Lonely Thoughts

by Tranquil Stone

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3906

Starlight stars to wonder what role she plays in Equestria and what makes her feel so lonely. Help comes from an unlikely source...

Starlight's saved Equestria a couple of times, sure. But she's just there. Someone else could have done that, and been there, to take her spot as Twilight's student. She's not...well, anything. What's her role? Just to be the sidekick? What does her cutie mark even mean? Control...manipulation? She had no idea. Sometimes, it's not enough to have people to talk to. Despite being surround by friends, she's never felt more lonely.

Published 2018-09-30 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-30 12:00:01 UTC

~In my mind~

Clip-clop...clip-clop The loud sound of my hooves echoed in the long empty hallways of Twilight's castle as I waited outside the throne room. It's not that I'm not allowed in there- my friends would love for me to be in there with them, getting our heads together to solve the problem. But..personally, I kinda feel awkward there. I'm just standing beside the table, while the others are chatting away to each other on their thrones. The Tree of Harmony chose them to be friends- not us. Just those seven, including Spike, not me. I'm just the extra ingredient which you don't want to make feel left out, so you desperately try and throw it into a cake. And the results aren't necessarily pretty. Anyway, I heard they were talking about potential friendship solving techniques. Of course I was ecstatic as well when I was sent on my friendship quest in Canterlot. Except I was only pony who went on a mission alone.

"Oh, Starlight! You're out here" the majestic doors opened as Twilight and her friends stood in front of me. Wow, how did they always get into perfect formation, such a neat, straight line?

"Hi everypony. So...what was going on in there?" I tried to akwardly start a conversation, plastering on a fake smile.

"We were just discussing how to tackle future friendship problems" peeped Fluttershy. The Elements of Harmony suddenly burst into excited chatter among themselves. I stared, smile slightly falling.

"Haha...great" I muttered nervously, as the girls finally brought there talking to a close, "Ah, well, I should turn in for the night. See you all tomorrow!"

I put on a fake yawn, and side-walked right into my room. An interesting question popped up into my head. Why was I still living in Twilight's castle? I'm old enough to have my own, obviously, and I'm not her student or anything... Slamming the door behind me, I sighed with relief. I felt like I had to put on an act in front of my friends. After all, they were the Elements of Harmony. I thought to myself, and giggled. Is seventh wheeling a thing? Oh, eighth including Spike. I sat down at my desk, and opened up the drawer. A pink and gold tattered old book lay there, with my name printed on top, which was practically invisible now.

I picked it up with my hooves. It felt weird not to use magic, but I prefer not to use magic when I couldn't have done it. Back when this book was constantly in my arms, I wasn't inclined to always using magic. So I like to get in touch to my old self by...tuning in to the way I would have done it back then. Grinning, I blew the dust off, which created a poof of brown dirt and dust. I delicately opened the first page, careful not to damage it. As I read through the first entry, I smiled softly, heart feeling warm. Wow, things used to be so much simpler...

Dear diary,
Hi!! My name is Starlight Glimmer. I'm six and I live in Sire's Hollow. My daddy gave me this diary, so when I'm older, I can remember stuff! Today was a fun day, I played with Sunburst. He's my best friend, we do everything together. We went to the apple farm and drank lots of apple juice. Sunburst said when he grew up, the first thing he'd remember about him being little was apple juice! I hope he remembers me...I would feel very sad without him. Oh, daddy's calling me for dinner. Bye diary!
~Starlight Glimmer

I chuckled a little to myself. Well this was ironic. Of all the things to forget, Sunburst doesn't remember his obsession with apple juice. I was so innocent and carefree. Just pure bliss. Just one friend and dad is all I ever needed to feel complete and whole. Skipping ahead, I found a very intriguing entry...

Dear diary,
My heart feels broken. Sunburst his cutie mark, I should be happy for him...but I'm not. He's gone. Left me here in this boring town. We pledged to always by each other's sides. And now he's gone to Canterlot- without me. We always thought of going there and making it big, but together. I'm sad, I'm mad, and I'm so angry! How could he? I got him that cutie mark!!! In fact, if it wasn't for that stupid cutie mark, he would have still been with me, just like old times. I gotta go to school, bye
~ Starlight Glimmer

I winced at the memory. I was so silly and foolish- that cutie mark hadn't taken my friend away, I did. I let him ago, and if I needed him that badly I should have stopped him, begged to go with him. Or convinced him to stay. I felt a stab of pride. At the end of the day, I was the one excelled more than him in magic, with or without that cutie mark. If Dad could have afforded it, he would have sent me, but instead, he thought me at home. And I turned out better than any other school graduate, hah!

I suddenly shook my head, shaking sense into me. I was sounding more and more like old Starlight. I looked out the window. Luna's moon was shining bright, and stars decorated her beautiful sky. Sometimes, there is beauty in the simplicity of things, and that's what makes it magnificent. I decided to look at the final entry right at the end of the book:

Dear diary,
I'm lonely. Just moved into Twilight's castle, and found this, and I thought about continuing to write in here. So many adventures, fun, and friends, all lost. Simply preserved in memory with this book. Only you could accept me in my worst of times, and best. I...I know I have 'friends' now. But I'm just not part of them. I'm just an extension. A spare part. Excluded. Unneeded. I feel like I'm fifty, talking so meaningful. I really don't think I have much a persona now. Just one of those average, nice ponies. I used to be strong, happy. Now I'm just boring, bland, flavourless.

Did these six ponies take my youth away? I'm looking out the window, and I know I should focus. I feel pain, loneliness, and hurt. But I can't let it turn into hate. Anger. Despise. I really haven't felt more lonely in my life. Haha, I'm getting these pages stained with my tears. What lead to this? Why am I here? I really don't have much to give this world. It's just me, myself and I. I guess I have Twilight. But she's always busy with her friends. Every time they go off, I'm stuck like a nanny here at the castle. I should be appreciative- I am! But I just feel like I'm missing something. Perhaps someone. Or someone's words.

I don't know. Seems like Twilight's back. I should get going. It was great to let out my feelings here. I know they seem a lot for such little time, but it's just what I feel. I can't feel less, I've always been the emotional times. I really don't know who I am, and I don't even know what my cutie mark means. I spent too long here. Hope to write her soon, bye!
~Starlight Glimmer

I panted heavily, feeling myself back in that day. It was a lot, to be suddenly thrown into a large castle all on my own. I still felt lonely, just as much. Just that I've squashed those feelings. I thought to myself, 'Just keep breathing, and breathing and breathing and breathing' I calmed myself down a little. It seems like time was going by and I just couldn't control my mind. Here I'm stuck, like a slave stuck in a dungeon.

Of course, I had Trixie. But she's not around Ponyville so often, and when she is, she spends most of her time putting on a show. Maud's gone on a tour in the Dragonlands for two years. For rock exploration. And even if she was around, Maud isn't much of a talker. Sunburst is busy with his duty as Flurry Heart's Crystaller, and visiting isn't so frequent. After all, they were all grown ponies with their own lives, and they're busy after all. I'm just the one with unlimited free times on her hooves.

I got off the chair. I stared out the window. This was my chance. Take it. I leaped out the window, tumbling down, down down. I eventually landed with a thud. Huh, why did instinct not let me use my magic. I knew exactly where I wanted to go. I trotted towards the station. I saw the conductor, who was ready to leave, as I ran towards him.

"I know it's late conductor, but I need a ride to Sire's Hollow" I pleaded.

The conductor rolled his eyes, "I'm sorry, I have a wife and family to go home to, I just don't have time"

I caught up to him, stumbling a little, "Please! I need to go. I don't know who I am. I'm alone..."

My body shivered as I said those words. I felt a spark erupt from my horn, and all of a sudden, everything went black. When I opened my eyes, I saw that I was in...Sire's Hollow. What? How was my magic just working at random times? This was getting ridiculous...

"Hmm...well look who it is" a deep mischievous voice came from behind me. I swiveled around to see a creature with a deer antler on the right, a blue goat horn on the left, one long fang, different-sized pupils, a snake tongue, a goat beard, and white bushy eyebrows. He had the right arm of a lion, the left claw of an eagle, the right leg of a lizard, and the left leg of a goat. In addition, he has a bat's right wing, a Pegasus left wing, a horse's mane, and a dragon-like snake's tail with a white tail tuft. Discord.

"Well well well. Starlight Glimmer. All sad and upset" smirked Discord, "And here I thought you had a lot of friends!"

I stood in a defensive position, "I do!"

How well I could lie was amazing.

Discord chuckled, and snapped his fingers, making a large flower with two small petals shaped as chairs appear. I stared in amazement. I knew Discord could do, well, basically anything, but it was still so fascinating to witness his magic. At least he knew who he was meant to be.

"Take a seat Glimmer. Join me" Discord said, appearing onto on of the chairs. I warily trotted over, and tapping the chair to make sure it was sturdy, I hopped onto the flower. All of a sudden, the stem seemed to grow taller, propelling Discord and I up into the clouds. I screamed in terror, and looking over, I saw Discord casually sipping tea.

"We're travelling up into the sky at such a rapid rate and you're sipping tea?!" I screamed, mane flying crazily above my head. Discord looked up.

"YOLO, Starlight"

I rolled my eyes, and felt the flower coming to an halt. I looked around to see we were still on the flower, but up in the clouds. I could see the splendid view of the moon, looking like it was carved by Luna herself, and the clouds were wispy and soft, like cotton candy.

"Now tell me what's wrong" urges Discord, fiddling with his cup. I took a deep breath. Should I trust him? I had nothing to loose anyway...

"Nothing..." I wasn't going to give in that easily.

Discord raised an eyebrow, "One thing I'm good at is knowing what ponies feel. You're feeling lonely. I can feel it. Why?"

"Why do you even care?" I questioned. I genuinely didn't know why the draconequus was so interested in how I felt. We were friends sure...but Discord isn't the 'feelings' type.

While the question floated in the air, Discord appeared to be in thought. He responded, "I care for only three types of people on Earth. My friends, which I'm the least close to when it comes to feelings. The other type of pony is a yellow Pegasus with pale pink flowing mane, aqua eyes, and of great beauty"

"Fluttershy?" I volunteered. Discord blushed.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

For what felt like the thousandth time, I rolled my eyes, "And the final type"

"The most important of all: those who I can relate to. Who understand what I've been through. And they've experienced the same pain and loneliness as I have in the past. Perhaps even now" explained Discord, staring at the moon behind us, "And that's where you fit in"

How did Discord know what it feels like? He always has friends, seems happy, complete.

"I know I don't seem upset. To be honest, neither do you on the outside. But if you look closer, the wounds start to open again" Discord adjusted the flower-petal seat underneath him. Could he ever stop moving?

Discord continued, "What I'm trying to say is that I get you Starlight. Remember the time Twilight had her books-sort-cation? I thought I could improve my relation with them, so I wouldn't be an extra wheel. But as soon as Twilight came back, they all became harsh and cold again. I've tried to be friends with them, but it's obvious that it isn't working out"

Discord let out a small laugh, "That's just the way I am, I guess. They can hate me or love me, and I think it's inclined towards hate. But for you, I know despite how much you try and fit in, you can't. You're still just Starlight Glimmer. Not an Element of Harmony, no one special, no body's personal hero and I know how it feels to try and fit in, and be shunned out. At least the girls actually like you, they don't even hide it around me"

"But this isn't about what they think. They may be Equestria's heros, but not everyone's happiness relies in them. Not everyone needs to be their friend to survive. Not everyone has to try and be the extra extension in their lives. We don't have to live our lives with them. They're complete. They don't need anyone else"

Hearing that last line from someone else's mouth stung more than anything, like salt being rubbed onto a fresh cut. 'They don't need anyone else' All these years wasted. She knew she was faking being another Element of Harmony. What would she be? Element of Envy? Jealousy? Trying-to-fit-in? Discord was right. We don't have to live our lives with them. But hearing that no one wanted me at that point broke me. And I couldn't hold back those tears from years of pain. I sobbed hysterically, hot tears furiously leaking out of my eyes, like wall had been broken holding back a gushing river.

I could feel Discord staring. Knowing I couldn't be tough like always was so humiliating. I hastily wiped up my leaking tears. Discord grinned cheesily, and snapped his fingers, making an ice-cream appear, and handed it to me. I brought it over with my magic, licking it, while smile from ear to ear, eyes still watery.

"How did you know I love strawberry, mint, and blueberry ice-cream all in one cone?"

"I'm the Lord of Chaos. Do you think I don't know my ice-cream flavours?"

I chuckled. Only Discord could make the world seem better with something as simple as ice-cream. Discord coughed, grabbing my attention off the ice-cream.

"Well, you didn't let me tell you what creatures like us should do" mused Discord. I nodded. What should we do? Hide, be alone, isolation- no. That wasn't the life for me.

"Stop relying on them. What they do doesn't define us. Because we aren't part of them, and that may be our advantage" Discord said, eating a chip of the tea cup.

I raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

Discord continued, "Well, think about it. Who are you? Starlight Glimmer, sidekick to the Elements of Harmony, right?"

As much as I didn't want to admit it, I nodded.

"Then build your own name. Look, I've been trying! I formed Equestria's first ever Chaos Club. I'm not just Discord, ally of the mane 6. I'm Discord, Lord of Chaos, and now added to my title card, President of the Chaos Club. And I've been leading search parties to find any other remaining draconequui out there, and it's working out well. See Starlight? By building our on lives, we can detach our selves from just being one thing. A solid object. A chip of the rainbow pony block!" exclaimed Discord, excitement building up at every word.

I felt a spark ignite in my heart. All those days weeping and moping around could have been fixed. Doing something worthwhile, building her own name. When ponies thought of Starlight Glimmer, they'd think of me. Not the other ponies that helped her along the way. My deeds and accomplishments. Twilight is the Princess of Friendship. Rainbow Dash is a Wonderbolt. Rarity has three successful boutiques. Pinkie Pie is a party planner, best in town. Applejack is a farmer. And Fluttershy manages Sweet Feathers Sanctuary and is the local animal know-it-all. What about me? I was nothing, and it was my own fault.

But in that moment, I knew what I had to do, and after years of wondering, what my cutie mark meant, I had finally figured it out. Combining magic. That was what I was meant to do. Two swirls for a traditional star. Combined make something beautiful! But first of all, I was going to have to move out, and then create spells. Write, be a poet with magic. I always had a knack for putting words together, and accidentally making new spells happen. If I could combine my talent of writing and magic, I could write new spells and help ponies! I...I would have a purpose in life again.

Once again, I felt a spark ignite in my horn. My body vibrated with the ground, as I felt myself vanish into thin air again.

"Starlight? You in there?" Twilight said, knocking outside my door, as I gathered my stuff in a hurry.

"Yep, I'll be right outside" I replied.

I trotted outside, levitating all my stuff. Sadness dawned upon Twilight's face.

"You're leaving. Aren't you?" she asked. I took a deep breath in, and slowly nodded. Twilight looked away. There was a look on her face I couldn't quite decipher...was it- shame?

"I'm so so sorry. All this time I've been the one holding you back. I should have let you live your life and not be in my shadow. I just always figured that you'd always stay with me. You're like a little sister to me Starlight. And when you see that sister go, it hurts. A...a lot" choked Twilight, tears welling up in her eyes. Guilt consumed me, and I couldn't look into my ex-teacher's eyes. She tried. She tried her best to try and help me fit in, and become one of them. Twilight loved me as her own, and now I just was picking up my stuff and leaving. Just like I left my dad back home. My feeling alone had nothing to do with her efforts. I grasped Twilight into a tight hug, as we both sobbed, years worth of pain, coming out into that one hug.

Five years later...

I frantically scribbled onto my page, trying to think of the perfect word combination. Ugh! I only had one night to make this spell perfect, it was ordered from Starswirl the Bearded after all, it had to be perfect!! Sweat beaded up on my forehead as I conitnued to write furiously. I stopped all of a sudden. What was I thinking? I never write well when I don't have inspiration. It's been five years, but good inspiration hasn't ever struck. I guess I'm still alone. In a massive house. All that fan mail, but no real friends. And for some reason, I always think that the love is so fake and the hate is so real. I wish it was the other way around. Clouds rumbled above the skies, as I felt both boredom and loneliness consume me. I'm all for combinations but this is a bad one. No one to talk to, no one to say hi to. Except the mail-pony. He was always nice to me. And he's always very visually appealing to looks at. The door-bell rang. Dropped my quill and ink, I hurried to the door and opened it, hoping it wasn't Starswirl wanted an early delivery. I opened the door and saw a tall pegasus stallion with rought, messy red hair and cream coat. And many other splendid features if you ask me.

"C-C-Crimson Bolt? To what do I owe the pleasure?" Uh. Stupid me with the stuttering.

"I had a letter for you Starlight" he said, handing me an envelope. Great, more fan mail. I threw it behind me.

"Oh, and can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Sure"

"I'm free this Saturday, and there's a Wonderbolt show coming here in Canterlot. Would you like to go with me? Oh, if you're not busy that is?" Crimson blushed a shade of- well, crimson.

I blushed in return, "Busy? Not at all!"

I shoved the pile of books, parchments, and quills out of sight.

"Great! I'll come by your house"

I sighed in content. Maybe this was all happening for a reason...maybe one day I'll find the pony I can spend the rest of my life with. Somepony who gets me. Somepony I can connect to. Somepony who cares and loves me for who I am. Someday Starlight. Someday.

Author's Note

Um, yes. POV of Starlight if you haven't figured out. I would have mentioned it, but it seems less powerful. I want my readers to find out at their own pace :pinkiehappy: So, I can really relate to this, it's kinda based off how lonely I am these days, with all the fourth wheeling. I knew I wanted to fit in the feels well paced. I brought the diary entries to build up all that grief like you've all told me to do with those helpful comments in the past!

Please give advice on this one, it's honestly something where I threw words around to get out my emotions. I know it's not perfect, but it's something I felt myself writing it. Bascially the point of this one-shot is not to be perfect and top-notch. It's just to show how perfect characters aren't always so perfect, and Discord and Starlight haven't had 1 on 1 moments, and I've enjoyed their dynamic!!

With Starlight's cutie mark, that's a theory I came up with. So in a nutshell, if you're confused, Starlight's talent is to combine magic spells and write new spells. Kinda dual purpose. But her main talent is to combine. The backing from this comes in the episodes, 'Every little thing she does' mostly.

Again, please please please leave a comment or like!!!!! Again, thank you so so so much for the support on 'Everytime' and I'm so glad I seem to be improving.