero was looking for a new job. It wasn’t so much for money that he was motivated, rather, it seemed, that he wanted to know where he fits in an alien world of modern times. They say that he resigned from the School of Friendship as a professor, partly because he was responsible for property damage and partly he was inexperienced with the students with what was expected of him. So since then, the citizens of this small town catch a glimpse and rumors of Rockhoof. That he had tried out delivering mail with embarrassing results. That he tried his hoof of a misuse, only for his trainer to run out screaming. He even tried construction, but the house collapsed at one fell swoop.
Of course, Big Macintosh had heard of a few. However, with Applejack taking up a new career on top of the other ones she currently has, he’s not ready to turn down whatever help from the farm that he’s able to get. If anything, having someone like Rockhoof on a day where he needs farmhooves is welcoming. After all, at least it gave the large red work pony something to listen to.
“…. And then when the molten lava exploded from the volcano, I grabbed this here shovel ta dig a trench out to sea. Saving my village from certain doom.” Rockhoof said before tapping on an apple tree in which all of its fruit rained down into the baskets beneath them. Macintosh was still amazed at this feat, that what would take a good swift buck to a tree trunk, Rockhoof does it with just a mere touch.
However, Mac didn’t have time to gawk at this, for he turned against the trunk of another apple tree to swiftly buck it. Apples feel into the buckets as expected, but he had to take a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow. He heard Rockhoof chuckle.
“Don’t be telling me that you’re tired already?”
“Eenope.” Big Mac replied before lifting the buckets into the cart and Rockhoof did the same.
“Ya know lad,” the larger stallion commented, “this is quite different from the little farms we had in the Helm,” Macintosh asked what he meant by that. “Well… For one, since our village was small enough where only less than a few hundred ponies lived, we only needed a few plots of land ta feed everyone. Of course, it isn’t easy when the ground is rocky, and winter comes and goes as it pleases. Plus, trees like these just never grew anywhere. But here, I reckon there’s enough fruit about to feed a country fer many years.”
“Eeyup.” Macintosh agreed. Taking notice of the sun, he did a quick calculation in his head to determined that it was now noon. “Hey, Mr. Rockhoof, sir? Ah, think it’s about time fer lunch.”
“Why? You hungry?” He nodded. “Good, so was I. Now do we just start munching on these or is there someplace else that we can feast?”
“Don’t worry none, Ah’ve already prepared a lunch back home. There should be enough ta feed the both of us.”
“Well don’t just stand there and let our bellies rumble! Show the way to this meal.”
Big Mac rolled his eyes but smiled as he did just that. He led the stallion through the maze of trees, across hills and around fences towards the farmhouse. As he did so and the stallion nearby continued to chat away with him listening, he couldn’t help but wonder why someone like Rockhoof has trouble nailing down a job.
‘He seems nice enough.’ He thought. ‘He’s hardworking, dedicated, willing to cooperate and does it all without question. After all, this guy has been out in the field’s half of the day and already we’ve done a few days’ worth of work where he still hasn’t broken a sweat! Sure, he might be a little out of touch with the times, but not in a bad way.’
When they reached the house, Mac leads him through the kitchen door where the meal was waiting for them on low heat. A vegetable stew in a tall pot and a very slow cooked apple pie still warm in the oven. Sitting Rockhoof at the table, Mac grabbed out two bowls (as his sisters were at their schools and Granny was visiting cousin Apple Cobbler) along with spoons and a couple of mugs.
From there, nothing was out of the ordinary. He served the stew and they ate it. He poured apple cider in their mugs, and they drink it. However, something interesting happened when Macintosh pulled out the apple pie from the oven.
“What’s that lad?” Rockhoof asked, craning his neck over as he watches him retrieving the pastry out.
“Apple pie,” Mac retorted, “Ah figured that after all that time in the fields ya probably wanted a treat of some kind.”
The larger stallion, however, was still confused. “Maybe it’s this new world, but I’ve never seen food like that before. What’s it made of?”
“Apples and crust mostly, along with a few other things.” Placing it on the table, he then proceeded to cut a slice out of it for Rockhoof. “Although, Ah might wanna warn ya that ya have ta blow on it a little, it’s still a little too hot.”
Rockhoof didn’t say anything as he stared at the slice of pie that flopped sideways on his plate. Picking up a fork, he cut a tiny bit of the crust and filling, sniffed it, blew on it before taking it into his mouth. When it reached his taste buds, his eyes widened and dropped his fork.
“Somethin’ wrong?” Big Mac asked. However, instead of answering, the legendary stallion was caught off guard at the sweetness, so much so, he put a hoof over his mouth in disbelief.
After swallowing it, he looked up at the stallion across from him. “Did you make this?”
With a puzzled brow raised, Mac answered, “Uh… yeah? Ah mean, it’s not that hard ta make. Why? Somethin’ wrong with it?”
“N-No. It’s just… I didn’t expect...” Picking up his fork, he proceeded to wolf down the slice.
Relieved, Mac took another slice and pushed the rest of the tin over to him. “Here, ya can have the rest.”
Rockhoof gasped. “What?” His eyes went back and forth between the pie and the stallion. “Are you being serious with me?”
“Well, yes?”
He blinked. “You made this… for me?”
“Fer us really.” Mac shrugged. “Ah figured ya wanted somethin’ sweet.”
“I…” The red stallion was taken aback to find that Rockhoof, the Rockhoof, was speechless. He thought that it must be because of the pie or, most likely, he never had anything like it before. “But… We just met. I didn’t think you would-”
“Why not?” Big Mac interrupted. “Yer a good pony and a hard worker. Jus’ bakin’ that is the least Ah could do.”
Rockhoof raised a hoof over his withers. “I… This is the noblest thing ta happen ta me. I mean… Thank you.” A smile crept across his face like a burst of joyous laughter. “This is surprising, but I accept!” He then proceeded to devour the rest of the pie.
‘Well at least he liked it.’ Macintosh thought with a smile.
“I’ll tell you what,” Rockhoof said as he put the tin down on the table. “If ya give me until nightfall, I’ll organize a feast for us, and gather together your friends and family.”
Big Mac blinked, “Ah don’t think ya have ta, it’s just a pie.”
“Oh, nonsense!” The larger stallion laughed as he patted Mac on the back. “With an occasion like this, there’s no need for your modesty. But don’t worry, I know a few good cooks in this town and have some bits left over from my previous jobs. So, by tonight, you’ll dine like a king, you’ll have my word on it! And I’ll bring my bundle with me.”
With that, Rockhoof bid him farewell as, Big Mac noticed, he skipped out the door. Blinking, the red stallion looked down at his slices of pie and dug in. ‘To be fair,’ he thought, ‘this is pretty good pie.’
“Congratulations.”
“About time Big Mac.”
“Hope it all goes well.”
These were the comments the red farm stallion was hearing as he pulled the cartful of apples towards the market place. Nearly everypony he passed by was congratulating him. Only… he has no idea what for.
“Here’s to your happily ever after.”
“Good to know you’ve finally had the guts to accept yourself.”
“See ya at the feast tonight ya stud!”
The more compliments that were thrown at him, the more perplex Big Macintosh became. What was happening? What did he do? What were they congratulating him for? Did he do something heroic and not know it? No… of course not, otherwise he would have been the first to know it. And yet, ponies left and right was waving at him or giving out congrats.
He finally made it to the market place towards his family’s stall that, while it had a sign that said “closed,” there was a pony there waiting. Not just anypony, but one that Big Mac recognized. It was a pink mare with a curly purple mane – Sugar Bell. However, he was alarmed to see that she was crying there so he picked up the pace, dreading the worst.
“Sugar Bell!” Mac called out. “Sugar, what’s wro-” she slapped him.
“How could you!” She screamed at him. “After all this time! With all the dating and the times, you said you loved me that you had the gull to do this! I thought I knew you!”
While he had a hoof to his stinging cheek, he blinked. “Did Ah miss somethin’?”
“Don’t pretend! I can’t believe that you’ve lied to me and went to do this behind my back?!”
“Sugar, Ah ain’t pertendin’. What’s goin’ on?”
“How could you get married to someone else?!”
There was a solid pause between them. “Uh… Say what now?”
“You! Married!” Sugar pointed an accusing hoof at his withers. “And to a stallion no less!”
“Wait, wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!” Mac held his hooves up. “Ya gonna have ta back this up sweetheart. Ah jus’ married a stallion?” She nodded. “Since when?”
“Today.” She responded in a tone that was so cold that it might have triggered an early winter.
Big Macintosh blinked… and kept on blinking. “Today? Hon, what are ya talkin’ about? Ah swear ta ya that Ah didn’t do anythin’. Heck, Ah didn’t leave Sweet Apple Acres until just now. How could Ah get married if Ah hasn’t left home and worked in the fields.”
Sugar Bell paused as she scanned her coltfriend’s face for any deception. “You… didn’t get married?” He nodded. “Swear to me that you’re telling the truth.”
With a sigh, he replied. “Ah swear it, on my parent’s graves, that Ah am tellin’ the truth. Ah didn’t get married today.”
Once she saw that he was being sincere, her anger gave way to confusion. “Then… How come Rockhoof said that you two were married?”
Now it was Big Mac’s turn to be surprised. “You thought… Ah married who now?!?”
“No, I didn’t think it, I heard it.” Her coltfriend asked to explain it. “You see, not too long ago, I was in the bakery when suddenly Rockhoof pretty much skipped right in with a bag full of bits, saying to us to prepare the finest stuff we had because he was getting married. When asked who, he said you. Imagine how… heartbroken I was to find that out. Just… please tell me this was a misunderstanding.”
“Hon, Ah didn’t know anythin’ about this until now. He was at the farm earlier as a farmhoof, Ah gave him lunch and then… this happens?” Mac slumped to the ground. “Did Ah miss somethin’? Ah really think I’ve miss somethin’.”
“Did you do or say something to make him to-”
“No! That’s just it! Ah didn’t say or do anythin’. All Ah did was give ‘em a free lunch.”
Sugar Bell scratched her head. “But there must be something. Maybe… Maybe Princess Twilight might know something.”
“What does she gotta do with this?”
“Well… she’s the smartest pony in Equestria. Perhaps she might know something about Rockhoof’s culture to have him jump to that conclusion.”
Inside Twilight’s library in her castle, Big Mac and Sugar Bell waited on the Princess of Friendship who hummed as she flipped through several books. Finally, she closed them. “Okay, I think I know what’s going on.”
Both of the couple’s ears perked up. “You do?” Sugar Bell asked.
She nodded. “Tell me, Big Mac, what exactly happened with Rockhoof today?”
“Well… He came in early fer work, spent all that time workin’ in the orchard up until noon. Had lunch and then he lef-”
“What did you have for lunch?” Twilight interrupted.
Mac tilted his head. “Uh… Vegetable stew, cider, and apple pie.”
“Ooh…” The Princess nodded. “That’s why.”
The couple glanced at each other before Mac asked what she was talking about.
“I think in order to understand Rockhoof’s misunderstanding, you’ll have to know two things about the culture he grew up with. You see, the Helm was a rather unique society, one in which they had no money or coin system that we know today. Back then, as their societies were often small, they often traded by barter like several bags of grain for a house for example. However, it should be noted that they were a gift-giving society. In which depending on the rarity of the item, it carries an amount of significant symbolism to those that are presented.
“In Rockhoof’s day, if you talked to someone for a while and they gave you some of their crops like a hoofful of grain or seeds, that would mean that you’re considered an acquaintance to them. Or if you gave a fair share of your meal, as you did with that vegetable stew, that would mean that you consider him as your equal. However, when you give him that apple pie, the meaning suddenly changes.”
“What do ya mean?” Macintosh questioned.
“In the Helm, anything sweet like honey or sugar is often very, very rare. So rare, in fact, that existing records at Rockhoof’s time say that anything sweet was considered as the food of the gods. In fact, the only times you would give something so sweet was either as a religious offering, or… in most cases… as a decoration of love.”
Both Mac and Sugar Bell’s jaws hung open.
“So what you’re saying, Princess,” Sugar said, “is that he accidentally gave Rockhoof a marriage proposal?”
“Which leads to the next thing.” Twilight continued. “Marriage back then is nowhere near the way that we know it today. Back then, there was no ceremony required or exchange in vows. This was somewhat the case in the culture of Rockhoof’s, as that the only way for you to be considered as a married couple until you gave him something sweet and he accepts it. After that, there’s a big feast and one of you move in together. As spouses in his eyes.”
Sugar Bell turned to her coltfriend in which she saw his eye twitched. “Are ya sayin’ that Ah’ve accidentally married a legendary hero of ancient Equestria without knowin’?”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, pretty much.”
For a very long moment, the Apple farmer didn’t move or say anything. However, before his marefriend could say anything, he put his hooves over his eyes and sighed deeply. “Ya know… when Ah woke up this mornin’… Ah wasn’t expectin’ ta be the husband ta somepony that could snap me in two if he wanted ta.”
The Friendship Princess turned to Sugar Bell, who at that point kept opening and closing her mouth a few times. “I… yeah I got nothing. So… what now?”
“Well…” Twilight picked up another book with her magic in which she flipped to a specific passage. “There is a way to reverse the marriage is to present Rockhoof the very opposite of something sweet.”
“Like salt?”
She nodded. “I think that if he goes to Rockhoof and simply explains the misunderstanding, he would apprehend the situation.”
Big Mac raised his head. “And if he decides ta rip me in two?”
“Well…” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. “He’s not the kind that would do that, but it’s best to tell him before he carries you off for the uh… honeymoon.”
“In that case, do ya have any salt?”
It didn’t take long to find Rockhoof, as the rows of tables that were placed in the middle of the streets indicated that lead right up to town hall. Part of Big Mac was impressed for the organization as ponies were taking out their dining room tables, their plates, and dinners along the long line of other families and neighbors who were doing the same thing. However, he and his marefriend followed the trail of food to the very end of it where the ancient hero was waiting for him.
As soon as he spotted him, Rockhoof waved at him. “Ah, there ya are! I was starting to get worried that you wouldn’t show. Come sit with me, husband, for I’ve pulled together a grand feast fit for royalty.” He said with a smile.
Both Macintosh and Sugar Bell looked at one another. With a unified nod, the mare placed the salt shaker into his hoof before nudging him towards the old warrior. Sighing, Mac walked up to his accidently-wedded-husband, eyeing the grin that was greeting him. The stallion could easily tell that he was genuinely happy, which made it all the more difficult for what he was about to tell him.
“Uh… Rockhoof.” Mac stretched out his hoof that balanced the tiny glass jar of salt. “Ah think there’s been a mix up on mah part.”
“Huh? What are ya talking about?” He asked tilting his head. “And what’s that?”
Rockhoof took hold of the tiny jar in which tilted a little bit of the grainy substance onto his tongue. He paused as the taste hit him. “What?” In confusion, he returned his attention towards the red stallion. “I don’t understand.”
“Princess Twilight explained everythin’.” he began as he rubbed a hoof on the back of his neck. “She explained what sweets meant in yer day and… Mr. Rockhoof, Ah’m real sorry fer lettin’ ya onta thinkin’ that Ah wanna marry ya when it wasn’t mah intent.”
“Wasn’t?”
Mac shook his head. “Eenope. Ah swear Ah didn’t know anythin’ about what certain foods and such represented. And Ah wanted ta tell ya before things get… awkward later on. Still… sorry if Ah lead ya on.”
“Oh…” Rockhoof said, in a way that Macintosh wasn’t sure about the tone. Part of it sounded of relief, but at the same time, it nearly sounded… disappointed. “I ruined things again, have I?”
“At least we’re able ta catch it before it was too late to get to that stage.” An awkward laugh escaped the farmer’s muzzle as he softly said. “But uh… between you and me… that in a weird way… it is an honor fer bein’ married ta somepony like yerself. Even if it was an accident.”
Rockhoof chuckled. “I was going to say that I’m flattered. Still, because this was unintentional, as your husband, my first and last decision to make, is to release you.”
“Thanks.” Looking over to his marefriend for a moment, he then inquired. “Just out of curiosity… and ya don’t have ta answer this if you don’t want ta… but uh… if ya accepted mah accidental proposal, does that mean that yer uh… homosexual?”
The warrior tilted his head. “A what, lad?”
“Well, someone who has a… attraction fer someone of the same gender.”
It then clicked to him. “Oh! Oh, I see what yer saying.” He chuckled. “In truth, I still don’t know myself, but let’s say that I have run into plenty of beautiful lads and lasses over the years with qualities that I’d admired. If I’m not being too honest, I’d put you into that category.”
“R-Really?” Mac asked as a slight pink blush formed on his face.
Rockhoof laughed. “Ah don’t be so modest! With a beauty that is both visible and invisible, anyone would be blessed by the gods to have you by their side.”
“Wow… Thanks. But still, I was surprised when I found what the whole sweet thing was about. Got me thinkin’, were there couples in yer time that were both… ya know?”
He shrugged. “It’s very, very rare, even throughout the Mighty Helm, but there were a small few. Most of them were either warriors or aristocrats, but I’d tell you what, when couples like them fought hard and will die for each other. Almost like they were of one soul in their ferocity to defend one another.” Looking out at the trail of tables, Rockhoof rubbed the back of his head. “But you know… I do feel rather foolish for calling together a wedding feast when the marriage has been undone.”
“Ah don’t know… it would be a shame ta let this food go ta waste. Besides, Ah don’t think you’ve met mah special somepony.” He waved over to Sugar Bell. “Mr. Rockhoof, this is mah marefriend.”
After being introduced, Rockhoof offered the couple a place beside him at the long table, commencing for the feast to begin.
While the food was being passed, Big Mac leans over to Sugar Bell and whispered. “Ya never gonna let this slide? Are ya?”
“Of course not.” She giggled. “It’s not every day that your coltfriend accidently purposes to a legend like Rockhoof and accepts it. Perhaps if we do decide to tie the knot, maybe I could convince him to have some fun in the bedroom.”
Mac looked away in embarrassment. “Don’t press yer luck.”
“Just so you know,” Rockhoof whispered back, “I wouldn’t mind as I hadn’t had a good lay in a thousand years.”
The red stallion whimpered at the thought.
