Awesome Police Do Equestria

by ROBCakeran53

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Narcotics, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 7112

Mister Officer, Awesome Police, along with his deputy Sergeant Reckless, stop crime and punish bad guys.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

All Hell broke loose.

Meet Mister Officer, Awesome Police, who was pulled away from his 1970's Earth and thrust into the golden age of Equestria. Along with his deputy Sergeant Reckless, and a lack of any real law knowledge, the duo go around Canterlot dealing with crimes no other pony dares tackle.

These are their stories, their heroics, and their passion for fighting crime and punishing those who do wrong to others.

----------

Pre-read by Snakeskin Ducttape, and not properly edited by anyone, including me.

Published 2018-11-07 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-20 15:21:33 UTC

1: Leap of Faith

Author's Note

Because I need *another* uncompleted story on my account...

I was working on The Whittler, honest! And then I got talking with Snakeskin Ducttape, about some of our zany fic ideas, and something stirred in me to just go with this old idea I had, which was originally inspired by my shenanigans when I'd be playing GTA4 online back in the day.

I was Awesome Police, fighting crime with a shotgun and as many police cars as I could manage to blow up.

Also, Sergeant Reckless is actually based upon the real horse, which has had quite a few images of her ponified (which are adorable). I'm currently reading her biography book, so I figured why not include her?

All of my broken english speech for her is directly inspired by watching M*A*S*H, so if you have a problem with it, meh.

1: Leap of Faith

The year was 1978. The place, a generic city in a generic state in the best country there was. Drugs were everywhere, bad guys were doing bad guy things, and the police were trying their hardest to not try that hard, but still look busy with stuff like beating up school children or giving out parking tickets to grandma.

However, one fateful day, a magical storm happened, creating a portal through time and space, sending a lone officer with his trusty squad car to another world in another time.

That place, was Equestria, inhabited by small technicolored ponies who farted rainbows and slapped bad guys with friendship. It was a place in desperate need of a new hero, one who took the law into his own hands (not hooves because he wasn’t a pony), but not edgy and secretive like a vigilante.

Now, the year was 4125 AC (After Cake, because once Celestia had some the world was never the same again. Flanks like a brick house.) and they were in Canterlot, Equestria, a place not as great as the other place, but still pretty good. Instead of drugs it was baked goods. Instead of the mob it was “The Mane Six and that other purple one.”

His name was Mister Officer, Awesome Police, keeper of the law, even if he didn’t know any Equestrian laws or barely any of his own. He was here now, in Canterlot, doing the un-noticed work and good deeds this fair city needed. Even with a mark on their butts, one could never be so sure about a pony.

“How about him?” a mare asked.

“Yes, especially him,” Mister Officer said, glaring at the smiling flower cutie mark on a stallion who could have been mistaken for a flaming homosexual.

“But Sir! Swinging barn doors are okay number one here in Equestria!”

“How do you know what I was thinking?” he asked.

“You doing mono-lodging again.”

“I apologize,” he apologized. Lifting up his binoculars, Mister Officer began surveying the ponies around the bank once more. “When one’s in the heat of the moment, it’s very important to monologue one’s thoughts to his deputy.”

“Is okay. I likes your voice. Very soothing, so wow.”

His deputy returned her focus back outside. The mare, young for a police pony, went by the name Sergeant Reckless, a brown earth pony with white socks and stripe starting between her eyes, and going down her muzzle. She was Mister Officer’s deputy, sworn to his side in the vein attempts to stomp out evil and uphold the laws.

Unfortunately, she knew as few Equestrian laws as he did. She was from South Porea, and her ~~English~~ Equestrian wasn’t all that good.

Suddenly, from inside the bank, an alarm was tripped, causing ponies all over to look curiously. Four heavily armed stallions, wearing masks, burst from the glass doors and ran for a parked stage coach. They were carrying bags of what looked to be gold bits, considering they were spilling them out on the street.

“Oh oh! Mister Officer! Look!” Reckless began pointing, bouncing on her seat, at the stallions, two of them hitching up to the front.

“Yes, yes, I see it. Now we just wait.”

Reckless blinked. “Um, wait what for?”

Suddenly, there was a rainbow blur, stopping just over the bank.

“THERE!” Mister Officer flipped the switch on his dash, lighting up his strobe lights and siren.

Turning the ignition, the ‘78 Dodge Monaco roared to life, and dropping the shift lever he pressed the accelerator to the floor. The rear wheels struggled to grab traction in the grass of the park, but once it dug up the grass and hit hard dirt the vehicle took off towards the bank from behind their hiding bush.

The rainbow haired pegasus, meanwhile, was already flying after the stagecoach, catching up far quicker than any normal pegasus had any right to.

To his right, Reckless was clopping her hooves together in excitement. “Yay, we grab bad ponies!”

“Deputy! Take the mic and tell her to pull over and land on the ground, now!”

Reckless fumbled with the small plastic mic, then brought it to her muzzle to speak.

“HELLO, BAD PONIES. WE ARE GOOD PONIES. STOP PLEASE NOW, OR WE MAKE YOU SORRY FOR BAD THINGS.” “How was that?”

Mister Officer gave her a thumbs up, swerving to miss another pony drawn taxi. “Good, now tell her to stop.”

Reckless looked at the pegasus, dive bombing the stagecoach in an attempt to stop it. “But, she tries to stop also. So we stop her stop bad ponies?”

“Yes.”

Reckless shrugged, picking up the mic again. “ALSO GAY PEGASUS, PLEASE STOP YOUR STOPPING SO THAT WE CAN STOP BAD PONIES BECAUSE WE ARE GOOD PONIES. PULL TO GROUND AND STOP OVER.”

At her mention, Rainbow Dash stopped mid-dive bomb to look at the patrol car catching up.

“Hey! I’m not-” she swerved to miss a flying net.

Mister Officer was half hanging out his open drivers window, a net catapult over his left shoulder, while Reckless attempted to steer the vehicle with hooves.

He grabbed the microphone, adjusting his sunglasses as he calmly spoke, dipping his head to miss a street lamp. “YOU HAVE EVADED ME LONG ENOUGH, RAINBOW TRAIL. YOU’VE EXCEEDED THE SPEED LIMIT ONE TIME TOO MANY. NOW PREPARE TO BE DETAINED. AND FINED. AND RECEIVE TWO POINTS ON YOUR FLYERS LICENSE.”

“I don't have a flying license!” Rainbow shouted back, missing another net.

“That fiend.” Mister Officer squeezed the mic in his hand, nearly breaking it.

“Officer! No more nets!” Reckless called from inside.

“Curses.” He tossed the catapult behind him, causing a milk wagon to swerve out of the way and topple over.

“Spilled milk!” Reckless called out, pointing behind them.

“Justice cries for no one, including spilled milk.”

“So wise, Mister Officer.”

“Yes, I am,” he said, while proceeding to drive onto the sidewalk, avoiding a crowded intersection.

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, struggled to relocate the bank robbers coach, having lost it when dealing with that crazy police officer. They were nearing the edge of the Canterlot plateau, where it was a sudden drop all the way down to the base of Mount Canterhorn.

Suddenly, she saw them, heading for one of the air boat ports.

“Oh no you don’t!” Rainbow put on more speed, her rainbow trail weaving around other pegasi and street lights.

Behind her, she could still hear the siren, but no visual on the vehicle gave the mare a pause for breath. She quickly saw the bank robbers exiting the coach, unhitching the other two, and throwing the bags onto a small dingy of a airboat.

“Gotcha,” Rainbow went into a steep dive, aiming for them.

“Wow, that was close!” Robber pony number One said, tossing the last bag into the vessel.

“You said it, One.” Robber pony number Three agreed.

“I’m just glad we lost that pegasus,” Robber pony number Two said.

“And that other thing wailing and yelling in a thick Porean accent.” Robber pony number Four kicked the stagecoach away, making it somepony else’s problem.

The four turned to board their ship, when a blue pegasus wi- no fuck it, Rainbow Dash, landed between them and their ship.

“Where do you four think you’re going?”

“Oh holy crap, you said we lost her!” Three said to Two.

“I thought we did!” Two squealed like a filly, bumping into Four.

“Yeah, and once the guard realize what’s happened and come, you’ll all be in trouble!”

The four stallions were shaking, then One stopped. “Wait, when you say ‘the guard realize’, did… did you not tell the guard you were following us?”

Rainbow blinked, confusion on her face. Then, realization clicked in.

“Oh, horse apples.”

“I’ll get the rope~” Two song-danced, making a lasso and catching Rainbow before she could fly off.

Within minutes, Rainbow was bound and gagged, and loaded up with their bags of money. Undoing the rope on the dock cleat, they pushed away and began floating from Canterlot.

“Wow, One, that must have been the easiest robbery we’ve had yet,” Four said, giving Rainbow a noogie.

Suddenly, the group heard music, ushering their baby to come back, and turned back to the dock just in time to see a black and white horseless carriage make a drive by of the dock edge. A long metal tube stuck out the window, and at the musical cue it let out a loud-

BLAM!

The five ponies looked up at the collapsing balloon, now peppered with buckshot, and began panicking as they started to tilt to the side, and fall down very fast.

Rainbow managed to take off her gag. “Hey, untie me and I’ll help!”

“That sounds like a bad idea!” One shouted as they fell.

“It’s our only idea!” Four shouted, struggling to cut the mare free as Two clung to him, screaming like a little filly.

“Hah! Suckers!” Rainbow shot up into the air with a burst of speed.

“Dang it!” One shouted, watching as the ground came closer and closer and closer until-

Rainbow watched as the airship crashed into the ground, splinters of wood flying everywhere and golden bits exploding out like blooming flowers.

“That was awesome. Now to go get some royal guards and-”

“Baby come back!”

Rainbow looked towards the dock in horror, watching the police cruiser launch itself off a ramp, aiming right for her. She was so dumbfounded, she failed to realize the driver was sticking halfway out the vehicle, until he grabbed her and pulled her in.

“Who the buck are you?” Rainbow asked.

“I’m Officer. Mister Officer, Awesome Police,” Mister Officer said, sunglasses causing a lense flare. “Deputy Sergeant Reckless, remember the button I told you never to press?”

The brown mare nodded.

“Press it.”

Reckless opened the glove box, and removed the plastic lense off the big red button that said “Do Not Press! p.s. That means you, Mister!” and pressed the button.

From the airboat wreckage, One, Two, Three, and Four all crawled out, a little battered and bruised, but not dead.

“Wow, we’re not dead!” Two cheered.

Four nodded, but looked around at the mess. “Yes, but look! All our bits are scattered everywhere.”

One, the most alert pony, scrambled to his hooves. “So what? We’re alive, we need to run before-”

Suddenly, and slowly, a 4500 pound vehicle landed on top of him, shoving him into the wet mud with a squish. Not a “dead pony” kind of squish, but a “embarrassingly trapped under a car” squish, his head sticking out from under the front bumper.

The other three stallions looked on in horror, as two individuals stepped out of the patrol car, the tall bipedal holding a pump action shotgun. Behind them a parachute fell, the tension on the string freed, allowing the trunk to close. The blue pegasus was hoof cuffed, and sitting in the back.

The three looked at each other, then dropped to the ground with forehooves up. “WE SURRENDER!”

Mister Officer took off his shades, grinning with a toothpick in his mouth.

“We do good?” Reckless asked.

“Of course, we always do good.”

“What in the buck were you doing?” Captain Meanie Pants shouted, the scene behind him complete chaos of guards, police ponies, bit coins and wood chunks.

“Our civic duty.”

“Your-what? Mister Officer, that’s the biggest load of horse doodie I’ve ever heard, and I should know.”

Reckless perked up at that. “You was raised in barn like Reckless, Captain-san?”

“NO!”

“Oh.” Reckless’ ears went flat.

“I cannot believe one pony, one monkey, and two tons of steel could cause so much trouble. You caused panic on the streets, overturned a milk cart, took out three taxi’s, crashed a airboat and for what?”

“A spee-”

“A SPEEDING TICKET! Ignoring the robbery in progress, you went after not just any pegasus, oh noooo, but one of the Elements of Harmony, Loyalty herself! Who is close friends with Princess Twilight Sparkle, and acquaintances with the other princesses, and top it all off she’s a Wonderbolt, which means she was actually doing her job in chasing down criminals!

“And you want to give her a speeding ticket?”

Mister Officer nodded his head, hands on his hips in a dramatic pose. “Of course. It’s the law.”

“THE LAW?” Meanie shouted, his police cap going askew.

“She has been recorded going at least double the allowed areal speed limit fifteen times, doing aerobatics twelve, twice of those times over public parks, and top it all off she’s evaded arrest every time!”

Reckless produced from her breast pocket a notebook, which Captain Meanie Pants took in his magical aura. He flipped through the pages, grumbling as he went over the charges, the witness testimonies, and complaints by some Canterlot ponies. If there was one thing Mister Officer was, excluding insane, he was thorough.

With a defeated sigh, Captain Meanie Pants hoofed back the notepad to Reckless “Fine, book her.”

“WHAT?” Rainbow shouted, still hoof cuffed.

“Sorry, but honestly I’ve got bigger issues to deal with, like a bank robbery. You can sort all this out with a judge,” the captain said, trotting away.

“Finally… your time has come. Deputy, my notebook.” Mister Officer approached the mare.

“You’re not a sheriff!” Meanie shouted off in the distance, promptly ignored.

“Rainbow Trail-”

“Dash.”

“-you are here by fined the penalty of five bits for every speeding charge, amounting to a total of seventy five bits. Twelve aerobatic charges under the one thousand foot ceiling allowance at three bits per charge, with an additional four bits for the two times over the park, coming to forty four bits. Lastly, evading arrest twenty two times, a night in jail for each evasion, so that’s twenty two days in the Canterlot Dungeons.”

Mister Officer tore off his copy of the ticket, placing it in Rainbow’s open mouth.

“Cuff her, Reckless.”

Silence.

“Um, Mister Officer, she is already cuff.”

“Excellent job, deputy,” he patted the mare on her head, giving her a Snickers bar, which she proceeded to eat, wrapper and all, in one bite.

Mister Officer grabbed the blue pegasus, throwing her into the back of the squad car and slammed the door closed. He then got into his drivers seat, with Reckless sitting beside him, and began to drive off.

“Mister Officer, how we go back up?”

“So he put you on a leash, tying you to his mirror, then he made you make a road out of clouds, got a unicorn to cast a cloud walking spell on his tires, and drove you back up here, and threw you in my dungeon?”

Rainbow nodded, still cuffed and sitting in a dingy, grimy, cold damp cell under Celestia’s castle.

Princess Celestia let out a long, tired sigh. Princess Luna struggled to hide a grin behind her hoof. Princess Twilight looked like she wanted to murder some~~pony~~human.

“When I find him…” Twilight mumbled.

“Now Twilight, relax, I’m sure we can settle things.” Celestia smiled.

From behind them, they heard a match being lit, drawing their attention. Sitting at a desk, cast faintly in light by oil lamp, was none other than Mister Officer, Awesome Police, with his deputy Sergeant Reckless.

“Hallo.” Reckless waved.

Celestia and Luna waved back, Twilight passed out from a burst blood vessel.

TO BE CONTINUED...

2: Code 409

While not the Grand Galloping Gala, any garden party on the castle grounds were bound to draw in a lot of high class ponies, nobles, and were they so lucky, a princess or two.

Fancy Pants was one of those stallions that had a knack for drawing in the big crowds, even if the party wasn’t at the castle, or even in Canterlot at all. Mostly charity drives, he knew how to talk ponies into coming along, sharing some drink and merriment, and donating to a good cause.

And if they didn’t, his wife would be on a pony in seconds.

Rarity sipped at her wine, watching the tall, slender mare split a conversation between two noble ponies who seemed put off by the party’s theme. In truth, Rarity herself wasn’t so sure about this kind of thing, but the way Fancy Pants explained it it sounded like this would bring about great change.

From what she’d heard, between Fancy Pants’ and several other ponies talking, somebody had taken an extreme interest into the abandoned roller rink on Harness Street in Canterlot. Shut down for almost a decade, the place was on the chopping block to be torn down. Apparently between that time and now, someone, and Rarity noticed with interest Fancy never said somepony, but someone, had wanted to salvage the building.

They had the tenacity, the will, and the drive to do the work. What they did lack, however, was the funds. How word got to Fancy, it was anypony’s guess, although Rarity wouldn’t put it past Princess Celestia to put a worm in his ear.

Rarity’s ears twitched at the unique laughter of Hoity Toity, and her gaze followed to find him conversing with Fancy Pants himself. Rarity took another sip of her wine, waiting for the right moment to step in and join the conversation.

“I just find it so stimulating that with the latest trends rolling back to our youth; that roller skating arenas have been out of touch for so long. I was a pro back in the day, and I can’t wait to get out there again and show everypony how it’s done!” Hoity said with a smile, taking another sip of his brandy.

“Why yes, I do agree. It has been a long time since I was out skating, although my wife does enjoy ice skating. I just don’t have the finesse like she does. Speaking of finesse, good evening Miss Rarity!”

Both stallions turned to the white mare approaching, setting her empty wine glass onto a passing tray pony’s tray.

“Good evening, gentlestallions. I couldn’t help myself, hearing such joyous talk about this upcoming project of yours, Fancy.”

“Why yes, also might I add your dress tonight is stunning! Is this something you cooked up for the evening?” Fancy gave a small smile, watching as Hoity lowered his glasses to properly gauge the mare.

“Oh heavens no, I had no time to fashion something special. This one is a little last season, but I’d yet to debut it, and thought what better time than now? Before it completely falls from fashion.”

Hoity laughed at that. “Well, my dear, considering this party is all about falls from fashion, I’d say you dressed proper.”

Rarity took the blow with stride. “Why thank you, Hoity. Dare I expect some one on one time later this evening to do an article?” Rarity batted her eyes.

Just because they were gay didn’t mean feminine charm never works on a stallion.

“Not tonight I’m afraid, but if you find yourself in Canterlot still come tomorrow afternoon, I could open up a time.”

“Why that would be wonderful, Hoity,” Rarity smiled, “I look forward to it.”

The conversation shifted once more, and after another half hour of standing around on her hooves, Rarity needed a break, and excused herself to find a refreshment table.

It was a sad state that Rarity found the table, laiden with small portions of food that couldn’t properly be called snacks, and with so much dressing and design around it that a pony couldn’t figure out if it was edible or not. Thankfully, she was a mare of higher standing, and after years of making social fo puas she’d picked up a few things.

A voice had her ears twitching, turning to her left. She knew that voice. Not a voice, or pony it belonged to, that she wanted to deal with. Quickly she picked up her small plate of snacks and another glass of red wine, and turned to leave.

Then she smacked right into Blueblood.

Time slowed to a crawl as Rarity watched her glass of wine shake, and a small droplet escaped the rushing waves inside the glass. The party went silent, all eyes on that single dot of wine as gravity brought it down along with Rarity’s mood.

With a splash that shook the room, the droplet fell onto Blueblood’s tuxedo. His white tuxedo.

“My suit! You’ve ruined it, you, you…” then Blueblood’s eyes met sapphire, and his face shifted from anger and disgust, to shock and horror, and back to anger and disgust. “You.”

“Blueblood, I’m so terribly sorry.” She wasn’t. “I didn’t see you there, and I was just on my way-”

“I do not care for your excuses, you bumped into me and spilled your drink! This suit was not cheap, I’ll have you know. The cleaning bill will be outrageous.”

Rarity tried not to facehoof. “Blueblood, it was an accident, and I-”

Again, she was cut off.

“I do not care for how sorry of an excuse you could replicate this tuxedo, the fact of the matter is you’ve ruined it!”

“Blueblood, it can be cleaned.”

“No, perish the thought! You’ll have to pay for a new one.”

“What? That’s ridiculous. I’d never buy anything for you, let alone some stuck up noble’s tux.”

“Stuck up- Why, how dare you? I’ll have you know this was made by a dear, close friend of mine. In fact, this could be considered a crime what you’ve done to-”

Suddenly, the room was filled with a siren, and flashing red and blue lights. They turned to the table, and Rarity realized that the table cloth, food, and drinks held on it, were not on a table, but in fact the front end of a large, metal carriage.

The two front doors opened up, one tall bipedal thing, and a pony, both wearing police uniforms, stepped out. The biped was wearing sunglasses, for some reason. Both were carrying small plates with a slice of cake.

“I’m Mister Officer, Awesome Police. This is my deputy Sergeant Reckless. What seems to be the problem here?” He asked, taking another bite of his cake.

The police pony with him shoveled the last of her cake into her mouth, and set the plate down on the “table”. She then drew out a notepad, and pencil in her mouth, began writing.

Rarity was at a loss for words. Blueblood wasn’t, and didn’t miss a beat.

“This mare here spilled red wine onto my very expensive white suit! I demand compensation!”

Rarity turned onto the prince. “It was an accident! How can you possibly make me pay such a huge amount of bits-”

“That I’m sure you lack, since you live in Ponyville.”

Rarity’s face was turning red. “How would you like the rest of your suit to match?” She levitated her glass.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

The biped stepped between the two, holding his hands in each of their faces.

“Now there’s no cause to escalate this. Mister Blue-”

“That’s Prince Blueblood.”

“... riiiiight, Prince Blueblood, do you wish to file an accident report?”

“Of course I do! I need compensation.”

“In more ways than one,” Rarity whispered to Reckless, who blinked in confusion.

Mister Officer knelt down, examining the stain on the suit. “Hmmm. Just as I suspected. Looks like a ten-nine, which lead into a ten-seventy two, followed by a four-oh-nine.”

Reckless looked up from her mouth writing. “Four oh nine?”

Mister Officer nodded. “Giddy up, giddy up, four oh nine.”

Everypony looked at the officer, confused.

From his holster, Mister Officer retrieved not his pistol, but a spray bottle, stylized with the large purple numbers 409. He then aimed it at Blueblood.

Mister Officer lowered his shades. “Giddy up.”

Then proceeded to spray the white suit, causing Blueblood to back up in alarm as he was assaulted. Blueblood took off running, and Mister Officer was quick to pursue.

“Deputy! We have a twelve-sixty three! Fleeing from a four-oh-nine, officer ten-two!” He vaulted over a pony, continuing chase.

Sergeant Reckless lowered her notepad, scratching her ear with her hind hoof. “I know not what numbers mean.”

Rarity looked at the mare, noticing her the notepad had a lazy drawing of what looked like poker chips.

“I’m sorry, but are you two actually police officers?” Rarity asked.

Reckless nodded her head enthusiastically. “Oh yes, Mister Officer is number one okay! Reckless also good, just not number one. Mister Officer say at least top forty. Kay See Kaysom would be prouds. Big goodly where from.”

Rarity slowly nodded her head, clearly not understanding anything that was just said.

“Deputy! We now have a ten-twelve, suspect assaulting officer with four-oh-nine!”

Suddenly, Mister Officer came running by, while Blueblood chased with the floating bottle. “How do you like it? You big stupid ape!”

Rarity watched in fascination, all the while the crowd of ponies had given the two ample room to chase one another.

“Um, I’m not one to tell a pony of the law how to do their job, but shouldn’t you help?” Rarity asked.

Reckless blinked, then stroked her chin in thought. “Mister Officer ask Reckless for help when need help. He no ask help.”

Blueblood ran past, his tux halfway over his head, blinded. “I cannot see!”

Mister Officer continued to give chase, spray bottle in his hand. “You will surrender peacefully! Or I will be forced to use lethal force.”

Mister Officer tackled the pony, tussling on the floor like a couple of school yard colts.

“Unhoof me! Unhoof me! Auntie help!”

“I do not have hooves, therefore I am not hoofing you. And your make believe God can’t help you now that the Awesome Police are here.”

They careened into another table, sending glasses of red wine up into the air. Most ponies scattered, barely able to get away, however one such figure was in direct line of fire from the aerial assault.

Princess Celestia had been assaulted by many things in her long life, but never so much red wine.

Everyone froze, shocked, terrified, and outright horrified expressions on everypony’s face as their ruler stood, dripping red wine onto the marble floor. The only person unfazed by their now red ruler was Mister Officer, who was holding Blueblood in his arms, the stallion flailing around and trying to escape.

“Deputy Sergeant Reckless, suspect has been apprehended,” he panted.

Reckless retrieved a pair of hoof cuffs, and placed them onto the prince. Mister Officer looked up, a smile on his face for a job well done. That’s when he saw the red alicorn princess, and recoiled in shock.

“Better dead than red,” he muttered.

Celestia magik’d a tablecloth over to her, and wiped most of it off her face, revealing her somewhat white coat, now tinged so her pink hues stood out prominently.

“This… is going to take weeks to wash out,” Celestia murmured, two of her guards arriving on scene with hoof fulls of towels.

“There must sometimes be sacrifices in the name of Justice, and the American way.”

“This is Equestria, Mister Officer,” Celestia retorted.

“Which means even more sacrifices,” he countered.

Princess Celestia let out a sigh, and began patting herself down while ponies began to leave the ballroom. Guards escorting ponies out in a timely order.

“I’m so terribly sorry, Princess! I knew we should have just stuck with the regular guard posts this evening,” Fancy Pants rushed over, bowing.

“As am I! This was all my fault Princess!” Rarity joined the stallion on the floor.

“It’s quite alright, Fancy, Rarity. Please stand.” They did so. “I was just shocked the captain of the police sent them here.”

“Oh, we not sent here.”

Fancy, Rarity and Celestia looked to the police mare.

“I’m sorry, what?” Fancy asked.

“Officer Picklefork and Greenie were here. Mister Officer, being A plus good at job, arrest them!”

The three ponies blinked at the mare.

“Whyyyyy?” Celestia let the word draw out.

Mister Officer threw a hog tied Blueblood into the back seat to pout, slamming the door closed.

“I am not pouting!” Blueblood shouted through the small gap left in the door window.

“Because as my deputy stated, I’m good at my job.” He then opened the trunk to reveal two bound and gagged police stallions, eyes squinting from the sudden light.

Celestia walked over, looking at the frightened ponies.

“What is the meaning of this?” She turned to Mister Officer. “You cannot just tie up anypony you want!”

“Princess, is this the same police officer who arrested Rainbow Dash last week?” Rarity asked.

“The very same!”

“Why the nerve of you! You should be-”

Rarity was silenced as Mister Officer drew his bottle of 409, and aimed it at the two stallions.

“This is the time to surrender. Do so now, and we’ll keep this off the records, and maybe this God horse won’t burn you to a crisp.”

Celestia’s left brow reached orbit.

“You see, Princess, I’ve been hot on a secret mission from the guard to find a changeling infiltrator.”

“Wait, aren’t they all good now?” Rarity asked.

“Yes, except for one.” He looked to Celestia. “I need to borrow your body.”

Celestia was thankful for the red staining of her coat, for had they seen her blush there would be tartarus to pay.

Mister Officer sprayed part of her coat, the left shoulder, and the red staining began to drip off.

“It works on red wine, the most stainful liquid to inflate carpet remnant prices in history. It also forces changelings to revert. Now, you gonna surrender peacefully, or am I gonna have another code four-oh-nine?”

“Giddy up?” Reckless asked.

“Giddy up.” Mister Officer confirmed.

The two police stallions looked at one another, and the one on the right rolled its eyes as it flashed a green color, revealing-

“Chrysalis!?” Both Celestia and Rarity recoiled.

Chrysalis spit out the now torn gag, and shedding the torn bindings stepped out from the trunk, a menacing grin on her face.

“Yes, and I’m amazed that this ape figured it out so easily. What gave me away? Did I slip up on my disguise? Did my forged paperwork not match up?”

“Even worse.” Mister Officer said. “Greenie rhymes with Meanie, and you’re a big one to boot.”

Chrysalis blinked. “Are you for real?” She turned to Celestia. “Is he for real?”

With a sad look, Celestia nodded her head.

“Reckless, book her.”

From nowhere, Reckless pounced the changeling queen, only to be thrown off.

“I do not have time for this. Until we meet again, Mister Officer.”

With that, she teleported away, leaving not a trace of magic to track.

Mister Officer untied officer Picklefork.

“Sorry for that, but I wasn't sure which of you was her yet.”

The stallion nodded his head, walking away from the group and out the exit, a lost expression on his face.

The ballroom was silent, two police officers, a princess, a superhero, and Fancy Pants all stood around.

“Well, no sense in letting all this food go to waste.” Mister Officer walked over to one of the food tables.

“Yay beer!” Reckless shouted, tossing her notebook to the floor to join her partner.

“I am very confused,” Fancy Pants said.

“Honey! We did magnificent on the donations! More than enough to- wait, what’s going on?” Fleur stopped, looking at the stunned ponies. “What did I miss?”

“I think, Mister Officer, caught Queen Chrysalis, by arresting Blueblood?” Fancy said.

“And then his deputy jitsu attacked her, and she escaped?” Celestia added.

“Huh. I think you’re right,” Rarity said.

Everypony was silent, watching the police officers enjoy the food and drink.

“Maybe we should have Blueblood arrested more often,” Princess Celestia said with a chuckle. “Just, next time, less red wine.”

“Or more Round Up(™) 409!” Mister Officer shouted from the table.

Author's Note

I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS JOKE SINCE BEFORE WRITING HORSE WORDS. Up at our cabin, we have a bottle of 409 from the 70's that we use so infrequently, it's lasted this long.

If you do not get the song reference, then truly I've failed in every possible way.

Also, if you're at all curious about the codes Mister Officer is using, here's the site I used. Just be warned, the site is so 90's that if you listen carefully enough, you hear the Space Jam theme...

3: Hitchin a Ride

Applejack stepped out of the passenger car and onto the station platform, drawing in a deep breath through her nose, and released it out her mouth.

Canterlot. It sure stunk.

She didn’t let the thought bother her, however, as she made to collect her bags and large crate. She was supposed to be meeting Twilight’s parents who offered her a place to stay while she was visiting, and expected the unicorns to gladly offer some magic assist in dragging her supplies to their home.

Or if not, she was a strong mare.

However, as she approached the luggage car, she found her bags and large crate of produce being inspected by… a large bipedal creature in a police uniform.

“Howdy there, partner! What can I do ya for?” Applejack asked.

The creature, stroking his very impressive mustache, continued to look over a clipboard held in his other hand. His large aviator sunglasses reflected the clean white paper, and she couldn’t tell if he was looking at her, the clipboard, or really anywhere else.

“Is this yours, ma’am?” he, clearly male sounding, finally asked. He tapped her produce crate with the clipboard.

“Sure is! Why, is there an issue, officer…?”

“Please, you can call me by my first name, Mister.”

“Mister!? I ain’t no stud! I’m a mare!”

“Yes, I can tell.”

“Then why’d you call me Mister?”

“I didn’t. You called me Officer.”

“Well what else would I call you?”

“Mister.”

“Mister what?”

“Mister Officer.”

Applejack blinked, and could already feel a headache coming on. She let out a defeated sigh, and knocked a hoof on her crate. “Officer-”

“Mister Officer, I can’t have random mares calling me by my given name.”

“Fine. Mister, I’d appreciate if you told me why you’re inspectin’ my crate here.”

“Oh, I’m not.”

Applejack blinked. “Yer not?”

He shook his head, but then looked down at her, glasses sliding down his nose so his eyes bore into her over the top of the lenses. “But should I?”

“No! It’s just apples and other Apple made products! There ain’t nothin’ else in there.”

Mister Officer stroked his mustache again.

“You say that, and yet, you brought it up, which makes it highly suspicious. Sergeant Reckless, what do you think?”

“She smell goodly!”

Applejack jumped as a mare appeared beside her, sniffing her blonde mane. She had the socks and blaze of a pinto, yet her accent was very thick and unfamiliar to the Apple mare.

“Smells… goodly…” Mister Officer said as he wrote on the clipboard.

“Look, uh, officers, I’m waiting for some ponies, and unless there’s an issue I really need ta-”

“Oh?” Mister Officer interrupted, turning on his heels towards a large black and white carriage. “Do you mean… these ponies?”

He opened the read door, and out stepped Twilight Velvet and Night Light.

“What!?” Applejack exclaimed, and then feeling a tug on her tail pulled it out of the munching maw of Reckless.

“Hiya Applejack! How are you sweetie!” Missus Velvet rushed over, giving Applejack a hug.

“How’s it going?” added Night Light, giving the mare a pat on the shoulder.

“I’m fine! Just, uh, what’s with…” she pointed to the large bipedal.

“Oh, it was just the strangest thing, dear. We were on our way down to meet you at the station, you see.”

“Because we like to be punctual,” added Night Light.

“Hush, honey, let me talk.” She turned back to Applejack. “Anyway, we were on our way here, when all of a sudden there was this awful wail of a siren, and Mister Officer swung around in his horseless carriage.”

“Shouldn’t we ask what a horseless carriage even is? Why is it horseless?”

“Hush honey. He tells us important ponies like us shouldn’t be out wandering the streets, so has us join him and brought us here.”

While Twilight Velvet told the story, with her husband’s occasional insertions, she watched as Mister Officer and Sergeant Reckless loaded her bags into the trunk, however hesitated at the massive crate.

“And here we are!” chirped mister Light.

“Police escort! What a thing! We knew Twilight being a princess was a big deal, but this was just a fun little addition! He even let me drive!”

“It was absolutely horrifying!” exclaimed Night Light with a forced smile.

“I no scared! Reckless brave!” said the police mare.

“In the line of Justice and the American Way, only those of the most vile can frighten me.”

“Ooooookay. So, uh, what, they’re gonna take us to your place?” asked Applejack.

Both of Twilight’s parents nodded. “Yes, just as soon as they figure out how to load up your large crate here.”

For once, Applejack’s mood changed as she chuckled. “Well, about that.”

She gave the crate a swift buck, and the four sides and lid fell to the ground, revealing a produce cart.

“I’m selling my wares, so figured it best to bring a whole cart. They wouldn’t allow it on the train without restraint, so I figured the best way were to crate it up.”

Mister Officer leaned forward, inspecting the harness which had been swung upward for more clearance. “Interesting… no matter, we’ll figure out how to hitch it up.”

The large being escorted the three ponies into the back seat, although Applejack had to, again, swat at the police mare as she tried to chew on her tail. After a few moments, Applejack felt a sudden jump in the rear of the vehicle, and then stopped.

Mister Officer got in the front left, and with the turn of a key started the monster that was under the hood, and they were off. Looking around, Applejack noticed a severe lack of one police mare.

“Uh, Mister Officer? Where’s your… uh… Reckless?”

“I didn’t have a hitch to properly attatch to my squad car, so she’s in the trunk.”

“In the trunk?”

“Hitched to your cart.”

“My cart?”

“So we’re pulling it.”

From the outside, a sudden exclamation of cheers and jubilation came to be. Finding a crank handle, Applejack rolled down the right rear window to look out and behind her, the open trunk having blocked anything from view out the rear window.

Seeing her cart weaving side to side, the form of Sergeant Reckless was barely seen in the trunk, whooping and laughing as she hung on for dear life to the rear bumper, having clearly been yanked out of the trunk upon the police man’s harsh acceleration.

“Mister Officer! Your sergeant is gonna fall out!”

“Deputy Sergeant Reckless will be fine. It’s in her name.”

The next fifteen minutes were a blur for Applejack, between constantly checking to ensure her apple cart was not, in fact, gone, nor the mare attached to it. Or watching ponies ahead of them diving for cover and making holes in traffic so they could speed through intersections that had green lights.

At one point, Twilight Velvet had jumped up front, her head sticking out the right window while her tail wagged with excitement and glee. Beside her, Night Light grabbed onto Applejack’s arm for support, the stallion unable to stop shaking, yet his charismatic smile never waivered.

They finally reached the Sparkle home with a skid of four rubber tires squealing on cobblestone.

“Oh, that was so much fun!” Twilight Velvet cheered, bouncing in her seat.

“Glad I could be of service, ma’am,” Mister Officer said with a tip of his hat.

The three ponies exited, and found a giggling Sergeant Reckless unhitching from the apple cart. A few more minutes, and another swat of Applejack’s tail, and she was unloaded and on the street corner.

“Take care now!” Velvet waved as the vehicle began to drive off.

“Please never come back!” cried Night Light, still smiling as he waved.

Applejack looked at her apple cart, and the fact the two wheels had shrunk considerably from wear.

The vehicle rounded a corner, and was gone.

“What a nice lad! I’ll grab your bags, dear. Light, honey.”

“Sure thing, dear. Once inside however I need to go cry in the bathroom for several minutes.”

Using their magic, Applejack’s two suit cases and set of saddle bags were floated along towards the house. The farm mare continued to sit on the street curb, and with a sigh opened a compartment to retrieve an apple.

From around the opposite corner, the police vehicle came around the bend at high speed, tires squealing and siren blaring. Applejack could only blink, and in that time the vehicle skidded to a halt beside her, Mister Officer half hanging out his window while Reckless sat in his lap, drooling.

Both were staring at Applejack.

Or her apple.

“Two bits per.”

Four bits were tossed to the curb, and Applejack tossed two clean, crisp apples at them. Reckless caught hers in her mouth, while the bipedal in his hand.

He inspected the apple, then with a nod, pulled out the very familiar clipboard, scribbled something on it, and tore off a slip of paper. He reached over to place it on the orange mare’s muzzle.

Applejack blinked, and watched the vehicle drive off once more.

Her eyes narrowed, focusing on the paper, only to realize in horror it was, in fact, a ticket.

Selling goods on the street without a license.

She sighed. The fee was four bits.

Author's Note