The Loudest Snorer Of Them All
The formerly evil equalist overlord, now much-acclaimed student counsellor Starlight Glimmer reclined back in her plush revolving chair with a long sigh, feeling a little that her talents were going to waste in such a stable atmosphere of serenity.
I never thought I'd feel this way, in fact I feel guilty just thinking about it. The somewhat underused psychiatric professional noted with regret, but sometimes I wish headmare Twilight didn't do her job with the utmost efficiency. The faculty might be well-adjusted, depression and despair being at an all-time low, but considering how well things are going in the classroom, where exactly does that leave me? All day I sit here like a spare part, crossing my hooves that some creature, any creature, will stop by with a pressing emotional issue... and what do I get? The stallion who changes the filter on my scented oil diffuser, and that's about it. The last serious case that came through my door was Cozy Glow, and we all know how that turned out. Imagine the stain on my permanent record, if I hadn't taken prompt action. Put it this way: all record of our unfortunate meeting has been scrubbed from the annals of history. Thank Celestia for paper shredders, and Garbage Day...
Starlight's ceaseless internal musings had almost lulled the bored unicorn into a state of catatonia, if it hadn't been for her office door bursting open at that precise second. Almost immediately, she snapped to attention... but forgetting that, stretched out as she was with her hind hooves on the desk, her current position was awkward to say the least.
"OOF!" Starlight winced with pain, as her purplish butt connected with the floorboards, and straightaway the excuses began pouring out for the benefit of her unheralded visitor. "I-I'm so sorry! I-I wasn't falling asleep, I-I was just resting my eyes! I-I mean, how am I supposed to heal young minds if I-I'm not fully focused on the job at hoof...?"
"It okay. Yona want Miss Starlight to get shuteye, because that what Yona come into talk about in first place. May Yona sit down now?"
As if the heavy hoofprints weren't enough of a dead giveaway, the constant reference to herself in the third yak were an instant clue as to the identity of Starlight's unexpected guest. Without further ado, the somewhat befuddled unicorn picked herself up with dignity, dusted her posterior off and sat the other side of Yona to discover just what the craic was.
"W-Well, hi there, oh troubled student of Friendship School! How can I help you on this most glorious of days? U-Unless, it isn't turning out so gloriously for you." Starlight did her best to affect her usual understanding demeanour, despite being woefully unprepared for this sudden meeting. "Can I interest you in some empathy cocoa? I would offer you some marshmallows to go with it, but Miss Pinkie 'borrowed' my secret supply to give Gummy a mid-afternoon snack. Why does she never bother to ask first...?!"
"No! Did you not hear Yona?! She not interested in anything like that!" The agitated yak was almost comically too big for the stool she'd been given, but like a true trooper tried her best to remain comfortable. "Yona talked with friend Trixie after latest show, and Yona tell wizard pony she wishes she was as good at magic as mystic mare. Trixie told Yona that she was sure yak was good at something, to which Yona replied that she was. Smashing things, trashing things, bashing things, braiding hair... all good stuff. But when Yona came to last special skill, Trixie's left eye glinted and strange laugh came from mouth. Trixie tell Yona that, based on previous experience, she know of somepony who is even greater at it than Yona. Yona demand to know who master of this ancient sacred art is, and Trixie tell her. This why Yona here today, to see if rumours are true."
To say Starlight's flabber was gasted would be an understatement in the most epic sense, and she struggled to form a coherent response to her alleged bestie landing her in hot water yet again. "W-We're not talking about the yovidaphone, are we?"
"No!" An impatient Yona's hoof nearly stamped through the wooden planks beneath her. "Yona mean snoring! Trixie tell Yona that while on travels with honourable counsellor, she never heard anypony make so much 'hullabaloo', as she say. Trixie describe how horrible sound was so loud and harsh, it keep Trixie up all night, and almost cause prized wagon to collapse. Trixie asked Yona to remind Miss Starlight of wagon, by the way. Said Starlight would know what she meant."
Oh thank you so much Trixie, once more you've proven how Merciful and Forgiving you are when it comes to holding a petty grudge. Starlight saw her best friend's revelation to this naive student as little more than an continuation of the other unicorn's 'punishment' for daring to sell her precious mode of transportation. Not wanting to divulge her private feud to the sweet yak in front of her however, the determined counsellor carried on listening intently to Yona without giving anything away.
"Anyway, Yona would consider it great privilege to compete with Miss Starlight for title of best snorer in town." the hairier female announced with a wide grin, as if this was an auspicious event on par with the Equestria Games. "This longstanding contest in yak community, with much honour bestowed upon whosoever wins trophy. Yona not mention this before now, as Yona believe ponies could not find contender good enough to compete with powerful yak voicebox. Now Yona know she won't embarrass ponies in one-sided competition, Yona happy to face Miss Starlight to see who gets crown. Will counsellor accept challenge to see if she beats Yona?"
"U-Um, I really don't believe this is appropriate behaviour..." Starlight was a bit, okay, massively reluctant to engage in what she regarded as a humiliating spectacle, and did her best to let the clearly enthusiastic Yona down gently. "B-Besides, what happens if somepony has a sudden mental crisis they need my assistance with, and I'm fast asleep instead? I'm sorry Yona, but I don't think this is a very good..."
"Oh, that no problem! Everypony in school will be watching anyway, so if there is emergency, Miss Starlight can be woken straightaway!" Yona said happily, taking on the unicorn's concerns like they were genuine. "Yona already speak with headmare Twilight about this too, and after she finish giggling she said she think it wonderful idea. Said it give other students a break from lessons, also help smooth out cultural divide between yaks and ponies. Especially as it considered grave insult to yaks if Miss Starlight refuse Yona's offer..."
Oh, no. We wouldn't get another declaration of war, like the first time Prince Rutherford visited Ponyville, would we? Twilight told me about the fuss and bother this caused a few years ago, and we certainly don't want a repeat of that destructive situation... Starlight realised this must have been a factor in the alicorn's apparent enthusiasm for the potential match-up, as well as the fact it would be a bit of fun at the counsellor's expense. Just because I spilt cocoa on the Cutie Map table the other day, and we needed to have it varnished and resprayed before it could be used again. Want to know the difference between empathy cocoa and regular cocoa? There is none, not in terms of how badly they stain things anyway. Hang on: why am I telling myself this now? Especially when there are far more important matters to concern myself with...
One of which now hung around her haunches excitedly, big fuzzy smile set on her face as if a positive response had already been given.
...And faced with the possible consequences of a major diplomatic row, a disappointed yak flooding the building with her salty tears and Twilight accusing her of being an ol' stick-in-the-mud, who was she to refuse?
"Okay, Yona. If it makes you happy, I accept."
...................................................................
No matter how mortifying Starlight might've thought this farcical event could be, the actual reality somehow ended up being even worse.
Two beds, one extra-large and one small, somehow transported into the main hall, inside each snuggling a future contestant (hot water bottles optional)...
The faculty at large all gathered around unable to restrain their titters, and even the other teachers seemed to find her predicament amusing...
Trixie making sure she was centre stage as usual in her reserved seat, hooting and hollering and drawing lots of attention to the fact her 'Great And Powerful' friend wouldn't be beaten...
Plus the most ridiculous nightwear ever, consisting of satin buttoned-up pyjamas and a large floppy nightcap with a stupid furry bauble on the end. It was the 'official' uniform of the competition apparently, and wearing it was mandatory. More's the pity.
Princess Twilight of course was the official judge of proceedings, and it was all she could do to stifle a laugh as she sauntered on stage to compere what was surely one of her most important functions ever. "Welcome every creature, as well as visiting dignitaries from Yakyakistan, to what we hope will soon be an annual event..."
Not bloody likely... Starlight seethed from beneath the sheets.
"... And truly strengthen the bond between our two great nations." Twilight continued in earnest, very aware of Starlight's strong objection to participating, but also very grateful that she did. " The winner, according to the 'One Thousand And One Things You Wanted To Know About Yaks But Were Afraid To Ask Seventh Edition' I've just finished, will be declared based on not just the volume of snoring, but also the pitch and tone. It's a lot more complicated than you might think folks, but I look forward to adjudicating nonetheless. So if you're both ready to rumble, let's turn out those lights, Spike!"
"Good luck, Miss Starlight!" Yona made great play of reassuring her worthy opponent that there were no hard feelings either way, regardless of the outcome of this compelling head-to-head.
"Yeah, whatever. I-I mean, you too, Yona." Starlight, for her part, just wanted to return to the blessed monotony of an empty office and away from all this unwanted attention.
Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut... were her final murmurings, as she somehow drowned out the cacophonous racket around her to settle into the deepest of naps.
......................................................................
"Woo-hoo! I just knew you'd win! As soon as Trixie heard you snoring that night in the wagon, she was certain you were destined for greatness!" Trixie extolled the virtues of her victorious friend, even though her thoughts back then were anything but pleasant.
"... I'm not sure I'm quite as happy about it as you are. I mean, the trophy looks great on my cabinet and all, but to receive a prize for something so... silly? It doesn't seem right, especially as I beat a student in doing it. I'm supposed to be building up their confidence, not knocking them down!" Starlight sighed with regret, now safely in the confines of her office once more. Hopefully, the events of earlier would soon fade like a bad dream, pun not intended.
"Oh, pfft to that I say! Pfft!!" Trixie went above and beyond in reassuring her fellow unicorn that everything has turned out fine and dandy. "Didn't you see Yona's face afterwards, during the presentation ceremony, after the school had ceased crumbling from all the excess noise? She was more pleased for you than any other creature there! Also, Twilight said now the yaks will be the first to volunteer to fight for ponykind if the 'ugly spectre of war' should cover Ponyville again, so that's got to be a good thing, right? Plus, there was the small matter of the bet Trixie placed with Prince Rutherford as to who'd be the champion of champions at the end of it all..."
Starlight instantly went from pensively staring at the wall, to glancing at her bestie with a curious raised eyebrow. "Bet? What 'bet'?!"
"Well, after you kept me awake so many nights on the road, Trixie felt she deserved some compensation for her rampant restlessness." Ignoring Starlight's annoyance, she went to reveal the details of her 'brilliant' plan. "Basically, as soon as Yona revealed to me her species' culture of snoring reverence, I subtly implanted the seeds of competition in her young mind. Because I knew from hard-earned experience, there could only be one winner in the contest of Miss Most Obnoxious Sleeper. Believe me, I've travelled all over the world, and I've never encountered anypony who could snore my roof off as you almost did. Then, it was a simple matter of arranging a meeting with Rutherford afterwards, and collecting the bits I was due! Trixie truly is a genius! Now I can buy even more assorted knick-knacks! The only problem is where to store them all, because my wagon is currently full-to-bursting. Do you have any spare room in this office I could use? I mean, it's not like you get too many other creatures in here. Whenever I come and visit you, I can almost hear the crickets chirping in the background..."
If Starlight was mad before, now she was rapidly reaching critical boiling point. But rather than futilely bottle up her frustration with Trixie like before, or even communicate exactly what was on her mind publicly where impressionable youngsters could hear her strong language, she thought of a quicker way to get 'revenge'.
"Hey, Trix." The suspiciously grinning counsellor said, interrupting her friend. "D'ya want to know how I was able to win the contest so easily? That I was able to lapse into a coma so deep, it took Twilight poking my flank firmly with her horn thrice to finally wake me up?"
"Well, not that it really matters at this point, but okay!" A blithely unaware Trixie replied, as she waited to hear the explanation.
"Remember that self-penned autobiography you wrote a while ago, which you were unable to get printed because you were shockingly turned down by every publishing house in Equestria?" Starlight asked in an innocent voice as soft as melted butter. "Well, one evening in the wagon on our travels, I happened to stumble across said tome whilst looking for a bit of light nighttime reading to distract me from you talking in your sleep. I somehow got through 'The Great And Powerful Trixie Lulamoon And Her Amazing Accomplishments' in one sitting, and I was out like a light. Afterwards, whenever you unwittingly began doing your magic act in the middle of the night again, all I had to do was think of a chapter from your magnum opus, and what do you know? Even wild horses couldn't rouse me! So, whilst your skills as an author might leave something to be desired, your ability to elicit drowsiness followed by undisturbed sleep patterns is second-to-none! If only you'd marketed your book as a cure for insomnia in the first place, maybe you'd have had better luck..."
The rest of Starlight's sworn statement faded away at that juncture however, as an apoplectic Trixie chased the laughing counsellor down the corridor, pelting her with hastily gathered cinnamon nuts all the way.
What a waste.
Author's Note
It's been a rough old couple of weeks, so writing this story served as a good distraction. When things have gotten a bit better, expect a lot more. Bye for now.
