Not Your Father's Lightsaber
It was a beautiful morning in Ponyville. The sun was shining brilliantly off of the roofs of the houses, there was nary a cloud in the sky, and the ponies of the town were going about their days with big smiles on their faces. Directly in front of Twilight Sparkle's crystal palace, a portal opened up and dropped a decorated, cylindrical object, wrapped up in a little bow tie on her doormat, seemingly for no good reason at all.
Inside the crystal palace itself, Twilight Sparkle looked up from her mountain of books and research about the modern day applications of pyromancy strewn across the Cutie Map and gazed at the large grandfather clock above her front door. The time read 11:30 a.m. It was time for Twilight to meet her friends for lunch.
"Spike!" Twilight called. "It's time to go! Wake up!"
Spike opened one of the doors slowly, his eyes held at barely more than a squint, holding on to the doorway as if he were an old stallion holding onto his walker to move. He rubbed his eyes with his one free claw. "Does this have to be right now, Twilight?"
"Yes!" Twilight replied. "I promised that I would go to lunch with my friends today, and as far as I recall, you did too."
Spike groaned as he shuffled towards the center of the room, tossing his nightgown haphazardly on the floor. Twilight opened her front doors, and there it lay. A strange, decorated cylinder adorned with more lights and buttons than Twilight thought was necessary, or indeed even possible. The weird cylindrical object seemed to beckon to Twilight, calling out to her to pick it up and examine it. It looked almost exactly like how a force blade from Twilight's favorite science fiction book series, Planet Wars, is described as looking like, and the decorations made her think specifically of the one owned by a character called Pony-Wan Kenobi.
"What the..." Twilight undid the bow tie and picked up the strange gadget. She turned to Spike, who was still busy rubbing the morning cobwebs out of his eyes. "Spike, did you have something delivered here recently?"
"No, I didn't," Spike answered. "Why?"
"Huh, strange," Twilight tried one of the buttons on the thing, and what seemed to be a green blade of pure energy erupted with a tshewww from the open end of the object, surprising her. "Whoa!"
Spike's eyes widened at the sight of it. "Whoa indeed. What is that, Twilight?"
"I have no idea," Twilight said as she waved the glowing sword around. Fwoom, fwoom. "I don't want to call it a force blade, that'd just be unoriginal. I guess I'll call it a, erm...light...saber. Yeah, lightsaber!"
"What can it do?" Spike asked.
"That's what I want to find out," Twilight gently poked the side of the doorway with her new saber, sending a few sparks flying. Interesting, she thought. She then walked from her doorway to the nearest rock in her front yard. It was nothing special, just your average everyday rock. She raised her saber high, breathing slowly, her eyes focused on the task at hand. She brought the saber down on the rock and it made a clean cut down the middle, cutting a gash in the ground below it as well just for good measure. Twilight looked upon her saber with utter amazement. Nothing like this had ever been seen anywhere in Equestria before. If things like this could be made...
"So are we going to lunch, or what?" Spike asked from the doorway.
"Definitely! I have to show my friends this!" Twilight deactivated her lightsaber, levitated her saddlebag from the palace over to herself and put her new weapon inside of it.
Twilight and Spike walked over to the outdoor tables at the local cafe where she was meeting her friends. Rainbow Dash was reading the newest Daring Do book, Daring Do And The Scepter Of Bastet-Ra, while eating a daffodil and dandelion sandwich. Fluttershy was trying to feed part of her salad to her pet bunny Angel, who refused anything offered by her as per usual. Pinkie Pie was steadily gorging herself on a large plate of cupcakes with blue frosting. Rarity was drawing up designs as she sipped a tall cup full of coffee, made from only the finest grounds from Saddle Arabia, just as she liked it.
Applejack sipped from her glass of iced tea when she spotted Twilight and Spike heading her way. "Howdy y'all! Good to see you."
"How have you been, darling? Anything new?" Rarity asked.
"Actually..." Twilight levitated her new lightsaber, or rather its hilt, from her saddlebag.
"What the hay is that?" Rainbow Dash asked as she lowered her book. "It looks kind of cool, actually."
"This?" Twilight activated her saber with a tshewww, to everypony's amazement, even those sitting at other tables. "I like to call it a 'lightsaber'."
"Ooh, it looks like a giant glowstick!" Pinkie rose from her chair and began to bounce. "What can it do?"
"I'm glad you asked Pinkie," Twilight said. "Would you mind throwing me one of your cupcakes?"
"Would I?" Pinkie threw one of the cupcakes on her plate at Twilight's head, who promptly slashed it cleanly in half with her saber, leaving two seared cupcake halves on the ground behind her. Everypony watching let out a collective gasp.
"Whoa! That is cool times a thousand! Now you can be a Jedi, like your father before you!" Pinkie said.
"What?" Twilight asked confusedly.
"Nothing," Pinkie flashed a smile that went from ear to ear.
Suddenly, Spike's cheeks filled like a chipmunk's as he clutched his stomach, looking like he was about to throw up. He then burped, revealing a parchment letter wreathed in emerald flames. Twilight grabbed the letter, cleared her throat, and read it aloud:
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
It is by royal decree that you must come to the palace at Canterlot at once for urgent matters. You must come alone, with only the contents of one saddlebag brought with you. I hope that you will find this trip enjoyable.
Regards,
Princess Luna
"Aw, but I wanted to see more of your lightsaber stuff!" Rainbow complained.
"What?! Not even I even come?!" Spike objected, sulking on his chair. "Well, it's not like I even wanted to go anyways. I'll just stay here in Ponyville with Big Mac, it's fine."
"Gotta get that wizard of yours to Level 20, eh?" Applejack asked playfully.
"Yep! I get two 3rd level signature spells. I think I'll pick Lightning Bolt and Fireball," Spike said, briefly rising from his disappointment before remembering that he was supposed to be sulking.
"What could Princess Luna possibly want with you in Canterlot, darling?" Rarity asked.
"And alone, no less?" Applejack added.
"I don't know, but this might be pretty important," Twilight replied as she adjusted her saddlebag. "Sorry, friends. Maybe next week?"
Twilight gently pushed open the colossal doors to the Canterlot Palace. The vast halls were strangely empty, almost abandoned, like nopony has even lived here for centuries. Dust hung in the air like thick clouds, causing Twilight to go into a brief coughing fit. The blinds on the windows were-all half drawn, and the dais was partially cloaked in shadow. The doors suddenly closed behind Twilight, leaving her to see only by the light she could summon with her horn, which dimly lit the entire room. "Hello?" Twilight called, as the unsettling thought that this may have been a trap began to gnaw at her mind. "Is anypony there?"
"Welcome, Twilight Sparkle," a sinister figure appeared on the dais. It seemed almost to be a living shadow, and Twilight would know. She had fought too many of those.
"Wh-who are you and what have you done with the Princesses?" Twilight asked, already having a faint idea of who it was.
"Oh, you know who I am," the shadowy figure revealed itself to be Nightmare Moon, who lit the torches lining the walls of the palace with emerald green fire.
"Nightmare Moon?! But, but how?!" Twilight questioned. "I thought you were gone for good! I-I w-warn you, I'm armed!" Twilight timidly drew her lightsaber from her saddlebag, activating it.
"Hmm, how cute," Nightmare Moon drew her own lightsaber hilt from a now-visible scabbard on her left rear leg.
"Impossible! How can you have one too?!" Twilight questioned further.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing," 'Nightmare Moon' chuckled lightly and winked at Twilight. Twilight suddenly realized her decidedly non-dire situation and allowed herself to relax just a bit, even smiling.
"Twilight Sparkle, you do not know the power of the dark side!" Luna said as she activated her lightsaber, its blade glowing red. Twilight pawed at the ground, preparing to charge. To her shock, it was Luna that initiated the conflict, galloping forth with her saber in tow. Their floating lightsabers clashed, sending a wave of sparks flying. As they dueled, Twilight realized that she was giving more ground than she thought she was, being almost all the way back to the palace doors. In a split second, Twilight teleported onto the perch above the palace doors, narrowly avoiding being cut by Luna's fiery blade. "Impressive. Most impressive," Luna commended as she flew up to look Twilight in the eyes. "Pony-Wan has taught you well. You would do well as my apprentice, child."
"Never!" Twilight yelled as she and Luna resumed their fight. Twilight started to get the hang of fighting with her lightsaber after a while, even managing to send Luna's saber flying all the way to the dais where the thrones sat. With no fear of immediate counterattack, she jumped from the perch above the palace doors as Luna levitated her lightsaber hilt back to herself and reactivated it. After sending some more sparks flying between them, Twilight and Luna finally got into a fierce power struggle with their blades so they could talk for a bit.
"Pony-Wan never told you what happened to your father," Luna said.
"He told me enough," Twilight faked anguish in her voice. "He told me you killed him!"
"No, I am your father," Luna said.
Twilight's facial expression changed from false distress to genuine confusion. "That's...not true. That's impossible."
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," Luna insisted.
"No, I mean that's literally impossible. You're a female, you can't be my father. That's not how biology works," Twilight explained.
"Seriously? This is what you are choosing to nitpick?" Luna asked incredulously.
"It's a legitimate nitpick!" Twilight insisted.
"Never you mind!" Luna continued. "Join me, Twilight, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!"
"Mother and daughter," Twilight corrected.
"Oh, you know what I meant!" Luna shouted playfully, causing both combatants to laugh uncontrollably, causing them to disengage briefly before getting back to the fighting. Despite Twilight's newfound experience with her saber, Luna still attacked relentlessly enough to force her back, not even getting a hit in herself. This continued until a light as brilliant as the sun itself began to shine behind Luna, pausing the fight for a moment. Luna turned her head and saw that it was her sister Celestia, her pursed lips revealing that she was trying her hardest not to crack a smile as she stood upon the dais at the center of the throne room.
"Hold it right there," Celestia said. "Darth Nightmare Moon, I believe you have plagued Equestria for long enough."
"Pony-Wan Kenobi?! This cannot be! You were dead!" Luna said.
"You struck me down, so I became more powerful than you could ever imagine," Celestia said.
"No!" Luna shouted to the heavens in a comical fashion, causing uproarious laughter among the three princesses.
"Well wasn't this fun for all parties involved?" Celestia asked rhetorically.
"I'll say!" Twilight agreed. "Let's do it again sometime!"
"I'll need some white robes and a beard for next time," Celestia said.
"And I'll need a dashing helmet with horns or some such!" Luna added. "Ooh, and a voice amplifier as well!"
"Trust me, sister, you do not need a voice amplifier," Celestia said, causing yet more laughter among the princesses.
Author's Note
Why do I want a retelling of the first two episodes of MLP:FiM with lightsabers now?
