Prank War!

by Ashfur

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 69337

A crafty human and two alicorn princesses get into shenanigans together.

Nick has lived with the royal sisters since he appeared in Equestria with no way home three years ago. In that time he made friends and gained the trust and respect of most, if not all of Canterlot Castle. He even has access to the treasury and minor command over some staff, but only for one reason: pranks.

Nick is one of the few souls capable of matching Celestia and Luna in pranks, and has been semi-willingly inducted into their endless prank war. These are some of their memorable moments.

If you have any ideas, suggestions, or reminders that my writing is bad and I should feel bad, please put them here.

Published 2018-09-25 06:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-14 12:46:33 UTC

Medieval Pollock

"This is a dumb idea."

"Exactly, that's why we are doing this!"

The royal guard in Canterlot is among the best of the best. Boasting the best in discipline, loyalty, skill, and more, only the best of the best were allowed to join its ranks. For Lieutenant Sharp Eye of the night watch, patience, temperament and lack of sarcasm were not at royal guard levels. To the pegasus stallion's credit, though, it is difficult to be cheerful when one is one of two creatures pushing a trebuchet from the armory into the gardens.

"Her majesty is going to kill you if you mess with her flower arrangements this close to the zebrican ambassadors visiting," he warned.

His companion, the only human in the world, chuckled and ruffled Sharp's mane. "Don't be an idiot, Sharp. I wouldn't DARE mess with Celly's precious... whatever flowers these are. Worst I'll get out of this is the usual when they catch me. Now man up and help me push this thing!"

"I'm not a man."

"Pony up, then!"

It took another hour to get the siege weapon into position. Had any other creature been seen pushing a trebuchet up to the inner walls of the castle, they might have been arrested for high treason or worse. But Nick had a certain 'diplomatic immunity' when it came to the over-the-top pranks he and the diarchs often pulled on each other, so most staff either turned a blind eye or decided that other areas of the castle needed their attention more than the current location. Pushing up a cart full of bags and a chalkboard, Nick started making basic calculations in between loading the mystery bags into the trebuchet while Sharp stood lookout.

"Any pretty pony princesses come by?"

"Nick, I do night watch from the top of the north tower three days a week. If I can spot a robbery in the market from there in the dead of night, I THINK I could spot our benevolent rulers."

Nick snorted in jest, a habit picked up from his equine friends. "I prefer calling them 'above average horses', mainly because of how defensive you guys get."

Sharp frowned, but shook off the thoughts of that argument for a more pressing question. "So Nick, what exactly are you planning?"

Finishing setting a magic crystal to fire the trebuchet later, he smiled his trademark 'prank time' smile. "Oh, just imitating one of the greats."

4 hours later:

The sun peeked over the top of Canterlot mountain as it began its slow descent, and dozens of very high-class ponies gathered in the central courtyard of the castle for a very important event. Nick was among them, wearing a fine suit custom-made for him by a certain generous fashionista, and enjoying a glass of wine with his best friends, Celestia and Luna. All three seemed happy together, but a trained eye could tell all three had something planned, not that they let any clues slip.

After an hour of enjoying time together as friends, the diarchs stepped up to the podium located on one side of the courtyard to give a short speech. "My little ponies," Celestia began, "We are gathered here today to celebrate each and every one of you, the best artists, painters, and sculptors Canterlot has to offer. Of course, art is nothing without a subject and an audience, so some of Canterlot's elite have come to see all your hard work over the past year."

Luna stepped forward to continue. "Furthermore, we hath summoned a great artist to have the honor of painting our sister and ourself, so please welcome the otherworldly artist, Nicholas Abernathy!" Hooves stomped the ground in applause as a unicorn shone a magical spotlight on Nick, and a pair of guards escorted him to the stage. The sisters had comically wide grins as Nick was all but dragged to the stage, but those grins faltered as he left the guards behind and walked up to the easel and canvas without any prompting.

"So, you called me here to paint the two of you in a way only a human can, hm?" Nick asked, choosing to sport a comically fake French accent.

Celestia and luna began to sweat nervously at their prank victim's sudden confidence. As a psychology major, Nick could barely draw a straight line, let alone a Van Gogh level masterpiece! "Y-yes, we decided to have you come and paint us, as you are the best human artist we know and we thought showing the elite members of the local artistry guilds human culture would be a great opportunity for them to grow. It's not as if you are really a terrible painter and would be a laughingstock, right?" Celestia inquired, hoping to tease the human with his imminent humiliation.

Luna cut in, her voice echoing through the courtyard. "Enough stalling! Paint us!"

The sisters froze as Nick grinned. They knew in that moment that they were about to suffer. Nick simply raised his hand, holding a small crystal, and threw it to the ground, activating it.

"With pleasure."

On the other side of the courtyard walls, a trebuchet launched gallons of glow-in-the-dark pink paint at the center of the platform, drenching both the solar and lunar diarch. As everypony stood stock still while their brains rebooted from the shock, Nick bowed to the crowd. "Thank you, thank you! You are all too kind! The princesses have been painted. I live here, so I'll be here all week. Toodles!" With that, Nick dashed off, vaulting over the guards and sprinting through the first archway he reached. As he ran, cackling like a madman at his latest prank, he covered his ears and braced for the inevitable.

"NNNNNNIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!"

That night, after a long chase through the castle the tracked paint everywhere, Nick was given his usual comeuppance, as he predicted. "Any last words?" Celestia asked, her and Luna's coats still softly glowing as they held Nick in the air with magic.

"Yeah, you two look really nice. Did you do something with your fur?"

And with that, Equestria's only human was dropped from the balcony into the moat below, for the third time that month.

Author's Note

I couldnt sleep so have a short story about prank ideas and I guess I'll update it if I cant sleep again bye for now

Munched

Twilight Sparkle was one of, if not the best, in her field of expertise. As a princess of Equestria, there were many things she had seen in her time spent as Celestia's student. With her immense intelligence and countless lists, she could confidently say that she was prepared for anything. Then Nick arrived.

"So, I'm going to pretend that this is a normal occurrence. What are you two doing?" She asked, gazing upward.

Laying atop the grand chandelier of the Castle of friendship, Nick and Luna looked down at the purple princess before simultaneously replying, "Nothing."

Twilight sighed, putting a hoof to her forehead to stave off the headache she knew she would be getting from this. "Explain the ninja outfits then."

"Tis a precaution, Twilight Sparkle. Everypony knows wearing full ninja gear dramatically increases thine odds of remaining hidden," Luna explained.

"And you are in Ponyville... why?"

Suddenly, the ground shook, and in the distance a cry of inarticulate rage could be heard from Canterlot mountain. Trying to make himself as small as possible, Nick simply replied, "So we don't die for a few more hours."

The middle of the week was usually a slog for most ponies, but today was a great day for Celestia! The nobles hadn't been too pushy and demanding during day court, there were no major incidents threatening the safety of her little ponies, and there was only one last thing she had to do today before she was done for the day: observing the new banners being unfurled for the first time in the throne room. It wasn't an official event, but it never failed to make her smile at the hard work and coordination of her little ponies.

"Go ahead, I always enjoy this. And it's been so long since the last time. What is it now, five years? Here's hoping that these last just as long, and are just as interesting to look at!"

With a flourish, the maids released the ropes holding the banners closed, making all twenty one banners decorating the throne room visible in all their glory.

And the world stopped. For a moment, nothing was said. Nopony moved, or spoke, or even dared to breathe as they all stared in horror at the banners. Each one was supposed to bear a unique design from various artists, but instead they all bore the same image. Plastered across the throne room, in its larger than life glory, was a very familiar, incriminating image Celestia longed to forget, along with the caption,

Princess Celestia is a cake muncher!

Celestia screamed in rage. Back in ponyville, Nick turned to Luna. "So, I hear the crystal empire is nice this time of year."

"I agree, Nicholas. But I will be going alone. You stay here." Luna lit her horn to get a head start with teleportation, but a hand on her back startled her and let Nick get in another question.

"Why did you come along, anyway? I set those banners up."

Luna simply grinned and replied, "Thy prank, though fantastic, will be nothing compared to phase two. We think you might escape this time free of punishment." And in a blink of light, she was gone.

Back in Canterlot, Celestia was livid. "I don't care how many guards it takes! Find. Them. NOW!" Her guards saluted before scampering off. Celestia sighed, but it was one of quiet respect. She would have revenge, in due time, but she had to admire the ingenuity behind this prank. Hopefully the actual banners were stored somewhere else, otherwise this would cost a pretty bit to replace. Plans already formulating in her head, she moved to the nearest balcony and lowered the sun without any of the usual flair she put on for her public.

And her jaw dropped to the floor, for shining in the night sky was that same infuriating image, complete with caption, painted in starlight!

Back at castle friendship, Nick sipped his tea with Twilight while staring at the night sky. Rainbow dash was rolling around on the ground laughing. "So," Nick began, "I think I'm not getting tossed in the moat tonight." As he watched an angry white shooting star leave the castle and shoot towards them, he sipped his tea again. Celestia made the trip in record time, flying up to the three stargazers, her mane and tail ablaze.

"WHERE?" she demanded.

"Flew off towards the Crystal Empire. Want me to just go jump in the moat when I get back to the castle, save you the trouble, Cake Muncher?"

"I WILL DEAL WITH YOU LATER." And she was gone, flying at top speed.

"Welp, already gonna get soaked later, might as well go double or nothing. Hey Rainbow, wanna go raid Princess Cake Muncher's secret dessert stash?"

Rainbow simply smiled, and prepared to launch into the night sky. "I'll go get Pinkie."

Author's Note

So, who should be the victim next? Let me know, I have plenty of material.

On an unrelated note, I am now hungry. That's what I get for writing about food on an empty stomach...

Nick the Dwagon Rider

"There's a dragon at the castle? For real? You don't just mean spike, right? Right?" Nick hopped around excitedly, a huge grin on his face.

Celestia smiled her usual, warm smile. "Yes, a dwagon is waiting in the courtyard. Would you like to ride it, like some of those human novels you told us about?" Nick nodded so fast it seemed as though he was trying to become a bobblehead.

"Boy, would I! This is gonna be great!"

Luna chose this moment to chime into the conversation. "Before thou begin, Nicholas, thou must understand that this is a dwagon with a powerful enchantment. Only the worthy can ride it. But here, place these special goggles on thy head, so that thou might soar atop it safely." With no prompting, Nick took the goggles and put them on, only looking slightly ridiculous. But he didn't care, he was going to ride a friggin' dragon! With speed that could match the best Olympic sprinters, he dashed out towards the courtyard with no hesitation.

There it was. Nick saw a reptile the size of a small car laying in the courtyard, brilliant white scales shimmering in the afternoon sun. A saddle rested on it's back, and it turned to Nick with an expectant look on its face.

He very nearly bolted across to his prize, but was held steady by his alicorn friends. "Hold on, Nick," Celestia began, "You have to be very careful with this dwagon. We will need to lift you on ourselves." She levitated Nick into the saddle, and helped him get secure. "You must also understand that this dwagon is going to the eastern quarter of the city for a brief patrol, and you are merely a passenger, not the one in control. Do you still want to go?"

Nick didn't respond with words, just shaking in pure excitement as he got to live an experience that most humans can only dream of. Luna chimed in. "Then be off, and have a safe journey! And do be careful, we would loathe to see thee hurt by falling off the dwagon, Nicholas!"

"This is the greatest day of my life!"

The route was slow, but Nick couldn't help but smile. As his ride stopped at every house, not even bothering to take off into the air, Nick would occasionally shout hello to passersby while thinking of how generous and kind his friends were. He was living the dream, and it felt too good to be true!

Then, without warning, he got an itch in his eye. Deciding it would be alright to not heed Celestia's advice on his new goggles for just a moment, he took them off to rub his eyes free of any dust. And that is the moment the facade fell.

Without his goggles projecting an illusion into his eyes and ears, he now saw what his 'dragon' really was. In reality, it truly was a dwagon, better known as a Delivey Wagon.

Or as most humans would call it, the mail truck.

Nick's eye twitched as he realized all the strange stares of shock he had been getting along his route were not of awe and admiration, and that he had spent the last hour and a half sitting atop a glorified mail truck screaming that this was the happiest day of his life. In short, he looked like a complete and utter fool, and somepony was gonna pay.

"Uh-oh," one of the two delivery ponies pulling the D-wagon squeaked out. "He took off the enchanted goggles. He can see us now. What do we do, First Class?"

The other began to visibly sweat, trying to draw on some mystical force to resummon the illusion of a dragon through sheer will. Alas, the Earth pony could not. "I don't suppose you would let me and my partner here go? W-we were ordered by the princesses not to tell you what was going on..."

Nick furrowed his brow, glaring at the pony for any hint of a lie. Finding none, he sighed. "Fine, fine. I suppose I can't get mad at you for obeying a royal order. You there, pegasus. Help me down and I'll call us even." The other mailpony pulling the D-wagon looked up at him... and also sideways at a tree, and nodded.

"Sure thing, sir! And just call me Derpy!" The gray pegasus mare flew up and helped Nick off the vehicle, before handing him a small stack of embarrasing photos of him riding atop the 'mighty beast'. "Oh, and since you're heading back to the castle, could you maybe deliver these to the princesses for us? They wanted as many as the camera would print!" She gestured to a camera mounted on the front of the D-wagon's roof, pointed straight at where Nick had been sitting. Nick simply took the photos and patted the wall-eyed mare on the head.

"Don't worry about a thing, miss Derpy. I will personally deliver these to the princesses. You have a safe rest of your delivery route, you adorable little thing, you."

He walked off towards the castle, plotting his revenge. That night, he delivered the photos as promised. But not in one piece, mind you: they made lovely confetti after being shredded and doused with glue, and Nick thought the royal sisters looked lovely with all that confetti stuck to their well-groomed coats.

Author's Note

Autocorecc dis, yoo dum compewter.

This prank's secret victim is... all of you, for thinking I didn't check my spelling! Gotcha!

Chapter Chapter

"Sister! We have received thy urgent summons. The messenger said we are in danger?" Luna was clearly winded from galloping all the way from her tower to the secret, fortified meeting room at the castle's center.

"Ah, Luna. I am glad you made it here safely. However," Nick began, sitting at the table with Celestia. He wore a black suit and tie, and a pair of sunglasses as well. "But Celestia and Luna won't be leaving this room."

Luna glared at Nick, anger clearly visible her face.
"Nicholas Abernathy, thou will explain thyself at once! Art thou threatening us?"

"No, but someone else has," interrupted Celestia. "We received a threat this morning in the mail claiming potential harm to one of both of us, so I requested Nick to help us out."

Celestia gestured to her human friend, who nodded and began to explain. "Alright, here's the situation. Late last night a letter was delivered that threatened the ponies known as Celestia and Luna. At some point during the next seven days, and I quote, 'a pony bearing one of those two names will suffer.' We cannot let this come to pass."

Luna gasped. "This is not good! I suppose you have a solution, Nicholas? It would be beneficial if we were not attacked this week."

Nick shrugged. "As if next week would be any better for us to be attacked? Regardless," he continued, taking on a more serious posture, "The solution is simple. The letter explicitly states that a pony with the name Celestia or Luna will suffer. So, for the rest of the week, we need to change your names!"

Celestia nodded. Luna's jaw dropped in shock at the simple yet elegant solution. Nick pulled out a list and kept talking. "So, I have a list of completely randomly assigned names here. No bias or anything. Oh geez, I've always wanted to say this..."

Nick leaned up against a mantelpiece and spoke with authority. "For security purposes, your names must now be changed daily. Today, the staff will refer to you as..."

A very irate midnight-blue alicorn walked down the halls, a very large scowl on her face. The guards to her left and right bowed respectfully, suppressing snickers and giggles. One was about to speak up, but an alabaster alicorn approaching stopped any chance of that. "Hello, my fellow princess. I was just about to go lower the sun. How are you?"

The lunar diarch sighed. "Hello, sister."

"Use my name, Princess Loopy Frou-Frou."

Luna growled in anger. "Hello, Best Princess," she replied, venom dripping from her voice.

Celestia chuckled. "Are you still upset about this whole name changing precaution we have going? Today is the last day of it."

"What I am upset about," Luna griped, "is how you got all the cool names and I get stuck with the entire castle staff calling me Princess Loopy Frou-Frou!" Indeed, it had been a bad week for Luna. From day one until now, she had been saddled with ridiculous names from Nick's 'unbiased draw', while Celestia got names that either fit her perfectly or were some form of compliment.

Over the past six days, Celestia had taken up the names of Kindhearted Ruler, Shimmering Mane, Daylight Hope, Clear Skies, Blessed Hope, and now, much to Luna's chagrin, Best Princess. Luna, on the other hand, continued to get the short end of the stick. It started innocently enough, with her being made to take up the name 'Princess Princess' the first day, but the temporary names got progressively worse as the week progressed. Fuzzy-Wuzzy Lumpelkins followed suit, succeeded by Moony McMooncheeks XVII, #UltraButt and XxJagerbomb420xX. And now Princess Loopy Frou-Frou.

"Let's just get this over with. Maybe you'll get the dumb name this time."

Inside the briefing room, Nick leaned against the mantelpiece as he had the past six days. "Good evening, ladies. Ready to get started?"

"Actually Nicholas," Luna began, "I was wondering if you could perhaps swap mine and my sister's assigned names for tomorrow. Perhaps..." she thought of an excuse, hoping to get the good name for the last day of this suffering. "Perhaps our assailant has gotten word of this, and still knows who to make suffer?"

Nick grinned. "Believe me, I know who my targets are." Winking, he added, "Having fun, my dear double agent?"

Luna's eye twitched. Celestia replied, "Oh, loads of fun! We should do this more often."

"I would be delighted to. Luna, Celestia, for security reasons, I am afraid your names must be changed daily one last time. Celestia, today we shall refer to you as Prank Master. And Luna, today we shall refer to you as..." A silence descended upon the room as Nick pulled out a long sheet of paper. Celestia tried to hold back from guffawing. Both of Luna's eyes twitched.

"... Zibble-Wibble, Oops! In My Kibble, Walla-Walla-Walla-Walla the Third!"

As the moon set, the lunar princess held Nick high above the moat, ready for a well-earned dunk. "Any last words?"

Nick scoffed. "On my honor, I will have my revenge, Zibble-Wibble, Oops! In My Kibble, Walla-Wallaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....."

Hearing a satisfying splash, Luna turned and trotted back inside. "Next time, pick a shorter name."

Author's Note

I can't take credit for this prank! It's from one of my childhood guilty pleasures, the cartoon known as The Secret Show! The commander had his name changed daily "For security reasons", and the running joke was the name was always ridiculous. Here, have a look:

https://youtu.be/oAw1XATpAHY

Munched 2: Chromatic Munchaloo

The kitchens of Canterlot Castle were among the best in the world in every aspect. Cutting-edge, top of the line appliances, five star chefs, and only the freshest ingredients found their place in, as Nick so eloquently called it, the Nom-nom room.

But there is a section of the kitchen few dare to tread, a special fridge that any of the chefs could add to, but only ponies with Celestia's express permission could take from. Coveted by many, the Royal Cake Vaulttm was kept under lock and key. Nick had made many, many, many attempts at its contents in the past, but never one like this. In the dead of night, the shadows his only friend, he struck.

As Nick left the kitchens, all the lights switched on and he was left staring at a VERY peeved Celestia. The heat growing in the room was very noticeable as embers wafted off of the solar princess's mane. "Put it back."

Nick threw his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. I know when I'm beat. I will take this small cake and put it back in the fridge. You sure I can't have just one slice?"

"No. Have the chefs make you one if you are that desperate. But don't take my cakes."

Nick reopened the fridge and knelt down to replace the treat. "Alright. Just let me move this one so I can..."

It happened so fast Celestia didn't have time to react completely. In one swift, practiced motion, Nick first grabbed one of the smallest cakes in the fridge, and tossed it over his shoulder. Then, he gave the cake he was holding a nice, long lick before putting it back un the fridge and running away, cackling maniacally.

Barely catching the cake in her magic, Celestia let out a loud sigh. "I suppose he can have that one, at least. Nopony wants a treat after it's been licked. I swear, that human... sometimes I wonder just how much thought he puts into those attempted cake abductions. This one almost felt like he was TRYING to get caught!" And with her thoughts laid bare, she gobbled up the dessert in her magic in a single bite.

Suddenly, her eyes went wide in realization. "Oh, ponyfeathers."

The elements of Harmony are in a panic! Rarity is laid back on the couch, crying about how she will need to recolor her whole sunshine collection. Applejack and Rainbow Dash are debating over who is going to punch whoever is responsible first. Fluttershy was cowering in the corner, and Twilight was running experiments to see if the local plant life will be affected by the current situation.

Pinkie Pie was doing something with a bucket, 17 rubber chickens, and twine, but that's just Pinkie being Pinkie.

All heads turned to the map room doors as they swung open, the planet's only human illuminated in the morning sun's Ray's. Nick stepped into the map room, a notebook in his hand. "Sparky and company, good morning! I have a scientific theory I need testing, and it relates to our current... minor predicament."

Twilight flew right up in Nick's face, fury evident on her features. "Minor predicament. MINOR PREDICAMENT?! YOU CALL THIS MINOR?"

"Compared to Starlight nearly destroying time, Cozy nearly deleting all magic, the Storm King fiasco, and Tirek trying to kill everything, not even counting the adventures you had before I arrived in Equestria? Yeah, this is minor."

"THE SUN IS GREEN!"

"I believe the term is 'environmentally friendly', Sparky." He booped the fuming alicorn on the snout. "Besides, green light doesn't really make the world look TOO different, doesn't it? I doubt anyone's noticed."

Twilight paused. "...you did this, didn't you? Fix it. Now."

Nick took a step back in fear. "Okay, okay! I didn't expect this to happen, but, like I said, I have a theory. I think Celestia is an extension of the sun, or something. Because otherwise there's no way what I did to Celly would have had any effect on that giant fireball."

Twilight's interest was peaked, now. She put a hoof to her chin in deep thought. "It is true that such a theory has been passed around, but nopony has ever proven it, not even the princesses. If there is a connection between Celestia and the sun, as well as Luna and the moon, anything done to them could have an effect on the other. If we could prove that, we'd be in every scientific journal, ever. What makes you think you have proof?"

Nick sheepishly grinned. "Uh, I have my reasonings. On a completely unrelated note, Celestia sent me down here get a poision joke cure...?"

"You didn't."

"Spiked one of her cakes with the stuff. Didn't expect the sun to go green."

"You and your stupid pranks just opened more scientific possibilities than 100 years of research has."

"Just get the cure."

"Fine," Twilight sighed. "I'll contact Zecora. But you know, Nick, one experiment doesn't prove a hypothesis. You think you could pull the same stunt on Luna if I helped you sneak around more easily with magic?"

Nick did a double take, unable to process what his purple pony pal just said. "Wait, you want to HELP with a prank? You, the one pony who follows every rule and protocol ever written? That only happens once in a blue moon!"

"Exactly!" Twilight beamed. "A blue moon is exactly what I hope to make!"

The great bit hunt

Lieutenant Sharp Eye flew alongside Nick as he sprinted across Ponyville. Nick couldn't help but feel that this was more than it seemed, but pranks were the last thing on his mind.

"Why did you even bring it to Ponyville in the first place? I know how you keep it under lock and key, normally."

"Twilight asked to see them, figure out if they were worth anything!" He slowed down to catch his breath. "I swear, the one time I show off..."

Everypony, and every human, has that one thing they collect for no apparent reason. Knick-knacks and odds n' ends that others see as strange to keep. Nick, for instance, hoards commemorative coins like a dragon. Any bit that comes his way with a special design goes right into his special bit bag. And Twilight, in all her genius, had lost it somewhere in ponyville.

"I'm so sorry!" She had wailed when Nick came to pick his collection up. "I misplaced it yesterday. And I can't help look right now, since me and the girls are needed in Canterlot urgently! I'm sure they will turn up eventually. Why not look around the castle and the surrounding area? It can't be too far away." This began a mad dash across the small town, human and guard racing to find the collection before anypony else could.

Alas, all was for naught, and the duo had to take the last train home to Canterlot Castle. Nick was upset, but knowing how situations like this tended to end in a musical number, a friendship lesson, and everything being set right, he held onto hope that his collection would turn up eventually. Until something caught his eye, glittering on the floor of the Canterlot train station as they disembarked.

Nick bent down to pick it up on the nearly empty platform. A bit, a single shiny bit. More specifically, one of the commemorative bits released to celebrate the Summer Sun Celebration. And there was another on the steps leading off the platform, and an Elements of Harmony coin further down the street. It took a moment for it all to click in the heads of the human/pony duo.

"They're baiting me. Somepony took my collection and is friggin' leaving me a trail. I swear, of all the days for this to happen, why today? I've wasted most of the day, and it's a special day..." Nick lamented.

"Cheer up Nick. At least we found the trail. Come on, I'll keep watch, you get as many as you can!"

Several things became obvious fast. First and foremost, the trail was laid deliberately, with Nick in mind. Not only was each coin clearly visible from the previous one's location, the coins were laid out in chronological order, like a timeline. Second, the sisters were clearly behind this, as he caught glimpses of guards watching the coins to ensure he found them, and the trail led him down several empty streets on the way to Canterlot Castle.

Finally reaching the Castle gates, Nick and Sharp found his bit bag parked right in front of the dining room doors. Picking it up, he found everything in order once the coins from the trail were added. Not noticing Sharp Eye slipping away, he pushed the doors into the moonlit room open, readying his triad against the royals. "Alright, you two, way too far. You do not mess with my colle-"

"Surprise! Happy Birthday, Nick!"

The lights all came on at once, revealing all of Nick's friends among the castle staff, the royal sisters, and the elements of harmony gathered around a large cake and countless party decorations. Twilight stepped forward.

"Sorry about having to lie to you there, but we couldn't think of a better way to keep you busy all day! I hope this makes up for it." She floated a bit bag into Nick's grasp, and upon opening it, he found his own face smiling back at him. Engraved on each coin in the bag: "Lord Nicholas Abernathy of Canterlot".

"Lord of Canterlot?" Nick's voice quavered.

"Yes, my sister and I saw fit to bestow upon thee that title, officially inducting thee into the nobility. And one of the few we do not mind being around.
It should help you bypass some laws to pull off even better pranks, " Luna explained. "And those bits are the only ones in the world of their kind. We have prepared a certificate of authenticity to verify them as valid currency as well. Take care of them, NichoLAS!" Luna was startled as Nick leapt forward and embraced his friend in a hug, which all the other ponies present quickly joined. Looking around at his friends, no, his family, and all the gifts they brought, he realized just how appreciated he was among those who knew him. Mainly for the polite, kind personality he showed to his friends when they needed it, and also how much fun he allowed the royal sisters to have with their prank war. He smiled.

"Eh, I suppose I can let that prank slide, this one time. But for now, LET'S PARTY!"

Author's Note

It's my birthday on the day I posted this! I turned 22, so what better way to celebrate than having a party in the story, too?

Nick and I are the same here. I obsessively collect Bicentennial coins, mostly quarters.

Drive by

"This cannot be safe, Nick. I have lived for thousands for years, and I have seen this level of stupidity only a few times."

"That's why we put a seat belt in, Celestia."

"Just promise me you'll go slow and only drive it on Castle grounds for now."

"Who said I was driving? I have a volunteer. Twilight's gonna use a spell to let me see through the front of the vehichle, and I'll drive remotely."

"I still don't see how this is safe." Celestia looked over the contraption with uncertainty. While Nick was pretty good at constructing wacky devices with Twilight's help, and Nick wouldn't be riding it... "I get your idea of a 'car', but was it entirely necessary to strap wheels to a bathtub?"

"Yes, if the name alone made it necessary," Nick replied, putting the finishing touches on the logo of the Bathmobiletm.

Twilight smiled as she filled the tub with water. "Just think of how much time this will save, bathing on the go! Nick has a good idea going here."

"Fine. At least tell me who your volunteer is."

Nick smirked. "Oh, he'll be here shortly. He doesn't know he's volunteering, but I am sure he will be thrilled." Putting a hand to his ear, he listened to the approaching voice in the hallway. "Here he comes now!"

"Out of my way, peasant! You're lucky I dont have you fired for that! Ah, there it is. Ape! You have some explaining to do!" A rather irate unicorn stormed into the room, easily identifiable by his white coat, blond mane, chiseled jaw, and insufferable attiude.

Nick stood up and took a step back, feigning surprise. "Prince Blueblood? My apologies, your majesty, but I am unsure of what you mean." He sat down cross-legged on the floor to be at eye level with the prince, knowing he hated the height difference.

"You know full well what you did, ape." Holding up a single hoof, he pointed at his chin, where upon very close inspection one could see a tiny, almost unnoticeable splotch of juice. "This is the result of one of your outrageous pranks, switching my goblet with those accursed dribble glasses of yours. I have a meeting with auntie Luna and that fashionable element bearer, Clarity, in twenty minutes, and I need to bathe all over again to look my best!"

Smiling, Nick stood up and gestured to his vehicle. "Well then, you are in luck! I just so happen to have been building this contraption, and it might just solve all your problems! This Bathmobiletm is designed to carry anypony anywhere in comfort and style, while getting them clean to boot! How about I drive you there remotely with this, and you can be perfectly clean and presentable when you meet Rarity. I heard she was very excited to see you again."

Yesterday

"Hey Rarity, can you meet with Blueblood tomorrow?"

"Absolutely not."

"I'm pranking him, you're gonna have front row seats."

"Please, allow a lady to finish speaking, Nicholas. Absolutely not... is what a fool would say."

"Hmph! Fine, but we will be discussing this further, ape. You have no right to go romping around the castle just because my aunts and all the peasant staff like you." Getting into the tub, he picked up the provided bath bomb Twilight floated to him and dropped it in the water, turning it a bubbling blue. "Ah, a bubble bath! Perhaps I will permit you to go unpunished this one time, IF you get me to my meeting in a timely manner."

"Will do, your majesty." With a flourish and a press of the controls, Blueblood was off, already scrubbing at his chin to remove the smudge. Nick hoof bumped Twilight while making sure the contraption stayed on course.

"How'd you convince him that was such a good idea? Not that I'm against him learning some humility," Celestia inquired.

"Mixed some of Applejack's super salty cider in with his grape juice. She hides the salty taste so well he probably doesn't even know he's slightly inebriated. Want me to 'accidentally' drive this thing down the stairs and into the courtyard? It's not the original plan, but I'll change it for ya if you want, Celly."

"This is fine."

Blueblood rolled down the hallways in Nick's bathmobile, happy as a clam. He chuckled at the peasant staff pointing at him and covering their smiles with their hooves, knowing they were simply in awe and jealous of his new and innovative way to clean on the go and cut preparation time in half! Dipping his head under the fizzing blue water one last time to rinse off, the odd contraption entered the conference room where Rarity and Luna waited.

To the two ponies waiting for Blueblood, only Rarity knew he was to suffer a prank, but she certainly was not expecting her hated royal 'friend' to roll through the door. In a bathtub. Smelling of salt. And clearly pleased with himself.

Luna recovered first as the vehicle approached, stifling a chuckle. "Hello nephew, how art thou this fine evening?"

"Oh, wonderful, auntie! Nick provided this grand method of bathing on the way to my meetings, so that I do not have to spend time in my room preparing when I could be attending events instead. Look!"

Luna stepped closer to examine the Bathmobiletm. As soon as she was in range, hidden spring placed on the rear axle of the mobile tub catapulted one inebriated pony and 80 gallons of blue bathwater onto her. As Rarity fell over laughing at Blueblood, still perfectly dry, a dripping wet, angry pair of ponies stood up and had only one thing to say.

"Nicholas!" "Ape!"

"So I hear Saddle Arabia is nice this time of year," Nick stated. "Twilight, thanks for the help. The rest is in your hooves." And with speed rivaling a wonderbolt, he was gone.

"The rest?" Pondered the Solar diarch.

"Yes! You really think I'd help Nick prank for no reason?" Pulling out a clipboard, she trotted off towards the meeting room. "It's time for SCIENCE!"

Author's Note

Wait a minute... BULE bathwater? A bath bomb that neither Nick nor Twilight wanted to touch?

Looks like you're all getting your wish next chapter, because that prank was no joke. It was POISION joke!

Credit to the webtoon "Eddsworld" for the Bathmobiletm.

Once in a blue moon

"We are going to kill him."

"Luna..."

"Blueblood will also sit in the dungeons for a year or two for his indiscretion."

"Don't act like you didn't want him to stop crying and complaining."

"Sister, thou will tell us where Nicholas is hiding."

"I think it kinda looks nice like that..."

"Sister, if you try to convince us that our moon looks better in blue, we will make you wish Nightmare Moon was back."

Princess Luna was NOT happy. She had woken up feeling slightly off, and still fuming over Nick's prank the day before, but she decided to put those feeling aside and raise the moon. Unfortunately for her, a certain purple pony princess had a correct hypothesis, and the kingdom was bathed in blue light from her now-colored moon.

Storming out of her bedroom in rage, having put 2 and 2 together and realizing Nick and poision joke were the likely cause after last month's 'green sun' incident, Luna made her way to the royal bathhouse to have the antidote prepared. But there was a problem.

"I'm so sorry, your highness," began the spamare. "Prince Blueblood requisitioned all of our antidote to run a bath in the communal bath, and he just left. C-could I interest you in a hooficure instead?" She hesitantly inquired.

Catching up to Blueblood was no easy feat with the nobles constantly bombarding her with questions about her part of the sky's new paint job. Several scientist ponies even warned her about blue light potentially causing insomnia in some ponies, which only spurred her anger on further. Just when she thought it had reached a fever pitch and could not climb any higher, she caught her nephew and demanded to know why he took all the antidote for himself. His answer nearly earned him a trip to her miscolored space rock.

"Oh, aunite, it was dreadful! After that Blarity pony laughed at me, I cleaned up and went to bed. But I learned that the bath was full of poision joke, and it... it had the most HORRIFYING effect! I had to take all the antidote the ensure it would stay away for good." Upon Luna's inquiry as to what the poision joke did to him that was so horrific, he replied, "Oh, it was terrible! I had a single... a... A SPLIT END IN MY MANE!"

Luna promptly tossed the royal brat in the dumpster to give him more to worry about than a split end, and went to find Celestia, which brings us to right now.

"We will ask thee one more time, Celestia. Where is he?"

Celestia sighed. "Fine, he fled to ponyville with Twilight late last night. She wanted to speak with you about the current effects the poision joke is having on you, for some research project she is up to. From what I understand, she has the only antidote in Ponyville and Canterlot, and it will take a month to make more. You had better hurry before Blueblood decides he needs a second detox."

"Thanks again, Luna! This data will prove invaluable to my research into magical disabilities and curses. I will go get the antidote, don't you worry." After Luna learned that Twilight had been bribed into this prank through the promise of scientific data and two first-edition signed biographies of Starswirl the bearded and Clover the Clever, Luna could not get angry at Twilight Sparkle. Clever as always, Nick made sure to keep the fallout from his pranks directed at him, mainly because he knew the royal sisters would never permanently harm him. Still, she became irritated as Twilight took longer than normal, and worried when she started hearing the purple princess's lab being torn apart.

"Twilight, what is the matter? Art thou hurt?" Luna cried out as she barged into the room.

"It's gone! The antidote was here, and now it's gone! All I found was some paper that-" she gasped as Luna nearly ripped the paper in question out of her magic. Written on it were the words,

"I.O.U. one antidote. -Nick"

Luna nearly collapsed to the floor as she lamented the situation. "Why would Nicholas do this? A prank is a prank, to be sure, but we cannot leave our moon blue for a month! And yet he takes the only antidote in Ponyville and Canterlot anyway. Why?"

Twilight thought for a minute, then realized something. "It's not like him to pull a prank he can't undo at a moment's notice. What about the antidote stash in the everfree?"

"The what?"

"To help a friend gives me much pleasure, especially the princess whose night I do treasure," Zecora answered upon learning of Luna's predicament. Luna had been shocked to learn of a zebra apothecary living in the everfree forest, but had quickly grown to like the rhyming shaman. Potionmakers at Zecora's level of skill were rare in the time before Luna's banishment, and were so unheard of today she had thought it was a lost art. Instead, as she soaked in the antidote and watched the color drain from her moon, she had met a new friend. As she got out of the bath and bid her new friend farewell, Zecora produced a gift and spoke once more.

"Nick was here, saying your spirits need a lift, so he left with me, for you, a gift."

"A new friend, and an apology gift. Perhaps dear Nicholas will not be spending the night on the moon after all." As she opened the lid, a massive banana cream pie launched out and ruined her coat and mane. Fuming mad once more, she scowled towards Caterlot, where she bet Nick was hiding. "He will instead be spending the whole week on the moon!"

Author's Note

Who says you gotta be physically there to pull a prank? Not me.

Munch3d: This time it's munchsonal

Munch3d: This time it's munchsonal

Late night at Canterlot Castle, and an intruder has infiltrated the building. Well, more along the lines of 'hid in the broom closet and put on a ninja costume', but the epitome of stealth was on the hunt, silent as could be.

*Crash* "Sonofa-" Nick the shadow warrior ducked behind a tapestry as two guards trotted over to investigate the noise resulting from the vase he totally didn't just knock over. It was wobbly beforehand, he swore. Slipping away, he made his way towards his target: the kitchens.

Opening the door, his mood sank instantly. Deployed throughout the room were various high-ranking guards armed with every nonlethal weapon he could think of. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Cursing under his breath at the upped security, Nick quietly surveyed the area. There wasnt much chance of him sneaking through, but maybe if he decided to pull some tricks out of the spy movies he'd seen...

As Nick quickly discovered, the guards were not too smart. Then again, with how many times a major villain attacked, he wasn't too surprised. That, and clearly they needed video games, because Nick was channeling Solid Snake as he slowly shuffled across the kitchen, bit by bit, under the best stealth device imaginable: a cardboard box.

The guards, knowing full well Nick was there, stifled their giggles. Celestia had ordered them to 'guard' the cake stash, but to let whatever asinine plot Nick came up with to work. It was payback time after all, and revenge is so much sweeter when the victim thinks they have the upper hand.

Ditching the box as he reached the storage room with Celestia's cake stash, Nick eagerly pulled the door shut and looked around at all the delicious goodies. He had a different plan this time. Every time he tried to sneak a cake to his room, Celestia caught him. It was as though she knew when he touched the cakes. So this time, he wouldn't be taking them out of the room and eating them later; he would instead eat them here and now! Yanking out a fork and knife from his pocket, he took a mighty leap and dove into the nearest cake display.

And then the illusion promptly faded, forcing Nick to face plant into the wall at high speed. Shaking himself off, Nick had only one thing on his mind.

"That sneaky little princess. I'm gonna get those cakes one day." A quick check of the room revealed that every cake was a magical illusion, each one another reminder that once again he failed to steal even a single morsel of Celestia's cakes. "Greedy pony princess..." he muttered, not even bothering to sneak back out. The guards certainly weren't quiet either, laughing about his 'amazing stealth skills'.

Sulking back to his room, Nick opened the door to find a pleasant surprise! A large double-decker cake was situated on the table, expertly made and decorated in a way Nick couldn't help but marvel at. In icing, on the top, was written: "Happy 50th failed cake raid! -Celestia"

"Oh she is so gonna get it tomorrow. But first..." pulling out the utensils once more, Nick took one final look at the cake before deciding that if Celestia made him a cake, he should eat it like she does. Throwing formalities out the window, he lunged forward and took a massive bite out of the dessert.

And the cake exploded in his face. More specifically, there was never a cake at all, just a large balloon coated in icing. Sitting up and wiping his face clean, Nick laughed hysterically.

"Alright, Celestia! You win this round, but at least I still get my icing! Joke's on you!" Gathering up a huge dollop of icing, he jammed it all in his mouth at once.

As Nick took the first taste of wasabi 'icing' his screams could be heard across the castle.

Author's Note

A slightly shorter chapter because I'm tired and not feeling well. I think I'm getting a cold. :raritydespair:

The house always pranks

Luna levitated three bits off the table, leaving 4 behind. A hand reached over and took three more. Luna responded by flipping the table away in anger.

"How exactly art thou doing that? Thou art rigging the game, we know you are." Nick grinned and accepted the bits as she hoofed them over, adding more to his total.

"Well, you could just quit now. You've only lost... 1000 bits now. Honestly I'm shocked you kept it up this long."

The lunar alicorn floated the table back into place, and magiced another 25 bits on the table. "Again. And reexplain the rules, maybe we missed something."

"Fine, fine. Twenty-five bits on the table. We take turns, and on each turn we can pick up one, two, or three bits. Whoever picks up the last bit loses," Nick explained. "I win, I get your 25 bits. You win, I give you 100 bits. Simple. Now, you go first."

Luna huffed indignantly and swiped two bits off the table. She had tried every combination, but it just wasn't working. Three, then two, then three again? A series of ones? Nothing but threes? Failures, every one of them, and while the royal treasury would not even notice the thousand bits she had lost, her pride certainly did.

"You know, Luna, there is a trick to this. If you really want to, I could tell you."

"We refuse to be mocked in such a manner. We will find the secret on our own power, or die trying."

"Isn't that a tad extreme?"

"No."

Nick shrugged. He'd been running this little carnival game for Luna for over an hour now, with 40 wins in a row under his belt. Frankly, it was sad to watch. Sighing, he stood up. "That's enough for now, Luna. I need to get to bed. Sweet dreams."

"Oh, we will ensure thou has sweet dreams, Nicholas. We would never deny that to a friend."

Nick dreamed of a nice, calm ocean that night. He floated on a small raft, lounging back and enjoying the peaceful sounds. The seagulls flying overhead. The waves lapping at the sides of the raft. Luna setting up a table. Wait, what?!

"Luna? What are you doing in my dream? I thought you had to go look for nightmares!" Nick scrambled to his feet, eyeing his friend suspiciously.

"Normally we would be, but we have buisness to attend to! Come, let us play another round. I think I will win this time for sure!"

"Ugh, maybe I'll just let you win."

"Do that and we will toss thee in the water and break this raft. Thou can still experience terror in a dream, even if 'tis just an illusion."

"Changed my mind! Let's get started."

The next morning, Nick woke up with a large pile of bits at the foot of his bed, and a note reading "Thou art the absolute worst. But we will find the solution by taking this game to Twilight and challenging her! Surely with our experience against you, she will lose. -Luna".

"Oh boy... if anyone, er, anypony can figure out the trick, it's Sparky. I just hope Luna doesn't get too upset when..."

"How in the #$@%#$!?"

"...nevermind, I can hear her from here. Guess Sparky figured it out fast." He paused for a second. "Wait, if Sparky figured it out, she'd tell Luna. Crud. I'm dead, aren't I?"

There was a deep blue flash of teleportation behind him. "It would be wise for thou to start running, yes."

"I'll just... go jump in the moat myself, save you the trouble of tossing me in there."

"Good. Thy punishment would have been more severe, but now that we know thy secret we can finally one-up our dear sister at a game! We are so excited."

"Well, have fun. If you use the trick right..." she whispered it into his ear. "Yup. If you do that, you'll win every time, guaranteed. Have fun pranking Celly."

And with that, Nick changed into his bathing suit and went swimming in the moat.

"Ah, what nice water temperature today. I could stay here a while."

"How even?! We did everything right!
NICHOLAS!"

"Or not. I better start running!"

Author's Note

Of course Celestia would manage to trick her way out of a no-win scenario. Such a troll.:trollestia:

For those curious, the trick to winning is to always go second, and take the same number of coins your opponent does each turn until you can leave one coin left. Just don't go swindling anypony, alright? I'm trusting you all.

The subtle things

Celestia woke up, raised the sun, and put on her royal finery, as she did every day. She had a court to run, papers to sign, meetings to attend, and of course, cake to eat. So, she trotted out of her room with a smile on har face, greeted her guards, and went on her merry way.

It took all of three steps for her to run facefirst into the spiderweb. This resulted in her shaking her head, staggering backwards, sneezing, and falling flat on her rump in front of her guards and a few maids. The former were clearly trying to suppress giggles at her antics, while the latter looked horrified that they missed a spot while cleaning. Still, she reassured them and soldiered on, knowing that the day couldn't get any worse than that start.

So, she went to day court. The proposals ranged from mundane to asinine, with little variety. Nobles bickered, she would let her decision be known, and that was that. Then she went to go get lunch, as she needed her nom noms to keep the sun moving and the kingdom running smooth. Except her cushion decided to come with her.

"Oh, really funny," she chided to nopony in particular. "When I find out which of those two did this, I'm gonna get back at them so fast..." Still, she managed to get rid of the cushion in a simple manner: set it on fire. When naught but ash remained, she ordered a replacement cushion be acquired and left. Thank goodness she was immune to flames.

So, she went and sat for lunch, which thankfully passed without incident. With some spare time before court restarted, she went to go admire the castle gardens, as the falling leaves made for a beautiful scene. The surprise activation of the sprinkler system, however, detracted from the natural beauty and also served to soak the poor princess. Now beginning to get slightly miffed, she dried off and headed back to day court. After all, things couldn't get any worse, right?

Day court resumed, and Celestia couldn't focus. The proposals for new laws came, but they were in a haze to her, and it was all because of this blasted cushion! Something was wrong with it. She couldn't tell what, but she was simply incapable of getting comfortable on it. So, as the nobles droned on about zoning laws and the economy, Princess Celestia Solaire, moved of the Sun, shifted uncomfortably in her throne while trying to focus. It wasn't working.

Court was adjourned and the first thing Celestia did was take the cushion over to the trash and rip it open to see what the issue was. She could feel her anger growing as two dozen ball bearings tumbled out of the cotton filling and into the waiting trash bin. Making a mental note to find Nick and Luna later and pay them back in kind, she went to her office to finish the day's paperwork.

Yet even the tedium of paperwork was not beyond the reach of a certain pair of pranksters. As soon as she entered the room, she checked the cushion she sat on, the walls, the doorframe, even her teacup. Nothing. Finally satisfied, she sat down, and plopped the ten-pound stack of papers onto her desk.

And then the loosened screws of the desk gave way under the sudden impact, and the entire desk collapsed, sending papers flying everywhere. Her eye twitched. It took an extra hour to sort everything, and she had to work in one of the conference rooms until her desk could be replaced, but she was still holding strong. She would not break so easily under such common pranks; they needed to think bigger of they wanted a reaction from her.

After a delightful dinner with no incidents, Celestia had an evening to herself. Asking around, she discovered that nopony had seen Nick or Luna all day, but had heard they had been working on an invisibility potion in the alchemy lab of the castle. Now knowing that she may be under their gaze, she made sure to be extra careful that evening. Knowing Twilight was visiting, she decided reading in the library would be a good idea, as both knew not to incur the wrath of the egghead. She swore she heard a sigh of defeat as she entered the library.

Finally, her day finished, and its endless string of unimaginative pranks ended, she went back to her room and lowered the sun. Smiling as she washed up, she had a thought that perhaps it wasn't over yet. So she checked the cushions on the seats and her pillow. Nothing. She checked the bed. Sturdy as ever. The faucets? No leaks or tampering. She even checked the sheets for itching powder. Nothing. Finally satisfied the there were no more pranks, she laid down in bed and rolled over to get a good night's sleep...

And fell victim to the oldest prank of all.

*frrrrt*

Whoopee Cushions are easy to hide inside mattresses, after all.

Author's Note

Today's challenge to myself was to write a chapter with no dialogue and only one of the three main characters present.

I also decided to bombard Celestia with all my ideas that were too short for a full chapter. Sorry Celly, we still love you.

The smell of pranking in the morning

The sky above Canterlot was abuzz with reporter pegasi trying to get that perfect picture of the royal sisters as they got into their sky chariot with their human friend to depart for Ponyville. Even the entierty of the royal guard's pegasi couldn't keep them out of the air. Still, that didn't deter the three friends from taking off for Pinkie's 'We haven't had a party yet this week and it's already Tuesday AND we were supposed to have a party yesterday, so we're fixing that' party.

Yes, it was printed on the invitations that way. Nick was rather curious to see how the crazy pink pony was going to fit it on a banner and cake. He was also fighting a headache from trying to figure out how the invitation arrived a month ago, despite not knowing yesterday's party would be cancelled by... well he hadn't read Twilight's letter to Celestia yet about what happened, but it was twice as long as usual so it was bound to be a treat. He decided to take everypony's advice and let Pinkie be Pinkie.

Nick adjusted his backpack as he looked back at the swarm of reporters. "I swear, those guys never give up. I'm half tempted to use the prank on them..." he muttered.

Of course, alicorn hearing was phenomenal, so both sisters heard that. "Oh, thou had a prank planned, Nicholas? Tell us now and we will let you off with a warning this once... perhaps." Luna glared at her friend. Celestia shared a rather dark look, but it seemed perfectly normal from a distance. A princess needs to keep her public image, after all.

"Well," Nick began, leaning back in his seat. "Since it's too late for you to avoid it now, I might as well tell you. You ever watch the movie Speed?"

Celestia answered the question. "You haven't told us about that one yet. Go on."

"Well, the main plot of the movie is that a bunch of folks get trapped on a bus, or I suppose a train to help you understand better, that has a bomb on it that will explode if the vehicle drops below a certain speed."

"Nicholas, did thou put a bomb on our sky chariot?!" Luna was immediately grateful for the sound barrier all chariots had, so the guards flying it didn't freak out. Celestia appeared worried, as well.

"Oh, don't get your tail twisted, Luna. I wouldn't put us in any danger this high up. And explosives aren't always as destructive as you imagine. I merely took inspiration from the movie. Tell me, are either of you aware of a certain plant known as murkweed?"

The sisters froze. Having lived on the planet for centuries, they knew full well what the accursed plant was. Murkweed was a thankfully rare plant that only grows in froggy bottom bog in the everfree forest. It produces a horrid stench similar to a skunk that has the magical tendency to stick to whoever gets near it for a week or so.

"Yeah, the look on your faces says it all. I loaded a stink bomb full of eau de murkweed underneath the seat, and rigged it so it'll go off when only one of us is left in the chariot. You two will have to figure out who's getting sprayed, and it's gonna be hilarious! But don't worry. Twilight wrote to me about some new experiment about a spell to remove bad odor, so I'm sure she will help you... after she attends the party she pinkie promised to be at, of course. Mua ha ha."

Celestia thought for a moment. "And what makes you so confident you won't be the last one in the chariot?"

He gestured to his backpack. "Duh, I brought a parachute. I'm gonna bail before we hit the ground. Easy peasy."

Celestia picked up the backpack in her magic and teleported it away. "And NOW what makes you think you won't be the last one in the chariot?"

"Er... well... I can still uh... jump out before you guys do! I still have a 2/3 chance of getting out!"

Luna responded by spreading her wings and flying off. Nick stared slack-jawed for a moment.

"Shoot, I forgot about that."

"I will ask again, Nick." Celestia powered up her horn to teleport away. "What makes you think..."

"Celestia, please..."

"That you won't be the last one in this chariot?"

"I swear I will buy you like a bajillion cakes. Don't do this to me."

"Hm... tempting."

"Really?" Nick asked, wide eyed that his desperate plea worked.

"...but any cake you buy from a bakery is no match for my chefs. So no deal." And with a flash of light, she appeared flying a few dozen feet away from the chariot alongside her sister, maniacal gring on their faces.

"Oh, fudge. I hope Twilight's stupid treatment works."

Dear ~~Princess~~ Celestia,

As you no doubt have heard, Ponyville is in a bit of a fuss right now. I have spent the last few weeks trying to perfect an odor elimination spell in order to help make my lab smell less like burnt...things... after an explosion a month ago that you really don't need to worry about, I swear.

But I digress. Nick came to me smelling horrible and explained that Murkweed was the cause, and asked for my help. Well, I did, and I discovered a few things.

Firstly, while my prototype spell works perfectly fine on most smells, it reacts differently to magically-induced scents. More specifically, it transfers the scent to the object nearest to the creature or object affected by the spell.

Second, the amount of magic required to transfer a smell is directly proportional to the size of the being or object affected. The larger the target, the more mana is required. Theoretically, if I used all may available magic at once, I could remove a scent from a hydra.

Third, my Castle of Friendship is much larger than a hydra.

As soon as the stench left Nick, it transferred to the nearest object, and unfortunately my castle counts as an object. Furthermore, as the stench is magical in nature and not chemical or biological, being spread across the entirety of the castle did not result in the smell becoming any less potent. So, the whole Castle of Friendship smells horrible.

Unfortunately there is no, as Nick would call it, 'undo button'. I did not think to create a counterspell as it did not seem necessary at the time. And transferring the smell away from the castle requires far more magic than we have available. So for the time being, we are coming to stay at Canterlot Castle. This is non-negotiable, as we are writing this from the train. We can get supplies there, after we throw Nick in the moat, as is customary for retaliation from a prank, albeit an accidental one.

Your irritated ~~faithful student~~ fellow princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

I had the idea and wrote this in an hour.

What happens when a prank backfires? Well, we get the plotline of an MLP episode, apparently.

Munched 4: Live Free or Munch Hard

Day court was rather boring on the average afternoon. Nobles bickered, bills passed or failed to do so, the occasional petitioner had to get kicked out, and one or two ponies brought a gift for the solar alicorn. Celestia almost wished something interesting would happen, but she knew that such a line of thinking was nothing short of saying 'Hey Discord, come and turn the whole of Canterlot upside-down!' At least Twilight was helping today, and Celestia really appreciated the company. The only thing that seemed remotely out of place was Nick and Luna pulling a cart piled high with something covered by a tarp. She figured it was for some prank later, and made a not to try and figure out what it was before it hit her. That's what spies are for, after all.

Meanwhile, the princess of the night and her human ally were setting everything up. "So, why exactly are we going through all this effort for a cake? I know it's my sister's cake, but you could just ask one of the chefs to make you one. You DO have some degree of authority around here, after all."

"It's the principle of the matter," Nick responded. "Plus, I've seen a lot of crazy things happen because of what I can only describe as the plot of a kid's show, so I've been trying to capitalize on that by playing the genre to my favor."

"When was this?"

"Last week when I was running from Celestia and somehow every door in the hallway led back to the hallway. It was straight out of a popular show called Scooby-Doo."

"Chase scenes are no less common than spontaneous musical numbers, Nicholas. You know this," Luna explained, befuddled as to where the human was going with this line of thinking.

"Well I figured I'd try playing a different genre to my favor. I'm not about to go painting a door and escaping through it, only Discord could hope to pull that off. But if there's one genre I know, it's action movies." He smiled at the fond memories of the genre's many tropes. "Anyway, this heist rides on two of the biggest rules of action movies: You're a badass if you don't look at explosions, and badasses aren't hurt by explosions."

"That explains all the dynamite. You're lucky we have quite the repair budget."

Celestia cantered down the hall towards the main kitchen. She had just finished day court, and she was hungry for a cake. Twilight was following, but the purple alicorn wasn't in the mood for as sweet a treat as cake. All that came to a halt, however, when they saw Nick casually leaning against the doorframe of the kitchens, with a platter in his hands. On that platter, covered by a glass dome enchanted to never break and keep the confection fresh, was one of Celestia's precious cakes.

"Took ya long enough, princess. Something seems to be eatin' ya, though."

Celestia saw red for a moment. "Hand it over, Nick. You've proven your point. I don't know how you got one of my cakes, and I don't care. Give it back."

"Let me think about that. Hmmmmno." And with a over-exaggerated bow, he took off running.

"After him!" Celestia and Twilight took off after their friend, hooves pounding the floor as they galloped closer. They almost had him when Nick took a running leap over a railing instead of taking the stairs, using a floral arrangement below to cushion his fall. That was when the explosions started.

Two moderately sized blasts went off on either side of the flowers the moment he impacted the ground, silhouetting Nick against a backdrop of fire. The two alicorns in pursuit had jumped after him, but were caught off-guard by the blasts and were stunned long enough for Nick to make a mad dash down the hall. As he ran with his rivals in hot pursuit, several more explosions rocked the hall, so much that the entire castle shook for a few moments. That mini-quake happened to make Blueblood spill wine all over his vest, but nopony would know that until later.

Nick kept running. Every turn and jump on his route was followed by explosions, making the whole thing really seem like something straight out of an action movie. For the grand finale, he dashed off a balcony and used a nearby banner to slide down the wall of the castle to the ground, where a small table he had set up before was there waiting for him.

As rubble collapsed around him, he had only one thing to say. "Aw yeah, I'm a badass. And to the victor go the spoils!" Taking the cake out of its casing, nick took several mouthfuls of the delicious treat before slowing down. There was something distinctly non-cakey inside the cake. he swallowed the remainder of the bite in his mouth before taking a closer look at his prize. He noticed, baked into the cake, several familiar blue flowers.

"Oh, crudbuckets."

Author's Note

Had to let him win once! But Nick also loses. Any ideas on how poison joke affects humans? I have no idea, YOU TELL ME!

Since Filli Vanilli we know the plant has the same effect EVERY time, but only on ponies so far! So I've decided to hold a little contest in the comments while I take a quick break to recharge my ideas on possible pranks. I'm willing to make Nick getting joke'd a regular thing, and its one effect on Nick is... Whatever the audience suggests! Leave a good enough idea and see it become a chapter. I'll be sure to give ya credit!

It's not too much of a hassle anyway. I write these in like an hour, stream of consciousness, no editing. So show me what you got, readers! We're outsourcing the next prank to you!

The nothing prank

"Fix it!"

"No. It's a good look on you, to be honest," Celestia chuckled.

Nick turned to Luna, clearly irritated. "Fine. Luna, fix it!"

"Nay, fair Nicholas! Thou hath bought us joy and merriment the bards and jesters of yore could only dream of! They weep in their graves knowing thou hath surpassed them all," Luna replied, before falling to the floor laughing uncontrolably.

Nick stomped his foot on the ground. "Rgh, FINE! I'll go get the maids to draw me a cure bath. ...as soon as I figure out what it did to me in the first place..." Nick angrily responded, adding a small mumble at the end. Celestia's ears perked up at that.

"You... you mean the poision joke pulled such an obvious prank on you, and... and you don't see it?" That got her to join her sister on the floor, gasping for air between guffaws.

"Argh! I'll do it myself. But mark my words, I will have my revenge!" And he stormed off in a rage, marching towards the castle spa.

It took the sisters a few minutes to calm down. As they hoof bumped in victory, Luna was the first to speak. "How long until Nicholas figures out that we are-"

She didn't get to finish her entrance, as Nick's voice pierced the castle from the spa. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF CURE?!"

"I-it's as I said, sir Nick. We are out of poision joke bath, and we won't be getting our shipment until tonight. Eight o'clock at the earliest. I will have one of the maids alert you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Not a problem!" As Nick made to leave the room, she added, "by the way, why are you wearing a sheet? It's not Nightmare Night yet. And I'm certain you could get a better costume from the royal tailors."

"Reasons. It's national dress like a ghost day. Something. Just please, don't ask, because I still don't know what that plant did to me!"

"It can't be that bad."

"It made Celestia lose her composure," Nick replied to the spa pony.

"Maybe keep the sheet on then."

It had been a LONG day for Nick. Both sisters had been pestering him for hours to see the handiwork of their prank again, and when their attempts at coercion and bribery failed, they turned to the one pony they knew could help.

"You can't hide forever, Nick! I will find you, and I will rip that sheet off you no matter how many ropes you tied it to yourself with, and I WILL GET MY DATA!"

So, having learned that the only human may or may not have been exposed to poision joke, Nick found himself thrust into an impromptu game of 'hide from the purple science horse'. Needless to say, Sparky was relentless and was getting closer to winning. And to top it all off, it was a mere 10 minutes until the bath would be ready. Sighing, and fearing the implications, he decided to pull out his secret Twilight distraction to buy him a few more precious seconds.

Twilight entered the room Nick was hiding in when she spotted a not on the floor. She picked it up and read it. "Sparky- you are persistent. So I will concede defeat and come quietly if you can answer the following question: If you have a ship consisting of 100 individual parts..."

As Twilight's mane frayed and signs of a full-on 'lesson zero' event was set into motion, Nick quietly slipped out of the room.

He could already hear the screams.

Still, he powered on, and burst into the spa to see the princesses standing next to a small hot tub full of a bubbling liquid. "Well, normally I'd say you look ridiculous, but given the current circumstances, I suppose it's an improvement," Celestia giggled. "The poision joke bath is ready whenever you are. Go ahead."

"Woohoo! Finally, back to normal!" Without a second thought, he ripped off his bindings and dove into the concoction. A few moments later, he surfaced. "Ahhhh... thanks for setting this up for me, girls. I know we give each other a hard time, but it's nice to know you care. Still, good move putting poision joke petals in that cake, Celly."

"Oh, those were just borage flowers. Blue, and edible to humans. I didn't actually intend for you to get away with a cake, but it worked out since you thought it was poision joke! We were just pulling your leg about everything," she replied.

"Wait, what?! So you're telling me you whipped up this poision joke cure bath for nothing?"

"Nay, dear Nicholas." Luna chuckled. "Recall the Dwagon incident a month ago? This isn't a poision joke cure. It's a poision joke bath. We are quite interested to view its effects in a more controlled environment than a crumbling, exploding courtyard."

"I hate you guys so much."

"We know."

Author's Note

The joke is on you
'cause theres no joke till next time
It's snowing on Mt. Fuji

Haikus are fun, right?

Bad luck charm

Nick soaked in the poision joke water, the two sisters holding him in their magic so he couldn't even try to escape his fate. Relenting, Nick dunked his head under the water and shook off, admitting defeat.

"Fine, you win. But if this stuff gets me hurt, you're paying the hospital bill."

Luna chuckled. "For a chance to see the poision joke prankster receive due punishment? 'Tis a risk we are willing to take."

Celestia grinned. "Yes, and just to be doubly sure you don't sneak out of this, we had all of our poision joke antidote except one dose shipped to ponyville, so you will have to take the train in the morning. The one dose is of course, in case of an adverse reaction, and will only be used if such an event occurs. It's under more security than my cakes tongiht."

Nick slumped down in the raised hot tub, eye level with the royal sisters. "Rgh, fine... shouldn't it have kicked in by now? I'm all wrinkly from sitting in here too long."

Celestia pondered her answer. "It is strange... we put enough in there it should have had a near-instantaneous effect." As soon as she finished those words, the side of the hot tub collapsed, sending poision joke water everywhere and drenching those present. True to her word, it took effect immediately, the most notable change being the then-setting sun turning a lime green and the rising moon shifting to a blue hue. Other staff members around the castle spa began experiencing various effects as well, and Nick was left shivering from the sudden exposure to colder air. In the ensuing chaos of ponies freaking out, several clean towels landed on him, as well as a few bits.

"Wow, lucky me! Wait..." he mused. "Did the poision joke make me super lucky? That or it took everyone else's luck. Either way, I can't let this go to waste!"

Meanwhile, Celestia and Luna were arguing. "My moon is set to be up the rest of the night, so I should get the cure!"

Celestia responded to her sister, irritated. "And a green sun is how everypony wants to wake up tomorrow. Plus, I know the combination to the lock, you don't."

Nick decided to test his newfound luck a bit. "Is it 37-52-04?" He figured he had the right answer when Celestia's jaw dropped to the floor, ber eyes wide with shock, then anger.

"You stole it, didn't you?!"

He shrugged. "Nah, just a lucky guess. Although with your bad luck from getting doused in joke juice, I wish you two the best of luck in finding it!" And with that, he jumped out the window and landed in a soft bed of flowers below.

It had been an eventful night, for all parties involved. Nick had used his newfound ability to literally take the luck out of situations, putting most of the castle staff in the crossfire of his biggest pranking spree yet, even if it was accidental. The sisters, on the other hand, had personally flown to ponyville to retrieve the spare cures. The only issue was that there wouldn't be enough cure for the entire spa staff for another month, so time off and compensation would likely be in order. Still, there was one person who they needed to get cured as soon as possible, lest the elements of harmony decide Nick had become an accidental villain.

Racing back to Canterlot castle at top speed (and hitting several cloudbanks on the way), the sisters were greeted with a massive crater and a pile of bits ten feet tall where the courtyard used to be. And atop it all sat Nick, curled up in a ball and waiting for their return.

"Celestia! Luna! Be careful, this joke stuff was WAY too strong! I didn't mean to do... all this, I just wanted to prank the two of you for a while! Please, just give me the antidote so we can end this!"

Celestia and Luna managed to lift Nick in their magic for only a few moments before an errant flock of birds flew by, distracting them enough to break their hold, dropping Nick unharmed into the hedge maze, which proceeded to be ripped apart by a strong wind so Nick could simply walk out. Subsequent attempts yielded similar results, and with each failure the damage to the castle grounds only grew.

It took Twilight, who was leaving for Ponyville the next morning, to come up with the proper solution. Mixing all the antidote to create the cure bath in the one place Nick's luck always led him, the few was simply one thing left to do. Approaching their friend with their guard dropped, they gave their order.

"Nicholas Abernathy, this prank is over. We demand you enact your traditional punishment, the cure waits there."

His eyes widened, then he solemnly nodded. "Heh, figured I'd need to do it myself one of these days. Hey, no more poision joke after this, ok? I don't think the treasury can take it! But enough talk... CANNONBALL!"

And with that, Nick jumped into the cure-filled moat of his own volition, and the madness ended. From then on, Nick and the sisters regarded that night as 'The prank that went way too far.'

Author's Note

Sometimes, being too lucky is pretty unlucky...

See you all next chapter!

Good night. Sleep? Yeah right...

Good night. Sleep? Yeah right...

The calm light of the moon illuminated the dark hallways of Canterlot Castle. For most of the the ponies, this meant the end of a successful, productive day. Only the night staff and guards remained, giving the whole palace a unique, mystical feel that only the night can truly provide.

Yet a certain someone was not happy. Laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, Nick groaned. "Ugh, I should not have had all that coffee earlier to help Celly with decoration ideas for Nightmare night. I'm gonna throw my whole schedule out of whack... thank goodness I dont need a real job here. If only I had some music, maybe I could sleep. Wait a minute, music..." a grin crept across his tired face. It might take all his energy to even get out of bed, and halfway to dreamland wasn't the best time for it, but there was pranking to do!

And so, the human set off into the bowels of the castle storerooms to find what he needed. It took about an hour of digging through old artifacts and documents to find the prize he desired. "Ah, here we are! I wonder, which of these is going to be the most useful here..." then he looked to his left, and his eyes widened. "Hello, what have we here..."

What a day! Celestia sighed into her bedsheets as she felt her stress leave her tired body. After putting up with nobles all week, it was finally friday night, so she could get some shut-eye. She curled up with her teddy bear and closed her eyes, a soft smile on her face as she drifted off to dreamland...

Suddenly, a massive blast of noise shook her out of her relaxation, shaking the room slightly as the unknown sound reverberated through the room. It was so startling and loud that Celestia nearly had a conniption thinking the kingdom was under attack again.

Celestia nearly fell flat on her face as she scrambled out of bed in a panic. Getting to her hooves over the cacophony of noise, she rushed forward and forced the balcony doors open, knocking a vase backwards from the force of the swinging frames.

The garden below was a mess. Much to her confusion (and likely to the upset of the ponies that cared for the gardens), the entire garden was covered in rainbow, glow-in-the-dark silly string, and it was EVERYWHERE. In the trees, under water in the fountain, even over the castle walls.

"What in tartarus is going on here?!" She exclaimed.

Looking down below, she found the reason her night had become so disturbed: One very familiar, irritating human with the one she thought she had buried so deep in the castle it would never be seen again: The 'quadruple-barreled, chaos causing turbo-tuba', as Discord had named it during his first reign of chaos.

Nick, however, seemed just as confused as she was. "Whoa! What the heck, this thing shoots silly string? I just thought it was a marching band tuba with two sound projectors instead of one! Oh boy, this is gonna be fun. Time for a concert! And a one, and a two, and a-" Nick took a deep breath and blew into the mouthpiece again, the four bells (where the sound comes out) began to rotate and spew silly string again as very bad, off-key tuba music played out of them. More and more silly string coated the garden as Nick paraded around, clearly pleased with himself.

Celestia flew down, ignoring the silly string getting caught in her fur and mane. "Nick! What are you doing? That is an artifact from the chaos wars, it is- in good grief, you can't hear me! NICK!" She didn't like having to pull out the royal canterlot voice, but she had to in order to catch his attention.

"Huh? Oh, hey Celestia! Look what I found! This thing is so cool! Look at how much fun it is to spray glowing silly string everywhere, the garden looks like a light show!"

"Nick..." Celestia brushed her now glowing mane out of her face. "That was created by Discord in order to... uh... well, mainly cause chaos and annoy Luna and I. Please stop, before you end up ruining the garden more than you have!"

Nick shrugged. "Oh, lighten up Celly. What's the worst that could happen?" As soon as the words left his mouth, the bells began to rotate, blasting horrible music and shooting glowing silly string straight into the sky in massive quantities, easily covering the entire castle before the 'song' ending triggered a final explosion of glitter glue to soak the entire garden, its occupants included, in neon plaid glitter.

"You had to say the trigger phrase, didn't you, Nick."

"Oh. Uh... oops. Hey, how is the glitter plaid? That shouldn't be possible."

"Discord."

"Fair enough. Guess a quick dip in the moat is in order... need to clean off anyway. I think I'm ready for bed now."

Celestia breathed a sigh or relief. "Thank goodness. I was hoping this would end fast. Why even use this, anyway?" She inquired, lifting the instrument in her magic.

"If I can't sleep, noone else can either."

As the pair carried the tuba back to the storage vaults, they passed through the throne room, recently cleaned by the staff in preparation for the upcoming Grand Galloping Gala. Nick smiled. "Hey, Celly?"

"What is it, Nick?"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

As the tuba started up again, primed to ruin the throne room, Nick dashed off, cackling maniacally. That night, a single, infuriated scream woke up all of Canterlot to join the human in his insomnia.

"NICK!!!!!"

Author's Note

I need sleep

This is what happens when I don't get any

The Theseus Thesis

"Nicholas? Dost thou have a moment to spare?" Luna poked her head I through the door to Nick's suite of the castle. Nick put down the latest Daring Do book he was reading and nodded.

"I always have time for you and your sister, Luna. What's up? Judging by the fact it's not your off hours, I assume it's work related?"

"Yes. We are usually more than happy to help dear sister with her paperwork, but this order vexes us. Pray tell, dost thou know of any reason why twenty identical ships of interchangeable parts have been shipped to Ponyville, despite having nothing more than a pond in terms of aquatic locales?"

Nick shook his head for a moment. "Sorry, I wasn't paying full attention there. You said twenty boats got shipped to Ponyville? That is wierd. Let me see the order, maybe I can spot something out of place." Luna entered and huffed over the requested paperwork. Nick looked it over while his Lunar friend took a moment to get a drink of water and nibble on the flowers he left for her and Celestia's visits in a vase on the table. After a good ten minutes of reading and rereading the papers, Nick snapped his fingers triumphantly. "Eureka! I've got the answer!"

Luna looked up from her snapdragons with interest. "Well? Do not keep us in suspense, dear Nocholas."

He pointed to a few lines and explained. "Well, somepony shuffled the numbers around a a bit, but at its core the funds to buy those boats came directly from the royal science fund, which is used of experiments and advancements in technology. But there's only one pony in Ponyville with unfettered access to that fund..."

Luna finished his thought for him. "Twilight."

Ponyville was having a day of clear skies. The temperature was just right, not a cloud to be seen, and because it had been at least a week since the last fiasco, nopony paid any attention the twenty sailboats sitting in a hastily assembled dry dock next to castle friendship.

"Twi, why are we taking these apart and putting them back together?" Inquired Spike, the purple princess's number one assistant. "Didn't these all pass inspection?"

Twilight disconnected the mast with her magic and replaced it with antoher, not even looking at the drake. Her mane and tail were frazzled, and she was clearly close to going full 'lesson zero'. "It's not the integrity of the ships I'm checking! I have an experiment to run! This could be the the start of a great advancement in the field of logical thinking and science!"

"I think it's the start of a major headache. Twilight, what the heck are you doing?" Nick and Luna walked up to the excited purple pony, both wondering exactly how thos dry dock had been constructed so fast. Oh wait, Ponyville. Events like this are just as important to roll with as Pinkie's logic.

"Nick!" With a flap of her wings, Twilight jumped into Nick's arms for a hug, affectionately nuzzling him. "I've been working my tail off trying to figure out that problem you gave me! Sure, it distracted me from studying the effects of poision joke on humans, but this is now a major scientific study!"

Nick thought for a moment on what the pony in his arms was talking about. "Wait, are you actually trying to replicate the Ship of Theseus paradox? Why?!"

"I gotta know! Doesn't the unknown excite you?"

"And what, pray tell, is this paradox, Nicholas?" Luna asked.

Nick sighed. "It's a thought experiment. The idea is that if you have a boat made of replaceable parts, eventually you will have to replace every part. If you reassembled all the parts you replaced, the paradox lies in the question: which is your ship?"

"So I'm shuffling parts around to find out if I can solve it!" Twilight beamed.

Luna tilted her head, intruiged. "Fascinating. Is this anything like when you told her that 'This sentence is false'?"

Nick nodded, letting Twilight's mane to help calm her down. "Yup. There's never really a clear answer. It's meant to confuse the person, er, pony. I have a few other paradoxes stashed away in case I need to get away from Sparky here in a hurry."

"Don't be mean!" Twilight chided playfully, lightly hitting him with a hoof. Nick pretended not to notice. Luna allowed herself a refined giggle.

"But, it usually doesn't have to be a ship. Pretty much anything that has parts that can be replaced, the paradox applies. How much do you need to replace before it is a different thing? It could be a house, or a puzzle, or even a living being in some cases! The possibilities on how to word the question, and therefore the number of possible experiments, are...uh...endless. Uh oh..." he looked down at the excitedly quivering purple mass in his arms. "Twilight no."

"TWILIGHT YES!"

Author's Note

The ship of Theseus is a thought experiment about how many changes you can make to something before it's different. Seeing as the average human body replaces all its cells over the course of around 5 years, do you still think you are the same person/pony/other you were when the show started? Think on it and get back to me, I'm curious on your thoughts.

Double vision and then some

"Morning, Celestia. Morning, Luna."

"Good morning, Nick!" Replied the two alicorns.

Nick continued onward to the dining hall. "Uhg... they better have some strong coffee this morning. I barely feel alive... morning, Celestia. Morning, Luna."

"Good morning, Nick!" The two alicorns replied.

Nick approached the counter. "Morning Nick, what'll it be?"

"Oh. Morning, Celestia. Strong coffee. Really strong. Please..."

"Here you go, Nick. A special enchanted blend to wake you up quick." Nick took the cup and chugged it, leaving the mug on the counter and walking off to find somewhere to sit. He nodded to the ponies in line as the magic coffee woke him up.

"Morning, Celestia. Morning, Luna. Morning, other Celestia... wait, WHAT?!"

Over a dozen Celestias and Lunas scattered throughout the dining hall perked up and chimed a hello from all directions. One pair approached him. "Greetings, Nicholas! We have decided to play a game with thee. So we have more than doubled the fun, we have...er... multiplied it by twelve! And it is thy goal to figure out who is the real one. But don't bother trying to smudge any makeup, for we have called in our changeling allies for this trick!"

Nick facepalmed. "Ugh. It's too early for this. I'm going back to bed."

"A thousand bits if you guess right, Nick," one of the Celestias chimed in.

"Suddenly it's not so early! And if I guess wrong?"

"Then it will fall to you to convince Blueblood to not raise taxes on the poor for the third time this month. He never gets his way, but he makes far too many attempts." Nick grimaced, but nodded. It seemed like a fair deal. 'Celestia' continued with her explanation. "You may request one thing from each of us to determine who the fakes are. Either have us perform an action, or ask us a question you feel only the real Celestia or Luna would know. If you leave the room, you forfeit, but you can take as long as you want to choose. You may even wait until you have investigated all of us."

"Deal." Nick first approached the Celestia closest to him. "Alright Celly, what's your biggest fear?"

"Losing my sister again. Nightmare moon was more than enough."

"Hmph. Fair enough. 'Luna', hug me. I think I'd know the difference."

"Of course, Nicholas." She enveloped him in a loving hug, which Nick returned. He couldn't tell the difference.

"Dang. Either you're real or changelings are that good. Fine. Next!"

After several failed questionings, Nick was down to his last chance: one Luna. He had already had all the Celeatias answer questions or perform minor tasks, and he had to admit they performed flawlessly. Staring down the final Luna, he unleashed his final question. "Alright Luna. I've got one question for you that will for sure reveal the real Luna. Get ready."

"We are prepared for anything thou has to throw at us, Nicholas. Have at thee!"

"Alright then. Did you know I never legally changed your name back?"

Luna tilted her head to the side. "We...we are afraid we do not follow thy line of reasoning, Nicholas. Elaborate, please."

Nick grinned sadistically. "Alright. Since I never changed it back, your name is still, and I quote, 'Princess Zibble-Wibble, Oops! In my Kibble, Walla-Walla-Walla-Walla, the Third!'"

An awkward silence filled the room for a moment. Then everypony in the room began laughing hysterically, all the princess copies included. Only one was differemt: a single guardsmare standing guard at the door bore a sudden expression of shock and fury. Her scream shook the castle. "YOU DID WHAT?!"

Nick spun on his heels and pointed his finger at the guard. "J'accuse, Princess Luna! And you should know better than to fall for a lie like that."

"Wait... what?" As the implications hit her, Luna dropped her disguise, her face cherry red in embarrassment. "Oh..." That got another round of laughs, and she teleported out in shame.

"Oof. Looks like she wasn't too happy about that. At least I found her. Hey Celestia, you aren't hiding as a ficus or something, are you?"

Illusions were dropped until only the true solar princess remained. "No, I am right here. I do believe I am going to have to speak with Luna about cheating. So, how about we revise the rules a bit. Leave the room for an hour while I talk with Luna, then come back and I'll set up for you to try and find me. Okay?"

An hour later, twelve Celestias lined up in the dining hall. "You may come in now, Nick. But you will lose," one announced.

The doors opened, and Nick walked in, pushing a magnificent cake, from the local bakery that Celestia loved. Surprisingly, every Celestia but one recoiled from it. "Found ya. I win."

"How?"

"Laced the cake with some bottled rage. Changelings hate it, remeber?"

"Well played, Nick. I suppose I owe you some bits, then."

"Nah, your reaction should be worth more than enough."

"My reaction to what?"

"Oops." With a kick, Nick sent the pristine, triple decker cake and its rolling cart on a path straight to the stairs. "Clumsy me."

"MY CAKE!"

Author's Note

The fun has been...uh... duodecupled!

It's a word, you can look it up.

Want fries with that?

Twilight was visiting the castle! So everypony was in a cheery mood. Celestia and Luna were entertaining her but needed to be called away for an important meeting. So, the purple alicorn princess was left alone in the sitting room for a moment. That was, until Nick entered, carrying a clipboard.

"Hey Sparky! How are you doing? Celly and Luna seemed happy to see you."

Twilight smiled. "Of course they were! But they had to go hash out some new exceptions in land laws. How are you?"

Nick smiled. "I am fine. So, all alone, huh? Well, I suppose I can help you out a bit. I was going to go get some food from the kitchens. Do you want anything?" He asked, raising his notepad for emphasis. "Some pancakes, perhaps?"

"No thanks, it's too late for pancakes. How about a hayburger? Medium rare, with lettuce, tomatoes, and... daisies, please."

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

Twilight thought for a moment. "Hm... how about some hay fries to go with it? Not too many, though, I can't risk looking like a slob again." She recalled her gorging on food at the Hayburger in Ponyville, and the humiliation she faced later. Never again.

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

"A soda. Or apple cider, if you guys have any left over from last year's cider season. I haven't had any in a month or two," she replied. Her human friend wrote it down dutifully.

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

"No, that should be it."

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

Twilight facehooved. "Clearly you didn't hear me, but fine. put it on a plate, and either bring it back here or have a maid do it. You did get my order correct, right?" Nick nodded. Still, Twilight felt the need to double-check. "A medium rare hayburger with lettuce, tomato, and daisies, a few hay fries, and a soda or a cider?" Another nod. "Good, then that's my order."

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

Her eye twitched. "Nick... I said that was my entire order. Done. Stop asking and go put it in with the chefs so they can cook it!" Twilight stomped the ground, frustrated. Just what was going on today?

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

"I'd like it if you could say something else for once, Nick."

"Got it. Was there anything else you wanted?"

"That's not what I meant, Nick!" Twilight all but screamed.

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

"I refuse to play your annoying human world mind games today!"

"Alright. Do you want anything else?"

"ARGH!" The young princess felt some of her sanity slip away from this conversation. "No,Nick! Nothing else! Now go and put the order in before I lose my temper! And if you say 'Alright. Do you want anything else?' again, I will personally drag you over here, lift you up by your foot, ant throw you out the window into the moat!" She glared at Nick, not happy with his current repetitiveness. All she could hope was that she got her point across.

"Alrihgt, alright..." Nick raised his hands in defeat before moving towards the door, ready to leave and take the order. But just as he was walking out the door, he turned, and added, "...Do you want anything else?"

"NICK!"

Celestia and Luna returned a little while later. Coming back from their meeting, they noticed that Twilight seemed a little frazzled.

"Are you alright, Twilight?" Celestia asked. "You seem a little... annoyed."

Twilight seemed to share off her frazzled state to calm her old mentor. "No, no, I'm fine. How was your meeting?"

"Oh, it was good," Celestia replied. "Luna and I managed to find and fix several errors in the tax code for land Grant's, placated a few nobles, and happened to notice a human fall into the moat. You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that, would you?"

Twilight laughed nervously. "Of course not! He must have pulled a prank on a guard captain or something. Now where were we? I think I was telling you about the current classes at the school of friendship."

"Very well. But couldn't thou give us a moment to acquire some food, Twilight? We are famished," Luna inquired.

"I'll let the chefs know. What do you two want?" Asked Celestia.

"Something with lots of flowers," Luna responded.

"Just a daisy sandwich for me, I had food earlier," Twilight added.

And then Celestia turned to them and smiled. "Alright. Do you want anything else?"

Celestia had no clue what hit her as Twilight flung her out the window and into the moat below. "Hey, Celly. Twi get you too?"

Author's Note

A N D T H E N

Inspired by

And push it somewhere else!

Luna woke up to the rising sun, yawning and stretching away the stress of a night of policing dreams. She got up as she always had, trotting to the bathroom door and opening it with her magic to waltz in and get ready for another day.

Except, this time the door didn't open. Instead of swinging inwards to the bathroom, it refused to budge, and Luna walked straight into the elegant door, facefirst. "Ouch! What is the meaning of this? Is this door broken?" She asked aloud. So she pushed on the door, throwing all her weight into it while ensuring the knob was turned, but it wouldn't move, even a tiny bit. So, needing to go to the bathroom, Luna resorted to plan b: magic blasts. If it wasn't for the soundproofing on her room, the guards might have thought the castle was under attack, but at the very least Luna was able to relieve herself. Then, irritated but still in a decent mood, she walked through the doors of her room and into the hallway.

Or more specifically, she tried to, for those doors failed to budge either.

"What in Tartarus is going on today? Is every blasted door in this castle stick this morning?!" She pulled the doors with all her might, but nothing. Deciding to not scare anypony in the hallways, she dropped the soundproof spell and called out. "Guards, our door seems to be stuck on this side. Couldst thou try and open it from your side?"

"At once, Princess!" The two guards attempted to push the door inwards, but they too found it impossible to force the door open. In a final fit of desperation, Luna teleported through the door to save face, and ordered the guardsponies to find out what was wrong. Suddenly, there was a magical explosion from the dining hall, and Luna rushed to investigate.

What she found was a very irate Celestia, the main door to the dining hall in splinters, and maids scrambling to sweep up the mess. "Good morning, dear sister," Luna remarked. "Seems that our room was not the only one with this issue."

"Luna! I didn't see you there. For some reason, none of the doors in the castle are opening! I've sent out a call to our best repair ponies to help solve the issue. But for now, I'm afraid that dismantling the doors seems to be the only option. Try to break as few as possible, but we do need to open a few doors to allow our little ponies who cannot teleport through them. After breakfast, at least. Come on, let's eat, and then we can work on helping everypony out.

"I'm sorry your majesties, but I'm afraid I don't understand what you are asking me to do. All of the doors seem to work fine, aside from the ones you have already smashed.

"Nonsense! None of them work!" Remarked Luna. "Oiled Hinge, we demand that thou show us these supposed working doors!"

Oiled hinge had seen a lot to door problems in his day, but how the princesses were acting about the doors in the castle was new to him. And he had been working for thirty years! "Luna is right, something is wrong with the doors. Observe," Celestia remarked, having led the group to the doors to the ballroom. She leaned up against the door, pushing with more than enough force to force a door like that open. "Now, how is it you claim they all work?"

Oiled Hinge looked at the royals, confused. "You... that is to say... uh..."

"Well? Out with it!"

"Maybe I should just show you." And with that, he pulled the door open.

"...when we find who is responsible for this, there will be some words."

In an undisclosed location, two figures watched the show through a crystal ball. Both were obscured by shadows, but both were clearly biped. One was apelike, the other a mix of parts from dozens of animals. They fist bumped calmly in celebration.

"I can't believe that worked."

"Nick, mah boi, a good laugh is what all pranksters strive for."

"Did you just reference-"

"Still, I didn't expect them to break half the doors in the castle! Who would have thought that switching the way the doors swing would create so much chaos?"

"I figured it might. Thanks for helping with that, by the way. Hey, show me Blueblood stuck in his room again!"

Suddenly, the lights clicked on, revealing their secret meeting place to be the broom closet of Twilight's castle. "How about a swim in the moat instead?" Asked an irate Purple princess.

Nick ran off, but Discord pulled a dessert from nowhere and prepared to throw.

"Twilight Sparkle, you dare bring light to my lair! NOW, YOU MUST PIE!"

Author's Note

For those who still don't understand what Discord did, they swapped the direction all the doors swing. But the ponies were so used to which way the doors swung, this happened.

Nightmare Night...

Nick finished drawing the last of the cartoony hairs on his chin before looking over his costume. Sure, it was low-budget, but there were no specialty stores for humans, even for his basic clothing, so he had to improvise. At the very least, it had given him a chance to try growing a thin beard, but after some annoying shaving sessions with a straight razor he decided to just stick with body paint to do the job of imitating it.

Regardless, he was excited. Nightmare night meant spending time with his closest friends, giving everypony a good time at the big party, and of course, candy. Lots and lots of candy. In fact, he and the sisters had called a truce so they could work together on the festivities, promising to scare each other later in the month.

"Alright, that should do it. I still can't believe I got us all in a group costume, but why not? And it's been too long since I've seen the elements. Pity Rarity and Applejack couldn't make it, and spike stayed with Rarity. But oh well. I guess I better head down and help setup." Nick took one last look in the mirror. A bushy haircut, drawn-on goatee, a green t-shirt and red pants, and black shoes. Satisfied, he made his way to the banquet hall for the big celebration.

"Nick! I'm so glad you are letting me take part in your culture like this! I can't thank you enough!" Twilight pounced on Nick as soon as he set foot in the hall, and the human just barely caught the mare without falling backwards.

"Hey, Sparky. Glad to see your costume came out alright. Wait... are those glasses real? I thought you didn't need glasses!" He looked at the thick glasses allowing Twilight the gift of sight, noting that her orange turtleneck sweater matched nicely with her fur.

"Oh, I cast a spell on myself so I have really bad eyesight for the next twelve hours! That way the outfit is more authentic to the source material as you explained it, and when studying another culture it's important to" Nick tuned out the pony gone lecturer in his arms, and waved to the two princesses approaching him.

"Hey Celly. Luna. Looks like the party is finally ready to start. You said Pinkie set this all up herself? For only having three days to prepare, I kinda doubt that."

"Don't doubt me, Nicky!" A pink blur tackled him from behind, giving Nick an awkward but effective pony body armor. "I worked my tail off making sure everything was superspledidily-perfect! My parties deserve nothing less. Ooh, what's your costume? Becauseibetitsahumanthingandohmygoshibetyougoonlotsofadventuresandsaythingslikezoinksandcatchmonstersandstuff!"

Nick placed Twilight on the floor, before grabbing Pinkie off his back. "Calm, Pinkie. Calm. Where's your costume, anyway?" He held her in her arms and started rubbing her belly.

The still-vibrating pink mare started kicking a leg. "Oh, I'm going as myself! See?" She reached up and pulled down a hidden zipper, her face falling away like a mask to reveal another pinkie underneath. "They'll never know it's me!"

"Whatever. I give up."

"Probably a good idea, when the pink one is involved. Greetings, Pinkie." Luna adjusted her purple dress and pink leggings with her magic. "Pray tell, art thou ready for the festivities?"

Pinkie put her mask back on before saluting to the lunar princess. "You bet I am! But somepony took my outermost Pinkie costume. Now I only have this inner one to hide who I am!" She lamented. "Still, I hope you have a super-dooper-ultra good time at the party! I gotta go fix a few things. Ciao!" And she bounced off, humming some unknown tune.

Celestia tightened her orange ascot, smiling. "It seems everything is in order. And Pinkie is her usual self. Shall we get this celebration started?" She trotted up to the podium, and addressed her subjects. "Welcome, my little ponies, to the annual Nightmare Night holiday ball and masquerade party. I am honored to have you all here, and I am pleased to see so many diverse costumes prepared for the costume contest. Now, let's make this night something we can all remember."

The ponies cheered, but suddenly their cries were interrupted by a voice from the shadows. "You won't need to worry about that, princess, because this night is going to last forever! Muahahahaha!" Lightning flashed outside, and the form of Nightmare Moon stepped onto the stage, sending the entirety of the ballroom into a massive panic!

"IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON! RUN!" "PROTECT THE FOALS!" "WAIT FOR ME!" "MY LEG!" When the stampede had cleared, only the three princesses and Nick remained.

"Wait, was that Nightmare Moon?" Asked Nick. "I thought Sparky and the others beat her! And I thought she was, well, Luna."

"She should be. Which can only mean that it is an imposter." Celestia trotted back over to the group, ready for action. "We need to figure out who is scaring our little ponies, and why. It would seem... we have a mystery on our hooves."

Author's Note

Yes we're doing this.
You can't stop me.
And I'm gonna need chase music.

Also this is gonna be a 3-parter. I took a bit longer than normal to upload because I was sick today.

...What a Fright...

"So, what do we do? Just go and find ol' Moonbutt and catch her? If she's strong, we may end up hurting someone. And by someone, I mean me," Nick said as they wandered the gloomy halls.

"Tis a possibility, but we did not sense a strong magical signature, so whoever is masquerading as our biggest regret is not an alicorn." Luna took a moment to sigh, her head drooping a bit. "We do enjoy this holiday, but it pains us to remember what caused it to come into being."

"Don't worry Luna. The girls and I beat the real Nightmare Moon, I think we can handle this fake together. Think of it as... uh... overcoming your past!" Twilight leaned up against her friend as they walked, hoping to comfort her. It seemed to work, slightly.

"Well, I think that our phony friend might be hiding, knowing that all of us together could cause them trouble."

Nick's head snapped its focus onto Celestia. "Fred- no, Celly, don't say it. Just don't."

Celestia tilted her head in confusion. "What? I was merely going to reccomend we split up."

"You had to say it."

Twilight chimed in before Nick could press the issue further. "Actually, splitting up in teams of two would allow us to search more of the castle while keeping to the buddy system in case things go wrong! I'll go with Nick."

Luna threw a hoof up in the air with authority. "Tis decided then. Let's split up, team!"

As they went their separate ways, Nick grumbled about the wrong character saying the line, and not even getting it right...

"Well. Off they go. Shall we go check our usual hiding spots, Luna?"

Her sister nodded. "Of course, Sister. We reccomend we check the backstage area that fiend emerges from. Perhaps we can find a clue there." And so, Celestia and Luna backtracked to the still-decorated main hall. Upon arriving, they moved to the storage area Nightmare Moon had come from, looking for clues.

Celestia was up in the rafters, glancing left and right. Honestly, she thought to herself, why do we have so many sandbags up here? "Find anything, Luna?"

Luna was digging through boxes to try and find a place a costume could be stored, potentially one used by the culprit. "Nay, Sister mine. We have yet to- wait a moment, there is something here! Look, a single, pristine, yellow hair from a mane! Perhaps it belonged to the perpetrator?"

Celestia flew down and examined the hair. "Hm. This seems recent. You may be onto something. But who do we know who has a yellow mane?" After thinking for a moment, she added, "You know, I hope Twilight and Nick are doing alright."

"So, in these stories, the characters running from the monster enter one door and exit a different one, but there's no teleportation? I think the only creatures capable of that are Discord, and maybe Pinkie."

"Twilight, I'm not going to bother trying to explain. Not unless you say it."

"Nick..."

"Twilight..."

"Fine. Jinkies. Now, can we get back to looking for the fake Nightmare Moon? I'd like to help fix this as soon as possible."

"Fine. And to answer your question, it was just a story. It was more made for the humor value that anything else." Nick glanced around where his and Twilight's wanderings had taken them. "Oh, look! We've reached the 'Haunted house' section of the castle. I remember Celly saying it was full of silly, simple tricks. Secret doors and the like."

The duo approached a set of stairs. Twilight turned to look at Nick again. "What kind of triiIIIICCCCKKKSSS!" Suddenly, as soon as she stepped onto the first stair, the steps of the staircase flattened out into a slide, the purple alicorn tripping and sliding down facefirst to the floor below.

"Sparky? You alright down there? Hang on, I'll slide down to meet you!" Nick slid down the staircase much easier, hoping to catch up to the bookworm before something bad happened.

Twilight, however, was still on the floor. She wasn't groaning, but searching. "I'm fine Nick, and I think I may have stumbled on something! There's a price of paper here, but I can't read it... because I lost my glasses. And my bad eyesight spell won't wear off for another few hours. Can you help me find them?"

She felt a tap on her back, and the glasses were offered to her. She took them in her magic and put them on, looking at the paper again. "Thanks. Hm... it looks like an attack plan for the entire castle, where to haunt and when. But one room is crossed off as a no-go zone. Why would one room in the royal suites be a place Nightmare Moon wouldn't want to go? Is it maybe their room? That would mean the imposter is one of the royal family." She thought for a moment. "I suppose we'll need more clues. Thanks for helping me find my glasses, N-" she turned to face her friend, but froze at the face inches away from heres. "You're... not Nick."

"Nope," Replied Nightmare Moon.

"Should I start running?"

"Yup." And she did.

As soon as Nick hit the bottom of the stairwell, he slid past Twilight and hit the wall, rotating it on its swivel to throw him into another room entirely. "Ouch... I gotta invest in a helmet or something. This mystery buisness is more painful than it looks."

He stood up, glancing around the room. It seemed to be a narrow hallway put in to allow for quick passage around the haunted house through the revolving walls, but no amount of force was making it budge. He was about to try again when he heard a rattling coming from one of the large urns used for decoration. Slowly, he crept over and lifted the lid.

"Please don't hurt me."

"Fluttershy? Is that you?"

The yellow pegasus looked up from her hiding spot and nearly jumped into Nick's arms. "Nick? Oh, thank Celestia! I thought you were Nightmare Moon, come back to get me!"

Nick comfortingly pet his soft spoken friend's head. "Don't worry. That Nightmare moon is a fake. We're gonna find out who it really is, and why they're scaring everypony. Come on, I got separated from Twilight and I'd appreciate some company. Let's go find the others together."

"But the only way out of here other than those hard to move walls is the dark basement of the haunted house! I don't even know why I ran in here to hide. I should have found someplace safer, but I was so scared..."

"Don't worry. I'll yank an enchanted candle off the wall and we can use that to see." That seems to calm Fluttershy as Nick tore a light off the wall and the two headed into the depths of the haunted house. "Hey, Flutters. Can I ask why you chose that as your costume? What are you supposed to be, anyway?"

"Oh, I'm a brown and black great Dane. They are one of the lesser known dog breeds in Equestria since they are as big as ponies, and so many go hungry because ponies find it creepy their dogs are as big as they are and just don't adopt the breed! I decided to go as one to raise awareness of their plight. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." The two carried on through the dark basement, their candle just providing enough light for Nick to see ahead of them. As the light of the exit came into view among the dusty barrels and boxes, a gust of wind blew out the candle. "Aw, fudge! Flutters, I can still see the exit. It sucks those candles are only enchanted to never run out of fuel, not immunity to being put out." Upon hearing Fluttershy's wings flapping, he rested his hand on the back of the mare on his right in order to guide them out of the box maze.

"Hey, Flutters, I think your costume has a hole in it. I ca. feel your fur." He ruffled the back fur with his hand to emphasize his point. "Flutters?"

"N-n-n-nick... that's not me. I'm on your left."

"Than who am I petting? Oh, no..." the two looked at their new companion as they stepped into the light of the castle corridors.

"Boo."

"I believe our lines are 'Zoinks' and 'Ruh-roh', Flutters. But I think I'll settle for RUN!"

Author's Note

What, I wasn't just gonna exclude a Scooby! AND it seems Velmalight Dinkspark lost her glasses, there.

All the tropes. All of them.

...Give Me Something Sweet To Bite!

Author's Note

God, I wish I could art so I could fanart this, or draw it, or something.

Regardless, I couldn't decide on a song for the chase scene, so here are a few options!
Song Songs Song Song

...Give Me Something Sweet To Bite!

In the middle of the night, not many things make a noise in Canterlot Castle. A few night owls might be up and the night guard was a common yet silent presence, but tonight there was not a single sound in the halls. It was peaceful, soothing, almost otherworldy.

"LIKE, GANGWAY!"

Or at least it was, until Nick barreled through the moonlit hall, carrying a costumed pegasus with a very irate alicorn hot on his heels. Nightmare Moon galloped forward to match the human step for step, and it seemed there was no escape. Suddenly, Nick tripped over a conveniently placed pumpkin, dropping to the ground in a slide. His pursuer jumped over him in time, but Nick and Fluttershy used the opportunity to rush into a nearby dark room as Nightmare scrambled to turn and continue the chase.

She burst into the room menacingly, eyes tracing the tea room for any sign of movement. A suit of armor, a table, the drapes... she ripped the tablecloth off the table to find nothing, and checking the drapes revealed the same. So, she marched on to the door on the other side of the room.

"Achoo!" "Shhh!"

Nightmare looked up. There, hanging on the chandelier, was Nick and Fluttershy, with Nick pressing a finger against her snout in a failed attempt to stifle her sneeze. "Oh. Uh. They went that way." He pointed towards the other door.

Nightmare trotted towards the door as the duo scrambled for the other door. "Ah, thank you, whelp. We will ensure your death is swift and- WAIT A SECOND!" She turned and lunged for them, but got a facefull of door instead. Nick and Fluttershy took the opportunity to dash down the hallway. Nightmare followed suit, stopping at an intersection to try and see which way they went. Deciding on a direction, she ran off.

Nick poked his head out of a large potted plant, and Fluttershy stepped out from behind a pegasus statue. "D-do you think we lost her, Nick?"

"Yeah, but I have a feeling we'll run into her again. Let's move!"

Elsewhere in the castle, Nightmare had caught up with Twilight, who was being quite the nuisance by abusing teleportation and flight to try and outmaneuver the enraged princess of everlasting night. Their chase led them to the gardens, where Nightmare Moon chased Twilight through some shrubbery into the hedge maze. This resulted in a brand new shortcut through the walls of the maze, making it incredibly easy to navigate. By the time they exited, there were only four giant bundles of leaves and branches.
One pile shuffled and a swarm of squirrels scamper awy, leaving three. Another lifted up to reveal a very irate gardener pony, who dashed back into the maze to try and fix things. The third shuffled and both Twilight and Nightmare Moon poked their heads out in opposite directions, and the last pile was blown away by the wind revealing nothing. Both ponies breathed a sigh of relief before turning and ending up muzzle-to-muzzle, and after only a moment's hesitation they galloped off, the chase beginning anew.

Meanwhile, Nick and Fluttershy rounded a corner only to run full force into another pony, knocking them into a pile.

"Twilight? Where the heck did you run off to?"

"Nick! And Fluttershy? I thought I lost you! I was being chased by Nightmare Moon! I only got away by teleporting and flying!"

"We were being chased by her too!"

"Wait, you saw her nearby?" Before Nick could answer, the holiday's namesake barreled around the corner at the end of the hall. The three only managed to avoid capture by Twilight quickly flinging a tapestry over the villain, and the trio made a quick getaway while Noghtmare extracted herself from the fabric trappings.

"I have a plan."

"Sister, this is not going to work the way thou intends it to."

"Oh come on now Luna, when have I ever ruined a trap before? I prank you and Nick all the time."

"Sister, this is Nightmare Moon, or at least an imposter, we are talking about. Modeling a trap after the late Rube Goldbray is not going to catch us an alicorn impersonator."

"But it's foolproof!" Celestia whined. "Look, we convince Nick to lead Nightmare down this hallway, and he stops at the last second so Nightmare slips on these ball bearings and soap! Then she slides down the hall into that statue holding the enchanted net, and we pull this rope to drop it on her and catch her! How is this a bad idea?"

"Tis one because... wait. Dost thou hear something?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Sister, did thou just see-"

Celestia interrupted Luna. "Nick carrying Twilight and Fluttershy while being chased by Nightmare Moon run past? Yes. Get in position, I think they are going to circle back around!"

Sure enough, the ridiculous chase came rushing right towards them. As Celestia attempted to sidestep out of the way, however, Nick plowed into her at top speed while Nightmare Moon impacted Luna. The mass of ponies and human tumbled across the slippery floor and into the statue, their combined momentum knocking them into the net. Slipping on the floor again as they scrambled to get free, the crew all slid out onto a nearby balcony and fell into the moat as one.

Nick was the first to surface, followed by Twilight. Then Luna and Fluttershy, with Celestia joining last. They dragged the net to shore, and found the broken form of Nightmare moon still in it, her wing broken to reveal wood and wires controlling the limb like a puppet.

"Ow... did we win? I think we won," Nick commented. "So... who is it?"

"Given the yellow hair I found earlier..." Celestia began.

"Oh! And I found haunting plans that avoided a specific room in the royal suites. It MUST be Blueblood, trying to get us back!"

Suddenly, the broken alicorn costume coughed in two places, and the incredibly detailed fabric fell apart revealing the culprit. Or more specifically...

"RAINBOW DASH AND PINKIE PIE?!" They all yelled.

"Wait!" Cried Nick. "While that might explain the yellow hair," he motioned to the yellow part of Rainbow's mane, "Pinkie said she had her Pinkie costume stolen. So maybe this is a dash costume too!" Gripping the two soaked ponies' manes, he pulled off their masks revealing Rainbow dash and Pinkie Pie to actually be...

"PINKIE PIE AND RAINBOW DASH?!"

"Curses! And we would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling mares and your stupid human!" Pinkie could barely keep herself from laughing as she lamented her loss, ultimately descending into a fit of giggles.

"Well that's the most inefficient disguise ever for spooking, going as each other," Nick added. "Hey Flutters, come here a second. I got a favor to ask." He leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"But what about the missing room on your plans?" Begged Twilight.

Pinkie spoke up again. "Because that's Blueblood's room. And Blueblood's room has... ugh... oatmeal raisin cookies! Bleh!"

"But why go through all this trouble?" Inquired Celestia.

"We heard you guys were having a prank war, and we wanted to join in! Nopony pranks better or awesomer than we do!" Boasted Rainbow Dash.

"Be that as it may, Rainbow, thou still have aot to answer for. However, we suppose we can be lenient for giving us the best Nightmare Night yet. Perhaps we will simply ask for thy help cleaning up, and invite the two of you to join in our prank war in the future."

"We'd love to!" Pinkie cheered excitedly.

"Still," Nick concluded, "we caught the 'monster' and unmasked them. I say we celebrate. Is there a malt shop nearby? Oh, and 'Shy? Go ahead."

Fluttershy stood in front of them all and spoke, with Nick following up quickly.

"Um... Shudder-Flutter-Doo!"

"And the Prank Crew, too! HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYPONY!"

Metapranking

[It was a rather slow day at Canterlot Castle, so Nick was lounging around the gardens eating a nice bowl of apple slices. Suddenly, he heard a snap, followed by several more, and decided to investigate. Soon enough, he found the only other being in Canterlot capable of that particular feat. "Hey Diz. What are you up to?"

The draconequus turned to face his good friend.
"Ah, Nick! I was just setting up a prank for some folks I know. I'm enchanting some words somewhere to do something hilarious!"

"I don't see words, or books getting changed. Are you long-range pranking Sparky again?"

Discord sighed. "No, I did that yesterday. To be honest, I'm not sure you could understand what I'm up to without a finer understanding of the multiverse and theories on alternate realities."

"So you're pranking an eldritch horror, then. Are you sure that's a good move?"

"Oh please, those guys adore a good joke! You just don'tknow them like I do. But I'm not after them this time. They'll know when it hits them.
How are you, Nick?"

The human shrugged. "A little down, honestly. I've been trying to plan another cake raid but Celly's always one step ahead! Just once, I'd like to pull a fast one on her. Any ideas?"

Discord put a talon to his chin, stroking his goatee for a moment before snapping his fingers and triumphantly declaring his answer. "Metapranking!"

"Meaning...?"

"Nick, dear boy, you need to be one step ahead of sunbutt being one step ahead of you! Next time you go after her cakes, actually make it an entirely different prank! Make going after those precious pastries an afterthought. She'll never know what hit her, and it will make her think you gave up on the prize, and she'll lower security!"

"That's... actually not a bad idea." The human thought for a moment before continuing. "Hey, what's up with you being so open and cooperative today, Diz? Normally you speak in crazy riddles, limericks and half-truths."

"That's the nature of chaos, my boy! Some days I'm more annoying than a rock stuck in your shoe, other days I'm more like a a paperclip who's far more willing to give obvious advice than you'd like. And everything in between!" He twirled in the air, corkscrewing around enthusiastically.

"Wait, did you just lowkey insult me?"

"Yes and no an no and yes. Anyhow, I better get going before my latest parnk victims come after me. Maybe I'llgo hide for a few pranks. Ta-ta, Nicky!" He held out his lion paw and Nick shook it. The two joy buzzers on each appendage met and cancelled each other out, making the pair laugh over the accidental failure. "Here, take this, Nick you'll need it." He handed Nick a grappling hook that he pulled from nowhere. And with that, the mishmash of animal parts proofed off to parts unkown.

"Heh. Well, I suppose I better get planning for the next big prank. I wonder if I can rope in Twilight.
Wait... that's genius! If I play my cards right, I can get that pony in on it! Celly won't know what hit her. But I'll need an excuse to go visit her. Oh well, I'll figure something out and-"

"Ape! What are you doing interrupting my daily walk through the gardens? I expect to not be interrupted, and I find your ugly visage in my path! Explain yourself!"

Nick turned to face a very irate Blueblood. "Uh... well, you see..." Nick shot the grappling hook at a nearby tower instead of continuing. But instead of carrying him off, the end of the chain disconnected from the firing mechanism, a piece of cloth on the end of it. Wrapping around Blueblood's flank, the chain quickly shortened, giving the prince the mother of all atomic wedgie as he dangled over the moat. It was clear that he'd end up soaked in moments if he tried to get free.

"Huh. Guess I did need this after all."

"This isn't over, ape! When I tell auntie Celestia, she will have your flank!"

"I think she'll sooner laugh hers off first, Blue!"
Nick wandered off, plans forming in his head. "Still, I wonder who Discord was pranking? It sure wasn't me."](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Author's Note

Discord is always up to some shenanigans. Don't trust him.

Take me out to the ball game

"So, that's the plan. You in or out, Pinkie?"

"Nicky, if you think for even a second I'm gonna miss out on a shot at comparing my baking to the royal chefs, you're crazier than Discord! I am one-fundred percent in!" Pinkie cheered. "But how did you get all the way to ponyville without the princesses knowing?"

"Oh, they know I'm here. They just think I'm here to drive Sparky up-the-walls bonkers with an old joke from my world. Like, almost a century old."

"Oh! Well, if you're gonna go after her, let me know how it goes! And while you're here, why not order some snacks?" She leaned against the counter, smiling. "Each cupcake comes with a free cupcake!"

Nick pondered for a moment. "Odd way of saying 'buy one, get one free', but sure. Give me... uh... two of those vanilla ones with the blue frosting. Looks like it's three bits."

Pinkie gathered up the requested treats and put them on the counter enthusiastically. "Alright, do you wa-"

"DON'T. YOU. DARE."

The doors of the cutie map room swung wide as Nick pushed in, and Twilight looked up from her notes to greet him. "Nick! I heard you were visiting today. How are things in Canterlot? Anything fall apart? No angry mobs?"

"What kind of town do you live in that those are normal questions, Sparks? Seriously. But I'm fine, ya crazy purple bookworm." He walked over and ruffled her mane with a hand before scratching her ears. "Any cool science on this side of the mountain?"

"Nothing you'd understand without college-level understanding of magic, and I know you aren't there yet, so I'll just say I made a spell that lets me teleport better."

"And the old one doesn't work as well?"

"It's complicated, but it's just more efficient on my mana reserves and moves the target futher. I plan to use it to help set up for the CMC's baseball game next week. They never stop helping all those foals who haven't earned cutiemarks yet."

"Oh, baseball? I was on a baseball team once. We all had nicknames. Nicknaming players is a time honored tradition in human baseball."

"What were their nicknames?"

"No, What was one of their nicknames. He played second base. The others had different nicknames. Like, he played left field."

"Who played left field? You just said he played second, and I don't know who played second base!"

Nick threw his arms up in faux annoyance. "Sparky, slow down! You're getting it all wrong. Who was on first!"

"I'm asking who was on second, Nick!"

"What was!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"HE PLAYED THIRD BASE, YOU PURPLE GOOF!"

"BUT-" Twilight took a moment to catch her breath. "Alright, I have a feeling that there's a miscommunication here. Why don't we start over? Nicholas Abernathy, my dear friend, please tell me the name of the player that defended first base."

"The name of the player who defended first base?" Nick asked. Twilight nodded, her mane and tail beginning to fray slightly. "Oh, he played centerfield."

"No, WHO PLAYED FIRST BASE?!"

Nick clapped his hands happily. "Now you're getting it! Who was on first."

"That's not what I mean- wait a minute..."

"Would you be upset if I told you Wait a Minute played was our right fielder?"

Twilight pulled out a pen and paper and started writing notes. "No, hang on, I got this. You said 'Who' was on first, right?"

It only took a few minutes for Twilight to figure it out after that. "I gotta admit, Sparky. You were hilariously mad at first, but I've never seen you deconstruct an argument that fast, and I made it harder than the original with more names!"

"Well, once I got the trick, the answers just fell into place. So, correct me if I'm wrong here.
'Who' was on first base. 'What' was the second baseman, and 'I don't know' was on third."

Nick nodded. "Correct so far. That's as far as the origional joke went, though."

"Well, I'm sure it was funny the first time! Maybe we should try something similar on Rainbow, she'd take ages to get it. Moving on, 'Like' played left field. 'Wait a Minute' took up right field, and 'The name of the player who defended first base' was the centerfielder. Clever with that one. So, who was the pitcher?"

"No, he played first."

"Nick..."

"Fine. The answer is We didn't have a pitcher."

"Who... no. Which player threw the ball then?"

"The pitcher, obviously."

Twilight stomped the ground. "You just said there was no pitcher!"

Nick grinned again. "No, I said our pitcher was 'We didn't have a pitcher'. You need to listen better, Sparky."

Twilight grinded her teeth in frustration. "Fine. I suppose I should have seen that coming. Now, what was the name of your catcher?"

"I forget."

"Nice try."

Nick seemed to deflate a bit, beaten. "Dang. Thought I'd get you with that one."

"Aw, feel better. Now, did you have a designated hitter?"

"Oh, his name was ...."

Not long after, Nick appeared above the Canterlot Castle moat and fell in. Swimming back to the surface, he took a deep breath. "Whew! She really did improve that teleport, didn't she?"

Author's Note

~~Inspired by~~ Ripped from Abbot and Costello's famous skit, "Who's on First".

Munched 5: Mission Impossimunch

"I must admit, it's always a pleasure to see you, Cadence. How are things in the Crystal Empire?"

Cadence looked back over the table at her fellow princess and long-time friend. "Oh, nothing major right now. We're preparing for the crystal faire in a few weeks, but besides that there have been no major diplomatic incidents. Still, it's nice to get a break and spend time here. Nick and Pinkie Pie even agreed to watch Flurry Heart for the day! Isn't that sweet of them?"

"Aw, that's nice. Nick always loves the foals that visit the castle, and I trust Pinkie wholeheartedly. Besides, what kind of trouble could they get into with a foal?" Mused Celestia.

Nick was halfway down the hall in another room, preparing for a big heist. "Hold still, Pinkie! Stop jittering for three seconds and help me get this harness around little miss wings here."

"Arness! Arness!"

"Yes, a harness! We're gonna use it to get cake. Say cake, Flurry!"

"Ake!"

"Good girl!"

Flurry heart was confused as to what big pink pony and bigger furless thing were doing with her, but mama liked them so they must be fine! They were putting something snug like a hug around her torso and attaching a long string to it.

"Are you sure this will work, Nicky?"

"It's called a plan, not an improv. Let's get going. It's go time. Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the pastry storage of Dr. Sunbottom and steal the biggest cake in her supply. Ready, team?"

"You bet, Nicky!" "I Weddy!"

And so, the three set off. Clambering up into the vents, they crawled through the air ducts towards their prize, the precious cake room. Pinkie's mouth began to water as they drew closer. "So how do you plan to sneak a cake out, Nicky? Celestia keeps security pretty tight on her cakes."

Nick pet Flurry's mane and nudged her forward to keep up, keeping the little princess in front of him but behind Pinkie. "Simple. This time, we won't. Her entire security force plans for someone taking the cakes and running. And I fail time and time again because I can't outrun her. But if we eat the cakes before she can even get in the room..."

"She can't stop us! Nicky, you're a genius!" Pinkie whispered back. "So, what's the attack plan?"

"We rappel you down and swing you around to get cake. And Flurry is our emergency plan." The three reached the vent leading into the cake room, and Nick pried the vent open. "Hopefully we won't need to use her. Ready to deploy, Pinkie?"

"Yes sir!" Pinkie all but dove into the room, Nick pulling the rope to help keep her steady, and swung her around to grab cakes. She grabbed a few and Nick pulled her up to drop some off before going back for round two. With enough to go around, Nick pulled some plates and utensils from his backpack, and they ate happily in the vents.

Cadence sipped her tea calmly. "Well, Celestia, that was a very productive meeting. I hope the new mountain pass will help the trains run faster, but it's still a work in progress. Still, it should improve trade. Now, wanna go fawn over little Flurry?"

"Absolutely!" Celestia got up happily to go see her grandniece. The little bundle of energy never failed to make her smile. Celestia approached the door and walked in first. "Hello Flurry, auntie Cel- FLURRY?!" To her horror, the crib was empty, there was no trace of the human and pony sitters, and the vent over her crib was left open. It almost seemed like an attack!

That was, at least, until Flurry was slowly lowered in full espionage gear down into view, holding a cupcake. Celestia knew what was going on immediately, but Cadence... Cadence seemed like she was hyperventilating. "Oh... oh my Celestia... Flurry... you... you're...

SO ADORABLE!"

"Mama! Fwurry sooper spi naow!"

Celestia and Cadence squee'd at how cute their little master thief was. They enveloped her in a wing hug, more than happy to let her finish her sugary snack. But Celestia's horn lit, and she tried to grab at the figures in the vents to prevent their escape.
Sadly, she was too busy gushing over the little alicorn, and Nick and Pinkie were long gone from the room.

"Guards! Search the premises. I want those two found and thrown in the moat again!"

The guards saluted, and were off on their hunt. Nearly every corner of the castle was scoured as they checked all of the human's regular hiding spots, but nothing. And that's because he wasn't hiding at all.

"I can't believe they still haven't checked here," Nick noted as he dug into another slice and passed another slice to his cohort. He and Pinkie had been cutting tiny slivers off of every cake to sample them, and were up to cake number 35. "Then again, not even Luna dares to come in here, so I shouldn't be so surprised. We can escape later tonight when everything has calmed down."

"Mission accomplished, then?" Pinkie inquired.

"For you, yes. But I have one last thing to do." He pulled a jar of mayonnaise out of his backpack, targeting an untouched cake. "Swap my icing with wasabi, will you Celly? Well, let's see how you like it!"

Author's Note

My favorite cakes are ice cream cakes, pancakes, and vanilla cupcakes.

I don't like chocolate cake, though.

Tell your friends or else

Canterlot was in a panic. Ponies were scrambling to give papers to anypony who wasn't holding one, and it was pandemonium. Even the princesses were shying away from anypony offering a paper to them directly. A few brave souls were taking papers from others... for the right price. Nick was walking through the market when one was shoved into his hands. "I'm so sorry, mister human!" The mare cried before running off.

Nick sighed. He didn't even need to look at the paper to know what it said, and it was a prime example of Twilight being way too gullible and bad planning on his part. He glances down at the paper. It read as follows:

'Warning! Or you will lose your magic, even if you only read the word Warning! A horrible curse has been placed upon this paper, that will cause the reader to lose all their natural magics in their sleep a week from now unless they act quickly! You must make two copies of this paper and give them to other ponies who have not yet taken one, or you lose your magic! If you do give away two copies, you will have good luck for a year. Beware! You must carry the paper with you as your good luck charm or lose your magic anyway!'

Nick let a sigh escape his lips. It had been a long few days, but soon it would be a month since this started, and ponies would begin to realize the hoax. He only prayed they never found out how it started.

"So ponies... er, people, just fall for this?" Twilight reviewed the paper and frowned. There was no way humans could be that stupid.

Nick shrugged. "People are superstitious, Sparky. Remember when you and the girls thought Zecora was gonna eat you? This is similar."

"Still, I highly doubt a... chain letter, as you call it, could prove this destructive. Regardless, no need to keep it out." Twilight rolled up the scroll Nick had written the 'cursed message' on, placing it on the table seperate from the other important scrolls she had laid out. "Rainbow or maybe some foals would fall for it, sure, but no other ponies. Come on, let's go get lunch before I head off on that monthlong trip to Marecico. I want to get a quesadilla to have a baseline for when I get there!"

"I could go for a taco, sure. Let's go, Sparky! And maybe you can bring me back something from your trip."

As the two left for a happy lunch together, Twilight called out. "Spike! I'm going to go out for that friendship summit, hold down the fort for me! There's some scrolls I need you to send to Celestia upstairs. I'll see you in a month!"

Spike entered the room in question and began sending the scrolls. As he turned to watch the train leave the station a few hours later, he noticed one seperate from the rest. "Huh, I must have missed one," he mused. And off it went.

Everything went wrong mere hours later. Celestia had found the scroll amid the ones from Twilight, and assumed it to be cursed with dark magic she couldn't detect. So she passed it off to two brave guards, who were willing to lose their magic so the sun could continue to rise, but then they chickened out and passed it on to their rivals. And their rivals didn't willingly take the 'curse', they flipped and got rid of it as soon as possible, then those ponies passed out to two more each... Before noon the next day it had reached local news, and was spreading rapidly. Nick tried to tell Celestia and the others it was a hoax, but all that got him was a response of "Nick, you don't understand magic, or the threat losing your magic poses. Leave it to the professionals."

So Nick waited, knowing that eventually somepony wouldn't be able to pass it off in time and they could all laugh it off. Discord certainly found it hilarious.

Still, there was one other hope, and it had just pulled into the train station. "Ahhh, it's good to be back in... WHAT HAPPENED TO PONYVILLE?!" Twilight cast her gaze over the pandemonium and found Nick walking towards her calmly. "Nick, what happened?"

"The ponies are being gullible as usual."

"What do you mean?" Before she could ask anything else, a blur flew by and stuffed a paper in her mouth. She took it out and read it, eyes widening in shock. "Nick..."

"I know, this is not my best moment..." he rubbed his hair abashedly.

"What are you talking about? We never showed that to anypony, this MUST have been sent by a malevolent force! I have to get to Canterlot and stop this before ponies lose their magic! ItwasgoodseeingyouNickgottagobye!" She flew off towards Canterlot like a rocket, leaving a small snow globe from her trip in Nick's hands. He idly shook it and watched the glitter fall.

"Sigh... I wonder if I should throw myself in the moat now and avoid the trouble later..."

Author's Note

Warning! Read this story at your own risk, lest ye laugh so hard you run out of breath!

Annoying posts like that are something I used to see all the time on the internet. Clearly this would not go over well in ponyland.

Also, sorry I havent been posting but I've been on vacation and also got sick from some food :pinkiesick: but I'm better now!

Tell Pinkie or Else

"Pinkie Pie!" Nick barged into the only business still running during all the chaos and papers flying around outside, Sugarcube Corner. The overly excitable party pony stood behind the counter like nothing was wrong, decorating some cookies with icing.

"Nicky! It's been too long since I've seen you! And we should totally have an 'I haven't seen you in 27 and a half days' party! We can invite everypony and have cake and ice cream and balloons and make everypony forget about those papers that arent real!"

Nick took a moment to process what the hyperactive cake maker was saying, but it clicked after a good twenty seconds. "Wait, you know those were fake? Nopony else has figured it out!"

Pinke hopped up on the counter and pointed to her tail, ears, and right hoof. "Duh, my Pinkie sense went off as soon as I got a paper to tell me it was smart to keep it, and that was two weeks ago and I still have my Earth pony magic! So it has to be fake. How did you know, Nicky?" She pulled a bright lamp out of nowhere and the lights dimmed like an interrogation scene. "Spill the beans, Nicky boy! Just not over there, I just cleaned up!"

Nick threw his hands up in defeat. "Alright, alright! I was showing Twilight how some humans were gullible enough to believe stuff like this, and somehow it got out to the public without either of us knowing! Now everyone is in a freakout because they are beginning to realize there won't be anypony left to give papers to soon, and..." Nick put a hand to his chin in thought.

"Ooo, oooh! Are we playing charades? I know that one, that's Nicky having an idea!"

"Yup, I most certainly have an idea, but I need to think for a moment on how to pull it off because there's no way I could rally that much support that fast." Pinkie let the human have a minute to think, even giving him one of the freshly baked cookies to munch on. She was about to go and leave him to think when he triumphantly snapped his fingers. "Eureka! I've got it!"

Pinkie excitedly bounced up to him. "You figured out how to fix the mess? That's fast, almost like a story that has too short chapters! What's your idea, and how do we make a friendship lesson out of it?"

Nick ruffled the mare's mane and grinned. "I think our lesson is going to be 'what was once a mistake can help you in the future'. As for how to stop it... How would you like to do somethin incredibly reckless and stupid, Pinkie?"

"Sounds like fun. Let me get Gummy and we can go!"

"Twilight, please tell me you made a mistake in the math for once in your life," Celestia pleaded to her former student.

Luna frowned and looked over the blackboards scattered around the room. "We are afraid it is true, sister. With only ten days before the curse takes effect, and assuming everypony who can pass it on to two more will do so, 'tis only a year's time before two-thirds of Equis has lost its magic to this curse."

"And it's not like we can get one or two ponies to volunteer to not pass it on," Twilight continued. "Early on, sure, but with how widespread it is right now it would take an army of volunteers to take them all. And there's no way we can convince over three thousand ponies to just take on a curse like that!"

Suddenly, a low rumbling shook the castle. Noises could be heard from outside, almost like a stampede, and it resonated in the meeting room to reach the ears of those present. "Do you hear that? We should go investigate, quickly! I don't like putting a critical meeting on hold, but this seems like a more immediate threat!" Celestia and her fellow princesses rushed outside into the castle courtyard, still holding their copies of the cursed paper, and heard something big approaching the gates. They could hear a chanting, first distant and incomprehensible, but at it approached it grew in volume, louder and louder, until it reached the castle gates.

"Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Fun! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papel! Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers!" The gates held for all of three seconds before a flood of Pinkie Pies collapsed the entrance and some of the castle walls under their collective weight, each chanting 'Papers' over and over. They each swarmed anypony they could find holding a cursed paper or two, tearing it away before moving on to the next like a swarm of locusts. Within a minute they swept the courtyard, princesses included, and within ten more the castle was curse-free. Onward they charged into Canterlot, ready to wipe the gullible ponies' self-inflicted panic right from their hooves. Nick and the real pinkie, identifiable by a new scarf and Gummy in her mane blinking absentmindedly, walked up to the royals.

"We fixed your problem Sparky. You deal with the mirror pool clones, I didn't have time to think of how to fix that side effect."

"Nicholas! Pinkie!" Luna nearly cheered their names in joy. "We are so pleased that thou hast solved the issue of collecting the cursed papers! Thou shall be awarded medals and be called heroes, and we shall commission a window in thine honor as well!"

"Luna is right. You two have handled this crisis quite well, once we get all the other Pinkies taken care of," Celestia chimed in. "Just be sure we do not lose track of the real Pinkie, although I assume that's what Gummy is doing, so as long as we make sure he knows who his owner is we should be fine."

"You two saved the day!" Twilight exclaimed.

Pinkie tried to interrupt. "But it wasn't a real cur-" a human nudged her in the ribs to stop her talking.

"Thanks Luna, we'll take it!"

Author's Note

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
Help, they've invaded the Author's notes!
Nevermind, it's too late! Save yourselves!
:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Rise and shine

Princess Celestia all but skipped into the dining hall, chipper as could be. She turned and greeted her two closest friends in the castle with a smile on her face. "Good morning, Luna! Good morning, Nick! I hope you slept well! Are you ready for another amazing day?"

"Put that oversized candle back below the horizon for another hour, Celly."

"COFFEE."

Nick and Luna shambled along, using each other for support. The castle staff gave them a wide berth as they made their way to the table, plopping down in their seats.

"Did you two stay up all night playing Ogres and Oubliettes again? You two need to start getting to bed at a reasonable hour, it might help," the elegant princess reccomended. In return, her sister and the human shot her a withering death glare as the servants brought them strong, sugar-loaded coffee in stark contrast to Celestia's mild tea.

"You know we've tried that, Celestia. Lu a and I just end up having more sleep and still are like this. I keep telling you the only solution is to let us sleep in..." Nick wearily remarked. He seemed to have trouble sitting up straight, his body swaying in an unseen breeze as he did his nest impression of Gummy, eyes blinking one at a time.

"MORE COFFEE..." Bellowed Luna, nearly reaching the Royal Canterlot Voicetm. The staff scrambled to their hooves for more of the energizing beverage, hoping Luna wouldn't raise her voice more in anger. They brought two more mugs for her, she downed the first faster than most ponies can chug cider and began nursing the second.

Celestia sighed, shaking her head sadly. "Never change, you two. You work so well together. But seriously, you need to start being more alert in the mornings." She trotted off to go start day court, leaving the two exhausted pals to slowly regain their composure.

Luna slammed her head into the table, groaning. "Nopony should have to get up at this hour."

"At least I get to go back to bed, since I can claim human sleep schedules are different and get away with it under the endangered species laws. You have court to get to."

"Thy..." Luna stifled a yawn. "Thy job, Nicholas, is to partake in our little prank battle. Perhaps we could figure out a way to make her suffer as we have?" She turned to face Nick, but he was already out cold, using his fluffy pancakes as a decent pillow.

That night, Celestia nestled herself under the covers and prepared to go to sleep. And yet for some reason, as she lay there in bed, she could not find the usual tiredness she often felt creeping up on her at that time. It was odd, but not that far out there. It only began to worry her, though, as an entire hour passed by and she still barely even batted an eye. She tossed and turned for another hour before finally standing up and trotting to the window and gazing out into the night sky. She felt jittery, not knowing why.

Luna and Nick, meanwhile, were watching via a scrying spell from her tower. "I can't believe this is working so well. Do you think she's noticed the caffine buzz, or just thinks she's oddly awake?"

"We think she does not realize, Nicholas. How did you sneak that much caffine into her system?"

"I replaced the coffee in all the coffee cake in her dessert at dinner with espresso."

"Thou art a genius."

"Thanks, Luna. Now let's get some sleep so we can rub it in her face tomorrow."

Celestia trudged into the dining hall with bags under her eyes, a slightly disheveled mane, and other signs of exhaustion caused by caffine withdrawal.

"Good morning Celestia! How are you?" Luna greeted her sister cheerfully. She and Nick were actually tired, but were keeping the facade of a cheery morning.

"Oh, Luna. Nick... I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Honestly I need something to wake me up. I hate to ask, but do you have any spare coffee? I don't often partake, but I think I might need it."

"I've got something better, Celly!" Nick reached under the table and to the shock of both princesses, pulled a very familiar, very chaotic instrument.

"Nick, if you dare say the phrase..."

"I dare. What could possibly go wrong?"

As the royals split up to chase down the human and contain the mess from the discordiam tuba as it began spraying silly string everywhere, Celestia had to admit it at least woke her up...

Author's Note

I had to get up at 3am to catch my flight home from vacation.
I hated it. But it inspired this, at least.
Not my strongest or longest chapter because I'm still tired.:ajsleepy:

Prankster lessons: Being #1

In a room in Canterlot Castle few dared to tread, where even the princesses thought twice before entering, two shady figures were discussing a deal. One, a unicorn, was dwarfed by the other, taller biped.

The two legged creature spoke first. "So, it is agreed, then? I get to get away with a bit more around here, and in exchange I teach you how to prank better?"

"I will look the other way ONCE and only once for each lesson you give me, you vile creature. Do not make me lessen your reward."

"Fine, then. It's a deal." They shook their appendages in agreement. "Now then," he said to the pony, "I'll need a general understanding of where I need to start. Do you consider yourself a prankster?"

"Um... I don't really think so. I just need to get back at a few of my acquaintances."

"Alright. Have you ever pulled a prank on somepony, like a real prankster?"

"No, um, er, nah."

The tall being sighed. "Have you ever tried a prank at all?"

The pony shook his head.

"Alright!" With a snap of his talons, Discord illuminated Blueblood's room. For some reason, Blueblood noticed both were suddenly fully clothed in vests and too-high pants with purple and blue vertical stripes. "I can see that I will have to teach you how to be... a prankster!" Discord pulled out a plastic saxophone and began to play a tune, but Blueblood stopped him.

"What in the world are you doing?! And why are we wearing these ridiculous clothes?"

"Relax, Prince Nofun. We are merely wearing the attire of the true number one trap maker, even better than the late Mr. Werbenyagermanjenson! Good thing too, I wasn't about to take his soda hat."

"The true number one trap maker, you say? Well then, let's get started, creature! I have a date tomorrow, and I'd prefer to humiliate that ape by tonight! I've heard he recently acquired a huge stash of candy from that backwater town of ponyville and and I plan to show him that I can succeed in taking it with far less effort than he puts in trying to take auntie Celestia's cakes! I will show that ape that I am the better prankster, and then my aunts will finally make him leave the castle!"

"Sure, sure. Let's get moving, and show the world that we are number one! Hey!"

Nick wandered around the gardens aimlessly, carrying a massive sack on his back. It was somewhat obscured by its folds, but the word 'CANDY' was clearly visible on it. Blueblood and Discord hid ahead of his path, Blueblood holding a tripwire. "Alright, so what we need to do in order to trip that ape up is pull this tripwire when he walks by!"

"When I agreed to help you, I did not expect to be used as a supply store for your 'genius pranks'."

"I'll look the other way on your antics once per prank." Before Discord could reply, Nick approached and Blueblood signaled to pull the wire. Unfortunately, Nick stepped directly onto it instead of tripping over it, sending Blueblood toppling forward into the mud. Not even noticing, Nick walked off, humming some tune about pirates and freedom to himself.

Blueblood picked himself up from the mud, and Discord quickly wiped him off (after snapping a photograph). "No matter, we will get him yet. Come along, I have another idea! But we will need supplies."

Discord opened his mouth and his voice came out distorted, like an out of date intercom. "Welcome to McDiscord's. May I take your order?"

Nick continued to wander the grounds, his sack a tad smaller from giving some of its contents to the nobility's foals along his journey. Discord and Blueblood teleported in ahead of him and quickly set up the next prank: a spring-loaded trap tile in the floor marked with a blatant 'X' designed to fling him into the moat. "Now, be very quiet, however quiet a creature like you can be," Blueblood nearly spat at his temporary ally. "Be careful not to make a sound."

CRUNCH

Blueblood flipped his glare back to the draconequus, who had somehow managed to step on a very large branch that hadn't been there moments before. "Don't touch that!" He hissed. "Here he comes!"

Nick briskly walked by with a spring in his step, even skipping along for a moment and landing directly on the trap. It sprung, launching him into the air for a graceful triple front flip, before he continued on.

"Why did that not work?!" Blueblood trotted over to the spring panel and pushed it back down. It didn't trigger again. "Now the blasted thing's broken!" He stood on top of it and began hopping up and down. "Come on, you blasted peice of garba-"

Without warning, the trap sprung again, sending the prince careening through the window and into the moat below. Discord floated down to meet him, holding a plastic bag emblazoned with a logo for 'Walla-Walla-Walla-Walla Mart'. "Well, that went wrong. Thankfully I went out and just found this net," he pulled a fishing net out of the bag, "think it might help?"

A few minutes and a toweling off later, the two stalked Nick as he spoke with the princesses, his Camdy sack nearly empty from handing the treats out to foals. Blueblood sneered as he watched Nick pass something from the bag to Celestia and Luna. Nick, on the other hand, was eating a fresh banana.

"Look at that ape, eating bananas like the monkey he is. Still have that net?" Discord nodded. "Good. When I say go, be ready to throw! Go!"

Discord got into a throwing position but did nothing else. "Okay, I am ready to throw! Now what?"

"Oh, forget it! I'll do it myself." He grabbed the net and approached the human, but Nick chose that moment to throw the banana peel behind him. Discord chuckled as the prince slipped on it and got caught in his own net, tumbling to the floor in a heap.

"Blueblood?" Nick turned and asked, surprised. The sisters chuckled at their slightly muddy, damp, and entangled nephew.

"Rgh... you accursed ape. I am the better prankster! Just give up now. Surrender your candy or face my pranking wrath!"

Nick put his hands up in faux terror. "Oh, no! Alright, alright. Here. If you wanted one, you could have just asked. There's only one left, though." He passed the bag to the prince, who untangled himself from the netting and tore the bag open.

"What?! There's only an apple in here!"

"Uh, yeah." Nick pointed to the bag, its lettering fully visible now. 'SPORT CANDY'. "The princesses asked me to try and help the noble foals get excited about eating healthy, so I took inspiration from a show I knew."

Discord twirled in the air around Nick. "Well well, Nickacus, seems you kept the foals from being lazy today. But you won't be so lucky next time. Be cause we are number one! Hey, hey!" He struck a pose, but managed to hit Blueblood and send him flying out over a balcony and back into the moat. The four shared a laugh.

Nick grinned. "You really are number one today, Diz. Thanks for helping me teach Blueblood a lesson in pranking."

"Always happy to put that rotten robber of the less fortunate's taxes in his place. Now how about we all go bake a cake? I know a few recipies, and as long as we cook by the book it should come out great!"

"As long as Celly saves us a slice, sure!"

Author's Note

I don't know why now, but I felt it was time to give tribute to the real #1. He may have been a villain in his original show, but he became a hero in our eyes. Rest in peace, Stefán. You are dearly missed.

Also threw in a spongebob reference to the previous #1. It was his hat, after all.

All aboard the hype train

Celestia wandered the halls of her castle, looking for her younger sibling and the rest of her closest friends. It had been hours since she had seen them last, and it was beginning to worry her as it was time for Luna to raise the moon and she hadn't yet. Deciding to take a moment, she stopped and turned to one of the bowing guardsmares.

"Excuse me, Shimmer Shield. Have you seen Luna, Nick or Twilight anywhere? I fear I have lost track of them."

The guard saluted, and replied. "Your majesty, I actually saw them enter the third floor conference room at the start of my shift seven hours ago. They have yet to emerge."

Celestia looked at the door in question, one of the next she was planning to check. "...I see. Do you have any idea why they haven't come out yet? There isn't anything in there beyond a table and chairs."

Shimmer Shield regretfully shook her head. "No, I can't say for sure. Although I keep hearing what sounds like rolling dice? Does that help at all?"

"Yes, and I know what's going on. The new Ogres and Oubliettes expansion came out today. I can't believe I forgot!"

Celestia bid farewell to the guard and entered the conference room. She gasped, the place was a mess. Character sheets were scattered all over the room, along with discarded pencil stubs and enough oddly shaped dice to make anypony slip on the floor. Only Twilight would need a 37-sided die, along with every other number of sides from 3 to 100, Celestia thought to herself.

Nick, Twilight, and Luna were all laying amid rulebooks and half-painted figurines, each one in different levels of exhaustion. Twilight's eyes were bloodshot from reading her player guide and the new bestiary for the twelfth time. Luna seemed a little dizzy, trying and failing to paint the finer details onto a miniature pegasus assassin. Nick had put in a valiant effort, but lay passed out and drooling using Luna's side as a pillow and holding Spike as a rather jaded, unwilling stuffed animal replacement.

Celestia caustiously strode into the room, narrowly avoiding stepping on a d4 and hurting her hooves, and addressed her friends. "I should have known you all would end up like this. Every time there's a new expansion, or whatever you call it, you three barely get any sleep for a whole week running a new campaign!"

Twilight didn't even look up. "SSSSHHHH!"

"And Luna, you needed to raise the moon an hour ago-" Luna's horn lit. In the span of three seconds the moon rocketed into the sky, placed in the wrong spot with the wrong moon phase and no fanfare in the slightest. The next instant, Celestia found herself teleported back out into the hallway with the door slamming shut behind her. She opened the door, irritated, and trotted back in.

"That's it, I'm cutting you all off." Celestia grasped the three loosely in her magic, but almost immediately Twilight turned to her former mentor and literally growled, with bared teeth. Luna whipped her head around as well, and tossed the failed figurine at her sister, nailing her on the muzzle. Nick shuffled in his sleep, mumbling, and pulled Spike closer.

Unfortunately, this caused Spike to release a blast of fire in surprise, which not only lit Twilight's tail ablaze, but also sent several dozen failed character sheets to Celestia. Which wouldn't have been a problem unless she dove forward to snuff out the flames on her former student's tail, which cause a huge surge of magic as papers appeared in front of her only to be sent again via the still-burning flames.

That massive surge of magic caused a massive explosion of force, sending the group, their reading materials, all the miniatures and dice, and any hope of a peaceful evening flying out the window and into the cold moat below.

Nick managed to wake, react, and surface first due to being built for swimming more than ponies were. "What in Tartarus happened? Where the heck am I?"

"Noooo! My campaign notes and plotline!" Twilight wailed, having breached into the open air shortly after. "It's all ruined! The books are all RUINED!"

"You are safe though, right Twilight?" Celestia sputtered out as she reached the pair. She had taken time to rescue Spike as well.

"But, the books!"

"WHO DARES PUT OUR MOON IN THE SKY WITHOUT PERMISSION?!" Roared the midnight blue alicorn as she gazed at the night sky.

"You did, Luna. You, and Nick, and Twilight were so caught up in your new game that you were all in a sort of trance, and didn't notice."

Luna blushed. "Oh. Here, allow us to fix that mistake." With a glow from her horn, the moon corrected itself, and the five friends clambered onto the shore.

"Ugh... I guess our hype train derailed, huh Sparky?" Nick asked rhetorically.

"I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about taking breaks and not letting a game consume your lives," remarked Celestia.

"Of course!" The two ponies and humans replied.

"Good, because I was worri-"

"Until the next expansion, at least!"

The sound of Celestia's immediate facehoof was loud enough to be heard from Ponyville.

Author's Note

"Hey Ashfur, you need to write more chapters, put Let's Go down."

"But I pet the Eevee."

"Write more chapters."

"PET DA EEVEE"

Let's go, Woona!

"And with the recent subsidiaries, we should be able to finish the orphanage ahead of schedule. I thank you, your majesty, for your generosity and undying commitment to the foals." The stallion bowed respectfully to Luna. "We are in your debt."

Princess Luna sat really upon the throne of the night court and calmly gave her reply. "There is no need, Day Care. We have always watched over and protected the young and innocent of our kingdom. Even at our worst, Nightmare Moon would not dare harm them. Some nights we yearn for a return to the wide-eyed wonder of a foal, but such things are but dreams."

A chuckle echoed through the room, bearing a voice that hadn't been there before. "That can be arranged."

Nick yawned and got up out of his bed, and went to the bathroom to get ready for a new day. But when he opened the door into the usually decent sized bathroom, he found it much larger and full of lab equipment. As well as a lab-rador retriever.

"Good morning, my boy!" Discord poofed in wearing a lab coat and oddly, slippers. "How are you today? Now, I have a series of brief questions for you. Ahem... Areyouaboyoragirlwhatsyournamewhatismygrandsonsnamehowmanylicksdoesittaketogettothetootsierollcenterofatootsiepopwhatversionareyouplayingredbluetelloworgreenwhendoesthenarwhalbacondoyouwanttodisableadsfor$19.95anddidyounotcatchallthatorshouldinotrepeatmyselfyesorno?"

Nick blinked once, then twice. "Uh... maybe?"

"Great! Here's your starter. It's even shiny!"

"Unhand us, Discord! This ceased being funny five minutes before it began!" Nick found a filly version of Luna shoved into his hands. She was coated head to tail in green glitter fur due with a neon orange mane, but it was still her, and she looked pissed off.

"Well, got a go! Things to do, folks to pester ball. Smell you later!" And he was gone, the bathroom snapping back to normal.

"Uh-"

"Don't start, Nicholas. Not. One. Word."

Nick looked down at the fuming Luna. "You uh... want me to run a bath so I can get that out of your fur?"

"Yes. And we would prefer if thou dost not speak of this to our sister." A quick bath later and Luna was dry and happily munching on some crackers from Nick's snack drawer. "We thank thee, Nicholas Abernathy. Thou art a good friend and- ART THOU PETTING US?!" She quickly turned to face her human friend, who was causally running his hand through her mane.

"But you're so soft! Imma pet you." Nick patted Luna gently on the head.

"We are not a foal, Nicholas! Unhand us at once! We..." Luna yawned, an adorable squeaking noise coming from her mouth. She blushed. Nick nearly fell over due to excessive cute. "Ignore that, Nicholas! 'Tis a royal order!"

"Let me think about that. Hmmmmno. Too cute, I must pet you. Not passing this up!" He held Luna close and nuzzled her, all the while she feebly battered his chest with her tiny soft hooves.

"Cease this affection at once! We demand that thee" *grumble*

Luna glared at Nick. "Aw, is da widdle woona hungwy?"

"NO."

"But you sound hungry... or maybe you just want a belly rub?"

Luna huffed, her cheeks puffing out cutely. "Fine. We can go get food, but be discreet about it!" And so Nick hid Luna in his backpack and they set off for the kitchens.

Along the way, they ran into somepony they didn't expect to run into. "NICKY!" Cadence happily called out, giving Nick a big hug. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to find Luna, and hopefully soon!"

"Luna? Why are you looking for her?" Nick shifted his weight so his backpack stayed behind him. "Is this some legal thing?"

"No, Discord said I should find her as soon as possible, because she has a surprise!"

"What did that fiend tell you?!" Luna all but screamed as she burst out of the backpack. That ended up being a big mistake.

"Oh my Celestia..." Cadence looked Luna over. "Luna... you... he.. so... CUUUTE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She swept Luna up in her hooves, cradling her in protective magic so she wouldn't escape. "Ohmygosh, you look ADORABLE! I have to show you to aunt Tia, and Twilight, and Shiny, and the pictures, and then you can play with Flurry..."

"Hey! Let go of my Woona!" Cadence effortlessly tossed Nick aside with magic and flew off. As Nick chased after them, he could hear Luna screaming.

"No! Sister will never let us hear the end of this! She might even make a stained glass window for it! SAVE US FROM THE SNUGGLES, NICHOLAS!"

Nick tried to keep up, but a voice stopped him. "Well, it seems Discord got Luna as well. She should really enjoy being a foal again. Mind looking after me for a while, Nick!"

Nick picked up the white furred, pink manes alicorn foal and hugged her close. "Of course I would. Let's go, Tia!"

Author's Note

Pet da woona.
Pet da-

Ok, pet da Woona AND da Eevee...

Given the choice, would you rather play Let's Go Woona, Tia, or some other character like Twily, Dashie, Derpy, or even Chrissy?

And happy Thanksgiving to those in the USA, as I'll be busy tomorrow!

Inside/outside

"I will bet you a thousand bits that Twilight would do that, Luna."

"Tis no way in Tartarus, as the foals are saying these days. While Nicholas's theory is technically true, she is practical enough to know such an idea is preposterous. Besides, if THOU suggested it, she would be more likely to do as such, because she idolizes thee."

"Ten thousand, and we make Nick do it so there's no bias."

"Deal."

And so, Nick was sent off to the construction site in Manehattan to help Twilight on her latest friendship problem. It seems that a certain wealthy buisnesspony had chosen to build a house, and wanted the most possible interior space. Unfortunately, as Twilight's letter detailed, he was unsatisfied with any of the blueprints that she had drawn up despite all her architectural knowledge.

"Nick, welcome to Manehattan! It's great to see you. Here, I've taken the liberty of preparing a small, 50-page guide to the area we'll be working in, a series of detailed maps to the city including hotspots for optimal relaxation without any specist comments, ten books on modern architectural styles, zoning permits, and" Nick tuned the purple chatterbox out and turned to her scaly companion hovering next to her.

"Hey, Spike. How are you doing? Seems Sparky put a whole week's worth of effort into my arrival."

"The little dragon shrugged his shoulders. "Actually she put all that together last night. But I've been great, this place has a lot of comic shops and other cool places to hang out. Most of what Twilight is doing goes over my head, anyway. Unless you wanna explain what a flying buttress is?"

Nick patted the small lizard on the head. "I remember those from a course I took at college, but it's not important. Celly and Luna sent me to pull a fast one on your picky little noble friend, so we are going to have a little fun out here. Hey, Sparky!"

Twilight perked her ears up, snapping out of lecture mode. "Nick? Oh, what? Did you need something?"

"What if I told you we could make a house with the most possible inside space for less than thirty thousand bits?"

"That's... not possible! Our budget is over two million. How in the world would we... that much would barely cover the cost of the front wall!"

"You're thinking about this too one dimensionally, Sparks. Sometimes if you just change the way you see things, everything falls into place. Let me explain..."

"Who or what is this... THING, and why is it on my property?" An exasperated rich-looking pony glared daggers at the human as he surveyed the empty city block of land that was to hold the new mansion. "I do not want filthy animals on my property!"

Nick turned to greet the irate equine as he stormed over. "Ah, so you are the owner of this fine land! The name's Nick Lloyd Wright, architect extraordinaire! I was called in from a far-off land by our dear friend miss Sparkle, to help build you the ultimate dream home! Forgive me, I was merely surveying the land for the moment. A fine locale, if I may say so."

The rich, as it quickly became apparent, respected important-sounding titles. "Ou, really? My apologies, then. Has she already explained my desires?" After receiving a nod, he continued. "Excellent. Then I hope you will not disappoint."

"Oh, believe me, sir, I will do no such thing. In fact, the house is already built and up to code! I'm simply waiting for it to be delivered."

"D-delivered?" The stallion asked, bewildered. "How does one deliver a mansion?"

"Like this!" Came a call from the street. Twilight marched in, a small shed being carried in her magic. It was no larger than a one-car garage, and it even came equipped with wheels. It looked quaint, complete with windows and a tiny porch big enough to fit a single standing pony, and Ywilight wasted no time in parking it in the middle of the empty lot and attaching the water and electrical equipment to the correct locations.

The wealthy pony stared in shock, mouth hanging open. "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?! I asked for an impressive mansion, not a pathetic little shack!"

"Ah, but good sir!" Nick countered. "I have delivered exactly to your whims. At a mere 180 square feet, this little wonder will never again leave you rushing to the front door, nor scouring rooms in search of lost paperwork. And with a spacious interior full of fresh air to boot!"

"What intetior!? I specifically requested the largest possible interior space, you imbicile!"

"And we did, didn't we, Sparkle?"

"Yes, because due to a loophole in the laws of land ownership, according to the paperwork..." she opened the door and stepped through, enclosed by the small walls. She poked her head through a window and finished. "This is actually the outside, and you're inside! And think of how impressed everypony will be when you can say your garden is inside your house. It's great! Plus it only cost us twenty-eight thousand bits for all the building and paperwork. We can spend another twenty-five thousand on a landscaper to do some 'interior decorating' and pretty up the grounds, and still have two million left over from your budget!"

The wealthy pony turned back to face Nick. "Um... do you want bits, or a check?"

Dear princess Celestia,
Manehattan is great! There are so many attractions to visit, and I will be coming back home next week a million bits richer. There seems to be a sudden demand for tiny, almost minuscule houses now with big yards, though.
It has thrown the housing market for a loop and many ponies questioning their own living choices. On a side-note, please tell Lulu we told her so, and that she owes you ten thousand bits.
Your friend,
Nicholas Abernathy

Author's Note

Based on a math joke:

A farmer hires three men to build an enclosure for his sheep, the largest possible using the available fencing.

The first man builds a circle, saying it is the most efficient shape. The second man builds a straight line instead. "Assuming the length to be infinite, fencing off half the Earth is far more efficient."

"No, no, you're both wrong," Said the third man, building a miniscule square around himself. "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Squawkward

The plan was genius, its creator only somewhat. Still, this one was bound to be a prank for the ages, Nick thought to himself. Granted, it was a mean one, but he was allowed to pull poision joke pranks so this one was a step down, honestly. He turned back to the stove and tried to will the bags to spill less. It didn't work, but calmed him down anyway.

Celestia and Luna grinned as they signed on the shipment of pigeons. National birdwatching day was going to see them released into the skies, as these birds had been injured in a coastal storm and just recovered. The sisters held an evil secret behind their smiles, though, as they had other things in mind for their newfound feathered friends.

"Aaaaand.... Done! This super-duper-yummy-sticky syrup will be perfect, Dashie! This prank's gonna be off the chain!" Pinkie pie darted to and fro in Sugarcube Corner making the final preparations. "This is going to be one for the books, I guarantee it!"

"Oh, this is gonna end up great!"

Three days later and the castle gardens were abuzz with activity, from birdwatchers casual and professional to celebrities to families just there to see the sights. Bands played, carnival games ripped families off, and there was even a wonderbolt show! That last bit made a certain pegasus very, very happy. The royal sisters, Nick, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash meandered among the festivities absentmindedly, countless birds flying overhead.

"I bet Sparky would be able to figure out how many there are," Nick commented.

"Oh, please. That egghead could figure that out in ten... eleven seconds flat. Not ten, cuz that's my thing." Rainbow hovered at face level with the human, trying to count the birds above but finding herself unable to track them all. "Still, it was awesome for the Wonderbolts to show up, and the whole event seems to be going well for once." Rainbow took a moment to jokingly glare at the sisters, recalling all the parties and events at the castle that had gone wrong.

"It would have been better if they let me cater the whole thing," Pinkie interjected. "I could have decorated, too! But now it's too late. I suppose there's only one thing to say about it."

"Is it 'too bad'? Because I had something to add, as well," Announced Nick.

"We also wanted to speak with you on an important matter, Nick. Perhaps we should discuss it now." Celestia spoke with an air of authority, but it didn't have the same effect on her close friends as it did on her subjects.

"Hey! I know!" Pinkie cheered. "Let's all say our things at the same time! 3, 2, 1..."

"THINK FAST!"

It all seemed to happen in an instant. Pinkie moved first, pulling her party cannon out of nowhere and taking aim at the princesses. Celestia and Luna took action second, their horns humming with magic as they aimed at Nick. As for Nick, he pulled a pre-placed string and some miniature catapults he had hidden in the bushes launched their payloads at Pinkie and Rainbow.

By the time any of them had launched their attack, they had no time left to dodge the incoming one, and not a moment later all five were drenched in syrup and sunflower seeds.

"...ew. Wait..." Nick looked at his friends, who were having similar reactions. "Did... did we all pull the exact same prank on each other? Well, four of us are going to have to go home and change."

"Wowie-Zowie! What are the odds of all of us deciding to pull the same prank on the same day? Aaaaaaaawkwaaard." Pikie giggled at the sheer coincidence of it all. "I mean, my Pinkie sensetm told me to watch out for pranks today, but I didn't know it meant this! Hihihihi..."

Rainbow, on the other hand, was NOT pleased at all. "NICK! You are the worst! It's gonna take me days to preen all my feathers back into place. And in front of the Wonderbolts, too! You're gonna get so much payback..."

"At least Pinkie had the forethought to aim her cannon at us instead of dear Nicholas," Luna cut in. "I am unsure if his physiology is capable of taking a point-blank hit like that. Which is why our sister and us chose to simply use spellcraft instead."

All gazes turned to Celestia for her input. "Well, coincidence is a funny thing. And the fact that we are all are close enough friends to be willing to cause such a prank and take it just as easily is a wonderful thing. But what we really need to focus on is above us." All five looked up. Amid the swarm of over a thousand pigeons, some had finally noticed the five creatures covered in birdseed, and began swooping down.

This time, Nick reacted first. "Crud, I always hated that movie. EVERYPONY RUN!"

Author's Note

B-b-b-bird bird bird, bird is the word...

But in all honesty, this was inspired by both Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds as well as the 'Well one of us has to chamge' meme.

For want of a moat

The whole of the crystal empire was on edge. Even Twilight had been called in to help, as Celestia had been very busy. Which of course sent the Purple princess into a panic as she went over who could have even her former mentor worried. But the royals weren't the only ones planning on how to deal with the coming threat.

"Crud, I'm gonna have to fix this aren't I? Otherwise Sparky's gonna panic the army into doing something stupid."

"Unca Nik? Will you tell Fwurry bedtime stowee?"

"Sure, little one. Once upon a time..." He stared to tell a story, but stopped and thought for a moment. "Actually... wanna play a game of dress-up first?"

"Yez! Fwurry wanna dwess up as Unca Nik!"

"Hehe, I suppose we can start with that. Let's see..."

It was only a matter of time before Celestia herself was called in to help. She took one look at the letter, and scowled. It only took an explanation of the letter's true contents before the only possible culprit became clear. And so, the royal family called for the guards to stand down and angrily marched to Flurry's room.

As soon as they opened the door, they were met with a menacing glare. "Muahaha! Welcome, heroes! It is I, the villainous Dark Nick! I've been waiting for you." Nick spun around in his chair to face them, wearing a full suit and wearing an eyepatch. In his lap sat the little princess Flurry, who Nock was petting.

"Uhm... cat noisez! Meyow!" She looked up at her foalsitter. "Was dat good, unca Nik?"

"Perfect, my little snowflake." Ki kissed her on the forehead. "Now you go scurry off to bed, I'll tuck you in shortly."

Flurry got to her hooves and scampered towards her bedroom. "Goodnite unca Nik, I wuv yoo!"

"Love you too, sweetie! Ahem," he cleared his throat. "Now, where was I... ah, yes! My evil plan. So you heroes think you can stop the mighty Dark Nick? Your elements of harmony are useless against me. My plan is coming together! Muahaha, at last! But winning isn't fun if I don't give you a fair fight.
So let me tell you a story. For the want of a nail, a horseshoe was lost. For want of a horseshoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse the courier's message was lost. For want of a message the reinforcements were lost. For want of backup the battle was lost, and for want of a battle the kingdom was lost. All for the want of a horseshoe nail.
You must find the proverbial nail and figure out what you're missing, or you will face destruction as my magnificent plan-"

"Unca Nik, can you check undah my bed for monsters? I'm scawed... "

"Excuse me a moment, heroes! The mighty Dark Nick still has a job to do." Nick left the room, and they heard rustling as he moved around the bedroom. It was a few minutes before he came back out. "...and remember to always use that nightlight! I still use one sometimes. Now then, TREMBLE-"

"There's not a moat to throw you in, so we can't technically stop you. Right or wrong?" Demanded Twilight.

"Exactly! And because of the lack of my weakness, you will never be able to defeat the one, the only, THE INVINCIBLE D-"

Nick was immediately teleported and hurled into a massive snowdrift outside of town.

As the rest of the ponies gather next to it, the irate human rose out of the snow. "Curses! Foiled again by the frozen form of my weakness! But mark my words, I will have my revenge upon y-"

Another snowdrift was dropped on top of Nick.

Author's Note

I don't even know. You all suggested substitute 'moats' so I felt compelled to make this.

Good on all of you for actually making the comments influence the story! Honestly if I had a bigger ego I'd be shoving this in 'The good HIE List'. ...and there's a chapter idea...

In that case, see you all tomorrow! (And in the comments)

Munched 6: Rise of the UnderMuncher

Twilight sat with Celestia in the solar alicorn's office, surrounded by paperwork. Unfortunately, the paperwork was piled taller than the ponies present, leading Celestia to groan.

"What are these, Celestia?" Twilight asked.

"Grievances," she sighed. "Ponies and other creatures all across the kingdom can send letters with personal problems they need addressed, and I have to go through each one to see if it's worth investigating. It's very much like day court, only by mail. Look here," she pulled a paper at random from a stack and read it aloud. "'Dear Princess Celestia, your kingdom is far too organized and needs a few upgrades. Please contact Discord's Constructive Destruction to...' Okay, bad example. Discord always slips some jokes in. Honestly it helps with the monotony of it all."

Twilight pulled down another paper. "Huh, this one is from a buisnessmare out in Rainbow Falls of all places. She says she wants a local alchemy shop torn down because of... explosive botanical damage to her nearby jewelry store?"

"Let me see that." Celestia snatched it up and read the paper thoroughly. "Ah, seems she set up shop not realizing exactly why insurance premiums in that section of town are so high. I suppose I'll have to send an inspector over to Alchemiracles to see what Catalyst is up to this time, but enough of that." She selected another parchment and read it. "Says here that an orphanage in manehattan needs a slightly larger stipend from the crown this month due to an unforeseen outbreak of feather flu. I would be more than happy to send some bits their way, it can be quite the money drain when several foals get sick at once. Your turn, my former student."

"Alright! I'll take this one," Twilight beamed.
"Blueblood says-"

"Denied."

"But you haven't even heard what he wants, it might-"

"He wants more money. Denied." Twilight glanced further down the paper. Hidden amidst the confusing legalese was a request for a 500% allowance increase. She quickly lit the paper on fire. "See? I told you, Blueblood just wants money. We should prank my nephew later for that. Now, let's see..."

The hours passed by without much further incident. Proposals were denied, proposals were accepted, and many were debated over before being sent to a secure area where they could be negotiated on by both parties later. All in all, it was a rather productive day.

"Finally! This is the last grievance," Celestia nearly cheered. "It's about time. You do the honors, Twilight."

"Alright! Let's see here... Dear Princess Celestia, I would like to complain about security in the castle kitchens, as it was far too easy to get past, as well as compliment the quality... of... your... cakes. Signged,"

"NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!"

Nick was sitting in his room, idly reading the latest Daring Do book, when he heard that scream shake the castle. He sipped his tea, put the cup down, and counted. "Five. Four. Three. Two, One..."

The door SLAMMED open, revealing a very pissed off alabaster alicorn behind it. Nick spun in his chair to face her. "Ah, I see you got my complaint! I thought those were supposed to be anonymous, though. Tell me, however did you find out?"

"Moat. Now."

"Aw, why not a plea bargain? I tell you how I did it, and you let me go this time? The moat's getting cleaned anyway."

Celestia glanced out the window at all the equipment checking the moat for various things, and realized that it would indeed be too risky to toss her human friend out there. "Fine. Just this once. Follow me," and they were off. Upon arriving at the cake storage, Celestia unlocked the door and ushered Nick inside. "Now then, Nick. I have this place heavily guarded, security wards in place, alarms spells everywhere, Celestia and even a few mousetraps for good measure. Now please, explain how you bypassed security even Pinkie might see as a minor obstacle."

"Oh, that? It's simple, I walked in the front door."

Celestia stepped back, looking at the the heavily barred, magic-proof door she had installed a few weeks back. "Impossible. There's no way this door opens for anypony but the chefs and myself. There's even a magically-scanning inner lock that requires a physical key I keep copies of to trap any would-be thieves inside so they can be punished."

"Exactly! And you just opened it for me! See ya later, Celly!" Woth those words, the normally regal and calm Celestia had a door slammed in her face, the inner lock clicking closed.

"Okay, so I've got probably thirty minutes to snack on anything I want. I hope the moat isn't too cold today... Eh, worth it! Cake time!"

Outside the door, a burning mad princess had to concede defeat to her cakes once more. Next time, she'd have the upper hoof, though.

Author's Note

So, for those of you not aware, I started another comedy story! I hit writer's block for a bit and decided to try branching off a bit. Go give The Potion Shop a read for the same blend of shenanagains, but this time in the hellish world of retail!

Or don't. I don't mind either way. Too busy thinking about the nearly-released Smash Bros to care about the opinions of others.

Lazy river

Twilight was meandering along through the castle gardens when she heard a sudden splash. Then another, then another! It confused her, as few things impacted the water with such noise three times, so she decided to investigate. What she ended up finding were two of her best friends and a human all swimming in the castle moat. This concerned Twilight for three reasons.

One, it meant Nick had pulled a prank. Two, it meant Pinkie and Rainbow were in on it. And three, judging by the lack of Celestia and Luna, it meant this was one of the times Nick would voluntarily toss himself in the moat before the prank went off as to avoid getting either found by the sisters or thrown in again.

So of course she galloped off to go find out what was going on before anypony got embarrassed or hurt. Given that the yaks were visiting on diplomatic buisness, any little prank could set relations back and that would NOT be good.

Quickly, she managed to locate Celestia. "Celestia!" She quietly alerted her mentor. "Nick, Rainbow and Pinkie have pulled a prank! I don't know what it is, but given our visitors I would be on your guard! I'm going to go find what they did, you keep the yaks occupied!" And before Celestia could respond, Twilight was off like a rocket. She sighed.

"You know, just once I'd like a normal day where nothing goes wrong. Just one. Maybe if I went and at least told Nick about the yaks'... temperament, he could defuse the prank. I only hope Twilight has the common sense to confront him about it..."

"Nicholas did WHAT?" Luna's cry of anger nearly shook Luna's room.

"I think they set up a prank, and Celestia's busy with the yaks so we need to find it as soon as possible!" Twilight repeated. "Luna, do you know where we can check?"

"It would be in our best interests to forgo checking mine and my sister's rooms. We must work to scour the places the yaks will be before they reach those locales... Come, Twilight Sparkle! We shall make haste for the dining hall at once."

The pair raced to the grand dining hall, where tables upon tables of carefully prepared food to suit the visitor's tastes were being prepared. It honestly made Twilight's mouth water slightly, but she quickly steeled herself. She and Luna had a trap to find. Carefully lifting the tablecloths in her magic, she and Luna proceeded to investigate every chair, table, and conceivable hiding place for a surprise prank the grand hall could hide. Finding none, they proceeded to the throne room next. And then the library. And when the yaks left the conference hall for the day, they checked there too.

"Ah, this is the life! Chilling with my friends, good snacks, nice weather... could it get any better?" Nick asked aloud, having taken a break from swimming to lounge on the shore with his equine pals.

"No way I can think of," Rainbow Dash chimed in, stretching her wings and yawning. "You were right, swimming in the moat is a great way to pass time! How long has it been magically heated?"

"Since Celly threw me in one day during a snowstorm and I caught a cold. This is the only section enchanted to have temperature controls."

"Hihihi, it's like a hot tub! Do you think we could get one for Twilight's castle back in ponyville?" Pinkie chimed in.

"Maybe! But I thought we could all relax, what with those yaks always going off around me about the 'odd creature' they didn't ask for. Thanks for agreeing to spend the day with me, girls." Nick smiled. Truly, these fleeting moments were well worth the effort of having friends a two hour train ride away. "Hey, do girls hear something? Kinda sounds like Twilight screaming in panic from the castle..."

"Yeah," Rainbow added. "I bet she found whatever you set up. Hey, what kinda prank did you pull on the princesses today? I bet it was a good one!"

Nick paused. "Oh snap, I forgot to set one today!"

Author's Note

I just wanna play smash ultimate... why did I not make these chapters in advance? Why, Ashie? THINK NEXT TIME!

Excessive Sparkles

Deep in the bowels of Canteot Castle, a madman was plotting a scheme to overthrow the kingdom.

Okay, that was a slight exaggeration. Nick sat in his luxurious suite planning his next prank. And this one was going to be good, because he roped Twilight into it.

"So, what exactly is the plan, Nick?" Twilight looked over the art supplies the human had gathered curiously.

"We are making a very large, very obnoxious paint bomb. Glitter filled, magic resistant paint that cost me a pretty bit. This will take weeks to get washed out of their fur completely!" Nick held the melon-sized canister steady as Twilight carefully poured in the paint. "I can't believe you were on board with pranking this week. Without you enchanting the casing, I'd never be able to put this much paint in such a small space!"

"Well, Celestia has been telling me to let loose a bit more. I asked if joining in your little war effort was a possibility, and she couldn't get me on board fast enough! So, here we are. I'll prep the detonation spell, it has to be strong enough to fling all the paint but not hurt anypony, and I do NOT trust your explosives to not cause damage."

"Fine, fine. Do your thing, Sparky." Nick hopped up one his bed and idly kicked his legs in the empty air. "But where should we paint the girls? If we did it in the throne room, the mess wouldn't look good and might even damage the stained glass. I like those. Maybe the library?"

"No." Twilight replied swiftly and firmly. It nearly shook the room.

"Trust me Sparky, I wouldn't dare. That would cost a lot of bits and ruin books that I know are important. Pranks may be fun, but ruining priceless artifacts isn't. Plus, you'd be mad at me, and I prefer we stay pals."

"So the cake room is out too? I don't think Celestia would like that."

"She'd kill me! Not really, but she'd make me clean it up. No. And Luna's room is out for the same reason. In fact, both of their rooms! We need them together. Maybe a conference room? The courtyard?" Nick flopped back on the bed, only for his vision to be obscured by purple chest floof as Twilight hopped up into the bed to join him with a friendly nuzzle.

"I still think this is a tad extreme though, Nick. We should have just gone with my idea." The mare sighed, then giggled as Nick booped her on the muzzle.

"Sending them a letter through the mail instead of by dragonfire isn't a prank, Twi."

"It is if you label it as being sent from Canterlit instead of Canterlot!" She huffed in annouance.

"Clearly you need lessons from Celly about how to properly prank ponies... and people. If that came my way I probably wouldn't even notice! So, Sparky, we're gonna go through with this paint bomb. It's gonna be great, Celly and Luna are gonna toss us in the moat, and we can all have a laugh over it. So, what room should we redecorate to sparkly hot pink?"

"Hm... how about this one?" Twilight asked, grinning.

"Sparky, this is my room."

Twilight stood up on the bed and hopped off with a chuckle. "I know. I said princess Celestia roped me into the prank war, but I never said who's side I was on."

Nick shot up, only to be held firm by a lavender glow of magic. "You... you double-crossing, no good double agent! You had this planned from the start, didn't you?" He jabbed a finger accusingly in the purple pony's direction.

"As soon as you explained the general plan, yes. Celestia asked me to sabotage your next prank to get the hang of things. Soo... sorry Nick! I hope it doesn't take too long to replace all the furniture!" And she teleported out, leaving Nick in the room with a paint bomb that was now slowly flashing red, and getting faster.

"Sparky? Sparky this isn't funny!" Realizing he was free from the magic, he ran to the door, only to find it held shut by an unknown force. "Sparky? Open the door, you madmare!"

"Sparky? Sparky? Oh, crudbiscuts, it's gonna-"

Away in her private tea room, Celestia heard a *slpat* noise from somewhere. She shrugged it off as nothing, but when she learned of the situation later nearly fell over laughing.

Author's Note

Holiday season is annoying, it means I am too busy to write. Add to that I'm low on ideas this week, and it takes a while to update.

Redecoration

Luna and Celestia tried not to giggle as a very irate, very pink, and VERY sparkly human stormed into the evening dining hall. Without even acknowledging the sisters, he took his seat and began eating his grilled chicken before finally glancing in their direction.

“Have thou any luck getting that color off of thee, fair Nicholas?” Luna asked mirthfully. “Tis been ages since we have laughed that hard at thou, or anypony. Why, the great bards and jesters of yore would weep to know they were outclassed by a biped and some paint!” The lunar alicorn fell over laughing as Nick gave her the best death glare he could manage, but being covered head to toe in pink glitter glue that just refused to come off didn't add much to the intimidation factor.

“Yeah, go ahead and laugh it up, Luna. I'll get you back for this, both of you. But I really hope you have a plan for fixing my room, Celly.” He paused to take a bite and chew for a moment. “I kinda need that place.”

Celestia grinned. “Oh, do not worry, Nick. I have hired some of the best interior decorators available to handle setting up a new room for you. I told them that you are a stallion of slightly different proportions than average, and they should take that into account when setting up. They should be done by now, actually. Here, I have the key right here. It's in the west hall, by the tower.” she levitated a key over to Nick in her magic, and the human happily accepted.

“Nice! Thanks Celly, I knew I could count on you. You're a great friend.” With that, he set off to find his new place to try and wash off his pink coloring.

“I bet 50 bits he'll be back in 5 minutes,” Luna wagered.

“Ten minutes. You're on.”

Twelve minutes later, Nick walked back through the dining hall. “Right. West is THAT way.” As he left, a fifty-bit coin silently transferred between rulers.

Celestia huffed after he left, tossing a second fifty-bit coin into the air and letting it clatter to the table. “Double or nothing, he takes an hour to even find the door.”

“Deal.”

“Honestly Luna, I think we overdid it this time. Whatever Nick retaliates with, I say we roll with it.”

“That… seems acceptable, Sister.”

Nick finally managed to reach the residential section of the west hall. Lucky for him, he noticed some worker ponies leaving a certain room. He silently thanked his good fortune that he didn't need to try every single door, and went to unlock it- and failed. He cursed under his breath as this clearly wasn't the right room, so he began his one at a time search for the right door.

“And do tell your family I said hello, miss Pie.”

“Alright. Goodbye, Princess," came the monotone reply. The gray earth mare made to exit the throne room, the last day court appointment for the day, when the doors swung wide and an irate sparkly biped stormed in, with a mop stuck to his head. “Nice color. You look like my sister.” Maud left without another word, her face devoid of expression.

“Ah, hello Nick. Is there a problem?”

“This key,” he held up his ‘room key’ for emphasis, “Lead to a BROOM CLOSET! And on top of that, when they all fell over on me, I found that somepony dipped the mop head in superglue. Aren't you proud of yourself.”

“Yes, yes I am. Here's your actual room key.”

Nick took the floating key indignantly. “Thank you!” he replied sarcastically as he stormed out.

“Sir Nick, we can accept asserting your authority to bypass our post, but this borders on extreme, sir.” One guard whimpered this in a hushed tone, and the others present agreed. They shut up when they saw their ruler open her eyes and wink at them before falling ‘asleep’ again.

Atop the bridge over the moat, Nick struggled to carry the sleeping Celestia from the Bathmobiletm to the edge. “Too bad,” he replied. “She sabotages my prank, glued a mop to my head, and arranges for my room to be filled with furniture made for a smaller-than-average pony? She earned this. She, rgh, is getting tossed in the moat, like it or not, and you all won't stop me.” Nick appeared to be putting in a herculean effort to hoist the oversized pony into a throwing position, and eventually he relented. “...And since I can't seem to lift her over the railing, there's only one way she's getting tossed in the moat. Together. GERONIMO!”

Author's Note

Ah, the bathmobiletm. I missed it.

And thanks to my editor for catching my mistakes, I made Maud say something out of character at first.

The doofus decimal system

Twilight Sparkle was having a lovely day.
Applejack had needed some help on the farm, which helped her learn more about how to earth pony, but she also had to stop by Rarity's to spend some time at the spa. It had been a lovely day, and as she entered her massive crystal castle she couldn't help but sigh contentedly. Through the corridors she trotted, her hooves clip-clopping on the cool floor as she made for the library to get some light reading in before bed. And by light reading, she of course meant two encyclopedias.

As she entered the library though, she gasped. Something was wrong. Very wrong. And while the average pony wouldn't have noticed much, she knew instantly that all the books had been rearranged. “Wh-What? Who?! How? Why?!” She cried out, only to notice a note left on the table for her.

‘Welcome to the war, Private Sparkle! Have fun cleaning this one up! ;)
-Nick’

Twilight's eye twitched. It was going to be a long night. Good thing she had the day off tomorrow. With her mind set, she lifted books off the shelves in her magic and began putting them back in their correct placements. It was slow-going, but since she knew where every book belonged by heart, there was no reason for her to slow down. All into the night she silently worked, determination on her face as books were shelved and reshelved at a pace few could keep up with. She even made sure the editions were in the correct order. It took until the moon was high in the sky, but she finally finished after a few hours.

“Ugh, finally. I suppose I had that coming after painting Nick with that bomb. Oh well, I suppose Nick was smart to do it when Spike wasn't here. I suppose I have enough time to read through a few chapters of The Old Mare and the Sea.” Moving to the proper shelf, Twilight grabbed the correct book before snuggling up in a blanket by the fireplace. She began to read. “Chapter one: It was the best of times, it was… wait, WHAT?” She carefully removed the book's protective dust jacket. And staring back at her was the book's title: A Tail of Two Cities.

“Oh, no…” Twilight dashed over to a shelf and grabbed a copy of Wings Above the Mountains. But to her horror, below the dust jacket, it was just a dictionary! “Oh no oh no oh no… he… HE MADE ME DISORGANIZE MY ENTIRE LIBRARY!”

[Page break]

“Thanks again for the help, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash.” Nick chewed on his cupcake happily, a good portion of the paint washed off his body, but not entirely. “There was no way I was gonna reorganize that place alone in a day. And let's be honest, Sparky earned that one for all the times she over thought things and let her insanity get you all into trouble.”

“She's gonna totally destroy you later for that, dude. You know that, right?” Rainbow asked with a chuckle.

“Nah, she already told me she felt super guilty about destroying Nicky's room and she Pinkie Promised that whatever Nick returned fire with she'd let slide, so honestly we're the only ones getting in trouble, Dashie!” Pinkie giggled, hopping off to replenish the snacks of the trio's table at Sugarcube Corner.

“Wait, what? How would Twi know we were even there, Pinkie?!”

Nick grinned his classic ‘gotcha’ smile, one that he had learned from Celestia. “Oh, I introduced Sparky to the concept of security cameras. She should be angrily checking the photos tomorrow. I recommend you two leave on the first train in the morning.”

“Welp, guess I'm crashing at Yearling's for a few days, then…”

Author's Note

Yes, I just arranged events that caused Twilight to deliberately mess up her own library.

I'm proud of myself.

Smells like Confusion

“So with that trade agreement out of the way, all we need to do is finish the paperwork for the day to arrange for Ponyville to have money allocated for the emergency fund.”

Luna tilted her head to one side, looking at her sister across the the small meeting room they sat in. The pair had met up to discuss any remaining paperwork they both needed to sign off on before the end if the year. “But there is already a disaster fund, sister. And it applies to every town and city. Why doth Ponyville require a seperate one?”

“Given the crazy events that happen around there, and the fact it borders the everfree forest, I've found it's better to have the extra funding and not need it than scramble to allocate funds later,” she explained. “Plus, any bits leftover fund the local businesses.”

“Ah, very well. We art smelling thine nachos, sister.”

It was very rare that Celestia was struck dumb by somepony's actions, even rarer when it was somepony she knew. This, however, was one such occasion. “I… I'm sorry Luna, I must have misheard. What was that you just said?”

“We said: ‘We art smelling thine nachos, sister’. Art thou not aware of modern colloquialisms? Nicholas explained it to Us.”

“Well, I've never heard that one before, Luna. But if my guess is correct, you are picking up what I'm putting down, yes?”

“No! We do not pick things up off the floor, sister. We have servants for that.”

Celestia sighed, hanging her head in annoyance. “It means that you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Luna. Not that I expect you to clean your room. Even though you probably should,” she countered.

Luna sat still for a moment, the gears turning in her head. She finally seemed to understand. “Ah! We get it now. We feel thee, dear sister.”

“Um, Luna, that not only doesn't make sense, but sounds highly inappropriate. Is this another one of Nick's sayings?”

“Yes. Why, is it too strange, sister? Perhaps We should stick to simply smelling the nachos of our subjects.”

“That's almost as bad, Luna! Nachos don't have anything to do with understanding, even remotely! And claiming to feel somepony is highly inappropriate. Instead, just say that see where they are coming from!”

“Very well. Dost thou mean the doorway, or their hometown, sister?”

Celestia facehooved. She knew there were moments Luna seemed out of touch with the times with her archaic ways, but this was just sad.

“Forget it, Luna. If you're still curious, we can go ask Nick later.”

“Why not now? We are, as he says, not getting any younger sitting here.”

“I suppose this can wait. Let's get going, Luna. His room isn't too far from here.”

“Bwahahahaha-” Nick paused in his guffawing to try and reclaim some of the precious oxygen he had lost. “I can't breathe! You actually- Hahahaha! You actually used ‘I'm smelling your nachos’ in a conversation? I totally got you, Luna!” He fell over laughing, finally losing his battle against balance, and continued chortling on the floor.

“Yes, it is hilarious, Nicholas.” Luna deadpanned. “Thou confounded Us and made Us look the fool in front of our own sister. Congratulations.”

“I thought it was funny,” Celestia cut in.

“Oh, it was hilarious!” Nick added, finally regaining his composure. “When it comes to wordplay, it looks like today, I take the cake!”

Nick's eyes went wide. He regretted what he shouted instantly, shrinking back in fear of the now angry mare before him. “Wait, I meant to say-”

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

Author's Note

Before any of you ask, there is no reference here. Me and my friends were hanging out and we tend to say odd things. In this case it was
"Look, I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'm smellin' your nachos. I feel ya. What else do you want me to say?"
To point out one if us agreed with the friend who was ranting at the time.

Sound off!

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la…” Nick sang various Christmas songs to himself as he decorated the conference room for his private Christmas/Hearth’s Warming crossover party later that week between him and his friends. There was a tree all decorated and tinsel hung from the ceiling, along with figurines of major Hearth's Warming figures and plenty of hot cocoa supplies.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Who's there? Actually, just come on in. I'm just setting up in here.” the door swung open, and the ponies behind it stepped through. Nick's attitude immediately perked up. “Oh! Celly, Luna! What are you two doing over here? Not that I'm not happy to see you two, of course.”

Luna spoke up first. “It is always a pleasure to see thee, fair Nicholas. But We have come to, unfortunately, deliver a complaint.”

Nick looked at his friends in shock. “A complaint? What for? I'm not breaking any fire codes, am I?” he glanced around the room, trying to figure out why the royal sisters would complain to him.

“Actually, we aren't the ones complaining,” Celestia explained. “A certain noble pony has asked that we, and I quote, ‘Tell that filthy ape to stop his caterwauling so that I can enjoy my dinner in peace!’ He then added that ‘There's no way in Tartarus he could be any more loud and annoying!’”

Nick pondered for a minute. Clearly Blueblood was being a bigger jerk than normal today. “Is that an actual warning, Celly?”

The solar alicorn grinned. “I prefer to think of it as a challenge. Need some help?”

“Oh, certainly! The more the merrier,” Nick added with an evil grin.

It took a good hour and a half to gather the supplies needed for what Nick referred to as ‘The most loudest war of loud that ever was’, but a few trips to the storeroom ended up being fruitful in ways the three pranksters didn't expect.

“For the record, whatever happens, this is awesome.” Nick ran around making sure all the equipment had the energy crystals properly attached.

“We are ready. Art thou ready, sister?” Luna stood with a guitar in her magic, wearing neon sunglasses and a backwards camo baseball cap in place of her crown.

“I'm good to go.” Celestia adjusted her bright red faux leather jacket and checked her bells for any flaws. It had been a good three centuries since she took part in a bell choir, she hoped she hadn't gotten rusty.

“You ready, Diz?” Nick called over. “And thanks for helping us set this up, by the way.”

Discord sat behind a drum kit, consisting of normal drums, a gong, things that clearly didn't belong on a drum kit, and more, holding a chicken drumstick in each hand. His face was painted half white, half black, and he had a rainbow clown wig on in addition to Groucho Marx glasses. He huffed in annoyance. “Do I look ready to you? My green room wasn't painted blue as per our contract, and my banana flavored galoshes are still in the shop! Of course I'm ready!”

Nick smiled, grabbing the microphone and switching everything on. Blueblood should be having lunch right about now…

And he was, entertaining a very annoyed set of foals from the local schools. He had gotten roped into giving them a tour of the castle and explaining history, but he had just been going on and on about how great he was. All the foals were bored to tears. “Can't something interesting happen?” One asked another. “He hasn't shut up for two hours.”

Blueblood, meanwhile, continued his impromptu filibuster. “...and with my recent workings leading the charity ball to lower taxes for the one percent, I can personally say that I have truly surpassed-”

HELLO, CANTERLOT! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!

“What is that infernal racket?!”

ONE, TWO, ONE TWO THREE FOUR!

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY-

Later on, many foals throughout Canterlot would remember the ensuing concert as ‘the bestest, most awesome royal concert ever’. Celestia, Luna, Discord, and Nick all agreed that it was a great way to connect with the youth of Canterlot, and get back at Blueblood. Prince Blueblood wanted to get revenge, but much to his fury he couldn't raise a metaphorical finger against an event organized by the princesses, especially not since Twilight had arranged all the permits and proper documentation.

Afterwards, they invited all the foals to Nick's Christmas party, where he regaled them with tales of various Christmas stories...

Author's Note

~~Merry Christmas~~ Happy Hearth's Warming! I got you all two chapters instead of one on both my comedy stories for a total of four!

I hope you all spend the holidays with those you love, and have a wonderful time.

Munched 7: The night Before Munchmas

Twas the night before Munchmas, when all through the Castle,
Not a creature was stirring, sneaking in was no hassle.
The icing was lathered on the desserts with care,
In hopes that Sir Nicholas not soon would be there.
The ponies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Pinkie Pies danced in their heads.
And my sun in the sky, and I in my nightcap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When down by the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like the Dash,
Tore open the door and prepped the spell dazzleflash.
The light from my horn lit the room with a glow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a motorized tub and my human friend so dear.
With an outcry of shock so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be Sir Nick.
More rapid than eagles he fled with his prize in vain,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"The vanilla! The chocolate! The fruitcake and more!
With all of your treasures, I'm right out the door!
Just try to catch me, ‘fore on my old pranks I call!
I'll munch away, munch away, munch away all!"
As beasts that before the wild flutterstate fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So away from the kitchen the that bathtub nearly flew,
With packed full of treats, and Sir Nicholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the halls,
My loyal guardsmares’ never ending hoof falls.
So I flew in pursuit, moving with utmost haste,
Hoping to catch dear Sir Nicholas before my cakes went to waste.
He was dressed all in black, for sneaking in it did matter,
And his clothes were all tarnished with sprinkles and batter.
A bundle of cakes he had placed in his tub,
And as he thought of his prizes he gave his tummy a rub.
Through the halls I gave chase, with little success,
As I tried not to wake staff with noises excess.
To the courtyard we ran, my guards in pursuit,
But he drove fast enough to avoid a dispute.
A delicious cupcake he held tight in his teeth,
While the cobblestone pathways rumbled beneath;
And he swallowed it down into his belly,
And he laughed and pointed, crying “Catch me, Celly!”
As he fled through the gates, I formed up an attack,
To halt his escape and to get my cakes back.
A wink of my eye and a light of my magic,
Soon he knew I had done something quite tragic!
The axles popped loose, and the tub nearly crashed,
My telekinesis holding those precious cakes fast.
And so I landed near him, and glared at my foe,
Whilst he emerged from the wreckage crying of a stubbed toe.
Lifted up in my magic, he hovered over the moat,
There was no chance at all that below was a boat.
But I heard him exclaim, crying into the night—
“Merry Munchmas, Celly! Might I have one more bite?”

“No.”

“Aw, fudge.”

Author's Note

I copy/pasted the whole poem to do this.

By the way, I'm not even hiding the Rickroll this time. Consider it a Hearth's warming gift from me that it's so obvious.

Maybe click it anyway?

Tag team prank: On my mark!

“...So that's that plan. Any questions from the peanut gallery?”

“Yeah, what's that mean?”

“Forget it. So, can I count on you all to help out?”

“You bet! CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS and Nick PRANKSTERS!”

“My ears… they bleed…”

Applejack was sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a nice apple with a side of apples as well as a nice glass of apple juice with apple slices. Suddenly, she heard a knock at the apple household front door. Groaning at the interruption of her red delicious apple lunch she appleoached the door and appleied force to it to create an appleture through which she could see the outside world. Apples.

Much to her surprise, Apple Bloom had been the one knocking. “Hey there, sis!” She called out happley. “Ah'm doing a door-to-door questioning today! So, uh, can Ah ask you a few questions?”

“Why, sure thang, little sis! What's on yer mind, partner?”

“Is our refrigerator runnin’?”

Applejack tilted her head to one side, confused. “Uh, AB, Ah don't know what a re-frig-er-ator is.”

“That's what Ah said! Hey mister Nick, what's a refrigerator?”

A loud groan could be heard from the bushes. Clearly someone was annoyed at the young pony's lack of knowledge of human technology. “Try again, and say icebox instead!”

“Okay, mister Nick! Hey sis, is our icebox running?”

“...No? The magic crystal broke last night, Bloom. You were there.”

“Then you better go catch it!” Apple bloom spun around to face the bushes. “Did Ah do good, mister Nick?”

Nick stood up from the bushes, with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo sitting on his shoulders. He picked up Apple Bloom and let her grip his head as though she was a hat. “Forget it, prank failed. Let's try Rarity next.”

“Is this what y'all wanted ta do when ya said you'd foal sit for me today, Nick? Seriously?”

“No.”

“Oh, good, because-”

“The original intent was to have you actually fall for the joke. But, I guess some days you just can't win.”

Nick and his team of tagalongs headed back to the CMC clubhouse to regroup and plot their next attempt.

Rarity was working on a new dress when she heard a knock on the door. Strange, she thought. The shop was open, so there wasn't really a reason to knock. Still, she abandoned her work to answer the door. The sounds of hoof meeting wood persisted. Swinging open the door, she was met with- “Sweetie Belle? What are you doing ?”

Sweetie Belle didn't respond, deciding instead to quickly turn tail and scamper away from the porch. “Did that work, mister Nick? Did it?”

Nick stepped out of his hiding spot, groaning. “Sweetie, that is not how ding-dong ditch works. And - aw, phooey. I tore my pant leg on the porch!”

Rarity gasped. “Darling, I can't let you go without fixing it for you, especially since you were so generous as to foal sit Sweetie for the day. Come here, I will-” she stepped forward, out the door, and right into the spiderweb that Nick had sprayed on the door with Spike's borrowed Spider-Mane toy.

Rarity screamed. “AAAUUUGGGHHH! MY MANE! MY FACE! THIS IS THE WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!” She fell backwards with practiced ease, her couch appearing behind her to break her fall. As soon as she impacted it though, Nick's old standby went off.

Frrrrrrrt

As Rarity laid in shock, processing what happened, Nick ran off with his charges laughing. “Whoopie cushions! They never stop being funny!”

The four ran to the edge of town, Nick stopping to catch his breath. Scootaloo pointed up to a nearby cloud. “Hey, there's Rainbow! Should we get her, too?”

“Ah dunno, Scoots,” Apple bloom replied. “She's pretty high up there. How are we gonna reach her?”

“Simple,” Nick replied. “Although I may need that cutie mark crusader yell again.” He whispered his plan to the three, then covered his ears. “Rainbow's gonna kill me for this… do it, girls!”

“HEY RAINBOW DASH! YOU JUST LOST THE GAME! CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS and Nick PROVOKERS!”

“My ears… again... But now, we run away! Fast!”

Author's Note

Tag team pranks! My latest idea to ~~cope with my lack of ideas~~ spice up the story! These will bring in other ponies to the war for a brief period of time, three chapters at most. A bigger cast means more pranks to those beyond the castle, after all!

Also you all lost the game. Again. U mad bro(ny)? :trollestia:

To whom it may concern

“Hey, Twilight. How was your day today?”

The purple alicorn smiled weakly at her assistant, before slumping down in her chair at the dinner table.

“Oh. That bad?” Spike turned away from his cooking for a moment to give Twilight a sympathetic hug. “Do you wanna talk about it while I finish making this lasagna?”

Twilight groaned, but began to speak. “Ugh, Spike, today was just one thing after another. Fluttershy's animals escaped from their pens, and it took all of us working together to round them back up. But that meant that Rainbow wasn't setting up tomorrow's rainstorm, which meant Fluttershy and I had to help her out, and Applejack had to watch the animals to make sure they didn't get out again, but that meant she was behind on work at the farm, and…” She slammed her head on the table, as though it were the softest pillow in the world. “Ugh.”

“Sounds like you did the work of ten ponies today, Twi. Although if you tell me Pinkie got behind in her work, I'm going to call your bluff there.” The drake opened the oven to check on the food, before deciding it wasn't done and leaving it to bake more.

“Of course she didn't, she has secret cupcake stashes everywhere. And even if she didn't, she's Pinkie, she'd make it work somehow. I wish I had some time to read, but I don't think I could even finish 400 pages tonight I'm so tired!” As she bemoaned her day, Spike brought her a mug of cider, which she quickly downed. “Thanks, that helps… a little.”

Suddenly, Spike burped out a letter, catching it in his claw and taking note of the seal. “Oh, hey! This is from Nick, I thought it was Celestia. I guess she decided to let him send letters over dragonfire again. I appreciate that, he usually gives me delicious gemstones as ‘postage’. Heh.”

The scroll was quickly snagged out of his grasp by a lavender glow. “Let's see what this is, then. If Nick convinced Celestia to send it over for him, it must be important.” She unfurled the scroll and began to read.

Deer twilightsparkle,

Her eye twitched.

Dis is Nick! Come to my attention it has that a good many things need to be adress between us. To begin, your castle needs a moat so Nick throw into you can do easyily. Teleporting him to canterlot is big waste of magic that causes annoyance muchly.

Third, plz inform rare that pants are required because large knee hole. Dark colourscolors no neon pink trousers please

second why do you ask 4 knowledge of humans culture history and beehavior. This perplexes Nock much? U know human worlds exist mirror portal. Use it, analyze, return, ask compare notes with best prankster, profit.

Also, there's something incredibly, incredibly important I need to tell you! You need to come up here NOW, I'm running out of-

The ink trailed off from there, as though something had interrupted the letter. Twilight's eye twitched. Again.

Nick sat at his desk, humming a simple, rolling tune to himself. All of a sudden, Twilight appeared in the room in a brilliant flash of light. Her mane was ragged, her eyes bloodshot and wild from exhaustion.

It took Nick a moment to collect his bearings from the blinding flash, rubbing the spots out of his eyes so he could see again. “Sparky? What in the blue blazers are you doing here this late?”

“Where's the emergency?! You wrote me and it was infuriating, but then you seemed panicked at the end! What happened, all you said was that you were running out of something!”

The human chuckled. “Oh, that? I couldn't write any longer, because I ran out of…”

“Well?! What did you run out of?”

“Ink.”

That night, a few reports came into the local guard station of a strange shape being thrown from Canterlot Castle into the moat. They were dismissed as just low-flying birds, and the ponies were sent on their way. Then the guards made a note to find out who won the betting pool of which princess was going to toss Nick into the moat next.

Author's Note

Lol I didnt tell my editor about the grammar good letter, let's see how long it takes him to notice

Update: It took 16 minutes

Sonic Painboom

“Princess Luna? What are you doing?” Rainbow Dash questioned. Sure, having permission to some restricted areas of the castle meant that she had caught the princesses in a few awkward situations, but this one was just strange. “Are… are you painting flames on a bathtub?”

“Ah, good evening, Rainbow Dash. Yes, We art painting this ‘bathtub’ as thou call it with a flame pattern. But ‘tis no average bathing receptacle, nay! Tis Our dear friend Nicholas' befavored vehicle, the Bathmobiletm! We are painting it as such as a present for our friend, as he has stated that in his culture, flame patterns make things go faster! He also said something about a ‘mixtape’, but We did not understand his explanation, so We settled on this! Is it not a glorious gift that he will enjoy for… where did she go?” Luna looked around, but Rainbow had disappeared during her explanation.

Twilight excitedly pranced around on one of her castle's many balconies as she readied her instruments. “This is a fantastic idea, Dash! I love investigating things from Nick's world, and if this is true then we could revolutionize the transportation industry! Think of the time and fuel saved by applying it to trains and airships! Or boats!”

“Forget that, this'll make me an even more awesome WONDERBOLT! No wonder Spitfire is captain, she does this fire thing without even trying!” Rainbow flapped her wings a few times to make sure she could still fly, and see.

After all, it was a tad difficult to fly while covered head to hoof in flame stickers bought at the toy store.

“Dash, aren't you worried those are going to fall off mid flight? The adhesive on those stickers isn't exactly high-grade…”

“I know! That's why I used superglue to stick them on instead! There's no way in Tartarus these babies are falling off anytime soon!” She lifted a wing to her face and kissed it, much like a proud bodybuilder smooching his muscles. “Aw, yeah, the Dash is ready!

“Well, my instruments are good to go! Launch in twenty...nineteen...eighteen…”

“Three-two-one-GO!” Dash took off like a shot, with Twilight scrambling to get her machines readjusted. Rainbow, meanwhile, was sailing through the sky with practiced ease. The stickers were a tad uncomfortable, but if they made her go faster then it was totally worth it! And, she thought, even though it might be the, ah, what did Twilight call it? The gazebo effect? Rainbow felt herself accelerating better than ever! The sky was hers! Well, it was already hers, but now it was more hers than earlier!

Dash performed a few loops and corkscrews before deciding that the best possible thing she could do was show off her newfound speed to her fellow wonderbolts, and took off for Cloudsdale without a second thought. In fact, she wanted to arrive in style! As fast as she could! There was only one option, so she accelerated to even higher speeds, the wind stinging her eyes as she moved faster and faster until-

“Hey, Celestia, is that one of those ‘sonic rainbooms’ you keep telling me about?”

“Yes, Nick, it is. It's always a beautiful sight, don't you agree?”

“Yeah, but do they usually sound like somepony screaming in agony?”

Rainbow Dash, collapsed in pain on a cloud somewhere, took a moment to reboot her brain and take stock of what had just happened.

Fact one: Stickers tend to come off if hit with strong enough wind. Even with superglue.
Fact two: A sonic rainboom is not strong enough to overcome the superglue, so the stickers tore off most of her fur and feathers instead once she got to that speed.
Fact three: Having most of your fur waxed off and your feathers plucked all at once is excruciatingly painful.
Fact four: She was in the Wonderbolts’ cloud stadium, and they had noticed her.

“Well, this is a uh, *snrk* surprise,” Spitfire began, barely able to stifle a laugh. Most of the other Wonderbolts were also moments from exploding into guffaws. “Dash, what in the world happened?”

“I… uh… I was doing an awesome aerial stunt and I went too fast! Have you ever gone so fast your fur flew off, Spitfire? Huh?” Rainbow really, really hoped they would buy the bluff. Better look like this with a cool reason instead of a stupid one.

“Really? Because it's been raining these fire stickers with blue fur glued to them for the past ten minutes.”

Fudge.

Nick was facing a pleasant evening lounging on a blanket in the royal gardens with a nice glass of lemonade. Suddenly, a blue blur snatched him up, carried him a short distance, dropped him in the moat, and sped off without a word. Nick resurfaced, with only one thing on his mind:

“What was that for? I didn't do anything this time!”

Author's Note

A super special thanks to Drazhan for the idea! If you have any, feel free to submit it here so I can include you guys!

The Big Machine

Princess Celestia sat on her throne hosting open day court, a monthly event that was needed to show how she was a fair ruler. It was the same as normal day court: ponies come in asking for rulings on land disputes, favors to be done for town building projects and events, her royal alchemist barged in demanding one of her feathers for an experiment, a school wanted her to come and visit their foals, and so on. The big difference was that this day court session was open to the public. The doors to the throne room were held wide open, and anypony could waltz right in and observe the proceedings provided they stayed behind a certain point and didn't cause a ruckus.

She was in the middle of listening to a long request for a federal loan to allow some business venture in Vanhoover when something caught her eye. Through the open doors of the throne room, she saw the castle's resident human dragging a rather large cart full of wood, springs, and other supplies through the main entry hall and towards the royal guard practice fields. That's odd, she thought, but decided to pay it no mind as she mentally prepared herself for the ‘sorry, the crown will not support that’ speech.

The day seemed to progress as normal until a request for her to attend a sporting event as an honored guest. For starters, it actually didn't conflict with her schedule, so she could say yes. But the other strange thing was seeing Nick March through the lobby again, with several craftsponies in tow, carrying lots of hammers and saws.

But she persisted, listening to grievance after grievance for another few hours. Even when the racket of construction began emanating from the training fields, Celestia simply cast a soundproofing spell and kept on with her work. She couldn't help the itch in the back of her mind, though: What was Nick up to this time?

The noises seemed to have an unintended effect, though. “Sister?” Luna trotted into the throne room, still in her purple pajamas with white polka dots and holding a teddy bear under her wing. “What in Tartarus is all that infernal racket about? We cannot sleep whilst it persists.”

“Uh, Luna? You do realize where you are, right?”

“Oh course, we art in the royal throne room, and we art trying to sleep, yet that cacophony outside is giving us a headache!”

“Luna.”

“And another thing-” Luna was about to continue her triade when a muffled giggle came from behind her. Slowly, she turned her head around, eyes widening as she finally noticed the couple hundred ponies in attendance. “...oh. Uh… We have to go now, sister. We believe we have left the oven on.” Luna trotted out of the throne room at a brisk pace, turning and addressing the crowd as she left. “Not. One. Word.”

The soundproofing spell proved highly useful as Celestia and her subjects enjoyed a laugh at Luna's expense.

That evening, Nick was putting the finishing touches on his giant contraption when Celestia and Luna finally came to investigate what he was up to. The thing he was working on appeared to be a giant ten foot wooden cube, with gears, conveyors, and other moving parts on its sides.

“Hello, Nick.”

“Ah, Celly! Luna! You two are just in time for the first use of my Giant Contraption That Does A Thing 3000! Please, have a seat right over there and enjoy the show!” He gestured to the nearby bench so the princesses could sit down.

Luna glared at Nick. “It does not pull pranks, does it?”

“Nope! I swear it doesn't. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Nick quickly performed a slight variant of the Pinkie promise hand motions he and the over enthusiastic pink mare had worked out for humans. “It does a very important thing, but no pranks!”

“Very well, Nicholas. But we art watching thee.”

Celestia and Luna sat down where Nick had indicated, noting that the wooden bench was slightly damp, but neither mentioned it since there had been a scheduled rainstorm the night prior. “Well, Nick? Go ahead.”

Nick nodded, and proceeded to turn the hand crank on the side of the machine, setting everything into motion. Gears turned, pinwheels spun, moving parts moved, and the attached bells rung. Nick just kept spinning the hand crank for several minutes, before Luna finally lost a bit of her patience.

“So what exactly does it do, Nicholas?”

Nick grinned, approaching and bopping the lunar princess on the muzzle. “You silly pony. It distracts princesses while the glue on the bench dries.”

“What?!”

“See you girls later, I'm going to the market! Good luck getting yourselves unstuck from that bench!”

“NIIIIIIIIICK!”

Author's Note

Let me know if I screwed up on the editing, I couldn't reach my editor last night or today and had to fly solo like old times.

AND HAPPY 50th CHAPTER, EVERYPONY! WOOOO

Market Street Mad Dash

“Catch me if you can, girls! I'm no gingerbread man but I'm still faster than an eight-legged pony pair!”

“Get thine flank back here this instant, Nicholas!”

“Fat chance!”

Nick had the lead by a decent margin, but the two princesses hot on his heels were gaining fast. Granted, both had their rumps glued to a bench, but years of charging into battle allowed them to gallop in sync and gain ground. It also looked ridiculous, as they weren't moving at top speed due to the awkward moves they had to use to run while sticking their butts in the air to avoid dragging the bench along.

So naturally, Nick did the one thing he knew the princesses couldn't coordinate: he grabbed a light post and used it to make a u-turn, dashing past the shocked princesses as they tried to skid to a stop.

“Sister, we must turn around! Nicholas is getting away!”

“I'm trying, Luna! But you're trying to turn the other way!”

“Enough of this! Let us see if we can still do this…” With the grace not many ponies could manage, Luna leaped into the air and spread her wings out for one of her old combat tactics: the instant mid air u-turn. Unfortunately, while she had done it in full plate armor dozens if not hundreds of times on the battlefield, she had never done it with another pony glued to her. Having a weight throwing her off balance, she and Celestia flipped over, landing helplessly on their backs with the bench sticking up in the air.

“Sister! Why didst thou not flip with us? We taught thee how to do so decades before we were consumed by Nightmare Moon!”

“Luna, I haven't needed that move for over 600 years, I'm out of practice. And you didn't warn me!”

“Well, we suppose this will have to be done the more direct way.” Luna lit her horn, and in an instant the bench was reduced to splinters. “We are willing to play along with Nicholas's pranks for a little while, yes. But ‘tis always fun to, as they say, turn the tables?”

“Oh, certainly!”

Nick, meanwhile, was running down the street towards the center of the market, hoping to lose is bench-bound pursuers, when he felt the form of a small equine land on his back and grip his shoulders for an impromptu piggyback ride.

“Hello strange creature! Why are we running?”

“Gah! What the heck!?” Nick staggered to the left from the impact, but kept running. “I'm running away from the princesses! I might have pulled a prank on them, and they might be mad at me for it!”

“Oh, okay! Need any help? I know this city like the back of my hoof!”

“Sure! Know any shortcuts?”

“Take that alleyway to your right! We can hide there, then take the other alley to jump over to Second Avenue!”

Nick dove into the alley and not ten seconds later, two VERY pissed off alicorns scurried down the street, screaming for Nick to surrender or face a second swim in the moat. Nick and his impromptu passenger darted across the street and through the narrow passage to find himself hidden in the shadows of the buildings along Second Avenue. Nick stepped back and plucked the pony off his back.

“I've never seen a creature like you before. Are you that hyoo-man I hear about on occasion?”

“Yup,” he replied setting the pony down and ruffling his bright purple mane. “It's pronounced ‘human’, though. But don't worry about it, everypony messes it up from time to time, even the princesses used to.”

The pony nodded enthusiastically. “Well, I'm glad you aren't mad! I know a few creatures who get really fussy if you pronounce their species wrong.”

“Oh, yeah! I almost forgot, thanks for the save back there. I'm Nick. Who are you? And… while I'm at it, what's with the getup? I don't know many ponies who wear clothes.” Nick extended a hand in greeting.

The orange unicorn adjusted his lab coat and shook appendages with his new friend. “Nice to meetcha, Nick! I'm the royal alchemist, Arcane Catalyst! But you can call me Arca!”

Author's Note

OH LAWD
HOLD ONTO YER BUTTS, EVERYONE!

And also a note from my wonderful editor:

WOO! THEY FINALLY MET!!

The Shenanigan Squad

“What a fascinating creature you are, Nick! Bipedal but not like a minotaur, relatively furless…” Arca clambered over Nick like a deranged spider along a wall while the human tried to understand the wacky pony he just met.

“Uh, I appreciate the interest, but I'm KINDA on the run for a prank here! If you aren't gonna help, then we'll have to talk later!”

The mystery unicorn hopped off and sat on his haunches, pondering something. Nick took the moment to take a better look at his new acquaintance. Bright orange fur, a vibrant but unkempt purple mane with orangish-yellowish tips, and the majority of his body was hidden beneath a lab coat. It even covered his cutiemark, so remembering him by it was out for now.

“Hmmm… well, how about we make a deal, then? I came to Canterlot hoping to meet this… human? Was that right?” Nick nodded. “Excellent! Er… to meet this human, as I was saying, and hopefully gather some samples for experimenting. A creature from another world… the possible applications for things such as human fur or other replenishable materials in my potions are so unknown I can't even give you an estimate! So let me take a fur sample from that fur on your head and I'm in.”

“Just some hair? Go ahead then, I- OW!” Nick didn't finish as twenty hairs were plucked from his scalp.

“Excellent! That should be more than enough, Mr. Abernathy.”

“I don't remember telling you my last name, Arca.”

“Oh please. I remember all my customers, bartering, cash payment, or otherwise! That... and Celestia wrote to me about you. Now, down to business. Thanks to my genius potion making skills, I have here the Ultimate Disguise Potion!” He yanked a vial of glowing green liquid from his coat pocket. “Drink this and other ponies will see you as what they most expect to see in whatever scenario you're in. Walk into the castle and the guards might see you as a noble, or head to my town in a lab coat like mine and folks might think you're me! You just have to fully immerse yourself in water to make it wear off. Oh, and shake well before using. With this, escaping will be a piece of cookie!”

“Don't you mean cake?”

“Eh, doesn't matter. Same concept.”

Nick took the potion, shook it vigorously, and chugged it, feeling the magic coursing through his body. “Well, that felt funny. Like static, but inside me. You better drink yours before the princesses show up.”

Arca's eyes widened for a moment. “Oops! I forgot to pack more than one! Not to worry, as long as you stick by me, Celestia will likely see you as my apprentice, Juniper Berry, unless she figures out there's an illusion. Anypony who recognizes there is an illusion can see through it. But that's not all the tricks I have up my sleeve. I am also a master of disguise! Behold!”

“That is a fake mustache.”

“It is a high-quality fake mustache! I even removed the tag this time! Now, let's get to work. Grab those cardboard boxes and wooden crates and I'll make us a disguise so perfect even a truesight spell can't break it!”

Celestia and Luna had split up, hoping to catch Nick before he managed to escape the city and head to Ponyville. Celestia was racing down the streets, looking left and right, when she saw something that made her stop and approach. At the very least, she might be able to get some magical solvent and finally get the last bits of the bench unglued from her flank. It didn't exactly look ‘princessy’.

“Why hello, Cel- I mean, Princess Celestia, your royal majestyness! How may I help you?”

Celestia didn't have an amused expression. “Hello, Arca.” she turned to face Nick, but looked down as though he was pony height. The potion must be working, Nick thought. “Hello, Juniper. Did Arca drag you into this?”

Arcane stepped back in indignation. “How dare you assume who we are? I know nothing of this ‘Arca’! My name is Catalyst Arcane, street alchemist!”

Celestia ripped the fake mustache off of Arca's face.

“Curses! My disguise was foolproof!”

“Nice try, Arca. Now, what are you doing selling potions in a stall that looks like it was assembled out of junk in ten minutes? Although knowing you, those potions on the shelves are genuine. You usually don't just set up shop so hastily unless it's a distraction, and that would mean...” Realization seemed to hit her at that moment, and before her eyes the illusion of Juniper became translucent, revealing who was really there. “Ah, there you are, Nick. Ready to surrender?”

“Quickly, assistant, use the smoke cloud potion! We must escape!”

Nick pulled a flask out of of the impromptu stall they had set up and shook it. “On it! Shake well, right?”

“No, wait, don't shake that one-”

“Hey, Twilight?”

“Yeah, Spike? I'm kinda busy with all these lesson plans for the school.”

“I think the magical map is broken. It looks like there's a giant cloud covering Canterlot.”

“I think that sounds like you're just making excuses to get out of doing your chores, buster.”

Author's Note

Well, I suppose it does count as a distraction... but the Canterlot weather team is gonna have a field day with that one!

Fogged down

The sudden burst of fog was thick, obscuring, and had no discernable end. It was so dense that the ponies in it could see no more than ten feet in any direction. Still holding the effects of his disguise potion, Nick dashed off down the street and quickly disappeared from view.

“Well, so much for ending this early, I suppose. Arcane, do you think you can get rid of this overwhelming fog?”

Arca smiled at Celestia. “Actually, it should dissipate on it's own over an hour or so. Plus, I have to get back home and do some tests on the fur sample Nick gave me! Can you tell him that I'd be willing to send him potions to help him in your little prank war if he will let me visit and collect samples from him on occasion? I can send him a catalog.”

“I suppose. Good luck on your tests, Arca.”

“Thanks, Celly! I can't wait… with my old mentor and my apprentice at my shop right now… I'll bet we could make any potion! Even THAT potion!”

“I seem to recall that Luna and I had solid color manes until the last time you gave us that particular potion.”

“Don't worry, I told you I'd fix it! Eventually. Now, I've gotta get going!” There was a flash of teleportation, and Arca was gone.

Celestia began trotting off towards the castle to try and minimize any panic about the sudden fog, glancing at her multicolored, flowing mane. “I wonder if I can order him to make sure ‘eventually’ never comes? I've grown to like it this way.”

Nick was lost.

Yes, he knew Canterlot very well. Even to the point that he could easily navigate some of the lesser known streets without a map, as to avoid most tourists. But in such a dense fog, and after running in a panic from the moat-tossing princess of the sun…

“Halt! Who goes there? Thou stand before the princess of the night, and…” Nick turned around quickly to find Luna scowling at him. He took a moment to realize that he still had that potion active that made him look like whoever the viewer expected to see there. He could look like anything, be it the fog machine loving Countess Colortura, Discord, King Sombra, or maybe even some secret lover of Luna's from times long gone!

“Nicholas Abernathy. We knew thou was behind this.”

Or, she could expect to see him, and that works too. “Luna! Hi. How are you doing? Lovely weather we're having.”

“Thou has ten seconds to start running before we pursue. We hear the moat gets quite chilly when fog covers the land. Ten.”

“Luna, let's be reasonable here…”

“Eight. Seven.”

Nick stepped back cautiously. “Luna. Luna you're sounding a little angry. Why not talk about this over tea?”

“Four. Three. Two.”

“Crud. Well… HEY LOOK, A DUCK!” Nick pointed in a random direction at nothing, and took off running when Luna looked where he pointed.

“WHO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THE DUCK?!”

Luna turned and looked through the fog at the direction of the other voice she just heard. “Was that…? No, skilled as he was at alchemy, he must have died centuries ago.” she paused a moment to think of her old friend, then snapped back to attention. “WAIT A MOMENT, GET THINE FLANK BACK HERE, NICHOLAS!”

Nick, meanwhile, was already far ahead, and approaching his goal now that he had passed a few landmarks. He had to get in the moat and make this potion wear off before somepony saw him as-

“Unca Nik!”

Nick skidded to a stop across the bridge over the moat, coming face to face with his precious little Snowflake. “Flurry Heart!” He quickly scooped her up into a big hug, which she reciprocated by engulfing his head in her wings. “How did you know it was me, Snowflake? Everypony has been thinking I'm someone else! And what are you doing out here by yourself?”

Flurry reached out and booped Nick on the nose. “Siwwy hyooman! Unca Nik is always on bwidge, gettin’ toss in moot! An Fwurry was pwaying with mommy when big cloud show up! Fwurry got lost.”

Nick nuzzled his honorary niece back, smiling. “Well I'm here for you now, and I'm glad you're okay. And yeah, I do get thrown in the moat a lot, don't I!”

“Unca Nik muss like be in moot! Fwurry help!” she focused, her face scrunching up in concentration, her horn lit with a powerful glow.

“Wait, Flurry, no-”

Sploosh

“Fwurry help! Fwurry help! Fwurry trow Unca Nik in moot!”

“So thou did. Well played, Flurry Heart,” commented Luna, trotting up to meet her grandniece.

“Auntie Woona! Fwurry wan cookie now! Pwease?”

“For thy valiant efforts in defeating Nicholas? We think thou has earned a cookie or two.”

Nick surfaced in the moat, paddling to shore. “Great. Now she's throwing me in too. Bet nopony saw THAT coming…”

“Starlight! Starlight! You have to come quick! The magical map looks like Rainbow Falls is a big ball of fur!”

“You know Spike, Twilight already told me you came to her claiming it looked like Canterlot was covered in a cloud. If you're gonna lie to get out of chores, get your story straight.”

Author's Note

Poor Spike, not having anypony believe him.
And poor Rainbow Falls, for Arca's latest Mane growth potion.

Fun fact: all the things Nick thought Luna might see him as were originally pite trial things she was GOING to see him as and chase him, but I decided to make it like it is after my editor pointed out Luna would suspect Nick.

...but... how many of you were expecting Flurry to do the moat tossing this time?

Splatstick

"Order up, your majesties!”

Short Order, one of the top chefs employed by the crown, placed two delicious-looking plates of noodles in a red sauce in front of Celestia and Luna. The aroma made their mouths water in anticipation.

“Geez, that looks good,” Nick commented, coming up behind them. “I suppose I ought to get some.”

“You really should, Nick.” Celestia took a dainty, princess like nibble of her meal. “It truly is an amazing dish.”

“Perhaps I will. But for now, enjoy your meals!” Nick grabbed both princesses by the back of the head and dunked their faces into the food. “Later, suckers!”

One dunk in the moat later and the royal sisters needed to clean up to make sure their coats didn't stain. Before long they were sitting back in the dining hall looking over a delicious pair of oatmeal bowls. Their mouths watered in anticipation.

“Geez, that looks good,” Nick commented from behind them. “I suppose I should get some.”

“Oh, no, not this time, Nicholas!” Luna charged her magic, her levitation spell locking both her and her sister's heads in the air so they could not be pushed down. “Come, we dare you to try to-”

Nick reached down, grabbed both bowls, and flung them at the princesses. With no time to react, both royal sisters found themselves dripping with warm, slightly soggy oatmeal. “Enjoy your meals, ladies! But for now, I'm outta here!”

“NICHOLAS!”

Another dunk in the moat later and ANOTHER clean-up session and Celestia and Luna were sitting back down at the table over two big stacks of pancakes, drizzled with sticky, delicious syrup. They looked around warily for their human friend, as neither had ever fallen for the same prank more than twice against each other, and they were not about to relinquish that record.

So, they ordered the plates glued to the tablecloth before they arrived. Now all they had to do was not have their faces over the plates and they could finally eat breakfast in peace! Celestia moved to take the first bite…

“Enjoy your meals!”

...as Nick, hidden underneath the table by the tablecloth, used the holes he had sawed out under the plates to lift the sticky breakfast directly into the nuzzles of the princesses. He scurried off towards the moat, not even trying to get away this time.

“Should we go after him, Luna?”

“We shall make sure his dreams are unpleasant tonight… but we still trust him enough to throw himself into the moat. Come, let us clean up… again.”

And so, the two sisters sat down for once more at the breakfast table. This time, a rather delicious looking breakfast of fresh applesauce was laid out in front of the two. The kitchen seemed to be making simpler meals, the sisters thought, knowing what fate was likely to befall their creations. Still, every cloud has a silver lining, and this time that lining was the sheer amount of preparation they had gone through to prevent another round of pranks.

The sisters had chosen a side table to eat at, hoping it had not been booby trapped. There was no tablecloth, either, so no crafty humans could hide under it, and guards were posted at every doorway forbidding access to Nick. Still, Celestia lifted up her bowl to check it as well, with Luna following suit.

“Aha! Look, Luna, there is a coiled spring on the underside of the bowl! He was planning to have them launch up into us. And it looks like there's writing, too.” Luna held the bowl directly above her head as well to look at the underside without spilling her applesauce. Written on the bottom of each bowl was written:

Enjoy your meal. -Nick

And the bottoms of the bowls fell out, drenching the rulers in applesauce.

“NICHOLAS ABERNATHY! THOU SHALT NOT GET US AGAIN WITH THINE SHENANIGANS ONCE MORE!”

“Go ahead and try, moonbutt!” Nick called from the moat outside.

This time no details were overlooked. The royal sisters dined in a secure room, on the floor, heavily guarded, and unfortunately the kitchen had to start working on lunch so their breakfast was leftover minestrone soup.

“Let us get this done quickly, sister,” Luna began. We do not wish to-”

“Geez, that looks good.”

Nick's voice echoed through the air vents leading to the room. Panicking, both princesses concluded that the safest place to be was where the bowls were at that moment, as they tended to move, and so shoved their faces directly into the soup. Nick could be heard again through the vents.

“Thanks again for making me some of the chicken we keep for the griffon ambassadors, Short Order. I wonder if Celestia and Luna are enjoying their meals.”

Realizing they had fooled themselves, the sisters groaned, and went to go grab some fresh apples from the pantry instead. Thankfully, that worked out for them.

Then they threw Nick in the moat for the fifth time that morning, a new record.

Author's Note

I've been sitting on this one for a while, as I was unsure how the 'ultra short skits' chapter layout would do. But I did my best on it, so here you go!

Enjoy your ~~meal~~ chapter.

(En)danger Zone

Nick woke up as he normally did, took his morning shower and got dressed before heading for breakfast in the dining hall. But something was off this time as he strode into the massive room, a few dozen ponies were chatting over clipboards and various scientific instruments. And as soon as he entered, they all turned to face him, discussing with each other.

“Ah, that must be the hyooman! Be cautious, my comrades, we do not want to startle it.”

“Who would dare keep such a rare and exotic creature in captivity? It may very well be the only one of its kind, and the castle keeps it as a pet?”

“We are going to have to talk to the princess about this. It goes against endangered species laws to have one domesticated like...” the last researcher pony trailed off as Nick walked over with a tray of food. “Quick!” he stage whispered to the others. “Act natural!”

“Riiiiiiight,” Nick began. “So, I'm going to pretend that you all weren't talking about me like I couldn't hear you. And I would like to know what your deal is. It's way too early for this.”

The researchers staggered back in shock. “It… it talks?”

Nick groaned and pinched his nose in annoyance. “Yes. He can speak, is intelligent, and has a college degree and full Equestrian citizenship. And my name is Nick, thanks for asking,” he finished sarcastically. With a huff, the human sat down and began eating his pancakes.

One of the researchers, emboldened by the nudge from his two peers, stepped forward to speak with Nick. “Ah. Um… my deepest apologies good sir, I assure you we had no idea you were intelligent. We overheard Princess Twilight talking about a new species residing at the castle and came to investigate. Perhaps you could tell us about your culture?”

Nick grinned mischievously and said, “As a matter of fact…”

“Nick?” Celestia knocked on his bedroom door. “Nick, it's three in the afternoon. You need to wake up.”

“My apologies, your majesty, but I'm afraid I can't permit that.”

Celestia turned around to face a few of her most trusted researchers. “Ah, Wild Safari. Might I ask why I am not allowed to check on my friend?”

“It is part of his culture, your majesty! Hyoomans are to be allowed to sleep in as long as they please, and their rooms are their safe havens! As the only one of his species in Equestria, we have to respect his wishes as it falls under the endangered species act!”

Celestia frowned. “Oh, so he thinks he's clever, does he? Perhaps I need to update that law with clauses for sentient endangered species such as himself. What else did he tell you?”

“Many things that sound like a foal trying to get out of the rules, but it is his culture! We have to respect it. To commit a faux pas against such a rare creature would go against our oaths as researchers of the crown!”

“Right. Well, this is my castle and I'm going in to have a talk with him.” Celestia wrapped the door handle in her magic and turned it.

Wild Safari jumped in her way before she could open the door. “No, your majesty! You cannot interrupt the sacred human ritual of Royal Cake Time!”

She bared her teeth and shouted at the scientist, “The ritual of WHAT?!”

Celestia flung the door open, only to find Nick sitting at a table, reclined in his chair, snacking on one of HER cakes. Moreover, there were at least five more on the table, and he was clearly enjoying himself.

“NICHOLAS!!”

Nick fell backwards and out of his chair in surprise, scrambling to his feet with frosting still on his face. “Uhh… Celly! Long time no see! How are you?”

“Moat. Now.”

Wild Safari stepped forward. “But your majesty, it's no moat day according to hyooman customs!”

Within moments, Nick, Wild Safari, and the other nearby researchers found themselves swimming in the castle moat. “How dare she defy a hyooman custom like that! Nick, we apologize for our ruler's undignified behavior!”

“Eh. I got cake, I'm happy.”

Author's Note

A big thank you to Fistfire for reminding me that Nick mentioned 'endangered species privilege' one time! This chapter never would have happened without you!

My Mane is Inigo Munchoya

“Celestia, you called for me? What's up?” Nick asked as he strode into one of the more secluded conference rooms of Canterlot Castle, coming face to muzzle with not only Celestia, but also Twilight Sparkle. Laid out on the table were two slices of very appetizing cake, adorned with decorations and frosting so delicious looking that it made Nick's mouth water just looking at it. “Whoa. That for me?”

Celestia smiled her usual motherly smile. “One is. And I'll even let you choose which slice you want. But since you've been so devious recently, I thought I might add an extra filling to the mix.” She levitated a vial into Nick's view, waiting for him to read it.

“Arca's lava java nine alarm oh goddess no here it comes dragon breath hot sauce? Hoo boy. You know I don't do spicy too well. Let me guess, you spiked one of the slices with it?”

“Yes, my little human, I have added it to one of the cakes. Now, choose your fate.”

Nick let his gaze carefully wander over both slices, scanning for any irregularities or indications of tampering. He found none. For all intents and purposes, they were the exact same slices of cake. One in front of Celestia, and one in front of the chair he proceeded to sit in.

“Hmmm… so which one has the hot sauce? Naturally, the easiest form of this is to put it in the other person's food. But you told me about the fact one of these is spiked with hot sauce, so clearly it can't be that simple.”

“Well, anypony could tell you that,” Twilight chimed in.

“Shush, I'm thinking, Sparky. Now, if she expected me to think it was simple, Celly would have spiked her cake, expecting me to take it. But in a formal setting, she knows I would never steal her food, so she planned and held this in a private room where I could take her cake, fully expecting me to take hers, so I can't take hers since it might have the sauce!”

Twilight turned to her fellow princess. “Are all humans this loony?”

“If they are, it's a miracle they get anything done.”

“...but it's Tuesday! The cafeteria usually serves spicy foods on Tuesday, so it stands to reason that you have spiked the cake in front of me, having already eaten spicy food today, yet it also stands to reason that you spiked your cake, gambling on the fact that having spicy food already today made you more acclimated to the spicy flavor! Twilight, what were the chefs serving today?”

Twilight swayed in her seat alittle, eyes closed in thought. “I think it was hay and daisy sandwiches.”

“AHA!” Nick slammed his hand on the table dramatically, pointing his finger at Celestia. “You knew that I avoid lunch on Tuesdays, ordering special from the chefs, so you clearly had bland food today to prep for the potential of eating spicy food, which would mean you likely spiked your own cake… But you don't eat in the dining hall! So you clearly spiked my cake, thinking that I wouldn't remember that fact!”

Celestia giggled. It was a very formal and regal giggle, hiding her smile behind her wing. “It seems your memory is better than I expected, Nick.”

“Hey! You hid your smile! You're still hiding something! You hid a third slice around here, didn't you?”

“No, Nick. I promise these are the only slices of cake in the room. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Celestia quickly repeated the motions of the Pinkie Promise.

“Then there's only one possible answer!” Nick lunged forward and grabbed the slice of cake in front of Celestia, shoveling it into his mouth. He chewed, chewed some more, and swallowed triumphantly. “Ha HA! I win, Celly! Now I get to watch so you eat the spiked caaaAAAAAAAAA!” Nick began screaming in pain as he stuck out his tongue and tried to scrape the taste off. When that failed, he grabbed the other slice of cake and stuffed that in his mouth. He seemed relieved.

“Mmmmmm… mmm? MmmmMMMAAARRRGGGH!” ...or not, as he spat the cake onto the floor and bolted out of the room, red faced and sweating, to find something to stop the burning pain his mouth.

“Wow, Celestia,” Twilight began. She didn't notice, but the solar alicorn’s mirthful expression saddened a bit as her former student refused to use informal names. “how did you know he'd take yours?”

“I didn't. Both had hot sauce. When you control an object so hot as the sun…” she paused to take a sip of hot sauce straight from the bottle. “...you can handle any amount of heat. Mmm, this one's a good batch, you should try some.”

Twilight shied away a little. “I think I'll pass. But you said you only spiked one with hot sauce! You lied!”

Celestia giggled, less refined this time. “Loopholes, my little princess. I only spiked one cake, mine to be precise, with this hot sauce. I spiked the other cake slice with this one,” she explained. “Remember, just because you have two identical objects does not mean they have to be called the same thing. I added a bit of human flair Nick told me about to make this other bottle a little different.” She then levitated a second bottle for Twilight to inspect. She read the label aloud.

“Arca's lava java nine alarm oh goddess no here it comes dragon breath hot sauce… & Knuckles?”

Author's Note

...you ate my cake.
Prepare to pie!

Chitty Chitty Bath Bath

“You want to do WHAT?!” Celestia could barely form the words to say even that at her friend's ridiculous request.

Nick, on the other hoof, simply leaned back against a pillar of the throne room for balance. “I'll say it again. I want you to enchant the Bathmobiletm so it flies. That way I can pester Luna with water balloons from above!”

“She can fly, you silly human.”

“Okay, maybe I'll do a bombing run on Blueblood. So, can you or can you not get me a magic flying bathtub?”

“Fine. I'll have my mages do the necessary enchantments, and have it back to you as soon as they can.” Celestia watched Nick nod and begin to leave, before adding, “you don't actually bathe in it, right?”

The amused human turned, winked at the solar alicorn, and smiled. “Yes, I use it to bathe in the joys of a prank done right as I make my getaways. But for what you mean, nah. I use the fancy bathroom attached to my suite.”

“Good. See you at dinner, Nick.”

“Have fun with all the bureaucracy, Celly!”

The next day, Nick was using a few guards to haul a crate full of water balloons (water balloons filled with syrup to be exact, as it's stickier) to the training grounds. There, Celestia stood next to the upgraded Bathmobiletm. Magic runes decorated its surface, glowing with energy. “Hello, Nick. As you can see, I have upheld my promise. One flying bathtub, ready for launch.”

“Awesome! Thanks Celly, you guys are the best!” Nick rushed forward and hopped in the vehicle, loading a few dozen ‘sticky bombs’ into it as well. “So, how do I fly this thing?” He asked eagerly.

“Oh, you don't get to fly it, my dear Mr. Abernathy,” came the reply. But it wasn't from the alabaster mare in front of Nick. No, instead a twisting, mismatched, serpentine creature slithered down from above, grinning like a madman. “Hello, Nick. Any last words?”

Nick gulped audibly in fear. “I changed my mind. I'd like to get off the ride, please.”

Discord chuckled. “Sorry, my boy. But your seat is already in its upright and locked position, and your seatbelt is securely fastened,” he explained, snapping his talons. In an instant, Nick was tied up in several standard-issue seatbelts. “Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times during flight, or don't, because it's more fun that way. Enjoy the ride!”

“Oh, geez.”

Discord snapped his talons again, and the tub took off like a rocket, carrying a screaming human as it launched into the air. It even did a few corkscrews for flair, flinging several of the syrup-filled surprises onto various guards, statues, and even Celestia.

Celestia licked some of the syrup off her lips before sparing one last glance at the out of control bathing receptacle weaving between the castle ramparts. “Discord?” she asked, turning to her former enemy. “This seems like far too much syrup for a single balloon. Did you enchant these?”

The draconequus shrugged. “Only to make them make whatever they hit sticky and gooey. But face it, you needed to be a little sweeter! Bwahaha!”

The glare he got could probably melt steel.

“Oh, lighten up. Here, how about I do this?” Another snap, and as Celestia looked at the result, she grinned.

“Yes, that will do nicely.”

Nick was not having a fun time as his magical flying bathtub weaved to and fro through the air. Yes, it was like a roller coaster, but at the same time it was one where he couldn't see the track. Couple that with his current state of ‘hogtied by safety equipment’ and the fact his syrup bombs were splattering ponies and expensive things left and right, and he had a whole trio of ‘why me?’s to scream as he rocketed through the halls.

Although he finally managed to nail Blueblood with a syrup bomb, ruining not only his coat but his expensive, ridiculous looking vest. That bomb had also been specially powered up by Discord, it seemed, as the Prince had to tap dance to walk in any direction. Thankfully the tub had stayed still so Nick could see that and laugh, but before long it was off like a shot.

“Well, at least I’ve finally run out of syrup bombs. Maybe now this crazy ride can finally end.” He relaxed a bit as his vehicle flew out into the courtyards, but immediately tensed up upon seeing Discord's second trick. “Oh no. Oh dear god, no.”

After making a splashdown in the syrup moat, Nick had to spend three hours getting all the sticky syrup off of him. Celestia, Luna, and Discord laughed at him for days, and Nick started planning his retaliatory prank...

Author's Note

Thank you to Light Heart101 for the idea of trying to make the Bathmobiletm fly!

Ponyvision

Nick woke up in his plush bed, stretching and yawning the stiffness in his joints away. It seemed he had slept in one position all night, leaving his body awkward to start up and get going.

Still, he persevered, fighting against the urge to stay under the warm covers and wiggled his way to the edge of the bed. His room was illuminated in the morning light, its immaculate walls, decor, and carpeting reminding him he lived like a king thanks to his friendship with two wonderful pony princesses. Then the sun shone right in his eyes, and he quickly finished rolling out of bed.

Only one problem, though. As soon as he hit the floor, he fell forward flat on his face, tasting the carpet.

“Ow! Okay, legs, very funny. Now can we please start the day?” Nick forced himself to all fours and groaned. “Stupid gravity. Alright, take two…” he grasped at the side of the bed, only for his grip to fail and his limb to slide off the bed. Groaning, he tried again, flinging his front legs onto the bed to steady himself on the bed.

He let go, steadying himself on two legs, only to fall backwards and land next to a light brown earth pony who happened to be laying on the floor. Then he realized it was his standing mirror.

“Oh, somepony is gonna pay for this, big time.”

“Dost thou truly think thou can do that whilst an earth pony, Nicholas? Or should we call thee Nickel Ingot for now?” Luna poked her head in the door and chuckled at the new pony. To Nick, she looked far taller than normal. “It will wear off in a little while, but for now thou look like such a cute stallion! Now catch us if thou can, we have the antidote to turn back early!” She waggled a vial of orange liquid in front of her using her magic, then trotted off slowly. “We won't even gallop!”

“Get back here, Luna! I'm gonna-oof!” Nick scrambled to his hooves, but fell flat on his face again as he was unaccustomed to having a quadrupedal stance, no hands, and hooves in place of said hands. So, he did the next best thing. He stuck his rump in the air, pedaled his back legs, and scooted out the door and down the hall after Luna.

“Aw, aren't you just adorable like that, Nick.” Hearing the voice of princess Celestia, Nick turned and scowled. Granted, the effect was lost as he glared up at the solar alicorn from the floor, but it was still there. “Luna! Honestly, this is NOT what I had in mind when we discussed this.”

Luna poked her head out from the end of the hall. “And what did thou intend, sister? Thou suggested we turn him into a pony for a little while, how else were we supposed to do that? No known transformation spells work on humans.”

As the sisters argued, their conversation seemed to get more and more distant. Then the walls started fading, then the floor…

Nick awoke with a start. He looked left and right, only to find Celestia and Luna at his bedside.

“Wha- you!” He pointed accusingly at Luna. “You messed with my dreams!”

“Calm down, Nick,” Celestia calmly explained. “This was not what I had intended, but Luna went ahead with it before I could clarify. Here, take this potion. It should calm your nerves, among other things.”

Nick took the cup and downed it in one swig. “Thanks, Celly. I prefer just showing you two human stuff in my dreams. Next time your sister suggests pranking in dreamland, tell her I vote neigh! Wait, WHAT?” He covered his mouth, noting it sounded a little higher pitched. “Oh, oh no…” Nick felt the fingers on his hands slowly fusing together as Luna stared in shock.

Celestia chortled. “Oh, yes, Nick. I do believe you'll look quite nice as one of my subjects for a day, especially since that potion actually gives you the muscle memory you need to act the part. I should really ask my royal alchemist for help more often. Luna, I believe you'll meet him when we go to the Rainbow Falls trade exchange this spring.”

“I'm gonna get you two for this.”

That earned Nick a laugh from Luna. “Not today, Nicholas! T'would be treason to attack us unless thou were the human Nicholas! Thou art a pony! Oh, this will be splendid. Prepare for revenge for all the times thou pet us without permission, colt!”

“Uh-oh.”

Author's Note

DON'T PANIC THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY

Nick will be back to normal within a chapter or two.

New in Town

Many of the guards had to do double takes as a pony they had never seen before exited the guest wing of Canterlot castle. He was a light brown earth pony stallion, with a slightly unkempt dark brown mane. He strode with purpose, as though he was a powerful noble, each step judged carefully. Strong and well built, he clearly took care of his body, having the stature that most stallions would envy him for.

One of the guardsmares approached him cautiously. “Hello sir, may I help you?”

“It's quite alright, miss. I know where I am going,” he replied. His voice was masculine and deep, commanding respect from all who heard him. Truly, a stallion among stallions. “Thank you, though. The work you all do for the good of Equestria deserves more appreciation than you get.” With measured steps, he trotted out of the room towards the dining hall.

As soon as he was gone, all the guardsmares in the room swooned simultaneously. “Oh, sweet Celestia above, who was THAT?”

“He was so attractive!”

“And respectful!”

“He carried himself like a prince! I don't think I've ever met a stallion like him! I can only wonder what went through his head when he saw us...”

The mystery stallion walked into the dining hall, and eyes turned to look at him from all over the room. He slowly maneuvered over to a table, making sure to not bump into anypony. He didn't even call for any of the maids to get him food.

“Sir, do you need anything?” One of the maids asked as she walked over.

“As much as I would love some food, take your time. I know you're busy, and I don't want to overwork you.”

“Oh, it's no problem, sir. What can I get you?”

“Just some oatmeal, maybe an apple. And some tea, too. And please, call me Nick...el. Nickel Ingot. There's no need for formalities.”

“Oh! O-of course, Nickel. My apologies.” She dashed off before Nickel could get a word in, leaving the stallion to his own devices. It wasn't long before his meal was brought to him, and he ate his food with the slow, graceful movements much like his walking. It was as though this pony was pure class incarnate, as his behavior, kind attitude, and respect towards the staff were right out of a storybook.

Suddenly, the exact opposite of the formal stallion strode through the doors. “Good morning, peasants! Where is my breakfast?” Blueblood demanded, trotting over to the table Nickel was at and sat next to him. “Just look at this terrible service, am I right?” He asked Nickel. “Nobility such as us shouldn't have to be kept waiting. I'm surprised Auntie Celestia hasn't fired every last one of them.”

Nickel stared slack-jawed at Blueblood. “You DO realize you came in unannounced, right? Nopony could cook that fast, not even you.”

“Hmph! You're just as annoying as that pesky ape that roams around this castle,” he replied. “Fine, I'll make you a bet! I'll go make my own breakfast, and if I can't have it done in the five minutes I expect my incompetent staff to have it done by, which I certainly will, I'll give you some of my stocks in a few wealthy businesses!”

“Hm… deal.”

Twenty minutes and a ruined kitchen later, Nickel was quite a bit richer. He spent the next hour helping the staff clean the kitchen, something they appreciated.

As Nickel got up to leave, a pair of guards approached. “Nickel Ingot, was it? Princesses Celestia and Luna have requested a private audience with you. Please come with us.” As soon as the entourage left the room, a few visiting nobles began chattering amongst themselves again.

“He knows both princesses well enough for a private meeting, and he got Blueblood to humiliate himself? Just who is he?”

“With a name like Nickel Ingot, I'd bet he runs a mining company. I ought to offer him a share of my stock too, as a gesture of goodwill!”

“Perhaps we should show him around the city. I could offer him dinner at my restaurant, it has a five-star rating!”

“Not if I invite him first!”

Meanwhile, Celestia and Luna watched as Nickel walked into their private meeting room.

“So, Nick, how has your morning as a pony been so far?”

“Pretty weird. It all started after I left my room…”

Author's Note

Stallion Nick is something else, huh? And he doesn't even know it.

Not so new in town

Nick, or as he was calling himself for now, Nickel Ingot, was having one of the worst mornings he'd had in ages. These four hooves were hard to control even with a decent amount of muscle memory built in, so he had to very carefully judge each step he took lest he collapse, fall over, or crash into something.

Still, he perserved, slowly but surely judging each step he took as to not humiliate himself via faceplant in the hallway. He had to admit this new body came with a fair amount of built-in muscle, clearly designed for taking a beating and moving heavy loads, so it might have been for the best that he had that to back him up if he fell.

That was, at least, until he pushed open the door leading from the royal guest wing to the main hallway that led to the dining hall. Several guardsmares were staring right at him.

Oh, crud! He thought to himself. They are probably gonna ask for identification, and I don't have any! He froze up for a moment, but then decided to just keep going. With what he thought were shaky, uncoordinated steps, he walked towards the dining hall. Maybe Celestia already told them what to expect? None of them are reacting, so-

“Hello sir, how may I help you?”

CRUD!

Nick responded before he could think, months of dealing with new guards thinking he was lost taking control. “It's quite alright, miss. I know where I am going,” he replied. Sweet nibletts, was that my voice? Why is it so deep? Quick, act natural, Nick! “Thank you, though. The work you all do for the good of Equestria deserves more appreciation than you get.” He kept walking, step after careful step, praying that nopony would call him out. Thankfully, none did, and he let out a sigh as as he returned to a slightly faster, yet more sloppy, way of trotting along.

It was a little while before Nick reached the dining hall, having learned a bit more about how to pony correctly on the way. He had managed go keep his light trot going while becoming far more graceful in his strides. Still, he slowed down as he approached the great door that lead to his precious morning nom noms, he hesitated. What could possibly await him on the other side of the door?

Nick pushed the door open, and was greeted by the wonderful sounds and smells of the royal dining hall. Various species of creatures in uniforms of different castle staff positions chowed down on their meals with gusto, but one by one a few ponies stared at him as he cantered over to a chair and sat down.

“Sir, do you need anything?” One of the maids asked as she walked over.

Ah, crud! I can't ask for the food I normally get! I have to make an excuse! Nick allowed himself a moment to breathe, then replied. “As much as I would love some food, take your time. I know you're busy, and I don't want to overwork you.”

“Oh, it's no problem, sir. What can I get you?”

Dang it! Now I have to think of something. What do horses eat? “Just some oatmeal, maybe an apple. And some tea, too. And please, call me Nick...el. Nickel Ingot. There's no need for formalities.”

“Oh! O-of course, Nickel. My apologies.”

Nick let out a sigh of relief as the maid trotted away. He hated oatmeal, but it was the first thing that came to mind, so he had to take it. When his food was brought to him, he begrudgingly took up his spoon and had a bite, actually finding that his transformation had altered his tastes. It was a phenomenal sensation, and he took his time savoring every bite.

“Good morning, peasants! Where is my breakfast?” Blueblood demanded, trotting over to the table Nickel was at and sat next to him. “Just look at this terrible service, am I right?” He asked Nickel. “Nobility such as us shouldn't have to be kept waiting. I'm surprised Auntie Celestia hasn't fired every last one of them.”

Nickel stared slack-jawed at Blueblood. Wow, what a jerk! And I thought being in the receiving end of his rants was bad. Maybe I can use this to teach him some manners, though. “You dorealize you came in unannounced, right? Nopony could cook that fast, not even you.”

“Hmph! You're just as annoying as that pesky ape that roams around this castle,” he replied. “Fine, I'll make you a bet! I'll go make my own breakfast, and if I can't have it done in the five minutes I expect my incompetent staff to have it done by, which I certainly will, I'll give you some of my stocks in a few wealthy businesses!”

“Hm… deal.”

Blueblood nodded and stormed off into the kitchens. Nick sat and finished off his breakfast, waiting. Five minute passed, then ten, then twenty…

And then Blueblood stomped back out of the kitchen, which was currently on fire, summoned a few papers of stock ownership in his magic, and indignantly tossed them to Nick before trotting off. Nick spent the next hour helping clean up, until he got called to meet with the sisters…

“And that's been my day so far. At least I got these,” Nick concluded, holding out the aforementioned stock papers to Celestia. “Think you can lend me a ha-hoof with these?”

“Certainly, my little pony.”

“Don't you start, too.”

Author's Note

Same chapter, dofferent point of veiw. Turns out Nick isn't such a ladies man after all... just lucky.

Apple a day

“So, how long is this going to last? I don't exactly see either of you having me turned into a pony forever.” Nickel Ingot paced around the conference room in front of Celestia and Luna, his deep voice echoing ever so slightly off the walls.

Luna raised an eyebrow at the rather impressive, chiseled stallion in front of her. Whoever Celestia asked to arrange this transformation certainly knew what they were doing. “Art thou sure about that, Nicholas? Oh, our apologies. Art thou sure about that, Nickel? Thine new body is rather dashing, thou would certainly be a… what was the word thou used... ‘ladykiller’ here with a physique such as that.”

“Luna's right, you know,” Celestia butted in. “As far as earth ponies go, you are very attractive as one. If I were a mare your age I'd be all over you, but neither I nor my sister think we could handle the emotional trauma of losing a lover. Unfortunately, that leaves only Discord for the time being…”

“...and we would rather spend another millenia on the moon than be his betrothed,” Luna finished.

Celestia shrugged with her wings. “Regardless, I did not allot much time for this meeting, I just wanted to see that you were doing alright. I have a meeting with my physician in thirty minutes. Even alicorn princesses need check ups, after all.”

“Oh. Is that today?” Unaccustomed to pony mannerisms, Nick displayed every equine tell that he was suddenly stressed. “Well, I won't keep you. I better get going, I have very important pony things to go do!” Nick hastily wobble-walked out of the room, leaving the two sisters giggling at his antics.

“Dost thou think he tried to sabotage thy appointment? We doubt he would do that to thee.”

Celestia grinned smugly. “I suppose I'll need to go find out, won't we?” She trotted out after Nick, quickly turning towards her chambers for her upcoming appointment.

Doctor Cross gave Celestia a big smile as he finished his examination of her. He always enjoyed house calls. Or, in this case, castle calls. “Well, your majesty, you seem to be in perfect working order! Healthy heart, no breathing problems, bone density is well within the average for a pony your height…”

The solar diarch put on a obviously fake concerned look. “So I'm not going to die in my sleep and never have to touch paperwork again? Oh, Doctor Cross, I don't think I can handle the stress of work anymore!” She held a hoof to her eyes and leaned back in her best impression of an upset Rarity, and stayed still for a few moments. Silence permeated the room until she opened one eye and stared at the bespectacled brown unicorn. “Really? No concern at all?”

“Your majesty, with all due respect,” he began, finishing his notes and moving his clipboard out of the way. “I have been seeing you as a patient for twenty-five years, and not only have you been nothing short of the picture of health during that time, your oldest medical records dating back over a thousand years show the same thing. There is nothing that you haven't been able to handle as far as disease, not even counting the friends you have to call in favors to help you recover when you do get sick. Now, all I will need is your weight, and I'll be on my way.”

Celestia lit her horn and summoned her spring-loaded bathroom scale. She stepped onto the scale, watching the numbers spin by as they settled on… a message that was put in place of the numbers?

Lay off the cakes, sunbutt! -Nick

“You will have to excuse me, doctor. I have somepony to go deal with. Please show yourself out.”

Moments later, Celestia was holding a rather attractive earth pony above the moat in her magic. “Any last words before I drop you, Nick?”

“Wait, wait! I don't know how to swim as a pony. You can't drop me in like this, I'll drown!”

“Oh, of course. Silly me.” Celestia cast a spell, and while Nick expected to be wearing inflatable water toys to help him float, he instead found himself turned into a seapony like Twilight had done to visit the hippogriffs. “There, a temporary spell to help you out. Now, I will ask again. Any last words before I drop you, Nick?”

“I pretended to be a maintenance pony so I could sneak into your cake stash. Should help you lose weight.”

Not a second later, Nick hit the water.

Nick or Nickel

The sun had just finished setting, and Celestia was sitting back down at her desk to finish up the last of her paperwork for the day. She pondered about Nick’s whereabouts, as she had not seen him since lunch, but figured he had things under control. That was, at least, until a tired, yet regal stallion pushed the doors to the office open with his head. Nick had bags under his eyes, he looked hungry, and he was still a pony.

“Nick?” Celestia got up and inspected her friend. “What happened?”

“Long story short, I got involved in quite the adventure today. When does this potion wear off, Celly? I want to be human again.”

Celestia wrapped a wing around Nick’s torso, which he found rather soothing as a pony. “Don’t worry Nick, it should wear off soon. The potion was only set to last for twelve hours. I gave it to you at eight o’clock this morning, and it’s nine in the evening now, so it should… have… worn… off.” She flipped her gaze back to Nick, a hint of panic in her eyes. “Why hasn’t it worn off?!”

“Why are you asking me?! I don’t know the first thing about potions! What, do you expect the answer to magically appear on your desk?!” He gestured frantically to the pile of paperwork on Celestia’s desk, and she trained her gaze on it as well.

“Quack.”

Nick lost any and all of his panic as it turned to confusion. “Uh, Celly, why is there a duck on your desk? There aren’t even any windows open, and I didn’t see it come in.”

Celestia merely shook her head, giggling ever so slightly. “Oh, that’s just the ‘pet’ of the stallion who made that potion. It has a tendency to just… show up. And how are you doing, my little ducky? I missed you.” She reached out and stroked it on the back with her hoof, the mystery waterfowl appearing to enjoy it.

“Quack.”

The Duck preened its wing for a moment, then stood up and waddled over to investigate Celestia’s peytral. Its movements were awkward, though, due to the scroll stuck to its foot. “Oh, what have we here?” Celestia inquired, levitating The Duck up in her magic and snatching the parchment from it. “I don’t see why my royal alchemist has so much trouble catching you when you get loose. You’re just a silly bundle of feathers! Yes you are!” She nuzzled it, then summoned a birdcage and placed the bird inside it, locking it shut. “Now, let’s see here…”

Dear Princess-Boss Celestia,

I recently found this neat spell that writes what I say so I can write letters while I work! But that’s besides the point. I discovered something about that pony transformation potion you had me make. Temporarily juxtaposing a magical matrix on the sub-thaumaturgical level will- oh, floof. I ran out of limes again. Where was I? Oh, right. I won’t bore you with the details, but if you give that potion to a nonmagical creature like your human friend, there is a slight risk. Yes, I included an illusory cutie mark, but should he gain a real one the magical matrix could permanently imprint itself on him, or fuse with him or something, and OW! Ow ow ow ow ow I spilled acid on my leg! That was NOT fun! Hang on, I’m gonna soak it in water! This ought to help with THE WATER IS BOILING! OW OW OW OW

...A-anyway, if your human friend Nick gains a cutie mark while under the potion’s effects, it could have one of two consequences. If he’s not lucky, it would lock him into that form, and he’d be stuck as a pony until I could work out an antidote. Let me know if that happens, by the way, I’d gladly fix that mistake free of charge. The other possible outcome is that he might be able to swap between human and pony forms at will, similar to how a changeling can alter its biology on the fly but only between his human and pony forms. Switching would likely be caused by a will to change, or if my guess is right he might also be able to use-

Quack

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE YOU STUPID DUCK?! NO WAIT PUT THAT SCROLL DOWN! I NEED TO SEND THAT TO CELESTIA!

Quack

HOLD STILL! NO WAIT DON’T PECK AT THAT, THAT’S A HIGH EXP-

Celestia rolled the scroll back up, choosing to ignore the burn marks on the bottom of it. “Well, Nick, you heard me read that. And now that I get a better look at you, I see your flank has a pile of coins pictured on it instead of metal ingot you left with this morning. Am I going to have to call Pinkie to throw you a Cute-ceañera?”

“Ugh.” Nick facehooved. “You might as well, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t already setting it up. But tell her to keep it between us, Luna, and the elements, okay? Now then…” Nick closed his eyes and focused hard, and in a flash of light, he was once again a human. His clothes that he was wearing that morning even came back! He gave Celestia a sly grin. “Oh, I’m gonna have fun with this…”

“I’m just glad everything turned out alright,” she replied. “I suppose I should have Twilight come check you for any side effects, too.”

“Sounds good. Hey, where’d that duck go? The cage is empty.”

The solar alicorn looked back at the birdcage, and sure enough, there was no trace of The Duck in it aside from a single white feather.

“Okay, maybe its owner wasn’t exaggerating when he called it an escape artist. Hey, now that I think about it, how did you get your cutie mark? Tell me, tell me!”

The human chuckled. “That, my dear princess, is a story for another day…”

Author's Note

Just how did Nick get his mark? Well, you all asked, so I'm working on a spinoff of his life as a pony right now! I also made a new story called My Life's a Sitcom if you're interested.

Munched 9: The Mane Event

The royal kitchens were relatively active compared to the normal lunch rush, due to a large number of diplomats present, but that hardly slowed the chefs down. An unexpected intruder, on the other hoof, drew lots of attention as he strode through the doors.

“Ah, good afternoon, you wonderful masters of the culinary arts. Do not mind me,” he explained in a strong, masculine voice. “My name is Nickel Ingot, and I am a federal door inspector. I was asked by Celesta to come and inspect her cake vault. Please, don't worry, I will be as quiet as I can.” Nick, disguised as Nickel, grinned. He was banking on this scheme working, and getting him unfettered access to the cake stash for a few hours.

Surprisingly enough, the chefs bought the ruse, and even the guards stepped aside as Nickel opened the vault and walked in, closing the door behind him. “Heheh, those ponies are too trusting. All the cake I could want, and… hello, what have we here?” As his eyes scanned the shelves, he noticed a small vial nestled between two double-layer chocolate cakes. He reached over and picked it up. It contained a small dose of some liquid, with a label reading ‘taste bud enhancer’ seemingly covering some older label.

“Some kinda potion to make stuff taste better, huh? Welp, bottoms up!” He uncorked the vial and swallowed its contents, wincing slightly at the rather bitter taste. “Ugh, figures it would try and enhance the bad too. Now let's see, what to eat first…” Nickel idly scratched his head with his hoof, a sudden itch developing along his mane. A similar sensation formed at the base of his tail, but he couldn't reach there without falling over. He was, however, able to turn and look at his tail as the itching increased in intensity.

Suddenly, as the itching reached unbearable levels, his tail was pulled into him as his mane rapidly extended. It looked rather comical, almost as though his mane and tail were all one long cluster of threads running over him. And that seemed to be the case, as his mane fell off like a cheap wig, leaving Nick without a mane or tail.

He tried to stammer out some kind of explanation. “Wh-WHAT?! That's not how biology works!” But his mane abandoning him got even stranger, as the strands of hair twisted together to form some sort of rope-snake, and it slithered away through the door connecting the vault to the kitchens as one of the guards opened it to check on him. “Hey! Get back here! Somepony catch that… whatever you wanna call it!” He galloped out the door after it, only to fall flat on his face as the hairsnake laid flat on the floor and tripped him. It slithered off into the dining hall.

“And what, pray tell, has thou in such a good mood, dear sister?”

As Celestia entered the dining hall with Luna, she giggled. “Oh, nothing. I just so happened to… accidentally leave a dose of the most infamous potion in Equestria among my cakes. And according to my alarm spell, a certain somehuman just drank it.”

“SOMEPONY STOP THAT THING!!” A maneless Nickel Ingot burst from the kitchen in hot pursuit of a strangely hairy snakelike creature. The hairsnake coiled itself up and leapt onto the table, landing in an ambassador's soup. He looked appalled.

“Ugh, and I thought one hair in my soup was bad enough!”

The hairsnake slithered among various other meals as Nickel dove onto the table to catch it, sending plates and silverware flying all over the place. Finally grabbing it in his mouth, the mass of hair attached itself to his upper lip and went limp, giving him a ridiculously long moustache.

Celestia and Luna fell over laughing.

Celestia stared in shock at the headline of the paper the next morning in her office.

Nickel Ingot praised for trampling tainted meals, preventing food poisoning for dozens of ambassadors. Decides to shave record-breaking moustache.

Right on time, there was a knock on her door, signaling Nick meeting her for a cup of morning tea. She opened the door wide, meeting her human friend at eye level.

“Good morning, Ni-”

A very bald Nick glared at her. “Not. One. Word.”

Celestia spoke no words, settling for having another laughing fit.

Author's Note

Requests for a certain potion to appear in this story have really been growing over the past few weeks.
I'd even go so far as to say it's my mane request at the moment...

Muck and Cover

“Presenting her royal majesty, princess Celestia!”

Celestia strode out onto the balcony to address her loyal subjects. She always enjoyed these public speeches, they reminded her subjects that everything was going to be alright and that there was still somepony at the metaphorical wheel, protecting them.

“My loyal subjects, I am happy to announce that a bill has been passed to ensure that the streets of Canterlot are kept clean of any detritus. With the wonderful support of several charities devoted to the environment, Canterlot will be a much cleaner, more beautiful place!” She raised her hoof to signal she was finished, and the crowd stomped the ground in applause. “Let us look forward to a new era in keeping the city clean!”

As the crowd cheered, a huge glob of mud came soaring over the castle, striking Celestia directly on the head with a mighty splat! There was a palpable silence in the air as the crowd watched in horror. Who would dare do such a thing to their beloved ruler? Celestia wiped her eyes clean of the mud, and with her mane still sagging from the wet earth stuck to it, gave them their answer.

“NIIIIIIIIICK!”

“Good grief, woman!” The castle's resident human opened his room's window a few yards away from the balcony overlooking the courtyard she had chosen for this speech. He was still wearing his full-body pajamas and a nightcap adorned with a certain fashionista's cutie mark. “It's one in the afternoon! Can't a guy get some sleep on the weekend? I've been running myself ragged pranking you all week, and-”

SPLAT! Another dollop of mud came flying over the castle, this time hitting Nick and caking his outfit in mud. Somewhere, a mare fainted onto a conveniently placed couch. “HEY!” He shut the window, and his stomping could be heard as he descended the stairs and hallways to the balcony Celestia was on. Coming out to stand beside her, he grabbed Celestia by the head and stared straight into her eyes. “What's the big idea?! Rarity is gonna kill me for ruining this outfit!”

“Hey, don't blame me for this! I thought you did it! You're the one who asked Discord for that infinite range homing mortar that targets whoever you name with mud!”

“Well it couldn't have been me, either! Luna confiscated it last week!” There was a pause, and it seemed to click for both of them.

“LUNA!”

“Don't look at us, t'was not our fault this time!” Luna stepped into view from her tower's balcony, her own coat covered in grime. “We were just about to clean up, and then accost thee for ruining our coat!” Throwing her normal regal presence to the wind, she flew down to the balcony to join Nick and Celestia, an evil glint in her eye.

Nick realized what was about to happen two seconds too late. “Luna, no!”

Luna shook off like a dog, spraying flecks of mud all over Nick, Celestia, and the crowd below. Somewhere, the aforementioned fashionista screamed into a pillow as Nick's pajamas got even dirtier. “Take that, Nicholas, you scoundrel! Thou should never ruin thy princess's coat with such substances!”

“It wasn't me, though! You took my mud mortar! I thought it was you!”

“What?” Luna questioned with a shout. “Thy weapon vanished from storage yesterday, we thought thou had stolen it back!”

“Well if it wasn't you, and it wasn't Celly, then WHO HAS MY MORTAR?!”

“Hey there, my little snowflake! What ya got there? Did you get a new toy?”

“Daddy! Wook! Fwurry Hart is masser shef!”

Shining Armor trotted over to look at his daughter, who had acquired a chef had and was playing in the mud with some odd contraption. “Making mud pies, are we? Do you need any help, sweetheart?”

“Nop! Fwurry haz gud de… dewiveree… pie senning macheen! Wook!” Flurry scooped up a glob of mud, and loaded it into the mortar. “Senn dis to aunny Twiwite, pwease!”

Thoom! The mortar fired, dooming Twilight to a rather messy afternoon. Flurry loaded another salvo, still oblivious to what she was doing.

“Senn dat one too Unca Nik! He wikes pie!”

Thoom!

“Aw, you look like you're having fun. Can I order one from master chef Flurry Heart?”

“Yeh, daddy! Here! Senn did one to daddy Shin Armurr!”

Thoom!
Splat!

Author's Note

Suggested by, shockingly, two people! Both Pederson28 and Light Heart 101 gave me ideas of an ultra-long-range cannon, although their ideas had Nick shooting paint instead of the flurry of mud you see here.

How I met your Princess

Nick leaned back into the soft grass of the castle gardens and stared up at the clouds, humming a wordless tune to himself as his companion stretched her wings and limbs in the afternoon sun. He knew it was rare for Twilight to catch a break while in Canterlot given her princessly duties, so he had scheduled a time for her to ‘learn about one of the most important aspects of modern human culture’, or as he really meant, ‘slack off and do zilch’.

“Hey, Nick,” Twilight let out a slight yawn, having pulled an all-nighter to fix the tax code after Blueblood tweaked it again. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

A hand suddenly obscured her vision and booped her on the nose, causing Twilight to scrunch her muzzle up cutely. “You just did, Sparky. Want anything else?”

“Yeah, don't start that right now.”

“Alright, do you-” Nick stopped as Twilight lazily turned her head to face him, giving him a sleepy but still effective glare. “Uh… d-do you want to ask me now or later?”

“Well, I actually had two questions, but I figured I'd save the second for some other time. So, pick which one you wanna answer first, as Celestia and Luna keep dodging the question. What was the first prank you pulled on the sisters? Or, if you want to tell me that later, how did you react to ending up in Equestria? And where, for that matter?”

“Hoo boy, that's a big one, Sparky.” Nick placed his hands behind his head, crossing one leg over the other. “Both of those are connected, too. It all started one Tuesday evening after work. Or at least I think it was after work, my specific memory of my life on Earth is kinda hazy...”

“Princess Moon Moon! How are you doing this fine morning?” Discord twisted around the lunar princess like a snake while staying in the air, flicking her ear with a claw. “You look like you need some chaos.”

“Discord, we are not in the mood for this. Twilight's world is currently mixed up thanks to my sister sending her Starswirl's cutie mark spell, and we are worried she may not be able to fix things this time.”

“Oh, cheer up! What if I told you that little spell caused enough chaos for me to reach onto another world via a mirror portal and bring you something to help prank your sister? Think of it as an early birthday present.”

“Truly? Very well then, let us have it! A break in the monotony might be nice.”

“As you wish, princess!” Discord snapped his talon and a strange biped materialized above Luna. He scrambled about seemong panicked, grasping at the empty air before plummeting down and landing square on Luna's back.

“What is the meaning of this insolence?! Get off our back, mortal!” much like any normal equine would, Luna started bucking and thrashing about to throw Nick off her, but Discord had used his magic to superglue Nick on so that getting tossed was impossible.

“Ow! OW! Whoa! Calm down! Why am I on a big blue horse anyway!?”

“Did thou just call us a primitive horse?! HOW DARE THEE!” Luna bellowed out in the Royal Canterlot Voice. She kicked and flapped her wings harder, causing some damage to Nick as he was flung about like a rag doll. “WE COMMAND THEE, OFF!” During the struggle, if it could even be called that, Luna bounced over to one of the windows without realizing, too focused on the alien creature glued to her back. With a mighty leap, she crashed through the window, across the small balcony, over the parapet, and plummeting down the side of the castle. Luna was unable to open her wings to correct due to the weight on her back throwing her off-balance, and they crashed into the moat.

Nick thought he was a goner until a golden glow raised them both out of the water, and he found himself face to muzzle with a large white horse that seemed to be some combination of unicorn and pegasus with screensaver hair.

“Well hello there, my little creature. What are you?”

“And you know the rest. The doctor ponies fixed me up from getting roughhoused like that, and then called you in to help with making sure I wasn't a biohazard or potential danger.” Nick closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose, having finished recounting his tale.

Twilight, having been enraptured at the new information, regained her sense of self and chortled at the story. “So, is that why Luna gives you a lift on her back every now and again?”

“Heh, yeah. Once she realized I had been dragged into it, she wanted some way to apologize and show me I shouldn't be scared of her. I'd say it worked. By the way, don't let Luna know I told you this. She's still a little embarrassed about it.”

“Yes, it would be a tragedy if we found out thou told Sparkle without consulting us first.”

Nick's eyes shot open and he found Luna standing over him, looking at him with a face somewhere between ‘gotcha’ and ‘irritated’. “Oh, hi Luna! We were just talking about you! How's your day going?”

“Well, we were going to offer to take thee for a ride around the gardenes, but now we believe the moat would be a more apt destination. Get on our back, Nicholas.”

“Is this optional?”

“That depends. Would thou turn down thy dear friend?”

With a laugh, Nick got to his feet and allowed Luna to levitate him onto her back. “I thought you were a horse, not a deer. But you make a fair point, my friend. Giddy up!”

Author's Note

I'm rather shocked that I haven't explained Nick's arrival until now. Obviously, it was Discord's fault.

One, two, buckle my...

“And with that, the tax code is finally fixed! Thanks for all your help, Spike.”

The young drake rolled his eyes at Twilight. ‘Help’ usually meant doing most of the paperwork for her, but he didn't mind too much. It meant spending time with his older sister, and he always appreciated that unless he could be following Rarity around. “No problem, Twilight. I wouldn't be your number one assistant if I didn't help you with these things.”

“TWILIGHT!” The tender moment was cut short as a loud banging echoed through the upper floors of the castle. From the sound of it, Nick was at the locked door separating the public area of the castle and her private home, beating the door with his fists. “I NEED YOUR MAGIC MACGUFFIN POWERS, AND I NEED ‘EM NOW!”

Now it was Twilight's turn to roll her eyes. “Ugh, this better not be another prank… HAVE SOME PATIENCE, NICK! I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!”

“OKAY! CAN WE STOP YELLING NOW?””

Twilight was already mid-teleport now, so she didn't hear that part, but she appeared behind the door and opened it. Nick had to step back to avoid having the door slam into his face. Twilight's expert eyes did a quick scan of the human, noting that he was showing signs of mild panic and distress, in addition to being covered in mud and grime. Rainbow dash was also with him, seeming just as panicked. “Hey, Nick. Hey, Rainbow. What's up?”

“Twilight, you can fix anything, right? Because it's an emergency, and I need your magic rescue power! It's super important!”

Rainbow butted into the conversation, getting up in Twilight's face. “Yeah, it's a total emergency! We're gonna be super dead if we can't fix this!”

“At least you can fly away and hide in Cloudsdale for a week, Dash!” Nick threw up his hands as he shouted at his pegasus companion. “I don't have that luxury!”

“At least you'll survive! I have to run away if we can't fix this!”

Nick and Rainbow suddenly found their mouths zipped shut by magic so Twilight could speak. “Okay, calm down, both of you! I've been working my tail off fixing some laws in the tax code all day, and I'm tired, so this better not be a prank, you two.”

“Okay, we'll cut to the chase, then,” Nick explained, having control of his mouth again. He reached into his backpack and took out a formal-looking shoe covered in mud. “I need this cleaned up, and copied so it's a pair. Please.”

Twilight deadpanned, glaring at Nick. “Are you two telling me you came and bothered me for the purpose of cleaning and copying a shoe? Really?”

“Yes. Please make it a clean pair. And hurry!” Rainbow glanced worriedly over her shoulder as though some monster was going to arrive and attack them.

“Oh, alright. I suppose I can do that.” Twilight hit the shoe with a blast of powerful magic, and the pair of pranksters watched eagerly as it took effect. Although the look of hope in their eyes turned to horror as the shoe twisted in on itself and morphed into a pear shape! “There you go, one clean pear.” She levitated the fruit into Nick's reach, although he didn't take it. “Enjoy.”

“ARE YOU INSANE?!” Rainbow screamed at Twilight. She took to the air and hooked her legs under Nick's arms. “Nick, hang on tight! We've gotta head for the hills!” She took off through an open window and flew towards Canterlot, Nick dangling in her grasp and holding on for dear life. And just in time, too, because the door to the room they had been in swung wide and a pony trotted in.

“Ah, Twilight, darling. Have you seen those two intolerable pranksters, Nick and Rainbow Dash? I need to have a word with them.”

“Oh, hey there Rarity! They just left. Why do you need them?”

“Oh, darling, it's simply dreadful!” The fashionista produced a hoofheld fan and fanned herself dramatically. “Rainbow decided it would be ‘funny’ to pick up our dear Nicholas and drop him from the sky into a mud puddle. Except not only did the splatter ruin my scarf and make me waste time going home and redoing my outfit, Nick's other shoe went flying into the lake! I need to have a word with Rainbow about manners, and with Nick about wearing the nice shoes I worked so hard on while taunting Rainbow.” She sighed, tired but still infuriated. A fancy, refined fury, but still a fury. “I suppose I can still make a second shoe for Nick if he still has the other, at least. I overheard them saying they were going to get you to fix it… do you have it on you by any chance?”

Twilight sheepishly grinned, levitating the mangled, pear-shaped shoe into view. “Eheheh… sorta…”

“Twilight?”

“Yeah, Rarity?”

“I'm going to be generous and give you a ten second head start. Now start running, darling.”

Author's Note

Light heart 101 suggested this one. Thanks, buddy! It made me laugh.

Counting Licks

“Truly? The world never found out how many licks it took?”

Nick shrugged at Luna. “Well, technically there was a study done, but I forgot how many it really was. I suppose the closest thing to a Tootsie Pop is the local candymaker's double-flavored lollipops, what with their inner core being a different flavor. But we'd still need an owl to answer it that won't bite the thing off after three licks! Heh, no way that would ever work.”

Luna readjusted her seating position, deep in thought. The pair's weekly talks about different cultures were always stimulating for both Luna and Nick. “Pray tell, friend Nicholas, dost thou have any of those special candies at hoof?”

“I think you mean, ‘on hand’, Luna. And yeah, I have a stash of ‘em in my room. I really like the blue raspberry ones with the grape core, so I keep a few spare for when they aren't in stock.”

“Then all is… what is the common phrasing in this modern age? All is funky fresh?”

Nick facepalmed. “Oh my God, just no. Stick with ye olde speecheth, I beg you.”

“Why? We thought we were doing a totally tubular job at modern speech!”

Nick woke up in the middle of the night after the day had passed. Something felt off. It might have just been his imagination, but some part of his instincts passed down from millenia of being a prey animal told him he was being watched. He hadn't opened his eyes yet, and laid perfectly still as the seconds audibly ticked by on his cuckoo clock. Rational thought warred with his fight or flight response, one side insisting that Equestria and Canterlot Castle specifically were so safe he'd never get hurt and the other half telling him to either stay still, run, or die.

Eventually, Nick warily cracked one eye open the tiniest bit, hoping to see what was going on in the pale light of the moon shining through the window. Much to his horror, a pair of big, predatory eyes stared back at him. His eyes shot open in terror, and he frantically scanned the room for anything to help. What he saw terrified him. Dozens of pairs of those same eyes stared at him in the dim light of the moon, waiting for him to make a move.

Slowly, cautiously, Nick schooched backwards in bed, his eyes never leaving the pair closest to him. The impromptu staring contest was at least keeping it in a state of curiosity instead of… he didn't want to think about what else this mass of shadowy blobs and eyes would want with him. He cautiously stepped out of bed, wincing internally as he heard a ruffle of feathers behind him. Still, nothing had attacked him yet, so he could more likely than not make it out of the room and-

“OUCH!”

Nick cried out in pain as he stepped on a sharp pebble that had gotten lodged in the carpet, and with that all hell broke loose. The collection of eyes were startled by the sudden noise, so was Nick. He nearly jumped three feet in the air from the shock, which scared the mass of eyes even more, and suddenly his room was a mob of activity as wings flapped and talons grabbed at things in the chaos.

“HELP!” He cried out, unable to see or hear from all the commotion around him.

“And just what do you all think you're doing?!”

That stern but soft-spoken voice made all the activity in the room grind to a halt in an instant, and a figure entered the door and flicked the lights on.

“Fluttershy?”

“Oh, um, h-hello, Nick. I'm sorry if I woke you…” the yellow pegasus grabbed a part of her mane and cutely tried to cover her face in shame. Nick took this moment to glance around the room at his attackers.

“Uh… Flutters? What's with all the owls?”

“Oh!” She brightened up quickly. “Princess Luna told me about your world's Mr. Owl and how he could never figure out something about a lollipop, so I offered to bring my owl friends to help you! But they just scared you.” She glared at the collection of fifty or so birds, sweeping her disapproving gaze over the room. “You should all be ashamed!”

“Hoo,” one replied apologetically.

“Uh… well, no harm done, I guess. Plus I can't be mad at you, Flutters. I will need to talk to Luna about pranks during my sleeping hours, though. But since these owls are here…” Nick reached under his bed and grabbed a lollipop, unwrapping it and holding it out to the nearest owl. “How many licks do you think it'll take to get to the center?”

The owl tilted its head in confusion, but leaned forward and licked at the sugary treat. One lick… two licks… three licks…

CRUNCH

Nick groaned. “Dangit, every time! I guess it's just not meant to be known anywhere…”

Author's Note

...and here's the REAL april fool's chapter. Thanks to Drazhan fkr the idea, altjough it origionally was about Hooters. Given the E rating I had to tone it back...

Chomp

“Luna, please! I didn't mean for that prank to mess up your coat! It was only glue, be reasonable!” Nick struggled in Luna's magical grasp as she angrily stomped towards the castle moat. Her normally pristine dark blue coat was matted together in knots and dozens upon dozens of globs of glitter glue, sparkly mini pompoms, and feathers were stuck to it.

“In our time, this WAS reasonable, friend Nicholas. We believe a brief swim with the vicious moat monster will teach thee a lesson about humility. We shall ensure thou shall not perish, but thou will suffer.” Luna scowled at a few guards as she heard them snicker ever so slightly. This was going to take a lot of work to fix… perhaps she could finally go the that ‘spa’ Lady Rarity kept telling her about, she thought to herself.

Nick seemed to freeze for a moment, shivering ever so slightly. It was nearly unnoticeable. “D-did you say moat monster?”

“Yes We did.”

“We have a moat monster?”

“Just got him. We are sure the two of you will get along swimmingly,” she responded, chuckling to herself. “He has quite the appetite.”

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!”

“Nay, Our mental health is at manageable levels. We simply believe in enacting justice upon thee.” Luna trotted through the gardens and onto one of the many bridges that stretched over the moat. “Ready, Nicholas?”

“Is ‘no’ a valid answer?”

“No.”

“Fudge. If I live, I'm gonna get you back for this, Moonbutt.” With that, Luna released Nick, sending him plummeting ten feet into the moat below. He almost immediately resurfaced, scrambling towards the shore.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP! THE MOAT MONSTER'S GONNA EAT ME!” Nick quickly evacuated the moat, still screaming. “I DON'T WANNA DIE! I DON'T WANT ANYTHING...to...huh?” He lifted up his right arm, where a creature he had never seen in the waters before was attached to his limb. “Uh, Luna? I think your moat monster is… uh… defective.”

“Ahahaha!” Luna toppled over, laughing. “Thou fell for it! Thou really fell for it! Dost thou truly think we would allow thee to come to harm? We have been meaning to get groomed soon anyway, thy stunt was just the incentive we needed!”

Nick groaned. “O...kay then. But, uh…” He held up the creature latched onto his arm. “You gonna help me with this?”

“As the youth these days say, ‘Nah, dude.’ That monster is Pinkie Pie's pet alligator, Gummy. He has no teeth. She is away visiting her family and requested that the two of thee get to know each other. His care instructions are in your castle mailbox. Verily, we shalt catch thee later, brother that skis!”

Luna teleported away, and Nick lifted his arm again to look at Gummy. Gummy blinked back, but out of sync. “...did Princess Walla-walla just try and say ‘broski’? I swear, that mare… anyway, I'd better get you off so I can take care of you for Pinkie.” The human grabbed the little reptile's mouth with his left hand, attempting to pry it open and free his right hand. “C'mon, c'mon…” He started shaking his arms to loosen the grip. “No teeth should mean a loose grip, so- AHA! Wait…”

Nick deadpanned as he saw that he had indeed freed his right hand from Gummy's grip. Now the alligator was latched onto his left hand. “Seriously? Are we gonna play this game, you wannabe dragon?”

Gummy didn't do anything in response. “Are you gonna do something?! Blink, twitch, do SOMETHING!”

Surprisingly, Gummy let go, dropping down to the ground. Nick breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness. Now I can- LET GO OF MY FOOT, YOU STUPID LIZARD!” Gummy, having gummed down on Nick's ankle, snaked his tongue out and licked his eye.

“Oh, so that's the game you wanna play, is it?”

No response.

“I thought so.”

Celestia trotted into the castle mail sector to check in on the postmares and retrieve any mail addressed to her that wasn't critical enough for a direct delivery.

“Hey, Celly.” Nick walked by, reading a ‘manual’ written in crayon on unused birthday invitations.

“Oh, good afternoon, Ni-” Celestia paused. “Um, Nick…”

“I know, Celly.”

“Okay, but why is there a small alligator latched onto your scalp?”

“Because I gave up trying to move him. He's a hat now.”

“Let me guess, Pinkie Pie?”

“Pinkie Pie.”

Author's Note

This was suggested by Zalla661! Thank you so much!

Business as unusual

"Well, your order is finished, mister Nick, but I'm worried about this. What if the princesses get mad at me? What if they send the guards after me and shut down my shop?"

"Riiiiight. Not gonna happen, buddy. I even brought a special royal pardon for pranks Celestia pre-signed. All I have to do is write out what I'm up to and sign off on it. Then you won't face any legal action! Let me see here… 'Provided materials for annoying prank on Blueblood.' There we go, just hang onto this and they can't touch you."

The yellow unicorn shied away for a moment, but accepted the scroll regardless. "T-thanks."

"No problem, mister Light Heart! Alright, I'm gonna go bother blueblood with this."

Prince Blueblood, first of his name and the most perfect pony to ever walk the Earth (according to him, at least) was taking his daily walk through the garden when he came across a hastily built snack stand made of driftwood directly in his usual path.

"Lemonade! Get your ice cold lemonade here! Right here and nowhere else!" Nick called out to the empty garden, long since abandoned for the hour to avoid Blueblood's ire.

"APE!" Blueblood stormed up to the lemonade stand and Nick angrily. "What in the name of the sun and moon are you doing? Get your hobo shack out of my walkway!"

Nick grinned, seeming more like a used car salesman than a child selling drinks. "Ah, Bluey! No need to worry, I have all the paperwork right here to allow me to build this place. All approved by Celestia AND Luna." He pulled out a fast food napkin that read 'yeah u can do that nick' along with the royal seals of both princesses. Blueblood scowled as Nick put the paper away.

"Fine, if it will get you to move, I will purchase some of your wretched lemonade. And then you will move, you sub-equine."

"Oh, sorry. We're out of that."

"Are you serious, you wretched ape?! I debase myself to offer you the chance of selling your filth to me, and you are out? I want to speak to your manager!"

"Okie-dokie." Nick ducked down beneath the table, and up rose a likelike doll of Nicholas. It was nearly perfect, although it didn't move or change expression. "Hello there! I'm the manager. I hear you had a complaint about my employee?"

"Oh, great. I should have known this was another one if your gimmicks, ape!" Blueblood stamped a hoof on the ground angrily. "Stop this nonsense at once!"

"Oh, hey! Lemonade!" Blueblood spun around in shock as Nick meandered up behind him to the lemonade stand, the real Nick looking at the fake Nick as though nothing was wrong. "Hello there, my good man! Might I have some lemonade?

"Certainly! Here you are, on the house!" A cup of lemonade was pushed up through a hole in the wood just enough for Nick to take it, but not enough to see who was offering it. Nick took it and chugged the liquid while Blueblood glared at the fake Nick.

"This is preposterous! Show yourself, whoever you are!" He demanded angrily.

"Well, if you insist," Came what sounded like a bad impression of a certain chaotic entity. Sure enough, a near-perfect, life-size model of Discord popped up from behind the counter, and the fake Nick fell lifeless to the ground. "You ask for me, and so I appear!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Blueblood growled. "I command you to show yourself!"

"Geez, Celestia, your Discord impression needs work. There goes the rest of the prank," lamented Nick. "You might as well come out."

"Oh, I think the prank is going SWIMMINGLY, my dear boy." Discord, the actual Discord, rose from behind the table, with no Celestia in sight.

"Wait, WHAT?! Where is Celly, Discord! What are you doing here?"

"Filling in. It seems someone, and by someone I mean me, replaced all her cakes with crab cakes. So I generously decided to take her part in this prank for her! I didn't even tell her. Now, who wants a free sample of my lemonade?" He snapped his talons, vanishing in a puff of smoke, and a sound caused Blueblood and Nick to turn around. Rushing toward them at incredible speed was a flood of lemonade.

Nick glanced at Blueblood. "...I don't know how, but this is your fault."

Author's Note

Thanks to Light Heart101 for all the ideas he's given me for this story, more suggestions than any other. He appears in this chapter. Want some lemonade, friend?

Munchsona

"Luna, you are the best."

The midnight blue alicorn chuckled as she watched her human friend wrap himself in what could only be described as a large set of drapes. "Yes, we are aware that we are, as thou say, the ultimate princess."

"Nah, the Ultimate princess is… oh, Nevermind. You wouldn't get the reference. Anyway, I think I finally got this thing to stay on. Why is it so bulky?" He shuffled around inside the cocoon of fabric, only a small opening revealing his eyes. "I thought invisibility cloaks were supposed to be less… obstructive."

"What did thou expect, to look cool and run around in a sauve costume? Take what thou can get, Nicholas. We may be a master at illusion magic, but even the best spells only go so far. It will, at least, be effective. Function over form, as they say. Regardless, hold still." Nick did as he was told as Luna weaved her magical energies into the fabric. It started to fade, becoming almost transparent with no sign of the human underneath, and within a minute all that was visible to Nick in the mirror he was staring at was the small opening he was peeking out of.

"Incredible," Nick breathed. "Your magic never ceases to amaze me. Alright, you wait here, and I'll go snag as much cake as I can from Celly. This is gonna be great!"

"Oh, it certainly will be great, my little phantom thief …" Luna watched as the door to her room opened, the cloaked Nick stepped through, and shut it behind him. "...great for us, that is."

True to Luna's word, Nick found no trouble in slipping past the guards. The only issue, as he was quick to discover, was that he kept tripping over the fabric as he walked. A few slips and spills along the way left quite the mess behind him. Many a guard that day was confused by the many mysteriously shattering vases and tapestries pulled down by no force at all. But still, Nick persevered, and before long he had shuffled his way through the kitchens and to the door of the cake storage. And from the sounds of someone gorging themselves on cake coming from the other side of the door, it was safe to assume that Celestia was on the other side.

Inside the room, Celestia was indeed sitting, enjoying her tenth cake of the morning. Why ten? She was trying to cut back, usually it was twenty. Still, she made sure to savor every bite of the sugary dessert… until the door swung open. Usually only her most trusted guards were allowed to bother her during her cake time, but this time a mass of cloth shuffled in, any illusion it had dispelled from the antimagic charms placed all over the cake storage.

Quickly putting two and two together, she continued to nonchalantly stuff her face with cake as the pile of fabric moved by, and Nick's arm reached out and grabbed a handful of one of the many deserts before retreating back into the cloth. As Nick moved to the next cake, though, Celestia pressed her hoof to Nick's disguise, forcing it off of him as he took another step with a forceful pull.

"Going somewhere, Nick?"

Nick's eyes widened. "Celly! I was just… uh… um… how did you even see me? Luna must have-"

"This room has enchantments that could break a changeling's illusions, Nick," Celestia scoffed. "Anything Luna told you was just a trick to get you in here. Now then, I believe you were heading to the moat?"

Nick thought for a moment. "Actually, I have a better idea…"

Luna woke groggily from her sleep, stretching out her legs and yawning. She had a very restful sleep, and was looking forward to a nice, long day of relaxing since she had taken a day off to attend a concert later. Her bed belt a little wobbly, though, she'd need to fix that later-

"Morning Luna!"

"Good morning, Luna. I hope you slept well?"

Luna's eyes shot open. Nick and Celestia were sitting on the side of her bed, which was currently floating in the middle of the moat. She didn't even have time to react as the pair shoved her off the bed and into the water below.

"Hahaha! She never saw that one coming! Take that, Luna! Nopony tricks the great Nicholas AbernaaaaAAA-" Nick didn't get to finish his declaration as he too was shoved into the chilly water by a gold-covered hoof. Celestia giggled.

"Don't take my cake, Nick."

Author's Note

People still read this? That's a shock. Hopefully it's not the last surprise of the day.

Dungeons and Dimwits

"Finally, I have you right where I want you, you little rat! Prepare to learn how it feels to lose your head over something!"

Nick sweated nervously as he stared down the burning sword pointed at his face. Fear crept up his back as possible escape routes flew through his mind, knowing one misstep would mean his death. Celestia and Luna weren't doing any better, one passed out from the pain and the other bleeding from deep wounds that would never fully heal. Truly, this was the trio's darkest hour, their lives hanging by a thread…

"Be it our turn yet, Sparkle? We intend to use the barbarian's Steel thy soul ability to ignore our constitution check."

Twilight looked up from behind her gamemaster's divider. "Sorry Luna, it's not your turn yet and you already used Stoke the rage, and until that wears off in three turns you're stuck with it. Celestia, make a death saving throw."

Dice clattered across the table. "Sixteen."

Nick groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Yeah, that's great, but I'm the only one with a turn before the Sultan of Blades moves again, and he has a reaction prepped, so I'm done for even if I try something." He slammed his head down on the table, rattling a few pieces to and fro. Twilight's Ogres & Oubliettes games were always tough but fair, and it seemed she had gotten the better of them this time. Ten weeks of leveling up, down the drain.

"Are you four done being boring and non-chaotic in here yet? I can smell the rule-following all the way from Fluttershy's and if this keeps up… well, I can't exactly file a complaint since I'm allergic to bureaucracy, but rest assured there will be serious consequences related to a certain chaotic pony and a certain waterfowl ending up in your kitchen."

Most of the table quizzically turned to look at the new arrival, confused by the draconequus's non sequitur. Only Celestia truly understood the severity of that threat, and made a mental note to duck-proof her cake stash. One incident was enough.

Nick wasn't in the mood to deal with Discord's antics at the moment. "Don't you have anything better to do, you giant flying pool noodle? I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this situation."

"Do I have better things to do? Yes. Am I going to do them? No. Hello, princess purple drillhead!" Discord's head extended, stretching out like putty and arching over the table such that he was staring her right in the face, albeit upside down. "Who's winning? And what inning is it?"

"Discord! Remove thy wing from our face at once! We-" Luna was silenced by a feather from the wing in question shushing her. This only served to make her even more irritated, channeling her anger management classes to avoid slipping inti the Royal Canterlot Voice and blowing all the figurines off the table.

Twilight, on the other hoof, was having exactly none of Discord's antics. She glared back at him. "If you want to play, sit down and obey the rules of the game. If not, let me finish my session, please." Discord responded by sticking his tongue out and licking her muzzle. "Ew! Discord! Out!"

"Fine, fine." He snapped back to his normal size, slinking up and down like an accordion, before smiling at the group. "Good luck trying to fail, friends! The only thing that can help you at this point is a spirit and a letter!" With that odd pearl of wisdom dispensed, a pearl engraved with that message literally falling out of his mouth like a pez dispenser, Discord swiftly and promptly exited through the ceiling fan.

"Spirit and letter… try to fail…" Nick mumbled to himself, deep in thought.

"Nick?" Twilight shocked him out of his reverie. "It's your turn. Do you need a minute? Discord can be pretty distracting."

"I'm gonna make an attack roll. Specifically, my rogue skill Assassination."

"Art thou insane, Nicholas? The odds of that working are-"

"I aim to hit anywhere except the Sultan of blades, and elect to fail my roll. Ergo, I miss my target, hitting the sultan. Twilight, I roll 5d20 for damage to him plus an extra 2d20 since he's an equine target, right?"

"Wha- but-" Twilight tried to sputter put a response. "You can't do that! That's against the rules!"

"You let me voluntarily fail an attack roll last week to miss and intimidate a prisoner. I don't see how missing my strike at 'anywhere but the sultan' is any different, miss I-always-follow-the-rules."

"But-but-but-but-" The gears in Twilight's head spun at high speed. By all accounts, he was right, and given her strict adherence to the game rules, she all but had to comply. She sighed. "Ugh, fine. 7d20 damage. But never again."

"I'll hold you to that, Sparky. Maybe this'll finally teach you to lighten up on the rules." The dice clattered across the table twice as Nick rolled. "Desperate attack perk, I roll twice and take the higher damage. Let's see… I got 63 for this set…" Twilight grinned. It'd be close, but she could still- "...and 93 for the second." Twilight's stunned silence was all the answer he needed.

Author's Note

I've always wanted to get into D&D, but every group I've joined dissolved before level 5. How am I supposed to Old Man Henderson the game if I can't even play?!

Splish splash

Nick awoke groggily as his position shifted. It was barely light out, which meant it was way too early in the morning for his liking. He couldn't exactly make out anything else as his tired brain continued to wake up with the relative speed of a dial-up internet connection. His position shifted again, and some part of his brain woke up just enough to formulate a reply. "Ugh… five more minutes, please…" Nick rolled over hopelessly, his head landing on the pillow with a wet squelch, and he drew his waterlogged sheets back over himself in a desperate attempt to reclaim sleep- wait. Something wasn't quite right. Why was everything so wet all of a sudden?

Nick sat up like a shot, the adrenaline of waking up to an unusual situation giving his brain the jump start he needed to wake up. As he scanned the immediate area, he realized three things: One, he was still in bed. In fact, all his bedroom furniture was within his line of sight. Two, he had somehow ended up floating in the moat using his bed like a raft, and had no memory of planning to do so. And three, Gummy, whom he was pet sitting for Pinkie Pie, was latched onto his head again.

Oh, and there was a midnight blue alicorn watching from the bridge and practically laughing her tail off, so he at least knew who to get mad at this time.

"LUNA!"

"Oh, dear Nicholas!" Luna shouted from the bridge, not quite the Royal Canterlot Voice but rather close. "Tis no need to be such a… wet blanket over such a minor inconvenience! Thou should be thanking us for waking thou up in such an efficient manner!"

"I'm gonna dunk you in here myself once I get my hands on you, you overgrown ungulate!"

"Bold words coming from a man wearing an alligator! Or does thou truly believe thou has even half the power required to stand up to Princess Lu-" sadly, Luna didn't get to finish her monologue as she was kicked off the bridge and into the chilly moat below. If she had seen it coming, perhaps she could have spread her wings and recovered in time, but she was too busy gloating to see Celestia sneak up behind her and knock her over the railing. She surfaced with her smoldering gaze hidden behind the veil of her soaked mane. "WHO DARES TO- Sister…." She growled at Celestia as she realized who had caused her tumble into the water. "We shall not stand for this!"

"You're right. You're not standing, you're swimming. And what are you going to do about it, hm? I'm up here and you're down there!"

"Not for long you won't be!" Celestia, much like her sister, didn't have the chance to react as Nick, having climbed out of the moat and assumed his earth pony form of Nickel Ingot, utilized his natural strength to hoist her over his head and chuck her into the moat at an angle she couldn't recover from. She hit the water with a satisfying splash, which also ended up drenching Luna and messing up her mane even more.

"You need to be on your guard more often, Celly! You didn't even notice me coming up behind y-" A yellowish glow of magic manifested behind the human/stallion and shoved him back over the railing, plunging him into the moat once more. Not being able to swim as a pony, he breached the surface of the water as a human once more, and grabbed onto his dresser to stay afloat long enough to catch his breath. Somehow, Gummy had managed to stay attached to his head the entire time. The croc blinked one eye at a time with his usual absent stare as Nick glared daggers at the royal sisters. "Oh, so that's how you wanna play it, huh? It's on, you two!"

Twilight Sparkle was having a great day! With spike on her back and a dozen bags floating behind her, she was just coming back from a wonderful sleepover in ponyville, seeing her friends for the first time in weeks since moving back to Canterlot.

"Uh, Twilight?"

"...and Luna's going to flip when she hears about the new Nightmare Night preparations, but I bet she'll want to spend it here this year. And I can't wait to show Celestia this new book about-"

"TWILIGHT!"

"Yes, Spike?"

"Is the north tower of the castle supposed to be in the moat, or did we miss a memo?"

Sure enough, the entirety of the northern tower was floating upright in the moat, slowly spinning as guards desperately clambered up the sides with climbing gear towards the upper floors where the pegasi who dared to come close had been captured in inner tubes. Atop the tower, Nick and Luna were locked in an epic battle of trying to knock each other off the tower with pool noodles. Also, Nick was still wearing Gummy, and Gummy had inexplicably acquired a hat that looked like a mini-Nick latched onto his head. Celestia was off at the floating snack stand taking bets on who would win.

"Twilight? You there? Helloooo, Spike to Twilight!" She just looked ahead with a thousand yard stare, her mind desperately trying to piece together an explanation. "Aw, ponyfeathers. She's fried her brain again. Welp, might as well do something productive. HEY CELESTIA, TEN SAPPHIRES ON NICK!"

Author's Note

I'm proud of this chapter. Which probably means it'll end up being one of my least popular ones.
But I'm proud of it, damnit!

Fun with tape

It was a very good day for Rainbow dash! She had just gotten back from a wonderbolts rally, and she had gotten so much merchandise! Trading cards, an autographed poster, a new sports cap, and even a rare action figure! She had, of course flown home and stashed them all in her house before flying back to Canterlot to deliver Ponyville's monthly weather report to Celestia. Well, she was supposed to deliver it to her supervisor in cloudsdale, but she delivered them to the princess herself because she was awesome like that.

She had just passed off the papers to a rather irritated-looking Celestia when she passed by Nick working on some kind of craft in the cafeteria. He had a bunch of papers, and glue, and tape scattered all over the place. "Oh, hey there, Rainbow!" The human shot a cheerful grin to the speedy pegasus. "You seem to be in good spirits. Didya win a race or something?"

"Ha!" Rainbow let out a barking laugh as she trotted over. "Nah, although if there had been a race, I woulda won for sure. I was just happy because of the wonderbolts rally earlier today. Did you go? It was sooooo awesome!"

"Oh! No, I've been working on these paper airplanes to pester Twilight with on her next visit. Here," Nick continued, ripping off a piece of tape. "Hold this, will ya?" He held out the strip of tape, which Rainbow took without thinking. Most non-unicorns didn't use tape because of how annoying it was to use, and the memories of the tape fiasco with the CMC came flooding back as it adhered to her tongue.

"Uh-oh. Uh… Nick? I fink I scwooed up." She batted her tongue with a hoof, trying to get it unstuck, but it didn't budge. Nick chuckled at her predicament.

"Pfft, Rainbow! You goofball. Here, let me get that for you. Say 'Ah'..." Rainbow obliged, opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out. Nick responded by slapping another piece of tape on it. "There ya go! Now it won't be lonely."

"Nick, yoo jerk! Get dith tape off my tong!" Rainbow lunged at the human, but he sidestepped and placed a third piece of tape on her cutie mark. "Hey! Thath's not thair!" She pawed at it with a hoof, trying to get it off, and this time it did slide off her body… and adhere itself to her forelimb. She stomped on it, but that only served to transfer it to her other leg while Nick snuck up and placed yet another strip of tape on the back of her head. "Hey!"

Rainbow tilted her head back like a cat, moving it left and right as she desperately tried to get rid of the offending tape. This served to her benefit, though, as she saw Nick closing in with the tape roll. "Oh, no yoo don'th!" With the acrobatic prowess befitting of an athlete like her, Rainbow performed an on-the-sopt backflip to try and land behind Nick for a follow up move, but her tail snagged on the tape roll and left her dangling upside-down from the back of Nic's head as the tape stuck straight up his chest, over his face and looped over his head to leave rainbow hanging. Squawking like a panicked chicken, Rainbow started flailing her wings and legs, instinctively trying to regain control of herself. Her back leg got stuck in the center of the tape roll, though, and her frantic movements only drew more tape off the roll.

"Gah! Rainbow! Cut it out, you're only making it worse!"

"Then get me down and get thith tape off me!"

"I can't if you keep- whoa! Flailing like this! Calm down!"

"No!"

"Rainbow!"

"Night court is now open. May the first petitioner please step forward and present their case before us!" Princess Luna finished her proclamation with a wave of her hoof, and her night guards opened the throne room doors. Night court was usually slower and less frantic than day court, but Luna had a feeling today would be interesting.

And interesting it was, as the first petitioners struggled their way into the throne room. Nicholas Abernathy, hopping on one leg, wrapped up like a Hearth's Warming present in semi-transparent tape. Firmly secured to his back was a furious Rainbow Dash, upside-down and equally covered in the adhesive ribbons, with only one wing free. The pair used a strange combination of one-legged hops and single wing flaps to… well, Luna wasn't sure what word to use for it, but 'hopped into the room' seemed appropriate.

"Rainbow? Nicholas? What in the name of my moon happened to thee?" She suppressed the urge to burst out laughing, if only due to her concern for her friends' well being.

"Just a prank gone wrong, Moonbutt. Can you just get this off of us?" Rainbow mumbled affirmatively through her impromptu tape-gag.

Luna's look of genuine concern turned to a malicious grin as soon as she heard the word prank. "Oh, well if thou hast fallen victim to thine own machinations, it seems fitting to add injury to insult, as the saying goes, yes?"

"Actually, it's 'insult to injury', but- wait, Luna don't-"

There was suddenly a loud, single ripping noise, followed by a pair of screams the woke the entire castle.

Author's Note

So I saw this video and got inspired

I really hope I can keep updating regularly now.

Lunachadora

Nick sighed as he flipped through the newspaper. Not many headlines were worth reading today. A new business opened in downtown Canterlot. Some famous comedy author returned after a year of writer's block. Pinkie Pie breaks record for largest cupcake, an advertisement for mood-sensitive, color-changing paint that looked rather expensive…

"Good morning, Nick!."

"Oh, hey Twilight." Nick lowered the newspaper to greet his longtime friend. "Did you sleep well? That was some thunderstorm the weather team was making last night."

Twilight nodded in agreement, sitting down next to Nick and levitating a waffle off her plate after dousing it in syrup. "Yeah, some clouds got overloaded with a rogue mana burst, which accelerated their charge rate. I'd explain more but, and I mean no offense, I don't think you know enough about weather magic to understand it."

Nick nodded. "None taken, Sparklepants. A lot of the stuff you say goes over my head."

"True, but I'd be a terrible friend if I didn't try. Thankfully, I know a noise-cancellation spell so I didn't hear a thing after I cast it!"

Nick raised an eyebrow. "You know a noise-cancellation spell?" His grin spread as Twilight nodded in affirmation. Nick looked back at the newspaper. "...Does Luna?"

The evening light shone softly through the window of Luna's suite, dancing across the carpeting in just the right way to illuminate the room in a soft glow. It was enough to raise the lunar alicorn from her slumber, slowly getting out of bed and trotting over to the window. The subtle noises of the world hit her softly as she walked through the edge of her own sound-cancelling bubble, but she paid it no heed. In a single, swift motion, she unceremoniously raised the moon and scattered the stars across the night sky as the sun dipped below the horizon.

It was a slow day, aside from helping her fellow princess Twilight with some paperwork. Since moving to Canterlot to share the burdens of the crown, she had had much more free time to pursue her own hobbies. Truly, having Twilight on the team made life-

Luna froze, passing the mirror. Somepony had doodled a curly while mustache and a monocle on her face in white paint! There was only one culprit who would dare do this and it would not stand! She turned and stormed out of the room, not even noticing her coat begin to change color with her anger.

"NICHOLAS ABERNATHY! THOU SHALT SHOW THINE SORRY FLANK AT ONCE!"

Luna slammed the doors to her bedchambers open, and all the guards present were met with a VERY angry alicorn with a painted-on luchador mask. Painted across her flanks, covering her cutiemark, was written in a similar paint: La Lunachadora.

The guards had to stifle their giggles as the human in question approached, his own face covered in paint to make him look like a clown. "Wait, Luna? You got art-attacked too? I was coming here to yell at you for doing this to me!" He gestured to his face paint, seeming a little less angry at Luna. "So it wasn't you… and it wasn't me… who could have done this?"

Luna's features softened a bit, although she had to hold in her laughter from seeing her dear friend looking so utterly ridiculous. "Thou dost not suppose fair Twilight Sparkle, of all ponies, hath finally begun to pull pranks?" It sounded absurd, hearing those words leave her own muzzle, but it was all she could think of.

"Maybe. Let's go pay Snarkle a visit, shall we?"

"...and then I said 'Are you crazy? I need at least five more laps before I'm done!'"

Twilight and the rest of the elements of harmony smiled at Rainbow Dash's story. They had all gathered together for thier monthly get-together, one that Twilight hoped would persist into the far future. Moments like this truly reminded her how precious her friends were to her.

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" The precious moment was interrupted by a very agitated princess Luna barging into the room, paint still covering her face. "THOU SHALT EXPLAIN THIS AT ONCE!"

Silence. For a good moment, nopony said a single word, staring flabbergasted at the vibrantly colored princess of the night.

Then Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie all fell over laughing hysterically.

"For God's sake, Moonbutt, do you have any volume control…" Nick entered the room as well, having finally caught up to Luna. His appearance, of course, only served to make the guffaws from Rainbow, AJ, and Pinkie intensify. "But yeah. Hi Sparky. Care to explain?"

"I- buh- wha-"

"Twilight. Dearest Twilight. While we are elated that thou hast finally joined us in pranking, this transgression shalt not go unpunished."

Twilight backed up, ears splaying back in worry. "B-but it wasn't me!"

"Yeah right, Twilight," Nick retorted. "And who else would have the money to buy this mood-activated paint, and the ability to slip into Luna's and my rooms unnoticed?"

Luna stopped for a second. "Nicholas. How didst thou know this 'twas mood-activated paint, hmmmm?"

Now it was Nick's turn to take a step back. "Now hang on a second, don't pin this on me! I got painted too, you know?"

"But by whom? Speak truthfully, as the element of honesty is in our presence."

"Now Luna, let's be reasonable, here…"

And Luna was reasonable.

After all, ten feet up was a perfectly reasonable height to drop a human into the castle moat from.

Author's Note

Guess who's back?

Sorry, a certain pan of demic distracted me and made me lose my writer's touch. Then I got a job. And started streaming games. And only now has my drive to write returned.

Did you miss me?

Munched at sea

"Three days of Blueblood duty. Final offer."

"You still owe me for last time! Do this and we'll call it even."

Two maids were clearly debating something near the door to Celestia's office. Several others were watching, knowing full well that they were at least in the clear. It wasn't exactly a secret, but the maidstaff of Canterlot Castle traded favors and covered each other's shifts very frequently, forming a pseudo-economy based around who was taking easy jobs, and when.

The job today was not going to be easy.

"Ugh! Fine. But if I get yelled out the window for this, you owe me double."

Sighing, the maid who lost the argument put on her best smile, despite knowing Celestia would see right through it in an instant. Steeling her will, she entered the office to tell the princess the bad news. "Your majesty,” she said, bowing politely to the alicorn as she walked in.

"Ah, Feather Duster. A pleasure to see you." Celestia smiled warmly at Feather, but that smile quickly turned to a look of disappointment at the obvious lack of something, followed by confusion. "Did… did something happen that requires my attention? I don't recall any scheduled meetings, and the only reason anypony else would be walking in would be to deliver the cake I asked for."

Feather Duster's eyes darted side to side, desperate to look at anything but the princess at the moment. "Well, uh, you see, that's… sorta why I'm here. The cake storage is empty."

Celestia's jaw nearly hit the floor. "I- I did not just mishear you, yes? The cake storage. My personal stash. Which has always had at least 15 cakes on standby at all times for the past 300 years. Is EMPTY?!"

Feather closed her eyes and flinched as a tiny hint of the Royal Canterlot Voice slipped in at the end of Celestia's questioning. "Y-yes, your majesty. On behalf of the castle staff, I beg forgiveness! From what I understand, Mr. Abernathy enlisted the combined help of Discord, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and Pinkie Pie to empty the whole stock! Princess Luna seems to be having a similar issue with her hard candies, as well, but everypony is scared to tell her."

Celestia slammed her head on her desk. Of all the tricks Nick could have pulled… "I will need to ask my secretary to schedule a moat tossing, as usual, then." She let out a sigh. "Do you know how he did it, at least?"

"No, nopony does. Nick swore Pinkie and the CMC to secrecy with a Pinkie Promise, and Discord simply stated something about 'literary tropes' and 'the noodle incident' as reasons he wouldn't tell. He also said something about leaving a surprise for the readers, but nopony knows what he meant."

"Fine. Tell the chefs to make me a new batch then."

"Um, about that…"

"NICHLOAS ABERNATHY!"

"Good afternoon, my sweet solar sovereign. How may I help you!" Nick took off his sunglasses and looked up from the lawn chair he had been reclining in, situated in the castle garden. The flaming-angry alicorn looked a tad out of place among the greenery, though.

"WHERE ARE MY CHEFS?!"

"Last I checked, they were in the kitchen. Or do you mean your personal squad of cake bakers?" Nick could feel himself starting to sweat. Not from nerves, of course. No, from the sheer temperature due to his proximity to the flying Rapidash currently giving him a death glare. "They're on vacation."

Celestia leaned in closer, almost touching her muzzle to Nick's nose. The heat was restrained enough to keep him safe, but only just. "You sent my personal staff on strike." Her words were thick with venom, plasma crackling behind her eyes as she dared Nick to defy her again.

"Indeed I did. Well, I convinced them all to take the day off individually. Calling it a strike is a bit extreme."

"You raided my cake supply."

"Who would have thought a Golden Retriever, ten dozen maracas, and a tub full of butter was all the distraction we needed?"

"And you did all this. When I am neck-deep in paperwork. On my BIRTHDAY!"

"Yup."

Celestia's flaming mane and tail seemed to increase in intensity. Nick idly wondered if he should be using sunscreen or a fireproof suit. Or both.

"And how, exactly, do you plan to make reparations for such a grievous mistake, Nicholas? Because Luna and I will make sure you regret—"

"I take it back, Nick. This was exactly what I needed." Celestia smiled, clinking forks with Nick and Luna before each dug into their own slice of cake. "I must admit, though, I had no idea about all this! How did you manage to book Luna and I a cruise without us finding out?"

Nick smiled, inhaling the salty sea air as the cruise liner departed from the bay and into the open ocean. "Well, I figured you two needed a break from it all, so I asked Twilight to help me out. After that, she handled everything but the cake raid. It was even her idea to book all your cake chefs on the same cruise so you could have top-quality snacks while enjoying some R&R!"

"Truly, We must thank dearest Twilight," Luna remarked. "She hath outdone herself this time, and we have been desiring a 'vacation', as We hath heard it called, since our return from the moon." She turned to face a server, the sharply-dressed stallion having trotted over to check in on the trio as they enjoyed the scenery. "Ah, thy timing is fortuitous. We would like some jasmine tea, if thou has some."

Celestia nodded in agreement. "I think some chamomile for me will suffice."

The service pony, meanwhile, took a hesitant step back. "Erm, my apologies, your majesties, but the entire stock of tea was jettisoned as we left port. We won't have any until our next stop tomorrow evening."

Nick grinned, leaning back in his chair and kicking his legs up on the table. The princesses were glaring at him again. "What, I never told you two about the Boston Tea Party? The prank war waits for nobody, and I've got some good ones planned now that we're out at sea! A change in scenery for a bit should lead to some new— hey! Wait! Put me down! I'm still monologuing!"

SPLASH

"Man overboard!"

Author's Note

DISCORD! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A WIKIPEDIA LINK! FOR EDUCATING PEOPLE!

"Consider it preemtive revenge for the annoyance you plan to put me through."

...fair. Anyway, for the curious, Here's the actual link.

Rollin'

Nick lay on the floor, doubled over in laughter, Celestia and Luna faring little better. It almost seemed as though they would pass out from lack of oxygen. However, after three more minutes of shifting between pain and joy, Nick finally regained his ability to form words.

"Y-you guys didn't even think of this as a consequence, did you? Looks like..." he suppressed a guffaw. "Looks like the loser in this prank is all three of us! Of all the ponies, THAT ONE pranked us!"

Celestia and Luna wheezed out an affirmative noise, before all three took one look back at the ridiculous situation and descended back into endless laughter.

1 week earlier...

The Grand Galloping Gala is one of the biggest events of the year, and every important figure was to be in attendance. Diplomats and noble ponies from all across Equestria and the lands beyond were converging on canterlot in a week's time, and it was all hooves (and hands) on deck to get everything planned and ready. Nick had to wonder why Celestia had called an urgent meeting right then and there, and he was very tired from going over a few dozen work orders ranging from decorations to catering. Still, he was willing to help his pony princess pals, so he soldiered on.

So when he opened the doors to the meeting room only to be met with the enticing smell of cooked meat, something that was in short supply among the vegetarian ponies, he was simultaneously very hopeful, and very skeptical.

"Surprise, my not-so-little human. Happy fourth anniversary of your arrival in Equestria." Celestia's voice shook him from his thoughts, and he turned to find a warm yet somber smile on her face. Of course, how could he forget? Four years ago to the day, a freak magical anomaly teleported him from Earth and straight into the throne room, more specifically ten feet above Luna. No one involved was pleased. Still, after an explanation and a few medical checkups, he was cleared for release into society.

Since then, this day had been a celebration and a day of remembrance: a way to recall those he would likely never see again, but also a day to celebrate the new friends he had gained along the way. Plus, it meant he got high quality meat to 'remind him of home', so he was on board.

"Wow, Celestia. I completely forgot that was today! Thank you. I couldn't ask for better friends than you and Luna." On cue, Luna stepped put from behind a pillar and the royal sisters embraced him in a warm hug, the kind that only the best of friends can truly enjoy.

"We also happen to have a gift for thee, Nicholas," Luna interrupted. "We have searched thine dreams for a fortnight and have prepared some human entertainment for thee. Would thou wish to hear some music from thine old world?"

This day was really looking up for Nick now. He was quite the music lover, and he had shared hundreds of songs with both sisters in his dreams thanks to Luna. Glancing over to the right, he saw a small band assembled, instruments at the ready. With a nod from Nick and a wave of Luna's hoof, the band began to play.

The private party went on for another two hours, with music Nick loved playing as the friends chatted about the Gala and their lives. Nick managed to keep a straight face, and swore revenge under his breath.

The Gala was in full swing! Ponies and other races from all over to dance and have 'fun'. Well, as much fun as could be had with no less than fifteen political discussions going on, five ponies trying to talk to each princess, of which all four were in attendance, and as many lightly salted drinks as a pony could ask for.

Yes, salt. Nick wasn't too much of a drinker, only preferring a bit of alchohol at holiday parties to avoid doing something stupid, but in Equestria, salt was the equivalent of booze and alcohol was just a disinfectant. "Cheer up, Nicky," Cadence began as she sat with the human. "At least you won't embarrass yourself in front of the nobles. I swear, one little slip-up and they don't stop talking about it for weeks!"

"Yeah, yeah," Nick replied, leaning back in his chair. "At least Celly, Luna and I called a ceasefire on pranks for the night. Honestly, the only way this night could get any more dull is-"

"Attention, Mares, Gentlecolts... and my lovely wife."

Nick slammed his head into the table. "Great. Shining Armor is gonna give another speech about the guard."

The prince of the Crystal Empire and husband of Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, stepped up to the stage. "I stand before you all today to remind you all that love is a wonderful thing. Many a bard has written songs about it. And a few nights ago, I had dreamed of a glorious love song. I heard it so clearly that it was as though Princess Luna herself was keeping the dream steady."

Nick and Celestia turned to Luna. Nick spoke up first. "You didn't..."

Shining kept talking. "And after singing it to my wife, Cadence, we have decided to declare it the official song of Hearts and Hooves Day!"

"Sister, I hope you realize what you just unleashed..." Celestia grimly remarked.

"So without further ado..."

"I can't believe it. He made it official? He out-pranked us!" lamented Nick.

"My original song, A Promise Of Devotion!" And while the trio of pranksters breathed a sigh of relief, the band kicked up and Shining began to sing.

The noble ponies and other races all agreed it was a fantastic song, worthy of being sung every Hearts and Hooves Day forevermore.

As two alicorns and a human tried to stop laughing at the spectacle in front of their eyes, a lone figure stood watching from the corner, eating unpopped popcorn with his mismatched limbs. He chuckled. "Yes, it seems that Shining has won the day. I suppose Luna forgot to name the song, so he came up with a name on his own. But I think the real loser here is all of you who fell for those links, hm? But don't fret. You'll be seeing me again soon enough..."

Author's Note

You have been 'Rolled'. Show of hands/hooves/other, who fell for it?

My mood right now: This.

Don't worry, who pulls that prank 3 times in a row? :scootangel:

Still a better prank story than Twilight

"Heya Sparky. What's up?" Nick leaned back in his chair, glancing at the purple pony princess. It was rare she visited for this long, but given the circumstances of the 'Murkweed incident' her presence was not surprising. The royal gardens held some of the bookworm's favorite study spots, so he honestly should have seen it coming.

Twilight set down a wrapped gift box and pushed it towards Nick with her magic, keeping a safe distance. "Oh, nothing much. I just thought I'd get you a present! Happy Wednesday." And she scampered off, clearly in a hurry to get away.

"Is she really that dense, or does she think I'm that stupid? I need to talk with Celly about this." He got up, and walked off, leaving the box behind, when suddenly...

"Ah! Ape, what are you doing out here? Shoo. You are interrupting my private time and- oh, a gift?"

Nick stifled a laugh, then shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, 's not mine, so whatever. I guess you can open it if you want."

"Well CLEARLY since it was deliberately left in my usual strolling route, it is for me!" Woth that, yanked open the box, and was immediately soaked in a burst of blue liquid. Coughing, he got to his hooves and shook off angrily... only for a new hairs on his mane to spring out of place. The dreaded split ends had returned. "P-p-poision joke again?! AUNTIE!" and he galloped off in another direction.

"...real original there, Sparks," Nick remarked to nopony in particular. "And overused joke, an overused delivery system, you were clearly up to something... I swear, you couldn't get a prank right if it was written...on...your...schedule..."

Nick grinned. Had there been any guards nearby, they would know that grin meant 'run away as far as possible'.

"I think I know what I'm going to do today. But I'll need help."

Twilight had her reading interrupted by her number one assistant belching up a scroll with the royal seal on it. "A message from Celestia?! Give me that!" She swiped it out of Spike's claws, and read it aloud. "My dear friend Twilight, as you are currently a princess, you are the perfect candidate to help me out. I am very busy and do not have the time to do these very important tasks. If you could take care of these vital tasks, I would be most grateful. -Princess Celestia" Twilight reread the letter with a joyous grin. "I get to help with important tasks around the castle? This is amazing! Wait, where's the list of tasks?" The answer to her question arrived in the form of another scroll being received via dragonfire. She took it and unrolled the list. Sweet Celestia did she love lists.

"Let's see. Thankfully we weren't preparing for anything important today... Ten in the morning: attend a brunch at the Canterlot museum. Don't forget your crown. Noon: head to the restricted section of the royal library and find Beasts of the rarest Breed: Hunter or Hunted edition. I need some information on the mating habits of chimeras. One-thirty: Cross through the gardens, slip and fall into the big mud puddle. You'll see it. Three in the afternoon: meeting with the leads of the trade guild about economics. Six P.M.: dinner. Eight o' clock: Go talk to Luna about a pony named 'Zibble Wibble, Oops! In my kibble, Walla-Walla-Walla-Walla the Third'. The pony in question has several alternate names, which she used to avoid detection. If you can learn any of the others, inform Luna of them. Nine in the evening: Join me for tea, and report on what happened." Twilight rolled the list up and trotted off. "Well, it looks like we have a full schedule! Let's get going, Spike!"

The drake followed along, but seemed hesitant. "I dunno Twilight, some of those tasks seem... odd."

"Nonsense! I trust Celestia completely. If she gives me a task to do, I'll do it to the best of my ability! Now pick up the pace, we'll fall behind schedule otherwise! And you KNOW what happens when we are behind schedule." That got the reptile moving.

Nick and Celestia caught their breath amidst guffaws as the day drew to a close. "Wait, so not only did she freak out and turn the whole garden into a marsh when she couldn't find our nonexistent mud puddle, but she didn't wash it off??" the human asked, revving up for another round of laughs.

"Yes, she most certainly did! I never put 'clean off the mud' on the schedule, so she assumed I didn't want her to! She attended a meeting of the trade guilds looking like a mud monster, and she STILL managed to make them leave happy with the economic changes!" Clestia wiped tears of laughter from her eyes with a wing. "I swear, that mare..."

"She's such a Mary Sue... not that I think you know that term. What did Luna do?"

"Well Twilight not only found the names you gave her that week, but she managed to get her hooves on your prototype name list. She didn't take kindly to it."

Nick's expression sobered a bit. "Oof. How did she even get that, I thought I burned it... whatever. Luna's gonna throw me in the moat again, isn't she?"

At that moment, a purple alicorn teleported in with a cheery smile on her face. "Nope! Luna asked me to do it instead, and I can just fit it in my schedule!"

"Of course..."

Author's Note

Twilight would.

I could 100% see her doing this.

This Chapter Doesn't Exist

The walls of the crystal palace glittered and shone with an enchanting light show in the sunset, ponies milling about with various tasks doing their best at whatever they did best. Everypony, that is, except Shining Armor.

The stallion sat at the desk in his office, reading and rereading the clearly important document that had been placed in front of him. It bore the royal seal of the princesses, and he had spent the better part of the day trying to figure out what exactly was on it.

Dear Prince Shining Armor,
It has come to our attention that is next month! Luna and I would appreciate it if you could make time for us to and help select the best possible , discreetly if possible. We will be arriving in <⏱ It's Time to Stop> as an excuse, under no circumstances are you to and please inform Cadence as well.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Of course, being handed a seemingly confidential document with parts redacted was never a good thing, but this letter seemed to hint at something dangerous on the horizon. Unfortunately, unlike the magical blacking out on normal sensitive material that dissipated for those authorized to read it, this one wasn't budging. And with Luna visiting in a few days for a trade meeting, it could be very serious!

Luna arrived at the train station of the crystal empire, and was immediately set upon by crystal guards. They demanded that the princess come with them for her safety, and the mood quickly changed from a cheerful meeting to discuss imports and export taxes to a tense feeling not unlike when Sombra attacked years prior. Even Nick was taken to safety, and assigned the task of keeping Flurry distracted for the time being.

Inside the secure meeting room, Luna found Shining Armor exhausted. His mane was disheveled, his eyes bloodshot from nights with no sleep. Honestly she hadn't seen Shining this bad an a long time, and Cadence was not too far behind.

"What's gotten everypony up in a tizzy?" Inquired Luna. "We haven't seen security this tight since Equestria was attacked by the Storm King. Don't tell we something big is coming..."

"You're the whole reason we are on edge in the first place!" Shining cried out. Years ago, as a royal guard, he never would have shouted like that at the princesses, but as a prince he had that luxury. "The guard has been working overtime to keep the empire safe, and we don't even know what's going on!"

"Whatever does thou mean, Shining? We never-" Luna found the letter thrust into her face and read it over. She then tried checking it with magic designed to unlock the blacked out portions of the letter, but to no avail. "Oh dear. This could be serious, and sister has yet to inform us of any potential threat. Guards!" The ponies she brought along readied themselves. "Send a message back to our sister. Inform her we cannot read the sensitive material contained in her letter, and we have mobilized the Crystal guard until we know what is coming. Go!"

Meanwhile, halfway across the castle, a completely unrelated and different meeting was taking place.

"More tea, my little snowflake?"

"Yez plees, in unca Nik! Moar tea!"

"You are absolutely adorable, ya know that?" Nick picked up the teapot and carefully poured a small cup of the beverage for Flurry Heart. She took it in both hooves and carefully sipped it, earning an 'aww' from the human. "So, how are things here in Flurryland?"

"Gweat! Mommy an Daddy vewy busy. Unca Nik, why they make da guards work so much?"

"Ah, that. From what I overheard, your aunt Celestia sent a letter to your Dad and he's worried. I should know, Celestia asked me to take it to the mailroom. I just took the liberty of highlighting the important parts of the letter."

"Whas a hi-wite? Can you eat it, Unca Nik?"

Nick ruffled Flurry's mane playfully, earning a giggle from the filly. "No, silly head. You can't eat a highlight. But, now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have highlighted everything in black permanent marker..."

"Did you do an miss-steak, Unca Nik?"

"No, my precious little snowflake." He hugged her close, nuzzling her and making her smile. "Everything is going exactly as you dear ol' Uncle Nick planned."

Author's Note

Curious about the real letter? Here ya go.
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
It has come to our attention that Flurry Heart is turning three years old next month! Luna and I would appreciate it if you could make time for us to come up for a visit and help select the best possible gift for her, discreetly if possible. We will be arriving in three weeks, using the Crystal Faire as an excuse, under no circumstances are you to let Flurry know. Thank you for helping, and please inform Cadence as well.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

ANGERY SON HORS

The guards in the throne room of Canterlot Castle were happy. Today was a day that court was closed to all but the most important of affairs, so that meant they could be relatively lax in their duties. Princess Celestia was respectful of the guard's roles as well as their status as ponies, so for the most part they were permitted to relax and not stand perfectly still on days court was empty.

“PEASANTS! WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST?”

The guards nearly collapsed in fear as the royal Canterlot voice shook the room, and then something they never wanted to see walked through the doors of the throne room: Daybreaker. Now, Daybreaker was Celestia's dark form much like Nightmare Moon was Luna's, but aside from giving it a name when asked by an inquisitive colt, Celestia had never taken on this form.

Her eyes were pitch black aside from a golden, slitted iris in each. Clad in armor so hot it glowed orange, and her normal mane and tail replaced with fire, she commanded respect just by stepping into the room.

“I SAID, WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST?! I DID NOT RECEIVE MY MEAL PROMPTLY THIS MORNING, AND I DEMAND SATISFACTION, FOR I AM ROYALTY!”

The guards managed to stammer out an “At once, your majesty!” before scrambling off in every direction to find food to sate the hunger of their ruler. They prayed that foals were not a breakfast food for the demonic princess.

The one guard who unfortunately stayed behind to keep watch over the throne room cowered in fear as the fiery equine scanned him with her almost reptilian eyes.

“HM. IS THIS WHAT PASSES FOR A ROYAL GUARD NOWADAYS? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.”

The guard shrank even further into his armor at the scrutiny, pleading to anything that would hear him to save his life before he was turned into ashes. Daybreaker scoffed at him and turned away.

“Hold it right there, Daybreaker! Your reign of terror ends now!” The doors of the throne room burst open, and Nick charged in with Princess Luna in tow.

“AH, THE PATHETIC APE COMES RUNNING IN. WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I CALL MY GUARDS ON YOU. YOU AREN'T EVEN WORTH MY TIME.”

Nick responded by rushing forward and leaping onto Daybreaker, holding onto her torso as she bucked and jumped around to try and shake him off. “Now, Luna!”

“GET OFF ME THIS INSTANT, YOU DIRTY APE! I WILL-” and in a blink of light, the two were gone. A splash echoed through the castle, and Luna gave a sorrowful sigh for what she knew Nick was going to have to go through. Getting chided and insulted for hours was not fun, but she had an equally annoying job: calming the guards before word of what happened got out of the castle.

“So much for going back to bed.”

30 minutes earlier...

Luna woke up and immediately felt that something was off, but couldn't quite put her finger on it. Most likely because she didn't have fingers. Still, she meandered out the door of her room and came face to face with Nick. He seemed panicked, and in a hurry.

“Ah, Nicholas. To what do we owe the pleasure of speaking with thee so soon after arising from our slumber?”

“I screwed up a prank and I need help. Big time.”

Luna frowned. This was a new occurrence, having Nick run to her for help. “Explain, Nicholas.”

“Okay, so I kinda sorta got my hands on a potion that makes whoever drinks it look like Daybreaker until they get tossed in the moat. I was planning on using it to romp around the castle yelling ‘I ARE ANGERY SON HORS, FEAR MEH’, until you eventually tossed me in the moat. And it would have been funny because it clearly wouldn't be Daybreaker and the staff knows Celestia is in the Griffin Kingdom this week. But then somepony else stole the potion and he might be able to pull off a convincing Daybreaker.”

Luna facehooved. It was clearly not going to be a fun morning. “Who took it, Nicholas? And why would they take it?”

“Blueblood thought it was a fancy drink and said I didn't deserve to have it. I don't think he realizes that he's being seen as somepony else. Help a guy out?” Nick pleaded.

“Let us get this over with, as the foals say,” Sighed the alicorn of the night. “But in payment, thou has to help us with pranking our sister when she returns.”

“Deal. Now let's go stop us an angery son hors.”

Author's Note

Thank you for the suggestion that Daybreaker and/or NMM should arrive, Eroraf86! I bet this isn't what you were expecting, though!

Dis-kabob-ulated

Gourmet Palate signed in annoyance. The head of the Royal Dessert Squad had stepped away from his station for one minute, and already everything was ruined.

"So, which one of you two wants to explain why my double deluxe fudge was ruined?"

Nick glanced up from the mixing bowl he had been scooping the unfinished confection out of. "Uh… I blame… Larry from the accounting department?"

Luna stopped licking the wooden spoon she had in her magic and glared at Nick with authority. "Do not try to pin this on some fictional human, Nicholas. Clearly, twas the fault of our sister, who left just before thee arrived, Palate. No panthers."

"Don't you mean 'no lyin', Luna? Also Celly's been in day court, so we need a better excuse."

"Oh, is that how the youths are saying it? We thought they were referring to jungle cats. Still, this new manner of speech we found is the explosive tunneling!"

"...really?" Gourmet shook his yellow head sadly, shaking his orange and blue striped mane out of his face. "Even I know the right phrase is 'bomb diggity'. Regardless, now I need to make a new dish before-"

"WHAT is taking so long, servant!? I ordered that fudge twenty minutes ago, and my plate is STILL empty! Some of us have massage appointments to attend to, you know!" Blueblood stormed in, and Gourmet took a worried step back. "Oh. Ape. You always ruin everything in my day, don't you? You know what? Why don't YOU make me a dessert in ten minutes or I'll have you tossed in the dungeons!"

Gourmet stared slack-jawed as Blueblood left. "Uh, Nick, you can't cook, right?"

"One time I thought the confectioner's sugar was the flour and burned a whole batch of cookies. Does that count as being a bad chef?"

"Verily. But with thy human culture, Sir Gourmet's knack of exotic ingredients, and Our cunning wiles, we shall ensnare our nephew in a trap that can only be an evil donkey!"

"Did you mean-"

"About time, ape. My patience was wearing thin." Blueblood watched as Nick strode out of the kitchen with a covered platter. "I hope you brought something acceptable, for your own sake."

"Actually, with Gourmet's help, I made something to boost that ego of yours! Behold!" Nick dramatically lifted off the lid of the platter, revealing the treat.

"I do not have an ego...but I am interested nonetheless!" The prince watched as the lid rose, revealing "...a shish kabob? That's it?" Sure enough, a single shish kabob rested on the platter, a few grilled vegetables drenched in a strange greenish sauce.

"That's it? THAT'S IT!? Your majesty, this is no mere shish kabob. This is an American tradition! I was reminded of it by looking at Gourmet's cutie mark. This, my dear prince, is the King's Kabob! Ancient legends from my country say that whoever can eat the whole thing in one sitting is worthy of being a KING!"

"I thought you said your Amareica was a democracy."

"That's only because no one's ever finished one of these," Nick replied, winking. He held it a little closer to Blueblood. "But if you became the human king, I'd have to do anything you said… you probably don't want that." Before he could finish, the treat was picked up in a flow of magic as Blueblood levitated it closer.

"And all I need to do is eat this whole thing in one go? Foal's play! Watch and learn, ape!" He bit off the top vegetable, and chewed it pridefully. Before long, though, sweat formed on his brow, and he looked ready to scream. His face turned red and he eventually swallowed, coughing up a storm. "SWEET CELESTIA! You filthy ape, what WAS that?"

"Oh, nothing much," Explained Nick. "Just a special blend of hot sauce, wasabi, and mashed habaneros with a hint of lemon juice. Why?" He looked innocently at Blueblood as the prince processed that information.

"Are you insane?! Who could possibly stomach a food that spicy?"

"The king, that's who. If you can handle the heat of politics, you can handle this heat. Give up?"

"N-never. You will bow before me yet, ape…" and with that, Blueblood took his second bite. And then, ten minutes later, he took his third.

It was over an hour by the time not a single morsel was left, with a large crowd having gathered to watch the final bite go down. Exhausted, and covered in sweat, he held the stick out. "Aha! I win, ape!"

"Wow, good work so far. Are you ready to declare yourself done?" Inquired Nick, while Luna and Gourmet snickered in the background. "If there's so much as a single visible crumb left when I take it back, you lose." Blueblood responded by taking the stick back and running his tongue over the whole thing to clean it of anything left before handing it back again. Nick took it and inspected the stick.

"I win, ape! Now, first, I want you to bow. Then you will clean my room, file my paperwork, wear a shirt saying I'm the greatest…"

Nick simply said "Nah." And walked away.

"W-WHAT!? But I am your king now!"

Luna fell over laughing. "He fell for it! He actually fell for it! This is the spider's elbows!"

Nick groaned. "'The bee's knees', Luna! Good grief… regardless. Blueblood, the challenge doesn't exist! And even if it did, you still would have lost! A true ruler needs to be ready to do things no being should have to do… such as finishing eating the kabob, including the stick! You lose, I'll be on the next train to Ponyville to lay low for a bit. See ya!"

"Aaaaaaaaape!"

As Nick ran off, laughing hysterically, with a furious Blueblood in hot pursuit, Luna kept on laughing. "Ahahahaha! Thou hast had one that moves at high speed towed into thee, nephew!"

Gourmet Palate rolled his eyes. "It's called pulling a fast one, Princess. Now if you'll excuse me, I have another batch of fudge to make."

Author's Note

Thank you so much to Sixkiller5! He's from the higher ups at the barcast grpup and offered up his OC Gourmet for ~~ritual sacrifice~~ a guest character! The chapter sprung up from there.
...can I be on barcast now? Maybe I'll just do an ama blog later

You can't say that on a Y7 show!

"Yaay!"

"Oh, no. No no no no no." Nick worriedly stared at the figure seated across from him, hoping against hope that he hadn't just heard what he thought he had heard. "Please. Please, tell me you did not just say that."

Flurry Heart took a few gulps from her sippy cup, blinked sweetly, and stared across the tea party table at Nick, who was sitting next to a plush bunny toy. "Unca Nik! Yaay!"

"Cadence is gonna appuling kill me. At least it can't get any worse."

"Unca Nik! appulsing Unca Nik!"

Nick buried his head in his hands and groaned.

"Flurry Heart!" Cadence picked up the filly in her forehooves and twirled her around before snuggling her close and nuzzling her. "I missed you! Were you well behaved for Nicholas while Shiny and I were on our date?"

Flurry smiled, but didn't make any noise as Equestria's resident human inserted himself into the conversation, sweating nervously. "N-no, she was an angel! No problems whatsoever. I think I had a harder time convincing Luna not to have toast for breakfast yesterday."

Shining Armor tilted his head to one side, confused at the non sequitur. "What does that have to do with anything? Actually, why didn't you want Luna eating toast?"

"I rigged the toaster to incinerate bread instead of toasting it. Celestia's a better sport about her breakfast being messed with."

"Ah."

Nick stepped back towards the door as the couple continued to shower their foal with affection. He was hoping to get away before anypony noticed what was going on. Of course, his hopes dashed against the metaphorical rocks as he backed into a rather irritated princess of the sun. "Oh, Nick. Fancy running into you here. Care to explain this?" She levitated up a very black, charred slice of toast and waggled it in the air for emphasis. "My chefs were getting ready to resign in shame before I realized what was going on."

"Oh… that. Yeah, i… totally got you on that one! Heh heh…" Nick rubbed his head sheepishly. "You'd better throw me in the moat right away so I can learn my lesson. In fact, I'll go right now! Bye Candy! Bye Shiny! Bye Flurry!" Nick speedwalked as fast as he dared out of the room, but almost immediately walked face first into a magical barrier projected by Celestia.

"I was not finished," she continued sternly. "I'd also like to know why all the peanut butter in the kitchen have been opened and emptied."

"Mmph," Flurry mumbled through her sticky lips.

"No clue! That must have been Luna. Nope! No clue at all. Not a one."

"Oh really?" The solar diarch glared inquisitively at the human as he desperately tried to piece an excuse together. "And if I were to cast a cleaning spell on Flurry? She seems awfully quiet. Anything you'd like to add, my grand niece?" A flash from her horn, and Flurry smacked her lips as she opened her mouth again.

"Mama! Fwurry want moar eggheading peanut buttah!"

Dead silence. Not a soul moved aside from the collective royal jaws hitting the floor in shock. Nick was out the door, running at a full sprint.

Cadence just sighed after a moment. "Ugh, foals at this age are so impressionable. I'll need to speak with Nick later, but she should drop the habit if we don't encourage her. Flurry, you can't go saying that, okay sweetie? There aren't many words worse than that one."

"Okay! Fwurry no say buck like Unca Nik! She say GotchaSuckers! now!"

"Okay, change in plans. Shiny, hold Flurry. I'm throwing Nick in the moat myself."

Author's Note

I have returned! Have a chapter that I'm calling a warm-up before I really get back in my groove.