Plot Armor

by MostBrainWhyYes

Rating: mature
Tags: Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random
Length: 1416

A rear guard and armorsmithing pony thats an expert at using iron meets a terrible fate.

A conscripted soldier needs to defend the rear. He has crafted some of the finest armor this side of the moon, tis a shame should he not make it in this upcoming battle.

Published 2018-09-24 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-24 00:50:01 UTC

Puns, (E)innuendos, n intense strategy. P.E.N.I.S.

Someplace upon the dark side of the moon a mass of mingling pony bodies grunting and thrusting for their lives.

"Oh! Oh Luna! OHHH! I've come as fast as I could!" A stallion declares whilst panting and sweating. His eyes fall upon his liege standing proudly with her massive black lance. Oh how he admired her and that look of determination in her eye, the way the earth reflect's the sun's light back upon her making her look even more impressive.

"Yes! I have needed a stallion to escort me!" Luna groans thrusting about her mighty lance into a couple of mares.

"Where are you in need of me, your highness?" He marvels looking up to her, yelling from below for they are atop the crater's ring and it is rather steep.

"I need you to defend my rear!" She pulls out causing steamy hot juices to flow out of the mares she doth pierced.

"You need protection?" He dodges white blasts coming from stallions from above.

"A-aye!" Luna struggles under the weight of a massive polearm that suddenly greets her.

"Just to we are clear on this, you need me to defend your rear, or to protect your rear?"

"I need you! To! Give it to me! Plot armor, Plot Armor! T-then, I need you to defend the rear with the utmost care!" Luna gets impatient, she cannot stand stallions who do not know what they are doing.

"Shouldn't you have started with protection?" He inquires confused as to how this mingling got started.

"Don't-", She groans whilst repelling a blow, "-make me repeat myself!" She growls at Plot.

"Alright alright don't get your plot armor in a twist!" He slides down the crater aptly named Luna's crater.

"Don't worry I will defend your plot, Plot, until you are finished!" She attempts to reassure him while focused on the staff of a mage.

Plot Armor suddenly jumps into Luna's tent with his spear. He lights a flame in her forge, and begins sweatily pounding away swiftly at his hot and heavy iron materials. He suddenly prematurely comes outside of her tent.

"I need some measurements!" Plot groans, galloping up onto Luna at a steep incline. Panting, he drops low to inspect her plot with his tools. Its proving a bit difficult with so many stallions and mares around pushing and pulling this way and that, but Plot manages to find a way!

Plot carefully slides down the moon's steep crater ring after inspecting Luna's plot. "I'll come back!" He swiftly re-enters her tent. He begins to pound away once more, whilst Luna thrusts atop the 'hill' her very rears in jeopardy. He drops his load into water to cool off, then looks upon his work proudly. He rushes outside of the tent and climbs Luna's crater once more, panting for air as he struggles against it carrying his massive load.

"Pardon me!" Plot slaps the plot armor onto Luna's plot to progress the plot. "I think you will like it, its double layered iron!"

"Aha! Now I do not need to hold back! Plot, defend the rear! I shall handle the front!" She leaps forth majestically causing both mares and stallions on the other side of her to release their hot steamy juices. Also known as blood. Luna becomes coated in said juices, it would seem she never tires the way she moves about is so enthralling. But as a thrall, Plot had best be moving to Luna's rear to defend it. He slides down her crater once more.

"You there! Whats the situation?" Reinforcements have arrived.

"I just protected Luna's rear now I need to defend her rear." Plot tries explaining the situation.

"Isn't protecting and defending the same thing?" He asks.

"Um, yes and no."

"Well what do you mean by it then?"

"I Plot Armor armored Luna's plot with my armor. Now she wants me in her rear to defend her rear."

"Ah alright, I best be reinforcing now."

"Take care!"

Plot looks up to the Queen of the Moon once more admiring his and her hoofy work before slapping himself to snap back to the task at hand. He begins at a trotting pace and works up to full gallop til he comes upon the rear.

"Whats the situation?" Plot inquires.

"Who's asking?" Says somepony who looks to be in charge.

"Plot, sir." Plot salutes thee.

"This isn't the time to be a smart ass." The general says.

"Smart Ass reporting we have a huge problem in the rear, they are trying to hole us up!"

"Damn it. We may die here. You should pray to Luna, it might just save our Plots and Asses."

"My brothers are in the rear as well?"

"Yes, Ass has a sister here and your three brothers are here. We are defending with everything we got."

"Alright thanks! Um, whats your sister's name if I may ask?" Plot turns to face Ass.

"Anna Lee." Thus sayeth the Smart Ass.

Plot just nods and reinforces with his brothers in arms and his brothers with arms.

"Sir Plotsalot!" The one with an evil mustache. "Sir Plottingham!" The bbbbff, best big beautiful brother friend forever. "Henry!" The adopted one, a human we found in a box and fed nothing but sugar cubes. He is fat pale and bald now and suffers from asthma, scurvy, dementia, cancer, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, and we don't know why. But he is great at beating up smaller ponies when he goes full retard.

"Hello Plot Armor, safe for now, as usual I take it?" Plotsalot. He also mutters something under his breath.

"Does anypony have something to eat?" Plottingham.

"Arghh gobbledegook I'll make mincemeat outta these guppies in no time! Lemme at em, lemme at em!" Henry.

"Henry, those aren't guppies, those are ponies trying to kill us... That's why we are in Luna's flank. Sometimes I really worry about that boy." The Plot brothers nod at Plottingham's remark.

"Enemy approaching!" Everypony hears a scout say, and they ready up.

"I pray to Luna we all make it out of her rear hole safe." They all nod and brace for attack.

The last pony standing atop the crater's edge, Luna worn and torn, coated in many fluids alike, many ponies gasping for air after getting their pipes railed by Luna's lance. She wanted them to choke in agony before finishing what had to be done. She wonder's how her rear is faring and turns to look behind.

Yes, her ass was well protected. Now she wonders how her rear is faring, and turns to look behind.

"Plot armor! You are alive!" She slides down the crater to more swiftly and in an energy conservation sorta way meet upon Plot, but she misjudged the distance for she got some fluids in her eyes previously, and crushes him with her plot armor!

"Plot Armor! Plot Armor! NOOOO!"

Later at the funeral.

"What a way to go."

"Yeah I would pay to get crushed by Luna's ass."

"Rest in peace."

"You might think somepony with that name would have a cutie mark for immortality or something."

"Its a shame Luna is really broken up about it. You see Henry consoling her? I think maybe those two are going to get together."

"No, with a human? Disgusting! That's bestiality! They can't consent you know! Just look at em, soulless and retarded."

"Wow that's rude! I never!"

Luna crying at his tombstone. Oops wrong tombstone, that's the Living Tombstone's tombstone. She trots a ways, then starts crying again. This time making sure her vision isn't so blurry with tears to misread it again. Celestia approaches her, Luna looks up, Celestia embraces her and she starts crying harder.

"II just. I just wish my plot armor, could've saved him too. I should've died, big sis, I would've died. Alicorn plot armor is real, I didn't believe you and I should have. I shouldn't have let Plot Armor come. Its my fault he died."

"Don't say that."

"But it is my fault!" Sniffles and tears streaming down her face.

"Doesn't matter that it is. You still shouldn't say it."

Luna cries more.

"H-he had 100 in smithing AND enchanting! He was the best stallion this side of the moon!"

"I know Luna, I know..." Celestia tears up too. "Because, he was also my lover!"

"Wahhhhh!" They both cry together.

The End.

Get it? Because end is also a word for rear. Hehe.