Astra inclinant, sed non obligant
/x/x/x/
Rainbow Dash rested her head on the passenger window, watching the evergreen trees pass her by. The full grey overcast sky accurately reflected her mood. She rolled a small piece of metal around in her fingertips. The dark blue headphones sitting around her head were leaking the soft, churning sound of gothic prog rock.
She sighed, slightly moving her father’s hand which was resting on her shoulder.
Bow sat in the driver’s seat, lips pursed and eyes glued straight ahead. His other hand was planted firmly on the steering wheel. The windshield wipers did their job, clearing the glass of the gently-falling droplets. The radio was off, but the heater was turned up to max, its quiet hum filling the silence.
“You okay, Dashie?”
She didn't answer.
He clicked the right turn signal on, removed his hand from his daughter, and turned the steering wheel with it. Once the station wagon straightened out, his hand stayed. He’d slowed down significantly, having moved from smooth pavement to a jagged dirt road.
The window no longer had rows of trees, but now showed rows of shaped stones. Rainbow slowly blinked and turned around in her seat, bringing her feet up and putting her forehead on her knees. Her blue-irised eyes stayed unfocused and glazed over.
The car crested a hill before turning into a small parking lot. After finding his way to a space, Bow turned the ignition and the car fell silent. Nearly a full minute passed before the headphones fell quiet.
Rainbow pulled the jack out of her MP3 player before it started another song, and slowly pulled the headphones off of her ears. She instinctively moved her head about to clear out her hair, but seeing as she’d just cut most of it off the night before, the action was unnecessary. With excruciating cautiousness, she rolled up the cable before setting the device on the floor.
“You know that you don't have to do this, if you don't want.”
“I do want to.” Rainbow finally said, the first words out of her mouth the entire car ride. “It's what she deserves.”
“It wasn't your fault,” he insisted. “There wasn't anything you could have done-”
“Dad.”
He sharply exhaled out his nose. “I miss her too.”
They sat in silence for a short while broken only by the rain. Rainbow absentmindedly rubbed at her bruised knuckles. After a few minutes, it slowly started to dissipate until nothing was left but the mottled pattern of the sky’s leftovers. The light didn't change at all.
“Is your jacket going to be warm enough?” He finally asked.
Rainbow numbly nodded as she thumbed at the zipper on her hoodie. Navy blue and thick. It still smelled of lavender, lemon, and rose, though very faintly at this point. The scent of her soap wouldn't stay for much longer, which is why it seemed all the more poignant to wear it today. She regretted not wearing her leather jacket, but only marginally.
“...yeah...” she muttered.
She stretched her legs back down, clad in skinny jeans and converse. Apparently she’d put on just a basic white t-shirt in the morning, but couldn't for the life of her remember putting it on. She couldn't tell if she was wearing anything underneath it... probably not, since a bra would merely hurt the sensitive skin in the wake of the new additions. Not that it mattered, or that she cared right now, anyway.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
A moment of quiet deliberation passed. She ran her tongue under her lip, playing with the metal ring that penetrated it.
“Maybe next time, dad...”
He nodded. “I'll be right here.”
Rainbow pursed her lips and nodded slightly before gripping the door handle. She pulled it open as a gust of wind blew by, chilling her bones. The sensation was only physiological, though, and she disregarded the feeling as she pulled herself outside, firmly planting her feet on the ground.
She swung the door shut and immediately started walking the all-too-familiar path. Absentmindedly she had put the hood on, zipped it up, and slipped her hands into her pockets, still holding onto the metal object. Subconsciously she hunched down, acknowledging that the weather would offer her no comfort in her time of grief.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket, but Rainbow pretended that she didn't hear it. After exactly sixty seconds it vibrated again, so she sighed and pulled it out of her pocket. A quick glance at the front revealed yet another condolence from some guy she ran track against one time. She rolled her eyes and swiped it away, revealing the lock screen consisting of her kissing her best friend on the cheek and said best friend blushing, eyes closed behind her glasses.
Melancholy clenched Rainbow’s heart in its grasp as she returned the phone to her pocket. There would be time for friendship and love and other assorted merriment some other time, but not now. Mourning came first.
Her mind wandered to that of her friends. She hadn't spoken to any of them since the hospital.
/x/x/x/
“Take her!” Rainbow cried, clenching the body clad in a bloody pink bathrobe to her chest. “Somebody fucking take her in, god damn it!”
Through the glass doors the gurney couldn't come fast enough. The bloody wrist cuts on the body made sure of that.
/x/x/x/
Rainbow’s jaw and fists tightened as she walked on, hunching over even further.
/x/x/x/
“Dashie!” Pinkie shouted, hugging her from the back. “AJ’s parking, but we got here fast as we could...”
Her eyes started soaking Rainbow’s back, but she honestly couldn't tell through all the blood on her front.
/x/x/x/
Rainbow’s pace quickened, and the footpath passed more quickly underneath, blurring from the speed and the tears.
/x/x/x/
“Rainbow?” Fluttershy murmured, pulling the athlete’s unresponsive hands into her own. “Please don't blame yourself for this...”
She didn't hear. She didn't hear any of the friends at her side. She didn't hear anything after the doctor’s last words.
“We’re very sorry, and we did everything that we could, but... we regret to inform you that the patient has passed away.”
/x/x/x/
Rainbow stopped dead in her tracks. Her mind couldn't make itself up on what it wanted to do. Scream? Sprint? Punch something? Radically change her appearance? She'd already done everything she possibly could have. Piercings, short hair, contacts, tattoos, but in all it was still not enough to change the most important thing.
Someone she loved more than most other things in the world was gone forever, and she would never get to see her again.
Yelling at the sky cursing the creator didn't fix it. Running until she collapsed almost four states away didn't fix it. Breaking half a dozen holes in her wall didn't fix it. And now being unable to walk through a metal detector without setting it off didn't fix it. Nothing could fix it. Just briefly distract her.
The tension left her face and hands, as well as the rest of her body. She didn't have the strength to sigh, or even to shed any more tears. It was now time to face facts and try to move on.
Her legs took the reigns entirely of their own accord and walked the rest of the journey, until the text on her destination became legible.
She scanned it once more. Yes, it said the same thing it had said when she’d been here last time for the funeral. The only real difference was that now there was a waterlogged bouquet sitting in front of it. A meaningless, empty gesture. Those flowers were going to die and be tossed into the garbage once the caretaker came by. Why some thought that death invited more death in the long run for some misguided sense of honoring a lost loved one, Rainbow would never know.
She knelt down at the wet ground and placed her fingers on it. Mushy. She read the text again and fell to her knees, which instantly became soaked. The back of her mind elected to worry about it later, as the front of her mind was set on leaving her own gift. One with so much more personal meaning than just flowers.
Rainbow dug out a small hole with her hand, about four by four by six inches. It was easy to do so, as it was practically mud with a few loose strands of yellow-brown grass. A worm slithered into the hole, wriggling around the new alcove.
Rainbow pulled the piece of metal back out of her pocket, the flash drive. It held a few digital items of personal significance; nothing she would miss for anything other than purely sentimental reasons. In any case she had copies at home that wouldn't be deleted any time soon if she could help it. There were mp3 files of some music they mutually liked, but there were copies on her own computer. It sat in her palm, small and unassuming. After only a brief moment of hesitation, she dropped it into the hole.
She’d immediately began filling the hole back up with the fresh dirt, feeling a smidge of remorse for the worm. But only a smidge. Once the task was done, she rearranged the grass so that it looked natural. The caretaker would come by to grab the flowers and toss them in the trash to rot away in a landfill somewhere, but he wouldn't take a trowel to every single imperfection in the ground.
Rainbow looked up to read the text again. She reached out to place her clean hand against the name as the rain started up again. She pulled her hood back so the water would hit her scalp and wash away the sick clammy feeling, or at least try.
“I love you...” she whispered, rubbing her thumb over the name. “It wasn't enough to be fast to save you, but... I love you. I never said it enough when you were still here, but...” she wiped the rain out of her eyes. Interesting how the rain was warm.
“I don't know what I should do from here, without you,” she continued. “I can't just forget about you. And I don't hate you for what you did, I just wish I could have done anything else, but...” she sighed and fell back, soaking her rear. These jeans would need to be scrubbed.
“Dad’s probably gonna kill me for fucking up the seats...” she looked directly up. “Heh... hopefully.” She looked back down at the tombstone. “I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing... I hope you're happier there than you were here.”
She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the note. Written on paper in blue ink, starting off legibly before devolving into a scrawl before just making a line that lead off the page. The edges were red. It was burned in her memory, she’d read it so many times.
“Obviously it wasn't enough...” she muttered as she set the paper down on top of the bouquet. “But dwelling on the bad things isn't gonna do me any favors. So what I can do is remember the happy things...” she pulled herself to her knees, then stood fully up. “I'll be back next week...”
Rainbow put her hood back up. “Maybe I'll bring one or two of the others...” she turned to walk away. “I’ll talk to you soon. And I’ll see you again one day... promise.”
She stuck her hands back in her jacket pockets and set off back towards the car, sparing only one more backwards glance at the words carved into the smooth marble.
Here Lies
Twilight J Sparkle
1999-2016
Astra inclinant, sed non obligant
Daughter of Night & Twilight
Sister of Shining & Mi Amore
Friend of Rarity, Sunset, Pinkie,
Fluttershy, Applejack, & Rainbow
Rainbow fingered the violet geode sitting aside her own aquamarine in her pocket, and continued on her way.
/x/x/x/
In your house, I long to be
Room by room, patiently
I'll wait for you there, like a stone
I'll wait for you there, alone, alone... alone
Author's Note
I wrote this on a whim at 4 in the morning after a particularly difficult night.
The song lyrics at the end are from the song "Like A Stone" by Audioslave
The singer, Christopher John Cornell, committed suicide on May 18, 2017
If you are feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-273-8255 or text "help" to 741741
